Forum Replies Created
-
Posts
-
You have me thinking. Always a dangerous thing for me to do. I have a life-coach for a little business I am trying to run. She has saved me more than once from making the wrong move. I do it, even though it’s a tad embarrassing, as I’m no youngster.
What would I do if I had a hard time with the dating scene. Let’s say I was a quiet girl or guy, like you are discussing. There are boatloads of people that don’t perform well on a first date, or on dates in general.
What about a life-coach for dating, to give chizzuk and tips before a date, and constructive criticism after. Any savvy social worker with some good life experience could be helpful. Just the moral support alone could go a long way. I am not planning to hang out a shingle any time soon, but maybe some people should get more into this.
I would do it as a chesed, if anybody thinks I can be of help.
Whaleboy. You make sense, but it’s not as simple as you think. Quiet girls: How about preparing a long list of great topics or start-up questions before a date. Practice with yourself or a friend. Get a pep talk from a supportive friend 10 minutes before the date. A shot of whiskey even. A good hug. Whatever!
A warm smile into his eyes will make him help you.
PostSemGirl. Please don’t assume everything I say is applicable specifically to you. These are just generalizations, and considerations. No one makes all the mistakes. But many people make some mistake(s). Just examine the message, and see if it has meaning for your own particular situation.
I do completely agree with you. There is absolutely nothing fair about the system.
At no time in history was life particularly fair to all the people, all of the time. So we do what we have to do, in order to survive.
If there is any bitterness, it’s very natural. But still try to throw all your trust in Hashem. I have found that when I have overcome my anxiety or negative thoughts, and finally stated to myself and Hashem that I am now fully placing my trust in Him, good things happen. There are no obstacles for Him. He can work with the numbers. And He knows some good guys. But when that good guy shows up at your door, in whatever (reasonable) condition, drag him into the house, lock the door, and get your shotgun. Proceed to escort him to the chupah.
mamarochelcry: For Heaven’s sake !! If you don’t pick up that darn phone and find out if he’s interested, Mama Rochel will have what to cry about!!
Take the leap. You’re a true-hearted and honest girl. He knows that. The worst that will happen is that he will say no. He will not disdain you for having the guts to make the call.
Tell him you were feeling insecure at the time and therefore you pushed him away. You have felt bad about it, and you hope you didn’t hurt him. You have come to some understanding, and would really welcome the chance to try again, if he wants to give you a second chance. Just be real. If he says ‘no’, you will finally lay it to rest, yourself. If he says ‘no’ in a way that let’s you know you hurt him, tell him with some real feeling that you want him to please forgive you for hurting him.
He may wish you the best, and hang up. But then he may find that you are haunting HIS thoughts. You really never know. We are such sensitive creatures. Give life a chance. Mazal and Bracha.
Sorry, Yummy, I thought my message was more clear. I meant that sometimes a girl (unconsciously?) makes comparisons between the guy and her father. There’s no real logic to it, because who said that her father, as a person, would have been the right man for her, if she met him in the street (30 years younger). But there is a very strong inclination to want the guy to measure up to her father’s image. We tend to retain the little girl’s admiration of our fathers. Our mothers could set us straight on all his short-comings, but they let us love our fathers with starry eyes. Probably a good thing. Thanks about the not evil part.
OK,girlchiks. I know you were waiting for me to show up again, so you could lynch me. I couldn’t keep my fans waiting any longer. My goal was to make a point and engender discussion. I got indignation (understandable, but no apologies-I care too much) and improved exposition (thank you).
Ready for the next dose of Dora’s Free Advice (and worth every penny)?
Keep in mind, Yummy, that I work hard at trying to help girls find someone, and I don’t take money. I may have some serious chutzpa, but I am not inherently evil. Honest.
Anyways, I also want to bring your attention to another psychological phenomenon, that is an amazingly frequent impairment to making realistic choices. I bring an example, and say no more.
Me: I know a man your age (33). I know him personally. He has a golden heart, and a girl would have to be a barbarian not to be happy with him. A big mensch.
Girl: What does he do?
Me: Construction work.
Girl: Is he smart. (She’s not particularly a brainy girl BTW)
Me: Average or higher
Girl: I don’t know. (kvech, sigh, kvech). You know, my father is a very smart man.
Me: Isn’t he married?
Thank you SaysMe. You said it better. What you said is what I meant to say.
I mean when someone makes their mind up that it’s do or die, they will open their vistas. Yes, this is exactly what happened with my daughter. She is married to someone who would not have made it into even the outer orbit of her radar years earlier.
Every girl and her mother swears she is looking for ‘only the essential’ attributes or demographic she needs. But 50-60 years ago, when there were limited numbers of frum people to marry in any locality, any viable option was a good option. We are all guilty of a candy store mentality today. I know I’m a hypocrite, as I had my druthers, too, regarding my daughter. We figure there’s always SOMEBODY to go out with. More fish in the sea. Go for broke. Get the deal you want. Don’t ‘settle’. Hog wash.
Happy, I am posting this long after your request. I hope it’s not needed. In that case, let every girl perhaps gain from my message. I married off a daughter at age 27. Believe me, she had every requirement, and is a delightful person. I have been working hard to help others. My son is now in the dating stage, and since he was born into the right gender by a chromosome, there are resumes. I find it really shocking to see that each lovely girl has an agenda that she feels is absolutely reasonable. We are not living in the age of reason !!! Things are out of control !! Only the absolute essentials should figure into the search today.
One savvy older shadchan told me something I immediately recognised as true. The ones who get married are the ones who REALLY want to be married.
Object matrimony, dorim yesharim, grow a beautiful family.
Lower all expectations, and marry a truly good man. Be happy.