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“any separate beach in the NY area”
yeah, I was thinking the same thing.
Ooops!
Otisville :))))!
Last summer, to avoid the construction traffic on the 17, I would sometimes hop on to the 209, and drive thru Otisville, and then swing back at Middletown.
Nice place to visit, but I would’nt wanna live there!
“you seem to have a real hangup about that thread”
Its an inside joke between the mods and myself. I posted what could have become a BPT classic, but the mods felt it was too over the top, so they squashed it.
Oh well, there’s always the next topic!
“your name is short for beautifully painted toes”
Sorry, Shticky. With all that was going on, I forgot to acknowledge your comment.
What, is there a problem with painted toes? As long as its a shade of pale pink, I should be in the clear, sem-approved and shidduch ready.
Red, on the other hand….
Teshuva is a must, stop texting in shul, and Leiby, A’H was a korban to be mechaper on our averos.
The only out-of-context remark was by the Skuleneh Rebbe’s son, who said that if anyone has any info he / she is harboring, they must relay it to thier rov. Not totally clear what “info” he was referring to, but my guess is abuse. Also not sure what will be gained from “relying this info to their Rov, as abuse (if that’s what he was referring to) is rarely acted upon by anyone other than the authorities.
IMHO? I think we as a community are exploting this. I could see another round of addresses at the shloshim, and another round each year at the yor tzeit.
But I think we have hit the saturation point.
” we could have made a difference. “
And in many cases we do. The most memorable one that comes to mind was someone looking to buy (or do?) something for his frum brother, and was looking for suggestions on how to best go about it.
He turned to the CR because of the tone and content we (usually) are known for.
In the case of Basket, he was not asking, he was asserting. So its doubtful we could have made a substantial difference.
Because he was not open to ideas, and because he knew it all.
Since giving birth is not an option, I’ll settle for plan B (which is tubing down the Esopus)
Identify the Mods? That would take us down the “identify the members” road, one which I do NOT want to contemplate.
(My photos make me look 10 lbs heavier)
And lest you think I’m painting all us males with the same despicable brush, I’m not. And here’s why:
For the most part, 3 things keep us on the straight and narrow:
* Fear of G-d
* Respect, hakoras hatov and admiration we have for our wifes
* Society expectations of us not doing things we’re not supposed to do and doing things we are supposed to do.
The husband in our OP has demonstrated that none of the above 3 things matter to him:
He shirks the responsibity Hashem charged him with
He does not appreciate his wife’s role
He disregards what his daas torah told him to do.
Would you trust this man to be a good boy and stay out of trouble for 10 hours a day?
“we live in modern times”
“This husband’s issues go beyond that”
I can’t speak for Adore, but speaking for myself, and with many years experience of being a male, left alone for 10+ hours a day, hubby will get himself into mucho trouble. Modern times (or more speicficaly, modern technology) will see to that.
We need to be kept busy all day to stay out of trouble. Trust me, left to a male, housework would not be an all day job. It would be a hurdle to overcome, the faster the better, and leave the rest of the day for all sorts of bad things.
“is that all you learned from the story?”
Of course not. Teshuvah is a given, wether its something as “minor” as getting into a fender-bender, or something as shocking as this. Needless to say, the severity of the “potch” is meant to alert us as to the extent we need to get our act together.
But in the nuts and bolts end of things, the same way a fender-bender is a wake up call to drive more carefully in bad weather or be fully rested before getting behind the wheel, when something bad happens to a child, we (as parents and as society) need to take a closer look at how we are managing our children.
I can tell you first hand, molestation has dramaticaly dropped in certain circles. Why? Because parents took the warnings seriously, schools / campls enacted safety measures to make sure that kids are not left vunerable. Has it been totally eradicated? Sad to say, no. Are certain kids more vunerable than others?
Sad to say, yes.
Its our job to make sure our kids are not vunerable.
“Not by teaching him how to turn the Transformers robot into a truck.”
Ha, that’s old news. Today’s kids can show you how to get the Transformer to double as a wireless router for your Ipod that was thought not to have internet access.
” make sure no ones hanging out “
No, hanging out is a good thing. The alternative is leaving wet clothing in a lump, and that makes it wrinkled and funny smelling, and no one wants that.
“(41st st area)”
“the bridge on Indian creek”
Thanks for clearing that up. Being a NY’er my first reaction was, 41st street in BP!
“I just cant imagine it being a good thing for a guy to stay home all day “
Very perceptive. And 100% accurate
” as the mashgiach? “
No, I was up there as the tour guide
“I’m a little concerned she may not be able to deal with more serious problems.”
Welcome to the world of adult relationships. Think you might encounter a rough spot? Trust me, you will.
Is it easy to work out? Not always, but if you are patient, sensetive and a little secheldik, you can do it. Together.
Let me know when the engagement is official 🙂
“the wife in the OP has to “manage” the non-working husband”
Based on being married for 10+ years, the husband is at least 35, so no one needs to “manage” him other than himself, and the wife is not his mother.
He got a free ride till now, but its time to grow up or get out.
” Gasp! So maybe that explains some of the missing posters… “
And the sataited look on the bears in Ellenville this summer.
The way I see it, you have 2 choices:
You can back down, and let her marry someone she deserves (bad choice)
You can step up to the plate and turn yourself into someone worthy of her stature (good choice!)
Not everything in this world is money and yichus. If you are prepared to treat her with respect, and provide for her well being, what more could a woman ask for?
He could verify all the accolades he heard about her. That could fill a few hours for sure!
And as far as the title, Too Funny! I missed it until it was pointed out.
Just goes to show how temiusdik Ami is! (wonder what they’ll say if the joke gets back to them?)
I read the article, and while I do not have anyone in my family that has that condition, one point you noted hit home real hard.
It was where you mentioned that even in the recovery periods, you were saddled with the fact that a relapse in on the horizion. And there is nothing you can do to prevent it. Control it perhaps, but its inevitable reoccurance is always there in the background.
I see this with my parents and in-laws as they age, and see the forgetfullness, the diminishment of agility, the loss of coordination. And there is nothing that can be done to stop it. Ease it perhaps, contain it perhaps. But in the end, its a reality that is unescapable.
Your article made it clear that not all conditions are just a matter of “why can’t they just pull themselves together” or “the family should try harder, and this would not happen”
Not every situaion is within your control.
Looking forward to your next 2 installments!
Does libi b’mizrach count?
(Sad to say, I’m in chutz l’aretz)
You only feel the way you allow yourself to feel. Don’t let the small-minded people drag you down. The only judge you are beholden to is Hashem, yourself and, to a lesser degree, your spouse. Other people (your rov, children, friends) can offfer their input, suggestions and guidance to the extent that is appropriate to their role, but in the end its your nestegg your building so whatever you expect to have sacked away is up to you.
That said, outsiders (as meddling and critical as they are) do provide a valuable service. They prod you to go beyond what you might think you are capable of and they give you a chance to self-evaluate yourself to be sure you’re still on track to achieve your goals.
Don’t let them bring you down, let them build you up!
I think it means to be passive, not to assert your rights in every single situation, to allow someone else to call the shots, even in a situation where you think your way would be more efficent.
I think its a trait, not a mitzvah
They don’t. They only think they do (cause mommy keeps telling them they are the best thing in the world, and no one is good enough for them).
But in reality, the girls (and their earning power) still call the shots. The boys with potential get the calls and the duds stagnate.
In essence, Derech listed 2 mamre chazal stating that childlike behavior is bad for you.
But on the flip side, there is a mahmer chazal that says from my students, I learnt more than from anyone else.
And one of the Rebbes said, multiple things in avoidas hashem can be learnt from observing an infant.
So take your pick.
As far as toys, I’m still hooked on bike riding! (but deeizooger is right, my bikes cost a whole lot more now than they did when I was a kid.)
Wolf, I think Mod-80 was looking for my post.
“if this does not prompt me to do teshuva and to improve my ways “
Nice thought, but what we really need to change, is the way we take care of our kids.
I know I’ve said this over and over, and I plan to keep on repeating it.
Its appalling the way I see kids being left for hefker or asked to do mommy’s job in minding the younger sibs.
Do we need to heed this as a wake-up call?
WE SURE DO!
I, on the other hand, can do no wrong, as I posted a comment that contained a reference to nail polish and it sailed past without a hitch.
Go figure.
Very funny!
(and welcome back!)
From what you just posted, the problem is far greater than the absence of relations. The man is not observant! How can you contemplate staying in a marraige like that? (I take it that you yourself are frum).
Sorry to say, but if his frumkeit is shaky, his fidelity most likely is as well.
Stop kidding yourself, thinking that you can’t do better, and that he is doing a fine job. Give him a 6 month window to get his act together and if he does not, move on.
“I keep trying”
That, MGD, is the difference.
Hold on, Love a Yid. Before I extend a greeting, could you please provide some data:
Gender?
Age range?
Brand of Judaism practiced?
Preferred nail polish color? (sorry, Mods, I could;nt resist)
Either way, you are a welcome addition, but its nice to know who your neighbors are.
Nu?
“7/8 year old leading (I guess) a 4/5 year old up 18th ave BY THEMSELVES”
You are making a valid observation, but one that is falling on deaf ears. Time and time again, we fail to learn from tragedies that can often be avoided with just a little foresight.
Things like life insurance for a father (and mother) so the kids are protected, things like having a real, frank conversation with our kids about the dangers of abuse and how sneaky the stalkers can be.
But instead, we as a community choose to turn a blind eye and say, it won’t happen to me.
Sad indeed. Even sadder when Leiby’s mother will see kids hefker in the street
Nail polish? Works every time!
“so now we know the truth”
Yeah. About my co-workers. It works for them, and I’m drooling!
Say something outrageous. They’ll contact you!
“i didnt realize that he doesnt listen to daas torah”
It was in the op. I’ve posted the line below:
“They have gone to rabbonim and her husbamd wont listen when they tell him to get a job”
As I said earlier, few people advocate harder than I do for giving a shaky relationship a 2nd (or 3rd) try more than I do.
But providing for your family is job # 1 for a husband. If he does not do that (or does not help with household work if wife is the primary provider) he has relinquished the title husband, and needs to be put on notice.
The problem is, our society will carry him along with handouts and excuses as long as he does not turn physically violent.
Not fair, and he should be kicked out, as he has not earned the right to be there.
Go, and good riddance.
So you can pass the meals thru them, for when the occasional long term “time out” is called for.
“why cant she help him and pull him out of it?”
“it sounds like its a new thing thats bothering her”
Because even someone who has been very patient has a breaking point.
For me, the fact that he will not listen to daas torah is reason enought. Again, we are not talking about someone who is simply a shlemazel and cannot hold down a job. That happens.
Here, he is refusing to cooperate. She did not seal the case; he did.
Eat, drink, repeat. Nothing makes a fast easier, plus you get to watch your co-workers drool.
“dont take it too seriously”
You have no idea how close to the truth you are. Housekeeping is not my strong point.
“what bout pretzels and mustard. or…a slice of frozen pizza.”
Gone within the 1st week.
“how this thread …..turned to a discussion about…foods.”
Becuase the real reason for fasting is obvoius (or can be googled) so I figured it was posted for comic relief (much needed on a day with no food)
“is your wife really gone all week?”
All week? She’s gone till Labor Day 🙁
You think I eat rice cakes as a 1st choice?
Because my wife is upstate, and I’m tired of eating rice cakes and duck sauce
” I had no idea you lived in Battery Park “
I have been to Battery Park many times, and not once did I realize that it shares initials with my area.
Go figure!
You could try taking a class, but to really master all the nuances, hang out with yiddish speakers. Pick the dialect that best fits your background, and give it 6 months.
Let me give you the 1st line to get you started. Ask someone; Vus iz neis? (which means whats new?)
But be sure to pronouce it: vus e’nayies, so they know what you’re talking about.
Since the OP is adamant about this not being a hoax, I’ll back off and take it for what it really is.
That said, is it possible that the rejection was due in part because you did not feel as 100% as you once did, and as a result projected a negative vibe? That might account for the “rejection” you were picking up, as it was a mirror image.
At any rate, and regardless of the weight, if your mood is positive and upbeat, it comes back to you. Break the routine, make dinner reservations, get dressed like you mean it (makeup and everything) and see if that does not work.
As do most of us middle agers, I know dozens of folks that are 30-40 lbs heavier than the day they walked down the aisle. But that has not stopped them from having a very well rounded marraige. I’ll not elaborate further, but you get the idea.
Before you opt for the therapy / counselor venue, try the method that has worked for most couples. The food and visual senses route!
Thanks, MG. I was going to say something along those lines.
As for those who advocate for “working it out”, few people know this / say this more vocal than me. But this can only be done when you have 2 people willing to work things thru.
By disregarding what daas torah told him, the husband is in essence saying he does not want to be a partner.
So dissolve the partnership.