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SIGNS THAT YOU NEED A NEW LAWYER:
1. During your initial consultation he tries to sell you Amway.
2. When the prosecutors see who your lawyer is, they high-five each other.
3. He picks the jury by playing “duck-duck-goose.”
4. During the trial you catch him playing his Gameboy.
5. He asks a hostile witness to “pull my finger.”
6. A prison guard is shaving your head.
7. Every couple of minutes he yells, “I call Jack Daniels to the stand!” and proceeds to drink a shot.
8. He frequently gives juror No. 4 the finger.
9. He places a large “No Refunds” sign on the defense table.
10. He begins closing arguments with, “As Ally McBeal once said …”
11. He keeps citing the legal case of Godzilla v. Mothra.
12. Just before trial starts he whispers, “The judge is the one with the little hammer, right?”
13. Just before he says “Your Honor,” he makes those little quotation marks in the air with his fingers.
14. The sign in front of his law office reads “Practicing Law Since 2:25 PM.”
15. Whenever his objection is overruled, he tells the judge, “Whatever.”
One day a guy decided to visit an old friend’s grave. He picked
up some flowers to put on the grave as a show of respect.
He entered the grave and put the flowers on the grave of his
departed friend when he noticed another guy putting a beer on the
grave of his friend.
The guy thought this was rather amusing. He shouted over to the
other “My son, when do you think your buddy’s going to come up
drink his beer!”
The guy man shouted back, “The same time that your friend comes
up to smell his flowers !!!!!”
Computer assistance; may I help you?”
“Yes, well, I’m having trouble with WordPerfect.”
“What sort of trouble?”
“Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.”
“Went away?”
“They disappeared.”
“Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?”
“Nothing.”
“Nothing?”
“It’s blank; it won’t accept anything when I type.”
“Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?”
“How do I tell?”
“Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?”
“What’s a sea-prompt?”
“Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?”
“There isn’t any cursor: I told you, it won’t accept anything I type.”
“Does your monitor have a power indicator?”
“What’s a monitor?”
“It’s the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV.”
“Does it have a little light that tells you when it’s on?”
“I don’t know.”
“Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?”
“Yes, I think so.”
“Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it’s plugged into the wall.”
“…….Yes, it is.”
“When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?”
“No.”
“Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.”
“……. Okay, here it is.”
“Follow it for me, and tell me if it’s plugged securely into the back of your computer.”
“I can’t reach it.”
“Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?”
“No.”
“Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?” “Oh, it’s not because I don’t have the right angle – it’s because it’s dark.”
“Dark?”
“Yes – the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.”
“Well, turn on the office light then.”
“I can’t.”
“No? Why not?”
“Because there’s a power failure.”
“A power… A power failure? Aha, Okay, we’ve got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?”
“Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.”
“Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.”
“Really? Is it that bad?”
“Yes, I’m afraid it is.”
“Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?”
“Tell them you’re too stupid to own a computer.”
Scientists have shown that the moon is moving away at a tiny, although measurable distance from the earth every year.
If you do the math, you can calculate that 85 million years ago the moon was orbiting the earth at a distance about 35 feet from the earth’s surface.
This would explain the death of the dinosaurs – the tallest ones, anyway.
A real-estate agent was driving around with a new trainee when she spotted a charming little farmhouse with a hand-lettered “For Sale” sign out front.
After briskly introducing herself and her associate to the startled occupant, the agent cruised from room to room, opening closets and cupboards, testing faucets and pointing out where a “new light fixture here and a little paint there” would help. Pleased with her assertiveness, the woman was hopeful that the owner would offer her the listing.
“Ma’am,” the man said, “I appreciate the home-improvement tips and all, but I think you read my sign wrong. It says, “HORSE for sale.”
A man was walking in the city, when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking bum who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.
The man took out his wallet, extracted two dollars and asked, “If I gave you this money, will you take it and buy whiskey?”
“No, I stopped drinking years ago,” the bum said.
“Will you use it to gamble?”
“I don’t gamble. I need everything I can get just to stay alive.”
“Will you spend the money on greens fees at a golf course?”
“Are you NUTS! I haven’t played golf in 20 years!”
The man said, “Well, I’m not going to give you two dollars. Instead, I’m going to take you to my home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife.”
The bum was astounded. “Won’t your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I’m dirty, and I probably smell pretty bad.”
The man replied, “That’s OK. I just want her to see what a man looks like who’s given up drinking, gambling, and golf.”
There are three blonde guys stranded on an island. Suddenly a fairy appears and offers to grant each one of them a wish.
The first blonde asks to be intelligent. Instantly, he is turned into a brown haired man and swims off the island.
The next one asks to be even more intelligent than the previous one, so instantly he is turned into a black haired man. The black haired man builds a boat and sails off the island.
The third blonde asks to become even more intelligent than the previous two. The fairy turns him into a woman, and she walks across the bridge.
In a terrible accident at a railroad crossing, a train smashed into a car and pushed it nearly four hundred yards down the track. Though no one was killed, the driver took the train company to court.
At the trial, the engineer insisted that he had given the driver ample warning by waving his lantern back and forth for nearly a minute. He even stood and convincingly demonstrated how he’d done it. The court believed his story, and the suit was dismissed.
“Congratulations,” the lawyer said to the engineer when it was over. “You did superbly under cross-examination.”
“Thanks,” he said, “but he sure had me worried.”
“How’s that?” the lawyer asked.
“I was afraid he was going to ask if the lantern was lit!”
A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial – a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know me?”
She responded, “Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I’ve known you since you were
a young boy, and frankly, you’ve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, cheat on your wife, you manipulate people, and talk about them behind their backs. You think you’re a rising big shot when you haven’t the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.”
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and
asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?”
She again replied, “Why, yes I do. I’ve known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He’s lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. The man can’t build a normal relationship withanyone and his law practice is one of the
shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him.”
At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence, and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, “If either of you asks her if she knows me, you’ll be jailed for contempt!”
I was flying from San Francisco to Los Angeles. By the time we took off, there had been a 45-minute delay and everybody on board was ticked. Unexpectedly, we stopped in Sacramento on the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be another 45-minute delay, and if we wanted to get off the aircraft, we would reboard in 30 minutes. Everybody got off the plane except one gentleman who was blind. I noticed him as I walked by and could tell he had flown before because his Seeing Eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of him throughout the entire flight. I could also tell he had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached him and, calling him by name, said, “Keith, we’re in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?”
Keith replied, “No thanks, but maybe my dog would like to stretch his legs.”
Picture this: All the people in the gate area came to a completely quiet standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with the Seeing Eye dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses. People scattered. They not only tried to change planes they also were trying to change airlines!
There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired. Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multi-million dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine fixed,but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past. The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small “x” in chalk on a particular component of the machine and proudly stated, “This is where your problem is.” The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again. The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges.
The engineer responded briefly: One chalk mark: $1
Knowing where to put it: $49,999
It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace.
SIGNS IT’S YOUR LAST DAY AT WORK…..
You hand a bank teller an envelope, and when she asks, “What’s this?” You then realize you just dropped the company’s deposit in a mailbox and gave her your mail.
As a woman comes into the store, you turn to the other salesman and say, “I waited on the last fat ugly old lady. This one’s your turn!”
Your boss is standing behind you. And it’s his wife.
While your boss is at lunch, you sneak in and look at some confidential information on his computer. You spill coffee on the keyboard. It shorts out.
You return from a week’s vacation to find that you had scheduled *this* week as vacation, not last week.
You take a “sick” day. The next morning the boss asks you, “So, how was the fishing on Rock Creek yesterday?”
Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the
windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all
traveling at maximum velocity.
The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne
fowl to test the strength of the windshields. British engineers heard
about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new
high speed trains.
Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the British engineers.
When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurtled
out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield smashing it to
smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer’s
backrest in two, and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin like an
arrow shot from a bow. The horrified Britons sent NASA the disastrous
results of the experiment along with the designs of the windshield, and
asked the U.S. scientists for suggestions.
NASA responded with a one-line memo…
…”Thaw the chicken.”
An investment counselor went out on her own.
She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realized she needed an in-house counsel, so she began interviewing young lawyers.
“As I’m sure you can understand,” she started off with one of the first applicants, “in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question.” She leaned forward.
“Mr. Peterson, are you an *honest* lawyer?”
“Honest?” replied the job prospect.
“Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I’m so honest that my father lent me fifteen thousand dollars for my education and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case.”
“Impressive. And what sort of case was that?”
The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted,
“He sued me for the money.”
Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without
wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
finishes given assignments on time. Often Bob takes extended
measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be
dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
sent away as soon as possible.
Project Leader
A MEMO WAS SOON SENT FOLLOWING THE LETTER:
That stupid idiot was reading over my shoulder when I wrote
the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly read every second
line (i.e.. 1, 3, 5, 7, 9, ..) for my true assessment of him.
Regards,
Derek Crabb
Project Leader
Dilbert’s Theorem on Salary states that engineers,Programmers and scientists can never earn as much salary as business executives and sales people.
This theorem can now be supported by a mathematical equation based on the following three postulates:
Postulate 1: Knowledge is Power (Knowledge=Power)
Postulate 2: Time is Money (Time=Money)
Postulate 3 (as every Physics student knows): Power = Work/Time
It therefore follows: Knowledge = Work / Time
and since Time = Money, we have:
Knowledge = Work / Money
Solving for Money, we get:
Money = Work / Knowledge
Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity,regardless of the amount of Work done.
Conclusion: The Less you Know, the More you Make
A butcher was minding his store one day, when a dog ran in and stole a cut of meat off his counter. The butcher recognized the dog as belonging to his neighbor who was a lawyer. He called up his neighbor and said “Your dog stole meat from my store. I believe you owe me for the meat.”
The lawyer said ” You are correct. How much was the meat?” The butcher told him that it cost $4.50, the lawyer replied that he should receive a check for that amount in the mail the next day. The next day, the check arrived in the mail for $4.50, with a bill attached for $150 “for legal consultation”.
An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing.
A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.
“All set back here, Captain,” came the reply, “except one lawyer who is still going around passing out business cards.”
This is a translation of the The Chinese National Airline (CAAC), Flying Handbook. It may shed some insight as to why the CAAC’s “air-to-ground ratio” (i.e. crash rate) is so high. CAAC FLYING HANDBOOK (translation):
GUIDELINES FOR PILOT:
1. Difference between take-off and landing is, take-off is optional.
2. Once airborne, try to keep pointy end going forward as much as possible.
3. If you push stick forward, houses get bigger. If you pull stick back, houses get smaller. If you keep pulling stick back, houses get bigger again.
4. Only time you have too much fuel is when airplane on fire.
5. Do not fly in clouds. They sometimes contain mountains.
6. Strive to make landings equal to number of take-offs.
7. Landing is good if you can walk away. Landing much better if airplane can be used again.
8. If it takes full power to taxi to ramp, you have landed with wheels up.
GUIDELINES FOR STEWARDESS:
1. Flying not very dangerous. Crashing is more dangerous.
2. Propeller is just big fan in front of plane to keep pilot cool. When it stops, you will see pilot starting to sweat.
3. If all you see through window is ground going round and round, and you hear big commotion from passenger compartment, things are not as they should be.
A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense: “My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offence committed by his limb.”
“Well put,” the judge replied. “Using your logic, I sentence the defendant’s arm to one year’s imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses.” The defendant smiled. With his lawyer’s assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.
A very rich lawyer is approached by the United Way. The man from the United Way is concerned that the lawyer made over $1,000,000.00 last year but didn’t donate even a cent to a charity.
“First of all”, says the lawyer, “my mother is sick and dying in the hospital, and it’s not covered by healthcare. Second, I had five kids through three divorced marriages. Third, my sister’s husband suddenly died and she has no one to support her four children…”
“I’m terribly sorry”, says the United Way man, “I feel bad about asking for money.”
The Lawyer responds, “Yeah, well if I’m not giving them any money, why should I give you any?”
Two physicians boarded a flight out of Seattle. One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat. Just before takeoff, an attorney got on and took the aisle seat next to the two physicians. The attorney kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the physician in the window seat said,” I think I’ll get up and get a coke.”
“No problem,” said the attorney, “I’ll get it for you.”
While he was gone, one of the physicians picked up the attorney’s shoe and put a thumbtack in it. When he returned with the coke, the other physician said, “That looks good, I think I’ll have one too.”
Again, the attorney obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the other physician picked up the other shoe and put a tack in it. The attorney returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the plane was landing, the attorney slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. “How long must this go on?” he asked. “This fighting between our professions? This hatred? This animosity? This putting tacks in shoes and spitting in cokes?”
A young executive is working late one evening.
As he comes out of his office about 8pm, he sees the Big Boss standing by the shredder in the hallway with a piece of paper in his hand.
“Do you know how to work this thing?” the older man asks. “My secretary’s gone home and I don’t know how to run it.”
“Yes sir,” said the young executive who turns on the machine, takes the paper from his hand and feeds it in.
“Now,” says his boss, “I just need one copy…”
WHAT EMPLOYERS REALLY MEAN WHEN THEY SAY:
ENTRY-LEVEL POSITION
You’ll make under $7 an hour.
ENTRY-LEVEL POSITION IN AN UP-AND-COMING COMPANY
You’ll make under $7 an hour; we’ll be bankrupt in a year.
AN UP-AND COMING SOFTWARE COMPANY
We want you to get your hopes up, but there’s no chance we’ll be the next Mircosoft.
PROFIT-SHARING PLAN
Once the higher-ups share it, there won’t be a profit.
COMPETITIVE SALARY
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY
We have no time to train you; you’ll have to introduce yourself to your co-workers.
NATIONALLY RECOGNIZED LEADER
Inc. Magazine wrote us up a few years ago, but we haven’t done anything innovative since.
IMMEDIATE OPENING
The person who used to have this job gave notice a month ago. We’re just now running the ad.
SALES POSTITION REQUIRING MOTIVATED SELF-STARTER
We’re not going to supply leads; there’s no base salary; you’ll wait 30 days for your first commission check.
SELF-MOTIVATED
Management won’t answer questions.
WE OFFER GREAT BENEFITS
After 90 days, you can join our HMO, which has a $500 deductible and a $50 co-pay.
PENSION/RETIREMENT BENEFITS
After three years, we’ll allow you to fund your own 401(k).
If you behave, we’ll give a 3 percent matching contribution.
SEEKING ENTHUSIASTIC, FUN, HARD WORKING PEOPLE
. . . who still live with their parents and won’t mind our internship-level salaries.
CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE
We don’t pay enough for you to dress well; a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.
COMPETITIVE ENVIRONMENT
We have a lot of turnover.
EXCITING AND PROFESSIONAL WORK ENVIRONMENT
Guys in gray suits will bore you with tales of squash and weekends on yachts.
JOIN OUR DYNAMIC TEAM
We all listen to nutty motivational tapes.
FUN WORK ENVIRONMENT
Your co-workers will be insulted if you don’t drink with them.
A DRUG-FREE WORK ENVIRONMENT
We booze it up at company parties.
MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED
You’ll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
SOME PUBLIC RELATIONS REQUIRED
If we’re in trouble, you’ll go on TV and get us out of it.
SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED
Some time each night and some time each weekend.
SALARY RANGE $24K-$32K
We’ll offer you $22K to start.
A HIGHLY VISIBLE POSITION
You’ll give boring speeches on your own time.
FLEXIBLE HOURS
Work 40 hours; get paid for 25.
DUTIES WILL VARY
Anyone in the office can boss you around.
WHERE EMPLOYEES FEEL VALUED
Those who missed the last round of lay-offs, that is.
MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL
We have no quality control.
COLLEGE DEGREE PREFERRED
Unless you wasted those four years studying something useless like Philosophy,
English or Religion.
CAREER-MINDED
Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).
APPLY IN PERSON
If you’re old or ugly, you’ll be told the position has been filled.
NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE
We’ve filled the job; our call for resumes is a formality.
SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE
You’ll need it to replace three people who just left.
PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST
You’re walking into a company in perpetual chaos.
REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS
You’ll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.
GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS
Management communicates; you listen, figure out what they want, and do it.
ABILITY TO HANDLE A HEAVY WORKLOAD
You whine, you’re fired.
REASONS WHY ALCOHOL SHOULD BE SERVED AT WORK:
It reduces stress.
It leads to more honest communications.
It reduces complaints about low pay.
It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.
Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.
It helps save on heating costs in the winter.
It encourages carpooling.
It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.
It makes fellow employees look better.
It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.
Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
It makes everyone more open with their ideas.
Eliminates the need for employees to get drunk on their lunch break.
It promotes foreign relations with the former Soviet Union.
Employees no longer need coffee to sober up.
THINGS TO SAY IF YOU ARE CAUGHT SLEEPING AT WORK:
“They told me at the blood bank this might happen.”
“This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time management course you sent me to.”
“I wasn’t sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!”
“This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people !”
“I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance”
“Actually doing a “Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan” (SLEEP) I learned at the last mandatory seminar you made me attend.
“I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory towards people who practice Yoga?”
“Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem.”
“The coffee machine is broken….”
“Someone must’ve put decaf in the wrong pot.”
“Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won’t wear off!”
“Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!”
“Wasn’t sleeping. Was trying to pick up contact lens without hands.”
Dear Mom and Dad,
It has been three months since I left for college. I have been remiss in writing this and am very sorry for my thoughtlessness in not haven written before. I will bring you up to date now, but before you read on, please sit down.
YOU ARE NOT TO READ ANY FURTHER UNLESS YOU ARE SITTING DOWN. OK!
Well then, I am getting along pretty well now. The skull fracture and the concussion I got when I jumped out of the window of my dormitory when it caught fire shortly after my arrival are pretty well healed now. I only get those migrane headaches once a day.
Fortunately the fire in the dorm and my jump were witnessed by an attendant at the gas station near the dorm, and he was the one who called the fire department and the ambulance. He also visited me at the hospital and since I had nowhere to live, because of the burned out dorm, he was kind enough to invite me to share his apartment with him.
It’s really a basement room, but it’s kind of cute. He is a very fine boy and we have fallen deeply in love and are planning to be married. We haven’t set a date yet, but it will be before my pregnancy begins to show. Yes, Mom and Dad, I am pregnant!! I know how much you are looking forward to being grandparents and I know you will welcome the baby and give it the love, devotion and tender care you gave me when I was a child.
The reason for the delay in our marriage is that my boyfriend has some minor infection which prevents us from passing our pre-marital blood tests and I carelessly caught it from him. This will clear up soon with the penicillin injections I am taking daily. I know you will welcome him into our family with open arms. He is kind and although not well educated, he is ambitious.
Although he is of a different race and religion than ours, I know your often expressed tolerance will not permit you to be bothered by the fact that his skin color is somewhat darker than ours. I am sure you will love him as I do.
His family background is good too, for I am told that his father is an important gun bearer in the village in Africa from which he came.
Now that I have brought you up to date, I want to tell you that there was no dorm fire, I did not have a concussion or a skull fracture.
I was not in the hospital, I am not pregnant, I am not engaged. I do not have Syphilis and there is no man (of any color) in my life. However, I am getting a “D” in American History and a “F” in Biology and I wanted you to see those marks in their proper prospective.
Yours Truly,
your loving Daughter
ME
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a young engineer who was fresh out of MIT, “What starting salary were you thinking about?”
The Engineer said, “In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.”
The Engineer sat up straight and said, “Wow! Are you kidding?”
The interviewer replied, “Yeah, but you started it.”
The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.
The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: “Okay! Okay! I’m a rabbit! I’m a rabbit!”
A priest, a drunkard, and an engineer are sentenced to death by guillotine. The executioner asks the priest if he wants to face upward or downward when he meets his fate. The priest says that he would like to die face up, so that he will be looking toward heaven when he dies.
The blade of the guillotine is raised and released. It comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his throat. This is seen as a sign from God, and the priest is set free.
Next, the drunkard goes to the guillotine. He also decides to die face up hoping that he will be as fortunate as the priest. Once again, the blade stops inches from the throat. Again, a miracle, and the drunkard is set free.
The engineer is next. He too decides to die facing up. The executioner slowly raises the blade of the guillotine. Suddenly the engineer exclaims, “Wait a minute! I see what your problem is.”
Think you have a bad day? Look at these (almost) true stories…
And think again: Maybe things aren’t so bad:
1. The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from tree hugging onlookers. A minute later, in full view, they were both eaten by a killer whale.
2. A psychology student in New York rented out her spare room to a carpenter in order to nag him constantly and study his reactions. After weeks of needling, he snapped and beat her repeatedly with an axe, leaving her mentally retarded.
3. A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current she whacked him with a handy plank of wood by the back door, breaking his arm in two places. Until that moment he had been happily listening to his Walkman.
4. Two animal rights protesters were protesting the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly the pigs, all two thousand of them, escaped through a broken fence and stampeded, trampling the two hapless protesters to death.
5. Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn’t pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with return to sender stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.
There now! Your day’s not so bad, is it?
A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. Finally, a reward was offered for his capture, and an enterprising Texas ranger decided to track him down.
After a lengthy search, he traced the bandit to his favorite cantina, snuck up behind him, put his trusty six-shooter to the bandit’s head, and said, “You’re under arrest. Tell me where you hid the loot or I’ll blow your brains out!”
But the bandit didn’t speak English, and the Ranger didn’t speak Spanish. Fortunately, a bilingual lawyer was in the saloon and translated the Ranger’s message. The terrified bandit blurted out, in Spanish, that the loot was buried under the oak tree in back of the cantina.
“What did he say?” asked the Ranger.
The lawyer answered, “He said ‘Get lost. You wouldn’t dare shoot me.’
Aboard a plane, an announcement by the captain was heard.
‘This is Captain Sinclair speaking. On behalf of my crew I’d like to welcome you again aboard ABC Airlines flight 007 to London. We are currently flying at a height of 35,000 feet midway across the Atlantic, and I’m sorry to say that we have lost power of all our engines and will crash into the ocean shortly.’
The passengers were obviously very anxious to hear that, but were somewhat comforted by the captain’s next announcement.
‘Ladies and gentlemen, we at ABC have prepared for such an emergency, and we would like you to rearrange your seating so that all the non-swimmers are on the left side of the plane, and the swimmers on the right.’
After the passengers rearrange themselves accordingly, the captain made a belly landing in the ocean. ‘Ladies and gentlemen, we have crashed into the ocean. All the swimmers, please open the emergency exits and quickly swim to the nearest island, which is on the right. As for all the non-swimmers on the left, ‘THANK YOU FOR FLYING ABC AIRLINES!’
We are in trouble…
New employment number are OUT -The population of this country is 300 million.
160 million are retired. That leaves 140 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school. Which leaves 55 million to do the work.
Of this there are 35 million employed by the federal government.
Leaving 20 million to do the work.2.8 million are in the armed forces.
Which leaves 17.2 million to do the work.
Take from that total the 15.8 million people who work for state and
city governments.
And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.At any given time there are
188,000 people in hospitals. Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two
people to do the work.You and me.And there you are, sitting on your
rear end, at your computer, reading jokes..Nice. Real nice.
thank you for calling 911. our offices are closed because everyone is at the donut shop. we discussed the situation before we left, and we believe you are old enough to be responsible while we are away. please be careful with matches and do not play with knives and things should be okay until we get back. hang up the phone now
I don’t smoke. If i am going to die young, i imagine it being by a terrorist on an airplane. he will say he’s serious, i’d crack a joke, and BOOOOM!!!
Because of a minor infraction, a shipmate of mine aboard the USS Reeves, bound for Japan, was busted one rank, fined and given extra duty for three weeks. Looking forward to celebrating his 21st birthday on July 22, he consoled himself every night during his extra duty by reciting, “They can bust me, they can fine me — but they can’t take away my birthday.” As July 22 approached, his excitement increased. When he went to bed on July 21, he happily repeated,
“They can bust me, they can fine me — but they can’t take away my birthday.”
The next morning, he found out that the ship had crossed the international date line — and it was July 23.
A man went on a ski trip, and was knocked unconscious by the chair lift. He called his insurance company from the hospital, but it refused to cover his injury.
“Why is the injury not covered?” he asked.
“You got hit in the head by a chair lift,” the insurance rep said. “That makes you an idiot, and we consider that a pre- existing condition.”
Old Computer Terms,
BIT: A word used to describe computers, as in “Our son’s computer cost quite a bit.”
BOOT: What your friends give you because you spend too much time bragging about your computer skills.
BUG: What your eyes do after you stare at the big mean computer screen for more than 15 minutes. Also: what computer magazine companies do to you after they get your name on their mailing list.
CHIPS: The fattening, non-nutritional food computer users eat to avoid having to leave their keyboards for meals.
COPY: What you have to do during school tests because you spend too much time at the computer and not enough time studying.
CURSOR: What you turn into when you can’t get your computer to perform, as in “You $#% computer!”
DISK: What goes out in your back after bending over a computer keyboard for seventeen hours at a clip.
DUMP: The place all your former hobbies wind up soon after you install your computer.
ERROR: What you made the first time you walked into a computer showroom to “just look.”
EXPANSION UNIT: The new room you have to build on to your home to house your computer and all its peripherals.
FLOPPY: The condition of a constant computer user’s stomach due to lack of exercise and a steady diet of junk food (see Chips”).
HARDWARE: Tools, such as lawn mowers, rakes and other heavy equipment you haven’t laid a finger on since getting your computer.
IBM: The kind of missile your family members and friends would like to drop on your computer so you’ll pay attention to them again.
MENU: What you’ll never see again after buying a computer because you’ll be too poor to eat in a restaurant.
MONITOR: Often thought to be a word associated with computers, this word actually refers to those obnoxious kids who always want to see your hall pass at school.
PROGRAMS: Those things you used to look at on your television before you hooked your computer up to it.
RETURN: What a lot of people do with their computers after only a week and a half.
TERMINAL: A place where you can find buses, trains and really good deals on hot computers.
WINDOW: What you heave the computer out of after you accidentally erase a program that took you three days to set up.
what i do is i listen to soft music it usually helps me calm down
A pretty little boy knocks at the door and tells the owner that something of his had found its way into her garage, and he wanted it back. The homeowner opened the garage and noticed two additions; a baseball and broken window sporting a baseball-sized hole.
sino steak sandwich and sesame chicken
yea i wasnt sure how to spell it my cousins are from shikawgo and i love making fun of their accents
i love chikago accent
music, music, some more music, helping people, music, music, and some more music. basically music makes me very happy. oh and eating good food
but seriously, are you going to the wedding for the food?
no, i go for the music
it should be banned to serve beer mayim or beer mayim chayim sodas at weddings!
i agree with you fully on that point. when i go to weddings (which is like twice a week) i bring a few bottles of soda to the hall
i am on a few social networks for personal and business purposes
(business purposes meaning advertising for my band)
@yedidim123 i agree with u the Mezumin Cd is pretty good
d a
i wonder what your boss has to say about that?