aviva7272

I just heard Rabbi Akiva Tatz address this topic at the Ramban shul in Yerushalayim. He said there are absolutes, non-negotiables which are universal, and negotiables, which are not universal but specific to each individual. The absolutes are that the person in question be Jewish, able to have children naturally or with the assistance of reproductive technology*), and sharing your Torah values (if not holding at the same level, as is often the case when BTs marry FFBs, they have to at least be growing in the same direction on the derech). There were just two non-negotiables: (1) chemistry: a basic attraction and sense of connection to the other person; and (2) character: the personality and character traits as perceived through observation of the individual interacting with family members and with you on your dates. The non-negotiables were: where to live, money issues, physical and mental health issues, in-laws, and all the many issues that everyone experiences and handles differently. R’Tatz also advised that for someone with medical issues to discuss, this information NOT be shared with a lot of shadhadnim, but with one trusted advisor (one’s rav, perhaps) who will not pass along the information indiscriminately; and that the medical issue(s) not be shared with the potential shidduch until after a few dates when the other person has been given the opportunity to get to know ALL of you and can put your health issues into the perspective of the whole picture of who you are and what you have to offer to the relationship. I thought it was excellent, practical advice. Hope this is helpful.