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I can only speak from personal experience. My wife is actually very close to me in age (close enough to make AZ proud) but I did have dates who were over four years younger than me.
A little background first. I was a guinea pig at a new high school which was off to a good start. I was one of the first graduating classes and everyone in my class and above (to the best of my knowledge) is shomer Torah Umitzvos. A very unfortunate incident happened about 18 months after I graduated (and left) and the young Hanhallah, who were not prepared for an incident like this, took actions that made the situation much worse. The Yeshiva developed a horrible reputation from which they never recovered and eventually closed down because of it.
While dating I began to notice that the older the girl the bigger the chance was that they wouldn’t agree to go out with me because of the high school that I attended.
(They told the shadchan that all of their married friend are married to guys who went to “normal” high schools or that none of the other guys they went out with went to “strange” high schools. Some shadchanim asked me if they should tell the girl that while I was there the yeshiva had a respected reputation but I felt that if they are not making a decision based on where I was for the past six years, but where I was for the four years before that, than I’m not interested in them.)
Younger girls, on the other hand, who have fewer married friends and dated less people were not as likely to say no based on that reason. I gave up dating girls that were that much younger because I felt I couldn’t relate to them as well.
Again this was just my personal experience.
AZ-
I agree with you that the way to tackle the problem is to begin with the root of the problem but I disagree with you that the age gap is the root of the problem, I think it’s a byproduct.
There is an underlying reason why bochurim are marrying wives who are considerably younger than them. I think the place to begin is by asking chasanim why they didn’t choose a spouse closer in age.
Sorry squeak if I stumped you. I’d sympathize with you if I knew how it felt.
This happened on Chol Hamoed Succos and I remembered it when I drove by same park last week (also Chol Hamoed Succos).
It was my second date with this girl and we made up to go for a long walk in a park to share our love of mother nature. Since it was Bain Hazimanim I was leaving from my parents home (as opposed to yeshiva) and my mother reminded me to take umbrellas since it was supposed to rain.
“I don’t DOOOOOOOOooooooooo umbrellas”, I reminded my mother even though she must have heard me say it hundreds of times before. “Well you’re going on a date so you should bring an umbrella and bring one for her also” was my mothers reply.
When we got to the park I went to the trunk to get the two umbrellas and the girl said, “you don’t have to bring one for me since ‘I don’t DOOOOOOOOooooooooo umbrellas'”. “Hey, guess what?” I said, “Neither do I” and I left them both in the trunk.
We were probably one mile from the car when the thunderstorm started. There wasn’t much we could do but stand there and enjoy mother nature.
It took about a week until the seats of the car dried.
I was just playing along. I’m not sure if you know what I wrote but I definitely didn’t mean to create anything but a chuckle.
Dr Pepper
No one faked anything. That was a software glitch having to do with the member having a different name on the front page and in the forums. The f did not stand for “fake” but something else. There is another member currently an active poster with the same problem but with totally different names. I have no idea what causes that. In the case you are referring to, a totally different person happened to chose the same name (without the f). No one was deliberately impersonating anyone.
squeak-
That wasn’t nice. If she agreed to go out with him she should give him the three hours just to not hurt his feelings. Was she doing anything more productive anyway?
But here’s one for you;
You had converted a non-shidduch story to a shidduch story (2 or 3 pages back). Without changing any of the constants can you convert the following (true) story into a shidduch story.
After learning in Kollel for a few years I discussed the topic with my Rosh Hayeshiva of getting a full time job- partly for financial reasons but mainly for medical benefits. With his bracha I began my search.
A neighbor who knew I was looking for a job told me that he told Rabbi L., the secular Principal of a respected Yeshiva that I would love to become his math teacher for grades 9 – 12. “This would be great for you since you can still learn on the morning!”. I explained that a part time job will not work since I wouldn’t be eligible for medical benefits. He apologized but asked if I could call Rabbi L. at 1:00 since he’s waiting for my call (and the neighbor was going out of town).
1:00 found me and my wife at a pizza shop. I asked my wife to hold on for what I thought would be a short phone call to Rabbi L.
Here’s how it went.
Rabbi L.: “Hello, this is Rabbi L.”
Me: “Hi, This is Avi Pepper”
Rabbi L.: “Thank you so much for calling, I’ve been waiting for your phone call”
Me: “I hope I’m not disappointing you but this wasn’t the kind of job I was looking for”
Rabbi L.: “Please don’t be offended- but we are actually looking for someone who is older (I was in my late 20s at the time) with a higher level of education (I only had a masters at the time) and more experience (I had taught for four years).
Me: “I’m sorry if you misunderstood what I was saying, I’m actually looking for an office job, not a teaching job.”
Rabbi L.: “You have to understand where I’m coming from, we’re a very prestigious yeshiva and we can only hire the best educators.”
Me: “Uh, I’m not looking for a teaching position”
Rabbi L.: “Don’t get dejected just yet, there are many other yeshivas, albeit not as good as ours, who don’t try to fill openings until the end of July”
Me: “Rabbi L., it’s been a pleasure talking to you, I hope you enjoy the rest of your summer”
Rabbi L.: “Thanks, and if I hear of any other opening I’ll definitely tell them about you and keep you informed”
Rabbi L.: (Hangs Up.)
Me: (To the delight of my wife and everyone around me who over heard the conversation) “WAIT, DOES THAT MEAN I START ON MONDAY?”
Josephf-
I posted some a while back. I don’t have time to go into details now but here are two.
1. (In Eretz Yisroel) Same shadchan tells two friends, both named Dovid, to meet their dates at the same time at the same hotel. First guy walks in and a girl says to him “are you Dovid?” he smiles politely and says “Yes”. He later suspects something is off but didn’t figure it out until he met his friend Dovid also on a date. They both realized they were dating the wrong girl so they switched dates. I don’t know if any of the four possible matches worked.
2. A shadchan wannabee thought of a great shidduch but needed approval from her mentor, a “professional” shadchan. The “professional” thought it was such a good idea and decided to suggest it herself so she could get the shadchanos. To make a long story short she told the guy about the wrong girl, they went out got engaged and got married.
I read this on someones blog years ago.
… so I took my date out to a Chinese restaurant for dinner. Her fortune was “You will try something new in the near future”. She’s on to the next guy, I’m still looking…
WolfishMusings-
It’s a two way street.
I wasn’t spared “from all that” and I appreciate my wife much more because of how hard she was to find.
Arafat won the prize in 1994!
I don’t know if this story is true but…
Some lady had an unlicensed playgroup in her house. One day a neighbor snitched and called the cops.
When the patrols started pulling up she sat them all around the table, gave them cardboard hats, yanked a cake out of the freezer (stored there for this purpose) and threw in some candles.
When the cops knocked on the door she lit the candles and started singing “Happy Birthday”.
mybat-
squeak offered to help me write one but it never happened.
Josephf- I never read that book but it was written before my wife or I became Doctors. (And I highly doubt it is about my father or the famous soft drink which is spelled “Dr Pepper”, not “Dr. Pepper”.)
Don’t ask why but I had to go to an expensive restaurant for a particular date. The more expensive the restaurant the less I know what the items on the menu are. At this restaurant I didn’t know what a single thing was.
The girl looked up from the menu and said, “I can’t decide between two things. How about you?”
I said, “To me they all sound the same”.
Then she came up with an idea- “How about I order both items and share them with you?”
I loved that idea. She actually only took a quarter of each one and left me with the other three quarters. It was such a good date- I socialize soooo much better on a full stomach. (And there were no leftovers for her to doggy bag.)
I got free tickets to the New York Aquarium and asked a neighbor who babysits for us if she wanted to join us. She was a couple of years away from dating but was nervous about it anyway and was asking us tons of questions the whole trip.
(What should I do if the guy proposes and I like him but I’m not ready to commit yet? I can’t say yes and if I say no he might want to end it!…)
When we were near the shark exhibit it started raining really hard so we waited under the hangover by the exhibit.
That’s when we saw them- Zalman and Zelda (sorry we never got their real names) on a date- totally oblivious to their surroundings.
“Here’s a pop quiz for you” I said to the babysitter, “Give me three ways I can tell that they are on their first date?”.
She couldn’t name any of them so I gave her the answers.
1. He is wearing a jacket, tie and hat on a hot summer day in August at the aquarium.
2. He’s holding an umbrella, large enough for both of them, totally over her while he is getting drenched.
3. He is showing off his encyclopedic knowledge on salamanders while she is soaking up every word that he is saying.
“Well actually”, my wife added, “Those are the three ways I can tell that they are on their last date!”
bein_hasdorim
I also heard the story the other way around. The girl didn’t realise it was a one way street and looked the wrong way and started to cross. He grabbed her to safety.
I was his chavrusa at the time. He told me the story the day after it happened and they ended up getting married.
I heard someone speaking (in 2006) and he brought up the September 11th attacks. It was a moving speech as he dramatically stressed some interesting facts, like “This is the first incident since July 4th, 1776 where the incident is referred to by the date. The Challenger Disaster is not known as January 28th, the assassination of JFK is not known as November 22nd…”
He then paused for a few moments and started talking about the Holocaust. “People are able to deny the Holocaust today because the average person can’t visualize the number six million. The number one hundred thousand sounds much larger, yet it is only one sixtieth the size. Let’s try to look at it another way. The Holocaust was one September 11th every single day for five and one half years. Imagine one September 11th beginning on September 11th 2001, it would still be going on now and wouldn’t end until March of next year!”
I thought I’d bring this up since there are those in the U.N. who deny the Holocaust yet would consider it foolish to try and deny the terrorist attacks of September 11th 2001.
Here’s a moshul my Rebbe once gave (not regarding this but I think it can be applied here).
If you really need to get somewhere and the streets are all full of ice do you stay home or buckle up and drive extra carefully?
So, in my opinion, stay alert, buckle up and be very careful. If you feel that you can weed out the facts and apikorsus- good for you. If not- make sure you discuss anything questionable with a rov or someone you trust.
Probably not a true story but…
The shadchan tells the guy wonderful things about the girl and oh, by the way she’s heavily medicated.
“What’s she on?” the guy wants to know.
“They never told me”, replied the shadchan. “Here’s an idea, when you go to pick her up ask to use the restroom and check the medicine cabinet.”
So he goes to pick her up, asks to use the bathroom and when he opens the door to the cabinet a few hundred marbles came crashing out.
He didn’t end up taking her out. (Last time I heard this story, about 7 years ago, he was still in the bathroom.)
SJSinNYC-
Mazel Tov.
What did you have?
May you and your family be zoche to have an infinite amount of nachas from all your children.
My date and I had the privilege of being with a large group of British Tourists in an elevator (henceforth referred to as a lift) speeding to the top of the Empire State Building.
Right after we started ascending the “L” on the top changed to a 10.
“I wonder what the 10 is there for?” one of them said out loud.
The guide answered, “Oh, that must be how many Pounds we each paid for our tickets!”
Tons of laughter…
Then the number changed to 20
“Now it says 20, I wonder what 20 is for?”
“20, that must be how many people are in the lift!”
Tons of laughter…
30-
“Look, now we’re traveling at 30 meters per second!”
Tons of laughter…
40-
“These light bulbs must be 40 watts!”
Even more laughter…
I then looked at my date who was doubled over in pain.
“Are you OK?” I asked.
“NO!”, she whispered to me while rolling her eyes, “I can’t take British Humor”.
I posted this many months back but it never made it in. I hope it makes it this time.
This isn’t really a shidduch story but it did happen and I found it funny.
Johnny was a bounty hunter for Michael, a bail bondsman. Michael attempts to use the cash payments he’s made to Johnny as a business expense. His CPA explains to him that Johnny has to report it as income and for that he’ll need his SSN. Michael asks Mackenzie, his secretary, to call the number on Johnny’s business card and get his SSN.
Here’s how the conversation went.
Mackenzie: Hi, may I please speak with Johnny?
Voice on the other end: He ain’t here right now!
Mackenzie: And who am I speaking with?
Voice on the other end: Me
Mackenzie: What is your relationship to Johnny?
Voice on the other end: I’m his Momma!
Mackenzie: Well, maybe you can help me. I’m trying to get his SSN for some tax purposes.
Johnny’s Mamma: You ain’t be callin here for Johnny no more or Johnny gonna take you out.
Mackenzie: Oh, that’s so nice of him. It’s been so long since anyone offered to take me out!
Johnny’s Mamma: You ain’t be understandin, Johnny gonna take you out- you ain’t be comin back!
Michael was not able to claim those payments as a business expense.
During a loooong drive back after a date I mentally went through every date with every girl and created statistics like how many dates each one lasted and who ended it…
One thing I found interesting was that the three girls that I had dated the longest each asked what my birthday was on the first date (and then let me know when theirs is, I never asked). I thought afterwards that discussing each other’s birthdays on a first date creates an artificial kesher and should probably not be done.
Ira Heller!
I wasn’t at the Ohel Concert in the late nineties when he sang “My Little One” but I’ve listened (and watched online) to that performance so many times. I heard from someone who was there that he received a standing ovation for over one minute!
When we were planning our sons upsherin we noticed just how high the costs were getting- and that’s for an upsherin! We also had the risk that one of his friends might have a party that outdid his.
Eventually we had enough. We asked some friends and family to help with the baking and we had a small party. We donated all the money we saved to the yeshiva where we brought him to say the Aleph Bais. It saved allot of aggravation and it made us feel good about ourselves. My son had the time of his life anyway.
It gets even better- I asked my employer to match the donation and they did.
What if someone wants to out do us?
Please go right ahead!
I can only try-
I don’t think I’m in any trouble- it’s something we both agreed on; I don’t either know why I was doing it if I wasn’t getting paid!
squeak- I’m still waiting for your review and blurb, then we can talk.
If you let your kids use them and moderate their use they won’t feel like they have a “void” in their life, that they are missing out on something. Once they have this feeling of a “void” you never know what they will do when they are by a friends house.
I heard of a story of two parents who never let their kids have soda. What do you think they did by parties and kiddushim when their parents weren’t there? They drank soda as if there was no tomorrow. Is that better than restricting soda to only Shabbos?
Let your kids get these gadgets but make them earn its use and keep on top of them. I could think of much worse things that kids could be doing if they are bored and don’t have these gadgets.
This isn’t really a dating story since it happened while we were married but this wonderful topic has become a mais mitzvah so I’m going to post it anyway.
When I was interviewing for the job I have now I was told that I wouldn’t be allowed to take off for Chol Hamoed. When Pesach came around my supervisor told me that if I have enough off days left he’ll let me take off for the whole Chol Hamoed provided that I log in every morning and answer all e-mails from the previous day. I thought it was very generous but my wife didn’t think it was fair to have to do work on an off day.
For part of Yom Tov we were staying by my parents. One morning my wife came down stairs, sat down on the couch and started talking with my mother and grandmother. After a few minutes she started wondering when I was going to be home from Shachris. My grandmother told her that I already came home and was working in the basement. Looking right at my mother she said, “I really don’t know why he’s doing this if he’s not getting paid for it”. My mother was very taken aback and my grandmother was rolling her eyes while muttering something in Yiddish which my wife didn’t understand.
So my wife came down to the basement to find me but I wasn’t in front of the computer. Then she heard some banging in the laundry room and found me lying under the sink with a whole bunch of tools. “What are you doing?” she asked. “Oh, the faucet was leaking so my mother asked me replace the faulty valve…”
Here’s another one which again I can’t verify if it’s true.
The congregations’ wine barrel was running dry so the shammes asked each person to bring a jug of wine from at home and pour it into the barrel. One person was cheap and decided to bring a jug full of water to pour in. (Who could taste one jug of water mixed into a whole barrel?)
Unfortunately everyone else had the same idea.
The poor shammes almost made havdallah on water!
Elmo-
That reminds me of the Sean Ferguson story.
Not sure if this is a true story or not.
A beggar came to someones door asking for food. The host asked the man if he would like some cold chicken soup to which the man responded that he is so hungry that he’ll even have some cold chicken soup.
“OK”, responded the man, “I’ll go put the soup in the ice box. Come back in a half hour, the soup is hot now”.
The going rate should be what people are willing to pay.
A friend had to take a physics class and he had to get an A in the class or his chances of getting into the medical school of his choice would be shot. One slight problem- the only physics course available during the summer was calculus based and he never took calculus.
Now tell me- after spending thousands and sweating through a few years of pre med and maintaining a 4.0 GPA in relevant courses- how much would you be willing to pay me per hour for a crash course in calculus? $100 per hour? $200 per hour?
(I didn’t charge him since he was a friend but he took the sessions as serious as if he was paying a few hundred per hour. He got an A and into the school of his choice. He’s also a Dr. now.)
I built one from scratch when I was younger (15), it was allot of fun and it made me look forward to coming to davening. (Metoch shelo lishma ba lishma…)
Don’t use plywood or pressed wood spend the extra money and use cedar or oak. Start with 1″ X 12″ and choose a length depending on if you are building a tabletop or floor shtender. Go to your local Home Depot and choose a nice board with no knots.
Use screws instead of nails to hold the wood together (it lasts longer). You may also want to drill a .25 in wide pilot hole about .25 inches deep before driving the screws. You’d be surprised how easy it is to fill the cavity with wood putty and sand it smooth before applying the primer and finish.
Let me know if you have any other questions.
Good Luck
Thinking about Elul Zman…
I was flying to Eretz Yisroel via Toronto (on Air Canada) in the beginning of one Elul Zman.
There were a handful of bochurim from a few different cities on commuter flights flying to Toronto for the major leg of the journey and naturally the twenty or so of us all converged to the same spot in the airport.
Then 4 bochurim from Toronto came to the area where we were waiting- each one carrying a pie of pizza. They told us that they knew that there would be bochurim from other cities on the flight so they brought supper for everyone.
We got drinks, ate, schmoozed and davened Maariv before boarding the flight. We got together again for Shachris but after the plane landed we each went our own way.
As a side point-
A secular person commented to me that he noticed how pleasant such a large group of teenagers were behaving as well as how each and every one of us was dressed so respectfully; wearing shoes, black pants and a button down pressed shirt. (He also pointed out that he never saw a group that size where every single person was wearing glasses!)
Debby-
I wouldn’t advise blow drying it without taking it apart.
I once heard a piece of advice from someone after witnessing him take apart an expensive electronic item and making some modifications;
“Don’t ever let yourself be intimidated!”
This summer, while on vacation I took my wife and kids to the same restaurant we always go to while vacationing in that area.
I felt my kids were old enough this time to explain why I always take them to the same place.
Many years ago, when I was still single, my friends and I went to that same restaurant to eat. We each ordered what we wanted then went to a table to sit and schmooze while we waited for our food to be ready. When our food was ready one of us got up to pick it up from the front.
On the way back to the table he tripped and all the food, including the fries and soda, went all over the floor. The cashier called someone to clean the floor while my friend sheepishly walked to the front to place everyone’s order again.
The owner came out from the back and told the cashier not to charge him for the replacement. As much as he argued the owner stuck to his decision.
“This is my restaurant and I’m going to do whatever it takes to make sure that everyone who leaves has a positive memory of their meal.”
First TURN IT OFF RIGHT AWAY AND KEEP IT OFF!!!
I can’t stress that enough.
Here’s what I did.
Take the whole thing apart (you may need a special tool called a Torx Driver, for that you’ll need to go to your local Home Depot). After each piece is removed wrap it in a napkin or paper towel. There will be some places where you won’t be able to reach with a napkin or paper towel, for those hard to reach places I used a hair drier to evaporate the water. Do not hold the components in your hand while you do this, place it on a hard surface and wait until the piece cools off before picking it up. Skin will burn much sooner than water will evaporate.
This worked for me, I hope it works for you too.
AZ-
You seem to feel pretty strongly that the crisis can be solved by eliminating the gap. In my opinion we have to look at what is causing the gap.
I know you didn’t like this the last time I mentioned it but I’ll mention it again and I’m willing to have a dialogue with you provided that you keep it diplomatic.
It is much easier for a girl to be “good” than for a guy to be “good”. You want to know who the “not good guys” are marrying since they seem to be getting married? Maybe they are marrying younger girls who are more forgiving and naive.
One girl I went out with insisted that I commit to learning in Kollel full time for three years before going out again (after all that’s what many of her friends got). I definitely hoped to and had plans to (and eventually did) but I didn’t know the future and refused to sign. Six months later we were both single but the next round of girls were home from seminary and many eligible bochurim got married. My selection pool was much larger while hers got smaller.
Had she been right out of seminary she might have been more understanding when I said that I wanted to learn as long as possible, but she already saw that many of her friends had husbands who were learning for a few years and refused to settle for anything less than that for herself.
I’m not saying I know what the solution is but I think the first step in finding the solution is to get at the root(s) of the problem.
“The counselors are not paid enough, and though that is not your fault, like a waiter or waitress, they depend on these tips for parnassah.”
Counselors, waiters, lifeguards… especially the younger ones who are still in high school, have less expenses and usually depend on their parents, not a summer job, for parnassah. In many cases the camp is doing them and their parents a favor by keeping them busy during the summer.
I personally feel that there should be one all inclusive fee for camps (which include appropriate salaries for the staff) and tipping should not be allowed. Let’s see if any camps have a hard time finding staff members.
1974- Philippe Petit, who snuck into the World Trade Center with a 450 lb box of 3/4 inch cable the night before and took it to the 104th floor in a cargo elevator, schlepped the box up six flights to the roof (a friend helped).
In the early hours of the morning he strung the cable between the two towers.
Shortly after 7:00 he walked out on the rope. For 45 minutes he walked back and forth 7 to 8 times, kneeled, bowed, danced and even lied down on the cable before surrendering to the Port Authority Police.
All charges were later dropped and he was given a free pass to the observation deck of the WTC for life. (He last visited early September of 2001.)
Philippe, who was 6 days shy of his 25th birthday spent 6 years planning and practicing for this stunt.
When I stop for gas at a full service station I get out of the car to schmooze with the attendant- nothing too deep, just like “How’s your day been going so far?…” (If it’s really cold outside I offer them to sit in the car and warm up while the car fills up (only one attendant ever took me up on the offer.))
When I’m done I give the person a dollar. The one dollar means much more to him than it does to me. (You should see the look of appreciation on some of their faces. For the $50 to $100 a year this tipping costs I think it’s worth it.)
One guy at a station on the NJ Turnpike made a mistake once and couldn’t stop apologizing. I felt so bad for him that from then on I always made sure to stop at that rest area and pull up to the pump that he was serving. If he wasn’t there I asked the attendant who served me to send him regards (he would usually let me know on my next trip that he got the message). I kept up with him for a few years until he got promoted (to fork lift operator at the warehouse) and switched locations.
1974- Philippe Petit snuck into the World Trade Center with a 450 lb box of 3/4 inch cable and took it to the 104th floor in a cargo elevator.
Traditionally my family knew we descended from a certain gadol but didn’t know how.
For the project my sister was researching this gadol and at the end of one story she read the magazine said that the author is an eight generation descendant of this gadol.
After contacting the author she determined that he is my grandmothers third cousin but he had a tree from his great-great-grandparents down which included my grandmothers grandfather. He then offered a tree going up to Rashi. From there my father did research and traced it to Dovid Hamelech and eventually up to Odom.
If the information is there- it’s there. If it’s not there I have no idea how to go about getting it. Sorry 🙁
For a class project my sister traced us back to Rashi. From there my father got a tree going back to Dovid Hamelech and then all the way back to Odom Harishon.
He told some loony he met on the subway who claimed that we all come from apes that we can prove we descend from humans but “I have no problem believing that your ancestors are monkeys if you insist”.
This never happened to me but I heard that there is a restaurant in midtown that charges employees from certain companies for free delivery!
When I’m waiting for an elevator and another person comes and has to press the call button even though it’s clearly lit.
(I don’t lose much sleep over this though.)
I personally don’t like the idea of dating more than one person at a time (can you decide which song or food you like better by listening to them or eating them both at the same time?) but it’s just my opinion.
This story happened to my sister (who shares my opinion). My only involvement was that I was an unknowing accomplice.
A shadchan called and had a guy for my sister who (at that time) was the top guy in Lakewood. Guy drives in, takes her out and she decides she isn’t interested. Before she can get in touch with the shadchan- another shadchan called to set her up with the top guy in Lakewood (it must have been a tie for that zman). My sister readily agreed to go out with him. This guy though insisted that my sister travel to Lakewood for the date.
When she called the first shadchan to let her know her decision, the shadchan told her that she has to go out with him again since it’s understood that if he has a long drive he gets at least two dates.
She is now committed to going out with two guys.
She told the first shadchan that she has to go to Lakewood for a simcha or something so she’ll go out with the first guy in Lakewood.
My mother got all frantic that she might come back a little late from the first date and the second guy will be sitting in his car watching her come back from a date so she had my sister go out from two different cousins houses.
Now here’s where I come in. My mother called a cousin of ours and asked them to invite us under the guise that my wife needed a break (she was in her 9th month at the time). So while we were in Lakewood my sister “happened to also be there” and needed a ride from one cousin to another for a date. (I only found out about the whole story after the fact.)
I guess it’s better to say that your brother dropped you off for the date than to say that another date dropped you off!
You all probably figured out what happened next, right? She liked the first guy better and agreed to go out with him again. When my mother called the shadchan for the second guy, the shadchan told her that she made him commit to two dates since my sister was traveling for the date.
Now again she had to date two guys, in the same city on the same day.
After this date she liked the second guy better and ended it with the first.
She later ended it with the second guy also. 🙁
I hope you don’t feel for a second that your parents don’t have the best intentions in mind for you when they pursue or reject a potential date.
Try to explain to them what you feel is important in a spouse and listen to what they feel is important to them in a son-in-law.
Somewhere out there is that one special person who is perfect for you and your parents.
The longer and harder you have to look for him the more special he’ll be to you and your parents.
Hashem created you with love and he created someone just for you, also with His infinite love.
May you be zoche to find your basherte in the right time.
I heard this story about R’ Mendel Kaplan and I think it’s a great story.
This probably goes back to the 50s or 60s.
R’ Mendel was driving from Philadelphia to New York when he saw someone trying to hitch a ride to who knows where. The guy asked R’ Mendel where he’s going and after R’ Mendel told him he said, “hey Rabbi, I’m also going to New York, can I come along?”.
After he starts driving, R’ Mendel tells the person how happy he is to have picked him up. “I hate doing the drive by myself so I am so happy you are here to keep me company.” Later on R’ Mendel apologized and said, “I’m so sorry to take you out of your way, but I really need to get a coffee, can I at least get you a coffee or a soda?” His passenger declined, but did agree to wait in the car right outside while R’ Mendel ran in so that he didn’t have to park.
When they arrived in New York the guy asked to be dropped off at a subway station. Before he left the vehicle he looked at R’ Mendel and said, “you know Rabbi, I just got let out of prison this very evening and I need some money. I was planning on robbing the first person who stopped for me but I just couldn’t do it to you- you were too nice to me”.
Yes I can only try, that’s the correct answer.
He assumed it was 8% (4% chance that he was not a carrier + 4% that she is not a carrier = 8%), he happened to be close though.
The method I used was 1 – .96 * .96 = .0784 or 7.84%.
He did not feel it was worth it for such a small chance. I felt that I didn’t have the qualifications to convince him otherwise but I strongly convinced him to speak to a rov (which at first he refused to).
The rov from Dor Yeshorim who told them the news advised them to not speak with each other anymore and any communication between the two of them should go through him, the shadchan or another competent person. For obvious reasons he did not tell the shadchan what happened (he didn’t feel it was right to have the shadchan know that she was a carrier) he just said “thank you” and that he would highly recommend the girl to anyone else but they are not meant for each other.
He found out through the rov that she went for additional testing and he felt he owed it to her to go for the additional testing also.
The results were that they are not compatible.
I don’t know who she is but I heard that she got married.
He is married with some kids.
This is based on a true situation.
A guy I know was about to get engaged when they submitted their numbers to Dor Yeshorim and were told that they are probably not compatible.
The test that Dor Yeshorim performed had a 4% rate of false positives for the genetic disorder that they both tested positive for (in other words there was a 4% chance that he was not a carrier and a 4% chance that she was not a carrier). The rov that called them informed them that there is a much more expensive test that is 100% accurate.
Before spending over $1,000 on the test, he wanted to know the probability that they would be compatible.
What are the chances that they are compatible?