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oomis:
Any name or label that an HR department would investigate you for, shouldn’t be used.
This has already been discussed on another thread.
Look there instead of running people’s blood pressure up.
Thanks
Good afternoon!!!
Myfriend:
Maskim!
But in close to 95% of dates, those “half-witted, moronic, sophomoric, boorish, boneheaded, mindless, imbecilic, absurd “requirements” end up being deal breakers and first date dumpings.
It is healthy for a person to see the light on their own that their ideas are “half-witted, moronic, sophomoric, boorish, boneheaded, mindless, imbecilic, absurd “requirements” rather than be nixed arbitrarily by equally “half-witted, moronic, sophomoric, boorish, boneheaded, mindless, imbecilic, absurd “requirements” of the parents!!
Myfriend:
How many times do you hear 18 year old shnooks saying that a prospective family doesn’t ‘POSS’ for them?
NEVER!!
The unresonable ‘POSSing’ requirements come from the parents who feel the need to have their picture in the Yated in order to feel validated. Again, some 21 year old shnooks have more life experience and see things clearer than fame seeking adults!!
Reuven is a wealthy businessman who is MAJORLY connected in town. A psak against him and your reputation is toast!
Shimon is a poor mechanech whose own parents can’t stand him or his life choices because chinuch is an embarrassment for the family.
Reuven knowing full well that Shimon has no one to defend him has Shimon fired (for NO cause) and left with no parnassah.
Shimon summons Reuven to POPA’s BAIS DIN.
WHAT DO YOU POPA-BAR-ABBA DO???
Before you decide to take the leap of faith alone, factor in the reasons why Olim return back to their former countries:
1. If you think that people in frum neighborhoods in America are judgemental, you ain’t seen nothin’ yet. If you are blacklisted for ANY reason in Eretz Yisroel, you and your children will have no one to associate with.
2. If you have school aged children, the chinuch systems are dramatically different in America vs. Eretz Yisroel. Besides for the different level, your kids must have no speech, processing,etc. issues or the Hebrew translating will be almost insurmountable.
3. The job market is still attrocious. Poseiach es Yodecha Umasbia is the ultimate goal to strive for, but are you really ready to rely on miracles? When the husband is unable to support the family, shalom bayis often suffers.
Obviously, Eretz Yisroel is THE place to be but go in with realism in front of your eyes.
This is the same reason why the Mussar movement, the frum Kabbalah movement, the Baal Shem Tov all succeeded. They all realized that diversity in a Torah format is important.
Chanoch Lenar Al Pi Darko is not a patented slogan, it is an ideal that every parent must strive to reach. This means that every child is their own person and should go to school’s that are mat’im for them regardless of what society thinks.
Parnassah is completely dependent on hashem’s bracha, so why not enjoy yourself while you are at it. Education alone is not a guarantee of success in the business world. A person who does his/her work passionately often times succeed financially in life and have the perk of loving every minute of it. In my opinion if your son chooses to get a degree in personal fitness and become a personal trainer, GREAT!
WellInformedYid will get a kick out of this one: Tracht Gut un Vet Zein Gut!! Rabbi Finkel here in Chicago tells people to live life for themself and not for what the neighbors think. After all your neighbors are worrying about what you are thinking about them. So it’s really one vicious cycle. Just be happy and let the chatterboxes talk, who cares?
Here’s a sweet secret:
Many of the biggest yentas who chatter about people’s dress, actions, thoughts, etc., etc. do the exact behaviors or worse in more discreet settings. This way they look holy in the eyes of society and can pass definitive judgment on others while ducking under the radar themselves.
Two great ideas given by my activity director:
1. Water balloon VOLLEYBALL (self explanatory).
2. Floor Bowling: Put up 9 pins or activity maps and use a basketball and bombs away.
Have fun!
I motion to commend Moderator 80 for remaining calm and collected even under the most trying conditions. He/she keeps law and order as best as possible. Even when attacked with incoming verbal missiles. My apologies for when I occasionally lose it!
Bold added by a certain anonymous and humble moderator.
Exactly!
Haskalah/Reform was a very strong force back then. BUT, families who fought against the trend were the ones whose Holocaust surviving children remained frum despite the destruction.
Personally, parnassah is NOT the wife’s responsibility. The rationale for the girls working was explained to me by the Rosh Yeshiva, the yeshiva doesn’t want to put their bochurim in the situation of being dependant on the moods and demands of the future in-laws.
Agree or disagree, the Rosh Yeshiva has a point!!
ARIES2756:
“One more thing I have said for a long time. Teachers and mechanchim should be rated and given report cards at least twice a year just like kids. The Board of Directors should get an up close and personal inside look at what the parents and students really think and feel about their mechanchim and not just the opinions of the administration. It is up to the Board and the person who signs the salary checks to know whether certain people should stay or go when their names come up for renewal or even before that, before kids are cut off by the knees and their self esteem and self confidence are ruined”.
Amen!
In full agreement. Being a Board Member is a RESPONSIBILITY, not a priviledge or bragging rights. Nobody is holding a gun to a board member’s head forcing them to join. Therefore, if you join a board the responsibility for ALL that goes on and you do nothing about IS ALL ON YOUR HEAD.
This is a VERY powerful thread for school administrators and boards to read. With yeshivas closed for at least four weeks during the summer, teacher training courses should be MANDATORY. If a rebbe, morah, teacher, or aide wants to continue employment into the next year, they MUST complete chinuch training. The main thing to focus on nowadays is the emotional health of their talmidim.
Why should adults grow up with childhood emotional scars? Our children deserve better. Life is tough enough for children nowadays, why should school be one more problem to worry about. Schools should be a safe zone for children with no bullying from anyone. They can alter the course of people’s lives.
The now CLOSED but very visible thread entitled MANSIONS is still on the site. It has very nasty comments and insinuations against many people. All it does is further eats away at the Achdus and Areivus one Jew is supposed to feel for another. The final comment which was edited to simply say Good Shabbos was particularly offensive.
It’s your site, feel free to do as you please, BUT Elul is right around the corner.
1] Help those who can’t defend themselves.
2] Try to forgive comments made to inflict the most pain possible.
mischiefmaker:
Anger is anger and temper is temper. They are not the same thing.
Dr. Pepper:
“One should emphasize more on the pain being felt than on attacking the one who caused it”.
You are 1000% correct. The main reason is because the recipient hears and understands how YOU feel. They can’t argue that you’re NOT feeling that way, shouldn’t FEEL that way, or have to put your FEELINGS aside.
If you go into attack mode the recipient feels the need to defend themself and an adverserial approach will be taken. This is because their FEELINGS are hurt and they can’t think about things from your perspective any longer.
bj:
Threads that end up CLOSED usually contain Lashon Hara. Character assassinations are as hurtful even without mentioning names. The editor usually eventually understands and closes the thread.
Kasha:
“Perhaps the Rabbonim should no longer give Mussur Shiurim, since, well, those its being directed to (even though not publicly identified) KNOW who they are?”
There is a MAJOR difference between a RAV giving a mussar shiur and a discussion in the Coffee Room!
If you can’t see the difference there is a problem.
EDITED
Kasha:
And the ones that help the yeshivos and mosdos who DO live in an extravagant and ostentatious lifestyle don’t deserve compliments??
You call what you said a COMPLIMENT??
EDITED
Kasha:
Thanks for your P.S. opinion.
Well, the individuals who he didn’t specify KNOW who he is referring to and have feelings too.
Blinky:
The same ‘talk of the town’ people help build yeshivos and other mosdos. Think about the people you are talking about who have feelings too.
EDITED
Sure, post it. You have only one shot at making a victim impact statement, give it your best shot.
There is an awful lot of moderating and editing at this site. This is why many controversial topics have only one side of the argument displayed. It is not that all readers share one opinion, it’s just that the other side of the coin is moderated/edited.
Feif Un:
Send him a letter explaining how his actions affected your life. It is a Bain Adam Lechavairo issue over here. He owes you one, but you have to let him know that you are owed. Once he knows where you stand it is up to him how to respond. A true yarei shomayim will swallow his pride and apologize.
Mistakes happen in all industries. The mistakes that become public scandals are those where the party involved ignores or denies the mistake. To err is human, to deny is foolish!
Last thing: Be thankful all you are dealing with is a poor chinuch decision and not real abuse. Hatzlacha!
shimmel:
Working with the ANGRY at-risk population is very trying and demanding. The most influential mentors are those who walked a mile in the shoes of the at-risk teen. They are able to understand a question asked from cynicism vs. from pain. Most people would simply walk away, but onl;y one who has gone through it understands the questions coming from pain.
As a mentor in Chicago explained it very succinctly, “An at-risk professional is a mechanech, one who is well versed in psychology, and who has gone through the pain, all wrapped in one person. Would you go to a grief counselor who never experienced loss? Only someone who has gone through the pain the teen is going through can give true hadracha”
Not everyone who has experienced the pain and anger the at-risk teens experience is cut out to VOLUNTEER his/her time. Those who do volunteer deserve all the bracha in the world. Hashem should repay them for their efforts and their wives dedication for allowing late night shifts.
Laugh all you want, BUT anger consumes a person. The greater the effect what was done to him/her the longer the feelings will burn inside them. The most outwardly cheerful person could one day do something to another person that is SO, SO, SO out of character that people can’t believe what they just saw/heard. With a little background information, it all comes clear that the person was harboring so much pain and anger inside against the other person.
Anger management is good to an certain extent. BUT, anger management doesn’t remove the feelings all it does is mask them. If you harmed someone, it’s best to try to make it up to them while you still have a chance. Hurt people don’t forget what was done to them nor the one who did it.
Many people were harmed, slighted, or abused. Some throughout their life, some in school, and some after they were married. Instead of the frum velt standing up in the defense of these truly heartbroken individuals, society stands up for the people who harm and abuse the innocent.
This makes people V-E-R-Y angry.
Angry people NEVER forget what was done to them. They often sit and wait for their opportunity and are then very capable of causing untold tzaros for those who put them through their troubles.
1]People who are abusive
2] Come from abusive homes AND make no attempt to distance themselves from their family behaviors
3] Child Molesters
All the above are NOT MARRIAGE ELIGIBLE.
Regarding genetic testing: There are extremely sick children born to young, healthy parents where there is NO history of any type of defect. This is the way of Hashem. But, Dor Yeshorim is the best hishtadlus you can do.
Clearheaded:
Did you ever speak to a teen who went off the Derech?
Do you think thay are happy and proudly chose to live like meaningless zombies?
Do you really think that they CHOSE to go off?
Maybe speak to a few OTD teens and you will be surprsied that it has nothing to do with B.E.C.H.I.R.A. as you so stated.
Encourage kids to succeed but be their sounding board to avoid the illegal “get rich quick” scams that too many people with no business acumen fall for.
emoticon613:
Stigma is wrong. However, the reason the stigma exists is NOT that the person went to counseling, rather it is the fear that the person will use the counselor as a crutch for life and therefore reveal personal details of married life too. Unless the sounseling was for a specific issue that the person was able to work through, people are very concened.
In your friend’s specific case, definitely she should have counseling. Unless she develops defense mechanisms to deal with her hurt, her marriage will be a disater. Plus, a family issue that affected her is of no fault of her own. Her chosson’s family will likely find out the family information when they check her out anyway. She stands a better chance at getting married by having someone explain how “She had some counseling to deal with her meshugah family”, rather than saying, “She thinks her family is totally normal and would love to continue in their footseps!”
hereorthere:
How would martial arts help???
The best therapy is learning ASSERTIVENESS, not martial arts.
Amen!
Case Closed!!
Date for as long as needed.
Then…
Get married within 6-8 weeks of engagement.
Dream marriages are more important than a dream wedding costing 150K.
What is missing is, the old site used to have the feature to click on a member’s profile and see what threads they commented on. When you understand more about who you are answering back to, it enhances the quality of the discussions.
Is there a way to return this feature?
Noach Orlowek: My Child, My Student
Yanky Horowitz: Living and Parenting
The court hears all sides of an argument and does not assume a gender bias in the decision process. There are women who for legitimate reasons lose their cases. Feminist conspiracy is utter nonsense.
Abuse in the frum community is a very real concern. Victims of abuse lose their sense of self and can’t fight back. Therefore when the partner experiences abuse they are powerless to protect their own children as well. The abused partner sees their child being abused but does nothing to stop the abuse.
It is therefore advisable in situations of pervasive patterns of abuse (as opposed to a once in twenty years explosion) that the marriage end. IT IS IN THE CHILD’S BEST INTEREST AS WELL. Children who experienced abuse end up angry at both the abuser and the abused parent who stood there and watched the child be abused and did NOTHING. Even if the marriage ends after 30 years, the child was still not cared for during their time of need.
PLEASE, if you find out after engagement about patterns of abuse in the family (discussions about changing your weight, looks, dress, threats, etc.), BREAK YOUR ENGAGEMENT. Do it for your own sake and for the sake of the children who you will put into such an environment. UNLESS…your chosson/kallah demonstrates actions consistent with breaking away from the patterns of abuse.
Broken engagements are 1,000,000 times better than broken marriages.
cherrybim:
It’s the mindset!
Instead of being MEN almost ready to begin their own families, they are treated by society as BOYS. Instead of thinking hard about what they TRULY want to be when they start their own family, they repeat the starry eyed kollel forever response.
For some odd reason no one wants to wake them up that to make it in life you have to be able of working like productive members of society, any kollel that is not makpid on shemiras sedorim frankly has no right to be supported. Kollels must have policies similar to corporate America.
gavra_at_work:
We have had our share of misunderstandings. Please clarify whether you were truthful or sarcastic.
Right On!!
Bidiyuk!!
aries2756:
I wrote similar on Motzei Shabbos but the moderator deleted it. Then again, they deleted every post of mine that night. Guess it was a late night for the Moderator!!
Go to any legitimate college website. Almost all offer adult learning Internet options. These courses don’t care about your education history. The courses are serious courses meant to help people in business get ahead, so you have real life learning experience.
This is a great way to learn whether you are really cut out for a career in your dream profession. If you pass the course you keep your record and at any time in life, you can use the course to help you towards your desired field.
Eli, please understand where I am coming from:
There is a fire burning outside. In almost every shul there are unemployed people. When the father of the household is out of work it has a terrible effect on shalom bayis. Helping the unemployed baalei mishpacha is a more critical issue than giving a teen the year in Israel experience.
Unless the work is manual labor where the teen is physically exhausted, there are many hours in the night to party. As the supervisors working underneath me are instructed, “I don’t pay for nor value HARD work, I value SMART work. If the person can juggle his duties to do an hour work in 20 minutes, that person is using time wisely and can accomplish more and deserves a higher salary, than a hard working shlepper”. Jobs offered to teens are dead end jobs which don’t teach them what it means to work for a living.
Therefore, a fair alternative is to work with the teens to figure out what they plan on doing with their lives. If they have a desired profession, let them take two or three college courses. This will keep them occupied all day and most of the evening to study.
If they have no profession in mind, you have your work cut out foryourself. Take them to a career counselor for guidance and implement a plan for a realistic long term plan. As Rabbi Finkel here in Chicago says about helping teens, if you work on rebuilding the external things in life and put them on track for life, Yiddishkeit will come back too. Mapping out a plan is the first and surest way to be successful.
mom12:
Working with rehabilitation of people is not for everyone. For every one employee who works out there are five that fail royally. If a person hurts the feelings of a client/patient of such a camp, there is nobody that person can ask mechilla from. Only the yechidei segulah should ever go into such a field. Those who do are truly gifted special people who I appreciate their devotion immensely.
Ask your chassan teacher.
ASF:
You should have paid with a credit card.
Reason #1: You can cancel payment and leave him the onus of finding a quality product you ordered.
Reason #2: The businessman knows that you won’t pursue him in court. Because the first question his lawyer will ask is what are you doing with $1,300 CASH in your hand? Implying that you aren’t all that kosher yourself.
The business owner is a jerk but your ability to recover anything is nil.
When the couple lands and sees that restaurants, miniature golf games, lounges, Lexuses borrowed for dating, etc. are all an illusion and they learn that money doesn’t grow on trees, they throw in the towel and call it off.
Better now than when there are more mouths to feed.
Live within your means.
If you can’t personally afford the new Lexus or other mishugas to impress your friends (who are unimpressed because they know the truth anyways) you should push the idea out of your mind. You will live a happier life and sleep sounder knowing that you are living responsibly. Don’t expect your shver or parents to foot the bill for every whim.
“The bottom line if you want good quality is – you need to wait for the sales, enjoy looking for bargains and only buy with coupons.”
Excellent reasons why to shop at brand name stores. You won’t find these at your local frum shops.
“I am researching some job offers in the US in Chinuch”.
Job offers OR pipe dreams??
Until now, many schools simply defaulted on paychecks by first having staff wait 5 months or longer to be paid, and even then it was,”He who made it to the bank first wins” and everyone else’s check bounced. The American economy is very bad, donors are not giving as much as before, pledges are ‘words’ until paid, more children are on scholarships.
Get the point? Don’t expect much.
Snowback:
Why go to a store which is less convenient, might not have the greatest selection or prices, simply because the frum, heimish store has a manager acting in a way that is not frum or heimish??
B’Avonoseinu Harabbim, there is what to be concerned about when a male asks PERSONAL questions to a female shopper ands stands in close proximity to the said female shopper.
In the situation being discussed:
1] The Original Poster’s wife felt uncomfortable with the interaction.
2] The Original Poster did his due diligence to observe what his wife described and he, “saw this person shmoozing with obviously married women, just walking around and out of the blue talking with customers who are not dressed tzinus, and so on”
This manager is NOT living up to the behavioral standards of a heimish store and SHOULD BE FIRED.