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Absolutely not.
If its any consolation, I think I spotted you on the train about 6 months ago, and from listening to the bits and pieces of the conversation you were having with your co-worker (?) and the overall general impression you make, trust me, you are squarely in the top 80% of social / normal / not out of it folks.
Add the smarts, the baal koreh talent, the photos, the green meatballs, and your closer to the top 90%
(ok, maybe the green meatballs a bit out there).
Besides, if you were weird, we’d tell you.
Some fears are TOTALLY unfounded.
Just rememeber: one day soon, you’ll be in her shoes, so make note of the happiness, as your share is right around the corner.
When its your turn, the hurt will melt away. Just hang in there!
is there anything that you personally ARE aware of?
Since most of what people “know” is really just conjecture and hearsay (unexplained trips out of town, sudden weight loss, police cars making house calls) there is really no way to KNOW if there are illnesses, or sholom bayis problems. So being evasive is not really an outright lie.
Thats why its crucial to talk to the perspective person’s Rov / Rebbe. They KNOW, because they’ve been told.
That said, if I cannot give a 100% stellar, squeaky clean report about someone, I tell the person, I’m on my way out to maariv (or wherever), let me call you back in < x time> minutes.
Then I call the person, and tell them, so and so is asking about you. How do I explain <whatever the issue>.
But B”H everyone I’ve been called (or place a call) about is someone I would consider for a match myself, so I can be as truthful as possible.
“Mane” ‘n Tail
Oh, so THATs why no one laughed at my “fres like a ferd” joke
“I now NEVER leave the house without a hat”
Ditto. I have a wool cap for winter, and baseball caps for the summer. Besides, without hair, I’ve got no other way of keeping my yarmulka on!
I’m not pushing a stroller these days, but whenever the time comes, I really have my eyes on those 3 wheel (or 4, but bigger in back / smaller and closer together in front) models. And it MUST have those inflatable tires, with treads like a bicycle.
If I’m gonna do the mileage, its gonna be in style and comfort!
Wolf.. were you kidding? Please tell me you were kidding.
Aries –
You are 100% right about not disclosing info to a stranger. I’m in a similar situation, where I know (suspect?) negative information about someone, and when called about that person, and asked about personal / medical matters, I tell them, “I really don’t know the answers to these qustions, call Rabbi ______, who knows the family very well.”
The rov knows what and when to disclose. For all I know, he might withhild the info until after date # 1, and then call the other side back and tell more. If its a dead end, why spread the private news?
Still, this is a tough call. If it were my child, I’d ask to meet the family face to face, before the engagment is announced and ask them, “is there anything you want to tell us before we finalize things?”
That way, if I find out later, I can always know, I tried. In the end, its in Hashem’s hands, so try as you might, you still need to rely on Hashem.
“When you go out to date, there’s very little you can actually see”
I disagree. In fact, when sitting in the girls dining room, with your parents in the next room, you are on your BEST behavior, and only say what you were coached to say. 80% of the time, the conversation follows a basic script, with the girl doing most of the talking.
OTOH, take a boy, put him in traffic or a resturant or out for a few hours, and you’d be surprised at what you can learn.
Opposite the cemetary? Isnt the train yard / bus depot there?
See? I TOLD you BP ends at 40th st. And I just passed the Ft. Hamilton / 36th intersection this past Sunday. Talk about seeing the forrest and missing the trees (no pun intended!)
I discuss the ideas that lie beneath other people’s things.
What does that make me?
“One place quite obvious is along 37th street, between Fort Hamilton and 9th Avenues”
Uh, I think that might be Greenwood Cemetary you were seeing.
Unless that’s 36th street. Which by the way, has some of the nicest views in Bklyn. In fact, its a very popular bird watching destination (yeah, sounds weird, but its true)
Can’t speak about Flatbush, but BP (at least to us BPers) is 40th – 59th / 11th – 19th.
Epicenter is 13th ave / 50th, which is very noisy and abrupt. As you drift outwards, it gets quieter and nicer
“We find out everything, but EVERYTHING about the boy/girl”
Everything, except for what’s on their mind. That, you cannot know until the couple becomes a couple.
What we do have, is extensive damage control, and the ability to cover up like few others can, so when a surprise comes to light, we can deal with it quietly.
Raw data (like whose married to who, and what each one does ((or claims to do)) for a living, where they go for vacations) that we’re better than the IRS.
But the real person? Not until after sheva brachos.
“Binyamin Netanyahu has one and he always looks great”
That, and his extra 50 lbs. Its a wonder Hollywood hasn’t called yet.
Note to Bibi. Ask Perez who his barber is.
In my shul, its called a “kashkett”
its about the suffix “SKI”
From the thread title, there was no way to know its about a “suffix”.. it just said “ski”
Once I saw its about teen slang, I backed off. I have enough to deal with my family’s Brooklyn slang and Yeshiva shprach, I’m not looking for more words to introduce / uproot.
I agree with Zeeskeit. I’d rather have a few good friends that are terrific human beings, than have a mailing list with hundreds of “aquaintences”
Smart? And confuse myself with lots of facts? What for?
“try a shampoo and conditioner called Main N Tail”
Not sure what side effects it might have on women, but in men? If you suddenlly start fressing like a ferd…..?
Another useful measuring rod:
If you and your spouse (faults and all) were stranded on a desert island, would you stay, or risk a swim with the sharks?
Not that bad? Think you can make a go of it? Ok, so why wait till you’re on the island?
Make it work NOW!
25? not a problem
20-30 lbs overweight? not a problem
Boys who think they “deserve” something? That’s a problem
My advice? Go back into the icebox for another 3 months and think about what it is that YOU have to offer, at 26, before turning anyone down.
” I can do it better than all y’all “
This, I believe. Your hubby will have to be on his toes, no doubt about it. But he’ll get his last laugh, when he sees how your “daytimer planned life” goes out the window when the kiddies come along.
I’ll daven at the RT zman if necessary, but really try to make it by 30. (so I have a safety margin)
But I really get a laugh out of the way Flatbush folks flip, when I ask them “where can I find a minyan for mincha” at 20 min. past shkiya (knowing full well, I can find one at Landau’s)
“they dont make em like they used to..”
Depends on the factory. The models now on display in the bpt showroom have all the bells / whistles the late ’80s edition comes with, only in newer upholstery.
Available in a limited supply, so don’t delay!
Ok, truth? Yes, I learned some of it the hard way. Tears, icy cold stares, sulking (oh, that was really effective).
Took a while, but eventualy we ironed out the wrinkles. Hopefully, my kids will avoid some of the uglier mis-steps.
“rebbi ovadia yosef had to come and assure the syrian communities that she is a kosher convert and should be accepted. “
I was davening at a Syrian minyan when this happened, and the consensus was, she is accepted in EY and klal yisroel, but the Bklyn edict still stands.
Take it from someone who said goodbye to his chup a long, long time ago;
Careful grooming (of whatever is left) makes you look like a mentch. And whatever you do, DONT TRY A COMBOVER! It does’nt fool anyone. Keep what you have short and neat.
Losing your hair is not the big deal its made out to be be. Inside tip: grow a trimmed beard. Works wonders, and gives you something to patchke with.
I don’t know any woman singers, but I would’nt mind hangin’ out with Lipa or Matisyahu for a day or two.
But to be married to a celeb? Nah.
Do what I do.. tell them you’re “transferring the call to your supervisor, who can better assist you”
Then hang up.
“all in the family.”
Except that some of us are PART of that family.
OK, we move on.
” how long did it take u to figure out “
I learned this from watching my parents. That, and when a woman says “go ahead” it is NOT permission… its a dare!
(BTW, this, and many similar tips, are available on line. Very true, but most men choose to learn this the hard way. Bad move, IMHO)
As others have already correctly noted, this ban was made to protect the community when it was in its infancy and in real danger of being flooded with fake conversions. But I think its only in effect for the Bklyn community.
I thought this was a thread about skiing.
PLease let me know if the discussion turns in this direction.
Stick around, Robert… we got LOADS of insightful tidbits to share (as I’m sure you do too)
Have a good shabbos (or Shabbat Shalom, if that the accent you’re more at home with)
” a few tears will melt his heart.”
There are better tactics than that. Any man worth his title will tell you, the word “fine” (done in a monotone) is what gets our undivided attention.
And believe me, when I hear that, I know its anything BUT fine.
“men- do u disagree?”
Yes. What we really want to hear is, “you’re right, we should have taken the West Side.” (even if the FDR is 2 minutes faster)
Itche –
That was outta line.
“Its not a proper elopement if The King doesnt marry you.”
Hurry.. he was just spotted in asile 2
“He was quite socially awkward”
That’s not his fault, but it is the fault of whoever led him to believe he’s ready to date.
Your call. You can gamble that he’ll grow up one day to be a normal socially adjusted person, or toss him back into the pond, so he can finish growing up.
(I know what I’d do)
Things? That would have to be the smell of the outdoors. (ocean, forrest, parks, etc)
People? Each of my family has their own distinct scent. That’s a real oneg!
“fee to have the ceremony … is $425.00.”
$425?? The cherry blossom canopy is nice and all, but $425?
OK, Prospect Park it is. Concert Grove for the chuppah, over to the bridge that overlooks the Boathouse for pics, then on to the Library plaza for the meal (its BYOB, natch.)
Terrace? And look at the cemetary?
The Marina is a much better choice. And who is Elvis? (don’t tell me you mean the guy in the white jumpsuit?)
“totally predicted your response!”
I was going to say something else, but the Mods would have my head.
“I’m glad, I’m not your wife”
Seeing as she gets a 10 hour headstart on me each day, if she wanted to run, she could be across the globe by the time I got home.
She (like me) stays because its worth staying for. Uh oh, 6:07… gotta run!
“What of someone who comes from a family of 10?”
Ok, lets crunch some numbers:
Chosson = 1
Parents = 2
Grandparents (biz 120) = 4
Aunts / Uncles, father’s side, (all married) = 20 ppl
Aunts / Uncles, mother’s side, (all married) = 20 ppl
Cousins, father’s side, (some married) = 60/100 ppl <Average 80>
Cousins, mother’s side, (some married) = 60/100 ppl <Average 80>
Chosson’s married sibling = (all married) = 20 ppl
Chosson’s nieces / nephews = some married 60/100 ppl <Average 80>
Chosson friends (yeshiva, shul and camp) = 50 ppl
grand total = 357 (just a coincidence). Kallah has the same, so that’s a cool 700+ people.
But the reality is, in a family that size, cousins and neices / nephews come for 5 minutes (if at all) and rarely will the spouse come, as they likey have the same size family to deal with.
So knock the 80 x 3 down to 20 people total (selected at random, or whoever you’re close with) and you’ve got 137 ppl / double that for the kallah and you’re at 274.
That leaves 26 ppl for parents neighbors, shul freinds, country friends, etc.
Besides, if you have 700 people at your wedding,and the workable hours at the wedding are max 3 hours, that means you can only spend 15 seconds with each guest. And if your macheteneste corners you for 10 mintues so she can introduce you to her 20 best freinds, someone else is gettting ignored.
And I’m going to shlepp to Lakewood (4 hours r.t. including the meal) for a whopping 15 seconds of your attention? Thanks, but no thanks.
So yes, I really think 150 people per side is doable. (And spend a whopping full minute with each of your guests, but hopefully, they’ll understand)
If you want to, you can do it. With or without a takonoh.
“City Hall?”
You and hubby can take care of the paperwork during sheva brachos.
As for the ceremony, I was thinking along the lines of Prospect Park, or the Bklyn Botanical Garden (I think Wednesdays are free admission to the Garden)
No doubt one of the dates were there, so its got sentimental value.
OTOH, I hear Ateres Avrohom has a killer shmorg!
Well, since I’m married to my “cleaning woman” (and she’s also the mother of my children), what I “pay” is a whole lot more than the going rate.
Then again, I help her, and try to treat her like a person, as opposed to an employee. Come to think of it, I treat her like a partner.
Still, if you’d rather have a stranger poking around your house….
Window guards can easily be pried open by the FD, if chas v’sholom they need to get in. Unless you live in a basement, put the window guards on each window. Even a fall from the 1st floor 6-8 feet) can be a real trauma to a toddler, if they land head first. From the 2nd floor and higher, ask a hatzoloh member what that can mean (I don’t even want to think about it)
The horror stories you hear about are iron bars, like the ones that are all over BP. Those are a death trap. Worried about a break-in? Get insurance for $500/year. Your family’s safety is worth more than that; don’t risk the iron bars.
Busy is good. When it rains it pours. With Spring right around the corner, only good things can happen.
Expect the unexpected!
“175 guests are invited to an average wedding”
I have several non-Jewish co-workers, and they have made weddings (theirs or kids) of this scale.
But the total bill (limos, flowers, pre-dinners, affair in a country club) can easily reach %40,000
” I’m good w eloping. “
Just tell me when and where. I was zoiche to see a chuppa set up in the yard of the Sefardishe Shul on 14th / 44 (back in th 70s) and would not be opposed to going to another wedding just like that.
The more remote the location, the better.
I’ve been to many of the “special” circumstances weddings you listed, but have been to MANY more where the hall was filled with 2nd cousins, just because people feel lame making a wedding for “only” 200-300 people.
My barometer? The “contact list” in my phone / e-mail. If I’m not staying in touch with you on a regular basis, I’m not sending (read: obligating) you an invitation.
And believe me, no one stays in touch with 600 people. Yet I know people that mail out 700+ invitations. What for?
The one takonoh I would like to see enforced is a maximum # of people invited (say 300). Not seats, not meals. Invitations printed. If I don’t know about it, I don’t need to come.
That way, I could be “excused” for not going to my cousin’s daughter’s son’s vort / wedding.
Not that I have anything against my cousin, his daughter or the chosson, but that level of relative (plus the 50+ invitations I get frommass mailings) opens me up to 100’s of weddings a year, and opens the mechutonim to 100s of $ in food “for the just in case” people that might show up.
It would also cut down the “Jones” competetion, which sad to admit is very much alive and kicking in our world