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Q. Where is the first baseball game in the Bible?
A. In the big inning. Eve stole first, Adam stole second. Cain struck out Abel. The Giants and the Angels were rained out.
Q. How did Adam and Eve feel when expelled from the Garden of Eden?
A. They were really put out.
Q. The ark was built in 3 stories, and the top story had a window to let light in, but how did they get light to the bottom 2 stories?
A. They used floodlights.
Q. Why didn’t Noah go fishing?
A. He only had two worms!
Q. Who is the greatest baby-sitter mentioned in the Bible?
A. David: he rocked Goliath to sleep.
Q. Why was Goliath so surprised when David hit him with a slingshot?
A. The thought had never entered his head before.
Q. If Goliath is resurrected, would you like to tell him the joke about David and Goliath?
A. No, he already fell for it once.
Q. Who was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?
A. Moses, because he broke all 10 commandments at once.
Q. Which area of the Land of Israel was especially wealthy?
A. The area around the Jordan: the banks were always overflowing.
Q. Where is the first tennis match mentioned in the Bible?
A. When Joseph served in Pharaoh’s court.
Q. Which Biblical character had no parents?
A. Joshua, son of Nun.
i actually put choclate milk over my cocoa puffs sometimes or even chocolate syrup over then milk. what can i say im a chocoholic
i have a teacher that last year we heard this ringing noise through the vents and we decided to pretend it was a phone going off in class so we took my friend scientific calculator and pretended it was a phone over and over sometimes he would “answer” it sometimes i would she nvr caught on she actually told us to put it away and stop eventually we decided to let her in on the joke as the whole class knew but when we told oh its just a calculator she smiled and said oh that’s so funny (with a smile in an amused voice) now turn it off and put it away (in a serious and annoyed voice) she thought we were joking about it being a calculator from then on occasionally we would still get “calls” on the “phone” and she nvr realized till the end of the year
all these famous magicians have to up their game cuz i just saw the best one yet he ran into the middle of the street ripped open his shirt yelled allah huakbar and made himself and 30 other people disappear
For those who frequent Chinese restaurants and see the placemats showing the Chinese zodiac (you know, the year of the rat, the year of the monkey, etc.) – well, here is the official Jewish equivalent. Now you can find out who you are.
THE YIDDISH ZODIAC
The Year of CHICKEN SOUP
1907, 1919, 1931, 1943, 1955, 1967, 1979, 1991, 2003
You’re a healer, nourishing all whom you encounter. We feel better just being in your presence. Mothers want to bring you home to meet their children – resist this at all costs. Compatible with Bagel and Knish.
The Year of EGG CREAM
1908, 1920, 1932, 1944, 1956, 1968, 1980, 1992, 2004
You’ve got a devious personality, since you’re made with neither eggs nor cream. Friends find your pranks refreshing; others think you’re too frothy. Compatible with Blintz, who also has something to hide.
The Year of CHOPPED LIVER
1909, 1921, 1933, 1945, 1957, 1969, 1981, 1993, 2005
People either love you or hate you, making you wonder, “What am I, chopped liver?” But don’t get a complex; you’re always welcome at the holidays! Bagel’s got your back.
The Year of BLINTZ
1910, 1922, 1934, 1946, 1958, 1970, 1982, 1994, 2006
Creamy and dreamy, you’re rightfully cautious to travel in pairs. You play it coy, but word is that, with the right topping, you turnover morning, noon and night. Compatible with Schmear.
The Year of LATKE
1911, 1923, 1935, 1947, 1959, 1971, 1983, 1995, 2007
Working class with a grating exterior, you’re a real softie on the inside. Kind of plain naked, but when dressed up you’re a real dish. Compatible with Schmear’s cousin Sour Cream.
The Year of BAGEL
1912, 1924, 1936, 1948, 1960, 1972, 1984, 1996, 2008
You’re pliable and always bounce back, although you feel something’s missing in your center. If this persists, get some therapy. Compatible with Schmear and Lox. Latke and Knish, not so much.
The Year of PICKLE
1913, 1925, 1937, 1949, 1961, 1973, 1985, 1997, 2009
You’re the perfect sidekick: friends love your salty wit and snappy banter, but you never overshadow them. That shows genuine seasoning from when you were a cucumber. Marry Pastrami later in life.
The Year of SCHMEAR
1914, 1926, 1938, 1950, 1962, 1974, 1986, 1998, 2010
You blend well with others but often spread yourself too thin. A smooth operator, you could use some spicing up now and then. Compatible with Bagel and Lox. Avoid Pastrami – wouldn’t be kosher.
The Year of PASTRAMI
1915, 1927, 1939, 1951, 1963, 1975, 1987, 1999, 2011
Brisket’s hipper sibling, always smokin’ and ready to party. You spice up life, even if you keep your parents up at night. Compatible with Pickle, who’s always by your side.
The Year of BLACK AND WHITE COOKIE
1916, 1928, 1940, 1952, 1964, 1976, 1988, 2000, 2012
Kids love you, but make up your mind! Are you black or white? Cake or cookie? You say you’re “New Age,” all yin & yang. We call it “bipolar.” Sweetie, you’re most compatible with yourself.
The Year of KNISH
1917, 1929, 1941, 1953, 1965, 1977, 1989, 2001, 2013
Flaky on the surface, you’re actually a person of depth and substance. Consider medical or law school, but don’t get too wrapped up in yourself. Compatible with Pickle. Avoid Lox, who’s out of your league.
The Year of LOX
1918, 1930, 1942, 1954, 1966, 1978, 1990, 2002, 2014
Thin and rich, you’re very high maintenance: all you want to do is bask in the heat, getting some color. Consider retiring to Boca. Compatible with Bagel and Schmear, although you top them both.
Moishie thinks about this, and then says, “Well then why is the groom wearing black?”
his son was sick with cancer and later you see the kid walking with a full head of hair fully cured
The Diet Guide to the Jewish Holidays:
Rosh Hashanah
FeastTzom Gedalia
FastYom Kippur
More fastingSukkot
Feast for a week +Hashanah Rabba —- More feasting
Simchat Torah
Keep right on feastingMonth of Heshvan
No feasts or fasts for a whole month. Get a grip on yourself.Hanukkah
Eat potato pancakesTenth of Tevet
Do not eat potato pancakesTu B’Shevat
FeastFast of Esther
FastPurim
Eat pastryPassover
Do not eat pastry for a weekShavuot
Dairy feast (cheesecake, blintzes, etc.)17th of Tammuz
Fast (definitely no cheesecake or blintzes)Tisha B’Av
Serious fast (don’t even think about cheesecake or blintzes)Month of Elul
End of cycle.Enroll in Center for Eating Disorders before High Holidays arrive again.
A rabbi was waiting in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump.
Selma Epstein, a very gracious old lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother Herman in another part of the country.
The “MythBusters” send a cannonball crashing through a nearby house as an experiment takes a wrong turn
oh yeah kapusta’s was a funny that is definetly one of the great ones and its from the 2nd eragon book(eldest)if i recall correctly
Rabbi Chaim Rosenberg was fresh out of rabbinical school and took up a post as Assistant Rabbi at congregation Beth Israel.
The couples stared at Rabbi Rosenberg blankly.
One day Chaim Yankel Sapperstein decided that he wanted to learn how to do the laundry. He started with his sweatshirt.
Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to his wife, “What setting do I use on the washing machine?”
“It depends,” she replied. “What does it say on your sweatshirt?”
He yelled back, “Nike.”
YUMMY CUPCAKE I WAS GONNA SAY THAT
One Shabbat morning, the rabbi noticed little Moishie Goldberg was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the shul. The plaque was covered with names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of it. The seven-year-old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the rabbi walked up, stood beside him and said quietly, “Good shabbos, Moishie.”
“Good shabbos, rabbi,” replied the young man, still focused on the plaque. “Rabbi Kaplan, what is this?” Moishie asked.
“Well, son, it’s a memorial to all the men and women who have died in the service.”
issur giyora- that is so freakin funny i hope she has another name than meth when she has to write her english name
i know sumone named gavriel gavriel***. dont wanna finish their last name without permission and my teacher from last year jst had a baby boy before the summer and his name is lipman ben nochum ben aryeh leib ben lipman ben nochum ben aryeh leib that goes back 6 generations. the baby-my teacher his father-the grandfather etc.
Leah and her son Jacob are sitting on the roof of their house in Florida watching the flood waters pass their house.
“Mommy,” says Jacob pointing to the water in front of their house, “something strange is happening. Do you see that kippa? It’s moves downstream for a bit, then it seems to turn around and comes back up. It’s been doing this for some time now.”
My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE
“If you two are going to kill each other, do it outside – I just finished cleaning!”
My mother taught me RELIGION
“You better pray that stain will come out of the carpet.”
My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL
“If you don’t behave, I’m going to knock you into the middle of next week!”
My mother taught me LOGIC
“Because I said so, that’s why.”
My mother taught me FORESIGHT
“Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you’re in an accident.”
My mother taught me IRONY
“Keep crying and I’ll *give* you something to cry about.”
My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS
“Shut your mouth and eat your supper!”
My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM
“Will you *look* at the dirt on the back of your neck!”
My mother taught me about STAMINA
“You’ll sit there ’till all your spinach is finished.”
My mother taught me about WEATHER
“It looks as if a tornado swept through your room.”
My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY
“If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a million times – Don’t Exaggerate!!!”
My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE
“I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.”
My mother taught me about BEHAVIOUR MODIFICATION
“Stop acting like your father!”
My mother taught me about ENVY
“There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don’t have wonderful parents like you do!”
THANKS, MUM!
imanonov- thats is so funny i really like that
An Israeli soldier who just enlisted asked the Commanding Officer for a 3 day pass.
The CO says, “Are you crazy? You just joined the Israeli army, and you already want a 3 day pass? You must do something spectacular for that recognition!”
So the soldier comes back a day later in an Arab tank! The CO was so impressed, he asked, “How did you do it?”
“Well, I jumped in a tank, and went toward the border with the Arabs. I approached the border, and saw an Arab in his tank. I put my white flag up, the Arab tank put his white flag up. I said to the Arab soldier, ‘Do you want to get a 3 day pass?’The Arab said ‘yes’ so we exchanged tanks!”
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C. The Russians used a pencil.
Solly Finklestein was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read BEST DEALS.
He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading LOWEST PRICES.
Finklestein was panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop-it read MAIN ENTRANCE.
Three brothers just got off the boat at Ellis Island from Poland and are questioned by an Immigration Officer, who asks the first, “What is your name?”
“Beryl” he replies.
The Officer says, “Beryl? You can’t have a name like that in America. From now on your name is ‘Buck.'”
He turns to the second brother and says, “What is your name?”
“Chaiml” he replies.
“Chaiml? You can’t have a name like that in America. From now on your name will be ‘Chuck!'”
He then asks the third brother, “And what’s your name?”
“Schmerl,” he replies, “And I’m going back to Poland!
A man has been in business for many, many years and the business is going down the drain. He is seriously contemplating suicide and he doesn’t know what to do.
He goes to the Rabbi to seek his advice. He tells the Rabbi about all of his problems in the business and asks the Rabbi what he should do.
The Rabbi says, “Take a beach chair and a Bible and put them in your car and drive down to the edge of the ocean. Go to the water’s edge. Take the beach chair out of the car, sit on it and take the book out and open it up. The wind will riffle the pages for a while and eventually the Bible will stay open at a particular page. Read the first words your eyes fall on and they will tell you what to do.”
The man does as he is told. He places a beach chair and a Bible in his car and drives down to the beach. He sits on the chair at the water’s edge and opens the Bible. The wind riffles the pages of the Bible and then stops at a particular page. He looks down at the Bible and his eyes fall on words, which tell him what he has to do.
Three months later the man and his family come back to see the Rabbi. The man is wearing a $1,000 Italian suit, The wife is all decked out with a full-length mink coat and the child is dressed in beautiful silk.
The man hands the Rabbi a thick envelope full of money and tells him that he wants to donate this money to the Shul in order to thank the Rabbi for his wonderful advice.
The Rabbi is delighted. He asks him what words in the Chumash brought this good fortune to him.
The man replies, “Chapter 11.
Morris and Lenny are strolling home from shul one Saturday morning. Suddenly a cab speeds past, and their friend, Irving, is running frantically behind it, flailing his arms wildly.
“Well,” said Lenny, “I never imagined our good friend Irving was a Sabbath violator! Look at him running for that taxi.”
“Wait a minute,” Morris replied. “Didn’t you read that book I lent you, ‘The Other Side of the Story’, about the command to judge other people favorably? I’ll bet we can think of hundreds of excuses for Irving’s behavior.”
“Yeah, like what?”
“Maybe he’s sick and needs to go to the hospital.”
“Come on! He was running 60 miles an hour after that cab – he’s healthier than Arnold Schwarzenegger.”
“Well, maybe his wife’s having a baby.”
“She had one last week.”
“Well, maybe he needs to visit her in the hospital.”
“She’s home.”
“Well, maybe he’s running to the hospital to get a doctor.”
“He is a doctor.”
“Well, maybe he needs supplies from the hospital.”
“The hospital is a three minute walk in the opposite direction.”
“Well, maybe he forgot that it’s Shabbos!”
“Of course he knows it’s Shabbos. Didn’t you see his tie? It was his paisley beige 100% silk Gucci tie from Italy. He never wears it during the week.”
“Wow, you’re a really observant! I didn’t even notice he was wearing a tie.”
“How could you not notice? Didn’t you see how it was stuck on the back fender of the taxi?”
You Know the Person Next To You Hasn’t Been To Shul In Awhile When You Hear Him Say…
1. “Hey, my book is backwards.”
2. “Isn’t it impolite to talk when the minister is talking?”
3. “What’s with the beanies?”
4. “Isn’t it funny that one person on the stage has a better singing voice than the other ones.”
5. “I get the standing and the sitting; when do we kneel?
6. “Does your prayer book have writing in a funny looking alphabet, too?”
7. “Why do people keep coming in even after the service starts? Didn’t they know what time it starts?”
8. “Do a bunch of people always get up and walk out just before the rabbi gives the sermon?”
9. “This food after the services is really good, but wouldn’t it be better if people waited in line and then only took a little at a time?”
10. “Hey, I remember this part from ‘Fiddler on the Roof’!”
Little Moishie Rosenberg called Rabbi Silverman to come to the hospital and pray for his mother who had been very ill with the flu.
Rabbi Levy is having difficulty delivering his usual shabbos sermon. His new bifocals are making him feel extremely dizzy and he keeps on pausing to remove them only to put them on again a few seconds later.
After five minutes of doing this, he pauses again, looks up from his notes, stares at his congregation, and says to them, “I really must apologize for reading my sermon this morning and for continually removing my glasses. Some of you might have noticed that I’m wearing new glasses and these allow me to see my notes very clearly. But every time I look up at you, I feel absolutely sick.”
thanks mods for changing it to not the red one the other posters are right that bloody one is inappropiate slightly but to those posters, ursula and adorable they gave me that b4 anyone knew what happened
maybe we shuld mod 42 i have well had the whole set until i lost 2nd and 3rd books but i orded the whole box set in hardcover
so was i but the mods decided it should be not the bloody one. mods culd you explain that one to me why bloody
as in the red baron the flying ace so im not the red one
From a passenger ship, everyone can see a bearded man on a small island who is shouting and desperately waving his hands.
“Who is it?” a passenger asks the captain.
“I’ve no idea. Every year when we pass, he goes nuts.”
and on 4th of july we have our own fireworks show
that line is from the book “Eldest” of “The Inheritance Trilogy”(which really now has 4books so its the inheritance cycle) by christopher paolini said from one character to another before he left. trust me on this im a huge fan of the series and have the 4th orded in advance when it comes out in november
icot- u know i kinda like not the red one. mods culd my subtitle be “not the red one”
hey i was the 100th and now 101st poster
anyone any subtitle ideas for me
personally i would say that thanksgiving is more a goyishe zach and not 4th of July as its a day we declared independence from Britain and Jews were involved in that financially supporting the revolution and other smaller ways while thanksgiving is when the pilgrims finally settled they had a great feast to thank god for everything which is not exactly Jewish although my family just uses it as an excuse to get together and have great food 🙂
have him put it on the handlebars and brake and use 2 fingers to hold inside of the hat and other fingers on handle bars and brake or however many fingers he is comfortable with and wear the jacket thats how i do it and it works or jst put it in a bag like anonymrs said
i have firefox and sometimes it just takes a few minutes to load them but usually i do see them
we all know the story of shlomo hamelech when 2 men came to him arguing who should get treasure found on land sold from one to the other one said the other should get it and vice versa and it says that a woman is a treasure so what were they arguing about… a mother in law each one said the other should get her
its not about winning or losing its about winning – my gym teacher (no joke he has said this to us multiple times)
i reject ur reality and substitute my own – Adam Savage
Rabbi Epstein was moving to another city and was saying farewell to his congregation at the synagogue for the last time. Old Mrs. Rosenberg approached him and said, “Your successor won’t be nearly as good as you.”
“Nonsense”, said Rabbi Epstein, in a flattered tone.
“No, really”, said the old lady, “I’ve been here under five different rabbis, and each new one has been worse than the last.”