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I just read this and thought of you. “The reason why we struggle with insecurity is because we compare our behind the scenes with everyone else’s highlight reel.”
Hey!I think your subtitle came from the moderators. About the ups and downs… I saw a cute quote on friday,”unless life also gives you sugar and water, your lemonade will taste terrible.” Its so true because without those good times and steps up, life seems too hard to manage. So im happy there are some ups!
Some ideas I had about your insecurities. ..
1. Know that its invisible to other people. They probably dont notice because theyre too busy dealing with their own insecurities.
2. Avoid people you feel particularly insecure around. Those might be the people who are extremely critical of you or they, in general, are very negative about everything.
3. Dont compare yourself to other people!! This is a biggie because we all do it!! Don’t set your standards based on someone else’s.
4. If you know that youre particularly good at something, work to excel at that.
5. Try to think whats at the root of your insecurities. Are you scared of making a fool of yourself? Scared of disappointing someone like your parents?
Business1 comes from my first choice of what I want to do which is to get a business degree! Actually, at this point its kind of fluctuating between that and a few other options.
Now I have a question for you! How on earth do you have so much emunah?!?! I know I asked that already and im asking it again, maybe cuz im so dumbfounded. Ive been through plenty of my own challenges and for some reason this year it really came to a head.
Actually, last week before I went on the scale I made a deal with Hashem that if I lost weight ill daven for three days. I didnt daven for about a month. (Its taking forever to lose cuz I dont really have to lose. I have my own insecurities about that :)) so turns out that I lost 1 lb and I kept to my side of the deal and davened for three days. But it was hard. I didnt feel anything and now I dont know if ill continue.
Looking foward to hearing from you…
Haven’t heard from you in a while. Hope everythings ok…
I believe lake George is about an hour and a half to two hours away from the Catskills. Its a really beautiful place with lots to do.
Keep climbing, how was the day?
Firstly, I just watched that mashal with poker chips and I love it!!! Its so brilliantly put together and so true. Being that apparently outside influences such as the other boys caused you to lose alot of poker chips youre trying to get them for yourself. Thats a lot harder than them being given to you. So I give you lots of credit for that. No matter how hard it may get, dont give up! You can certainly do it, I have absolutely no doubt. As for goals, pick something thats hard for you to do or something that you want to achieve. Look at the big picture first. Then break that into smaller goals. For example, lets say someone wants to work on having a more positive attitude. But that’s not something one can do from one day to the next. So first theyll work on appreciation. Theyll make sure to thank 5 people during the day for something. It can even be like holding a door open for them. They work on that for a week. Then they can work on smiling at someone they really cant stand and within a week theyll feel a little less like killing that person! Theyll feel like maybe that person isnt so bad after all. And so on… thanks for your bracha! Im so happy I could be there for you… and maybe one day I will write a book! Who knows!
Here are some things I can think of. I hope they help.
1. List all your talents and good traits and read them over every day. Make them a part of you. This way, when someone attempts to knock you down, you have those things in the back of your mind and you can fall back on them.
2. Body language is really important. By appearing confident, youll eventually feel confident. Hold your head high, keep your back straight, and smile at someone when you make eye contact. Its also really important not to shy away from eye contact.
3. Know that youre entitled to your own opinions and that they do count. If someone disagrees with you, it doesn’t mean youre wrong!
4. Take risks. Be open to new situations even if they scare you so at least you know that you tried.
5. Set small goals and achieve them! It could be something that you need to change about yourself or something that youve been pushing off for a while. Make sure theyre doable. Youll feel so good about yourself when you accomplish that which you set out to do.
6. Exercise!! Thats my baby so yeh, im a really big advocate for that! Seriously, itll only do you good!
7. When someone gives you a compliment, smile and say thank you. Accept it. Dont shrug it off by denying that youre worthy of praise.
Keep me posted please…
Im reading your post at 3 in the morning because I cant sleep and now im so happy that I for sure wont be able to sleep!! Im so happy for you that youre coming to accept yourself and love yourself because of your challenges. Youre trying not to let them get you down and youre starting to see that thats whats shaping you and turning you into the person youll eventually become. Your height is part of a package deal. Any girl who will reject you because of your height isnt worth your time. You want someone who will love you regardless of your height. You want someone who will value you for you. For who are, for what you overcame, and for all your virtues. You wont marry a nebach because you don’t deserve that. There is someone out there in the world that is meant for you. And youll see that that person wont let your height get in the way of anything. Im sure you have so many strong points that can easily compensate for what you feel is a flaw. Can you try to believe that?
Im so happy to hear that its gotten better. Please open up to your therapist or anyone else you feel you can trust and bring out whatever else is bothering you. Then youll feel so relieved when its taken care of and it won’t bog you down. Loads of luck!
Keep climbing,
I hope everything is ok. Please make the right decision! Looking forward to hearing from you.
Any idea on how youre going to proceed?
I wanted to add something I read today.
A psychologist walked around a room while teaching stress management to an audience. As she raised a glass of water, everyone expected they’d be asked the “half empty or half full” question. Instead, with a smile on her face, she inquired: “how heavy is this glass of water?”
Answers called out ranged from 8 oz. To 20 oz.
She replied, “The absolute weight doesn’t matter. It depends on how long I hold it. If I hold it for a minute its not a problem. If I hold it for an hour ill have an ache in my arm. If I hold it for a day, my arm will feel numb and paralyzed. In each case the weight of the glass didnt change but the longer I hold it the heavier it becomes.”
She continued, “The stresses and worries in life are like that glass of water. Think about that for a while and nothing happens. Think about them a bit longer and they begin to hurt. And if you think about them all day long, you will feel pwaralyzed- incapable of doing anything.”
Keep climbing, its time to give it all up no matter how much strength and courage it takes. Youll only become better from it. Try not to let your fear weigh you down and not allow you to do the right thing.
@keep climbing
Yes, its very hard to say certain thoughts. And the worst part is that you know theyre unhealthy and self destructive but you feel you cant say it. Its a tough decision. But as hard as it is, its worth it in the long run. You want to have healthy relationships one day and in order to do that you need to help yourself now and learn to accept yourself. I would recommend practicing getting your thoughts and feelings out by writing them down. That will get it out of your system. More than anything, you need to believe that you can overcome this. Please tell your therapist everything! Its for you! Maybe before each session decide what youre going to say so you dont feel like youre divulging everything at once. I sympathize with you because I also go to a therapist and I know how hard it is to spill it all out. But theres such a feeling of relief afterwards… please do it. I know that youre capable of it. Please keep me updated.
@ the art of moi: height is a valid reason for low self esteem. There are many people like that. Everybody is quick to bash others problems without taking the time to realize that although it may seem like an insignificant problem to them, it can really be bothering that person. True its not enough to wish to grow alot overnight but its good to believe that hashem can give a person the strength to accept themself for the way they are.
Nice!
@keep climbing: didnt hear from you in a while… hope alls well…
@keep climbing: I hope you had a good day. Have a great shabbos! Hang in there…you could do it!
Must be hard especially when heights important by boys. Its probably also frustrating that theres nothing to do about it
You bet its hard! I struggle with that alot. I know all those things on a logical level and its true that sometimes its easier to say than other times. For example, tonight I feel horrible. I feel fat even though im not really. I know its going to kill the next week because im going to keep being upset that I think I ate too much today. that gets me thinking things like why cant I be naturally skinny like so many other people? Why can everybody eat whatever they want and I need to watch every calorie? And I get really upset and dont accept the fact that this is how I was created. For some reason, i find it so hard to believe at times like this.
@keep climbing. Its true that its hard to open up to someone maybe because you have a fear of them betraying you. Like ive written in an earlier post,rejection happens and the key is not avoiding it, its learning how to deal with it. Like you said, its also embarrassing. Until recently,I felt like an epic failure because I had problems. I always wanted to be perfect. Then I realized that theres no such thing. I began going to a therapist and after going a few times,I feel much more able to open up to her. I actually began liking her which I never thought is possible. Its the smartest move for you to make. You know theres a problem and you want to take care of it which is awesome. About connecting to someone, its only possible if you like them or respect them. I hated the first therapist I went to because I didnt like her. That said, I realized I wouldnt gain from going to her because I didnt value her opinion. It certainly seems like its a long chapter but you have so many more years ahead ahead of you iyh. In comparison to all that,think of this as one chapter. Theres so much you can still become. Dont ever give up! Im thinking of you constantly throughout the day and hoping that youre ok and not upset. Youll get through this! I promise! I have one question though. You seem to have alot of emuna. How do you hold on to that when things are so hard?
So happy to hear that! Have an awesome day!
After reading what you wrote, I literally started crying. Maybe cuz im a girl but im really not the type to cry easily. Its just that its obvious how much pain youre in and I feel so so horrible about that. I wish there was something I could do. I wish I can give it to those idiotic kids who hurt you so much and who dont realize the impact of their actions. Its true that you have a lot to contend with and its so hard for you but I can promise you that it WILL get better. You wont have to spend the rest of your life this way. Please believe me.your experiences are making you into such an amazing person. Youre going to end up so strong and youre going to always be able to understand others in pain. I cant think of a greater virtue than that. Please stay strong… im thinking about you all the time…
I think the problem with schools today is that the teachers are more interested in teaching their subject and not their students. They rush to cover the curriculum and so they dont have time for questions. Even if they do accept questions, many teachers dont know how to answer. If they see the question is coming from a genuine interest, they should be willing to call someone more qualified like a rav for an answer. In general,yes, many schools need improvement.
Resilience comes eventually so although you may not see it now, you will eventually. Youll see that whatever youre going through is making you stronger. Working on yourself is a form of avodas hashem because we were out on this world to struggle and to become better people. Happiness is definitely a result of working on yourself but it isnt the only thing you get out of it. In addition, struggling with life situations and trying to do whats right translates into every aspect of your life. If you work hard on something and see it through until the end, youll be that way when it comes to doing mitzovs and things. And although it may look as though someone has a better life naturally,I can assure you that theres something that theyre struggling with. Nobodys exempt from problems!
Im so happy to see you being more hopeful by saying that its going to get better. Dont lose that hope! Youre question is amazing! Although I don’t know the answer I have a few theories. Firstly, those confident people arent necessarily better in terms of their avodas hashem since they tend to think that all the their gifts and talents are their own doing. Secondly, theres no greater avodas hashem than working on yourself since thats the purpose of being on this world. One more point. Just watch some of those people when disaster strikes. They fall apart because they have no resilience.
@keep climbing: hope you had a good day…
It sure does! Its a normal feeling if you’re made to feel worthless. Here are some quotes that I live by. Thought you might like them too: 1)life doesn’t give you the people you want, it gives you the people you need.to help you, to hurt you, to leave you, to love you and to support you to become the person you know you can be. 2)do it because they said you couldn’t 3) only G-d can turn a mess into a message, a test into a testimony, a trial into a triumph, a victim into a victory. 4) youve only got 3 choices in life: give up, give in, or give it all youve got 5) when you come to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on 6) tell the person who bullies you the most “its over,” and walk away from the mirror 7) you never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have
I feel so bad about everything that youre going through. I was always told that high school isnt everything but I never believed it. Now that im graduating, I really see its true. Theres so much more out there and the kids who intimidated you arent going to be around you any more.and then real life starts and you figure out what you want to do with yourself and where you see yourself in a number of years. I dont blame you for letting those kids get you down because most people who would have to put up with this would go absolutely crazy. About forgiving them, I could tell you that youre only hurting yourelf by holding a grudge and things like that but as true as it is, its so so hard to let go of everything they did. Forgiveness doesn’t come easy at all. But im telling you from experience that time really does heal. One day when youre having an easier time iyh youll look back and be able to forgive them. Now youre feeling very resentful and rightly so. Please please dont be scared to walk past them or anything! Show that you arent afraid of them even if you really are! Thats the best comeback. I know its not so easy but try it a few times and then itll happen naturally. Yes, itll take lots of inner strength but like you said yesterday, Hashem doesnt give you something you cant handle. Thinking of you all the time (seriously) and im hoping that today will be a good day!
Just letting you know that im thinking of you. Hope today was ok.
@keep climbing: you bet were all rooting for you and we all have confidence in you! So happy youre feeling a bit better. Now I can study with a bit less worry 🙂
Im supposed to be studying for a murder final now but I cant stop thinking about this. I give you so much credit for sticking it out. Really
It sounds like youre really having a hard time. And im very shocked that boys of that age are still physically hurting you even if it isnt too often. When they do that, the best thing to do is to show it doesnt bother you. The same with people commenting about your height.itll be tearing your heart out but at least on the outside pretend that no matter what they do or say, itll have no impact on you.nothings wrong with going to a private place afterwards and crying or punching a pillow or something. Because if it does hurt you, you need to get it out somehow. The trick is not letting everyone catch on. Hopefully, after doing this for a while, theyll give up and end their antics . Apparently your height is really bothering you. True you didnt pick that; genetics did that to you. Its not your fault and you cant do anything to change it. Once you accept yourself as the amazing individual that you are, youll accept that too. Im assuming that height is a big issue by boys but once you get out of yeshiva and everyone starts living their own life, height wont play such a big role anymore. Youll see that iyh youll live the same quality life as those who are taller than you. About the working out… its discouraged because it builds your ego?!?! So go work out! I do every morning and it’s the best thing in the world. Theres nothing that makes you feel so empowered. Its also an awesome way to release stress.
I dont know what the cause could be but maybe when youre feeling ok you all of a sudden have a fear that something could go wrong and that causes you to feel stressed out and unhappy.
Dont think youre crazy for fearing rejection. Everybody does, only some people are bolder than others. Secondly, rejection does happen; its a part of life. Be it with friends, shidduchim, job interviews etc. So although you cant always avoid it, you can learn how to deal with it in case it does happen. Knowing youll be ok in the end no matter what happens gives you more confidence. For example, someone who was dating someone for a while and then gets rejected is bound to feel hurt. But they know that in the end theyll get married and be happy and that rejection was just a small bump in the road that they needed to cross to get to where they are now. You can also shift your perspective of what rejection means. If it means that youre a loser and unworthy, youll have an intense fear of being rejected. But if you say that rejection means that you simply didnt get what you wanted or expected then rejection is more about that rather than about you as a person. One last point. Imagine a man sees a diamond on the floor. Not knowing what its worth, he just throws it away. Does that tell you something about the man or about the diamond? Of course the man! So too,if someone rejects you, dont let that define your self worth. It simply says something about the one who rejected you. That person isnt worth your time. I know its easier said than done. But its possible. You can do it! That said, there are many good people out there who can turn into amazing friends. Try to break out of your comfort zone bit by bit and find those people!! Loads of luck…
@keep climbing: good luck with the learning tonight. Maybe you can find someone nice to learn with and make a new friend. Thinking of you and hoping all goes well… have a great yom tov!
I see what youre saying but in order to understand the world, you need to understand yourself. If you arent happy then the world seems like such an evil place so the only way to ultimately enjoy your life is to sort out your feelings, accept yourself, and reach your potential. Im not sure what your social anxiety homework is but maybe every day set aside some time just for that, make it into daily goals. Preferably small goals so it will seem more manageable. If its hard to talk to your parents about whats really going on, maybe write a letter instead. Sometimes its easier to express yourself in writing.
I feel like youre in my head because I have the same questions as you. But imagine this. If you accomplish something that was easy for you to do, you dont feel any major satisfaction. But when you accomplish something that was hard for you to do, theres no greater feeling! So every time you struggle you need to make a decision. Do you give in or do you fight back? Thats part of lifes complexity. We become confused because we want to take the easy way out and just leave things as they are. But at the same time we know that we need to conquer our demons. The choice is hard to make! As I mentioned in another thread, I was anorexic so i see a nutritionist and a therapist. One day I was particularly fed up and angry. I figured that its just easier to not eat because then I wont spend my time being upset about every calorie. My nutritionist gave me a killer look and said to me “are you a quitter??” When she said that, I realized that im really not one to quit. Im a fighter! No matter how hard it is we need to persevere because we don’t want to lead a miserable existence. I dont encourage you to stop soul searching. It might be painful in the interim but youll gain such clarity about yourself. Youll come to appreciate your complexity and the different facets of your personality.
I hope its ok that I keep responding… maybe something triggers those thoughts
*compliment
Those are very loaded questions. And before I attempt to answer them, I want to say something else. You feel like a loser but seriously, these questions prove exactly the opposite. Youre obviously a very deep thinker who is constantly working on himself to become a better person. Thats extremely admirable. I can guarantee you that all those real losers who make you feel bad about yourself dont have the golden character that you have. So a friendship usually begins when two people have something in common. It could be something simple like a habit or something deeper like an experience. It usually starts off slowly and as time goes by you learn to trust each other and you grow closer. When your friends talk to other people its very logical to feel like theyre putting you down. You might be scared of rejection. I totally get you when you say that its a horrible feeling when you feel like you own them. I feel that way too sometimes when my friends talk to other people especially since a few of my friends dropped me in the beginning of the year. Sometimes I catch myself getting so nervous and scared that the next friend is going to drop me so I exercise a lot of self control and leave my friends alone. And then I realize something. The fact that your friends feel able to go talk to others shows that they trust you that youll always accept them back. It proves that they feel comfortable with you and that they dont feel like they need to please you all the time because youre real friends. Its actually a comoliem for you! When you say that you feel like a fake, what do you mean? In terms of yiddishkeit, as a person, that your actions are based on what others want from you? Please explain
Thats so upsetting. It is a terrible feeling and you probably feel out of control. How about getting what you want to eat and going elsewhere to eat it? What is your definition of safe people? Who do you feel comfortable with?
Beautiful moshul
Thanks for the compliment! Actually, not everybody wants a loud boy. Such boys are often very arrogant and no girl wants that. Most girls want to have a husband who will listen to them and respect their opinions. They dont want to be drowned out.secondy, loud and confident are not necessarily synonymous. Some people are really loud and totally not confident. Others are confident and not loud. The more important part is the confidence. I know you feel a lacking in that area but I feel like that’s a teenagers way of getting to know themselves. And if you will allow yourself to open up to somebody no matter how hard it may be, youll gain the confidence you deserve. Make a list of your virtues and things that you have going for you. Take pride in that!! Youre here for a reason! The world wouldnt be complete without you! Im not putting down your feelings of inferiority and telling you to just let it go because I know exactly how it feels. Its hard work to build yourself up but its definitely possible. Youre right that life so often feels unfair. It seems that way because bad things happen to us. Since were human, those bad things get to us and get us down and hurt and angry. We percieve bad as whatever doesnt work out for us. But it really isnt that way. Nobody and I repeat nobody has a perfect or fair life!! What is a struggle for somebody else is easy for you. And theres always somebody whos jealous of what you have, believe it or not.