Dr. Pepper

IUseBrains-

I’m also.

I’ll repeat this again for the benefit of those who haven’t read it in other threads.

I always tell my wife that even if the only thing she ever did for me was rescue me from those nasty shadchanim I’d still be forever indebted to her.

Not that I have any details in what is going on-

But…

When I would be harassed by nasty shadchanim I’d tell them that everything has to go through my mother. She did great as a firewall.

How about writing a nice poem on a card.

From my experience, presents that take time yet have a minimal cost are more valuable than expensive gifts.

May you and your wife be zoche to have many more happy years together.

(And may the two of you enjoy reading this poem out loud at your 50th anniversary.)

IUseBrains-

Please don’t take offense, but you seem like the kind of shadchan that my friends and I had to blacklist.

When a shadchan gives a girls name to a guy it is up to him (and his parents) what to do from there. My mother told one shadchan to never call her back after she said “you think you’re being farfrumpted, well you’re being farcrumped. You have to tell me why you’re saying ‘no’. I’m a professional shadchan and therefore the issur of Loshon Hora doesn’t apply to me. Stop being a chanyukkel on someone elses cheshbon.”

(My mother worked with this girl and had wonderful things to say about her (including that there was nothing wrong with her) but she knew her well enough to know that she wasn’t for me.)

Who are you to decide what is unjustified? What is important to one person may be a non-issue to someone else and vice versa.

The shadchanim need to learn to be civilized or they are ruining the chances for many girls who otherwise may have no access to guys in yeshiva.

(If the guy and his mother are harrassing you non-stop to find him a shidduch and this is how they are acting then I see where you are coming from.)

He was talking about the president who fired him.

Post your questions here.

Many of us would love to help you.

Heard this from a non-reliable source who claimed it was true but I don’t believe it.

Here is goes.

An ex-Rabbi is speaking by his good bye party after being fired by the president of the shul for being too Frum:

There were three things that complained to Hashem that they were being sidelined;

1. Asher Yotzar,

2. Aleinu and

3. Mamzeirim.

Asher Yotzar complained that it is such an important brocha but people rush through it every morning while half asleep. Hashem decreed that from then on, everyone will say the brocha a few times a day.

Aleinu complained that people rush through saying it while on their way out of shul and no one has the proper concentration. Hashem decreed that from then on Aleinu will play a major role in the Yomim Noraim davening.

Mamzeirim complained that they didn’t do anything wrong yet they are punished for life. They can’t marry anyone but another mamzer and they have to carry the shame with them where ever they go. Therefore Hashem decreed that a mamzer should be the president of this very congregation…

on the ball-

There are a few reasons why we decided to donate anonymously (although it’s not set in stone).

#1. When I was in Kollel I was asked to put in a full page ad for a family member being honored. I explained that I was in Kollel and couldn’t afford a full page ad. The dinner chairman told me to give what I want and he’ll give me a full page ad. (Thinking back, I don’t think it was fair that someone who paid full price should only get the same recognition as someone who paid a small fraction.)

#2. A Rebbe I was close with was being honored and I had lots of Hakaras Hatov for the special attention he gave me as well as the kesher he kept up for 20+ years. I decided to put in a full page “thank you” at $500. I later found out that a younger grade was having a hard time scraping together $25 a piece from the 20 classmates and I felt it was arrogant to have a full page ad next to theirs and I asked the journal committee not to publish it. (They sent the Rebbe a copy of the ad and an explanation as to why I requested that it not be published.)

#3. A shy neighbor (who has helped us with the kids in the past) asked us to put in an ad for her yearbook. The school warned that anyone who didn’t raise a few hundred dollars for the yearbook cost would have a picture of an elephant in the yearbook instead of theirs and she thought it may hurt her shidduch prospects. I was willing to put in an ad but my wife said it will be offensive to her parents if someone else places a larger ad than they were able to afford. My wife gave her the full amount (so that she wouldn’t have to ask others who may insist on placing an ad).

am yisrael chai-

Did we meet each other on a different site?

(The person I’m thinking of brags to have started the thread with the most replies and views.)

Droid-

That I can’t answer.

I can answer what happened to me in a similar case.

This same R”Y told me about working Tisha B’av before chatzos, “you won’t see any mazal in the work done”.

Sure enough, the work I did was all wrong and not only did I have to do it again, but I also had to notify all those who relied on my work that the data is bad.

(That is the only time I recall making the error I made that morning.)

This is my personal opinion-

Yes, I would. When they scan something, if it comes out less than marked they will usually give it to you anyways and it makes you look good. (Normally the item is on sale but the tag fell off so the price is correct.)

I have also gone back to the store when I noticed that they didn’t charge me for an item. Again, I didn’t have to but it made me feel good.

A friend once wasn’t charged at Staples for an expensive toner and asked his R”Y what to do. He was told that he was allowed to keep it but he won’t see any mazal with anything it’s used for. He called the corporate HQ and they told him to enjoy it.

binahyeseira-

It sounds like a great idea but I have some reservations.

Most important- I don’t think it’s fair to put anyone on the list without their explicit permission. Given the skewed advantage towards shidduchim that guys have I doubt many would want to sign up.

Also, before many people give their permission they’ll want to know who is going to have access the list and in what way it’s going to be used.

Which gets back to my original idea of having a board in charge of certifying shadchanim and a universal set of rules that all shadchanim must follow or face losing their certification and possibly facing consequences.

(By the way, I realize that in reality this is probably never going to happen.)

I can only try-

Yup, I noticed.

# of buttons in Combination	# of ways

0	                        1

1	                        13

2	                        78

3	                        286

4	                        715

5	                        1,287

6	                        1,716

7	                        1,716

8	                        1,287

9	                        715

10	                        286

11	                        78

12	                        13

13	                        1

Total	                        8,192

As we all know 2^13 is 8,192.

I can only try-

Please check your math, I taught you what formula to use already.

If you have an accident report your insurer can find out.

Please don’t delete my posts 🙁

I want to be the poster with the least amount of deleted posts.

Thanks

be good-

Quite understandably, the USPS is not in the business of launching accident investigations. Ask for their insurance carrier to issue the letter.

A shadchan once had a girl from me but warned us that her first name is … Goldie. I’m not so sure what is wrong with that name.

I might be mixing her up with another girl (I didn’t end up going out with her) but the shadchan warned that she’s a red head, “but she’s willing to buy a different color sheital if it really bothers you”.

My wife jokingly said that in the coming generation there will be many girls named Goldie, short for Golden Palace Casino dot com, the gambling website known for buying the rights on eBay to name an expectant mothers’ child.

When our babysitter had that issue I told her to let her father answer one time, explaining that he had her phone for the day, and ask if he could help.

I think it solved the problem.

bombmaniac-

I see where you’re coming from but please take it easy. Here’s what I wrote in a similar thread ==>9 months ago<==.

I normally stay away from threads like this so that I don’t offend anyone. If anyone does take offence please forgive me retroactively.

A teacher of mine in high school once told us that everyone in the world is discriminated against one way or another. The example he gave regarding himself was that he wasn’t allowed to be a fighter pilot in the U.S.A.F. because he was over 6’6″ and couldn’t fit into the cockpit!

Growing up my parents always taught us to have the utmost respect for Baalei Teshuva. In my fathers words- “They are on a level that we can’t even come close to”. My kids got to see this first hand over this past three day Yom Tov when my parents saved the best food and nicest China and cutlery for the seuda where we had guests who were Baalei Teshuva.

When my brothers and I were dating my parents politely told shadchanim that they would only consider girls whose ancestors have always been frum- the reason being that a kohain can not marry a challal and if he does his children can not do the avodah and are not considered kohanim.

Take a simple case where a non-frum couple got divorced and she got remarried to a kohain. Their children are challalim and can not marry kohanim. (And this is in the case where we’re assuming that the divorce was done properly- think about what the parameters change to if it wasn’t done properly!)

Although this may be very rare, I do know of one family where this happened and their children are not kohanim.

There are many silly things out there but I agree with my parents for taking this seriously.

Here’s my experience-

In the past 10 years I was involved in two accidents where damages were well over $1,000. In each case I asked the other drivers insurance company to provide documentation that I shared in 0% of the responsibility (one driver ran a stop sign, the other rear ended me at a red light). Both insurance companies readily complied.

My rates did not go up because of either one and when I switched insurance companies and they did a search on my driving record it came up spotless.

I’m not sure where you’re from but in NY I’m fairly certain that legally you’re required to report any damage to your insurer.

(Someone knocked off our side view mirror and didn’t leave a note, there was a security camera pointed at the parking spot and the security from the building showed me the video of the car that did it. They said that they can’t give me the video without a court order but the insurance company will take care of that for me. The insurance company said they won’t help me since I have a $500 deductible but said I legally have to give them all the information.)

observanteen-

First of all- mazel tov, may you and your chosson be zoche to build a bayis neeman b’yisroel.

I feel for your friend and I wish her the best. My first thought is that maybe Hashem put her in this position just to lead her to her zivug. Perhaps he is in the same position (a great guy from a broken home) and they wouldn’t have met otherwise?

In any event, I don’t like the phrase second rate shidduch. She is created in the Tzelem Elokim and that is first rate!

Also, if you look closely at anyone, there is probably something about them that would make others think of them as inferior. To someone who’s not looking for money; the poverty level of a girl from a poor family will be a non-issue, while to someone looking for money…

The best thing you could do, in my opinion, is to not hide anything from her but don’t mention anything that may make her jealous. (Don’t take off your jewelery when she’s around, but don’t flaunt it in front of her.)

DaasYochid-

It looks like we’re going to have to agree to disagree as to “what extent of the problem is age-gap related, and what extent is from other causes”.

I agree that the “age gap issue” is a significant issue but I still believe that it is not the root of the cause, it’s a byproduct.

If there is a realistic way to get guys to drop their insane demands then that’s good news. If it’s been tried and has been showing some signs of success then I stand corrected and hope it continues. (I’ve been out of shidduchim for many years now so I wouldn’t know either way. Even when I was in shidduchim, my friends and I were not the type to make ridiculous demands.)

Getting rid of the stigma sounds like a great idea, without this I believe that there will always be somewhat of an age gap.

However, the nasty shadchanim and their despicable tactics, have to be brought under control.

Ofcourse-

Unfortunately from the ones my friends and I dealt with this is far from the case.

Regardless of the percentages, the nasty shadchanim make it harder for everyone else (the shadchanim who try to do things the proper way, the guys and the girls).

It came to the point where I refused to take any names that came from a professional shadchan, I relied on friends and neighbors.

Just curious- I see that you married off a daughter, do you have any sons in the parsha or married?

Ofcourse-

There are many issues causing the shidduch crisis, and in my opinion the crisis is causing an age gap which spirals the crisis to catastrophic proportions.

(It has been mentioned by others that even if the crisis was resolved there would still be many single girls that wouldn’t find a husband.)

Let’s categorize those involved in shidduchim into three categories,

1. The males (and parents),

2. The females (and parent),

3. The Shadchanim.

All three, in my opinion, are partially responsible for the situation, although they share different percentages of the blame.

The males- they are partially to blame, but let’s face it, they run the market and as long as things stay the way they are, they have no incentive to change.

The females- it’s much easier, in my opinion, to be a “good girl” than a “good guy”. When these girls reject guys because they feel they deserve better- who says they would be better than the guy that they just rejected had they been a male? Eventually most of them realize what they are deserving of, but by that then lots of precious time has been wasted. Recall from above how the pool of guys gets smaller and smaller for a girl as time goes on but the pool of girls gets larger and larger for a guy as time goes on.

The Shadchanim- I started with them because I feel that they are the biggest problem. Please read my above posts again to see why. If you want some more stories about their outrageous behavior please let me know. A guy has the liberty to tell a shadchan to never call back (not that they listen). Once guys break off communication with a shadchan it is harder for certain girls (particularly the ones who live out-of-town and have no older brothers) to get dates with them.

There was only one professional shadchan I dealt with that acted in a proper manner. When I called her to thank her for being honest, patient and non-aggressive she said, “why would I want to lie? these girls where my students, lying would hurt them and I’d never want them to be hurt”.

If you only suggest shidduchim in a respectful manner then please continue to do so. May Hashem help you succeed.