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Come on Wolf, you know that your comment was just an appeal to ridicule and didn’t actually counter the main point I was trying to say.
SJS:
No, because the men surrounding me are also learning and maintaining the world around us.
Sustaining the world is a joint effort. If a person comes out of surgery r”l does he only pay the guy who held the clamps or the guy who holds the sucking tube? We do not know who’s Torah is responsible for what each thing we have in the world. Besides for that if the men around you are working 9-5 to support their families, who is keeping the world up during those work hours?
It wasn’t enmasse the way it is today.
The tone here suggests that you think it is worse when more people are learning?
I do not know how it works in America but if you are saying that people are supported without the need for tzeddaka then what point are you trying to make?
I’ve basically stopped donating my money to organizations that perpetuate lifestyles that need charity.
As Mod. 80 said in another thread “a person needs zchus for the Rabbano Shel Olam to allow him to support Torah learning”
(sorry mod hope I don’t get you in trouble)
How do you plan to pay for your daughters apartment?
Well, I’m kind of hoping that this will pass by then. But either way, I’ve already asked the Tolna Rebbe if I could start putting money away for shidduchim and he said no, I need to have bitachon that I will get the money when I need it.
When you say that you “do admit that this is the ‘New Israeli Chareidi Hashkafa'” are you referring to my quote from the Chofetz Chaim? I don’t understand how that would make it a ‘new’ hashkafa.
In fact considering all the European Yeshivos used to go collecting all over Europe and America, I’m not sure I understand where you are coming from at all. I’m not even sure why you call it ‘nowadays’ and ‘Israeli’ when Lakewood has had a kollel for years.
The most that you can say is that kollelim have spread over the last generation and I fail to see how that is a bad thing. Do we not both agree that Talmud Torah k’neged Kulam and that the Limud Torah that takes place is responsible for most of the good things that we have today?
I’d also like to address your suggestion that I maintain a “‘magiyah li’ attitude”. As I previously stated, I’m not supported by anyone, have not been for a number of years. I think that what you are calling ‘magiyah li’ I am calling “magiyah l’lomdei Torah”. I think it is the job of all of klal Yisroel to support Lomdei Torah and I think for the most part those of us that are learning recognize it.
True story: I had some extra money not a lot but a nice sum for E”Y and arranged a roundabout way for it to make its way to a friend of mine who was having a lot of trouble getting Shabbos food together on a weekly basis. (Yes, I also feel it is my job to help support Lomdei Torah.) This friend in turn turned down the money and instead passed it on to another friend who he felt was in an even worse position than himself.
I think this story illustrates that it is not a ‘magiya li’ attitude that we have but that we understand that we are all responsible in helping support Torah any way we can. For some of us this means learning it, for others that means supporting it but everyone has to be a part of it to the extent of their abilities.
You are right. No one can sit around at home all day expecting money to come in. But we are not talking about sitting around all day. We are talking about people that are doing avodas hakodesh, the most important occupation in the universe.
You would pay your doctor for a checkup, but you wouldn’t pay someone who is sitting and learning for maintaining the world around you?
If this keeps up the father is going to be batul b’shishim soon.
The title of the thread suggests that people are lying.
AH. This question is very apropos as Tu B’Shevat is coming up. I think if you spend more than 40 NIS a kilo (~$5/lb), you probably overpaid. But I’ll be honest, I don’t really remember what normative prices are this time of the year. It could be a lot less. Or more. Everybody is getting dates this month.
Now I’m confused. If Mendy’s is on 34th what does this have to do with Essex? That’s on Coney Island.
I can’t believe essex closed down, they had the best stuff. I will always remember you my sandwich. Yes, you will always have a special place near my heart…about 6 inches below it.
I certainly agree with you that feelings of resentment can occur if the father/in-law feels there is a stronger learner that might need the money more besides for his own son/in-law, but what can you do- aniyei ircha kodmin.
I think points 1 and 4 are the same, namely that there is only room to talk if the parents can afford it or willing to make sacrifices in order to do it.
Point 2 is just saying that most parents aren’t ba’alei nefesh that they can see the larger picture that at the end of the day their children are learning despite a bad attitude. But I think that is normal.
3 is similar to 2 in that if the child is learning SOMETHING he is already getting more schar for himself and doing good for the rest of the world than had he been doing nothing. But if he spends first AND second seder in the Coffee Room, then yeah.
5 I am not sure I can agree the whole way. A boy has the right to want to sit and learn. The onus is on the girl’s father to marry his daughter to a talmid chacham (pesachim 49a). The predominance of talmidei chachamim among people who want to remain in learning is much higher than among those that don’t. The gemorah says a person should sell everything he has for this.
That being said, I’m also sticking myself in a hole as my first is a girl and in E”Y you have to buy apartments if you want your girls to get married.
I assume that it was by chance that you happened to quote me and not gavra_at_work, who quoted it to me. Or Rav Moshe Wolfson who was the one quoted.
What is mendy’s?
I remember when I lived in Flatbush, Essex would give you these 6 inch tall sandwiches with about an inch of bread and the rest all meat. I think it was called the Einstein or something where you can choose any two meats. They knew how a deli sandwich was supposed to be.
Did it close down???
whatrutalkabt:
I’m not sure if you were trying to clarify something because all you did is make me more confused.
Describing a sheitel as edible doesn’t make any sense and I don’t understand why describing a shirt as juicy makes sense.
I’m with cedarhurst and LAer, I don’t get how the posts on this thread are following an intelligent conversation.
Apartments in Boro Park have names?
It is not the joke itself that offends me, in fact I think it is funny as far as jokes go. It is from where this joke comes from that bothers me.
As I said before, the context that you had first stated this joke seemed to me as though you were referring to the fact that many kolleleit are supported/semi-supported by their parents. As I tried to show from my first post, I believe this is atzus hayetzer in order to desensitize parents from wanting to support their children as they do toil in the mitzvh that is k’neged kulam. It will be hard to deny that this is an effect of that joke as I happen to know this joke was told went around his shul among the fathers that have sons/in-laws that are learning.
I am not trying to one-up you in “who lives more frugally”, because frankly it doesn’t matter. I only mentioned those things because the tone of your previous post suggested that maybe I am not aware what it is like to live with difficulty.
I happen to be on in the CR more then normal these past few days because I have the flu, but that is neither here nor there.
Boruch Hashem, although we were receiving help from both our parents the first year, it has been a number of years since then. My wife works and between that, kollel and the lower overhead in E”Y we are usually able to make ends meet. In addition, none of my brothers are married yet, although they are in the parsha.
My point here though was not to discuss my personal issues with this joke, but what I perceive as opposing Torahdig values.
To quote myself:
Yes, I understand that there is some naivety with some bochurim who misjudge their level of bitachon thinking that they do not have to make any sort of plans before they enter marriage.
And maybe that was the original source of this joke. But it seems to be circulating just as much among parents who do support kolleleit.
I would suggest that perhaps it is an outlook that delegitimizes kollel learning because it is perceived as akin to begging or schnorering, that breeds resentment and anger. But this is not true. Hashem built this system into klal Yisroel. Shevet Levi and shevet Yissachar all were forced to rely on other people for their parnassah because they were the entrusted with perpetuating the Torah. They were the Lomdei and M’Lamdei Torah (in general) and the rest of us were the Machzikei Torah (again, in general). We gave terumos and maseros. Zevulun took care of Yissachar. Nowadays, it is the yeshivaleit and kolleleit who have this job.
So again, my issue is not with the joke itself per se, but how I feel it has been used to desensitize parents to the greatness of the mitzvah that they are performing.
people think I’m a girl?
1. Yissurin is when I put my hand into my pocket to take out three coins but only two came out.
2. Absolutely. Some of it began even before I had gotten married. And although I think I seem to be suffering less than some of my friends, there are others that seem to be suffering less than me. Even those things that are yisurin from wanting to live in E”Y are also included for me because the reason why I chose to live here is because it is more conducive to my learning.
3. If this is your comment than I suspect you missed the gist of the point I was trying to convey.
In addition, even if the son-in-law would be willing to live on bread and water himself, he cannot force this on his wife nor is it healthy to force this on his children and so his only choice to be be mashlich al Hashem yehavo.
4. I do not live in Yerushalayim now, but when I did during shana rishonah I lived in a box the size of your living room. My neighbor two doors down had one window near his door, one sink, 1 bedroom- with 2 kids. Someone I know living their now wasn’t even graced with a bedroom door, instead he uses a sheet to cover the doorway that splits his salon from his bedroom. If you get too hot while you are lounging on the “luxurious” two seater that he somehow fit, his freezer in arms reach where you might find an ice pop. I can go on.
I happen to know that any one of these people could go back to their countries of origin at any time. They are not tzionim. They only remain here because they are seeing more hatzlacha in their learning.
Please read my first post again to better understand the point I was trying to make about that joke.
Also, maybe shaitels have a din of tashmishei mitzvah so they would have some sort of kedusha. maybe.
Just a guess, but perhaps she was taking a class on ‘Eishes Chayil’ as in the last perek in misheli?
1. Rosh Chodesh Shevat resolution: No more 3 page posts.
2. Someone needs to format GS into a book and get it published.
A lot of people I know don’t go to kimpeturin homes until after the 3rd child. But I guess it depends on what you can afford and if you can find babysitting for the rest.
I’m with eclipse on this one. Before we discuss whether there was chutzpah involved in the article we need to figure out why calling hair “edible” makes sense.
Assuming I’m not a quivering lump of flesh trembling in fear on the ground, I’d probably be asking him to daven for me and eitzos for me and mine to grow.
eclipse:
minhag avosai b’yodai
You may be surprised to (or not surprised if you would see the other things they eat) but I’ve seen people here buying it all the time. granted I don’t know if they are planning on eating it or using it to carve diamonds out of the mines. But still…
From your comment in the other thread I understand that you would say that Chofetz Chaim also had the “new school of charedi thought” opinion.
First of all, I’m not sure if you meant it this way, but in context I understood your joke to be referring to people who would like to be supported by their parents /in-laws for a few years (assuming, obviously, that they can afford it) while they sit in kollel.
I’m not coming to disagree with Rav Wolfson. In fact, both myself and my friends can testify that we are not living anything like doctors. But we know Torah is one of the three things that was given b’yisurin (Berachos 5a) and besides for yichidei segulah, this is the only way to do it.
The Chofetz Chaim (Chofetz Chaim al haTorah by the brachos of Yissachar and Zevulun in Vayichi and others)writes that together the Machzikei Torah and the Lomdei Torah are called the Amudei Olam because it is only through the combined effort of both Yissachar and Zevulun that Torah can be learned.
In Pekudei he writes that the yetzer hora saw that he couldn’t stop the Lomdei Torah he turned to the ba’alei batim and there he was matzliach because they do not know how great the chiyuv is to support Torah. In a footnote he brings the Zohar as explaining that this is what is meant when the sar of Esav hit Yaakov’s thigh, the thigh supports the body just like the machzikei Torah support the Lomdim.
Jokes like these support this vort of the Chofetz Chaim. Yes, I understand that there is some naivety with some bochurim who misjudge their level of bitachon thinking that they do not have to make any sort of plans before they enter marriage.
But this joke is very popular among parents whose children sit and learn. From the parents’ aspect these jokes teach that there is no reason for parents or in-laws to support their children -as much as they are able- in order that they can learn. They help to undermine the gadlus of being mechazek Lomdei Torah in people’s eyes and especially the eyes of the parents themselves.
So I ask you again. Where does this joke extol the greatness of Machzikei Torah?
Along the same lines of the title:
Whenever one of my parents call they either ask about their grandchildren straight off the bat or ask how I am as a heicha timtzah to ask how their grandchildren are doing.
I remember a time when I used to be the most important thing in their lives, now I am nothing more than a grandchild producing machine relegated to the sidelines until the next delivery when I will be given a quick mazal tov and then summarily ignored for the reminder of their stay.
I will at least try to always ignore my children this way they won’t feel bad when I do it for my own grandchildren. Also, in concession to the title of the thread, I will never ask them how they are doing, so that they won’t get used to it and feel bad when I won’t care anymore at the birth of their firsts.
Reminds me of the SIL joke with the prospective SIL saying G-d will help, and the FIL saying “see, he already calls me G-d” 🙂
My father loves that joke. I think its the most disgusting joke a jew ever made. All it does is numb the hearts of parents through leitzanos and causes a person to forget that there is a Mashgiach in this world.
Where does the idea that a person’s parnassah is nigzar from the begining of the year fit into that joke? Where does that joke extol the mitzvah of supporting Torah?
Instead it teaches a person that it is through kochi v’etzem yadi that I get my parnassah and then I should have to give MY hard earned money to X who would rather sit around all day reading books.
Did Zevulun tell this joke to Yissachar?
Finally, as I posted before, this is an old time machlokes HaPoskim.
I’m not sure I catch your point or its relevance.
My only argument is that one needs to consult today’s Rabbonim. The commandment to listen to Talmidei Chachomim applies to all generations and one cannot say “well he isn’t as great as the last generation’s gedolim.”
And what I said just added a parameter to what you said, which was that you need to consult YOUR OWN gedolim and not apply what, for instance, Rav Kook or Rabbi Lichtenstein says to people who do not hold of them as gedolim (ie. leaders).
So you can bring all the proofs you want, but at the end of the day you need to ask your Rav…Really each case needs to be taken separately.
This is a point I believe I reiterated a few times.
I wish everybody parnassah tova v’chol tzarcheinu so that we can all be yagiah yomum v’lailah and be marbim Shalo-m ba’olam.
To be a “No True Scotsman” fallacy the last line would have had to have been something like “No true dinim take precedence over halacha”
I would say its “Begging the Question (petitio principii)”, because the second point is only true if you assume the first point is true.
If you are asking for a halachic answer, I have no idea. If you are asking for the purpose of discussion I would say that dinei d’malchusa dina is by dinei momones, so maybe not.
Sac:
Do you let friendship get in the way of your marriage?
I don’t understand though. Do you have to discuss every single shidduch prospect with every single friend? Just don’t tell her who he is: If it doesn’t work out she’ll never know and no one will feel bad. If it does work out then I think marriage takes priority over friendship.
We have it by night and day with chrain.
On a train in the rain?
iyhbyu:
There is no “generally” that you claim is assur.
I’m sorry, I meant according to the hashkafa that we were taught.
“You might think you know what it’s saying but you might not. and I’d like you to show me where TMB said that.
If you would scroll up 27 posts above yours, you will find what I was referring to. In addition you can find mod 80. stating Rav Avigdor Miller’s opinion on page 1, as well as a number of other similar stories from like minded gedolim (that I hesitate to add because I can’t verify them) in these 2 pages.
Are you saying that your wife went to college, but her job doesn’t require the education or that she didn’t actually go to college?
When we went to Rav Chaim Kanievsky about parnassah when we first got married the only advanced studies option available to her was an all girls-Dati Leumi place which he said she could not attend. Since the charedi institutions are only in Hebrew and my wife isn’t fluent enough this option was ruled out, so no.
But one more thing-do you pay full tuition?
I live in E”Y so tuition is negligeble.
If so you are very lucky and I hope that it continues. But please realize your case is very rare.
Thank you. It is not as rare as you think. I have a number of friends in the same position as me and I don’t get around much.
Because if you don’t than you … have no right to question the decision’s of those who do.
My feeling here is that you are getting unnecessarily defensive over a perceived threat that is non-existent. I am not questioning anyone decisions, I am stating the hashkafa that I was taught.
Why is in that no one in this DISCUSSION thread, has said “Oh, I saw that Rav Moshe but I understood it as such and such”, or “While I did see that Rav Shach, Rabbi Schachter takes a ‘lighter’ stance on YU”?
More than half of TMB’s posts on this page have been paraphrased out of sources that he brings. NO ONE HAS REFUTED A SINGLE ONE OF THESE SOURCES, instead you speak as though you are arguing with TMB.
Why don’t I hear anyone saying “Well if Rav Shach holds that YU is so bad than I’m not giving any money to Ponovicz”, “If Rav Boruch Ber and Rav Chaim Brisker think that Universities are asur because they are full of apikorsus, well ‘that’s just wrong'”.
showerzinger:
I suggest that you go through all the posts again because I don’t think anyone disagrees with what you are saying.
SJSinNYC:
As I’ve already said I live in E”Y where Yeshivah is significantly cheaper. In addition I’ve been to the Tolne Rebbe to ask whether I should be putting money away for later in life when my expenses will be higher (such as weddings) and he told me that bitachon requires that I do not worry about these things so far in advance.
It’s nice that we have the “Bein Adom L’Chaveiro” thread and then this one. It shows that we have a problem but at least we recognize it.
Maybe because they want to ignite the phosphorus of matrimony.
wolf
I have to be mattir neder if I want to eat my fish with horseradish one week (since I normally do so without)?
You don’t have to be matir neder to start eating with chrein but if you do it for three meals in a row then you’ll have a problem if you want to stop because of maylin b’kedusha v’ein moridin.
Also remember that you don’t have to buy the most expensive condiments, hidur mitzvah is only up to a shlish miligav, vahamachmir al atzmo tovo olov bracha.
Also, does caviar have the din of fish? I would say maybe its like regular eggs but I can’t imagine eating caviar with meat.
mikehall:
Considering you are the one that started this DISCUSSION thread in which it seems you were attempting to prove that university is an important element of Jewish live (R’ Keleman’s son wouldn’t have been able to survive without it), you are getting awfully spiteful and vicious of other people’s views.
TMB’s opinion is a direct reflection of the sources that he has provided to you. I wonder how much of your attacks you are reflecting onto TMB when you really mean to be upset at Rav Baruch Ber and Rav Elchonon and everyone else he mentioned. Are you upset that he follows the opinion of gedolei hador?
In addition as Mod-80 has pointed out, you need a zchus to be allowed to support Torah learning. Hashem doesn’t need your money to go to Torah- you do. Hashem can get money from other people, you are only losing out on the zchusim yourself.
All myself and I think TMB has said so far is that: yes, university is assur in general. There is a good reason for this too, even among the Jewish institutions. But it is not our views that are being argued it is the views of our gedolim, the previous generations gedolim…
Why do you call TMB “hollier than thou” and not Rav Chaim Soloveitchik? Why do you say that “If it is not your way it is wrong-and that is very very wrong”? Do you not believe the same thing about conservative and reform? What differentiates all of us in that respect if we are all just following our rabbis’ interpretation of the Torah?
There is only one thing- our mesorah. And so throughout history whenever someone has departed from the mesorah that we have they become controversial at best. This is the way we have preserved our mesorah. This is the way it is now, this is the way it was in Europe, I daresay this is the way it was during the second Beis HaMikdash.
You can argue that your mesorah is the correct mesorah. That is fine. But that doesn’t patir us from trying to protect what we believe is the mesorah. That applies to university, that applies to zionism, that applies to chalav stam, that applies to the gedarim of tznius that we have taken on ourselves, and all the other things that we may disagree on. If these things bother you, then you shouldn’t have created this thread. Otherwise, it is not right of you to get so vicious when someone offers a stance that is counter to your own especially when he brings good sources to account for his views.
Why do you flaunt your ignorance?
not my problem
These are wonderful refutations and explanations on your stance.
And during his lifetime, Jews did attend university (mostly in Italy) and he did not object.
You will call this flaunting my ignorance, but can you point me to where he that he states that he had no objection?
R’Lichtenstein is in many ways much more traditional than Rav Kook, particularly in his approach to Zionism.
Since I don’t know Rabbi Lichtenstein I will assume that he is as controversial a figure as R’ Kook is.
However, it’s frankly just insulting and demeaning when I go to college under the tutelage of daas torah, and someone comes along and says that it is assur.
I think TMB brought a source that said on an individual basis it may even be a mitzvah, so I’m not sure why you are taking anything he said as a personal attack on you.
For the record:
I go to kollel, my wife works, in a job that does not require a college education our parents aren’t supporting us and I have children.
I am not trying to assur university. Maybe you are mixing up my posts with other people’s posts. I think the most I’ve done was refer to Rav Chaim and Rav Elchonon that were brought above by TMB.
None of your rishonim asured university — nor any acharon prior to the 19th century.
Allow me to quote tmb again:
(c) To learn secular studies on a regular basis is prohibited, as per the Rama 246:4
I could list hundreds more if you want.
You seemed to accorded these two ‘gadol’ status. And I made my comparison from there. Unless you call every rabbi a gadol…
Rabbis in Western Europe and Italy were also attending university. And some of the rabbis I mentioned were actually from Eastern Europe like Rav Herzog, Rav Soloveitchik, and the Lubavicher Rebbe.
I cannot comment on Western European Rabbis as I do not know if I am familiar with any. I think it is significant that all three rabbis you bring from Eastern Europe are controversial figures in the eyes of a significant portion of the charedi public.
My point has been the same this entire time. There were a number of posts attempting to ‘prove’ that university education is or should be ideal even to the charedi public as there were a number of Rabbis that attended university. I have only been trying to say that many of these Rabbis are controversial figures to many charedim and shouldn’t be used as a proof. Of the remaining, these may be individual cases where university was the best possible solution.
In addition, if you are worried that if everyone sits and learns all day that we will not be able to survive as a society allow me to point you in the direction of Sanhedrin 94B to what Chizkiyahu did and what is said about his generation. If everyone was sitting in the Beis HaMedrish on pain of death- who was taking care of the sick? And if you say that everyone was a talmid chacham but they were also doctors. I would answer that – how did they get past the sword by the door of the beis medrish on their way out to university?
You are right. As long as we are still attending university, we will still need doctors and engineers, but once we all put ourselves back in the beis medrish, we won’t need them anymore. This is the famous vort on vayikra 26:23-24 “v’halachtem imi keri, v’halachti af ani imachem b’keri”.
p_b_a:
i think it has to do with the mizrachi movement
Looks like my 20 page post didn’t make it past the editing room.
In any case, the point is that you can’t use a minority example to make a rule, because they may be the exception to opposing rule.
This applies to virtually every example that you’ve brought so far. Two Rishonim opposite the many I brought.
Two Rabbis from YU opposite the tens from Mir, Lakewood, etc.
Two German Rabbonim trying to stem the tide of assimilation opposite most of the rest of the European Rabbonim.
One Rav Feur opposite hundreds of kollelim in E”Y that don’t do like him.
that was a rebbishe answer. I laughed.
usbaers
i fell for it
There was a book out a few years ago in Hebrew about the Hebrew language that my old landlord read. He said something along the lines that ben-yehudah was trying to open up some maskilim schools in the old neighborhoods. But because everyone knew he was a maskil they never got off the ground and eventually he had to move on. So instead he went to the sefardim and since they didn’t know him he had better luck with them. So when he was making the language he went with their havara.
I can’t vouch for any of this. I did see the book being sold in a few shuls in the neighborhood but I never read it myself.
The Aramaic that we are talking about is only one dialect of Aramaic…the Jewish version of it.
Same for Spanish (Ladino), German (Yiddish)and Arabic (just called Judeo-Arabic I think).
To me it seems like we have a history of taking the main spoken languages of where we are and be megayer them.
I. Do not repeat yourself
J. Do not repeat yourself
For examples of this refer to E and F or E and G.
Pashuteh Yid:
there is a sefer that discusses the cures mentioned in chazal. I believe we are not allowed to do any of the cures mentioned in the gemarah (except for the ones that are boduk um’nuseh) because if/when they don’t work it will cause a person to have sfeikos. Generally I think we say mishaneh hatevah, though.
Flatbush!!!
havesomeseichel:
I don’t know who Rabbi Avi Weiss is but with regards to R’ Meir- perhaps the distinction lies in the fact that R’ Meir probably came equipped with his own penknife (read: da’as Torah)and was able to trim the fat before serving it to us.
oomis:
You are calling having both a Torah and secular education ‘the best of both worlds’. That is in-line with your hashkafa of ‘Torah u’Mada’. For us though there is only one world and that is Torah. You cannot compare someone who stays in the Beis Medrish from 7:30 am to 10:30 pm (except for meals etc) to someone who stays in the Beis Medrish from 7:30 am to 7:30 pm and then goes to university for 3 hours. It might be necessary for some people- but it is being done at the expense of the Torah.
I have been careful to distinguish between a talmid chachom and a gadol. A talmid chochom is someone who is erudite in Torah. I am sure many talmidei chachomim have come out of YU. But how many Rav Elyashiv’s and Rav Chaim’s came out? To you who believe that Torah u’Mada is the ideal for a Jew then yes, Rabbi Schachter is definitely the pinnacle of all Jews. But to those of us who believe that Torah u’Torah is the ideal, gadlus will not be found be found in someone who is described as artistic.
I am not coming to criticize YU or any other learning establishment. My point this whole time was for those who offer their own ‘pinnacle yid’ as a proof to to others that do not abide by the same hashkafos as those talmidei chachomim, they are making a mistake.
This line of reasoning was employed here a number of times. That was all I was trying to refute. Bringing a proof from what your Rabbis do is illogical because they are following different hashkafos.
frumladygit:
I think you already know the answer. You understand that this is not an ideal situation. Your husband has expressed his displeasure over this already. The only thing left to do is to hand up a big yellow neon sign over your head.
You will undoubtedly feel bad for a while about it. Even later if the name comes up you will feel a twinge. But like all things time will make it easier. I speak from experience as well. Why way your conscious with something you believe to be not 100% correct. Let it go, feel better about yourself and your path to Hashem and in a year or two from now you will be happy that you had the strength to do what is right for yourself.
You should find out if it is ok for you to sing if you are in a group. I have heard that if no one can pick out your voice that it is ok.