aries2756

No RB , I won’t point it out to you in the SA because you will only interpret it the way you want to read it in order for you to be right. Like I said before, you really need to discuss this with your RAV so you can hear the truth from his own lips, face to face. You need to hear the truth on this matter face to face from your own RAV and you need him to explain to you why you are wrong and misguided on this issue.

My mother a”h used to say “if ten people call you a shiker your a shiker”. Do you know what that means? If ten people call you a drunk, you are a drunk! You keep arguing your point and everyone keeps telling you that you are wrong and you refuse to see it. Therefore the only way you will accept the truth is if you hear it from your own RAV and he explains it to you. That’s it I am not debating this with you any longer. Please go speak to your RAV, seriously because the fact that you don’t understand how to do this mitzvah is very sad, the fact that you keep arguing how right you are is even sadder.

RB, I understand that this is your feeling on the matter. Maybe just maybe you should discuss it with your RAV to get a better understanding of what the “rules” of doing gemilus chessed involve. Truly it not about a feeling it involves more than that. It is a mitzvah and there are rules regarding how one goes about doing mitzvos.

MP, when I lost my father my emunah shriveled into nothing. I was so scared. I was so lost, My father was gone and I was so angry at Hashem. How could you do this to me, how could you take him from me? Why him, don’t you know how important he is to me? From all the people on this earth it had to be him? Don’t you know how many evil people walk around every day, why did you take my father?

And then I was shaken to my core, I had no faith. I couldn’t make a bracha, I couldn’t walk into shul. I was so angry it scared the heck out of me. The Rav asked my husband how I was doing, and encouraged him to get me out of the house and to come to shul. When my husband told him I don’t want to step foot into shul, he told him to tell me “that’s normal, not to worry about it.”

I was in my own little world. I didn’t answer the phone, I wouldn’t go to the door. I didn’t want to speak to my friends. I didn’t want to speak to anyone or see anyone. But when my husband told me that the Rav said not to worry it was normal something snapped inside of me and there was hope. I realized that since I was talking to Hashem even though I was angry at him there must be some level of emunah still within me. Slowly but surely I felt my emunah and bitachon return.

It wasn’t until I had my footing within the realms of my emunah and bitachon in H”BH that I could handle myself with others. It wasn’t until I trusted Hashem and his ways again that I could trust myself. It wasn’t until I gave my pain and my agony over to Hashem that I felt the healing begin. It was as if I felt the arms of love and support surround me. I felt my father’s love and Hashem’s love and support. I don’t know how to describe it any better.

After this experience, I have made visits to other shiva homes. I have gone over to others who have looked so lost and disconnected and have called them out of the room. I told them quietly, I know how you feel and don’t worry, your emunah and bitachon will return. You can’t imagine the reaction that I received. The tears flowing, the big eyes opening “How did you know???”. I told them I see the lost look in your eyes. It happened to me too, and it is normal. It is part of the grieving process but I promise you, it will return.

MP, I believe that the fear of losing emunah and bitachon is the greatest fear of all. I have been there and I never want to go back.

tahini, no, I wouldn’t say that at all. Because the first thing we teach our kids is that 10% of whatever we make goes to tzedakkah and most of us, especially wealthy people give much, much more than that. So that is what we teach them right off the bat.

Then we teach them chessed and doing mitzvos. Do people go over board on what they spend their money on? In the eyes of many of us, yes they do. But who are we to judge. Hashem is in charge of parnassah as well as Mazal. If he granted them this wealth then he also granted them the right to do as they please with it.

So what did he say?

DY, the apology you gave on that thread was NOT an apology and I told you so at that time. If you are sincerely apologizing for what you did then I accept. What you did was rude and uncalled for aside from being wrong and out of context.

RB, the girl is the only one in control and accountable for her actions. She took on an obligation and didn’t take it seriously. There is no other way to look at it. It was her obligation to be there on time or to at least call and let mytake know that she was going to be late and what time to expect her. Or even that she can’t follow through. This would have given mytake the option to either continue waiting or find another way home. What the girl did was obligate mytake to wait for her because mytake had no way of knowing when or whether she was going to show up and no way of reaching her on her own.

Health, the only thing I can say is that the only way an organization can know whether or not it is working properly is if people like mytake give them feedback. If everyone just thanks them and applauds them for their good work and doesn’t get back to them about the problems they have no way of knowing and they have no clue that they have to make corrections.

RB, one more thing, I just had a very unusual experience in a frum store where I currently am. There was a woman in the store who obviously was a bit off. She was talking loudly and was speaking about how she wants to be married by Chanuka. She was already wearing a sheitel so it seems she must have been married sometime in the past and must have developed these emotional or mental issues somewhere between then and now. At any rate she even asked one man in the store if he were married or if he were available for a date. Everyone heard, he didn’t skip a beat, nor did he get embarrassed, he simply explained that he was married and wished her all the best in her journey to find her bashert. Then she started asking everyone in the store for a ride to where she was staying. The man next to her turned her down but one man int he back of the store spoke up in a loud voice that if she waited a few minutes he will be done and he will take her.

She then went over to every man in the store and asked if he is taking her and each person politely said no, that man is in the back but she should wait for him at the counter. RB, no one got upset in the store. No one felt abused by her loud voice. No one felt she was abusing them with her questions. It was a rather unusual experience but everyone treated her with dignity.

RB, did she have a right to annoy and address everyone in the store? She was not the owner in the store, we were NOT her customers. Obviously, she needed help. Obviously she needed our chessed and compassion. Did she have a right to ask for a ride, for a date, if the man was married? Should we as customers feel put upon or upset or even abused by this customer who approached and addressed everyone in the store? After all we didn’t owe her anything. WE didn’t know her, why should we care about her. We had two choices we could either be chessedik to her or we could have just ignored her and tried to avoid her by hiding behind the shelves. She approached me and told me she knew me. I smiled and told her I heard that many times from others, I just happen to have a common look. She asked if I were “X” from “Y” and I said no.

The man who shouted from the back and offered her a ride really went above and beyond and truly was looking to do a special mitzvah. He knew that she would chew his ear off even for the less than five minute ride in the car and yet he realized that she needed the chessed and he wanted the opportunity to do this mitzvah. He had no idea what he was getting himself into other than doing the chessed. Kol Hakovod to him. Do you think he is telling his friend about the crazy lady he gave a ride to today?

Accepted and I trust that you won’t go there again.

RB, what you refuse to realize or what you are in denial about is that the girl was NOT doing her a favor. The girl was supposed to be doing a mitzvah but missed the boat a bit. She didn’t do her any favors making her wait over an hour after being in the hospital all day as it was, and blasting music as well as loud chatter for someone who was over stressed and needed some down time. As I said if it was a problem for her and she thought she was doing a favor she should have left it for someone else to volunteer for and she could have offered to try another night when it was more convenient.

As for you, if it was a “tircha” for you to accommodate your passenger you shouldn’t have picked him up. Either do it with a full heart of don’t do it at all. You could have said, “maybe this is not such a good idea and I can drop you off at the grocery store where it will be easier for you to hitch another ride” or “actually I am only going till here, you can try and hitch another ride over there” and then drop him off where there was more traffic instead of doing the mitzvah angrily. Someone else might not have felt it was such a tircha and would have done it without complaint.

AZ, how would you explain the Sefardi take on paying a shadchan? You have clearly passed judgement that $1 is not sufficient payment (which obviously is a token payment just to be yotzeh), so how would you explain a community norm NOT paying the shadchun going against the Shulchan Aruch and all your other explanations???

There always has to be a checks and balance system and whatever has to be implemented to keep judges in check is what should be done.

No I don’t think anyone should have Life Tenure it gives them too much power and power can be very dangerous. Everyone should know that if they don’t do their job appropriately or if they let their personal preference or bias get in the way of the laws and rules governing their job obligations then they can lose their job. Everyone needs to work under the cloud of being dispensable so they are always on their toes and are less vulnerable to corruption and ego. If the President can be impeached and a King can be dethroned there is no reason that a judge should have life tenure.

So maybe the best thing should be a system of review and reappointment.

AZ, since you choose to converse directly with me, lets go at it. Obviously there are generations that separate us, but what the heck, lets go. Yes the halacha is that the shadchan has to get paid before the Chuppah. Now AZ, FYI, that doesn’t mean literally that the shadchan meets you and your parents at the end of the isle or at the chuppah itself. What it does mean is this. No one should walk down to the chuppah if they have NOT paid the shadchan, it is a bad omen. It is THAT important to pay the shadchan that one should not even consider walking down to the chupah if the shadchan isn’t paid.

The Torah does not designate when that has to be, but it did show the importance of paying the shadchan and that a chupah should NOT take place if the shadchan was not paid. I hope we are clear on that and there is no misunderstanding about it.

The halachic obligations of paying the shadchan is satisfied if one gives the shadchan a dollar. That is considered paid. Ask your LOR. There is no halacha that states anything about “Community Norms”. Please show me where that is brought down.

As far as fees are concerned there are some very well known shadchanim in BP who I was made aware of when my daughter was dating 15 years ago who took $10,000. One of those shadchanim called ME when my sons were of age, he said to me “I heard you have boys, I have girls” I said no thank you. How did he hear? It didn’t matter, my point is this. Everyone knew what the professional shadchanim charged. There was no norm in MY community and there still isn’t. In my circles at the time we gave gifts. My friend told me that her friend set her up, and she gave her $1,000 and she heard years later that she bad mouthed her and said she could have afforded to give her much more since she got married at 40.

If you don’t want anyone badmouthing you the lesson we learn from this is to ask what they want. AZ, who exactly sets the NORM for the community? What is the NORM for BP? Is it different if you live above 13th avenue? Below? Is it different if you live in the 40’s, 50’s or 60’s? There are different economic scales even in BP. What is the community NORM for Flatbush? Is it the same in Midwood as in Madison? What about the Sefardi community, is it the same? Kensington? Marine Park? Ditmas Park? Is Brooklyn then considered one Community? What about Five Towns? Is Shadchanas norm different in Far Rockaway than Lawrence? Is Lawrence different than Cedarhurst? Is Five Towns the same as Queens? Is the East Coast the same as the West Coast?

Can you clarify? Or does it have more to do with what the parents can afford?

Please, why do we have to remind each other about this only on Chanuka? We light candles every Shabbos and our Shabbos candles are just as dangerous. Put all candles/fire out of reach of children and never, ever leave children alone in a room where candles are burning.

HaLeiVi, Not at all, it is very important for people to share their experience so others can learn to advocate for themselves and learn to ask questions. The doctor/patient relationship is not as it used to be when doctors actually had the time to sit and talk with the patient and give information. Today, if the patient or family member doesn’t ask, the doctor doesn’t tell or assumes that they understand or will look it up. They just don’t have the time to give each patient because they are limited by the amount of patients they need to see in a day. Everything is controlled by the insurance companies. Patients are made to feel “tiny” and almost on a conveyor belt system. Move them in and out quickly so we can be efficient. Find the answers and get the patient out of the bed because the insurance won’t pay for the hospital stay. Don’t call in specialists unless it is an emergency because the insurance companies are going to dock the doc for spending/wasting insurance money on unnecessary expenditures and test.

We are not trying to fault anyone, neither the patient or the doctor. Doctors can be wrong, no doubt about it, they are only human and they do make mistakes. So we need to understand that, they are NOT G-d, they are only human and we need to be aware and take our own responsibility seriously. We are as much accountable for our health as the health care providers we choose. We can’t choose what nisyonos Hashem sends our way, we can’t choose what illnesses befall us, but we can choose who we trust with our care. And we can control the questions we ask. As with everything else we have to be a smart and educated consumer and not just be lead blindly, ask questions and then choose wisely. Everyone has the same right and the same availability to call the organizations set up to give referrals and ask questions of them. They did their homework and legwork already for you.

And if we are NOT comfortable with the treatment we don’t risk our health or the health of our family members we get a second opinion or choose another option. We don’t just sit meekly by and deteriorate only to blame the doctor later. The doctor sees many patients and tries his/her best to give the best care to many at one time. But you or your loved one are the only sick person that you are dealing with at one time and you have to take your responsibility seriously as well. It is NOT a matter of fault or blame, too late is too late. Be smart and learn how to be your own best advocate.

passfan, coffee shops also sell sandwiches, eggs and salads. In addition, the boss can keep such items handy in the fridge as well as cheese if they have milchigs anyway. It would cost them less in the long run if they provided lunch for their employees.

Emunas Itecha +1 ?

gregaaron, do you honestly believe that because a perp is over 70 that would make a difference? Do you have factual knowledge that this guy is being watched and monitored 24/7 to be sure he has no access to kids? What about his own grandkids, great-grandkids? Nieces, nephews, great-nephews? Neighbors, shul kids, mikveh????????????????????????????????????????????

If you are truly a victim and not a trol I am happy for you that you are able to get on with your life. But I for one don’t believe that he cannot hurt anyone any longer.

Oomis +1, Agreed. Be your own advocate, ask questions and get answers.

Oomis, before you go jumping down everyone’s throat please understand that there are other conditions aside from clinical depression that are medical and require anti-anxiety and/or anti-depression drugs. These type of drugs are so named for convenience sake and are used for various different illnesses. Please as I asked before watch the video to hear the explanations from the professionals.

You particularly had a very scary experience and you are entitled to be wary. However, it is a parent’s responsibility to determine whether or not their child was diagnosed properly and whether their doctor has their child’s best interest at heart or not. The parent can tell whether the medication is making an improvement in the child’s life or not. If the child has a chemical imbalance and the medication is helping to balance the child and help the child to function at his/her best capacity then there is a need for the medication and it is a benefit to the child along with other therapeutic measures depending on what the diagnosis is. On the other hand, if the medication is NOT doing anything to help the child then it is up to the parent to advocate for that child and wean that child off the medication with the help of the doctor. If the doctor does not agree, the parent has the right to get a second opinion.

The fact that you had a bad experience does NOT negate the fact that there are many, many kids who have issues and can been helped with medication. There are also many school officials who push parents to put their children on medication for their own convenience even though the kids don’t necessarily need it. Having said that there are also many parents who are in denial and delay helping their children because they refuse to believe that there is anything wrong with the child and refuse to give them medication that can really help them.

So yes it is a very touchy subject and the best a person can do, is NOT put ALL their trust in any physician and be an educated consumer. Ask questions, do research and go for second opinions. For those who are against taking medication you are entitled to your opinion, but for anyone who is on medication and functions to their utmost ability because of it, your arguments don’t hold water. Because for them life was just not productive or satisfying without being able to function at their highest capacity or to their utmost ability.

If you don’t know anyone with Bi-polar disorder then you are lucky to not see a person suffer two very, very different and unmanageable extremes. One in which the patient can be up for four days in a row convinced that they can possibly conquer the world, fix the world’s problems, help everyone, fix everything, do anything, etc without sleep or food. Just going, going, going like the energizer bunny until they crash to the other extreme where they can’t get their face off the floor and they would rather die than make the effort to move to the bed, take a shower, eat or even answer the phone. However, when they are on their medication, in most cases, you wouldn’t even know that they suffer the illness. They are not crazy and they don’t have a mental disorder, they have a medical condition, where the wiring in their brain is misfiring because there are chemicals in their brain that are either too high, too low, or just out of balance like other psychiatric conditions. These issues cannot be cured by other methods because other methods do nothing to replace or rebalance the chemicals that are out of sync.

The professionals in the video explain that once a patient is chemically balanced for whatever the condition is, they can then be helped through therapy to function normally again and get their life back into working order.

“One can have a nose job with local anesthesia” ?????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

soliek, interestingly enough there is a video on the subject in the news section presented by two professionals, a social worker and a Psychiatrist.

Please watch the video on medications presented in the News forum.

Goq, agreed and we still remain friends.

Honestly, the best thing to do is to stay out of it and let them figure it out for themselves. Seriously, don’t give any advice because you see what you think you see or what one party wants you to see. You only hear what you are told by one party or what one party wants you to hear. So if you are not hearing both sides of the story, and you are NOT qualified to give advice just stay out of it.

Always, For the most part post-partum depression is a short term, temporary issue. If that was your diagnosis and that is what the Zoloft was prescribed for then the Doctor would have weaned you off when she felt you were ready. No medication should be stopped cold turkey. Sometimes a medication is switched but usually a patient does not stop these types of drugs cold turkey. Doctors are well aware of the risks and side effects of doing so.

On the other hand, clinical depression is a long term battle and a patient who suffers from that diagnosis might have to stay on medications long term or even for life in order to function at full capacity. So any form of withdrawal or side effects from withdrawal is not an issue for them.

The fact that your friend who works within the community knowing what “everyone” is taking is pretty shocking. She really should not have knowledge of such personal information and if she does that certainly is NOT something she should be discussing. When someone shares that, it is “PRIVATE” and confidential. So either she does not know as much as she claims to know or she is exaggerating what she does know. People are not likely to go around speaking about it, nor do professionals go around discussing their clients. In addition there are various medications similar to Zoloft, and patients try many different medications until they find the one that works for them. It is not a one size fits all situation. So while Zoloft works for one, another med works better for someone else in a similar situation. Or one doctor prescribes Zoloft while another doctor had better results with a similar drug from another company. S/he might have experienced less side effects with their patients or less drug interaction, or whatever. In addition, different patients take different dosages depended on their need, age, weight and other variables. Some are taking it in conjunction with other psychotropic drugs and some just need the one. Every patient and every situation is different.

And yes I am the person behind my comments as are you. You assume that I was placing fault on you. This has nothing to do with “fault” it has everything to do with responsibility. To me the reader, it sounded like YOU were placing fault on your psychiatrist or any psychiatrist for prescribing medication for you or anyone else. To me that was very irresponsible. And yes it is the responsibility of the patient to choose their health care professional carefully and to agree to the treatment. There are many patients who either research the medication on their own or have a friend or family member do it before they agree to take it. In addition, the patient has to feel comfortable both with the health care provider and their method of treatment.

There are many people who NEVER take any medication and rely fully on holistic and organic healing. To each their own.

You are entitled to your opinion that medication is being overprescribed but that is only an opinion if you don’t have the facts and the stats to support it. There are many, many more people suffering in silence who never even see a health professional to help them with their mental health issues. And those that do have waited many years and waited till their issues were truly unmanageable until they gave in and went to see someone. So I would say that in the first place mental health is not something that patients address as soon as they should. And in the second place, by the time they get to a therapist whether they are an MD or not, they need immediate care.

Always if you needed help maybe you shouldn’t have “called” for assistance but rather made an appointment to actually meet with a professional face to face to make an informed decision as to what was actually going on with you and what was the best treatment to seek. It seems like either you don’t trust your OB/GYN, you don’t actually have a relationship, or you tell her what you want and she just complies. If you don’t have the time or inclination to actually go for an evaluation what do you expect? If you wanted an easy out that is what you get. If you want real answers and real treatment then you make the effort to seek it out. And that includes getting involved in your own treatment. And I am not saying that to criticize or put you down. I am saying that because most of us do that. We just don’t take the proper care of ourselves or make time to take care of ourselves like we do to take care of the rest of the family.

The first line of defense is to find out why we are feeling the way we are, the second is working on the issue and the third is taking medication to help out. If you want a quick fix or you don’t make the time to work on your issues with appropriate professionals you might not get the desired outcome.

You had a bad experience, you are not happy and you want to warn everyone not to do what you did. OK, we hear that. But yours is NOT the normal experience. I don’t know where you live and if what happened to you is normal for your area. But is NOT the normal practice for either anxiety, depression or post-partum problems. Psychiatrists don’t just hand out medication In addition, most people don’t even go as far as seeing psychiatrists. There are so many people who are in therapy for those reasons and more who never, ever get to the level of seeing a psychiatrist or having the need to go on medication. Those who do, do so in conjunction with working with a therapist, social worker, psychologist, etc.

Honestly, I don’t know why you are being so defensive. If you went straight to medication without therapy it was your place as the patient to question it. If you felt the psychiatrist jumped to give you medication you should have questioned her or questioned your OB. YOU were the Patient and you had a right to ask questions. If you were NOT happy with your psychiatrist you could have gone back to the OB and asked for a different referral. As the patient you were still the person in charge and in control of your own care. YOU were the one in charge of your own choices as you proved by researching the medication and choosing to go off. Why am I the villain or a 15 year old because I point this out to you?

There are pros and cons with every medication. As much as it can be harmful to some it is a lifeline to others. If it were harmful to all it would be removed from the market. Salt is a killer to some but you can’t remove it from everyone’s diet. As with sugar, as with spice, as with calcium, potassium, zinc, or any other food or mineral that some people might be allergic to or have a sensitivity to. Aspirin is a lifesaver if you are having a heart attack, but for those who have stomach issues, it is very harmful. If you have clotting problems don’t take it. If you understand that people with heart conditions should take an aspirin a day, it still wouldn’t be right of you to say “Aspirin is a miracle medication and everyone should take it every day”. That would be a false statement. And for you to “WARN” everyone about Zoloft because you had a bad experience is also wrong because many people have a very good experience on that medication and it has been very helpful to many people.

In addition warning people that medical professionals just hand out pills because they get kickbacks from the suppliers is counter productive to those who really need their medications to function. Statements like that are akin to yelling “fire” in a theater. It can cause unwarranted panic and havoc and you just don’t have the right to do that.

You do have the right however, to tell your story and let people know what your experience was with that particular medication and that not everyone has a good experience with it.