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You have to look at the etymology of the words in order to understand the problem.
Overweight is a compound of two words, over and weight.
Over is related to the German word “uber” as a prefix indicates superiority over something.
Weight comes from the German word “gewicht” meaning something that is very important.
Guy comes from either the Old French or Northern Germanic word that means “guide”
In other words, “overweight guy” means a super-important guide. Someone who thinks he knows everything and has to tell everyone what to do.
No one likes that.
The winner:
MediumThinker
Can we have more protim?
What type of neighborhood?
What type of car?
Car color?
Are your children of Asian descent?
Do they eat sushi?
Do you?
Did your wife use plastic that Shabbos?
Are the kids yours?
Are you of an age where you can be put in jail if its illegal in your state?
Are your kids legal residents?
Are your kids of an age where you’d consider paying someone to remove them from your car while you’re gone?
My rebbeim taught me its always important to know the case as best as possible.
My feeling is that as long as there are good midos on both sides, then they’re compatible.
Look, no matter how much effort you put into finding the right one there are always going to be unforeseen differences, and many of them will probably be major. You do your best to limit them as much as you can before you get married, but there will always be something.
What makes the couple compatible is that they are willing to forego their desires and change their ways for the sake of building a bayis ne’eman. As long as that is there any problem is surmountable.
write or wrong:
For me, I came back because after high school I went to a yeshivah in E”Y that I believe provided me with the things I’d craved for so long. Namely, caring and validation in a relaxed framework.
With all the emotional turmoil that has gone on between your son and both his parents, think about the atmosphere that he perceives is there in your house. Maybe he sees it as being very tense and depressing and feels guilty about it because he knows deep inside its his fault, so he tries to avoid that atmosphere as much as possible.
Maybe you can start slow. The next time he is home ask him to sit with you over his favorite cake/cookies or something like that. Tell him that you obviously love him and you know that despite everything going on he really does love you and your family. But with all the turmoil the important thing- a relationship with the son you love has been put under incredible strain. So maybe he would be willing to be home once a week at a certain time to go out with you shopping or eating or whatever where you can just talk about regular things.
I think if you can approach him with this without breaking down but as a friend that you’d like to get to know better, he’ll respond positively. He might not be so consistent every week, but if he does have a cell and you text him a few hours before hand that you’re looking forward/excited to be going to xyz later with him, it might help him in that.
The important thing is to get him to think that you’ve come around to his side. Not because you’re trying to trick him, but because you think the problem has been that you were having trouble seeing him as the adult he is becoming. You believe in him and trust him to find his way and you will support him (not necessarily monetarily where he might take advantage of you, but emotionally), so that he can learn to trust you again.
When you go out, talk to him as though you were talking to your best friend in the whole world. Get excited with him, joke with him again, have fun with him. Reinforce positive feelings as much as you can within the current framework of your relationship so that it can expand. Your son is attracted to no-strings-attached happiness which he is pretending to see by his friends. Show him that its even better by you (without looking like you’re throwing yourself at his feet).
I would suggest you take time out for each of your children individually, to schmooze with them in a relaxed environment. The Tolne Rebbe of Yerushalayim once told me that spending individual time with my children is a very good idea. But it will also prevent your son from thinking you are giving him special treatment that he might feel guilty about.
Another thing is that I wonder what your husband’s reaction to this has been? Does he have difficulty expressing his emotion and lashing out in anger? Is he indifferent? The love of a mother can conquer much, but validity from his idol -your husband- can help tremendously. The question is whether he is capable of providing that.
It’s a hard dance on a thin line of thin ice and my heart is with you on that. But be comforted knowing that the test is indicative of the potential- both in you and in your son. No child can go wrong until the end, with a mother who loves them and is willing to do whatever it takes, like you have done. I am 100% sure that one day he will be giving you hugs and kisses again.
Hey write or wrong, I’ve only read the last two pages of posts, but I think I have the general idea of what’s going on.
I’m already married a few years, but I spent a number of years as a teenager and beyond in what seems to be a similar position as your son. I also left yeshivah, and walked down the path your son is describing to you to its logical conclusion. But B’H I eventually found my way to a better conclusion after that. I think that our backgrounds are different as my path took place in America and the culture of the OTD in America is slightly different, but I’m very familiar with the intense anger and abandon that characterizes many Israeli boys who go off.
The best advice that I can give you is to keep the tears private and show your boy a face of trust, love and most importantly- validation. As a teenager, when my parents were trying to be emotional with me as a means of convincing me to “behave”, I turned myself off to the pain that I really did feel deep inside and got angry at them for making me feel that way.
It’s a delicate balance between not being over-bearing but showing love. But provide him with positive reinforcement for all the little things that he does. Show him that you think he’s an “adult” capable of making his own decisions, something that’s very important to a young teenager.
Just to give you an example:
You said that when you ask him if he wants to eat he yells at you for nudging him.
What is likely happening is that he feels guilty because you are showing that you really do love him so much and he knows he isn’t treating you the same way. But his way of dealing with guilt is to get angry at you for making him feel this way.
Instead, try preparing food for him and letting him know that when he’s hungry you have xyz for him to take whenever he wants.
What you are doing this way is:
-giving him the space he thinks he wants
-showing him that you still love him by preparing his foods
-showing him that you respect him as mature enough to make his own decisions, even though its really something trivial
Another idea that might be effective is to tell him that you love him and that the important thing to you is to ensure a strong relationship with him no matter what, and so you’d like to ________ (take a walk around the block, go out to eat at a restaurant, etc,) once a week with him, where you can just talk about neutral topics. The idea is to talk to him as a confidant, a friend that you trust, not a teary-eyed desperate parent (which hopefully you really are). In this way you can rebuild a relationship with him that will hopefully bring him to a place where he can eventually share his thoughts- when he figures out what they are.
At the end of the day, your son will gravitate towards whoever is providing him with the unconditional trust, love and validation that he so desperately craves- for better or worse. Think about how chinuch professionals bring back so many boys- they love their talmidim but treat them as “adults”. Not by crying over the problems but by establishing connections through common ground. The crying they save for their tefillos.
All this is based on my own experience between the ages of about 13-20. All the things I saw that my parents did wrong to push me away and that conversely my Rebbeim later in life did right to bring me back. I am not yet in your stage of life with grown children, and I can’t begin to put myself in your shoes. But I offer the insight of hindsight. Sorry for its length. I wish much hatzlacha for you and your son.
How about poached pears in a red wine reduction?
popa_bar_abba, I’m sorry but you’re my favorite.
enlightendjew:
I’d like to see those people consent to surgery on their person or a loved one where none of the docs or nurses are wearing masks, gloves, gowns, etc.
You can meet these people yourself. Just walk into any shul that’s having a bris that morning. There you will see a man performing a minor surgery on an infant without masks, gloves, gowns, etc. In fact, the surgeon often has elongated thumb nails to assist in the surgery.
Now what I would like to see, is the neonatal surgery that was performed as many times as the bris milah has in the past few thousand years with the same rate of complications arising from the surgery.
Rav Moshe is Mattir “Cholov HaCompanies”. “We” (as in Klal Yisroel in America) is Noheg like Rav Moshe.
The Bach (and possibly the Rema) is Mattir Chadash in Chul. “We” Pasken like the Bach.
Who is “We”?
Most people that I know in America don’t eat “Cholov HaCompanies” and aren’t Noheg like R’ Moshe.
And the rise in Cholov Yisroel establishments points to a growing trend that way.
Although I don’t know about people eating Chodosh here, I do see Yoshon signs and I understand that it is common knowledge in certain places such as in Lakewood, when Shoprite’s flour becomes Yoshon.
I think what you meant to say is that there is a significant population that eats Cholov Stam and Chodosh in accordance with Halachic opinions, but there is also a significant population who does not in accordance with those who say not to.
(A classic CR thread:)
Topic: Something that half the people will be happy about and the other half will be upset about (17945627 posts)
Person A: Wow that’s amazing!
Person B: How could you think that’s amazing, that’s not what Yiddishkeit is about!!
A: Who are you to judge me? I hold that it is ok and I found a Rabbi that agrees with me!
B: I am not judging you, this thing that you think is ok is not acceptable. Plain and simple.
A: Oh really? I can prove that its muttar: me or someone I respect did/does this thing!
B: Well after 120 I’ll be comfortable in shamayim knowing that even though I may have been oiver on bein adam lchaveiro I still worked on my bein adam lamakom and didn’t hold of that!
A: Well after 120 I’ll be comfortable in shomayim knowing that even though I may have been oiver on bein adam lamakom I still worked on my bein adam lachaveiro and didn’t say what you said!
ad infinitum….
yekke2:
I have some experience in answering these questions. If you or someone you know has any specific questions about points they make feel free to ask the mods for my e-mail address. Otherwise its probably better not to get involved with them.
Maybe except to laugh as you pass them by when you realize their “god” pooped his diapers as a baby.
This halacha was probably very important to the Jews of Yemen under the Orphan’s Decree. By marrying off orphan’s as soon as possible, they were able to save them from forced “conversion” to Islam.
cherrybim:
At age 3, my daughter was banned from a ger shtible because they said although she was all covered up, but her dress was too provocative. Very holy people these gers.
That’s not so outlandish. My R”Y didn’t let girls over the age of three into the beis midrash (which is where we also davened) at all. Why should your daughter be in the men’s section anyway?
cinderella:
I understood that he was saying that people who think there are maalos to wearing a white shirt are foolsih. My point was that the biggest gedolim of our generation all seem to think that there is some beneficial reason to wearing a white shirt and therefore it is incorrect to call those that do, foolish.
147: I’m not really sure where you’re coming from.
far east:
That being said, there will always be foolish people who believe that wearing a white shirt somehow makes you a better person…
i would assume that if these gedolim only wear white shirts, its for a reason they have imposed on themselves and nothing to do with halachah.
I am confused as to your opinion of those people who wear white shirts. Do you think people who wear white shirts are foolish or do you think there are valid reasons to wear it- whether or not you yourself wear one.
Japanese say that sneezing means someone is talking to you… Thankfully we are Jewish and no Japanese.
Birthday present min haTorah minayin?
…? ??? ??? ??? ??? ??? ???? ?????? ??? ????? ?????
Tehillim 2:7-8
That being said, there will always be foolish people who believe that wearing a white shirt somehow makes you a better person… go figure
A list of some foolish people who only wear white shirts:
R’ Elyashiv, R’ Chaim Kanievsky, R’ Nissim Karelitz, R’ Aron Leib Shteinman, R’ Dovid and R’ Avrohom Yehoshua Soloveitchik, R’ Yitzchok Berkowitz, R’ Ezriel and R’ Shmuel Auerbach, R’ Shmuel Wosner, R’ Chaim Pinchas Scheinberg,
R’ Yisroel Belsky, R’ Reuven and R’ Dovid Feinstein, R’ Malkeil Kotler, R’ Yerucham Olshin, R’ Dovid Schustal, R’ Yisroel Nueman, R’ Ahron Schechter, R’ Avrohom Schorr, R’ Shlomo Brevda
Not to mention all the present Chassidishe Rebbes.
You shouldn’t hold it against them though. They are obviously not as wise as you.
I believe necromancy is assur mid’oraisa.
Supposedly this guy is open-minded and doesn’t intend to follow these chumros, whatever they are.
What does open-mindedness have to do with not following the chumros of one’s sect? Open-minded means a Klausenberger willing to open up a Divrei Yoel. I think the correct term here though is poresh min hatzibbur.
BTW: The title is supposed to read: “Drunk as a blazing skunk”.
I think most of us had more difficulty reading the first word of the title than the last while we were drunk.
Drink a blazing skunk?
Drank a blazing skunk?
What? Why?
This is discussed in the sefer “Sifsei Chaim”. He explains that each has their ma’alos and chesronos.
??? ????? ???? ???? ???????? ????? ??? ????? ????? ?? ????? ??? ???? ??…?????? ??? ????? ????? ?????? …????? ?????
I don’t understand what -assuming there is no pikuach nefesh or work uniform- possible reason there might be to not wear dark pants, white shirt, jacket and a hat once one has left a Torah learning institution. Do you stop being a ben-Torah after you’ve left Yeshivah?
Supposedly the Imahos used to say tehillim while getting man/peds. Personally I don’t see it, what about you?
It takes some time for it to grow out enough. Also if you don’t have straight hair, its not going to be straight.
Litvishe Chareidim are called “Yeshivish”,as well asl those with Chassidishe backgrounds who grew up in Litvishe Yeshivos.
Litvishe Charedim can be and probably are in Bikur Cholim.
I’m not sure the point was that only Chareidim work in these organizations. Rather I think the point of the OP was to combat the negative impact that a few crazy Chareidim have had in the media by pointing out that Charedim are responsible for some of the largest chessed organizations.
What is the maaleh of going to a mekubal specifically?
If you’re looking for a mofes then go to someone who’s known to be a ba’al mofes.
If you’re just looking for a bracha, then go to any tzaddik.
If you’re looking for an eitzah, then go to a rav who’s known to be a ba’al eitzah.
BaalHabooze and Wolf:
It seems that I wasn’t clear in what I said. I was trying to say that whether what he did was right or wrong, the feeling in my opinion is right. That doesn’t mean that he may be allowed to act on that feeling halachically. But I think it shows (assuming he didn’t do it for the publicity) that his heart is in the right place.
To give another example, I once heard it asked how one could want moshiach to come. Once he comes we can’t grow anymore, who would want to lose out on 30 or 40 years of opportunity to grow? In this case also, the heart is in the right place- the person wants to continue to grow- but l’maseh we are required to be metzapim l’yeshua.
Again, I’m not saying that what he did was ok because his heart was in the right place. I’m not a gadol baTorah to make such a decision whether he did was ok or not. But I do think that his heart is in the right place.
Being comfortable.
Whether the story is completely true or partly true or not true at all-
Whether one can or can’t do this thing-
Whether there are gedolim that would approve of this man’s “contribution”-
I think that the fact that someone appreciates the importance of a gadol hador’s contribution to the entire klal as being greater than his own protiyus is an incredible maalah. In shamayim it might not be true, but to judge from what we know here, I can’t understand how one could not sympathize with this man’s feelings.
Litvaks serve the Shulchan Aruch. Chasidim serve G-d.
chaasidim fear Hashem and litvaks fear the Shulchan Aruch
Although these lines from the first glance seem like they are mocking Litvaks, I think it sounds like he is just reiterating one of the original machlokesin between litvaks and chassidim. Namely if “lishma” means “lishem HaShem” or “lishem HaTorah”.
ctrl alt del:
Although I respect your “G-d given” right to an opinion, I have to say, yours is the scariest post I’ve seen here in a long time. Unless I am misunderstanding,you are suggesting that Tannaim and Amoraim all the way down through the ages until today fabricated (read: lied) an entire body of literature called kabballah that is beyond the ability of the “average schlep” to understand. Then they enacted various decrees against it being taught to the “average schlep” (ie., only to one student at a time, he has to be wise, only the main topics, only after having satiated himself on shas and poskim etc).
All of this would serve to keep that same “average schlep” frum. Did I misunderstand you somehow?
IUB: I think these days a stam Rav Chaim is Rav Chaim Kanievsky.
AC: That story is about Rav Akiva Eiger.
catoresq: The problem with history is that its in the past. We aren’t capable of going back and verifying the event. That doesn’t mean that all of history is a myth. But I can testify about my story since it happened to me.
Ldidi hava uvda:
Once upon a time there was a bochur who would run a high fever every month from 101 up to 104 for 3-5 days. This happened for a few years. He went to doctors, he went to specialists, clinics and tests. But all they could determine was that he was fighting off something somewhere. Blood tests, gallium scans, minor surgery all to no avail.
B’chasdei shomayim he was able to lessen the frequency of these fevers for over a year, through a seemingly unrelated diet suggested by a talmid chacham- enough to be able to get married. But a month after his chasunah they returned. So he went to Rav Chaim and told him the story. Rav Chaim said, “You just got married? Then you don’t have to worry about it anymore.” And he never got it again.
feif un:
If someone wants to live life following Satmar standards, fine, go ahead. It doesn’t bother me. But don’t expect my wife to dress to your standards, with 3 different layers buttoned up to her chin, bullet-proof tights with seams every inch, with a shaved head and a shpitzel, while walking down a public street. You have no right to make others dress that way on a public street.
There are three problems that I have with this comment:
1. The idiom “live and let live” is not a Jewish concept. We have hisarvus to each other, the mitzvah of tochacha that precludes the ability of a Jew to act on this maxim. Whether you agree or disagree with whether you need to improve you tzniyus standard, I’m not sure that any Jew should maintain this principle.
2. The language that you use when describing a Satmar woman’s dress, suggests to me that, as much as you don’t appreciate being degraded by implication that you (or your wife) are not tzniyus, you have no such ambivalence when it comes to degrading their mode of dress (ie. bullet-proof tights).
3. I have often heard this word being touted as the end-all for arguments but I have difficulty understanding how “having a right” to do something implies that you are doing the “right thing” by exercising it. Although they are the same word in English, they do not mean the same thing. If I see a Jew doing something wrong in public I think I am obligated to correct him. You may disagree with how someone undertakes that obligation and even if this obligation is present in a given case. But I’m not sure you can say that a person acting under this obligation is doing the objectively wrong thing.
I understand why you may have singled-out Satmar as I’ve experienced some odd comments from some Satmar chassidim myself. But I think it is just an annoying side effect of something essentially positive.
and disconnecting itself from the outside world (Reality)
:????? ????? ???? ????
“and connecting to the ruchniyusdig world (Reality) and disconnecting itself from the outside world (Illusion)”
I don’t recall where I saw it, but I recall seeing in a sefer somewhere that kissing connects the person(‘s neshamah?) to the thing he is kissing. Kissing the hand in particular probably is more kovodig than kissing a cheek.
The Yavetz also brings down to kiss one’s mothers hand upon arriving home from shul friday night.
Aside from the piece in the sefer by Rav Chaim Kanievsky, I have also heard that he said that all the things that are kashe l’shikcha are worse for people with bad memories and all the things that are mo’il lizakaron work better for people with good memories. Or something like that.
The gemarah (AZ 40b), Yerushalmi (AZ 3:1), Zohar (Vayikra 10a)Midrash Rabbah (bamidbar 13:16) all maintain that the earth is round.
And,a related question – are the Yerushalimi groups like Toldos Aharon and Toldos Avraham Yitzchak considered Chasidic?
Those 2 groups happen to be chassidic. They both split from Shomrei Emunim. They would be Yerushalmi Chassidim. However, there are also
“Litvishe” Yerushalmis that are called Perushim. The original Perushim were talmidim of the Vilna Gaon who moved to E”Y.
I don’t understand what the big deal is. Everyone knows Rav Kook was a big talmid chacham and an illuy. All of us together don’t equal a fraction of his yidiyas haTorah.
All the stories of Rav Kook’s interaction with the other gedolim are just that, stories. Not that they are not true, but that they don’t give indication of what the gedolim held of his shitos just of how they treated him.
The fact is that we don’t hold of his deyos and shitos. There is practically unanimous and uniform nonacceptance of his shitos- and this is not arbitrary it is the shitah of chareidi gedolim in certain areas Rav Kook is not a man d’amar.
That doesn’t mean he’s not a talmid chacham. But it means that his shitah in zionism is completely irrelevant for those of us who follow chareidi gedolim.
I am in a position that is not quite the same but very similar, in that I watch family and friends having more and more children while its been a number of years and so far I only have one. I spoke to my Rosh Kollel about it once in passing, He also only has two children. He told me that the most important thing is not to obsess about it.
I try to think: I have what I am supposed to have and nothing can change that. Instead I try to focus on what I have and give my extra time and effort that would have been divided to what I do have.
I hear that in BJJ the learning is so advanced that the girls sit and learn and the husbands go work.
I’m with yitaynig on this one. I never understood what the mekor was for this “or lagaoyim means I need to go out and do something”. From the pesukim it says that Hashem will make us an or lagoyim. We aren’t doing it, He is.
zahavasdad: It’s right there in Devarim 17:10-11. It doesn’t specify the bus per se, but the inference is extremely clear.
g_a_w: As I mentioned at least twice, my stance was posed against those who b’shita do not support kollelim. that doesn’t seem to be the case by your explanation.
IS: So you’re saying, the most important thing is that a person be productive, if not in learning than at work. And you are right, according to the Maharsha’s interpretation of the gemarah in Kesubos mentioned above, “???? ?????” is someone who can learn but instead loafs around all day.
What I am saying is that the most important thing is that a person should be learning, if not at kollel then at work and if not even at work then at least at kollel.
The point was that at least in kollel they are learning a little bit, which is more than they might otherwise have been learning. And every little bit of Torah is important for the person and the klal.
The truth is, that even regardless of all that, why should we lose the people who are serious about learning and do put their hours in? Isn’t that biting my nose to spite my face?
IS:
I’m not talking about someone who is mature and takes his learning seriously, learning according to what he is able.
In the kollelim that I have been to, the ones that aren’t sitting and learning are the ones that don’t take learning seriously. Yes, some of them will mature with age. But I think where it is clear that someone in kollel will learn at least a little bit and not clear that leaving the kollel will cause someone to learn it is preferable to go with what is sure.
Mature people who do take learning seriously but can’t put in the hours on a daily basis, are already not sitting in kollel all day (v’horaya you and your chavrusas), which makes them irrelevant to this discussion.
Sam2: According to the Maharsha, you’re understanding of “?? ???? ?????” is a reason for HKBH to rejoice.
Rather he explains that it means someone who can’t learn Torah because he is occupied with other things.
The Iyun Yaakov (in the Ein Yaakov) explains it a different way. He says it means an ?? ???? who is not able to learn but does it anyway and ends up learning with many mistakes is also called bitul Torah.
But I agree that someone who sees in himself that he is not suited for sitting and learning straight for hours is better off working to support mosdos of Torah and being kovei’ah the amount of time they are able to learn straight for Torah.
But the reality is that many of the people who stand around in the coffee room shmoozing all day may unfortunately not be the type to set aside those times. While in kollel they will certainly learn something.
The point is that in kollel you have two types, those who want to learn and those who don’t (I don’t mean that on a subconcious level even the ones who don’t want to learn don’t wish they did, ??? ????- ????? ??????). The ones who want to learn deserve to be supported because they are learning. The ones who don’t want to learn need to be in kollel all the more so that they learn at least something.
Feif un: Do you think the person who stands in the coffee room all day is likely to bother with a shiur when there’s no pressure (social or otherwise) on him to attend? I am sure you have seen what happens to some people very shortly after leaving a beis midrash environment. And if you haven’t, be happy, because it is very very sad to see.
squeak: I agree that the person I describe is clearly not doing what Hashem wants for 23.5 hours a day. But because of our support he will at least be doing what Hashem wants for .5 hours a day- and not just anything, but limud haTorah. What bigger zchus can you find than putting causing someone who otherwise might not learn at all in a position where he is learning at least a little.
Also, I’m sure you will agree that we won’t make a decision based on our natures but rather on what will elevate us above it.