AriHaleviRosman

@get-r-dun absolutely. I know a lot of bochurim and divorced men pay people to be their shidduch references.

Divorced men need their dayanim as references

For cases with divorced men seeking to remarry, having the woman’s side call the Dayanim who presided over his nesinas haget as a reference can help the inquiring party determine whether or not he is too dangerous for marriage

If you really want to know how they treat their in-laws from an objective perspective, perhaps you should spend 72 hours surveilling the family with a Camera Drone instead of randomly calling the other family before deciding on a first date.

Nebuch. How thin-skinned and snowflaky.
Learning how to cope with what you described is minuscule compared life’s other harsh realities. Shouldn’t stand in way of building a Bayis neoomon bYisroel with the person (!!) unless if he or she poses a life-threatening danger to you!

I don’t check references at all. Neither do my parents.

We both refuse. And it angers shadchanim

@always_ask_questions

The Shidduch reference checking system teaches singles to perceive marriage as disposable.

A few weeks ago, there was a letter to the Yated Shidduch Column by a single’s mother who admitted to tossing away all of her adult childrens’ shidduch suggestions simply because the references were not instantly answering their phone calls or providing enough information.
Seriously? Is that how marriage works??

Imagine the following scenario:
You are an aguna who has been waiting a long time for your get. Finally, the day arrives for your nesinas haget, but your sister is bombarding each of the dayanim on their phones,
hoping these rabbanim will give answers to her questions about their single talmidim whom are being suggested to your sister’s single daughter.
Is this not disgusting?

The other day, my friend told me that his sister-in-law’s was in the middle of giving birth when her iPhone was ringing off the hook with missed phone calls from feisty boys’ mothers seeking Shidduch Reference information about her former seminary roommates.

According to my roommate, when his SIL found time to answer their phone calls, either the boys’ mothers tossed the shidduch suggestions without bothering to a first date, while the others bombarded her with personal questions about her friends which are solely meant to be asked by the singles on the date.
Which also did not lead to any first dates.
Do these boys’ mothers realize that they are teaching their children to perceive the institution of marriage as if it is as disposable as a paper plate by refusing first dates on their sons’ behalf (often without their reshus) based off of silly reference checking?
How nihilistic!
Reference phone calls and chemistry do not go hand-in-hand.

If reference-checking is too much for you, why not simpy go on a date and then deal with the references later after the 3rd date?
Do you realize how much time is wasted by checking references without even bothering to a first date?

What does paying for the chasuna have to do with the making one’s first date decisions?

Today, an overwhelming majority of parents will not pay for their kids’ chasunos unless they leave them out of the picture until after the third date. It’s much easier for the parents. Less work especially when the shidduch inquiry doesn’t lead to a first date.
Why are singles so lazy?

In that case, then the girls and their mothers are wasting the references’ time by interrogating them.

Read the OP again

The fact that I am hurting your subjective feelings and making you FEEL disgusted doesn’t answer my question in the OP.

Many of the older mispalelim at Breuer’s in Washington Heights wear straw hats from Tammuz until Elul, but I’m not sure why the bochurim there don’t.