caarpediiem

write or wrong- skimmed through a lot of this post and felt compelled to reply, made an account and everything. I have no idea what it is like to be the mother of an OTD boy but I know what it is like to be an OTD boy. I went “off” when I was 13, kicked out of school, started smoking, getting into drugs and drinking, hanging out with girls, etc. Went to all the usual “crisis” rabbis and therapists that the Yeshivish community recommended to my parents. I was unique in my early start but in nothing else. I went down the same dark paths as all OTD’s. When I was 16 I went to Israel to a “crisis” yeshivah and came back with 10 piercings. Walked around my hometown with girlfriends and friends, all of us acting like we didnt have a care in the world. Looking back I really believe Hashem must consider my parents to be very strong in their belief. Or else he would not have put them through the tests of parenting me through those years and the shame of it all. I say the same about you. Every neshomah must take it’s own path.. Years of the same went by and once I started maturing it was time to “make a man” out of me, as I saw one post said. I went to college and worked a full time job. Still no yiddishkeit. A year into stabilizing my life someone suggested I go to Israel for 3 months, Elul Zman, and check out a BT yeshivah. I went and three years later Im still learning and building my Yiddishkeit. Day by day.

So what did it for me? No offense – not my parents. They are great role models, wonderful people (really), productive members of society, I can go on about them for days. But I had nothing to say to them. Because I knew I was hurting them. They found a way to respect me and my decisions, all the while raising other kids, and I knew the respect was genuine and I very rarely, if ever, infringed upon their beliefs. Didnt eat nonkosher in front of them, or bring girls into my bedroom, etc. The year that I was working I spent one fast day reading english literature about it with a girl friend and my mother. I can assure you that she was not picturing that scene in her head when she was starting on the parenting path. If youre interested in how my mother dealt with it I am sure she would speak to you(no idea how to set that up, if you want to tell me how, ill do it). No rabbis did it for me either, cant say that talking to one wont work for others. What did it for me was being”adopted” by a family near my community (found them through Areivim btw). I lived by them for awhile off and on. Was able to call them for emergencies in the middle of the night. Stuff that I was too embarassed to involve my parents in. I saw another post that called it “co-parenting” – a large part of the reason Im religous today. From a pure logic perspective, if one way is not working you try another way. Being at home didnt work for me so I tried something else. Why it didnt work is unimportant to me. Why doesnt matter in a time of crisis. We can reflect on our deathbeds. What is all that matters. How is all that matters. How you can take your son out of his current situation. Not why he is in it. One possibility is Areivim. Highly recommend them.

So the co-parenting brought me to a stable point emotionally after years of being with them. The next step was becoming religous again and that came about by going to the most non-threatening yeshivah possible. A place that explained the rationale of Judaism. When someone goes off, they rationalize why. Only makes sense to rationalize your way back into it. The emotional attachment I am building towards G-D came through learning in-depth. But all of this is way down the road for your son. My parents and support network through those teen years never said anything about tzitzis, yarmulke, tefillin. Once one is OTD – thats what defines them. So my parents accepted it and me. My co-parents had more room to criticize, and they did. It sounds like youre a caring and loving parent. Stick it out for a few long years. Once your son realizes their is a bigger picture in life his face will no longer be able to mask the craving for truth. Show him the way home then. Now he needs to get lost on the dark paths, then find his way back. Always be supportive even when he is at the opposite end of your value system. He knows he is, trust me. And it hurts him too. But now he needs to hurt. If you can find one moment to go over to him quietly and just hug him for a second or two, and then give him a smile masking all sadness, I promise you he will think to that moment when he cannot take it anymore and starts the journey back.

This was long-winded and I dont know if it was helpful.. Sure hope it was. Happy and healthy New Year to you and yours.