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At this point I am a Bubby, and I have B”H graduated all my kids from school. But while I was a parent in the school system I was always involved in PTA and fund raising even while paying full tuition.

The real problem like everyone is discussing is what does it really cost per child? Why should someone who can barely afford to pay for their own child feel like s/he is not paying full tuition and getting a break when in fact full tuition not only covers his own child but is meant to cover his child plus extra to cover what other people don’t pay? Yeshivas raise tuition because they can’t make ends meet, but then parents struggle to cover their tuition bills which they can’t afford so we wind up spiraling into situations that just get out of control.

Parents need to work within a system that is “real” and makes sense. They need to know the truth about what is shayach to them. How much does it really cost to educate their child. On top of that if they can afford more, what is expected of them and what can be considered a donation? Is it really fair for those who are in a position to pay more to not allow them to write part of that off as a donation? After all it really is because they are subsidizing someone else’s tuition on top of their own child’s. Because they include it as a lump sum tuition and it is forced on all parents as tuition fees, they cannot consider it a donation for tax purposes. Is that fair? In actuality it isn’t it is a form of trickery. Yeshivas raise the tuition fee so those who can afford it pay it, but those who can’t go to the tuition committee and show their tax returns and don’t pay it. But no one is told exactly what the expenses are and what it actually costs per child to educate all the children in the school.

Why shouldn’t the parent body know this? Why shouldn’t the parents know that it costs $10,000 per child in this school but not all kids are covered and the rest of $xxxx needs to be raised by other parents. Therefore as per the advice and agreement of the local Vaad Harabonim of the community the amount of $5,000 is being attached to the tuition of other children which will be receipted as a donation and will be placed in a scholarship fund to cover the costs of the other children in the school. In addition, the parents on scholarship are encouraged and expected to do everything in their power to help fundraise for the yeshiva to keep adding to the scholarship funds. And all parents are encouraged to fundraise as well and to understand that EVERY talmid or talmidah in the yeshiva is important and a contributing member to the overall academic and spiritual success and spiritual atmosphere of the yeshiva.

Public libraries is just that “public” and the computers are out where all can see. If you do not allow your kids to go on the computers then they should be told that someone will see them and tell you if they do. In addition, no one has the nerve to go on shmutzek sites in the library when anyone can look over their shoulders. In addition I believe that the use of computers at the library are limited in time increments because members are given appointments to use the computers. You can’t just grab a computer, you have to sign up to be scheduled for an appointed slot. Not so poshut.

In addition everything is computerized these days, so even the books kids take out is no secret. I don’t believe that minor children have the right of privacy and if parents want to know what books their minor children have borrowed, they may actually have the right to ask the librarian to check the computer and give them a print out. So parent can tell their children that they may at any point do that. Jewish children will also have that inborn issue of making a chilul Hahsem if they try to take out an inappropriate book because the Librarian will know that they are doing it.

All these things can and should be explained to frum kids when introducing them to the Public Library and at each step that you give them more liberty, freedom and responsibility for their own choices.

The way to restrict them from inappropriate material is to go with them and look at what they are reaching for. Or go with them prepared with a list of books that you either prepare yourself or you have asked the librarian to assist you with.

There are many great authors and many great books that WE read as kids that can still be found in libraries today, which are perfectly legitimate for our children and grandchildren. However, I would not allow them the freedom to roam around the library by themselves until they were old enough to understand the dangers of what they can fall into including innocent children’s books discussing alternative family styles like two mommies or two daddies. Or how we celebrate with a Chanuka Bush, or why our Passover Seder is different than our neighbor’s.

There are many biographies on very important people including the people who founded this country and Eretz Yisroel. There is a vast amount of knowledge to be found at the library but just as Shoprite and Walmart have both kosher and non-kosher so does the secular library and until kids are old enough to know how to look for the proper hechsher on books, they should not be left alone to pick and choose.

Hashem gave people bechirah. There are good and bad people in the world and people have the choice to do both good and bad. When it came to the holocaust it was bad people following a very bad person. They did have bechirah and they chose to follow a mad man. The choices yiddin made after the fire is something that WE learned a lot from.

My mother raised us not to judge others. She always told us that there were the frumest of the frum who went into the war and came out total non-believers. And there were the friest of the frie that came out of the war totally devoted to Hashem and became very frum.

So when we speak of the bad that happens we either understand that it is something that man has created or Hashem is testing us in some one. When good happens we do need to understand that it is a gift from Hashem, because either it came from man which was created by Hashem or Hashem answered a prayer or sent us a sheliach. Everything we have comes from Hashem but he does not control our choices.

Oomis, my mom was niftar Oct. 4, the 27th of Tishrei.

I met this young lady when I volunteered at an alternative school for at risk kids 8 years ago after my aunt was nifter. At first she ignored me but then we clicked. She became a daughter to me and we have been through some highs and lows along her journey. I told her two basic rules in HS at that time, she was a senior and wanted to go to seminary. I said hang with the winners and keep your eye on the prize. B”H she did go to E”Y and I was zoche to visit her there. To make a long story short she, B”H, became a nurse like her mother who passed away when she was only 11. She married a very nice yeshiva bochur and settled in my neighborhood. She is a very huge part of my household and is one of my most frequent Shabbos Guests. She has said to me a million times that she doesn’t know what she would do without me, but in return I have replied that she is a gift to me from Hashem and I don’t know what my life would be like without her.

This young lady, this angel of a nurse, administered to my mother the last 2 days of her life. For some reason she was cancelled from her job on these two days and so she was available to come over. As we always say, there is no such thing as coincidence in Yiddishkeit. She dealt with the doctor and made sure not only that my mom was comfortable and did not suffer, but kept me and the rest of my family calm and in control. My mother died peacefully in her own room in her own home without tubes or wires just oxygen and some medication to help her breathing. My mom died on her own terms in her own way. Her name was Malka and she left like a queen surrounded by her family al pi halacha before and after her petira.

I told my young nurse, THIS is why Hashem sent you to me and you became a part of my life. I could not have helped my mother on her journey without you. You were the sheliach, really the angel that allowed my mother to pass without suffering and if you were not in my life I could not have been mechabed my mother in this way. I myself could not have supported my mother without the normal and usual emotional hysterics which would normally accompany watching your own mother die if you did not stay calm and keep us calm through the process.

I have said it many times throughout my work with at-risk teens. It is not difficult to love someone else’s child because they are all Hashem’s children. Hashem literally placed this child in my arms to love and nurture and she in turn loved and nurtured my Mother and eased her in her final journey to olam habah.

Ever think of Connecticut? If you live in Brooklyn that is a great get away. Or NJ, or PA. Not too far away and beautiful with antiques shops or any type of activity the two of you like to do. Pick anywhere in the tri-state area and then go for the best priced accommodations that you can afford.

One thing we all have to remember which pretty much levels the playing field, no matter which Rav you follow, no matter which livush you wear, no matter which kipah style you choose, no matter which neighborhood you live in, no matter what the differences are THERE IS ONLY ONE HASHEM, and he wants us all to play nicely in the sandbox.

I am not looking into yenem’s pocket I am just saying in general that people should prioritize and not look to keep up with the Joneses and stay within their own budgets. Obviously if a woman works outside the home cleaning help is important unless the husband and wife share the housekeeping and even then whatever the budget allows and whatever they decide.

I am saying in general that WE all have to learn to cut back when necessary and especially when we have obligations such as yeshiva tuition and other important obligations that should go at the very top of the expense list, such as insurance.

And no, it is not a necessity as SJS and Commonsense mentioned to have 2 cars, or even 1 expensive car when you don’t pay full tuition. Nor is it appropriate to have an expensive home with a huge mortgage. Sometimes that is a circumstance that happened because you borrowed against the house to pay bills, but sometimes that is because you WANT a fancy house on a fancy block in a fancy neighborhood. But in that case your kids could go to the same school if you move just a few blocks away on not the best block but still in the same vicinity and not the grand mansion. The question being how do you justify letting someone else subsidize your chovos to the yeshiva because you choose to be the grandame or king of the castle in a home you can’t afford to keep up appearances for your friends. And I am not talking about people who have fallen on bad times and used to pay full tuition plus, they are entitled to ride out the storm. I am talking about people who put their own egos before their obligations.

I agree with squeak, the books should be open and yeshivas should have committees and conferences to discuss issues and how to deal with them to make the finances flow better. The problem is that Yeshivas feel it is NOT the parent body’s business how they run the school nor how the money is spent. And right there is a huge problem! I am not saying that every parent should walk into the office and have a look at the books. But maybe the parents should elect the working committee who works with the Board and Yeshiva administration and those parents should be able to review the books and the issues and report back to the PTA and parent body on what the Yeshiva is doing and what the Parent body needs to do.

minyangal, you have a very good point. People open up their own yeshivas for their own reasons. Some are very good ones like a new concept or placing kids others threw out. But some are just really to create an environment so they themselves can make a parnasa or to stroke their own ego. This of course adds to the burden of mortgage payments, building fund which they attach to the parents’ obligations, dinner, melave malka, etc. all in an effort to raise funds for the yeshiva but one parent might have their children in 2 to 4 different yeshivas and that is the least if you have girls and boys in both elementary and high school. If you have more than 4 kids and have various needs you can be supporting 6 or more yeshivas at a time. Each with their own demands.

I don’t think that out-of-town yeshivas experience the same problems that big cities do for these reasons. They might need to raise money for Kolel but not really to run mainstream yeshivas because they basically have one for the entire community or one for boys and one for girls. Or like the joke goes about shuls one they send to and one they don’t.

There are many chapters to this story, it is more than just to sides to the coin. But no matter which way you look at it, if you get the children involved you destroy them. Children should be left out of it as one other poster commented. If you accept the child do not involve him. If you can’t afford to accept the child do not accept that family for the next year.

Yeshivas should separate the money from the chinuch and many do. There are tuition committees working with the Financial administrators who are working separate from the Rosh, principal and administrator of chinuch. Two separate entities, one taking care of the children and curriculum and one taking care of the finances. Most require credit card accounts and automatic monthly payments in order to register your child for the year. They do not concern themselves with how you make those arrangements that is up to the parents. So whether they do it through their own account or have someone sponsor them, the yeshiva gets paid. If there are extenuating circumstances they work it out on the financial side of the Yeshiva and the children themselves are not effected.

Understand what this means. Parents HAVE to be financially responsible or they wind up paying more in tuition costs because they pay interest to the bank or lender for late payments on their credit card bills from which the tuition payments have already been drawn. So if parents would rather spend money on fancy cars, or fixing up their home, they know that the Yeshiva gets paid first and that will show up at the top of their credit card statement every single month.

At no time should a child have to suffer because a parent is late in tuition payments. A parent should work something out with the financial office, whether it be to raise funds for the yeshiva to meet his obligation, or fill out the appropriate paperwork “on time” to see if they are eligible for scholarships, etc., or even barter with the yeshiva depending on what kind of skills he or other members of his family can provide for the yeshiva. As a matter of fact yeshivas should promote the skills of those in their parent body who have difficulties paying their tuitions so that other members of the parent body can avail themselves of their services and give them the parnasah to afford the tuition.

While most Yeshivas send home a weekly newsletter and “charge” for the ad space, this would be a great opportunity to do this chessed and by the same token promote much needed tuition dollars for the yeshiva, by advertising for those parents who need work in order to pay their tuition bills. No one will know whether these parents paid for the ads or not, so why not work together to make it work for everyone?

If you are saying tehillim please keep my mother in mind Malka bas Feige Leah. She is very ill and coming to the end of her journey.

One thing we learn when we suffer a loss and sit shiva is to be careful not to say stupid things when paying a shiva call. Honestly, people say the stupidest things you wouldn’t believe what comes out of their mouths. Like asking if the family is putting the house up for sale or mentioning that they have a shidduch for the widow or widower.

Another thing that we don’t realize we say is “i understand how you feel” I honestly we don’t, we can’t because even two siblings are not experiencing the same loss. Because each sibling has their own memories and their own experiences with the nifter or nifteres. So no one is really mourning the same way, and no really feels the same way or understands or experiences the same as another.

If you do not receive something they will follow up, however, if you did not receive what you were promised, or you received only one of two, they don’t care. As long as something was shipped even an empty box, that is all they care about. They will only intervene if it is a dispute involving EBAY. That is what they told me. So if you use Paypal through a credit card and not your bank account you are safe because you have your credit card company to fall back on. But if you allow them to access your bank account, you will never recover the money.

Halachacly speaking a couple must be attracted to each other and not eckeled by each other in order for it to be a shidduch. Having said that, no one really knows what will attract one person to another. Take a look out on your main avenue and see who Hashem has put together. We can have a good hardy laugh because in many cases we would never have thought of putting together many of the couples WE see, and we wonder how the shadchan ever thought of the shiduch. My husband’s partner went out with at least 100 girls before he settled for his wife. This was over 30 years ago. He claimed he was marrying the richest and the pretties. Now please have in mind that I have nothing against his wife and she is quite a nice and lovely person but she was neither wealthy nor gorgeous, and certainly not the “wealthiest” and most “beautiful” that he had dated.

As far as lists are concerned, one rarely gets whats on their lists, because after all Hashem is in charge. So the search for the prettiest, skinniest, tallest, etc leads people to long and lonely lives alone.

My son (who is B”H married with a couple of kids) happens to be 6′ tall (which is rare in today’s generation of young boys) and a pretty good looking young man at that. Since he was 19 years old people were chasing me with shidduchim “what is he looking for” and I kept saying he is not looking for “fluff”. They looked at me as if I was nuts and asked me what I meant. I told him looks are not the most important thing to him. He doesn’t want a ditzy dame who bats her eyelashes at him ands says “honey, the milchig fork fell into the fleishig sink what should I do?” He would lose his mind and probably answer her “that’s your job, mine is to go out and make a parnasah and yours is to understand how to run the home. Ask your mother or mine, or call a Rav!” That is what’s important to him, to have a wife with a brain, someone that can keep up with him and have intelligence and smarts.

B”H, he got both beauty and smarts probably because he wasn’t looking for it.

It is always surprising to see that people forget who is really in charge and how everything we do is recorded and remembered. Hashem did not give us brains to figure out how to beat the system!

mw13, attractiveness IS something important in a spouse. The point is what one considers attractive. Is it her chein? Is it her smile? Is it her eyes? Is it the way her eyes laugh when she is telling a joke? Or is it makeup, the newest hairstyle, hat or sheitel? Is it the slimmest she could possibly be, or the latest fashion or color of the week? Or is it the way she holds her head high when she walks into a room, or the way she always smiles when she looks at her children? Is it her posture and self confidence is it her generosity and gentle ways? What makes her beautiful? What makes him handsome? Is it that special gleam in his eyes when he bentches his children before Shabbos?

After I lost my father a”h I was extremely saddened and inconsolable. Everything I did, I did in his zchus and to make him proud of me. One thing that changed tremendously was my outlook on almost everything. Things that seemed so important to me before seemed foolish and superficial. You really learn to view things from a different perspective when you suffer a loss. You prioritize your life and get rid of the shtusim.

The problem with this whole scenario is that “Shalom Bayis” and the marriage itself is not the “ikar”.

If you already asked your Rav then why do you feel the need to get confirmation from others? Once you ask a Rav a sheilah that should be all the confirmation one needs. Why bother asking a Rav anything if you don’t trust him to give you the appropriate answer or if you don’t feel satisfied with his answer?

Obviously it has come to a point where we trust Rabbonim less and less and look to others for moral and halachic support more and more.

That might depend if you work and what kind of work that you do. If it will affect the outcome of your work and your clients then it may be mutar, you have to ask your Rav. For instance, if you are an attorney and you have to go to court. If not shaving would be considered chutzpah to the Judge and it would effect the outcome of the verdict and you can not risk the client’s verdict. If you would lose a client because of your appearance that would be an issue as well. If you would risk your job because of a dress code, that would be another criteria. If however you work in a frum office, I doubt you would get a heter to shave.

As far as shuls are concerned is there any reason that signs are not posted to shut your cell phone or leave it in your car? Hatzolah members are told to lower their radios when they are in shul, why can’t ordinary men understand this concept?

Health, you can only be the best Jew you can be and be the best role model you can be for your kids. The kids have their own bechira and their own healing to do. With time they will learn to see the truth and will come to the understanding and seichel that only time, age and maturity can bring. The parent that blames, faults and disrespects the other parent in the eyes of the children is usually the parent that loses the children causing the children to defend and protect the other parent. It is always best to allow the children to make up their own minds and come to their own conclusions. A child needs and deserves 2 parents good or bad. It is up to the child to decide as they grow and mature if in fact either or both are either good or bad or just different or whether either, both or none are right or wrong or just different.

You will always be their father and they will always be your children and that means that you will always have the opportunity to teach them mostly by being the best role model you can be for them. So please never feel defeated and never give up.

Hatzlocha rabbah.

myfriend, who is teaching them that? What is missing here? What exactly are they learning from their parents?