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SMR was found not guilty in the State case regarding child labor violations. That was not guilty on ALL counts in that trial. The anti-semitsm came into play when the Judge refused bail due to the fact that HE is JEWISH and can go to Israel. THIS is totally anti-semetic and can be used against any JEW. What the heck, an Arab can’t go back to Jordan? A Black can’t go back to Haiti?
Aside from that Judge Linda Reade is just plain a Rasha and treated SMR so inappropriately because she had a horse in the race. She signed the papers that put the raid in motion and therefore sided with the prosecution from the beginning. In addition, she ALWAYS sides with the government so it has nothing to do with serving justice. This is her habit and she should be fired!
I disagree, I don’t think children are more sensitive today I think children are exposed to more today than in earlier generations and people in general are so much more rude and judgmental.
In earlier generations Parents and adults were much more careful to guard “adult” information from children such as financial issues, illness, death, shalom bayis issues, community issues, lashon horah, etc. Today everything is an open book, especially in school if parents have not paid up tuition, kids are kicked out for all to see. Loshan Horah has run rampant, even a 5 year old knows whats happening up the block. Neither parents nor teachers/Rebbeim are teaching mussar appropriately and that goes for etiquette and manners. No one cares anymore how the other person feels, everyone is so into themselves and that goes for the younger generation as well. When was the last time a kid got up for you and gave you their seat? Have you been to a kiddush or a bris lately? Have you noticed how parents seat their kids down at the table as if the simcha was a party prepared for their children even though there are invited adult guests left standing balancing their plates in their hands?
Is it any wonder why kids get hurt? Does anyone really care that they get hurt? Is anyone taking responsibility for the fact that so many kids are getting hurt? Is a child being sensitive because s/he is hurt they were thrown out of school with no where to go as if they were a piece of garbage? Why hasn’t any adults taken responsibility for all the children that went off the derech because of this one issue? Could they not have been saved? Were all these kids being too sensitive? Do you have any clue how many of these kids, who were really, really basically good kids went on to do heavy drugs because they were kicked out?
Kids are NOT too sensitive today, WE the adults are TOO judgmental and rude.
I have worked with the “at risk” population for many years and have had much nachos from all the children I have been connected to.
So let me begin with this. NO ONE but HASHEM has the right to “JUDGE” anyone. HASHEM is the one that gives each of us nisyonos for his own reasons and he is the one who judges whether we pass them or not. NO ONE knows why he does this or why he chooses to whom to give which nisyonos.
It is OUR job to be oved Hashem and in doing so or better yet “choosing” to do so, we must learn to love AND respect HIS children. ALL of them, every age, every size and in whatever condition they are. We might not respect the choices Hashem’s children choose to make. WE have to trust in Hashem and understand that the choices that these children and/or adults make today may not be (with Hahsem’s help and the help of others) the choices they make tomorrow or further on down the line. A lot of the choices they make may have a lot to do with the respect and love each and everyone of us give to them as WE pass through THEIR lives.
Do you understand? By judging them and putting them down we turn them off and push them further and deeper into their black hole and dark journey. By judging them we give them more fodder and more righteous indignation for doing what they have chosen to do. By showing them why WE are right and they are WRONG we are showing them how pretentious WE are instead of showing them our enormous bitachon and emunah in Hashem that HE will work out his relationship with them and bring them back.
On the other hand by trying to understand their pain and frustration; by sharing their pain and helping to diminish it; by showing care, concern and compassion, WE demonstrate the true meaning and beauty of yiddishkeit and what it means to be a true Jew, an ohev shalom, an ohev Yisroel, a ben adom l’chaveiro, the true meaning of yiras shamayim. By showing another Jew that WE are not going anywhere, that we love them and we are here for them and will always will be here for them with open arms and open doors because we know that Hashem will help them heal the pain they are experiencing and they will heal the relationship that seems to be on the rocks right now either between them and Hashem or them and the frum community or the religion itself. We also realize that they did not go off the derech overnight it wasn’t an easy decision to turn their backs on what was once the only life they knew, what was as equal to them as eating, sleeping and breathing and they will not return overnight in one fell swoop. It will take time, and it is a process that is different for different individuals, step by step.
So please stop judging who goes off the derech for which reasons and why they “choose” to do so. Kids that go off the derech don’t always “choose” to do so. They are sometimes pushed and shoved by family situations or situations in Yeshiva. They don’t have enough self-esteem and/or self-confidence to overcome the pain and frustration foisted upon them and they don’t know where to turn and who to turn too. When that pain explodes they don’t know who to blame. They blame Hashem, they blame Yiddishkeit, they blame ALL of us. If it is a yeshiva issue then parents should understand that whatever they do, they are not doing it to hurt you. It has nothing to do with you and you need to work on separating your own pain from your child’s pain. And as we all know it happens to kids from all walks of life. MO, Chareid, wealthy, poor, plain families, Yeshivish families, Rebbe’s children, banker’s children, baker’s children. Hashem tests everyone. Yes even mechanchim’s children.
I understand what you are saying and I will share something with you. I had to make a decision many years ago. I lost a parent in 1992. I was not my other parent’s favorite as a child nor growing up and I did harbor resentment because every child needs to be loved and needs to feel that their parents love them the same and no different than their siblings. Every child needs to feel they are being treated the same and not different than their siblings.
At any rate as my parent got older and needed more care and attention I felt that her children should share in the responsibilities and the “favorite” child who is also the oldest child should take most of the responsibility. But the favored is also the spoiled child and the good deeds my parent bestowed on the favored child were not reciprocated. The favored child did not feel the need to go out of the way or be inconvenienced in any way to assist, care for or accompany my parent and wound up hurting and insulting to boot. After not too long a time I just realized I had to put the past behind me forgive and give my parent the attention and care that was necessary and forget about sharing and being fair.
I have for the past several years been the primary care giver and have taken most of the responsibility on myself while my other two siblings go off to work without a second thought. I took on the responsibility for my parent and a sibling of my parent and I know that I am doing the right thing. Nuch 120 I won’t have the should have’s or could have’s I will know that I did! Although when my parent chooses to complain or vent, it is not easy to listen and I know that when my sibling is subjected to the same the choice is usually to hang up and say someone is on the other line, I too understand the importance of kibud av v’em, but i do not allow myself to be abused in any way. IF it gets to be too much I keep my distance. IF my parent crosses the line in any way I take a break until I get a call with an apology or a call as if nothing happened so we are back on an even keel. I tell my parent I love you all the time and it is reciprocated. I will never have regrets that I didn’t say it, and I say it to my children and grandchildren every chance I get.
What is my point? I could have held on to the pain and resentment. I could have said my parent deserves whatever my siblings do. But I couldn’t do that. I couldn’t do that to my live parent and I couldn’t do that to my parent that passed on. What have I gained from my choice? A new relationship with my parent and some amazing role modeling for my children and grandchildren.
I am sure that our two situations are very different and we are probably at different stages in our lives. I am in the sandwich generation taking care of a parent who is b”ah 90, a husband, children and grandchildren b”h. But you might learn something from what I have already learned. Kibud Av v’em will apply not only now but in the future when your parents will really need you. Try to find your balance. It might be a good idea to speak to a professional to understand just how far your obligations go at this point and if it needs to go further than a couple of phone calls and letters, keeping yourself out of harms way. You need to be careful not to build resentment to a point that you won’t be able to fulfill your obligations to your mother when she will really need you. Hatzlocha Rabbah.
I have been preaching this forever, yeshivas must, must, must have a staff handbook as well as a student handbook. Staff must have training and rules THEY need to follow just as much as students do. Mechanchim need to know how the administration want the school run, what is acceptable and what isn’t. AND the administration needs to know how the BOARD and Parent body want the school run, what is acceptable and what isn’t. Is it any wonder that people are not interested in supporting yeshivas and donating to yeshivas anymore? Is it any wonder why fundraisers are having such a hard time?
Mechanchim and Roshei Yeshivos have no training what so ever. For that matter, many of the “Rabbis” who claim to be experts in kids today have no training in the field either. They are all flying by the seat of their pants and have no clue what they are doing. Their need to “A” list their yeshivas and place their kids in head on competitions like running bulls or dog races puts “normal” every day kids out of the running with no where to go. They became mechanchim because they needed a parnasah and had no other way of making a living.
These so called mechanchim forget the rules of the Torah when it comes to the younger generation who by the rules and guidelines are people and Jews too, and are included in “ALL PEOPLE” when it comes to “Respect, concern, consideration, etc”. ALL rules apply to every Jew older and younger. And what about being the best role model one can be? A mechanech does not only have to teach Gemarah and mishnayos they have to teach the utmost and best behavior that children should emulate and follow.
Having said that, there are many abuses going on including verbal, physical, emotional and sexual. ALL of which is covered up and ignored by ALL the mainstream yeshivos and DAAS Torah organizations. Yes it is amazing that this letter was posted, and I will be very surprised if my post gets through, but these things must be discussed because they are destroying our children and it is what is pushing and shoving our children off the derech only to have our children further demeaned and criticized by the same Daas Torah for having “chosen” to go off the derech.
One more thing I have said for a long time. Teachers and mechanchim should be rated and given report cards at least twice a year just like kids. The Board of Directors should get an up close and personal inside look at what the parents and students really think and feel about their mechanchim and not just the opinions of the administration. It is up to the Board and the person who signs the salary checks to know whether certain people should stay or go when their names come up for renewal or even before that, before kids are cut off by the knees and their self esteem and self confidence are ruined.
Philosopher, the point is knowing how “YOU” need to be respected and understanding that others need to know that as well. YOU are just as important as the next person and if in any given relationship YOU are not being respected as you should be YOU need to review that relationship and take a real close look to see if it is working for YOU. In many relationships, even best friends and yes sometimes relatives the relationship works really well for one side because they gain so much from the “giver” but it doesn’t always work for the one who gives so much or gets taken advantage of. But until the “underdog” understands that they are allowing themselves to “be” the underdog by “accepting” unacceptable behavior, the cycle continues.
When one realizes that they too are an important person and they too have the right to choose which relationships work for them and which are caustic for them, that is when the cycle of pain is broken. Again no one can change another person or control what THEY do, you can only change yourself and control what YOU do. But when WE change our own behavior people do react to our changes. So when we no longer accept unacceptable behavior and we expect others to “respect” us the way we “need” and deserve to be respected, others respond to the change in us. They will either understand and comply to the point that we have a more balanced relationship or they will fall by the wayside and will no longer be in our quality circle of friends and loved ones.
We can choose to forgive someone because they are selfish and will never change or don’t even realize what they do, or because we don’t want to waste our energy on them. But then like in your case we need to also take a good hard look at the relationship and decide where we want to go with it. Are you getting hurt because they are selfish and you are allowing them to be because you are not standing up for yourself and letting them know that your needs are not being met in this relationship? Is it worth your time and energy to try and work on it and let them know what is and isn’t acceptable in this relationship? Or is it time for you to understand that you will never be respected in this relationship and give it up?
Truly, the choices are yours to make. No one needs to be continuously hurt or have to be on their toes all the time to avoid being hurt by another person. Hatzlocha!
I’m really not understanding this or following this. If you like the melody you like the melody. Why do you have to know where it comes from? If you don’t like heavy metal, there is no way you are going to like it if it has Jewish lyrics to it. If you do, then there is something wrong with your taste in music and it has nothing to do with the fact it is a goyish nigun. If there is something wrong with heavy metal then it is improper for goyish and jewish music!
If you don’t like rap music then you don’t like it whether it is english goyish lyrics or english/hebrew Jewish lyrics. You either like rap music or you don’t. We are talking about the melody/nigun/music here. Music has no inyun of kosher. It is a melody, a series of notes. You either like it or not. It makes no difference if you can sing english words to it or hebrew words to it, if you like the nigun you hum it. If you are an American citizen you should know the words to the National Anthem and the nigun, there is no excuse for not knowing it. AND yes it is in english and goyish but it is the National Anthem of the country that gives you freedoms and the right to live here and enjoy them.
So again, what is the big hooplah? You have the right to choose the music you listen to and b”h there are many choices, there is rock, jazz, country, hip hop, chassidishe, modern, chazanish, children’s, classical, rap, pop, and more. Some help you exercise, some help you relax, some help keep you awake while driving, some inspire, some are just plain fun. Music is entertaining, please don’t make a religious issue out of it.
Lets just say that when a child, nebech, is shoved off the derech they go down a very dark journey and go through many different nisyonos. They carry a lot of pain and a lot of baggage with them. Some from the difficulties that sent them on this path and much from the journey itself. Is it any wonder that a child would need some form of therapy to help them on their journey back? Do you think that they just leave their baggage at their last stop and just rise above it?
There is a lot of healing that has to be done when a child returns and realizing that Hashem is on their side is just the beginning. You don’t just dunk in a mikveh and come out purified mind, body and soul.
I would like a thread about being “less judgemental and more understanding”. No one knows what goes on behind closed doors or within the privacy of someone else’s daled amos. So the constant judgment on another’s lack of tznius, reasons for going to a hotel for Pesach and other issues that were discussed here brings out the need to show others our “holier than thou” side. I would like to see a thread about “not judging people until you’ve walked a mile in their shoes” and what the Torah says about that, and how bringing ourselves to that madreigah will be more helpful in teaching others and helping others aspire to raise themselves to higher madreigos as well.
This is for new categories to be added by the admin. Feel free to start your thread now.
I think it is easier to forgive than forget. Because forgiving is something you do for yourself. When you forgive you no longer hold on to the anger and the bitterness and then it is easier to allow the memories to drift further and further into the past. Forgiving does not mean you have to go over to that person and tell them you forgive them, nor does it mean you have to have a relationship with them from that moment on. It means that in your heart you choose to forgive them and not hold on to the grudge, the bitterness and the anger any longer. If and when you see that person in the street you will no longer stare daggers at them or feel the need to spit at them, you will choose to pass them by as if you do not know who they are. Or if it is someone closer to you, in time you might choose to build a new relationship step by step.
It is a matter of taking control back. You did not have control over what happened to you and the choice the other person made when they hurt you. However, you do have control over the choices you make today. YOU have the choice if you wish to stay angry and use your energies on that and you have control on whether you wish to choose to work on releasing that anger and using your energies on something more productive and enjoyable in your life. It is in YOUR control and it is YOUR choice how you wish to deal with each and every issue in your life.
As a coach I would tell you to reread your letter and think of why you are writing it and what you wish the outcome to be. Firstly as an adult are you writing the letter with derech eretz? Secondly, are you writing the letter to let off steam or to let him know how what he did to you changed your life for the bad and it can have an effect on other children? Thirdly, what do wish the outcome to be? Do you want him to respond to you, or to just understand how he hurt you and not to do it to others?
Once you write this letter and send it off, do you expect to feel productive and accomplished? Will it improve your self esteem because you feel you have given tochacha to someone who once hurt you and you might prevent him from harming others? Will you feel that you have closure on this issue and you can now move ahead with your life?
If writing and sending the letter will be a positive experience and one that will give you closure to move ahead then by all means go for it. If for any reason you will regret sending it because you wrote it with bad intentions or you were rude or as hurtful as he was then don’t do it. Hashem is the ultimate scorekeeper so you can let go of it and don’t have to pay him back. Hashem takes care of punishing everyone for ALL their misdeeds and their victims do not have to even the score.
Forgiving someone is the greatest gift one can give oneself. When we are angry at someone they don’t necessarily know it but what happens is we place ourselves in a prison of anger and resentment. We tense up when we see them or think of them. We constantly remind ourselves that we are angry at them and we repeat the experience in our minds and hearts. We victimize ourselves over and over again when we remind ourselves of the incident and we experience it over and over again while our abuser or victimizer goes about their lives not giving us a second thought. So who loses out and suffers when we hold a grudge and do not forgive? We do. So really, forgiving is a gift we give ourselves and it is a self healing accomplishment.
I know that it is hard for some parents to come up with the extra cash on visiting day to tip all the counselors, waiters, Rebbeim, etc. But that is still no excuse not to show hakaros hatov and also not to teach your child to show hakaros hatov. No one needs to know what is in the envelope especially not the child. If you can’t afford a decent tip or no tip at all it does not remove your obligation of hakaros hatov and appreciation. Please write a note explaining your situation but thank the staff person and tell him how much he/she means to your child and how much you appreciate how hard they work and how much they contribute to the overall camp experience.
Tipping is always a sensitive issue. Camp tipping is very important especially showing and teaching kids hakaros hatov. Not everyone pays the same camp fees depending on the family income and scholarship, etc. Many kids are children of Rebbeim, etc. So tipping is separate from camp fees and parents should not forget about the waiters or the Lifeguards which are usually forgotten. And that goes especially for day camps. Everyone forgets about the Lifeguards who do a very important job for all of us and it is not easy considering how many kids are at a pool or lake at one time.
As far as Pesach tipping is concerned….people feel that they are paying way too much for Pesach as it is and yet they still go. It is not fair that caterers and hotels hire wait staff and don’t pay them. THEY know good and well that inzerer yiddin don’t feel like shelling out much at the end of the chag and they should either collect it upfront in taxes and fees, or include it in the price of Pesach and “PAY” the staff themselves. They probably do this so they don’t have to withhold taxes and pay all sorts of insurance, workers comp, social security and other taxes for them. But that is totally unfair to the staff and a chilul Hashem.
As far as wait staff in a restaurant, it goes both ways, the restaurants do not pay the wait staff and so if they include it in the bill as a 18 percent gratuity it makes it easier, but if the wait staff does not do a good job you should be able to remove it and let the owner or manager know why. YOU shouldn’t be forced to pay it if it isn’t warranted. And there are very unscrupulous owners who don’t give the staff the 18 percent collected anyway. Of course if you received excellent service you can add to the tip because that is all they get.
She had a horse in the race. She was the one that signed the papers that set the raid in motion.
We are all baalei Teshuva and we all do teshuva every single day as we all have opportunities at every given moment to do so. So yes we can change and we can re-sensitize ourselves if we CHOOSE to do so.
WE can choose to not infect our ears with foul language. We CAN choose to not infect our sensitivities with off color jokes or even mother-in-law or wife jokes for that matter. WE can choose to turn off the TV (or throw it out), turn off the video, computer, cell phone, etc. We can choose to throw out the magazines, newspapers, books, etc or monitor what comes into the house including the radio AND we can choose to say to others when we are out of the house “I would appreciate if you would refrain from that language when we are together”. If you frequent a store where the workers are foul mouthed or dress too “slack” speak to the owners, you can always find another store.
As far as speaking to the other gender or addressing them as Mr. or Mrs., it is not always possible or appropriate to maintain that kind of distance. If everyone in your office is informal and called by their first name and you especially are the youngest person there, you would look like an absolute uncooperative snob to insist you be addressed formally. Of course you may set other important boundaries regarding religious issurim and sensitivity issues, but the formality issue is something you might have to compromise on.
artchill in that case arrange for inernships when they get back. They can work hard and learn a lot while building a great resume to help them get into the college of their choice and get a good job when they get back.
I heard it from my mother when I was young. I am sure it was an old bubba meisah. I was told until a baby started to talk or s/he would be frightened and wouldn’t talk. It didn’t work, they all talk and they love looking into the mirror. Somehow my mom forgot about it as we started bathing the kids in the bathroom instead of in a baby bath in the bedroom and lifted them up wrapped in their towels and showing them off in the bathroom mirror.
Why not set up chessed projects in hospitals and nursing homes? Try putting some of what they learned into practice, apply Torah to everyday life or prepare them for the future in the real world by taking a look at what reality is really like. A few lessons in humility wouldn’t hurt.
A very good way of surrounding children with positive energy is teaching respect by showing respect and by using and incorporating the word “respect” in your conversation. When a child speaks to you and says that they did something or feel a certain way you can answer with “I respect that”. Also choose to use the words “appreciate and admire”. It means so much to a child to hear that a parent respects, admires and appreciates them. It helps to build their confidence and self esteem. When you use the word “proud” it means that you are satisfying your own need to be proud of your children and the child needs to make their parents proud of them. However when you use the other terms, it enforces a sense of self-satisfaction in the child.
ASF, what makes you think he deserves to be in business if he treats people this way and he does not follow ethical business practices according to the torah?
IMHO, call the Better Business Bureau and file a complaint against him. They will contact him with your complaint and ask him how he plans on rectifying the situation. They will give him 30 days or so to fix the problem and then contact you to see if it is fixed. If it isn’t they will post him on their website with the complaint against him. Anyone who does their due diligence and research will know the truth and will stay clear of him. Try checking the BBB and see if there are currently any complaints about him.
My question is “is he only friendly to the women or is he friendly to everyone?”. If the answer is he is friendly to everyone, then maybe a male should explain that it is appropriate when speaking to women that it is fine to be helpful but not when a male makes a personal inquiry.
If he is only friendly to women, then there is a problem that should be brought up with the higher management or find another store.
What was wrong with the old site? I am finding this troublesome so I don’t bother just shut it down.
People have to realize that they have to be fair and respectful of anyone they hire.
On the other hand no one is forcing anyone to take a job. Find something that you feel is worthwhile and rewarding. The rewards don’t necessarily mean monetary. It seems that you have already figured it out by looking to volunteer in a hospital. Other things that one can do is “intern” in any number of businesses for the summer to gain experience and build a resume.
EDITED
If anyone needs information on the travesty please read “Perfidy in Iowa” http://www.scribd.com/doc/24742865/Perfidy-In-Iowa. Please sign the petition and forward it to as many people as possible.
Actually if you want to be “literal” it ADDS tam to Pesach, new tastes every year!!! And again as I have said before why are we looking for things to criticize and complain about that other people do?
Please don’t forget about the children. Many children have a very stubborn streak when it comes to food. Some will eat pasta every day without fail and nothing else because that is all they choose to eat. Should we let the kids starve and not eat? All these new concepts allow parents the opportunity of satisfying the family while still teaching them the proper halachas and training them about the JOY of yiddishkeit.
Not every adult is running out to buy these items for themselves because THEY can’t do without them. But easing children into Pesach minhagim will help them enjoy Pesach and not resent it. I am quite sure that there are many adults who will buy these things for their kids but not eat it themselves. I have tried Pesach noodles in the past and found them lacking in taste and any resemblance to chometz ones. So buying these products will not necessarily satisfy the adult pallet yet parents have the option of these items for their children until they can understand the concept of doing without it for a week. My Rav when I was a child, Rabbi Kirzner z”tl used to give his pre-pesach drasha and say “Kinderlach, si doch nor ein voch!” It is only ONE week.
On the other hand, I agree with Oomis, there is nothing wrong with using products that resemble chometz if it isn’t chometz. The halacha is not to eat chometz or even look at it. There is no halacha that says don’t eat anything that looks like chometz. So why judge those who do or companies who have figured out how to do it? Why do we have to hold on to the shtetel? When I was a kid my Mother never used garlic on Pesach. I grew up thinking that garlic was chometzik!!! So should we not avail ourselves of fresh garlic and garlic powder to cook with today? For that matter there was no garlic powder, onion powder, etc. 4 generations ago or ketchup, mustard, vinegar, mayonnaise and many other products we wouldn’t dream of going without. Our grandparents could raise the same question you did regarding our regular staples.
Kids don’t just “leave the fold”, today’s kids are pushed and shoved off the derech. When in our history have there ever been so many broken and dysfunctional homes? When in our history have kids been thrown out of yeshiva without regard to their personal well being like is happening today? When in our history have so many young adults and children been taken away from us in such large proportions? Our frum society is spiraling out of control with too many issues that torture kids and send them on a long dark journey.
People develop many health and mental issues due to environmental stimulus. When so much stress and pressure is put on children, when so much stress and pressure are put on young adults, when so much stress and pressure is put on anyone, underlying issues and illnesses will surface. WE as a society are not concerning ourselves with what the effect of OUR choices and actions will have on our children. Our kids today are walking around with so much baggage and carrying the burden of unbelievable pain to the point that they will do whatever is necessary to be “numb” and oblivious to the pain. Kids self-medicate, self-mutilate and basically self-destruct. It is NOT a choice they are making it is a result of OUR neglect of their needs. Simple and basic needs such as a sense of security, self-worth, self-esteem and self-confidence. Simple and basic needs such as a two parent household, a home filled with joy and shalom bayis, WE are not securing safe and happy Jewish environments for our children.
Kids have two places that supply them with a sense of safety and security. The home is number one and the second is school. If either one of these havens become unsafe or unstable, they start to stumble and fall. Their worlds start to crumble to the point of non-recognition. They carry within them a pain that festers and grows to the point of explosion. Who do they turn to? Who should they trust? Is it any wonder that they wind up (if they are lucky) in therapy and with a diagnosis that labels them with a mental disorder?
Yanky, it is sad that your family is torn apart and you have to take turns sharing your children for Yomim Tovim. But, please understand that as difficult as it is for you to go enjoy another family’s children and have a family style seder, choosing to feel depressed and segregating yourself from ahavas yisroel and allowing others to have the mitzvah of hachnosos orchim, will also have a profoundly negative effect on your children. THEY don’t want you to be alone and miserable and if you enjoy a happy and healthy relationship with your children why would you want them to feel bad or guilty that they are not with you?
Yanky you are not alone, Hashem gives each of us our own nisyonos. B”H, you CAN see your children when you want to, and you know where they are and that they are well. There are so many families whose pained children have gone off the derech or worse and their empty seat at the seder table reflects the emptiness the family feels without them. These parents and siblings can’t see this child whenever they want, they don’t know how to reach them and they don’t know if s/he is OK.
No matter how bad off we feel we are, in emes others are suffering just as badly if not worse. So please choose to count your blessings. You can’t undo the divorce or make what was wrong right, but you can appreciate the fact that your children are happy and healthy and that you will be spending the second half of Pesach with them; and will have them for the sedarim next year. Think of it as preparation for when they are married and you will have to share them with the michutanim.
Please think about what I said and I hope you will choose to NOT be alone but to spend Yom Tov joyously with your friends or other family members. I am sure that your children will be happy that you are not alone and that they will have a much better Yom Tov not worrying about you.
The art of listening is truly “listening to understand” and not necessarily mirroring. If someone tells you that their parent is in the hospital then the appropriate response would be
“Refuah Sheleimah, how is s/he doing?….
How are YOU doing?
What kind of support does the family need at this time OR what kind of support has the family received at this time?
Do you want to talk about it?
Is there anything I can do to help you or offer my support?
Are you satisfied with the doctors or would you like me to help you make phone calls for recommendations?
And of course….”I’m here for you, if you need me please don’t hesitate to call on me.”
I would suggest that you ask your Boss for more responsibility or if he/she needs help with anything else. After all that is what you get paid for “to work” and not to play. However, if the boss says he/she doesn’t mind that you search the web on his/her time then I would suggest you do some research about your job that could be useful to move upward, playing some mind challenging games to exercise your brain or read a book.
A photograph is a one dimensional image unlike the human being who is multi-dimentional. And I am not speaking about size!!!! Maybe the size 2 girls should be looking for guys with a six pack! Either way a one dimensional photo would not reveal the true “PICTURE”!
In addition, anyone using a computer can “photo-shop” a picture to make it look better than the original. You can slice of a few inches from the hips, correct the blemishes on a face, add some extra hair length, change brown eyes to blue, etc.
EDITED
If one can’t figure out for themselves who and when either one of them should travel, then why accept dates from out of the area? If that is going to be an issue for the first date it is going to be an issue for the rest of their lives. Where they will live, when to go to which set of parents for Yomim Tovim, when to visit, who will pay for the visit, etc. If the date is within driving distance there is no reason why the boy should not go. If however it is truly long distance, that is something the shadchan should know before she presents the shidchuch. Many young people plan on being “in town” for a week or two of dating to make things go more smoothly, unfortunately when this happens shadchanim tend to set them up with more than one prospect.
How wonderful it would be if people would not go looking outside their own daled amos for their zivig but truly evaluate who’s right next door. I guess they believe things are always greener on the other side.
Who needs a picture??? Take a walk on the avenue and see who Hashem puts together, it is very interesting how “OUR” perceptions of a good shidduch or even of beauty have no basis in reality when you see Hashem’s work and his sense of humor. How many times do you see a couple and say “I don’t get it? After going out with so many girls this is the one he picked?” and vice a versa. Or you see this short guy with this tall girl or a very tall guy with the tiniest of wives. You also see that Hashem blinds people when it comes to shidduchim and hence the phrase “love is blind”. How many times did you see a gorgeous young woman with a plain guy or a handsome young man with a plain jane?
People should trust in Hashem and stop being so shallow that they need to see photos before accepting a shidduch. Are we running a modeling agency that this should be a requirement to get the job of husband or wife? Shtusim!
This is way too funny. Why does a person want to be in Yeshiva “x” instead of “y” when both have great programs and excellent Rebbeim? Is it not to show off that they are in a particular yeshiva? Why do we buy an Artscroll siddur or machzor when a cheaper brand obviously has the same words and tefilos in them? Why do we do whatever is necessary to get our daughters into BJJ or Bnos Chava when there are at least a dozen seminaries just as good?
It is the same answer, it is status and people aim to achieve a certain standard and status for themselves. Why are you picking on clothing and designer brands? If you truly want to ask an important question then ask a question into why people need to acquire everything to the n’th degree or to a higher or highest level attainable. Many will say because “everyone else does and that is the “in” thing to do”. Many will say they want the best money can buy. Many have no clue why they are on the roller-coaster with everyone else. Why do people rush to buy homes in a certain neighborhood or a certain block? Why do they drive the cars that they do? Why do they look for the shidduchim they are looking for? It is all human nature. I don’t agree that we need to or even have a right to look for things to discuss and criticize about our fellow Jews it is not the proper etiquette for Yiddin.
Many professional and semi-professional shadchanim ask for a picture so that they have a face to go with the resume. It helps them remember the person they are reading about. If you are working with someone reliable and you don’t want them to show the picture to anyone else say so and they will most likely accommodate you. Pictures do not usually portray people appropriately so giving a picture so the prospect can judge you by your looks is inappropriate and rude.
I don’t understand why this question keeps coming up, why are we always looking in yenem’s tup? Just because one chooses to stay home and make Pesach as usual it does not mean that another way is not as acceptable. Many of us run our own “Pesach Hotels” when our home is filled to the brink with family and friends. For us we are home, but for them what is the difference if they go to someone else or they go to a hotel? They are doing what is best and easiest for them and it is not OUR place to judge or comment.
People make various choices for a variety of reasons whether it is because the whole family cannot fit into one place, or the adults work and it makes it too hard to do a thorough Pesach cleaning plus prepare the meals, etc. Some people have physical and/or emotional reasons that prevent them from handling Pesach at home. Sometimes it is a gift from a very loving and grateful Husband who does not want to see his wife work so hard or parents who want to spend Yom Tov with as many of their children and grandchildren together. Many programs offer private sedorim rooms to accomodate a more heimish atmosphere. Usually the entire hotel is rented out for Pesach so you are among only Yiddin aside from the staff who are trained to accommodate you. They have children’s programs so both parents and child are equally entertained and cared for. The vast array of shiurim, minyanim, and other programs enhance the Yom Tov atmosphere in addition to the convenience of having everything under one roof and no need to go outside if the weather does not cooperate.
Pesach or any Yom Tov in a hotel is not for everyone, obviously. But as Yiddin we must understand that just because we do things one way, it does not give us license to criticize others who choose another path. It is perfectly and halachically permissible and therefore an non-issue.
FunnyBunny, I would say the guy is immature and uninformed. I would watch out for that. He might need a couple of pre-chasan classes to get it.
It’s like Purim everyday! v’nahapach!. Our society has turned everything upside down and inside out. It is not the fault of the kids if they are not trained and taught properly. However, without blaming them, those kids who are starting shidduchim or are already in shidduchim need to open their eyes to what is really going on in a real relationship. A true frum relationship is 100/100 giving and understanding. Anyone who sits and learns Torah all day should have learned that as well.
Our society has placed importance on the color of tablecloths, handwriting, crystal and china, what kind of car we drive, what kind of house we live in, and if we can pay the way for the kids to live a kollel life. I even remember the question, when was the girl toilet trained? So this is a problem we created by not “teaching” kids what a real relationship is about and what they need to do to bring about a successful union.
Oomis, can you hear my APPLAUSE?!!!!
Firstly understand that Men and Women are different. That’s number one, we are made differently, Hashem did that, we have different needs and different emotional make-ups. Men see things differently than women do for the very same reasons. While women want and need to talk, men want and need quiet. Where women can handle twelve different things at once, men are more compartmentalized and can only concentrate on one thing at a time.
Now for the question why are men so insensitive? Again it is the nature of the beast so to say. Women are made to be more sensitive and men need to learn how to be more sensitive. Where do they learn it? Either by example that was role modeled in their own home, by the role modeling from their Rebbeim both in and out of Yeshiva and from personal experience and discussion. Men are also not as intuitive as women are, so where a woman might instinctually know what another woman needs or wants in any given situation, Men claim they are not mind readers and have to be told.
I agree that you can’t generalize, but also that many times when we feel that a man, or basically our own spouse is being very insensitive in many instances they haven’t got a clue what we are talking about or why we are hurt. Communication is definitely the most important element.
It is true that there are men who are insensitive but if you tell them what you need, and teach them what is important to you, most try to work on themselves to accommodate.
Really there is nothing more to add except maybe, make sure his eyes are always on you and not casing the room looking for his friends or anyone else he knows or might want to know. And of course that goes for the girl as well. If they don’t give their 100 percent undivided attention while dating or through the engagement period, then you will certainly not get it after marriage.
If either party are not acting like they are the luckiest person in the world to have found you, put your thinking cap on and figure out why not.
No I don’t think Regents are necessary. Teachers tend to teach for the regent rather than teach the subject matter for the sake of the subject matter. It causes too much tension and pressure on the kids since they are also taking final exams on other subjects. I would much prefer a “credit system” in each school to make sure that the child learns the necessary basics.
Every student should have to pass the course and final exam in order to get the credit for the course. No child should be advanced to the next level if they didn’t master the previous level. So if they don’t get credit for the course they would have to repeat the course (not the grade) or do work on their own to pass the school exam for the course and credit.
If kids knew that they would not advance without the current class credit or they would have to go to summer school, work on their own, etc in order to get the course credit before getting a diploma, they would take their classes more seriously. That would mean for instance, that if a sophomore didn’t pass math, when he/she is in the junior year, they would be in soph math and maybe even junior math instead of an elective. In this way the onus of responsibility is on the child. If they don’t take it seriously now they will next term or next semester when they have to make it up. If they are graduating and need another science or math credit, they would have to retake the course or make-up the work before getting their H.S. diploma. But that would be up to the teacher/principal to work through.
In addition, the regents don’t necessarily ask questions on the material every teacher has covered. Internal testing and credit systems would be more reasonable because it would address the covered materials.
Currently you can get a non-regents diploma, so what exactly is the point?
Why not offer to tutor kids that can’t afford to pay for tutors. The school year is half gone and high school students will be studying for the regents and SATs. Parents these days can’t afford to hire tutors especially if it is for more than one child and it is the children that lose out by experiencing low self-esteem and no self confidence when they need help and they can’t get it. Help kids realize achievement and success.
Let me be first to wish ALL the MODS a happy birthday (anniversary….), Shavua Tov, Gut Chodesh, Happy New Year, Gut Shabbos and Gut Yom Tov!!!!!!
Ales gut for our well deserving and helpful moderators!!!!!!
It is extremely rude and inconsiderate and absolutely not kovodik to the Torah to put your blackberry on the table while learning or even pull it out of your pocket when it rings. If you are learning then you must put aside that time to devote to learning and turn the phone off. Whether it is a blackberry or any other cell phone. One can check their messages after the seder is over.
This has nothing to do with blackberries or what’s on them. This is plain and poshut bad manners. If a person would walk over to your table while looking to have a poshut conversation would you or they stop learning to shmooze with the others? If the answer is yes then the blackberry or phone is in the same category and that would also be a boosha to the sefer and the intention of learning Torah. However, if your answer is “no” then there should be no problem making up with your chavrusahs that when you are learning together, the phones have to be turned off and you wish to have a no interruptions type of session.
I was always taught and therefore I believe that Moshiach will come when we deservie to receive him. So davening alone will not do the trick. It is what every single person comes up with, sinas chinam, ahavas yisroel, davening, learning, not cheating, not stealing, not molesting, not abusing, not breaking the laws. Basically being ideal Jews representing Hashem’s Torah, Mitzvos and maasim tovim.
Firstly I would like to wish Estherh and all those in need a Refuah Shleimah.
Secondly, it is as important to watch our words when we speak to each other about simple things as it is not to speak loshon horah on others. The simple choice of words can change the entire meaning of a person’s intentions. Saying that she couldn’t “be bothered” makes it sound like Purim and shelach manos is an imposition or inconvenience rather than a mitzva we should look forward to perform.
Perhaps if she chose to say “I can’t deal with shelach manos this year, I feel so overwhelmed or tired…” the intention would be clear and not misunderstood. I know a lot of people who couldn’t be “bothered” and chose to be away from home for the chag. The fact that she was home, reciprocated in the giving and receiving makes me think that she chose the wrong word to describe how she was feeling.
This is silly, of course it is moderated and of course the moderators read everyone’s suggestions and will decide which one works best here and which ones they can program in.
In the mean time, if anyone tries to be rude, nasty or generally post anything against the rules and guidelines, please just choose to ignore it and not comment. It is no fun if there is no response to the post so eventually that person will stop doing the nasty or just go away. The MODS will delete it when they see it.
Sounds quite reasonable to me
Well I’m sweet 16 again!!!