I want to try my hand at this too! 😀

*Can you cry under water?*

Theoretically, yes.

*How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?*

Hm…. Important enough that people publicly hate them.

*Why do you have to ‘put your two cents in’… but it’s only a ‘penny for your thoughts’? Where’s that extra penny going to?*

Well, I wouldn’t want anyone to say I was a stingy person. Y’know?

*Why does a round pizza come in a square box?*

So you can fit the spice packets in the corners, and it’s easier to pull the slices out.

*How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?*

Because on the moon, there is less gravity, so we figured it might be easier to just live on the moon so that schlepping heavy suitcases would be less of a schlep.

*Why is it that people say they ‘slept like a baby’ when babies wake up like every two hours?*

Because, in two hour increments, babies sleep very well. As we get older, we require constant sleep for eight hours straight, but we can still sleep as comfortably.

*If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?*

Because the judge hears everything.

*Why are you IN a movie, but you’re ON TV?*

Because movies are bigger on the inside. I dunno!

*Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?*

Because they have no appreciation of money. And then when the vertigo sets in, you waste all the money you spent on your lunch.

*Why do doctors leave the room while you change?

They’re going to see you naked anyway.*

Good question.

*Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?*

Because there are plenty of indecent humans out there.

*If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?*

Humans always see patterns in things that aren’t there.

*If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?*

Quite the opposite, actually. Leave it to morons to keep lowering society’s standards of morality!

*Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?*

I’m afraid so.

*Why did you just try singing the two songs above?*

I didn’t. I played them in my head.

*Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog’s face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?*

What an irony! I’ve never tried blowing in a dog’s face, but that’s probably because I know someone with a Caucasian Shepherd.

*Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?*

Because we never want to give up hope.

*Why do banks charge a fee on ‘insufficient funds’ when they know there is not enough money?*

Because they’re money-hungry fools out to make us poor!

*Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?*

Because they can relate to something so minor and insignificant like wet paint. It isn’t practical to fly out into space and count the stars.

*Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?*

Because one wouldn’t want the needle to be accidentally exposed to the antidote for the lethal substance.

*whose idea was it to put an ‘S’ in the word ‘lisp’?*

Sean Connery, of course. His name is really pronounced “Sawn” but he pronounces it “Shawn” therefore it stuck.

Or so I believe. I could be wrong.

And don’t call me Junior.

*If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?*

Because “Planet of the Humans” would be such a boring movie.

*Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?*

Because bathwater is racist.

*Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?*

Shavuos. Everyone’s up all night learning Torah.

*Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?*

Because it’s fun to let the cool air blow in your face. Well, unless you’re a dog.

*Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?*

Because if you reposition it just right, maybe the vacuum will suck it up.

*Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?*

The designers are evil.

*How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?*

They fly above the enclosure where there’s a small crack where only something as tiny as a bug could get in. They promptly get zapped and die. Simple.

*When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, ‘It’s all right?’ Well, it isn’t all right, so why don’t we say, ‘That really hurt, why don’t you watch where you’re going?’*

Because it’s the polite thing to do and I don’t like arguing with strangers. Besides, if you make them angry, they might ram you again!

*Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that’s falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?*

What an excellent opportunity to see both Newton’s laws of motion and Murphy’s law in action at once!

*In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?*

Because it’s human nature to never be satisfied with what we’ve got. Straight-haired people always want curly hair and vice-versa.

*How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?*

Because fathers-in-law aren’t as temperamental.

Same here. Funny how the mirrors in the dentist’s office are always so much clearer…. And the nerve of the hygienist to tell me I need to clean MINE better (in ADDITION to my teeth, which looked fine in my mirror)!

Thank you, mods!

It’s the Ten Days of Repentance but I will laugh at this.

I highly recommend chiropractic care. Trust me, it’s worth it. I’d be the Hunchback of the Coffee Room if not for my chiropractor. Sitting up straight in front of my computer as I type away in the CR is a bit of a challenge. 😛

I’d be pretty creeped out if someone tried to “ship” me with someone at random like that, especially if it’s someone who barely knows me. I’m not a character in a fanfiction – I’m a real person, for goodness’ sake! You can’t just write out a “character” if the match you just tried to set up fails epically! (And there I go speaking nerd-style.)

Personally, I would only set up people if I knew they’d honestly have something in common; otherwise, I wouldn’t try to meddle with someone’s personal life like that. And, of course, I’d only say anything at all if they tell me they want my advice.

The two things I hear a lot are:

“You want?” This is as opposed to “Would you like this *insert thing here*?”

“Does your mommy let?” This is as opposed to “Does your mommy allow you to do this?”

I don’t know if I should bother correcting people when I hear this. Conversely, I can barely get by in Yiddish, so who am I to judge?

By the way, I’ve made such an effort to not say “I’m eating by the So-and-so’s this Shabbos.” I now say “I’m eating with…” because this thread has enlightened me. 🙂

@smartcookie – It’s smart to bake cookies on parchment paper too. 🙂

@Ender – gosh, you’re right…. I suppose ginger ale is my 2nd-favorite. Honestly, I don’t drink it so much but in the spirit of a sweet new year, I’ll probably have some soda over kiddush this yom tov. 🙂

I drink cream soda now. Cream sodas are cool.

Same! I’d also love to know!

Not to jinx your plans (Mazel Tov, btw!) but has anyone seen Tim Hawkins’s video about what songs NOT to play at a wedding? (He’s a goy, but his comedy skits are clean.) The video might bring a smile to your face if you’re getting overwhelmed by planning. 🙂

I did watch the video! 🙂 Now I’ve got the line “I’m so ‘frim'” running through my head…. I really enjoyed the shidduch date video too. Made me feel pretty self-conscious, as I happened to be wearing an ossur item called a denim skirt at the time that I saw it. 😀

Suggestion: Can your next video be a non-rap song? Maybe a parody of a classic rock song? Those are always fun to do.

This sounds yummy! I don’t like red peppers so much (unless they’re crushed and dried and on a pizza), but with this recipe, I just might reconsider…..

LOL! This name is already taken, you crack me up!!! 😀

And this is old, but frumladygit, I LOVE all of those ideas. The one about decorating the bus window reminds me of a scene in a Gadi Pollack comic book…. Anyone remember the one about that guy Fishel who went on a train?

My friend the raccoon agrees completely with you.

@Writersoul — I’d better prep next time, lol! He must’ve said “atem” but I mistyped “atah!” 😀 I dread the day when Justin Beaver (oh, did I accidentally call him that?) and Lady Gag Me become “oldies” too….

Orthodox shuls need to start davening to Beatles AND Dylan tunes!

I think Lenny Solomon’s helping to pave that path. It’d definitely make davening in shul a lot of fun, and I wouldn’t get as sleepy or unsure of where I’m going to next Shabbos when they start singing…. 😉

@The Frumguy — That’s so precious!

I love Liverpudlian accents — watching Help! really “helped” me to appreciate ’em. I saw a video on YouTube of Sir Paul encouraging the the Israeli audience to sing with him (“Atah shiru iti”) and then I smiled amusedly as the audience sang “Hey Jude” with Israeli accents…. 😀

@Hanab — Remember, Yoko Ono helped write that song, so if anything goes wrong, we could theoretically just blame her, right? 😛

I wouldn’t fret over the lyrics anyhow. 🙂 I think John just wanted the world to be a peaceful place, and his proposed solution was to eliminate all factors of this current world that he felt were causing unpeaceful controversy. If we could live in a world where people didn’t hurt others in the name of their bogus other religions (like Islam), I’d be pretty cool with that.

@Lakewood001 — Neither am I, to be honest. 😀 This one was a rare gem!

Hm…. That’d still be pretty uncomfortable. How would one break in a 6 inch velociraptor claw then? I wear one in my archaeologist’s satchel. 🙂