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A friend received a call for information about me after I had told the shadchan that I felt the girl she suggested wasn’t for me. (The friend knew I wasn’t interested but due to a communication error the shadchan told the mother I had agreed to go out with her daughter.)
He decided to answer all of her “brilliant” questions with even better answers.
Mother-in-law of the year: “So what is he looking for in a wife?”
Mr. Friend: “I honestly don’t know, I got engaged before he was even thinking of dating and we never had a serious discussion about what he is looking for.”
Mother-in-law of the year: “If you had a sister of marriageable age, would-“
Mr. Friend: “I actually do have a sister who is currently on the market.”
Mother-in-law of the year: “Well, would you let your sister go out with him?”
Mr. Friend: “No way, I wouldn’t even consider it.”
Mother-in-law of the year: “Why not?”
Mr. Friend: “My sister is looking for a long term learner and he is going to college and plans to get a job after a few years of Kollel.”
Mother-in-law of the year: “What if that’s what your sister is looking for, then would you let them go out?”
Mr. Friend: “For sure, I would have set them up along time ago.”
Mother-in-law of the year: “Let’s say he marries my daughter and they have a child together. If the baby wakes up in middle of the night, will he take care of the baby or would he make my daughter get out of bed?”
Mr. Friend: “To tell you the truth, in all the years we’ve been roommates that situation never came up.”
Mother-in-law of the year: “OK, I see. Let’s try another scenario. Let’s say they get married and they go to the wedding of one of her friends. Being that he doesn’t know anyone there- will he dance during the dancing or just eat?”
Mr. Friend: “I actually thought of that question myself recently and decided to see for myself what he would do when he is at a wedding where he doesn’t know anyone, but since I was there and he knew me I couldn’t find out.”
Mother-in-law of the year: “My husband gives the 6:00 A.M. Daf Yomi Shiur at our shul every morning, would he be prepared to give it if my husband has to go out of town?”
Mr. Friend: “I don’t get up before 9:00 A.M. so I don’t know what he is capable of doing at 6 in the morning.”
Mother-in-law of the year: “Can you please put your wife on the phone?”
Mr. Friend: “Sure, but she doesn’t know him at all.”
Mrs. Friend: “Hello, nice to speak with you.”
Mother-in-law of the year: “Can you do me a favor? Go get your rolling pin and whack your husband over the head until you knock some sense into him.”
Mr. Friend (taking back the phone): “I can’t say for sure what he is looking for but I can say for sure what he is not looking for.”
Mother-in-law of the year: “What’s that?”
Mr. Friend: “He definitely does not want a violent mother-in-law!”
She actually called the shadchan to say she was interested and the shadchan had to tell her that she made a mistake and that I had never agreed in the first place.
The mother then asked another shadchan, who is also a family friend, to personally suggest the shidduch, but again it was turned down.
I hope to continue with my regular schedule.
Gabboim-
I agree with you, even more so if the computer you are using to go online belongs to the company.
Some one asked the Chief Technology Officer at an all employee meeting if we can surf the web while we are supposed to be working. He gave permission on a few conditions:
1. We get all our work done at the end of the day regardless,
2. We don’t use the Internet for anything “unprofessional” (use your imagination- the IP address can be traced to the company)
3. It does not impact anyone else’s ability to work (downloading movies during business hours can use up a good portion of the bandwidth).
(It is explicitly stated in the company policy that since we are a financial institution- everything that takes place on any computer that is logged into under our user-name and password is permanently recorded and is our responsibility.)
hereorthere- In my opinion you should be entitled to a coffee break here and there and you should feel free to do what ever you want with your personal property (iPad…) during that time, but that all changes if the boss specifically says otherwise.
When I was in Israel a sweet middle aged woman who lived nearby came to the dira and asked how she can wash her husbands tzitzis without ruining the strings.
Everyone else admitted that they never wash their tzitzis but I showed her how to wrap the strings in aluminum foil and put the beged in a mesh bag and how to hang it up to dry as opposed to using a dryer.
I offered to lend her the mesh bag but she admitted that it was just a test to see who was good enough for her niece.
“Would you like to go out with her?”
“Sorry, I would love to have you as an aunt, but I’m only 19.”
I can only try-
I prefer to call them variables but thanks for the compliment.
Maybe Chofetz Chaim can verify this but I just read that the Chofetz Chaim married his step-sister.
RISE
RILE
FILE
FILL
FALL
CALM
CALL
WALL
WILL
WILD
A novel about his pseudonym alone would make a best seller.
I think I get it: Zev = Wolf?
emoticon613-
Supposedly he wrote another book, “Samson’s Lion” but under a pseudonym.
I think “Alef Shin” and “Every Man a Slave” were written by the same author.
oomis1105-
During a phone call in between dates my wife asked if we could have an argument. I picked a topic which had nothing to do with us personally and I knew we wouldn’t agree on (we still don’t). We had a pleasant “disagreement” and at the end we agreed that we can respect each other’s opinions even thought they are different.
I was good to see that we could get along without agreeing on everything.
There are many parameters to take into account- your knowledge in the field, the need of the person being tutored, the amount of readily available tutors and the going rate.
I normally do not charge for tutoring but the last time I charged it was for $65 per hour. The parents were willing to pay any price for their son to pass his math regents so he wouldn’t have to take summer school.
Why isn’t it fair? Both Air France and BA retired their fleet in 2003.
The guy came to empty the lock boxes with confidential company information and told me that our company actually makes money when we put papers in there as opposed to shredding them ourselves since the destroyed and recycled documents get sold to Marcal to make tissues.
“Cool”, I said, “Next time I wipe my nose I’ll check if my name is on the tissue”.
“Actually”, he replied, “I’d sooner look out for the staples”!
I think I’m missing something. Please let me know where I’m going wrong.
There are two sets of three wires, each set has a black (hot) wire, a white (neutral) wire and a bare (ground) wire.
The bare wires from both sets are connected to each other and the frame of the fixture. One of the remaining sets of black and white wires are connected to the corresponding black and white wires from the fixture and the other black and white wire are connected to each other.
Is that correct?
If there is a black (hot) wire connected to a white (neutral) wire and there is electricity flowing to the black wire- wouldn’t that blow a fuse?
SJSinNYC knows one of them- check out this post: http://www.theyeshivaworld.com/coffeeroom/topic/funny-shidduch-stories/page/7#post-55074
This was in response to a post of mine that got deleted asking how they “happened” to have feelings for each other while cleaning for Pesach.
Depends on the 5th grader. The father who asked me to help his son couldn’t figure it out.
The topic itself was tree diagrams but I thought the question might have been tricky for a 5th grader who might not realize that the two events are not mutually exclusive.
I came across this question while helping a 5th grader do his homework. While the answer is clearly 1/6 (use the brute force method if necessary) I’m curious to know if this is what the teacher had in mind.
(The question before was exactly the same except that the first marble was reblaced after noting what color it was.)
There are four marbles of different colors: white, blue, red and green. You pick two with out replacement.
What are the chances of picking a non-green one in the first pick and a white one on the second pick?
This is a potential office prank I’m contemplating pulling on my supervisor in honor of her recent promotion.
She is nervous about becoming an officer since the company is responsible for her actions.
Some background first-
About two hundred employees under the CFO were trained for 18 months to work on a project at lightning speeds. What used to take two weeks now only takes 4 days. It’s very stressful as everything is timed and there are close to 800 dependencies which can be messed up by a single employee taking too long for a single task.
I heard rumors as to when the next project is going to be.
The plan is for me and my colleagues who report to this manager to schedule a meeting with her and tell her “in confidence” that our wives are expecting at that time and we plan on using only some, say a week or so, of the companies generous paternity leave plan.
She will have to somehow find replacements for all of us for those high stress days and she won’t be allowed to tell her supervisors why.
Anyone like this idea?
Not a prank, just a funny story from high school.
About six months after the Yeshivas building was completed the massive hot water tank died. Still under warranty, the contractors sent a couple burly plumbers (who were apparently experts at plumbing, but not personal hygiene) to schlep out the old one and install the new one.
I commented to one of the plumbers that a brand new commercial hot water tank should last at least 12 months. Right?
In all seriousness he looks at me and says, “What do you guys do? Shower every DAY!”.
The rest of them burst out laughing at his sarcasm.
Yes, that’s it, it’s in Baltimore.
No, that was a real typo.
I had something else in mind.
No
Is that the only obvious mistake you noticed?
Stage freight: being scared of getting up in front of many people.
Not so funny, but I wanted to get this thread back on the radar screen.
I was sitting with a date and schmoozing when a foreigner came up to us and without our permission took a picture of us together. My date was speechless until I said to her, “You don’t mind appearing in the Asian edition of National Geographic, do you”?
(Not my wife.)
I did this on a friend of mine.
We each had to write a story and read it to the class.
One guy, who although he was very popular, had horrible stage freight and I knew from previous episodes that he would hold the paper up to his nose and read word for word.
His story was about a family trip to a relative in Boston and in it he also mentioned that they toured the USS Constellation.
I secretly changed the USS Constellation to the USS Constipation to see if he would read it anyway.
He only realised afterwards what he said but he did get a kick out of it.
_____________________________________________
What is stage freight?
Glad to provide my service.
I had a similar incident when I was single. A lady who was clearly not 100% worked at a local supermarket and seemed to have an interest in me. My mother advised me to just ignore her and she would leave me alone. The problem was it’s not in my personality to disregard someone who is talking to me.
My father came along once and stared her down as she made her comments. She immediately backed off.
On Succos I washed in a restaurant and was on my way out to the Succah to eat when we crossed paths. She greeted me and tried to make conversation but I couldn’t answer. She got annoyed and said, “OK, be like that”.
She severed the relationship after that.
Send a threatening letter warning him to keep his distance from your wife- and don’t sign it.
There was this guy in Bais Medrash who was tall, friendly and charismatic. Whenever a new guy would come for a faher or to visit he would personally welcome them and help them get settled.
He also had a shticky side to him and wouldn’t hesitate to use it on a new guy who he felt could handle it.
So, this new guy comes, gets his royal welcome and the person introduces him to the Rosh Hayeshiva who asked him to stop by after Maariv.
After Maariv this guy went over to the new guy to ask him if there is anything else he could help him with. They shmoozed for two minutes until the new guy looks up and says, “Oh no, I was supposed to meet the Rosh Hayeshiva after Maariv and I don’t know where he went!”.
“Don’t worry”, the other guy reassures him, “I’ll show you where he went.” He walks him out of the Bais Medrash and pointing to the Rosh Hayeshivas office says, “he went into here”.
The new guy nervously knocks on the door and the other guys jaw drops, “That’s the bathroom!” he says with a dead serious face.
The new guys face turns bright red and he stammers “I assumed it was his office”. In the meantime a voice from inside says “come in”. The new guy almost faints.
If it is more than 12 inches deep or so you’ll need plywood or pressed wood. I think 12 inches deep is adequate. You can still have it 18 inches long if you wish.
I got an expensive piece of either pine wood or oak and made sure there were no knots in it. Go to your local Home Depot, look at the different pieces of wood available, go home and design it. Home Depot will make straight cuts in the wood but no angle cuts so you’ll need your own saw.
Before I put in the screws I drilled a pilot hole (about .25 inches wide and .25 inches deep) and after putting in the screw I filled the cavity with wood paste (or whatever it’s called).
You can then sand down the entire surface so it is smooth before staining the wood and glossing it. I recommend using 2 or three layers of gloss.
Interestingly, I was 14 or 15 at the time and couldn’t wait to get to the Bais Medrash in the morning so I could use the shtender.
Good luck.
This is a counter prank I did as a teacher on a student who tried to prank me.
A different student had a hard time staying in his seat the whole class. I asked what it will take him to stay in his seat for 45 minutes straight. He made me a deal that I have to memorize the first hundred digits of pi (and write it on the board in front of the whole class) if he stays put for one whole class.
Sure enough, a few weeks later he some how stayed put for an entire class. After class he announced that during the next class I will be writing the first hundred digits of pi on the board from memorization.
Of course I knew what at least one wise guy was going to do and I had to come up with a plan for a counter attack.
Before class I found two different text books that had the first few hundred digits of pi and copied those pages for the class. At the end of class I wrote the 100 digits on the board and I heard some whispering that most of the numbers were wrong. Then I gave out the photocopies so that everyone can see that the numbers were correct.
“But Mr. Pepper”, one student chimed, “the last 80 numbers are different from the numbers on the paper that Heshy gave out”!
“Well”, I said, “Let’s ask Heshy how he calculated the numbers, he must have used an approximation method that is only valid for the first 20 decimal spots or so”.
Heshy admitted that he tried to prank me by giving everyone the fake numbers so it will look like I made it up.
As I was erasing the board and dismissing the class I announced with a straight face that “as always, anything I write on the board, whether it is in the book or not, is fair material for a test”.
Not sure how well this will work but the idea just popped into my head.
When I was single, in Yeshiva full time and college part time I was approached by a Yeshiva and asked to teach for 45 minutes a day. (The principal had already checked to make sure I was legally qualified.)
Although I was paid the same amount as other teachers my expenses were minimal (probably $10 a week) and I would have taken the job for a mere fraction of what they offered. I do feel that my experience as a teacher made me into a better parent (ok, ok at the expense of some one else’s kids…).
Here’s the idea-
What if the yeshivas and seminaries would encourage their students to volunteer (or work for a smaller paycheck) for a year or two after high school/ seminary/ Israel before they get married. It doesn’t even have to be teaching it could be cooking, cleaning or even making sure the lights and air-conditioning/ heating is turned off every night.
Mommy613-
There are two very different types of pranks- harmless ones that cause no damage (hiding a piece of chalk in the eraser) and pranks that cause a loss (ordering pizza to a teacher in middle of the night).
The way Yeshivas are designed (for the most part) is to give the bochurim very little free time since the less time they have to be bored the better. There has to be some sort of outlet for them to release the energy that teen boys build up during the day.
There is no justification to pranks that cause damage.
Before I started teaching my father gave me some advice.
“Every Jewish boy belongs in yeshiva (although not every Jewish boy is necessarily in the correct yeshiva for him), not every Jewish man belongs in chinuch. As a teacher you have to be able to handle whatever pranks are aimed at you and not give punishments out of anger. If not, you do not belong in chinuch.
Just like a neurosurgeon, who has the life of his patients in his hands, can only perform an operation that is beneficial solely for the patient, how much more so a mechanech, who holds the future of his student and all future generations, can only give a punishment that is appropriate and beneficial.”
As a teacher I was definitely the subject of many pranks, the vast majority of those being harmless.
Seeing them score (as a whole) over the 90th percentile on standardized exams, and the relationship I still keep with some of them as they study for their professional exams makes it worth it in the long run.
I once almost had my cover blown but my quick thinking saved me.
Some one said to me “Hey you have to see this, some one is impersonating you. Check out this website called ‘The Yeshiva World’ and go to the ‘Coffee Room’. There’s a thread there called ‘The Riddle Thread…’ where someone goes by the name Dr. Pepper and asks the same kind of riddles that you would.”
I said “Oh, it’s probably a former student of mine. Can you do me a favor? Tell the guy to get a life. Thanks”
The person must have just been a lurker because they never posted it. That was the closest call I ever had.
bein_hasdorim-
I’m glad you enjoy them at my expense 🙂
My wife keeps reminding me how much more I appreciate her because of what I went through.
I’m curious to know how many of the people these stories happened with got to relive the experience by reading it here!
d a- Either I hate numbers or I’m waiting until the count is up to my favorite number (4,294,967,297), I’ll let you decide.
Here’s a story about numbers. I had to change a detail but the main point remains the same.
Some one found out the combination to the safe that was in the main office and spread it around yeshiva. The yeshiva had to hire a locksmith (at a cost of a few hundred dollars) to change the combination.
What cost $400 to change, was easily cracked using an innocent hint from the naive locksmith and high school mathematics.
I didn’t share the code with anyone but a few months later, before I graduated, I had to let the Hanhalla know that someone knows the combo. (I just had to do it.)
One of the secular teachers was giving us a final and going on vacation the next day. He told us that if we want our grades we should leave a number after our names and he’ll call the principal, read off the numbers and tell him the grade for each number.
So the teacher calls and reads off the numbers-
16854: 75
13516: 82
25548: 87
36494: 62
42-63-58-84: 98
71516: 91
…
This isn’t a prank, just some wording that could be taken two different ways. (Had he meant it the other way I would not be posting this.)
The Yeshiva for some reason ended a few days later than most other yeshivos but they were understanding if guys needed to leave early to get a position at camp.
One popular guy took off those last few days every year until 12th grade when the Rosh Hayeshiva told him that they needed someone charismatic to speak by the graduation so he couldn’t leave early. He was very disappointed since the camp told him that they would have to replace him if he couldn’t be there for the whole summer.
So, the guy is speaking by the graduation. He gets up to the gratitude part of the speech where he thanks his parents, teachers… “And, last but not least, I owe a very special thanks to the Rosh Hayeshiva, who if not for him I wouldn’t be standing here right now…”
d a-
Who doesn’t keep a washing machine timer in their locker? LOL
You asked for it- here’s the story.
Our economics teacher wasn’t the sharpest tool in the shed. He also spoke in a monotone that went up and down with the same rhythmic period as the diesel engines on the Staten Island Ferry. (I used to be able to model it using the sine function but that’s for a different time.)
One friend, I’ll call him Zevy, used to come down with serious indigestion just from hearing the guy lecture. During one particular boring class the teacher said that “counterfeiting money can ruin the economy”. Zevy raises his hand and asks “how can paper ruin the economy?” The teachers face went blank because he’s reading out of the textbook and it doesn’t explain it. So Zevy continues, “I counterfeit money but I’d hate to cause any damage to this wonderful country”.
The teacher looks at him in disbelief and says, “yeah right, can you bring some in tomorrow?”
That afternoon Zevy went to the bank and asked to withdraw a few thousand dollars in crisp hundred dollar bills from a student fund he helped manage. (He was even lucky enough to get some in sequence.)
The next day before class he put the bills on his seat and sat down on them (you’ll see why later). During class the teacher remember and said, “So Zevy, did you bring any samples of that money you print up?” Zevy slid the money out and stood up, “Oh, I almost forgot to show you, here’s some that I just printed before class, it’s still warm from the press”. Zevy then began to show him how sophisticated his operation was as most counterfeiters use all the same serial number and his machine prints them in sequence. Also, to the best of his knowledge, he was the only one who was able to get the thread into the bill.
The teacher was able to tell that they were fake (it just has that look) but admitted that they were the best fakes he ever saw!
Fast forward a few weeks and the washing machine repair guy comes to fix the washing machine (it got stuck in the rinse cycle and flooded the place). The repair guy showed me how some detergent got into the timer and it couldn’t move to the next cycle. I asked him if I could keep the broken one to show my physics teacher and he let.
The next time Zevy felt ready to sign the Declaration of Constipation before class even began we hatched a plan to get him excused without getting permission from the principal.
Before class I called the teacher over and showed him the timer. “We had a really bad break down in the machine last night, look at all this ink that leaked into the timer, the machine couldn’t go to the next cycle and the bills have to much green ink on them and could never pass off as real. We have a contract to get lots of cash to one of our clients by midnight, so Zevy has to stand over the machine and make sure nothing goes wrong.”
The teacher understood and promised not to tell anyone.
The copper wire came from that timer.
The following I did as a student.
Our economics teacher reserved the VCR for our class that day but didn’t bother showing up (or letting the school know that he wasn’t coming in).
So, we had the VCR in the room with no teacher or videos to watch and the school had snipped the antenna at the base so it couldn’t be used as a TV.
Some guys tried to attach wire hangers and other stuff but nothing worked practically and we couldn’t get good reception.
Then I had an idea. I got a washing machine timer from my locker, unwound all the copper wire from the motor, and strung the wire back and forth a couple of times from the screw hole for the antenna to a lightning rod right outside the window.
We watched Tom and Jerry for the remainder of the class.
d a-
He was somewhat of a difficult student to control, so technically he can say anything he did afterwards was in response to the prank; but I don’t know if he never sat down and plotted revenge. (By the time he graduated he had settled down and was a very respected Bochur.)
This story happened before I finished my PhD so at that time my students called me Mr. Pepper (amongst many other things…).
SJSinNYC-
What about summer camp/ bungalow colony?
Here’s another one I did as a teacher.
There was one kid who couldn’t keep his mouth shut during tests (OK, maybe more than one- but one who was really loud) and I decided to use it against him.
For one question on a trigonometry test I had a picture of a triangle and under the base it said “x = 27” but on his test I put in a different page that said “x = ?”. The question was to “solve for ‘x'”.
Sure enough one guy raises his hand and says “Mr. Pepper, I think you made a mistake on number 7”. Looking down at my copy I said, “Whoops, I think I just gave everyone a freebie”. The class started chuckling except for this guy who said “there’s no way to do it”. Now the class was laughing. He just kept on going at how there was no solution.
After the test, when he figured out what happened he told me I was going to regret it.
Knowing him I probably did.
Why don’t we have a thread for each regent where students can post questions they don’t understand and teachers (and former teachers) can post the answers and explanations.
Here’s a tip I taught my trigonometry class to remember sine, cosine and tangent-
Sine = Opposite / Hypotenuse,
Cosine = Adjacent / Hypotenuse,
Tangent = Opposite / Adjacent.
The order of the three is the same on all calculators- sine, cosine and tangent.
To remember the letters O H A H O A, make a sentence- Oh Heaven, Another Hour Of Avi.
I find it amazing that some of them still remember it years later.
Not sure if this will make it past the mods but worth a try.
After the guy parks and they get out of the car, the guy realizes that there are three creeps drinking beer surrounded by a mountain of empty beer cans and bottles just a few feet away. As they try walking away real fast one of them approaches and asks for some money. The guy gives him a few bucks to get them away but then realizes that he just parked his car less than two meters from their living room. He then makes them a deal that if they watch his car until they come back and make sure no one touches it he’ll give them an additional five dollars. (In other words- go bother another car.)
After the date the guys are still there and want their five dollars, which the guy gave them. After letting the girl into the car one of the creeps went to a nearby wall and started to do something that people who drink that much beer have to do every five minutes.
Being the gentleman that he was, the guy stood in front of her window so she wouldn’t have to witness what was going on. The guy took off his jacket and pretended like he was holding it up to get ready to hang it up. Finally he opened the back door, removed the hanger he brought and hung up his jacket.
He then got into the car and started driving, being very impressed with himself at how he blocked the whole incident from her. She finally broke the silence and said “It’s a good thing you didn’t offer them another five dollars to wash the car while we were gone”!
They ended up getting married but he made it clear that she can feel free to clean the house as often as she wants but he’ll take care of washing the cars.
Dovv-
If you are pranking me and I catch you, I’m going to post your grades for everyone to see.
Dovv
Part of the prank was for everyone to write the same exact thing, word for word, to make it appear as if they all did it together, yet he didn’t see anyone talking to anyone else.