aries2756

It is definitely a balancing act, but every man who is proud of his business, IMHO, truly wants to groom his son or sons to take over one day.

Of course it depends who the father/son is. What is the point of building a business if not to see it continue into the generations. What does one expect to do with a business upon retirement, just sell it? Does one really put all their kochos into something just to turn it over to someone else?

On the other hand, children should not be cocky and just assume, oh, i don’t have to worry, my parents will give me a job, i’ve got it made. No one should just assume that they have it coming to them. Everyone should understand, that any business was built on blood, sweat and tears and that anyone who comes to work there has to pay his dues, even a beloved son.

When a father gives a son a job, the son must come to work with respect for his father AND for all the employees that were there before him. Even if he is now in a supervisory role. He must learn how to balance the job he has with the respect he must show. Because no matter what role he takes on, he is not the BOSS, he is just like everyone else, an employee.

Hey, you did better than I did on starting a thread about Ahavas Yisroel!!!! Good Job!

One more thing. In order to gain confidence in anything a good way to accomplish that is to practice. So whether it is to set a table, or just to walk with your head held high just practice. Pick your chin off the ground, throw your shoulders back and put a smile on your face. When you see your reflection in the mirror or in a store window remind yourself to practice and do it. Whatever you feel a little unsure of, make it a point to practice at it. The more you do it, the more confidence you will have with it.

If you are not sure about folding a fancy napkin, do it for Shabbos in your own home. Set the table at home, arrange the Shabbos flowers at home. Ask your sister to read the same book as you and then discuss it, so you build your confidence having a normal conversation about a normal topic. Just practice doing normal things with friends and family till it becomes second nature.

If there is anything else we can help you with, or anything else specific that is bothering you, just ask and we will all try to do our best to make you feel comfortable about it.

Hatzlocha Raba, and don’t forget, you have friends all around you. Hashem is always with you, and HE will never allow you to walk alone. He will always send you shelichim to help you on any journey.

xbp, I’ll tell you a little secret, ready? No one’s perfect, only Hashem is perfect. So it really doesn’t matter if the table is set perfectly, or if your eye make-up is on quite straight. Don’t sweat the small stuff. Honestly, if someone has a perfect nose, their lips might be a little crooked or their feet might be very large. Hashem has a very interesting sense of humor, really I promise.

So stop being so hard on yourself. What will happen if one napkin is folded incorrectly. Either someone goes back to refold the napkin or that person who gets that napkin uses a napkin that wasn’t folded correctly, or uses a fork that was on the wrong side of the plate, or a cup that was an inch too far or whatever. It really doesn’t have an effect on the party. And if someone is looking at you take that as a compliment and smile at them and say hello.

Would you believe me if I told you I was very shy in school as well. I was even shy when I first got married. On my first job straight out of high school I begged the phone not to ring so I wouldn’t have to answer it. Then I calmed myself down and told myself, they can’t see me and they don’t know me at the other end of the phone. My job is to help them. What will happen if it doesn’t go so well the first couple of times. They can’t hit me or bite me, so stop being so silly. That helped me calm down.

What happens if I make a mistake, or I say something silly and everyone laughs at me. I laugh too, and say well, I guess that was silly. Do you know what? Life doesn’t end at that moment when I get a little embarrassed. Life goes on and there are more opportunities for me to get embarrassed, but there are also many opportunities for me to feel really good about myself. And those opportunities await you as well. The more you try to be perfect and do everything perfectly the more Hashem will show you that perfection is saved for him alone.

I had a teacher in High School who refused to give anyone above a 98%. He said 100% is for Hashem. 99% he reserved for himself. Students deserve 98% and below. Why, he didn’t want us to feel superior and cocky. He said no one is perfect, and if we ever think we are or keep trying to be, he was going to teach us the truth. We should all just strive to do and be the best that we each can be and not worry about perfection.

So are you ready to try to be the best you can be and stop worrying about everyone else?

There are many things you can do, but the first question I would ask you is how committed are you to change? No one can make you change and no one can make the commitment for you, you have to do that on your own. But if you are willing to accept help, then we can help you.

Firstly, to say that you are not pretty is to insult Hashem’s creation so let’s put that aside and understand that you are Hashem’s child therefore you are beautiful on the inside and on the outside. Each time you smile at someone they can see without a shadow of a doubt that you ARE beautiful. Everyone has something that is more striking than other things, and everyone has something special about them so don’t start comparing yourself to other people. We are each unique and different in many ways; that’s the way Hashem created us. And there is always a way to make ourselves feel better about the way we look. If we are heavy we can do something about our weight. If we feel we don’t know exactly what looks best on us, we can use the assistance of a good salesperson in a department store to help us choose which styles and colors look best on us. If we can’t seem to get our cut and color right, we can make a special appointment with a well qualified beautician and make-up specialist.

But the best way to feel good about ourselves and build our self-esteem is to do something nice for someone else and feel your inner beauty come shining through. When you feel beautiful on the inside, your self-esteem will rise and you will feel more beautiful on the outside. So find a chessed group you can join, volunteer for a good cause, or just go for a walk with your beautiful smile on your face. Then practice in front of your mirror with positive reinforcements such as “I am a good person”, “people like me”, “I am beautiful on the inside and out”.

I believe that we have to work on ourselves and not be so quick to judge or react. We need to take to breaths before reacting or rather over-reacting and thing of reasons why the other person might be behaving in that particular manner.

However, I do agree that children do not belong in shul unless they are quiet or of an age that they can daven. Shul is not a place for children to congregate and play. There is also an issue of dirty diapers in a place where you daven. So it is better to daven at home and not bring your children to shul, stay outside with them, or get a babysitter if you want to go to shul.

Of course the main event should not be ignored and of course Jewish photographers, musicians, caterers and florists deserve to make a parnasah as well. But there is such a thing as good taste and there is such a thing as “in your face”, over the top lavishness which in many cases is just plain uncalled for and frivolous. When it borders on the ridiculous, someone should reign them in and not encourage them. Who should that be? Well lets just say there are people who should simply decline the invitation to an event such as a bar mitzvah that is taken out of town, no really out of town where guests need to be flown to their destination, or the event takes place on a yacht.

These people would include the Rebbe and Rosh Yeshiva of the Bar Mitzva Bochur. The Rov of the parents Kehilah. The best friends of the parents making the simcha. The parents of the hosts and siblings, etc. The reason why they don’t is because they want to be treated to a vacation and they want to be included on the “in” list. The Rosh Yeshiva would never insult the Baal Simcha because he too does not wish to cause waves and lose funds for his yeshiva or favors for that matter.

When parents plan an over the top wedding, their Rov, the Chasson’s Rosh Yeshiva and other Rebbeim who are invited to the chassanah or expect to be invited to the chassanah should tell the parents at the time of the engagement that they wish the couple a sincere mazal tov but they have taken upon themselves that they do not attend weddings where the per person dollar amount spent is over $X. And the florist fees for x amount of people is over $…., or there are more than “x” members to the band. Of course they have to take into consideration what the going rates are in the various simcha halls in their communities and what a very nice wedding costs, so that they know how to cap it.

The family will then have to choose whether the guests are more important or impressing the guests are more important. The reason that the takonos don’t work is because people will say “I just don’t follow the takonos, or who are THEY to tell me what to do”. AND the guest show up anyway. One can’t say that you can’t spend money on a wedding because you should give it to tzedaka. That is not your business because you have no idea how much tzedaka the baal simcha actually does give and that has been the problem all along. Many of the baalei simchas who throw these lavish events, sponsor other simchas for the less fortunate.

However, when guests sit at a simcha and discuss the cost rather than the beautiful couple, and how much nachas and bracha you wish them, then there is a big problem. When the simcha becomes a circus and has nothing to do with the mitzva of being bar mitzvah, or being misameach chasan v’Kallah then whats the point? Do the parents really think the chassan or kallah would not have been satisfied with $30,000 less of flowers? Or $10,000 worth less of table linens or ice sculptures? Or maybe only a 7 piece band instead of 25?

EDITED

May I suggest that if it is difficult to daven because of other’s loud kavonos that one might try some earplugs to tune out some of the static and to have some more personal space to have their own kavonos and personal interaction with Hashem.

I would dan l’kaf zchus and assume that there is something under the surface that is not visible to the naked eye. Most probably you should say B”H that this bochur comes to shul to daven with the tzibur. It is not likely that a child or a bachur without some sort of issue would come that late, or would make a scene and bring notice to himself that he did come late rather than just sneak in quietly and catch up. The fact that he immediately made himself the center of attention and either did not notice or did not care is not b’derech hatevah. Please don’t rush to judge that it is an act of chutzpah. It might just not be.

I went to be menachem aveil and heard this amazing story. The niftar at one time was a Rosh Yeshiva of a small yeshvia in Chicago. He was giving a shiur to his students and realized they were very restless. He asked them what was going on and they said they were having a serious math test that afternoon and they didn’t quite understand the math. He told them all to close their Gemaras and proceeded to explain the math to them. Once they were all comfortable and seemed to “get it”, he told them they could reopen their Gemaras and they could resume learning.

philosopher, I am a child of Holocaust survivors and I can tell you that YES many were very, very spoiled because parents were so ecstatic that they had kids at all, that many gave them whatever they could afford to give including lots of jewelry. And many did not. It was a matter of choosing your priorities. And in that same way, one must choose their priorities today as well. One must not be concerned about what goes on in someone else’s home. Parenting means deciding what is best for your own children and not comparing or competing with the Cohen’s next door. Sure its frustrating when your neighbors don’t believe in the same parenting rules and procedures that you do, but you can’t control what other people do, you can only control what you decide for your own kids and maybe other parents might learn from you.

Right here in the CR you have no qualms stating your opinion and fighting for your right to say it. Well then you should have no problem standing up for what you believe in and explaining to your children why you feel it is best for them. Good parenting means you will not always win the popularity award with your kids. But that’s fine, you are not supposed to be their best friend, you are supposed to be their parent. And whether other children are spoiled or not should not make a difference to you. Yes I hear you and I know it frustrates you, but you can’t help that. Your job is to raise your children to the best ability that you can, and to bring out their best potential. Your job is to surround them with positive energy and make sure they understand derech eretz, mitzvos and maasim tovim.

Kids are always going to want what other kids have. Kids are always going to want what is on the shelf in the store. Kids are always going to want something bigger and better each Chanuka, Birthday and afikomen. That’s just how kids are. How you deal with it, and I don’t mean YOU personally, I mean any parent, will eventually determine your child’s character.

I am going to admit to you that in my neighborhood ALL the kids start driving at 16. I was the big meanie. I didn’t allow my kids to drive until they each turned 18. That is four kids that I did not let drive till their turned 18. I was the big meanie. ALL my kids friends were already driving at 16 but I put my foot down and said it is MY rule. My daughter was the oldest and then I had three boys. Honestly I didn’t think she was ready to drive and I wasn’t going to risk her life and the life of others just because everyone else was dong it. When she did turn 18 she was more mature and more coordinated and she drove well. Once I set the rule for her I couldn’t allow her brothers to drive before her. The rule was set and they all had to listen. And by the way, my husband was very happy since we pushed off how our insurance skyrocketing for 2 extra years a piece. Were my kids mad at me? You bet they were. Did I have the right to make that decision? You bet I did. Driving is a privilege and its not a right. Privileges need to be earned, and at 18, I felt they earned it.

You talk about kids being spoiled today. I said kids are spoiled in every generation. You then analyze me and tell me what I think, how i feel and what I mean by what I am saying. Then you tell me what I think about you, how I should feel, what I should be saying, what I should be doing, what I brought into the conversation, what I shouldn’t have brought into the conversation, quote by quote by quote.

Every post that appears on this or other threads is not a personal answer to you so stop taking everything so personally. It is not a personal debate with you either. It is a comment and a discussion about the topic and it is a contribution to the discussion. Not everything needs to be chewed up and digested and quoted and answered word for word and point by point. And not everything or everyone needs to be analyzed to see if they have a motive behind their words.

Lets just call it a truce. You are entitled to your opinions as I am to mine.

EDITED

Philosopher, in every generation parents complain how much harder it is for them than the previous generation. Nothing has changed. We each have our own set of issues to deal with. Do you think when MY kids were small I didn’t have to deal with the same problem? I did, and I knew my kids. If they didn’t get to bed at a certain hour they didn’t get to bed for hours and then couldn’t get up in the morning. I didn’t expect my kids to tell time or keep track of time. That was MY responsibility, and if I was late they were late. I didn’t blame them I blamed myself for not paying attention to the clock or for losing track of time. But regardless of the times I messed up, it was my responsibility to set my rules my way and then follow through with them no matter what the other kids were doing. One mother has to be the first to bring her kids in and then the rest follow slowly thereafter. Sure its hard, but that’s life.

One mother is the first to allow her child to cross the street by themselves, or to ride their bike in the street, or to walk to school by themselves, or to take the city bus, etc. That mother has to decide that her child is ready to take on that responsibility. But just because that mother does so, that doesn’t mean that you have to even if it is hard to say no. AND that is the reality of raising children in this generation, the one before this one and the one that will come after.

It is really a matter of priorities and understanding the difference between “wants” and “needs”. Every child deserves to get what they need. However, kids should learn that they don’t always get what they want no matter what they see other kids get. One really needs to set the rules in their own home. No two homes are exactly the same, no two homes have the exact variables. Even two siblings will raise their children a little differently because the spouses obviously come from different homes therefore they bring something different to the table and their perspective and point of view changes the family dynamic.

One home might be big on healthy foods while the other serves snacks all day long. Will you choose to feed your child sugar all day because your neighbor does? NO, you have to do whats right for YOUR family and that goes for every aspect of the decision making process. Your next door neighbor might have one daughter and she might have 10 Barbies. You might have 6 daughters and you might have limited them to one Barbie each. Does that make you a bad mother? No! Does that make your children under privileged? I don’t think so. Does that make that other mother over indulgent? Not really, after all she only has one daughter. She probably can’t help herself and it has nothing to do with what the child asks for, or maybe the grandparents, aunts and uncles have also bought her Barbies.

If you and your husband decide that bedtime is at 7:00 and your neighbors don’t put their children to sleep until 8:00 are you doing something wrong? Are they? Everyone has the right to make their own choices and no one should be afraid to choose for themselves no matter what the issues are. You don’t have to follow the crowd and you don’t have to make excuses for your choices. You don’t have to look what others are doing, and you don’t have to judge them right or wrong. You only need to focus on your own family, your own deeds, your own choices and your own decisions and stop worrying so much about everyone else.

In my Heimish community (not MO), it is perfectly acceptable to say Good Morning or Gut Shabbos to everyone. And that begins with the Rabbonim right down to 3 year olds! But thanks for all the poskim on the CR. I ‘ll take my cues from my Rabbonim who are as chashuv and as Gadol as anyone else’s, and are also considered Daas Torah and have also published seforim, and are also dayanim. Thank you very much!

sephardik.chabadnik, is it possible to go to next town and speak to the Chabad Rav over there?

Look at VRBO.com and see if you can rent a house with a pool in any of the areas you are looking into. You might pay less for a week in a private house than for two night for two rooms in a hotel, even if you don’t stay for the whole week. Even if you wind up paying a little more, you wind up having a whole house to yourselves and a small put private pool just for your own immediate family. BTW VRBO stands for Vacation Rentals By Owner.

mbachur, labels do nothing more than label you for purposes of putting you in a box for the convenience of others. Studies have shown that when schools label children those labels can stick to those children for the rest of their lives even if the child outgrows their issues. And the child is most likely to adjust more to the label than vise a versa at that time. In other words, “if they think I’m not capable then why should I try, I will just be the dummy they think I am.”

Labeling people only serves to justify YOUR OWN opinion of them and not necessarily verify who they really are. So for instance, the levush between a chassidish person on Shabbos is different than other sects and that is obvious. But when at work, a chassidish yungerman and a yeshivish yungerman who both have a beard and might have their peyos tied up behind their ears or under their yarmulka or cap, and both have a white shirt and black pants might be harder to distinguish. A Heimish man at work and a MO man both wearing blue shirts and caps might not look different until you see their yarmulka. A Heimish man who wears a leather yarmulka and an MO man who wears a leather yarmulka can’t be differentiated. And what is the point? They are all equally frum and follow the same Torah and Taryag mitzvos. So why do they need to be labeled? And why the need for this loshon horah. No it is not true that MO watch TV on Shabbos. Let’s put an end to that discussion. It is simply not true. If there are people who do that, and they happen to be MO, they are making up their own rules and they must have left the TV on before shabbos and do not change the channel just watch the same channel whenever they go into the room where the TV is on. NO that is not Shabbosdik behavior and neither is swimming on Shabbos which I have seen some Chassidim do in Miami, but that doesn’t mean that ALL Chasidim go swimming on Shabbos.

I have also seen many Chassidish women walk around the Pool area and even walk from the pool to the beach in their bathing suits without cover-ups in Maimi. Does that mean that it is acceptable among Chassidim for women to do that? Or for women to go mixed swimming in Miami? NOOOOOOOOO! But that doesn’t stop them from doing it when they are away from their daled amos! Is it fair to say that they look down upon us as if WE were goyim and they think it is ok to behave this way in front of goyim? That is the problem with LABELING!

We seem to have veered off the topic of judging people and not caring what we each consider ourselves to be, which it is not even necessary to inquire about. The point is which box others put us in, according to who THEY judge us to be. So by not even seeing us or knowing us, by just reading our comments and our opinions, many of you have labeled us MO, Yeshivish, Chareidi, Chasidish for no reason at, especially when labels are completely unnecessary.

Sister Bear, I would call them “sitting on the fence”. Either they are on their way up and not quite there yet, or on their way down and need support to stay up.

I never said no one should go for this surgery, not at all. I said that people should not take surgery lightly. And they should make decisions about surgery with the appropriate intentions and not with the idea of a quick fix. Every surgery comes with its own set of risks and therefore only a qualified physician can help a person make such a decision. It is not up to me or you or a person’s friends to help them make that decision. And if they get around the system they are only fooling themselves because it won’t help them in the long run.

If anyone want to judge a person by a picture or telephone voice then they deserve what they get! Pictures can be photoshopped and of course a person would be foolish to submit anything but the photo that portrays them in the best light. It might be a picture from a year or even 3 years ago. In addition, imagining what a person looks like from their phone voice is also very misguided.

But if the shadchan needs a photo to remember who they met and spoke to, that is another issue altogehter.

I am asking a serious question here, who do you think would give a heter for men and women to “discuss” halachik issues or any issues for that matter in a chat room on the internet.

Which RAV would consider that tzniusdik?

Which RAV would consider that OK, even if you do?

Which RAV would say that is OK, but girls congregating outside is not OK?

YOU are giving YOURSELVES hetering to do what YOU choose to do without ASKING your RAV if it is proper or not because YOU choose to do it and YOU don’t see anything wrong with it. Well in honesty that is a little hypocritical. If you believe in checking with Daas Torah then you should check with Daas Torah if it is proper to discuss such issues in mixed company whether you see them or hear them. Or even if you should be chatting in mixed company at all even though it is anonymous. I doubt if any RAV would allow it and I doubt if any RAV would give a heter for it. The only Heter I can see is if there is a website for Sheilos and anyone can write it to a Rav or a Rabbinic organization for answers.

aries2756-I think I still don’t understand you. I asked why we’re blaming the girls and you answered to remind us why we have to cry and fast on tisha b’av. Is that not correct?

Mischiefmaker, I’m not blaming the girls! I am saying that we should stop judging everyone and show more ahavas yisroel, that is why we still cry and fast on Tisha B’av, because of our lack of ahavas yisroel and our involvement of sinas chinam!

I mamash see miracles every day in the blessings and nachas that I have which keeps building my emunah and bitachon. Each time I look at my eineklach or my children b”h, or even my nieces, nephews great-nieces and nephews b”h, the list is endless. Then of course my extended family from the once upon a time at-risk kids who have b”h passed their nisyonos and those who are still struggling but have one revelation or another. One more clean day, one more safe day, etc.

I get closer to Hashem when I see the kedusha in a smile that lights up someones eyes and gives us a glimpse into their soul. I get closer to Hashem when I see kindness in strangers because they want to versus they have to.

I get closer to Hashem when I hug my mother who is very much so up in years and very ill but yet each opportunity I get to hug her, kiss her and say I love you is a brocha from Hashem and a matana and I realize that and acknowledge that it makes me feel closer to Hashem.

I feel closer to Hashem when an opportunity to do a mitzva presents itself. And I don’t mean make a bracha or give tzadaka at the door. I mean something that is meant special for ME to do, as if Hashem guided me or this opportunity especially for me.

I feel closer to Hashem when I choose to dan l’kaf zchus rather than judge another person because I feel like I worked hard on myself and that Hashem has rewarded me and elevated me to another madreigah.

And I feel so much closer to Hahsem when I put my faith and trust in his hands as I get behind the wheel of my car because I do my very best knowing that I have so much on my plate and I try to concentrate and be the best drive that I know how to be, but I do wonder about all those other crazy drivers out there that cut me off and miss me by just an inch or so, and then I surely know that Hashem is right there with me and has his foot on MY brake!