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I believe we need to put a different perspective on this topic and that is preparing children for marriage. Parents and Yeshivas need to take a more active role in better preparing kids for marriage. They need to understand that marriage is not disposable and that it takes hard work and commitment to make it work. It also takes a certain amount of maturity, wisdom, humor and the ability to compromise as well as putting your spouses needs first. That doesn’t mean that your needs are not important but when each spouse put’s the others needs first, everyone’s needs get addressed and satisfied.
The other thing that needs to be taught is what to look for in a spouse. How to recognize the qualities that are important to YOU (not necessarily your parents), but to you. Know what you are willing to compromise on and know what is absolutely non-negotiable.
If your child is prepared for dating in this manner then once you agree to a prospective shidduch you should be able to trust their judgment. However, anyone who is not ready or prepared to get married should not be dating or getting married just because everyone else is, that is a recipe for disaster not only for them and their spouse, but also for the potential children they bring into the union.
Because it is not the Principal’s business to know that there are boys right in front of him that know incoming applicants. What if the Board of Directors sent an inquiry out to all the parents of the school to inform them that Mr. X is applying for the job of Principal. Does anyone have any knowledge of Mr. X? Please bring your opinions forward so we can evaluate them before we make a decision.
Kollelboy, do you think that is what happens when the position of principal is filled? Do you think that all the parents are questioned? Do you think that is the right way to go about it? What about hiring a Rebbe, maybe the entire Parent body should give their opinions on that too. Maybe somebody heard something about the applicant from a friend that had him in another yeshiva. Maybe their own child had him in another yeshiva. Why is he changing jobs anyway? For that matter why did the principal change jobs? Yeah, why weren’t the parents asked about it? Some pertinent information could have come forth.
Isn’t it more important to know the background and the real lowdown on a mechanech coming in who will be a role model for the children, than to know which children will be coming in? Does that seem appropriate to you? Well if it doesn’t then kal v’chomer it is not appropriate for a principal to be questioning talmidim on incoming students.
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Here is one of the problems and it is well known. Boys still only want to go out with 18 year old girls. Even though they are 25. They still want to go out with the new crop of seminary returnees. Thirty year old boys still want to go out with 20 year old girls. Forty year old guys (divorced or even widowed) still want to go out with 20 year old girls. And people play into this mishugas and redt them these girls. This has been the problem all along. Boys do not go out with girls their own age. Boys also don’t seem to look in the mirror because no matter how short they are, or how heavy they are; no matter how strange they look or how badly they need to see the dermatologist, they only want to go out with the next top model.
Do you know what else is the problem? The mothers of the boys, have put together a list of stupid questions. So not only are they buying into the boys going out with girls too young for their boys, they also put the girls and their parents through this obstacle course till the whole sidduch fizzles out. Frum Jewish girls are beautiful, intelligent, witty and full of yiddish tam and chein. They may not all be a size 2, they might not all be anorexic and they might not all have the face of a vogue model but there is a reason that Hashem made each of us different. If every boy out there is looking for the same girl, there are going to be problems and issues as the ones already created.
A while back i took some girls for a bracha to a Rav who came to the states from E”Y. He spoke only Yiddish or Hebrew and they spoke English so I had to translate. They also said that they daven but they don’t seem to feel their tefilos are being answered. He asked them if they would like a drink and told them to cup their hands. He was about to pour seltzer in their hands and then stopped and asked if the water would stay or drip out between their fingers?
He explained that the hands are not a vessel to hold the water because their are spaces and holes between the fingers. If the heart has holes in it, which is the lack of bitachon and emunah that Hahsem will answer their tefilos then no matter how much they daven and how much Hashem gives there is nothing to hold it, it will keep seeping out and can never be filled.
Anuran, I have no clue who you are talking about. Grieving is a process and these are the most common stages. No it is not written in stone as I mentioned, each person goes through their own personal pain and their own grieving process as everyone is unique and individual. However, since these are the most common and the most known, and what I know of personally to the best of my knowledge that is what I wrote about.
People who are entering the mourning period should not be surprised by these feelings and emotions. Their friends and families should not be surprised or frightened by it either.
In addition, an aveil will have the most uncomfortable feeling of loss of bitachon and emunah. You might feel your bitachon level drop all the way down to zero. But please do not be scared it is normal, and rest assured it will return.
anuran, there is a real and very serious inyan that the shadchan must be paid. There is no minimum or maximum but the shadchan must be compensated. Some couples or family buy a gift or give cash. There have been issues where there is a delay in pregnancy or shalom bayis issues and when these issues were discussed with chashuvah rabbonim the question was asked “was the shadchan compensated?”. This is true. Every chasson and Kallah teacher reiterate that the shadchan must be compensated before walking down to the chupah.
OK, here is a dating tip. Make a list of pareve topics at home. Study that list so YOU know what is proper and what is not. If there is a lull in the conversation that is too long or uncomfortable you can choose a topic from your home list and ask a question to continue. Be prepared so you don’t feel awkward or seem awkward.
OK, now for the topics. Of course there is weather, family, school/yeshiva stories, best part of your day, favorite color, favorite food, favorite sport, travel, family vacation, hobbies, etc.
THE most important things to remember on a date is:
Put your best foot forward
Be polite, mind your manners
Be well groomed
Listen when your date speaks, don’t interrupt; take turns speaking and pay attention
Don’t make it all about you. Don’t talk money, cars, real estate…..keep your ego in check.
It is not a job interview. You don’t have to blurt out everything about yourself on the first date. Save something for later.
Kollelboy, give it up. That is how school works. NEWBIES come in every year, and the Principal is not supposed to know them. How could he? Is a school supposed to take only those they know? I am sorry to tell you this Kollelboy, if a school had to rely on that principle, they would have to close down.
Many people dabble in shidduchim as well as shadchanim. And many, many hours as well as stress and frustrations goes into working on a shidduch. It is stressful and frustrating on both ends, whether you are the “shadchanim” or whether you are the families. On the one had shadchanim usually don’t get paid their shadchanis unless there is a match. That means many, many hours of work and effort put in on your behalf and disappointment at the end. Not because they didn’t make the money, because they didn’t make the match. And then of course there is the disappointment of the family as well.
So please try to look at things from both perspectives. The shidduch process is a very difficult one that when handled with sensitivity and yiras shamayim leads to tremendous simcha. When you say “you get what you pay for” it is a very awkward comment. Everyone is mechuyav to pay their shadchan whether it was their friends that set them up, a neighbor, a stranger or a professional shadchan. No one knows who their sheliach will be. And we have all found out on many occasions that Hashem works in mysterious ways and sometimes has a very interesting sense of humor.
I just want to remind all you mothers out there. These “prospective” daughters-in-law who you are putting through the ringer in the dating process will not forget what you put them through when they are the wives of your sons and mothers of your grandchildren that you chalash to see. So don’t be so full of yourselves in your need to know, and your quest for the best. In the end you will have exactly what Hashem picked for your son. However, the relationship you will have with your daughter-in-law is out of his hands and completely in yours.
It is a delicate subject and everyone grieves in their own way although the grieving process is similar for everyone, following the same 5 stages of grieving. Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Acceptance & Depression.
Although people have the habit of saying “I know what you are going through I lost my…..” No one really knows what a person is truly going through. Even siblings grieving for the same parent are not going through the same thing and doesn’t really understand each other fully. Since each sibling has their own individual memories, their own individual experiences and therefore are going through their own individual grief and pain.
People also are so flustered when they make their shiva call they don’t know what to say so they say the most stupid and irrational things. If you are the one unfortunately that may be entering this tragic situation please know that this is a common occurrence and the aveilim will compare notes at the end of the night and just laugh at it. Many a visitor has “redt a shidduch to the aveil”. Even thought the nifter or nifteres wasn’t yet even cold in the grave. Many a visitor put in an offer on the home, or offered the name of a good lawyer so the family can sue the doctor for malpractice.
People should know that there is going to be awkward silences at the shiva house and that’s OK. It is not up to the visitors to make conversation. The Aveilim will begin to speak when they are ready.
As far as helping others who are grieving. At the beginning of the process the best thing to do is be a great listener. Be there so a person can share the pain, release the pain, talk out their hearts. Be there to listen, to share, even to cry with another person. When you share the pain you allow them to unburden themselves and lighten the load.
Also please realize that the when a person is grieving they are not their normal selves and their normal chores do not get done. Their children are missing that parent. The household is not being run normally. Ask the non-grieving parent what needs to be done to pick up the slack. What does the grieving person need? What do the kids need to help get the home back to normal.
After a period of time, if the person in pain is not coming out to do normal things, start visiting. Don’t allow them to indulge themselves to be alone in their grief.
Years ago I befriended a woman who had ten children and lost one to leukemia. Since that child had died 10 years earlier, it was always about mourning that child’s death. The kid’s lives were never the same, everything was about loss. Do you know what I told her? I said I can hear your child banging on his coffin yelling “can the rest of you get out of here there is no room for me!!!”. It got to her. I told her it was high time she stopped mourning his death and honor his life! That was a turning point for her.
Hashem has it all figured out. There are very little halachas involved in the mourning ritual and that just translates into the nature of the human being, that every one is an individual and their needs are different.
The time for mourning a child, a sibling and a parent is different and that too is natural. So watch your loved ones and don’t let things get too out of control or out of hand. If you think they are going too far, you might have to get them professional assistance.
If an “adult” principal needs the advice of a child, he is in the wrong profession!
Speaktruth, it sounds like you have had your share of bud-in-skees. People mean well but unfortunately have not learned the fine art of minding their own business. If someone finds you interesting and thinks they have a prospective shidduch for you (let’s just use you for an example) then it is perfectly fine to approach you and introduce themselves. However the first thing they should do is say “You are such a lovely girl, I found myself intrigued are you single I might have a shidduch for you, may I ask you a few questions?” If you are looking for a shidduch you can answer a few or actually sit down with the woman or just answer a few general questions and then say “My parents really handle my initial inquiries may I give you my mother’s number?”.
However, if someone starts in on you with negativity have some clever getaways in the ready such as: Look at your watch “OMG is it 2:00 already? Where has the time gone, I will be late for work, class, bus, train, etc….” or “So nice to see you again, I will give regards to my Mom, gotta go!”, “So sorry I can’t stay, I have a date at…..” “I have a makeover in 15 minutes and I can’t be late, gotta go!”.
There are rules and agreements with the Vaad that you are connected to. And don’t forget that if you don’t have a temidi you still have a yotzei v’nichnas who will realize that you are gone and you will lose your hechsher. If you know that you will be away for a period of time or you know that you are ill and will be out a day or two it is your responsibility to call the vaad and get a mashgiach temidi to fill in for you and yes PAY them. If you don’t the VAAD will consider you unreliable and either take away your hechsher or take away your keys and require that you have a full time temidi.
If at any point it is necessary to do random searches, it should be done in the most discreet and non-humiliating way. And by no means should a principal do it alone. He should ask the student to please come to the office and not indicate why, and then ask another adult to come in as well.
He should say to the student clearly “I am not accusing you of anything but you know that the Yeshiva has a policy of random search and I am supposed to enforce it. Do you have anything on your person that you should not have or is against the rules of the yeshiva? Would you mind emptying your pockets into this plastic bag?”
After it is done, the Principal should say “Thank you for your cooperation”. In this manner as he does the random search of any student and then of a student that he suspects, the students can compare experiences and see they were the same and that all were treated fairly. In addition, there would be another adult present to realize whether or not the principal is picking on any particular student and if he is treating all equally. If done with seichel and not bullying it does not have to become an issue.
oomis, That is so true and it is a very difficult thing to do. The other option is as I have done in the past is say, “Well then get a good night’s rest and set your alarm clock extra early so you can do it in the morning. Next time don’t wait till the last minute.”
A child’s perspective is just that, the perspective of another child with their own spin on things. What makes you think a child does not have their own agenda at hand? That’s the problem here, a child is still a child. Maybe when they were younger there was an issue between them. Maybe subconsciously he remembers and disses the kid. Maybe there are only a few slots and he is rooting for his own friend or another kid? Kids are kids after all. What makes you think he is actually giving over his own perspective and not what he heard his old Rebbe say about the kid or what his parents said, or maybe because on of them said the kid is bad news he is agreeing and not sticking up for the applicant because he knows him on a different level.
Kids show off in front of each other to make themselves important. I can’t believe that you would put your trust in young H.S. boys to sway the opinion of the Principal. Its a game to them. They can say they don’t like a kid because he is fat, sloppy or has acne! Maybe because as a younger child he hated taking showers and he smelled bad or he didn’t like to share.
I think you are giving the kids too much credit here. I doubt that we are talking about Seniors because they probably wouldn’t know incoming talmidim, so it is most likely freshies or sophs. We are not talking about an older teen, more polished with a little more maturity and common sense.
If you are looking for perfection it isn’t out there. No one is perfect except for Hashem. I only wish mothers would stop thinking up new and more outlandish obstacles to put the poor girls through in their never ending quest to find the best! The only thing you wind up doing is wasting years of your son’s life, years of his happiness. Just go ask the older singles about their stories.
There is another site I believe Funky Frum I saw it advertised in IN FASHION magazine. I believe you can find a lot of advertisers on the OnlySimchas.com website.
Are you aware that having a mashgiach in a glatt kosher restaurant only became a requirement less than 20 years ago? Are any of you aware of what happened to require this? I am curious to see your responses.
In the mean time it depends on whether it is a milchig or fleishig restaurant and if it is owned by a Frum Jew or not. It also makes a difference if the frum owner is always there or if he has a frum manager there or not. If there is no one frum at the restaurant then they usually require a mashgiach temidi. If there is they may only require a yotzei v’nichnas. It also depends if they serve lettuce and other vegetables that need to be checked. In that case they may require a temidi because they make it his job to check the vegetables.
Does anyone know what type of training on needs to go through to become a mashgiach? I am also curious if anyone knows this.
Sorry Kollelboy but YOU are wrong. The job of the Talmidim is to learn! The job of the Principal is to do the administrative work and that includes making the decisions about applicants. Those discussions should be made in the office between those who interviewed the applicants, such as the ones who farhered him, maybe the guidance counselor, maybe his current Rebbe, and the parents of the applicant. He should take into account the application itself, the essay the child wrote, etc. Children should never have a say in whether another child gets accepted or not. It is irresponsible of a principal to do this. If he were a licensed principal or administrator I am quite sure that the board of licensing would look into this.
Personally I feel the more chumras you keep placing on kids today the more likely they will snap and run. I remember my cousin who is a chashuv Rav today in Eretz Yisroel with b”ah 15 children and over 50 grandchildren by now, was obsessed with Rocky and Bullwinkle as was most of his chevrah and that was the TvD graduating class of ’65.
Kids need an outlet, kids need exercise, kids need a break from learning so that they can absorb what they learned and come back fresh and refreshed to take in more. There is nothing treif about sports as long as they don’t get into the life and lifestyles of the players. There is nothing wrong with enjoying games or going to games or listening to games or even watching games as long as everything is done in moderation. We all know that one bowl of cholent is enough, more than that and there is going to be trouble.
I went to my son’s Yeshiva dinner and the Rosh thanked us all for coming (big crowd) knowing that there was a big game that night. At several intervals he himself announced the scores. So let’s remember that Yiddin darf zein b’simcha. And we can’t always be serious and have our noses in a sefer 24/7. We have to live a little too. Let’s appreciate ALL the good things Hashem has given us in moderation while understanding what as my father a”h used to say is “git fahr yiddin” or not.
Computers should always be in full view of the entire family!!!! It should be placed in conspicuous areas like the kitchen or family room so everyone can see what you are doing. YOU meaning everyone in the family children and parents alike. There is nothing that anyone has to do on the computer that should not be seen by other members of the family who walk into the room. That said, they of course should not be looking over your shoulder if you are doing your banking, confidential work, etc.
Just knowing that anyone can peak and see that you are “on the wrong page” will help fight the yetzer horah. There is also a way of tracking the history on the computer to see where someone has been. So that is another way to help the family fight the yetzer horah. Starting out this way and putting up filters, using some suggestions from others above, helps the family start off on the right foot and avoid problems.
With all that said keep in mind that boys will be boys and if they want to see and know they will find a way just like your generation did. There are still magazines in stores and there are still movie houses and there are still books in libraries. They are just like you and your friends were at that age. There were many a yeshiva bochur that found their way into the very, very asur theater near the mir yeshiva many moons ago.
So the best way to keep your child from going that direction is to be upfront and honest with them. Have the proper line of communication, speak to them about what is happening with them and what their changes are all about. Explain to them about hormones etc. Remind them that although Hashem is preparing them for the future and all this is good and natural, there is going to be a tough battle between the yetzer horah and the yetzer tov and they will have to work hard to win and control the desire to give in.
Unfortunately you can’t push another person through the grieving process. Everyone has to do it at their own pace. Men are not usually talkers, it is hard for them to open up and share their feelings. Sometimes its better to talk it out or open up with a stranger in a safer environment.
He might consider speaking to his Rav or seeing a grief counselor/therapist for a few weeks so he can allow his feelings to come out and not hold it back.
Although YOU might have the strongest of needs to help him, it might not align with HIS needs at the moment. Everyone grieves in their own way. He might feel very vulnerable right now. He might not want to seem weak to you, he might want to be more protective of you at the moment and be more supportive of you but just can’t right now and that might be very hard for him.
Do you know that old adage “you look like someone who lost his best friend”? We say that so often without thinking and you, nebech, really truly understand what that means. Everyday you see someone who looks like they lost their best friend and is not dealing with it. But you can’t force someone to do it, and you also can’t avoid the possible explosion of emotions when he finally does. All you really can do is offer your support, love and compassion. Give him a safe space to come home to where he feels secure. If you find the right moment you can ask him if he would like you to find him a grief counselor/therapist for him to talk to so he can have a completely private and confidential person that he can discuss his feelings and emotions with. Or you can do the research and send him an email with the info saying “I am concerned about you and thought that speaking to one of these professionals might help. It is just a suggestion.”
If you don’t confront or push but allow him time to digest the information he might take the first step and make an appointment.
Kollelboy I think you should start a new thread about Stupid School Rules.
Firstly I want to tell you that I certainly understand that the shidduch parsha is quite a difficult one and a serious one. It is not as fun as kids think it is going to be. If you are lucky to hit it on the first shot, meaning if Hashem truly blessed you and sent both of you your basherts right out of the gate, you truly would have been the luckiest people, because it would save you from the heartache of dating.
I know people laugh and make fun saying “don’t marry the first girl, or the first boy, you wont have anyone to compare them to. The thing is why do you need to compare? You have to judge each shidduch on its own merits and not be looking over your shoulder or around the corner for what else is out there. Comparing is a waste of time because it never stops. You just have to work with what Hashem sends you and see if this shidduch will be a good companion for you, a good parent to your children, a good spouse, a good partner, a good role model. Is there a physical attraction? Is there an intellectual connection? That will lead and build to an emotional connection.
Having said that the question I would ask you is this, what could you have done differently at that time to bring about a different outcome? Did you show the real you? Did you act appropriately? Did you do anything you shouldn’t have? If there is something you could have or should have done differently that would have kept the process going, then having realized that it would be worth pursuing. Humbling yourself by contacting the shadchan recognizing that you made a mistake and you might have given her a wrong impression of you, or you might have unintentionally offended her or turned her off, and that you would be honored if she gave you a second chance, might portray you in a new light as far as she is concerned.
However, if there is nothing you would have or could have done differently back then, and there is nothing about you that you know for fact that was in your control that caused the break up then you have to consider the fact that maybe it just wasn’t bashert. Understand that you can’t change other people and you shouldn’t change yourself to please other people because you will never be happy and it won’t work out in the end. Many people in such a situation think “I can change to please her, I can be who she wants me to be” and that doesn’t work. So I am hoping that is not the case with you. If she is looking for something that is not in your make-up or not in your skill level, or not in your personality then let it go.
However, as I said, if there is something worth pursuing because you think it was a misunderstanding and you can actually easily be on the same page go back to the same shadchan and be honest and straight-forward; brace yourself for rejection because it could happen but its worth it if on the other hand you succeed.
It is absolutely true what people have said about the second time around and how happy they are, but it is also true that the divorce rate has risen tremendously among young couples. The commitment to hang in there and keep making it work is just not there. Young adults going into marriage for the wrong reasons, choosing their spouses on the wrong criteria, thinking that they can change each other to bend to their own requirements is just leading to heartbreak, dysfunctional and broken families and children who are lost and in tremendous pain. So I say this with the utmost and sincerest blessing for your success and happiness.
If you have the confidence that there is something worth pursuing by all means go for it!
I just read what you wrote about your research. The one thing you didn’t mention is that each soul has friends and relatives that they too lost and are waiting for them on the other side to help them through their journey. So as painful as everything is that the neshama might have to experience she is not alone and is being guided through the process. She might have been greeted by her parents or grandparents or other loved ones that she loved and missed for a long time. As much as Hashem takes away he also gives. So please don’t ever feel that your friends are alone, they are never alone.
I am sorry for your pain. It is a tough time for you losing two close friends, not understanding why and not having answers. It is a shock and you will go through the grieving process. Please don’t try to fight it, it is something that you have to do. If you put it off it will hit you later.
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Coal, I believe that the neshama is at peace and watches over us. I also believe one thousand percent that they are with us at our most momentous of times. I absolutely felt my father’s presence at my daughter’s wedding. He walked down to the Chupah with me and he stood with me throughout the entire ceremony. It felt like an angel on my shoulder.
Many things happen in a person’s life that we wonder about, how did that happen, how come I didn’t get hurt, that is an amazing shidduch almost as if it was hand picked, etc. And then we realize someone is looking out for me, him, her, etc. You can feel that there is a special neshama/angel that is directing things, stepping in on our behalf so to say. Although this baby’s mother can not hold her in her arms, she is not far away, not even for a moment and when she is sleeping and you see a smile on her face it just might be her mother that put it there.
We don’t know why the mother or both women were taken. We just don’t understand why Hashem does what he does. But he will provide for the child and the mother will watch over her..
I am sorry for your pain. It is a tough time for you losing two close friends, not understanding why and not having answers. It is a shock and you will go through the grieving process. Please don’t try to fight it, it is something that you have to do. If you put it off it will hit you later.
We can share with you the experiences that we have had, and offer you nechama and of course we are here for you to listen to your pain and help ease it.
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Any lawyer who takes such a case is as foolish as their client. Any judge with his head screwed on straight should throw this case out of court. It is absolutely ridiculous and a waste of the court’s time and the taxpayer’s money. Even a case of unlawful death would never sue for such an outrageous amount nor would they expect to recover it and that would be a good reason for a suit, losing a life that can’t be replaced. Poor customer service is not a reason to place such a high monetary value on its worth. Any wise and professional judge would be well in his rights to accuse the plaintiff of trying to create a media circus and dismiss the case. It is an attack on the integrity of the law and the court, in my humble opinion. In yiddish I would say er macht a gelechter fin de dayan.
arc you said it yourself, when you “buy” the tickets you are supporting that organization. That doesn’t mean if you win, your intention is to continue that support with the your 10%. You could possibly choose to give part of it, half of it, all of it or none of it. It is not up to the organization to assume that. You might be supporting various institutions or have hakoras hatov to many. You might wish to support a local Rav, or a poor family that you wanted to help but couldn’t before. Your child might be very behind in tuition payment and they might be threatening to kick your grandchild out of yeshiva, that donation might be a gift from Hashem to help not only that child but all your children with tuition and/or mortgage payments.
I am sorry but I just don’t agree with you, it is utter chutzpah to make the assumption that anyone would WANT you to automatically deduct the maaser for yourself. And it is illegal. The organization should remit the entire amount and include an envelope in case they wish to make a contribution.
The emunah and bitachon comes back slowly like refilling an empty cup. At first I couldn’t step back into shul, I couldn’t daven or make a brocha. My husband told the Rav, he thought I was going nuts. I wouldn’t take any phone calls or come to the door when someone came calling. The Rav told him not to worry, it is all normal.
Whenever I saw an elderly man in the street with a Kangarol cap on my heart would stop! And then I would get angry and say to myself Hashem, look why not him? Why my father? And then I said “C”V, I am sorry. I don’t wish this man any harm. If I was in a store and I heard one of my favorite songs, a touching english song “I will always love you”, it was like a mantra I was saying to my father, I burst out in tears and ran out of the store. If I heard it on the car radio, I burst out in tears and had to pull over. I slept for months with a framed picture of my mother and father in my arms. My husband was petrified that it would crack and I would get cut from the glass. He never went to sleep until I was sound asleep and he could pry it from my arms.
After a few months I automatically started conversing with Hashem again, and speaking to the kids more normally about emunah, etc. my cup was filling up. I am not sure when I stopped being angry but we were dialoguing once again. I was asking for favors “please Hashem take care of my mother, please Hashem help me through this…”
Pesach we were at a hotel with my 2 brothers-in-law and their families. One of my sisters-in-law was also in aveilus for her mother. The other’s parents were with us. I felt privileged to have at least one set of parents with us. But as we started to say the Hagadah, I heard my father’s voice and tone in the Zeide’s speech (they come from similar backgrounds) I closed my eyes and I was transported back to my father’s Pesach table. I became overwhelmed and fled from the table. Everyone was terrified. They didn’t know what to do with me. I ran to the restroom and broke down and cried. I couldn’t get control of myself and no one else could either. My poor husband didn’t know whether to call Hatzolah or the funny farm. My daughter just stayed in the rest room with me until I stopped. I washed my face and went back to the table, picked up my Hagaddah and kept going as best as I could. I refused to look at or speak to anyone.
My father a”h was a great man. He walked through the fire and came out with only one brother. He was a kind and generous man and all his life he helped people. He was a baker and worked at night. All the women on our block knew that he was home by day, sleeping but home. In case of an emergency, they called my home and he got up and ran. If he saw old people standing in the bus stop, he would stop his car and give them rides. When there was a bus strike in the city, he slept for 2 hours after work then got up to shuttle people to work and kids to school. That is the kind of man he was.
Everything I do, I do in his name. Every tzedaka I give I give in his name. I always stop and ask myself if he would approve if he would be proud of what I am doing. And not only him, but I ask myself if my father-in-law a”h a Rav would be proud of me as well. He used to collect tzedaka for others and when I found myself collecting tzedaka for at-risk kids I look up to shamayim, wink and think “you are doing this to me, are you happy?”.
So healing is a process, emunah and bitachon comes back in stages. It leaves all at once but it does not return that way. It is different with everyone as a relationship with each person is different. Ten siblings can be sitting shiva in the same home for the same person but each one is going through their own pain. Each one feels different and no one really knows how each individual feels, because each one had their own personal relationship with the nifter. Each one has their own personal memories of the nifter. So each one has their own personal pain.
To Yoshi, I am sorry you are going through tzar, may you only know from simchas and nachas.
To Best Bubby, I love you!! We seem to come from similar backgrounds and I won’t fight you for the title of best bubby, but my grandchildren might. Your father and my father could have been blood brothers, they certainly were both made from similar molds. My father used to wash his car in his driveway. All the kids on the block came to help and he always had a clean rag for each. We used to take pictures from the porch. When they were done, he gave each a chocolate bar. Then he went to the local car wash because they made such a mess of his car. He didn’t want them to be insulted so he made sure the car shined for them.
If my father passed a handicapped or mentally disabled child in the street, he would always stop and give them shalom aleichem, a good handshake.
B”H, when we lose someone we love we don’t lose the wonderful memories that we have and that is why as Bubbies and Zeidies we must do our best to build wonderful memories for our grandchildren as well.
in all fairness, I think that anyone that starts the nonsense should be prepared to give as much as they ask. So if you are asking for a handwriting analysis on a prospective young lady (which I still think is uncalled for) then be prepared with an analysis of your son’s handwriting. Keep in mind that most boy’s handwriting is barely legible, nonetheless be prepared to hand it over first if you ask for it from the other side.
Be prepared to give over the same answers on your child and yourselves that you ask about the other side. They have the absolute right to know everything about you and your child as you want to know about them and their child.
Hello99, I don’t agree, we are not talking shidduchim here, where someone is looking to friends to find out appropriate and accurate information. We are talking about High School and the selection process which has become an elitist society and an AAA club. It does not afford opportunities to the vast majority of K’lal Yisroel.
Snooping around among other talmidim and giving them the power to judge their peers in this way only promotes more of the same as well as Loshon Horah. It is a bad example of chinuch, ahavas achim, ben adom l’chaveiro and aneevus. Better to teach Kol Yisroel areivim zeh l’zeh. It is better to give opportunities to all types of students and help them grow and achieve.
It is better to keep kids out of these discussions and let the administration make up their own minds according to a child’s farher and incoming records. It is far better for an administration to give a kid a clean slate when they come and allow a child to prove themselves without past baggage to drag them down. You would be tremendously surprised how many children girls and boys who were given the opportunity in a new yeshiva to be reborn grabbed on to it like a solid brass ring and were totally successful.
When a child is told I don’t care what happened in the past that’s history. When you come into MY yeshiva you have a clean slate. I don’t want to hear any Loshon Horah on you, I didn’t listen yesterday and I don’t want anyone coming to me from here on in. Don’t give them reason to. Today we start fresh. Are you ready? Do you know the rules? Do you want to be here? Are you prepared to abide by them? Do we have an agreement then? Terrific, I am very happy to welcome you aboard.
If you need help in any area don’t be afraid to say so and we will get you the help you need right away so you don’t fall behind. Understand it is YOUR responsible to let us know, (your Rebbe or teacher) that you need help. If you fall behind it is your responsibility because I am offering you right now at this very moment to get you help if you need it. Everyone needs help every once in a while so don’t let it become an issue. We all have bumps in the road. Sometimes a little help goes a long way.
Any questions? I will get someone to show you around and get you acclimated.
Hello 99, what do you think happens in such a scenario? A kid that was told he was stupid, bad, incapable, can’t… all of a sudden feels that he can, that he is welcome that he belongs and that he can achieve because these people care about him and they will encourage him to get to his goals. He will feel the positive energy for everyone to move forward together instead of the race to make it to the top leaving those that slack behind. He knows that HE is accountable and responsible but also knows that he is not alone, he has support here.
de tam fin der verter is anderish ven mi zugt de drasha in english. A rav fin 100 yur vuz vill ous reden zan hartz, zol ehr nisht zan bakvemt? zol ehr nisht reden in zein eigeneh sprach? Vi azoi denkt ehr, en yiddish or in english? Avadeh denkt ehr in yiddish un ehr teitched ibber oif english ven ehr redt tzu kinder. Ober vein ehr hut geredt Yom Tov tzu di gantza kehilah ehr hut geret fin zahn hartz, nisht fin a papier vus ehr hut getaicht faren yom tov.
I am a bit confused. When you say he is the principal of High School and he discusses future talmidim with current talmidim what does that have to do with your age? High school students are still the same age, teen-agers. Did I miss something?
If you were so upset about these women and discovered that they were eating treif that you didn’t take that issue up with your RAV but chose to ask your sheilah here? That bothers me, and indicates to me that you might not be honest and sincere.
Secondly, if you suspect that they are eating treif, you could easily stop at their table and cleverly say “oh, i didn’t know that this store was kosher, who gives the hechser here?”. That would be the nicest and most polite way of bringing it to their attention without snooping behind their backs, asking the non-jew or non-frum jew who works the counter or giving tochacha because you feel you are better then them. I’m sorry if I offend you but that is what the tone of your post sounds like.
The appropriate thing to do if you think they are eating treif is take it to your RAV and ask him if you should say something, or if you should ask the guy behind the counter to let them know that it is not a Kosher store. If he says you should approach them, he will probably ask you if you know for sure that they bought the food there and did not bring it from home and just buy coffee. IF you know for sure that they bought it there, then maybe the best thing to do with the RAV’s ok, is to do as I suggested and act surprise and say “I didn’t know this store was kosher, who gives the hasgacha here?”. This will cause the least amount of embarrassment for them if said in the proper tone and not in a sarcastic manner. Or if they go at a regular time, maybe the Rav himself can go in and just stop by and mention, “You probably didn’t realize, but this store is not one of the Kosher Starbucks.” This is also a way to minimize their embarrassment. There are ways of giving tochecha that doesn’t have to cause embarrassment and humiliation especially when someone is doing wrong b’shgagah and not purposely.
Everyone copes differently. It depends on your relationship, how old the person was, what your experiences was with the person. You grieve differently for a friend than for a parent, differently for a sibling than a child, etc.
It is important to understand the grieving process. I believe it is a 5 stages of grieving that goes like this:
1. Denial and Isolation.
2. Anger.
3. Bargaining.
4. Depression.
5. Acceptance.
You should also know that when you lose someone close like a parent, don’t be surprised if you lose your bitachon in Hashem and you get very angry at him. Please do not worry too much and do not be concerned. You will feel very lost when this happens and very alone, but your bitachon will return. It is very normal and it is a process you go through, but I promise and guarantee you it will return to you 100%.
I don’t know if you are male or female. As difficult as it is for men to make minyan and daven for the amud 3 times a day for 11 months when they lose a parent, in a sense it is easier for them because they have something specific they are charged to do. Women get up from shiva and that’s it. Their job is over. There are things they can’t do, but there is nothing they have to do and that is very difficult as well. There is a need to do something. You get up from shiva and you feel “what now? what am i supposed to do now?” especially when you were taking care of a sick parent, or constantly going to the hospital with a sick relative. All of a sudden everything is over, no one is coming, you are left to your own devices and expected to get back to a normal routine. But nothing is normal, you lost a loved one. You feel like how can the world just keep going on like nothing happened? Don’t they know that so and so died? Men are actually showing people and telling people “we lost someone, I am saying Kaddish, I am not shaving, etc.”. But women don’t really do anything outright. Many of us burn a week-long candle all year in our homes. We do our best to keep the same fire going and light one candle from the fire of the candle that is burning out. But that is it.
I had an experience that I was told was also common. it frightened me at first but then it calmed me. The Friday night a week after I got up from shiva, I fell asleep after lecht bentchen, I was holding a photo of my father as I did every night since my father left us. All of a sudden I saw him, he came to me as real as life and told me to that he was ok and that I should take care of my mother. I sat up and reached for him but couldn’t touch him I started to cry and scream and my screaming woke me up. I was shaking and ran out of my room downstairs to my living room. My next door neighbor was sitting on my couch and jumped up to hold me and asked me what happened. I told her and she sat me down and smiled at me. She told me the same thing happened to her after her father died. She said the neshama comes back once to the closest one to let them know they are ok.
I tried for years to bring my father back in my dreams but I never could. It is now 17 years since my father a”h is gone. I can picture him in my mind but he never talks to me.
How to help others also depends on what they need, everyone is different. The best way to help others is to listen to understand and ask them “how can I offer you support through this trying time?”. If you know them well enough then pitch in where they need it the most, help with the kids, with homework, laundry, car-pool, cooking, etc. Ask the husband how the wife is doing, if she is taking calls, if she wants visitors, how she is coping with the housework, the kids, etc. Ask where your assistance would be most appreciated. If it is the husband that has suffered the loss, ask the wife. Maybe he needs an extra man to make the 10th for a minyan during mid-day for mincha? Maybe he needs a ride to the train in the morning or to be picked up from the train so he makes minyan, etc. Maybe he is depressed and can’t drive right now. Maybe he needs extra people to learn mishnayas before the shloshim.
Thank you from bringing this very sensitive subject tot he table.
First of all kudos to you for putting your thoughts and feelings to pen and paper, or rather screen and keyboard. I feel your passion coming through in your words. I have been working with the at-risk community for 7 years now and B”H have seen much nachas from almost all of the wonderful neshamas Hashem has sent my way. I have said many times to many people who don’t understand “I have never met a bad kid, just kids with bad issues.” These kids, who are now adults, have become extended members of my family.
My philosophy is this. Children have the two legs Hashem b”h gave them, one is planted steadily and firmly in the foundation of the home and one in the foundation of their school/yeshiva. If the foundation of either begin to crack the child begins to stumble and fall. It takes the stability of both home and school, working as a team to guarantee the success of the child. If either the home or school environment becomes unstable or dysfunctional, the child is incapable of handling the stress and insecurity of the situation. Where do they go, who do they turn to, who will believe them, who do they trust? Many times they are threatened, many times they are overwhelmed, many times they are hurting so badly they are falling apart on the inside. Sometimes the pain is so bad their hearts and minds feel like they are going to explode.
When a child comes to school and something is off what does a mechanech do? Well let’s take the case of a child that comes to school without her uniform? Do they worry that something is amiss at home or do they punish the child for having the gall and chutzpah for breaking the rule? How does a school respond when parents separate or divorce? What kind of support system is offered to the child. Remember the home is becoming dysfunctional and unstable, the only “safe” place for the child is now the school. How is the school picking up the slack? They are not. What happens when a parent is sick, c”v dies, or has a huge financial setback? Children are terribly frightened and imagine all kinds of horrific scenarios; they see monsters under the bed. How does the school help that child. They don’t!
What happens to the child that gets bullied in school, how does the parents back them up? Do they confront the Rosh Yeshiva? Not really. Does the child even tell the parents? What happens if the child is being abused in school by his Rebbe and threatened does the child have anyone to turn to? No! What if the school knows about it, or have known about it for years and done nothing? What if the Rebbe humiliates the child in class? What if the teacher doesn’t like him and keeps kicking him out? What if the Rebbe or teacher never calls on him or keeps failing him? What if the teacher never goes over the homework?
There are a lot of ways children get destroyed and unlike adults, they don’t have the mental capacity or ability to think things through appropriately and understand who to turn to, who to trust with the information, how to handle it and what to do. So how do they handle the pain? Another child in pain recognizes the tears just hanging at the edge of the eyes ready to fall at any minute. They can recognize the fear, sadness and the pain in each other and they try to help. But they don’t know how to fix the situation they only know what someone else in the same situation taught them and that is how to escape the pain. They self-medicate. They start with cigarettes and alcohol. Then when that doesn’t work fast enough or deep enough they go to drugs first pot and then harder drugs. Not because it is fun, because it makes them numb. They don’t have to feel the pain and they don’t think about it when they are high. Some even start cutting themselves so they can concentrate on the physical pain instead of the emotional pain.
What happens to their emunah and bitachon in Hashem? What happens to their connection with Yiddishkeit? Well all their lives they were taught if you are a good child and do mitzvos Hashem will give you rewards, schar, Hashem will take care of you, Hashem takes care of the Jews, that’s why we daven and do mitzvos. But they did all the mitzvos they were taught. They did everything they were told to do, but look what happened. Terrible things happened in their family either to them or to others. Or terrible things happened in school. The people they looked up to the Rebbeim and Teachers didn’t act like proper Jews to them. So either Jews are hypocrites or the religion is so their bitachon and emunah take a nosedive and they give up on it.
Who did that to them? Who chased them away from religion, Torah and mitzvos? Many people blame these children and say “They Choose” to ignore yiddishkeit. That is not true. They are angry at Hashem, they feel he let them down and that HE threw them away, lied to them, didn’t hold up his end of the bargain. They are confused and hurt. They are licking their wounds.
And then what happens? They take off their kippah and tzizis they start dressing like goyim, they look shabby, drabby and dark. People refer to them as “bumbs, sheigitz, goy, etc.”. People pull away when they pass by and make them feel worse. But do you know what? Goyim welcome them with open arms. So Jews are hypocritical once again. There is no ahavas yisroel, that was also a lie. They only love you if you listen to them. If you break the rules they don’t even consider you a Jew.
And then as you get a little older and you travel through this dark, dark journey you may be lucky enough to meet someone that is not scared of your appearance, that offers you a smile and a hello. That asks you if you ate today or if they can help you in anyway and they happen to be a Jew that cares for no other reason that you are Hashem’s child and another Jew and that makes an impact on you. You start building a relationship with that person because they are genuine and they explain that the people who hurt you are just plain bad people which come in various forms Jews and non-jews, frum and non-frum, large and small, men and women, etc. Because Hashem gave people freedom of choice. They also explain that it is time to let go of the pain because Hashem is the ultimate score keeper and those Jews who hurt you so badly will have to give a din v’chesbon after 120 when they meet their maker so you can give it up to Hashem and begin the healing process. You start to take this in and realize it feels good to let it go, it feels good to give it over and come back to the surface of reality. It is a slow process but getting healed and healthy feels good, as good if not better than when you started your journey down that black hole when you wanted to numb the pain.
And when you turn your life around you find that people, judgmental Jews are like elephants with long memories. They just wont let you forget. So I say to you Yosef, directly to you and anyone in your position, I know many, many young people in your position, many of you have been able to put the past in the past and lead successful lives. Many have faced additional nisyonos like you are currently experiencing. Let me just remind you that Hashem is still keeping score and he is writing down every account of these Judgmental Jews, Rabbonim and all, who are throwing more boulders in your path.
You keep on doing what you are doing and you will find your road to success. Reach for the stars and you will eventually get there. Don’t let anyone bring you down or get in your way. Anyone that tries is not emesdik. You have not found your shelichim yet. Because your emesdik shelichim that will show you the path to your success will not surround you with negativity. They will shower you with encouragement and positive energy, ahavas yisroel and ahavas torah, mitzvos and maasim tovim.
Hatzlocha to you and all those you are helping, you will get where you are destined to be!!
Du bist zeier gerecht. Ech ken nisht farshtanen far vus m’ret nisht Yiddish mit kleineh kinder. Ech zei in shul az a zoi feil menchen un vabelech yingeh un eltereh farshtanen nisht kan vort fin yiddish. Ven der Rav a”h hut gegeben a drasha far d yomim noraim, an alta mentch, eber 100 yur alt, mit zan ganza koach tzu shtanen un tzu redin un mut gekeeked oif de vent, mut nisht farshtanen nisht kein ain vort fin de chashuva verter fin vus ehr hut ebergegen mit de ganza hartz un mit bitera treiren.
woah, we changed the topic from “don’t judge unless you walk in another’s shoes” to whether or not a person should be picky in shiduchim. That wasn’t the issue, the issue was the assumption that one person had going over to the other with her comment that she shouldn’t be picky in shidduchim. That was quite an assumption and quite a chutzpa to “stick her nose in” where she was not asked to, in my humble opinion.
Hi everyone, I am a new member. I didn’t know about the CR and all the interesting topics you guys discuss. It was a nice find. It keeps me from shopping on the internet. So thank you all for saving my hubby tons of $$$$$$$$$.
Bodek, what I tell the girls/boys I work with is this. Take a look outside and see who Hashem has put together. Would you ever dream of making such shiduchim? Maybe what YOU have in mind is contradictory to what Hashem actually has in mind for you. Take a good look in the mirror and ask yourself what are you really turning away? What has Hashem sent your way that you have rejected? Maybe you should take another look at what is being presented to you, maybe you have to look closer, maybe you are looking at the wrong things. And I say what I said here, you can’t change a person from the inside out, but the outside is just a cover and covers can be adjusted. Look at the couples Hashem put together Tall with short, fat with skinny, beautiful with plain jane, not every couple is a reflection of each other and yet they seem to be a perfect match. People are not perfect and yet Hashem manages to make perfect shidduchim. How? You have to look beyond the wrapping, stop being so superficial, you need to polish a diamond to make it sparkle.
kollelboy123, why do you think it is a bad rule?
Why did what do you love about the 5 towns turn into another judgmental discussion? Yes we say GM and GS to one another because we are a community we are not just bodies living near each other. We are human beings, we are Jews and we acknowledge that especially on Shabbos! We are happy to meet another Jew on Shabbos and are happy to be able to greet another Jew and so we do and we teach our children to do so. When you pass families even the youngest of children will offer a GS and it is a wonderful feeling. There is nothing wrong with it, there is nothing personal about it and there is nothing sexual about it. It means nothing more than ahavas yisroel and the joy of being able to greet another jew male or female, young or old, handsome or ugly, tall or short, fat or skinny, MO or Chasidish. Maybe the joy comes from being raised by holocaust survivors that instilled in us the love of every Jew. Can you imagine what it feels like to a very modern, even off-the-derech young teen that gets a GS from a very frum person instead of being ignored? Maybe that is what will lift their spirits that day. And maybe every GS that anyone receives on any given Shabbos adds to their on personal Simchas Shabbos. If you want to know your place, your place is being the best Jew you could be and not a hauty judgmental one!
On one hand principals complain that children don’t respect them on the other hand they lower themselves to the level of “friend” and discuss with bochurim things that are not on their level to discuss. I don’t think this is appropriate at all! Who applies to the Yeshiva and who the Yeshiva interviews is and should remain confidential information between the applicant, the parents and the Yeshiva. It is no one’s business who was “not accepted” to any given Yeshiva and therefore discussing this with any talmid in the Yeshiva will result in Loshon Horah. Any talmid who asks the principal should be told that is not their concern.
In addition, why would any principal assume that any teenager is qualified to decide or have an opinion on whether another bochur is appropriate for the Yeshiva or not? Are they on the same level, with the same amount of knowledge and experience as a Rebbe, Principal or Rosh Yeshiva that they can make such a suggestion, recommendation or determination? Is it a test of the talmidim to see if they will say loshon horah on the incoming Talmid? Then the principal is potentially setting them up to fail and sin. That is halachically inappropriate. So what would be the purpose of that? It sounds like that principal is either immature or does not have enough confidence in himself to stay at the level of a grown up. Another teenager would not have the sechel to understand that children can learn and change, they can commit to doing better and even if they were shvach a year ago they could have worked hard to improve, if they misbehaved a year ago, they could have had an amazing Rebbe that helped them work on their midos and made strides in that as well. You have to think like an adult with compassion and common sense and not like a child.
This is such an interesting discussion, but in the end from what I hear from parents, it is the seminary who picks the girls and not the other way around. As much as the seminaries are a fortune, and each one may or may not have a different concept to attract a different type in the end it is all in their hands. From what I know both Bnos Chava and BJJ only accept a few students from each school. There could be 75 applicants but they will only take 3 for example each year from the particular school. All 75 may be as qualified but that is what they do. So even though you do all your research and decide on Bnos Chava or BJJ because they consider themselves the top of the line and the best of the best they play the selection game with you and keep you waiting with bated breath to hear whether or not you are accepted and keep you in suspense tied up in knots wondering if you should have applied to 5 or 10 other seminaries each at $100 a pop. So depending on how much money you have to waste, it might be wise to sit down with the advisor at your daughter’s H.S. and ask what are the realities of her getting into any one of these seminaries. Then ask your daughter which one she would prefer because she is not a little kid anymore and she has to decide where she wants to go, how much work she wants to do and what kind of girls she wants to spend the entire year with.
If you don’t include your daughter in the decision making process you are asking for trouble down the line. The experience can be an amazing one or it can be a debilitating one if a teen is not prepared for it. Don’t forget that she is going away from home, to another country, on her own, where she will be expected to be independent. Where she will be expected to make her own plans for Shabbos and Yomim Tovim (they don’t make arrangements for you for Shabbos and Yom Tov, and they don’t have family style shabbosim in the dorms!). They also expect you to take care of yourself which means going to the store yourself (hebrew speaking makolets) buying groceries (mostly labeled in hebrew) converting your own money and making change, and cooking and feeding yourselves. In most of the stricter seminaries there is a dress code and as mentioned some actually have uniforms and they lock the girls into the building at night. Seriously, the doors are locked so they can’t get out. Many have dorms or apartments where there are no elevators and the girls are walking and shlepping their belongings, books and laundry up 4, 5, even 8 floors. If you make the decision for your daughter and she has no input then it is you who are to blame for all the hardships and inconveniences that fall upon her at the particular seminary you chose. However, if she chooses or you make the decision together, then she has an equal share in the responsibility. In addition and even more important, when she chooses she is responsible to herself to do the best she can and to enjoy what she is doing. If you “send” her, then she is responsible to do it for you and make you proud of her that adds additional pressure on her and believe me there is enough pressure in the top seminaries.
If your daughter is homesick or unhappy at the seminary she will gravitate to girls from other seminaries who will sympathize with her and offer her empathy. These might not be the type of girls you initially intended for her to be friends with or spend the year with. She will be happy to spend Shabbosim with them, etc. The Seminary can not and does not supervise the girls as much as you think they do, after all they expect them to be mature young adults worthy of that seminary. Teens who are unhappy can get themselves into uncomfortable situations when they are on their own far away from their families. So please it is more important to ask your daughter where she wants to go and what she knows about these seminaries from her friends, she should do her on investigations as well. Her opinion is really so much more important than ours.
This is so apropos to so many situations not just shiduchim as the saying goes “unsolicited advice is worth what you pay for it”. People have to learn to use the geder Hashem gave us our teeth and lips to stop unsolicited advice from slipping out of our mouths. If we are not asked for this kind of assistance or not asked for our opinion we really need to learn to keep it to ourselves.
In the shidduch parsha we don’t know how many rejections the family received when we assume that the family is being picky. We don’t know how many inappropriate shidduchim have been redt, we don’t know if the phone is ringing or if the child just broke up with someone, we don’t know. So unless this is our best friend or close family member where we are in the know or part of the process what right does any Yenta have to assume they should offer their advice?
In other instances we are also too quick to assume and judge instead of just giving the benefit of the doubt (dan l’kaf zchus) or just simply realize it is not our business and choose not to have an opinion on the subject because we are not involved and we don’t know ALL the details, no matter how many details the media brings forth, the yenta’s bring forth, the internet brings forth and so on. Unless we are there and saw everything with our own two eyes, heard everything with our own two ears we should not have an opinion. We really bury people’s reputations, destroy families and their success for the future with the loshon horah we spread with our high opinions of ourselves, our own knowledge and our own expert opinions. What we should work on more is to spread encouragement, build self-esteem and self-confidence in others. So try to remember what your parents taught you when you were little. If you have nothing nice to say, say nothing.
Rules should be upfront and posted! It should be very clear to both the kids and the parents what the rules are.
That said it is inappropriate for kids to have a cell phone in school/yeshiva. Cells phones should be turned off and locked in the individual’s locker till they leave at the end of the day or take their lunch break and go off the premises. Coin phones should be available for student use during the school days and office phones should be available for emergencies.
Consequences should be clearly listed in the rules and not thought of as you go along such as the first time one is caught with a cell phone in school it will be confiscated and returned at the end of the day. The second time that same student is caught with a cell phone it will be confiscated and returned at the end of the week. The third time the student is caught with a cell phone it will be returned only to the parent of that individual.
I know of a school that had a special plastic organizer similar to a cosmetic or shoe organizer that they hung on a door in the office. When they confiscated a cell phone they put a label on the pocket with the student’s name, date and offense number in addition to when it was supposed to be returned. That is how they kept track of the offenses. It was also easy for the principal, Rosh and guidance counselor to easily see what was going on. If other children went into the office they clearly got the message that they weren’t kidding and were enforcing the rules.
By listing the consequences as well as the rules you are essentially allowing the student to choose their own consequence. In other words, if I break this rule I am choosing to have my cell phone confiscated for the day, or I am choosing to have my cell phone confiscated till the end of the week, or I am choosing to have my cell phone confiscated till my parents come down and retrieve it for me. They can’t blame the staff of the Yeshiva for the consequence, they can’t blame the staff for punishing them and they can’t blame the staff for being unfair. They can’t blame anyone but themselves because they would have known what would happen if they chose to break the rule.
Understand that if a parent allows a child to have a cell phone then the fact that he carries it to and from Yeshiva is an issue between the parents and the child. However once he is under the supervision of the Yeshiva he has to abide by the rules of the Yeshiva and that is important. You can’t control a child from allowing his friends whose parents do not allow their children to use cells from using it, or from going on the internet from doing so. So while on the property of the Yeshiva, the Yeshiva has the obligation to control what is in their power to control. It is also extreme chutzpah to have your cell phone on in the middle of class. It is as chutpadik as playing with a toy or listening to an ipod.
You can also go through services like koshernet so things are prescreened and blocked. If you are on decent websites and things are inappropriately advertised there you should report it. I have seen photos on onlysimchas that should never have gotten through the screeners which I complained about and were removed. There are also posts on certain blogs that are reported and removed. WE each have a responsibility as decent people and good Jews to do our part to make the web and the world a decent place to be. So if I feel offended I speak up.
Recently I went on an auction site and lo and behold the first thing i saw was a Nazi swastika arm band for sale under collectibles. I immediately notified the PR department of the site that I was disgusted and offended that they allowed such revolting articles to be traded and sold on their website. I received a response immediately with an apology and a promise that they would have it removed and check into the seller, etc. We can’t just ignore what offends and disgusts us, if we are offended we have to say so. We need to do our own histadlus to stay away from the shmutz but if the shmutz follows us Speak up and shut it down.
The fact that a person bought the raffle in the first place was their way of giving tzedakah to that mosad. When a person buys a raffle ticket (usually more than one) they don’t really expect to win, so their intention is usually to give tzedaka to that mosad. So no the mosad does not have a right to automatically assume anything. Unless it is written upfront in the rules of the raffle program, they have no right to deduct anything and by law have to remit the entire amount or be liable for fraud.
A person has the right to donate masser to whomever they choose. As a matter of fact they might have met aniyim at the auction that they decided to donate to if they happened to win, or they might have had intention of participating in the auction/raffle to begin with only to donate the money or the masser of the money to a certain individual or organization. So by taking the money out it is not only chutzpah it probably borders on gezeilah if not genaivah. The intention here is for the mosad to give and not to take!