Forum Replies Created
-
Posts
-
“My Rav said I should sit in the back, preferably directly behind the driver.”
I’m kind of surprised about that because if I am ever in a car with a male driver other than my husband I davka don’t sit behind him cuz’ it’s awkward to be in the rear view mirror.Personally, I think it’s a breach of tznius to put up pictures of girls looking as beautiful as they know how for the public to look at. Honestly, the few times that I looked at the site, I never once wondered about the more modern element who were touching – it didn’t even occur to me – but I always wondered what the chassidish/yeshivish/chareidim were thinking when they put they put their pictures up for the world to see. When I read the thread title – that’s what I thought this was going to address.
No – there probably is nothing you can do. It is the sad fate of some guys to stay single forever dreaming about the beautiful girl they wish they could find. It’s very sad and unfair. But it has a very real upside. The girl in your dreams will remain stunning forever whereas if you were to find her in the flesh and marry her, the experience would be quite a temporary one as stunning dissipates with time. Oh, there actually is one thing you can do. If you’re not rich, work on getting fabulously wealthy very quickly, as it is a universal truth that a rich guy can always buy himself a pretty girl. (Just make sure that Mom and Grandma are also reasonably attractive for their age so you get an idea of the staying power of her looks. Or, when the time comes, you can trade her in for an upgrade.) My heart goes out to you.
bpt – “All 3 were /are innovators and shook up the music world as we knew it. Plus, they reach an audience that others either miss or overlook”
Do you automatically like their music best because of that? I assumed the question to mean whose songs/singing do you like the best.
1. Chaim Yisrael
2. Shlomo Carlebach
3. Avrohom Fried
(honestly, 3 is tough. after that it would probably be Benny Friedman, Arik Einstein, Shloime Dachs, Shlomi Shabbat, MBD, Shloimie Gertner)
Your son is 20 now? Don’t answer if u don’t feel like but – religion aside- is he in any kind of “misgeret” these days? Army? Work? College? I also remember when your next son was having trouble being considered for yeshiva. Without re-discussing the injustice of it all – has he done OK? And for you – has your life settled into some kind of livable pattern after the initial trauma of it all? Please don’t view this as prying – these questions come only from a place of caring and empathy from someone who’s been worrying about and “feeling” your “story” (?!) for these past few years. Please don’t answer, of course, if I’m being offensive.
Have a k’siva v’chasima tova.
If I was the one who had pulled into the spot, I would definitely pull right out.
major red flag. No, it is not normal that he has no idea if he thinks she’s for him nor does he know anything about her and is marrying her on someone else’s say so. He is not chassidish and his parents have not checked her out. Sure, it could turn out OK…just like you could cross the street blindfolded and conceivably get to the other side in one piece. Not highly recommended as the preferable way to cross the street.
WOW – Considering that this thread has been relatively inactive you’d be shocked at how often I think about you and wonder how you guys are doing. I especially always think about your younger kids and the yeshiva k’tana issue – it seems like such unnecessary salt on a wound. But i also know so well that’s how things work around here (not to go back there and start that again). At the end of the day are the younger ones someplace? Either way, I just wanted u to know that you’re still in my mind and in my prayers.
WOW – Considering that this thread has been relatively inactive you’d be shocked at how often I think about you and wonder how you guys are doing. I especially always think about your younger kids and the yeshiva k’tana issue – it seems like such unnecessary salt on a wound. But i also know so well that’s how things work around here (not to go back there and start that again). At the end of the day are the younger ones someplace? Either way, I just wanted u to know that you’re still in my mind and in my prayers.
Popa – I rarely comment but I found your post particularly offensive. A newcomer to any culture networks when making decisions as a way of helping him get a better handle on the nuances of the particular culture. Even if it were true, accusing someone of “outsourcing personal decisions” strikes me as a very condescending comment, but in this case it’s not even applicable. I would expect that some of the responses he got were helpful in helping him make sense of the issue in his mind.
ZD-
“I know many in the Charedi world would throw him out.”
Do you really?
First of all – until a person is R”L in such a situation they have no idea how they themselves would react so I doubt that anyone could know how somebody else would react.
Secondly – I know an awful lot of Chareidim and if I had to bet, the vast vast majority would “stick by their child” and not “throw him out”.
EH and DUNO – I might be wrong but it seems pretty clear from your comments that you do not live her in E”Y. B”H I am not in WOW’s situation (and hopefully, WOW, at some point,G-d willing sooner rather than later, you will no longer be in your situation either.) But I’m pretty sure that if I had an at-risk or OTD kid, I’d be out of here as fast as I could book a ticket. As it is, I agonize on an almost daily basis, and struggle with wanting to take my children back to a place where many aspects of life in general, chareidi life in particular, and chinuch for sure is much more wholesome. Now I can see many itchy fingers hovering above their keyboards ready to jump on me telling me how terribly wrong I am for any/all reasons ranging from what a zchus it is to live in E”Y to the fact that at risk/OTD is rampant there as well (I know, Imaofthree, I know). Still, I’ve lived in both places, taught in both places, had kids in school in both places, watched from pretty up-close at-risk/OTD in both places and it’s a different world. The only reason I’m staying is because there’s a degree of gamble (mazal?)wherever you are and if I went back and my kids ended up not doing well I would never forgive myself. So as long as they’re doing OK I’m scared to take the chance. When ARIES says “I believe that your Husband needs to take another look at this situation and must actually stop it immediately. He needs to confront this RAV and let him know that Hashem does NOT discriminate and no one knows who he will test next with which nisayon.” it is also obvious in which hemisphere she lives. Not b/c people in America love their kids more than people here or b/c people in America are more proactive about advocating for their children but b/c you can’t apply rules from one system to another. Rules that we assume are universal (“always advocate for your child by doing XYZ” “You should definitely have gone to the police and filed against the lowlife who attacked your son so your son will know that you are always there for him”) are not always universal and MAY HAVE THE OPPOSITE EFFECT and hurt our children rather than help them.
I know a woman who went for shalom bayis advice to a Rav from a different eidah than the one to which she belonged. His advice got her killed by her husband. The rav was a tzaddik and a “pike’ach” – but the advice he gave was formulated within a different framework than the one in which she was living.
I know it’s hard to believe but I did not come here to rant (and this is one of the reasons that I am a daily Coffee Room lurker since its inception and feel part of the chevra but I NEVER comment.) I really came just to say to you, WOW, that I’ve been following this thread from the beginning (I did post here once b/4); You are often on my mind and in my thoughts – very often; it’s inevitable that with all the sharing you’ve done we’ve all gotten to know a bit of what you’re like as a person…. and I think you’re truly, truly amazing; If you’ve decided to stay where you are I’m sure it’s b/c you’ve weighed the possibilities and this is what serves the greatest good for the most people in your family; I wish I could give you a hug, tuck you into bed and have you wake up a short time later with the whole thing being just a vague memory of a distant nightmare. Instead I will just reiterate what everyone’s been telling you all along – you didn’t make this happen (!!!!), there is no right/good way to “deal with” or “solve” the “situation” but you are doing as close to perfectly as possible. You are displaying superhuman qualities in terms of your devotion, resilience, and fortitude. If all parents were like you the world would be a much better place.
What happened to your next son will, in one form or another, keep happening. Most heads of institutions here truly are not as concerned about the success of the children as they are about their success and the success of their institution. They do not view themselves as public servants – the students are there to serve their purpose. (I honestly say this without the slightest degree of bitterness. It is a fact that, once understood, saves you a lot of frustration and anger.) Any institution head whose primary interest is the welfare of the children in his institution, will be/is running a second rate “mossad” because the upper strata the society here don’t WANT their kids in a place that is not elitist. My humble opinion, if I may – help your other children (especially this next one now)understand this in as benign and not-bitter way as possible. You will do much more for your family by talking to them about what is, what it means for them, how to be true to themselves and to your family and how to be successful people even when some of the cards are stacked against them than by trying to change the system and trying to be “mekarev” some rosh hayeshiva by teaching him the difference between emes and sheker.
Sorry for being so longwinded.
WOW – Mazel Tov!!!!! I’ve been with the coffee room since it opened – during the first year I posted and since then I’m a regular (i.e. a few times daily) lurker. Obviously, I feel like I know everyone here (as well as many long gone) and I’ve been following this thread from the beginning. A few times I’ve almost broken my “I don’t post in the CR” policy just for wanting to reach out to you,”hold your hand”, and throw in my 2 agorot of empathy, chizuk etc. But finally today, when I saw that your son had indeed come to your simcha… and with a friend (somehow I think that’s amazing – a small bridge between his 2 worlds) – and I visualized the family photo (even though I have no idea what you guys look like) black and white with a dash of jeans and that teeny little bit of light bantering that you described, my eyes filled with tears (not for the first time) and I just had to wish you mazel tov ! mazel tov! And like everyone else said – enjoy the simcha, enjoy the family. May Hashem give you koach and simcha to continue being the wonderful mother that it seems to me that you are, to the child of the simcha, to your son who has an earring and wears jeans,and to all of your children. I live here in E”Y so although I don’t know you, somehow I feel a certain closeness and wish that I did. Mazel Tov again….