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There is a book – How to improve your marriage without talking about it : finding love beyond words / Patricia Love, Steven Stosny. Some say it’s an eye-opener.
That said I’ve seen great many divorces. Please believe me when I say it – it is definitely easier to save what you have than to build something new on the ruins. Because the break-up doesn’t give you a clean lease on new beginning. Ruins are always there.
We tend to notice bad things. Naturally. But when a person finds himself in a second marriage, it is inevitable that once in a while he would think: “My previous spouse did this and that (or didn’t do this or that) and it was so nice.” Learn to notice good things while you have them.
Unless you wife has a serious psychiatric (not psychological) problems, I would advise to do everything in your power to save this marriage. Not even for your kids. For your own sake.
I know a woman (not religious, but conservative enough) who is currently married to her third husband. She was the initiator of both her divorces. Her first marriage lasted 9 years, second – 2 years, and the third is over 25 and still going. She has a daughter from her first marriage who had a very hard time adjusting to new “daddies.” After the woman lived with her third husband for a number of years, she told her daughter that if she had known how it would be with other husbands, she would have never divorced her father in the first place. Her last marriage looks most successful (over 25 years vs 9 and 2) not because she found the perfect husband, but because she realized that there is no such thing.
Hatzlachah and lots of koyach to you.
My question to administration – is there a way to erase my postings? Because it clearly didn’t deliver the message I intended. If you can – please do. Thank you.
I have teenage boys in high school and hear all kind of stories about different crowds (from them). And, no, it’s not a loshon hora. Boruch Hashem, we enjoy open relationship and they know I will not judge them (or their friends) whatever they would tell me. They actually occasionally come to me for an advise on how to deal with this or that social, spiritual or other issue – the fact that many parents find hard to believe.
Now, we all want to be the authoritative figure in our children’s lives. What we don’t realize is that we don’t have to distance ourselves from them to achieve this result. We are already in a position of power as we were since their birth. As we will be until they will be able to provide for themselves.
My advice to your friend is to BEFRIEND her son, show her willingness to be his best friend. Only from a position of trust she can hope to help him. As his friend she should find it easy to ask him, what is it that he likes about these boys, what do they do when they “hang around,” listen without judging (and remember, judging can be in your facial expression, not only in words) explain to him why she considers these kids to be “at-risk,” openly discuss the fact that his choice of friends bothers her.
This advice is general. I would need to know much more about the family, the age (or is it ages) of the boy (boys) to say something concrete.
aries2756, and what about the language they will hear? Even if it’s not in English. And you can’t very well check their bags for food they bring in with them or forbid them to use their cell phones. And if you don’t trust a person to take your kid out, how can you trust her to take care of him/her inside? How can you trust her not to mess up your kashrus? Would you leave your child with a person you don’t TRUST?
WellInformedYid – Yes, there is a better idea. Very affordable. Just not as convenient. To take kids to a frum babysitter’s house. She is usually a stay-at-home mom or a former morah, or, if she is older, she has vast experience in raising her own frum kids. Of course, as with everything, you need to check references. If we want someone to take care of our kids, cook our meals and clean our house all for $8/hr we can’t complain about the quality of her work. It’s either affordable or comfortable. If it’s both – it might not, has-ve-shalom, be safe.
I think the problem here is more than the physical safety of our kids. It is very real, but it’s only the tip of the iceberg. We leave our kids with non-frum people at their most vulnerable stages. We want them to grow up with yiras shamaim and yet we throw them into the care of those who are not even sure that there was Creation. No amount of singing “Hashem is here…” will help. It’s really a miracle that most kids do not go off the derech after spending most of their vulnerable years with people like that. Those so-called babysitters need to be babysat by us – not the other way around. They should be helped to realize the existence of Hashem, not be left in charge of our kids.
Why do we do it? I think it’s a matter of misplaced priorities. We value our comfort. It’s much easier to have a babysitter come to us – and do our housework while she is at it. We don’t have to trouble ourselves – and our kids – to get everyone ready, shlep them to someone else’s house. There are literally dozens of frum babysitters who would be happy to take care of our babies in their homes in the frum environment. Our frum house does not provide frum environment for our babies. The caretakers do. And, even though we do not want to acknowledge this for our convenience, even babies have eyes, ears and feelings. Their thinking abilities are not as underdeveloped as we tend to give them credit for. And whatever their brains can’t understand, their neshamas do. What are our priorities as parents? That is for us to decide. That is what our free will is all about.
I may be naive, but what you post here is scary. I myself am a baal teshuvah and I met my husband the old – goyishe – way. But, truthfully, I never dated without the purpose of finding a spouse and even then dating didn’t mean “relationships.” I know it was 20 years ago, but it was in a non-frum world. I have children who not yet, but coming closer to the age of shidduchim. It really never entered my mind that they should start dating to get “used to it”. Or that a frum girl could be not a virgin (unless she was married before). I’ve heard something about “tefillin dates” and other stuff, but seriously, isn’t this the BASIC of frumkait? I mean, you could be sloppy with hashgohas when it comes to parev or milchig, or wear skirt that is too tight, etc. But even many goyim choose not to have relationships before marriage. What is going on?
Judging from your question, you are not looking for technicalities of how to go about loosing weight. Your question is about motivation.
The questions you might consider asking yourself:
1) Is your husband happy with the way you look? There is a mitzvah to try your best to look good for your husband. If you are strict with other mitzvahs, why not with this one?