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“Girls do it all the time… “
You got me there, Dunno. Then again, women submit to having their eyebrows plucked (yeouch!)…and pay someone to do it, no less.
Thanks, Lakewood. Its nice to see I’ve got someone in my corner
We are not subcribers (yet) but so far, we’ve bought each issue. I admire the fact that they had the guts to publish the story about a young woman who endured years of covering up for her uncapable parents, and when circumstances (not of her own doing) made it clear that her younger siblings were at risk, she called in the authorities.
Much like the “blogs” that exposed the child abuse that was being covered up in our community, articles like this make it eaiser for other victims to deal with / prevent further abusive situations. It also makes the people who would otherwise try to cover up situations like this think twice about what they are about to do.
Read the article yourself and decide. I think she did the right thing, and the “senior memebers” of the community have themselves to blame for the mess this family now has to deal with.
“you make it sound like marriage is all about money and managing your own house.”
Smartcookie – Sorry, thats not what I meant to say. What I meant is, its all about working towards a common goal, and one that you acheive by workng side-by-side, as opposed to getting things handed to you. As far as fear of the unknown, that we face each day. If we let that be an obstacle, we’d never learn / acheive anything.
Is every match as rosy as I painted? No, of course not. CAN every match be that good? You won’t know till you try.
OfCourse –
There is no denying the senario you note is a very real possibility. But consider this: most times, each partner has done a fine job of managing to navigate the very tricky business of making and keeping friends trhu the school / early work years. There is no reason they cannot apply those skills to buliding their marraige.
Some of the items you listed are beyond the scope of a CR post. Handicapped children (r’l) or spouses that suffer a breakdown can derail the best marraige. These things can and sometimes happen. And in case like that, one needs rachamei shomayim. Still, scary as those senarios are, they are the exceptions, not the rule.
The problems you noted about mother-in-laws mixing in as very real. But to a great extent, this is when the mother-in-laws are footing the bill for the day to day of the newlywed couple.
This can be avoided, with a little planning. Does that mean you push your in-laws under a bus? No. But with a little sense of self-sufficency on the part of the new couple, they will earn the respect and privacy they need to build their own life
Willingly apply hot wax to my face? I’d sooner crawl over broken glass. I jump out of my skin when the havdalah candle drips on me.
Ima of 3 (unless the 3 are girls), let me offer the best advice I know of:
Norelco Triple Header
Sacrilege –
Sorry to hear things did not work out. Kapitl # 20 had loads of encouraging things to say, but given the circumstances, I think the most relevant one is posuk 9: “They fall, and stay down; we pick ourselves up and keep going”
Al Tisyaesh, Sac. Each deadend puts you one step closer to the true destination!
CutiePie –
Like Smartcookie said, 80% of the things you’re worried about will solve themselves a week or two after shevah brachos, much if the other 10% within the next few months.
As for the last 10%… well, I’m going on almost 25 years of marraige, and I’m still working on that.
And yes, when it works (as is the case 99.9% of the time) it is VERY good. Don’t for one minute think otherwise. Part of what is scaring you (and many young people) is the fact that so far, most things are handed to you (clothing, food, trips, housing, ect) so you’re afraid of what its like to “earn” these things on your own steam. But take it from me; nothing gives you the satisfaction of doing something on your own.
Imagine setting your own Shabbos table, and most things on it were cooked / baked by you. Now inagine the look on your husband’s face when he walks in from shul and sees what you’ve done.
Now imagine the look on your husband’s face when he walks trhu the door with his first paycheck. Then imagine the look on YOUR face when he buys you something with the money that HE earned.
That’s what marraige can be like.. if you both work towards it.
Sorry, I should have made two disclaimers before making my post:
Yesomim (r”l) will need to turn to someone else for advice
Parents who have allowed their kids to be raised on auto-pilot, or raised by others, forfeit the right to be the “go-to” guy (or gal, as the case may be) when it comes to dating advice.
Barring these two examples, parents should be the 1st stop on the advisors list. True, we may think that a “tweet” is something a bird says, but we still know a thing or 3 about human interaction.
Give us a shot; you might be pleasantly surprised.
Oh. Well, let me quote my mother (zull zein gezunt) with regards to parental advice, “the older the child gets, the smarter the parent gets”
Need outside advice? I could see that being valid on carrear moves, fashion tips, where to live…. things like that. Times change and parents don’t always.
“How to relate to a spouse ” advice? That hasn’t changed one iota. No one knows that stuff like your parents. If nothing else, they should have at least made the list.
I’m with you PY. I mean, I thought everyone in the CR sent their personal shopper to Brooks Brothers or at the very least, the Short Hills Mall (Gevirim still love a mitzia, natch)
Apparently not…. <sigh>… there goes the neighborhood!
“I’m that guy at the kiddush ….. makes Kiddush on some chocolate liqueur.”
That’s only because you’re drinkin’ with the wrong chevrah. Sit at my table, and you’ll soon see why bourbon is THE drink of choice!
Who to hire? Simple. Hire the boys that are post EY, but not yet ready for BMG. Oh, wait.. I forgot.. “those” boys are not the ones camps want to hire.
Hmmm… quite a pickle we’ve made for ourselves. Serves us right.
Kind of odd that no one here (so far) thinks to turn to their parents for advice on how to relate to / better understand the person that they are considering choosing as a spouse.
Sad.
“how about 200% more? “
That would mean a 2nd spouse. Not something I wanna contemplate
That would fit too.. The past few days she was dating, and not avail for babysitting. Now with Chosson off to EY to finish the zman, she cannot claim to be out and about and too busy to babysit.
Hmm.. c’mon Blinky. Does Smartcookie have it right?
OK, but what will you do if Sacrilige announces her engagement next week?
Ok, hows this for an idea; ! will not count as a spoken virtual word. You can use that, when the moment arrives
” it can be addicting even on Kosher sites… “
True. But you don’t go to gehenom for broswing/ downloading 1500+ cc cookie recipes
As we are in the early part of Shemos, let , me end off with this thought:
I know this is a real leap of faith for you, Sac. I know, because all us married folks were there too. But you can make it work, Sac. Believe in yourself, and believe in your bashert.
Hatzlocha rabba!
She’s probably an older sib who either just got married, or went off to EY
” 33% more “
But still a great value!
Thanks, Klach.. could’nta said it better myself
No, its prudent. No one watches a husband like a wife
A label tells you what to expect before you “buy” the product. Some manufactures are more reliable than others, so choose carefully…..
“hey did you hear of the CR?”
Oooh, do I feel that one.
Last summer, someone mention the CR in a Friday night get-together of about 6-8 people. I said nothing, but my wife shot me a look that could freeze a river.
Oh, sorry. I thought you were asking how close the Condor is to the hall the wedding is at.
I thought the Condor provides food?
Someone I know ran a “liquor gemach” where they collected 1/4 full bottles, left over from a simcha, and then combined same brands into half or 3/4 full bottles.
Then, turned around and handed them over to baalei simchas that could not afford to buy liquor on their own.
You’d be surprised, but it comes in handy more than you realize, as even someone who can afford to buy, sometimes needs a few 1/2 bottles to speed things along at a kiddush.
Plus, you’re always meeting / making happy people!
Ouch, that is a painful story. But like Blinky and Eclipse say, that herd is a small exception to our otherwise very kind and courteous klal.
Focus on the rest of us!
Which hall? Many of them (Rose Castle, Eden Palace, the ones on Bedford) are within a 5-10 minute walk. And lest I checked, there is no snow in the forecast.
If you need to get to Ateres Avrom, that’s a bit of a hike (close to 20 minutes from Condor).
Either way, say “vus’i neiz” to the brothas for me!
” I’m very grouchy at night 🙂 “
Hmm.. Agent (who says, knows you personaly) seems to feel like the assesment was pretty accurate.
At any rate, hope your few days aways were for something pleasant
I’ve got one foot out the door to mincha, so I really gotta keep this short (I’ll re-post later).
The word “consession” makes it sound like your’re losing out to your opponent. Marraige is about fitting 2 halves into a whole. each piece needs to fit in a specific spot; that way, everybody “wins”
Back soon….Sac
From full time work? As soon as you can afford to (my goal is 59.5.. the date I can start drawing down on my IRA without penalty)
But to stop working altogether? That’s a bad idea. At 60, you’ve still got a solid 15-20 years ahead of you were you can get aroud without assistance, so some type of part-time work (even if its as a volenteer) is crucial to keep your sanity.
Face it. By the time you’ve made it to that age, you’re up at dawn anyways. What are you going to do all day.. fight with your spouse? Best bet is to have a place to escape to. Plus, you get a half fare transit card, so how can you lose?!
Touchdown!
Ear plugs
Menacing glare
Promise of cash reward for stopping
Or you could just tough it out like we did. The kid is playing on your emotions. By the end of the 1st few weeks, (barring ear aches and illness) most kids learn to knock it off after 10-20 minutes. Besides, our dr told us the the baby really can’t do itself any real harm by crying, so don’t freak out. It only seems like the kid is in agony.
Relax, and enjoy the new arrival!
A SCARF
Oooh, Eclispe, did you hit this one on target. My kids scarves are WAY cooler than mine.
It gives me a place to sound off
I’m with RealBrisker and Best Ima; AG dolls are a “balbatishe” roll model… a far cry from the blonde shiksa, with her shagetz boyfriend
I agree. There is no point in lying, as the facts are not going away. Age, size, family, ect are too verifiable. If you want to fudge, do so (within reason) when talking looks or personality.
But some facts are just what they are. They are unavoidable, and are best dealt with up front.
I’m on the verge of redding a shidduch, and the girl is (IMHO) simply fantastic. Looks, brains, vigor, everything. Except yichus. And when I meet the boy’s parents, I’m going to tell them, the girl has the same yichus that Sarah and Rochel and Rivka had. If you can deal with that, we can talk. If not, I understand, but I can’t change the facts, so if its a no-go, its a no.
Eclipse nailed it. If this is the bashert shidduch, it will go past this hurdle. If its not, someone else will be the lucky chosson.
Very subjective terms, so they really elude definition. In my shul, I’m condsidered “with it”, yet if I went to a place in <take your pick>, I’d be as stale as week-old bread.
Its like trying to define “pretty”. Depends on the yardstick you’re using
Here’s the link. My post to Blinky is towards the bottom, but you should really read all the posts. Many of them are quite good.
Dunno –
Are you talking about the tire changer story or the 1st one that Aishes Chayil posted today?
“She is happily married until today”
Says who? How can you measure happiness vs “settling for what was decided as better for you”
I apprciate things I work hard for, more than things that are just handed to me. Can I make a multi-tier cream cake? Not one that looks professional. Can I make chocolate chip cookies that taste great?
Yes. And I appreciate each and every one of them (the ones I share with others, even more so)
On the topic of great shidduch stories, does anyone know the finale of the “tire-changer” story? That was a CR favorite for a long time.
Any info?
Keep us posted, Sac… we’re rootin’ for ya!
And as far as what goes on in a husbands head, its really quite simple:
Whats the fastest, easiest,most practical / economical way I can do <enter task at hand>?
That, in a nut shell is it. Sometimes pro sports, but thats about it.
Whatever time is left, gets divided between davening, learning and sleeping (we can eat between innings / during time outs)
No, I don’t think Blinky disappeared. I think we just “blink” and we miss her whizz by!
She seems to favor the limmericks and word game threads, so maybe she’s just trying to crack a puzzle.
And Agent, if you know her that well, what did you think of the post I made of her on the “apprciation to Aries” thread?
More fun? No, Sac that’s not what I meant. Whereas you have the “chilli pepper for breakfast” personality needed to get things moving during the day, I think she has the sensitivity needed to deal with the end of the day stuff.
But why not just check the website? That will tell you all the programs / services they offer.
I don’t know much about their adult kiruv dept, but the camps do a great job. There is strong follow-up during the year between the staff and the campers, and both sides benefit from the exchange.
Blinky – are you on line? I want to be sure you saw the post I made about you on the “thanks to Aries” thread. I meant what I said, and would hate to see it slip past you.
Of lesser importance is a compliment I paid you on the “who would you be for a day’ thread, as I’m sure your FLOODED with compliments (but still, you can never be too rich or too complimented 🙂
post sem –
I’ll quote my son (who BTW wears his tzitzis out, yet I don’t)
“its not a problem if a bocher does not wear them out, but wearing them out shows “where he’s holding”
Go figure what THATS supposed to mean, but that’s how they see each other.
And yes, his brim is up mid-week, down on Shabbos.