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“why get involved with all that if you dont have to?”
You have a point. There are some issues that come with complicated baggage. But y’know what? I (as do most folks) have baggage of my own, so while there are a few cultural challenges people from other zip codes may preclude an easy mesh with my family, unless the girl had horns growing from her head, I will not turn down any serious lead without taking the time to see the girl / family in realtime.
Does that mean I’ll jump on a plane to Rio just becuase someone told me good info? Not in the 1st few years of the search process.
Does that mean I’ll take a drive over to <pick the location, within a 2 hour radius> to see for myself before judging if the data is accurate?
You bet.
Don’t answer it!
Mod-42 is fishing for an angle to shut down the thread!
“Shmuz sticker? “
Honest? While I like the program, the spelling and graphic of the word “shmuz” make me think I’m seeing the word shmutz.
If they change in to schmooze, then maybe (as that makes me think I’m seeing the word booze!)
” with so few of your posts edited.”
That was before yesterday. Tuesday saw me in the principal’s office more than once.
And what color nail polish do you favor?
(sorry Mods, I could’nt resist)
Break time is crucial. Tell them if they sit nice thru <the fish, the next zemira, ect> they can go away from the table for 10 minutes.
Our seudos take upwards of 2 hours, but there is no stress and no fidgeting.
(No telling how the DILs will adapt to the 2hr meal, but we’ll skin that cat when we get to it)
Sorry. No girls allowed in the dorm.
I’m the one with the lampshade on my head, dancing on the table.
“should memorize the names and not have a list?”
This is going nowhere, Brisk. Go back to your list.
” You rather I say “a list full of girls”? “
No, Brisk, and you know it. But in case someone esle is following this, and missed the point, whats at issue here is the “list” like you’re buying a car, or shopping for an AC.
These are people. And once you reduce them down to facts and figures (both financial and otherwise) you strip them of their humanity.
A Bas Yisroel deserves better. And if you (the shadchan, the parents) can’t take the time to think about a person as a person (and yes, that might mean meeting them face-to-face) then you are doing them and yourself a huge disservice.
I was going to put the ” I’m a poshiter yid” and “Track 5” bumper stickers on, but I was told that BMW is very picky when the lease is up, so I opted for the fox tail and dice from the mirrors instead
” havent edited one of your posts in a long time ”
See, Mod80? I didn’t disapoint you. Yesterday saw one of my volleys (two, if you count the re-post)find its way to the CR shredding machine.
Still, today’s another day, so lets hope I stay away from the Mod’s baseball bat.
Party!
” a boy with a list full of names “
That statement galls me. The “names” are people, not satistics.
How low we have fallen, if this is how we refer to women in our community
If your question was directed to me, its because I do think its app, and the CR (in a manner of speaking) is my social circle.
Were I to start saying /approving things that are not in sync with the YWN tone and taste, I’d find myself being asked to move on. And since I like it here, I abide by the rules we (more or less) agree and adhere to.
(If the question was aimed at someone else, please re-post, so they can answer)
“She’ll probably have to take a second rate shidduch.”
I agree with everything you said (about being supportive and sensitive) but take great issue with the 2nd rate quote.
What is 2nd rate about someone? Is your friend 2nd rate because she has divorced family members? (Not according to your words, ” good girl, smart, pretty”)
What we as a community need to start doing is looking at people for who they are, not what the media spin tells us to think about them.
“.. tznius involves not just values and guidelines. It also involves basic laws of what is and is not permitted “
Which is exactly why we have the mess we have on our hands. Guidlines are like tax laws. Tell me what the guidlines are, so I know how to exploit them.
What works (for me, at least) is peer pressure. No one keeps me in line more than my social circle / family does.
“as has been mentioned numerous times”
I’m speechless.
” CR is better “
And, from one gender to another, you can hear first hand, what works (in terms of tznius) and what is passing the criteria, yet failing dismally.
No one tells it like the CR!
Ossur? Probably not.
Something to be avoided? I’d say yeah.
It breaks a boundary that should not be tampered with.
“are any of the Mods of the female persuasion? “
I can’t recal them confirming or even hinting at it, but I somehow doubt it.
“Most people in my family know who I am. Of course, they have no idea what The Yeshiva World News Coffee Room is.”
Very funny, MG!
Try this: don’t cover for her a few times, and allow some work to miss deadlines.
That should bring the procrastination to a halt
If you enjoy shopping, yes. You can spend 6 hours there, and not see all there is to see.
Put a whole lotta distance between you and the other person. Nothing is a freakish as a stalker, and they are impossible to satisfy with an occasional meetup. They need help, and (unless your a trained professional) you’re not in a position to provide it.
Pretty close!
Some of us dress better than others, wife works AND can draw a map of Woodbury Commons from memory.
House? Depends who is coming over.
That’s what I thought. I guess I mis-read your comment about ( no not mr perfect but mrs perfect for me!) “
OK, your back on the right side of the fence. (and yeah, I thought Adorable was a funny name for a guy, but who am I to point fingers)
“No. We don’t”
So let me get this straight; no walmart, no pizza at 2:00am, no bowling..
What DO you folks do? I know there are places in Swan Lake and down the 42, where the highlight of the day is the dryer cycle finishing, but there is no way I could see an active CR member being satisfied with that.
Unless you’re the one on the waterskis tearing up the water in White Lake.
Adorable –
Are you sharing a sign on name with someone? I’m pretty sure yesterday you implied you’re a guy.
Your quote from yesterday:
“I am single because he just didnt come around ( no not mr perfect but mrs perfect for me!) “
Whats the deal? Which one are you looking for, and which one are you aiming to be?
” I don’t think you can make a general statement about what age a person should look for in a prospective spouse. “
Perhaps not as a deadline, but surely as a goal.
Condsider that under 20 is too young (boys AND girls) and mid-30s is kinda late, the middle 20s seem about right for a target.
I’m also working with the premise that the couple expects to meet their own cost of living expenses, and since it takes 5-10 years to reach a point in your carear that you are making a good living, starting younger (but not too young) is better.
Which is not to say, that if you are 26, you should give up. But for someone 19-21, now is the time to start formulating a goal and how you expect to acheive that goal.
People don’t plan to fail.. they fail to plan.
” Monsey is close enough- very few of us go up there…. “
Too bad, its loads of fun.
I’ll wave to you as I zip up the Palisades. Better yet, if I decide to go hiking in Harriman, I’ll stop by and say hello!
your kids are going to be chassidish or heimish or something like that…
Waddya mean, gonna? Don’t let my saracsm and english spelling fool you. We shukle and dress like the brothas and sistus in BP
Ok, no shtramel and shpitzle. But otherwise, we’re as generic as the next family in 11219!
“We don’t participate in Melave Malka’s in Walmart, stores, bowling etc”
Oh, come now. Tell me you’ve never gone to grab a pizza or ice cream in your housecoat and slippers (not crocs.. the slippers with the wedge heel).
And down the road.. a Florida turban to complete the outfit!
” did you mean that as a general statement or just to bomb? “
Both.
Bomb has the advantage that he is working, and that his personal life situation has (or will) force him to grow up sooner than most young men.
I also feel this way as a general statement. If a bocher of 24 thinks his peer is a 19 year old, we have a major problem in our values system.
If he does not feel capable of looking a woman of his age bracket eye to eye, its because he feels inferior.
And that is his fault.
“if Chas v’ Shalom you’re made to wait until you’re 30”
“you do have a lot of work to do until you completely grow up.”
I agree with the 2nd line, but 30?!
Bomb – if you’re working at a decent job (part or full time) and are on track towards a full time job, you will do most of the growing up you need to do by the time you are 22-24. The rest of the “growing up” you / your wife need to do will take place over the next 20-30 years.
Don’t for one minute accept or contemplate the 30 year mark. If you are focused (and it sounds like you are) you will be ready to get married sooner than you think. There is nothing wrong with being young. Its also wise, (once you are ready to start dating) to look for someone who is within a year or two of your age. That way, (with your work experince) you’re on the same maturity level as your spouse.
Set your goal for your early to mid-20s and you will b’ezras hashem see solid results.
Bomb –
I can relate to much of what you say about yourself, as I was in some of that scene when I was post school. I had a past I needed to put behind me and by staying very visible and in a stable shul, I was able to silence my critics.
One comment about compatibilty with your spouse: Its important that you share a common vision, but its also important that you each have somethings that you do apart (example: You play softvball, she takes art classes) so you do not stifle each other, and do not become a barrier between each others friends.
Which is not to say, you need to take separate vacations, but a day every now and then apart will be of great benefit to both of you.
Also, if you get offers to go to someone’s house for a Shabbos meal, take them up on the offer, and where practical, daven at the shul of your host. Having you seen on the outside will boost your visibility. Everyone has a niece, a neigbor, a babysitter, ect, and you never know where the promising lead will come from.
(south, of course)
Don’t tell me.. Nachlei Emunah? (or Nachleh Eminah?)
Both are a bad choice. Why resort to either?
Take a deep breath, and rip out your best, blood curdling scream and say, “a mouse!”
That’ll change the subject, and no one will be the wiser.
See, had you davened in a shteeble, this would not have been a problem. All the $$$ goes into one pocket, and there is no expectation of any accountability at all.
And everyone (excluding Uncle Shmeel) is satisfied with the arrangement!
” havent edited one of your posts in a long time “
I could always re-post the nail polish material. Some of that was really funny!
(Sorry, I don’t slam organizations anymore. Too worried they might figure out who I am in real life, and with shidduchim right around the corner…..)
I know what you mean. I (like most parents) give our kids the world in terms of money and attention. Yet sometimes, its the “small” things that get kids to open up.
For my teen, it was bringing him an asprin and glass of water in middle of the night. For this, he thanked me in the AM (and I could tell he really meant it).
You are right; never underestimate a caring gesture.
One thing you do need to think about and act on now, is start being consistent about where you daven, and if you’re out of yeshiva, where you learn at night.
Nothing says more about a person than predictability and visibility. From what you’ve said about your relationship with your parents, putting down roots in a specific place will help you overcome any negative vibes people may have (and trust me, they will have them).
Prove them wrong by showing how stable you have been over the next few years.
Oh, and a word about looks. When the connection is right, you will see the looks take a serious back seat to the other considerations. Be mindful of the way you dress as far as being neat. Labels mean little, so don’t get hung up on that. Put your best foot forward and let your personality do the talking for you.
I’ll let you know in a few weeks.
Sorry to hear that, but glad to hear you’re ready to take the initaitive. I’m re-posting (with some minor editing) something I wrote yesterday (in case you did’nt see it)
No matter what your “brand” you can do your homework and find the person that is right for you. Once you know what you want, setting the ball in motion is easy. Don’t be held hostage by the “system”. Talk to the Rov (and his Rebbetizn) that you’re affiliated with and tell them what you seek. You’d be surprised at what comes across their desk.
And if that does not yield results, talk to another Rov / Rebbetizn that is from a similar shul / background. Networking is the key to success.
Its my personal bias, but I put very little faith in professional shadchanim. Unless you are sitting on a major money pile, you’ll have a tough time getting noticed. Don’t burn any bridges, but don’t hold your breath either.
You’re attitude and optimisim is rare and refreshing. You’ll go far, and will make a great spouse. You are truly the bomb!
Depending on the circle you’re in, much of the answers to the questions you pose will be relayed by and flavored by, your parents.
So while you might want one thing, the shadchan will hear something totally different.
Speak to your parents to be sure they know what you really want.
” Is that sort of the same thing that we’re talking about here? “
Flowers? I thought we were dicussing iced tea with rose petals or the brand red rose tea.
“Size 2?? I’m a size 38!”
Size 38 jacket? Good for you!
Size 38 pants? That’s another story (unless you’re 7ft tall)
Not sure what R’ Schachter is refering to, but a few years back, there was a tumult about an injection dairy cows get. In fact, for a while, Golden Flow did not carry a “hechsher” on the bottle becuase of the debate.
I know of one rov who switched to goats milk because of this.
Not for one second did I mean to imply that you / your family are not doing their utmost to find you a proper shidduch.
From your post, it sounded like you had hit a wall, so I was offering an alternative suggestion.
Sorry. The comments were made in frustation of how the “system” fails to value those of less than A++ rating.
Best of luck whatever your route.