bein_hasdorim

It’s not hopeless, if you are sincere and consistant they well grow to respect you, and change themselves.

The best idea i could suggest is to change the subject with some interesting news or comment or question directed at the speaker. Like… did you hear so and so had a boy? or where did you put my tennis racket. usually this changes the subject, but if the person is infected they usually will turn that topic within 1 min to another lashon hora comment.

The best thing to do at that point is to just leave the room, go wash your face, or get a tissue, or just go for a walk.

I cannot begin to tell you the S’char one gets for avoiding L”H

and the pain, suffering, and tragedies they spare themselves and the rest of Klal Yisroel. If there is anything important to focus on now it is just that. It will make a person more sensitive in general and protect them from doing other sins as well.

Hatzlocha Rabboh!

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WIY; A real drunk walks around barefoot and thinks he’s wearing shoes. You haven’t seen anything till you see him trying to polish his feet! 😉

This Is my last post in this thread, at first I though the op sincerely wanted guidance or support for his opinion (if not to get a whole bunch of ppl worked up)

Now I can why some of the so many single guys, are still single.

I can also understand why there are so many single girls out there,

they deserve better. As a guy who IS a little picky,

I am ashamed at the extent to which some guys have taken this “less boys than girls” so let us sit around and dream up ridiculous reasons as to why to turn down girls.

I honestly think you should stick to your guns and say NO.

No good jewish girl deserves this baloney.

Flats are just as dressy as heels today, even more hip and popular. If you need a girl that still wears high heels all the time, special order from 1970, go date a girl from Williamsburg.

It’s like a puzzle really, when you put all your own pieces together, you know what piece is missing and would make you whole.

This is in Ruchnius mostly an Gashmiyus too.

Whom ever you feel and you can picture, with their ma’alos and yours together, can build a happy, healthy, Bayis Ne’man.

Daven to HB”H to open your eyes to realize who it is and to help you make the right decision.

Hatzlocha Rabboh!

collegegrad is actually right! In the past I was on the receiving end, as i was an older single and let me tell ya, we almost all had the same sentiment.

I’m all for what AYC said, but some of you just really don’t get it.

Let me explain it. If your best friend came over to you at the end of a chasunah, someone who knows you well, knows what you’re going through, and what you have gone through, and wishes you an emotional “IY”H BY YOU SOON!” not only would you not be bothered by it, you would only feel understood and appreciative of it .

Most people however who say it to you, it’s like a slogan, or a charity case. They scout out the Nebach’s in their eyes, Then make it their mission to give them their famous line, they don’t even feel who they’re talking to, or how sensitive the situation is.

The singles are at a wedding usually, QUITE AWARE OF THEIR OWN SINGLE STATUS, not only are they going through having mixed feelings of joy for the young couple, but at the same time pain for themselves when will I be Zoche to find my Basherte?

They also realize that almost everyone else who sees them is well aware of the fact that they are older and still single.

So what they really need is some halfhearted “IY”H BY YOU”

to REMIND THEM as if they don’t know, that they are older and everybody realizes that they need some serious help.

I am just as understanding as the next guy, maybe even more so,

but this is what happens when you are on the receiving end.

and even though this boy or girl will smile so widely and say Omein! Thank you so much! The bottom line is most people don’t

even really mean it so sincerely.

I mean, they want to make themselves feel better about the situation, so they go give a Big “IY”H by you” oh now I feel much better. I made the Nebach feel sooo good! Did you see how they smiled? “I am such a GOOD person.” Hello! were you even thinking about what you would say not to hurt their feelings?

Or were just trying to feel good about yourself, which i’m sure you accomplished. (Maybe not after reading this though.)

Now some of the self righteous ppl may say…

HOW can I say this?!!!

Was I so bitter when I was single that I thought everyone wasn’t sincere? I actually B”H wasn’t bitter, and I cherished every Brocha, maybe not the intent of some, never the less,

“Shelo Thei Birchas Hedyot Kal B’einecho”.

However, all I can say is this, Chazal say

“Devorim Hayotzim min Halev, Nichnasim El Halev.”

If somehow, many, and I mean “many” singles say the same thing,

that it hurts them and doesn’t help, that means people don’t have real sensitivity to singles, nor do they put themselves really in their shoes for the long haul, imagining what it would be like to be single for many years, having all their friend married, with kids, while and their own dreams are put on hold.

If these well wishers were really sincere, their wishes would be accepted with pure joy and appreciation.

The same way these shtible hoppers go to 3 Chasunas a week, pop in, say their Mazel Tov! and leave just a quickly, do they really FEEL the major Simcha of their neighbor, or are they just going through the motions?

This is especially important when the person your telling ” IY”H by you” Is not intoxicated with their own Simcha so as not to notice your insincere manner. This is someone who is clearly aware of their situation, especially amplified at this very moment when they are in attendance at someone elses Simcha, an occasion that they are still waiting patiently on line for a very long time.

So collegegrad; I remember, and I owe it to you and other singles,

as I never really expressed publicly what I, and my friends

have endured. Nor explained clearly to those who basically mean well though their actions are not though out clearly, or sentiment expressed sincerely.

May I say a heartfelt (**”* ** ***!)

I should hope Chaim’s daughters attended. If not that’s suspicious.

i said so; I’m not saying it is very wise, i’m saying there are reasons. Though what if ones Bashert is a family friend, why should they avoid who they know is nice and are sure about the family and happy w/ them.

I will say this though, If it’s not something special, and you don’t feel the personality is such a match or don’t find them attractive, then it is foolish to get into s/t that has a weak potential for success and big potential for fights or hurt feelings.

There is whole discussion about Tuna fish and why it’s not a problem what they eat and that it stays in their stomach, cuz of how long it takes them to bring up the nets and that it stomach is digesting its contents way after it has been caught enough time to digest everything. So Tuna shouldn’t be a problem LH”D.

WIY; agreed to agree, and I guess DZ agrees too!

If we can get one more we’ll bl”n make a kiddush in the CR.

aries2756; Who said a/t bout Tatties not helping? It’s Kavod Shabbos were talking about and everyone has to help. You also have to help if its Kavod Ishto. Chazal are very clear about this, besides it being common decency.

WIY; unless they’re “head over heels!” 😉

am yisrael chai; I think the Faltshe fish Minhag started as soon as fish started talking.

1) It is the minhag Hamakom today for many if not most people to walk around at home without shoes.

2) It is not the Minhag Hamakom of Minhag Aveilus here today to walk around without shoes or slippers.

Idk about barefoot though.

aries2756; I hear you. I meant more like a young wife going alone to miami to lie on the beach for a week, not her mother.

I wasn’t talking about ruchnius trips either for husband or the spouse. Im nostly really talking about where just the place and setting already sounds potentially problematic.

A wife or even a husband going alone for a week to Vegas on business. Vegas isn’t a town popular for its Ruchnius.

There is a Yetzer Horah, and going to his home field is not wise,

even if you’ve done it before w/o messing up that doesn’t

give you immunity, otc, it only makes every time more dangerous.

If her posts sound consistently sane, and she seemed wise, good hashkafah, why wouldn’t you consider it?

Wouldn’t you rather have a girl who hangs out in a virtual coffee room listening to wise people such as yourself,

as opposed to hanging out in an actual bar or hangout,

hearing dumb pickup lines from dumberer nebach’s?

I hear you, but I actually agree with your Rov.

Although I don’t know if your post is serious, I do have much experience in this area, I honestly am shocked at your friends advice. Get wiser friends. Either they are very young, fresh out of the freezer, or similar, then I understand the inexperience.

If they are older than 23, then dude! Don’t take their advice in dating. It’s your future, not theirs, get some wiser counsel.

I don’t think you should let a pair of high heels, come between you and your potential life partner. Flats are cool too, and super comfortable. So be cool!

Wishing you much Hatzlacha in finding your Bashert.

truthsharer; Good point, I have no Koach tonight to get all worked up.

The point about hating TRUE b’nei torah even young ones,

is sad but true. It has been a problem for many generations.

It’s just sick that now it is many so called religious people, who hate, as opposed to then when it was tzedokim, maskilim, zionists or other non orthodox jews.

If you really love HB”H you wouldn’t be able to hate TRUE Bnei Torah!

Yeah, how about couples saying “our marriage is so strong I don’t mind if the other flirts shamelessly.”

aries2756; strong marriages are built by being faithful,

and really connecting to your spouse, and strong marriages can crumble too. Being irresponsible, or putting oneself into a situation that can lead to inappropriate behavior, or temptation,

Is not a recipe for continuing a strong marriage.

Chazal have rules in certain situations in where being with one’s spouse has the power to protect from certain behavior.

It is clear that without being with ones spouse one can easily fall prey to halachic as well as marital problems.

I’m not saying yes or no, i’m just saying be aware of what it can cause. Giving a free pass to someone who has a strong marriage to do something that may undermine that very close bond, is unsettling.

To the 5% of good female drivers, we are not talking about you.

I personally wish there were more of out there.

However in my driving experiences, most of the time when I have an erratic driver ahead of me or one that may as well be going reverse or riding a mechanical pony, when I pull up to wave and smile, 90% of the time it is female driver or a senior citizen.

The other almost 10% weres male drivers on the phone.

Now if i’m really lucky and running very late I might get the opportunity to exchange pleasantries in passing with a female senior citizen “operating” (if you can call it that) a motor vehicle, or to them spaceship is a more appropriate term.

At other times. Sincerely. Not when it is still fresh and they are still angry.

When there are conflicting sources, and minhagim, one should do what they are comfortable doing if they don’t have a minhag on that.

Unless they are Choshes for the negative outcome, than don’t be a wise guy and don’t do it.

passion4music; I heard it is mentioned in the Zohar not to keep hands behind the back for it brings dinim on the person.

WIY; Thanks for saving me the trouble.

There’s a famous question as to why do Chazal say Gadol Hametzuveh V’oseh Mi’mi Sheino Metzuvah V’oseh! It would seems kind of contrary to logic.

There are many answers, one of which Tosafos brings that one who is not commanded, doesn’t have a strong Yetzer Horah on that thing.

That is why it is not such a big deal to do something your weren’t commanded as opposed to someone who was commanded, do this, or don’t do that.

It is interesting to note that a big problem today with Ehrliche girls on the market who cannot or do not want to support, is that although they want a working guy, most of the working guys they

date don’t meet up to their Hashkafa and Ruchnius’dige needs.

These girls complain about this, or sometimes R”L settle for a guy that is less frum than themselves.

All you Big Lamdanim here who are bashing good guys,

(probably so proud of yourselves that you work and still go to a shiur sometimes)

why is it can you tell me that most working boys aren’t so shtark in their haskafah, learning seders (if any) or what they like to do or places they frequent in their free time.

Why is it that those serious B’nei Torah in yeshiva are still shtark, (maybe not in your eyes, for in your eyes shtark is measured in dollar $IGN$)

as opposed to most of the working boys?

What makes a girl good? That she has a job & doesn’t hang out?!!

Whew! That’s tough these days. Nobody likes money. Especially girls, who absolutely abhor shopping, looking nice, dressing up.

Most girls DO NOT get to go to a good school like Bais Yaakov and get a good education about being aidel & Tzanua like all the other girls did hundreds of years ago.

It’s not like they get out of school earlier than boys and are bored and need to get a job. It isn’t even like a style or like there’s any peer pressure to get an education or go to work.

We all know that most girls don’t get a job or education these days. All they do is sit home and bake cookies, and have meetings with other girls discussing recipes and how much better they are than boys today.

Although this is a serious post, there is much sarcasm in it, if you missed it, it may be confusing for you, I apologize.

Shticky Guy; I though you were talking about quintuplets.

I was gonna send you a check. Oh well, maybe now Yitzy Bald will.

I guess we’ll have to wait for the next one for this thread to be relevant. May it never come.

Shhh..Tiger; I missed the sale? Where was this going on?

Brooklyn, or Queens? Why am I always the last to know?

Whoever got a big Metziya due to this sale please, please, post.

Thank you!