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LOL
(Sorry, as the resident single here, I just think this post is funny)
(what do you think singles do ALL THE TIME??? Their spouse is never home… just sayin’)
Sorry, didn’t mean to go off topic.
Pray, let’s continue giving support to a poor married woman who has to cope with being alone for 2-3 days.
DaasYochid: ‘Reasonable’ means whatever they are able to agree on, based on their budget and what they feel they can afford. ‘Reasonable’ can mean different things to different people.
Honestly, I think that feeling pretty and attractive is more about how you feel then about the price about something. If she feels that a pre-worn sheitel is something that she doesn’t want, then she won’t feel attractive in it, however beautiful it might be. I know, it sounds irrational, but feelings aren’t rational, and this is about the way she feels. And feeling attractive and pretty is important to most women (they all define ‘attractive and pretty’ differently, and they all need different things in varying price ranges to feel attractive and pretty).
Golfer: Great answers.
Peanut Butter Pie:
MIcrowave a container of Marshmallow fluff and a container of chunky peanut butter for 1-2 mins until soft.
Mix them together
Pour into pie crust and let it set in the fridge.
Voila!
Picturesq:
‘How do you get around it? Not giving the guy (the potential date) your age? What is he told when he asks how old the proposed girl is?’
I get around the question by answering as I outlined above (Ie. ‘I date guys between the ages of X and Y’)
I’m not saying age isn’t something that we use as a ballpark. I’m just saying that A) it’s a sensitive question, so tread carefully. And B) You (potential shadchan/peson trying to set someone up) don’t actually have to know our exact age. A range is enough – ie if the girl dates guys between 28 and 36, that gives you an idea of her age and gives you a ballpark in which to look.
If the guy wants to know how old the girl is- you then do really need a specific number, you can then call the girl and say the guy is X years old, he wants to know how old you are- what would you like me to tell him?
Oomis: Amein- thank you for the good wishes.
O, and one more thought (apologies for the long posts here):
To all of you who said things like ‘whats the big deal with age?’ and ‘people ask me all the time, I don’t have a problem with it’
This is the big deal with our age: That little number can often mean the difference between a date (read: hope, a chance that our situation might change) and sitting at home with no dates.
Married people/people not in shidduchim don’t feel like their future depends on a number- single people do.
So, yes it’s a very loaded question to us. We know that guys say no to certain ages, but will say yes to someone 6 months younger because their age is a lower number.
The reason it is difficult to deal with, is that age- of all the factors taken into account when considering whether to marry someone, has the least meaning when it comes to a persons character and good spouse potential (unless you consider old age a good thing because it comes with life experience).
We all know why a guy asks how old the girl is- he wants to know where her biological clock is up to- and we all understand that. But just remember that you are reminding us of this painful fact when you ask us that question. So be careful with it.
Just some thoughts. Sorry if they are a bit raw- but this is just a tiny window into the inner life of some singles out there. (I can’t speak for all of them- but I know myself and my friends).
Oomis: Retraction noted. No offense taken, I realize that many people have no idea what the inner life of a single feels like- hence my attempt to enlighten you all here.
While singles are generally not ashamed to be single, it is very difficult to function in our society, and be accorded the same acceptance and respect as our married counterparts. We are often looked at as children with no life experience, just because we happen to not yet have had the marriage experience.
Unfortunately, most of us have had many other, often difficult and growth-inducing experiences and are often more mature than our married peers, partly because of our Nisayon. However, society continues to treat us like children, and it can often feel demeaning.
This is in addition to the humiliation of well meaning shadchanim, offering us their unsolicited advice (read: criticism), being broken up with by guys, having well-meaning people poke into our lives in an effort to help, etc.
So, when you think about all that coming our way (and I haven’t even mentioned family pressure etc) sometimes all we want is to get out and be allowed to function as a normal adult, without a big neon ‘SINGLE- FOR SALE’ sign above our heads. We are generally successful at that, but then we get stopped, mid- (whatever we are doing to try and stay sane) and are asked how old we are. And while we understand the necessity of these questions, this is what we are thinking: Thanks for reminding me that I’m single, I was trying just for a few hours, to not think about it and just feel like a regular person for a while. Shame. How old am I? O yes, I’m X years old. Only Y amount of years left on my biological baby clock- help!!! (yes, I’ve been in the parsha for X-20 years, is this EVER going to end??). etc etc.
Just some thoughts that go through the head of a single.
We always appreciate that the person asking is trying to help, and is generally well-meaning, however to those of you out there wondering about this- please see my tips above about how to be more sensitive (without making us feel nebach) and try to be as respectful and non-intrusive as you can, while still helping as much as you are able.
We really do appreciate it- even if it doesn’t work out- your efforts may have given a single hope for a minute, day or week or two, and even if it didn’t lead him/her to the chuppa this time, it still has value in keeping the single feeling good and hopeful for a small amount of time. And hope is not to be underestimated. (obviously false hope, or silly suggestions are a waste of time and are annoying and hurtful) but a suggestion that comes in a sensitive way, that is followed up on promptly is always appreciated.
Thank you all for your concern and willingness to help.
Poster: First of all, thanks for trying to help!
If that is what happened, you can call and tell her you looked into the idea and that it wasn’t shayech, but that you will continue to keep her in mind.
You don’t need to tell her it’s because of something you saw on her resume- you can just keep it vague and let her think it’s because you looked into the guy, and didn’t think he was appropriate for her…
Oomis: Sorry but I strongly disagree with this statement “If she is too sensitive to answer what is a very basic and legitimate question, she is not serious about wanting to find her bashert.”
She may have just had a birthday, and be VERY sensitive about it. She may have recently been broken up with by a guy because of her age, or had some other unpleasant experience related to her age.
Trust me, she is likely VERY serious about finding her Bashert, but is just feeling sensitive about her age.
Have some sensitivity, and be careful about how you go about obtaining this info (See my comments above). You can also ask other people who are close with her (other co-workers, friends etc, or ask for a resume).
Golfer: Thank you for trying to suggest shidduchim!
When someone calls me asks me for a resume and some questions, suggests it to the guy and then they don’t hear anything from him- I appreciate it when the person calls me back and tells me that they forwarded the resume and the answers to the questions and that they haven’t heard back, but will let me know as soon as they do.
It’s a nice thing to do so that the single knows where things are at. The person suggesting the shidduch can’t be responsible for the behavior of the guy, but they can be transparent, and communicate that they did indeed forward the info to the guy (and didn’t forget about it) so that the single isn’t left wondering.
This also leaves the person making the suggestion looking good, instead of leaving the single wondering if the person making the suggestion was just fishing, was insincere, changed their mind, etc.
Picturesq: I’m not saying NOT to ask any personal questions, I’m saying be mindful and sensitive, make sure you absolutely need the info you are asking for, and preface your questions as I outlined above so that you don’t overstep boundaries and let the single maintain their dignity.
Popa: My answer to ‘How old are you?’ is ‘I am looking to date a guy between the ages of X and Y’. If someone really wants to help, that is enough information for them.
(unless i’m in a doctors office 😉 in that case I write it down on a piece of paper and give it to them, no need for the whole office to hear how old I am. Ditto for the pharmacy).
Poster and oyyoyyoy: Please don’t stop suggesting shidduchim to single men and women- we need you to set us up- just try and be mindful of boundaries and our dignity. Most of us are mature professionals. Just like you wouldn’t start asking your doctor all sorts of personal questions, be mindful that you don’t make us uncomfortable, while trying to help us. Thank you for trying!
If you care about getting the single married and have a really good idea for him/her, ask someone else to suggest it- they can say that someone asked them to suggest it, and that he/she can call you for more info if they are comfortable doing so.
Ok I seem to be the only female single here.
Yes, it’s very uncomfortable to be asked by pretty random people, pretty personal information, such as your age. When in Shidduchim, you don’t have the option of telling someone to get lost, as you don’t want to be viewed as difficult or rude, so you generally find yourself in a position of being asked all sorts of questions with almost no gracious way out of having to answer.
Some tips for those kind, well meaning people, looking to help a single find his/her bashert (thank you for trying to help!!):
Make sure the setting is appropriate (if you’re not sure whether the person is comfortable discussing personal topics at that time/place, ask for their number and if it would be ok to call to discuss an idea you have). Obviously, if you do ask for their number, you MUST follow up!!! I hope I don’t need to explain this one!
If/when you do feel that you must know certain things, preface it with, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking’ OR ‘I understand if you don’t want to divulge this info, but do you mind my asking…’ OR ‘who can I speak to about …’.
With regard to age: No, do not be so direct- instead, show some sensitivity and ask ‘within what age range do you usually date’ of both sides, that will give you the answer. (If the guy will for example only date girls younger than age X and you are unsure whether the girl is X+1, X or X-1, you can tell the girl that guy will only date girls who are X or younger and she can let you know if she feels that she is appropriate.) You do not really need to know the exact age, just within what range to look or consider candidates for this person. It’s really not your business. Leave singles their dignity and don’t invade their privacy by asking questions that you don’t really need to know the answer to.
To some of you, not familiar with the level of pain and anxiety that (female?) singles function under on a constant basis, this might seem strange and over done, but trust me- most singles (esp the females) are self-conscious about their age). And as we are at the mercy of society to set us up, we are not in the position to tell people that their questions are intrusive and inappropriate. So please, have some sensitivity and at the very least preface your questions with, ‘I hope you don’t mind me asking…’.
(FYI: Yes we do mind you asking, but we appreciate you acknowledging the intrusion, and thus preserving some of our dignity by your attempt to be sensitive).
It’s always better to be oversensitive to the feelings of others, than to be insensitive and risk hurting people who are already hurting so much inside.
I also agree with Poppa: If you have a professional relationship with the single, have someone else make the suggestion. As a single, there is nothing more awkward than having someone with whom you have a professional relationship with (ie. the mother of a student or client) set you up, or/and be the in between person etc only to have it not work out in some unpleasant way, and to then have to continue your professional relationship with them. Trust me. Been there done that. Really awkward.
Define ‘resonably priced’…
ultimateskier- LOVE it!!
Nechomah: I beg to differ: This type of linguistics is generally found among people with eastern european backgrounds who are generally yiddish speakers. These types of grammatical mistakes are usually due to literal translation from yiddish.
Second PBA- If you have a pretty much guaranteed job at the end of it, and someone is footing the tuition bill… what’s the question?
Sounds to me like you’re worried about doing well enough to not disappoint yourself/wife and your shver…
I guess you will only know if you try…
O Sorry, didn’t realize I couldn’t paste links. If you want to find the Johnny Walker book- google ‘Johnny Walker Spy family book’ and look on amazon – they have it.
O, also The Prime Ministers- by Yehuda Avner- it’s a must read and will keep you busy for a loooong time 😉
Great topic- I also have a hard time finding clean books to read that are written well.
This was clean and a good read: Johnny Walker no links
Also, try the books by Malcolm Gladwell (Blink, The Outliers and The Tipping Point). All reasonably clean and interesting.
I don’t know what your preferences are but I have all the books I’ve read, saved on my library profile so I can send you some, if you tell me a bit about yourself (male/female??) and what type of books you like to read.
Like
I was there too- and had a great time!
While we’re on this topic, I’ve been wondering for a while about using powder with a brush on shabbes.
Can anyone tell me if they’ve asked a shaila or/and they know what the halacha is on using a brush to brush on:
A) Translucent powder
B) Colored powder (Blush/Bronzer)
(think Bare Minerals)
I will of course ask a proper shaila to my rov, but just wanted to get some background before I ask.
Thanks.
Popa: Don’t judge a woman’s need to feel fashionable and attractive under the constraints of tsniyus.
It’s really hard to be tsiniyus and feel fashionable- so if this is one way to help women feel halachically tsiniyus and good about themselves, please don’t judge them. Even if you happen not to approve of denim skirts or whatever.
And just FYI- there are plenty of denim skirts that are not tight, form fitting or too short.
To each their own…
I can vouch for Hasofer.com I know the owner and some of the sofrim there personally and they are very frum, and do high quality safrus. I know many very chashuva people (including my own father and brothers) who get their tefillin and tashmishei kdusha there.
But as you don’t know me, I don’t know if that is worth much… you can call them and talk to the owner R’Moshe Flumenbaum. He is american and speaks English.
Oy vey, grey socks??? What is going to be next? a striped shirt??? What is the world coming to???
Definitely break up with him. Anyone who wears grey socks is unfit to be a husband, father or any type of member of society really…
I assume this is a pre-purim prank.
If it’s not, then I’m gonna cry.
My first cousin got married, got a great videographer, who was at all the important moments… got all the shots…
Except after dessert was done……he realized that he forgot to take the cap off the lens and while the camera was on the whole time, nothing was filmed from the whole wedding.
So all they got was the last 30 mins of the wedding…
I don’t know what my aunt and uncle did or didn’t get by way of compensation. We were all upset, but felt so bad for the guy for an honest mistake. He felt terrible too…
I tried looking for the story- what site is it on?
Cheftze: They are actually verrrry friendly both to males and females when they come around… I think if they want to be a bit more sensitive and considerate to people, they can re-channel their usual forwardness to a quick glimpse at the females finger…
Bobbys cow: sorry- that was an editing error 😉 thanks for pointing it out.
Cheftze: 1) Oisek B’mitsva, potur min hamitsva- being busy trying to get married is a mitsva so that would make him patur from tseddaka- I can check with a competent LOR on that one, but I’m pretty sure that is what they would say.
2) Tseddaka is a mitsva, but making people uncomfortable is an aveira… and I don’t think it’s the breslave bochurim’s place to push someone to do a mitsva at the wrong time and place at the cost of 2 other people’s discomfort.
PS: Just realized that someone might need to teach the breslave bochurim how to figure out if a couple is married or on a date- they just need to check the girls left hand- if there are no wedding/engagement rings there then move on to the next table!
Whether or not the content is torah-dik or not, I have one pet peeve that I need to share.
Can someone please educate the bochurim who hand them out in restaurants, that it is really not nice to put dates on the spot for Tseddaka. The breslave bochurim often come over when I’m out on a date, and we are interrupted by a bochur, pushing us for tseddakka and wanting to give us a booklet. It is really unfair to put the guy on the spot like that, and it is VERY awkward for both the guy and girl… especially when the bochur, then wishes us Mazel tov, or ‘hatslacha’ (wink wink).
Just thinking about it makes me cringe.
Yes, I know some of you will comment that I get to see how the guy reacts yada yada, but there are plenty of other opportunities to see what the guy is made of, and this is just completely cringable… aside from the interruption which is just annoying.
Please don’t get me wrong, when I’m out with my friends, I don’t mind it half as much and sometimes even give them some $$, but on a date, it adds unnecessary awkwardness to an already awkward situation.
If anyone has any connection to any breslavers that are involved with this- it would be a mitsva to pass this on to them- I’m sure they are just not aware…
Thanks!
Adams: It is a lot more difficult than you would think to point out something negative to a date. A girl on a date is in quite a difficult position. If she isn’t careful the guy could get very insulted, and the date can become very awkward, even when said very tactfully.
And, in my experience, it’s always easy to come up with suggestions and solutions after the fact. Very often, when one is in the situation as it is happening, it is very difficult to think clearly through the wave of pain and confusion that comes washing over you as it is happening.
And in the back of your mind, you don’t want to do or say anything that will be misconstrued or distorted and then get reported back to the shadchan, or worse, his 5 best friends.
If the relationship progresses, sometimes something can be carefully said, but again, it takes great presence of mind and very careful wording to know how and what to say.
Trust me, easier said than done.
O, and Pink- you are definitely NOT crazy- there are hundreds of girls out there who feel the same way. And yes, they are also getting the same ridiculous reactions from the marrieds around them (you are too picky, you need to look at the inside etc etc). Someone I know said that being single is the least understood Tsa’ar out there… don’t expect them to understand- they aren’t going to. But don’t let them make you feel like it’s somehow you’re fault or that you are doing something wrong. You are not, and there is nothing wrong with you. Trust your gut- G-d put it there for a reason.
Hi,
I just wanted to add my 2 cents- from a seasoned dater. Unfortunately, I don’t think you are being too picky, or nitpicking and hearing that many happily married men, were once ‘bad daters’ really doesn’t help.
I don’t think your problem is with bad daters, you are probably mature enough to be able to see past that and would recognize a diamond in the rough if it/he came your way.
Rather, yes, unfortunately, the guys are not of the same calibre as the girls and (if I may, on behalf of all those other frustrated girls out there) we just need to carry on trying or/and try and be more flexible about our criteria for who we date.
I know this is counter-intuitive, but after years of dating, I look back and wish I had been more flexible when I was younger.
I don’t want to turn this into a long preaching rant so all I’ll say is, yes I totally commiserate with you. It’s an awful feeling when you feel so disappointed, time after time, and start realizing that the guys you are being suggested just don’t measure up in the most basic of ways (and I mean, really basic).
But don’t try to remedy that by ‘tightening’ your criteria. Rather try and think outside the box if you can so you have a wider pool of guys who may have the good qualities that you are looking for.
In the meantime, go get yourself some ice cream, chocolate or a new pair of shoes to fill up that painful void. It’s not enough, I know but on the short term, it takes the edge of that horrible ache.
Hatslacha- I hope you find the right one soon, and until then, HaShem should bensh you with the strength to deal with this.
Soliek: I completely agree.
It would be so nice if everyone here knew how to write English so I could actually understand what they are trying to say. Correct punctuation would be really nice too.
O, and one more pet peeve… please don’t refer to the people dating as ‘kids’ or ‘children’. Surely if they are old enough to get married, they shouldn’t be referred to as ‘kids’?
Moi Aussi- I agree with you. My chocolates (which are amazing) are Belgian- which is the capital of the chocolate truffles. The best (Chalav Yisrael, parev and milchig) truffles (aka bonbons) are from Kleinblatt in Antwerp.
Chocolate Charm from Toronto are great too- the best I’ve come across in North America.
Parev is a different story- you can get very good, high end chocolate (with a hechsher) from Whole Foods and other gourmet stores. I’ve had Green & Blacks, Lindt (both currently only kosher in England I think), Scharffenberger and they are all great. Get the 70% or 80%. Don’t go any higher as they have very low sugar content if they are 90% cocoa or more and don’t taste so good.
Opinions123: Well said. On behalf or myself and all of my single friends- thank you for saying it.
Englishman: Great idea to do away with the need for shadchanim and put them out of business!
Not sure how comfortable I’d feel on the auction block tho 😉
LOL
Girls all over are throwing up… get the doctors in…fast.
I think we have an epidemic here…
Oy vey, ppl, leave the guy alone!!!
He just had a bad date!!! can we have some sympathy and support?
Or at least, just let the guy have a drink…. without the guilt trip!
So, my answer is a resounding yes. It’s ok to have a drink (or two) after a bad date or dumping.
… my humble advice to you would be though…. don’t advertise it.
Lotsa ppl do it… there aren’t many ways to stay sane and date… this is one of them… but shh! don’t tell anyone, bc anyone who isn’t dating and hasn’t been dumped… won’t get it!!!
O, and BTW, by way of rabbanim… I/ we (my friends) have asked many sheilos over the years about what you are allowed to do to stay sane while dating and most rabbanim were surprisingly lenient. So really, lay off the guilt.
You can go to shul the next morning like any other person and ask HaShem for more strength to cope with your nisayon. But in the meantime, in that raw, right after it happens moment… drink and then just head to sleep.
Just don’t make too much of a habit of it, dating and getting dumped I mean. O and then drinking.
As Keen said: The problem is more with the airline and security than with immigration when you get there.
(You will probably get pulled out of the security line and ‘interrogated’ bc you are on a one way ticket- it’s a big red flag for security).
But I would use Nechomah’s trick if you have to and just buy and then cancel a ticket- that will take care of the airline but not of security- just keep your story simple, don’t lie and don’t let their questions confuse you.
If you are going to do that make sure A) that you get to the airport on time (early) so that you have time for them to give you a hard time/ buy the ticket etc, B) you have a credit card with enough credit on it so that you can afford to buy a (really expensive) non-discounted/business ticket (that you will later cancel) and C) you ask them exactly what you need to do in order to cancel the ticket.
G’luck
PS: let us know what happened- I’m interested to know.
Hi,
It sounds like you would like help with something but are not comfortable talking to your parents about the issue.
If that is so, why don’t you just tell them that.
I.e. ‘there is something that is bothering me/ that I’m worried about, and I’d like to talk to a professional about- can you help me (literally and financially) find someone confidential to talk to?’
If you go to the website of relief (reliefhelp.org) you will find their contact info and you (or your parents) can call and ask for a referral. They are completely confidential and can tell you which therapists take insurance or have a sliding scale fee schedule.
If your parents can’t/won’t help you, don’t be afraid to call Relief on your own, if this is something important, you should take care of it now, before it becomes something bigger…. and if it turns out to be nothing, then you’ll be able to relax and not worry about it anymore.
Hatslacha!
Hysterical – thanks for the laugh Goq!
Are mass emails better or worse than mass texts?
I never knew that it says that you have to have a shadchan- interesting- can anyone explain why that is?
Mytake: Great post LOL 😉
Coffee addict: if she (the mother) had her (the child) before she was M’gayer- then the child would have been born to a non-jewish mother and would have had to m’gayer herself… so then the child would be a Ger.
So, I think it’s obvious that the poster’s question is about a mother who was M’gayer and then had the child. Which means, that for the purpose of this discussion, the Kohen can marry this child, just like he could marry any child born to any other Jewish mother.
Correct?
As far as I know, there is no halachic problem with that- but let’s see what the other posters say.
Anyone know for sure what the halacha is on this?