aries2756

If we keep choosing to LOOK for problems we can find problems wherever we look. However, if we choose to dan l’kaf zchus and stop finding fault in everything others do, we might realize that what we think is a problem really isn’t. That is what we call playing the “IF” game. IF the girls or women get into a heated discussion, and get rowdy and that draws attention to them, THEN it CAN BECOME a problem because MEN will look at them.

So IF we trust in the goodness and graciousness of Women and in the Bina Yeseirah that Hashem gave us, THEN we shouldn’t have the problems the CR keep worrying about where women are concerned.

I imagine you would talk about anything you would talk about on any other first date. No one is sitting with you, you are basically on your own. So think about what you really want to know about the other person and what is important for you to hear for yourself.

Do you want to know what hobbies they have? What they like to do when they have a few minutes off from their normal routine? Do you want to know what their normal routine or seder hayom is like? Do you want to see if the two of you are alike in any way? Maybe you would want to know what their favorite color is, or if they like flowers, or if they like kids? Ask what age kid they think is most fun. Ask about their siblings, ask about their grandparents. Watch their responses. Are they happy and excited when they speak about their siblings and grandparents? Do they show respect and ahava for their family? These are important signs to watch for.

These are pretty much “warm” and safe things to talk about, but they are questions that should bring about good discussion and allow you to have a peek into the other’s personality. If they tell you a story about a member of their family it might give you a hint of their sense of humor.

You can ask questions like what values do you look for in your best friend. This will give you a peek into the other’s value system. Ask open ended questions to give the other person a chance to talk and not just say yes or no. So stay away from “do you like chocolate? Yes? Me too!

Mischiefmaker, you totally misunderstood me. My comment was in regard to the lack of Ahavas Yisroel and judging everyone so harshly instead of danning l’kaf zchus and stopping to looking for the negative in others.

mischiefmaker, to remind us why we still have to fast and cry on Tisha B’av!!!!

Ben Levi, although the session itself is private, a parent should be able to wait in the waiting area outside the actual office. Any therapist that does not have a waiting room should be nixed for children. Pay attention to your child’s expression and body language when s/he emerges from the session. Don’t get chummy with the therapist, they are there to do a job and that is to help your child. Ask your child how it is going and if they feel they are being helped, if the therapist is a good shiduch for them and if they are making progress. Not every therapist is the right one for the patient, you might have to switch once or twice till you see real progress. Or your child might be lucky and the first one might work. If you get chummy with the therapist and s/he is one of those disgusting abusers then you are helping them by building a relationship with them so you trust them more than your child. Your child will then be afraid to tell you the truth if they are touched inappropriately.

The point is that if your child needs therapy then that is what they need and that is what you must provide for them. If they need a dentist, or an ophthalmologist you provide that as well. The therapy sessions are confidential. Unless your child has a real issue that carries with them into adulthood, marriage and their ability to maintain a relationship and responsibilities without medication then there is no reason that therapy in adolescence must be discussed with anyone at all.

In the times of the Gemarah women were not under the same pressure and stress they are under today, so maybe they didn’t need to congregate outside and chat. Maybe sitting alone outside with their babies was enough, or maybe the next home was so far away that it wasn’t an issue.

I find it very amusing when people bring up the challenges of the country, living in such tight communal quarters, etc. Yet I have never seen so many Yidden squished together like sardines as they are in Boro Park and in Williamsburg. Families are living on top of each other and the construction is no better than in the country. You can hear and practically see everything that is going on next door, upstairs and down stairs.

Please don’t say you know everything about another’s shalom bayis in the country and pretend that you don’t know what is going on in your own backyard at home. In addition, if you are a Yenta in the country you are probably a yenta at home as well. If you avoid Loshan hora at home you avoid it in the country.

Yes it is true that some people let their guard down in the country, but then those people are not that true and emesdik at home either, they are only putting on a show because of where they live. So let’s not blame the country or the bungalow colonies, lets blame people for not understanding and remembering it doesn’t matter where you are or where you go “HASHEM IS HERE, HASHEM IS THERE, HASHEM IS TRULY EVERYWHERE”.

Families that live in places like Boro Park and Williamsburg (the concrete jungle) need to get to the country for some fresh air and green scape. Kids need some place to run around in a safe environment where cars are not the biggest danger. The country has always been and will continue to be a place where families and friends gather to reclaim the basics, fresh air, space and some freedom from the constraints of the city.

I think men should be a little more realistic and a little more forgiving.

After all the things that women do for you, you can’t fargin them to relax a little on Shabbos and have their own Shabbos menucha? Women need to talk, and getting together in the fresh air with other women is a form of menucha. Are you concerned about what they are talking about? You shouldn’t be. You should dan l’kaf zchus. What frum women, especially Lakewood women talk about, is ear infections, which formula they changed to, their birthing experience, and other varberishe zachin that you really don’t need to know about. Or they might be recited sefer tehilim, which a lot of women groups do, or they might be chatting about some type of chessed they need to accomplish in the neighborhood. Or it might be as light as the latest book they read or the cutest thing their kids said. It is really not necessary to worry about what they are talking about.

Be happy they are grouping together to chat. The other option is forcing YOU to listen to everything they want to talk about.

Gregaron, NO we don’t go heter shopping, depending on our situation we ask OUR Rav what to do and we don’t look for advice on the internet, we also don’t go by what others tell us they know or don’t know.

Again, just because a person has not HEARD of it does not mean it doesn’t exist. Ask your LOR. The post just above yours gregaaron states that Reb Moshe Z”TL maatir’d it. So you didn’t do enough research.

WIY, you are aware, that the internet was assured too, right?

This is not a joking matter and to fool a guy with a surgery to become a size 2 and then turn into a size “2X” after the wedding is only asking for sholom bayis issues.

I’m not biting

Unfortunately we have had suicides in the community in the past couple of years and all were paskened that they be buried in regular cemeteries and the families should sit shiva as they normally would. They were all viewed as “cholim” at the time of the decision and that the neshoma did teshuva before the actual death.

Do I have to spell it out for you? There are ways of sitting politely and there are ways of sitting not very nicely. There are ways of lounging nicely and there are ways of lounging that are a little too comfortably and open for viewing. Is that clear enough?

If the person has terrible eating habits, this isn’t going to help her because she will be sick after the surgery. She will continue to eat poorly and throw up after eating. She needs to work with a nutritionist and a therapist to understand why she is sabotaging herself. She would probably be better off paying for a personal trainer to work one on one with her to make sure she gets into an exercise routine she enjoys and can stick with and an eating plan she can enjoy and stick with. Once she loses some weight with the one on one attention she might be more comfortable joining a gym or finding a friend she can work out with.

Moderator, the question is, if you come upon the glass and you are viewing it just the way it is not having done the pouring or the emptying do YOU see it as half full or half empty?

The Optimist will view it as half full; the Pessimist will view it as have empty.

Wolf, I don’t agree with missme and my son’s Rosh Yeshiva happens to disagree with her as well. He says it is a beautiful way to start off the marriage but a parent is not mechuyav to work into their 80’s to support children who want to stay in Kollel. He also makes sure his “talmidim” understand that a wife is a “matonah” from Hashem and they should never take that gift for granted.

He maintains a very strong kesher with his talmidim and enforces a true concept of Shalom Bayis along with Torah in their homes.

One problem that I have with long term learners is that SOME and I’m not saying MOST, I”M saying SOME do not apply what they learn to every day life. They don’t do the mitzvas and maasiv tovim they are learning about, they just learn about it. In other words, they learn all day and all night but then when they finally pull their noses out of the sefer they have blinders on and don’t see the opportunities right in front of them. For all their learning they should know the right thing to do and do it. And that applies to helping their wives and being involved with their children as well. They have obligations to wives and children and learning does not absolve them of their obligations. So they need to make time for their families and spend quality time with them. They also need to help their wives and do it graciously. Learning Torah does not absolve them of doing the other mitzvos their are required to do.

EDITED

Wolf, I’m with you. You can choose to see the glass as half full or half empty and you can look at a person for the potential within or for what they can still accomplish rather than for what they have not accomplished yet. You can surround a person with positive energy and guide through example or you can discourage someone with the power of negativity and criticism.

Most people do not do what they don’t normally do at home. However bungalow colonies are a business and if there are empty bungalows the owner will rent it and not ask too many questions or give too many rules. You can always wind up with a crowd that is not 100% but rather mixed with different levels of hashkafa and tznius. So if everyone is not following the same rules it can cause a huge problem. The best thing is to stick to your beliefs and be strong about it. If the owner of the place rents to people who don’t follow the rules, then let him know that he will lose the crowd that he already has if he doesn’t respect and accommodate the crowd with similar tenants.

Another issue arises when units are owned and then rented out. If there are no specific rules in the association book about who can rent the units, there can be the same type of situation and the board will have to figure out a solution.

People who usually let their guard down in the country usually go to the same colonies as others who believe in doing the same. WE have spoken too many times about judging others and not being able to change others. We can’t control what others do, we can only be the best role models we can be. WE will give OUR din v’cheshbon after 120 and they will do the same. Nothing is hidden from Hashem. There really is no point in talking about it because WE can’t change what others do.

I stay in Miami Beach for 3 months in the winter and I can tell you that there are so many frum, yeshivish and Chasidish people who have no clue that Hashem is in their hearts, minds, bodies and souls and it doesn’t matter where they are, where they live and where they travel to. He is with them wherever they go. Never mind that there is no mechitza around the pool, not only do they jump in the pool mixed company or not, but they go in without a cover-up just in a bathing suit. Some women with hair covered and some not, but their bodies are not covered with anything more than a bathing suit. And men are jumping in with long beard and payos whether women are in the pool or not. How do we explain that to the 4 and 5 year olds at the pool? And we are concerned about men and women conversing in the country.

myfriend, it is not ALL or NOTHING. Learning Torah is very important but you can still learn Torah and and a mother can still be at home. What you are talking about is ALL or NOTHING, which is two extremes.

You also ask what is more important for a mother to be at home or for a father to learn Torah. That is not a balanced question because as I said a mother can be at home while a father learns torah. Chinuch Bonim is a very important obligation for parents. We have learnt that there is a very big disadvantage to many children when the mothers are not at home to raise them. We have an enormous percent of children with learning disabilities, speech problems, at-risk issues, etc.

This also has not worked out so well for the Women who are expected to be Superwomen, Supermommies and Superwives. YOU can say all you want how important it is to learn Torah and it is, but that doesn’t mean that a man does not have any other obligation and that he can ignore ALL his other obligations and only concentrate on this one. A MAN has obligations to his wife, to his children, to his marriage and his family and he is not absolved of any of these obligations because of his choice. Even if his wife agrees to support him in his learning that still does not absolve him of his obligations! He is still obligated to show hakaros hatov, he is still obligated to take care of his wife and take care of his children. He still has to know when the agreement is working and when it is no longer viable.

This is not the place to come to for advice on such an issue. If you are considering such a procedure I am sure there is a good reason for it and that you have researched a reliable and ethical physician. If your doctor is recommending this procedure for you then he must have told you the pros and cons and the commitment you must make in order for this to work for you. It is no walk in the park. The object of the procedure is to make your stomach smaller so that it will fill up quickly and you will eat less. I am sure that he will put you in touch with a nutritionist if he hasn’t done so already to discuss with you what foods you should be eating and what foods to cut out. He will probably tell you to eat 6 small meals a day rather than 3 big ones in order to allow your stomach to digest the recommended foods and the calorie intake he recommends. He will also recommend an exercise program. If your goal is to lose weight and get healthy then you will seriously follow his advise for a long term change in your way of life. IF you are looking for a quick fix to look good for a simcha or because you are just fed up with yourself then don’t bother. If you don’t change your way of life putting yourself through the surgery will only be a temporary fix until you go back to your old ways.

Missme, I would really appreciate if you wouldn’t preach to me as if I don’t understand the holiness of learning torah. My point is the holiness of Shalom Bayis and that it is not one sided. AND that you keep creating the scenario that Wives are “thrilled” to sacrifice so that their husbands can continue to learn and that is not always the case. So I would like to bring into this discussion the reality that there are many, many young women who started out with all good intentions and have found that they are just NOT CUT out for the sacrifice!

Anon, A husband should ASK if he doesn’t know. Just as he would ask a shailah in yeshiva, if he is confused at home he should ask what is wrong, what is bothering his wife, what he can do to help, etc.

Rebbetzin, maybe that is something that needs to be taught in chosson/kallah shiurim. Obviously people grow, evolve and mature with age and they also change with circumstance and challenge. People make choices according to their need and variables. Kids need to be taught that as they evolve as a couple and grow as a family they will be faced with challenges and they might have to review their choices. It is not an aveirah to change one’s mind or make a different choice according to one’s situation. Agreements need to be discussed and re-evaluated at various intervals to make sure they are still applicable and are still working for both partners. Shalom Bayis has to be the top priority for the health and success of the entire family.

As for a wife putting themselves out a bit for the sake of what their husband’s love, that is a two way street and husbands have to do the same for their wives. Maybe moreso in this type of situation because they should be showing hakaros hatov, gratitude and appreciation for all the time and opportunity their wives gave them while the wives carried their responsibility of being mepharnes the family and allowed them the luxury of learning Torah.

anonymrs, I didn’t say that they are not showing their husbands how they feel. I said that they feel emotionally removed from their husbands because they are not noticing or choose not to see how they feel on their own. A wife does not have to come out and say she is tired or exhausted. It certainly does show on her face and body and it shows in her action or inaction. A husband certainly should be able to tell when a wife is happy and motivated or unhappy and drained without being told. Again, I didn’t say that anything was hidden and the husband had to be a mind reader. That in itself is a huge part of the problem.