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I hope that most people mean you should separate “friendship” out of the equation when you are transacting business. It is a no win situation.

I worked with a young woman who lost her mother quite suddenly at the very young age of 11. She told me that she was in so much pain and no one recognized it. Her teachers kept pointing to her top button which was unbuttoned when her broken heart was just three inches away. No one worried about that, only about her top button. That hurt her even more to the inner most spaces of her soul. So she started asking questions and they didn’t know what to do with her. Of course you know what they did, they sent her on her way right out of the school. I found her in an at-risk school and she became a daughter to me. B”H she is very frum today and married to a very nice yeshivish boy.

We caught this one, but we lose so many, many more. Some forever because they numb their pain with substances and sometimes they go overboard and we can never get them back. Some purposely because the pain is too much to bear and they take their own lives. But B”H there are kind hearted people out there that open their hearts and arms to them and allow them to come rushing in. They show them the love that one is supposed to show a fellow Jew. They show them what true Yiddishkeit is about and what true ahavas yisroel is about, and how to apply what we learn in the Torah to everyday life, and if we are very lucky, they start to come back home again.

SDHN, in truth, if one wants to or rather if 2 people really want to they can make any marriage work if they are committed to do so. And we see this in arranged marriages which wind up working if the couple choose to love and respect each other according to Torah Guidelines.

Over the top

Rome, in general has a more conservative outlook, but as a visitor I was told the closer you get to Vatican City the stricter the dress code becomes. Other cities in Italy do not have the same perspective.

I think you know because you have a sense of peace and calm about your decision. You can’t get that person out of your head. Sort of like you are having breakfast and think of what the other person is having for breakfast or if you are eating french toast wonder if the other person also likes french toast. You start thinking of things in terms of WE instead of I. Your mind set changes even before you get engaged. Its like a smooth transition.

coke is the worst because it doesn’t stain it destroys things. If it spills on the carpet it will “bleach” the color right out of the carpet. Coke is acidic so it does not just stain it changes the chemical makeup of whatever it spills on. Don’t try this. But if you spill it on the hood of your car it will eat through the finish.

I have live chat and it isn’t that great. I breaks up at times and if you hold up a paper it isn’t that clear. It all depends if both parties have the same frequency, the same speed, the same updated system, the same type of computer, etc.

Since YOU don’t know what Hashem has in mind for you, my advice is always to continue until you know for sure its not for you. If you feel you are settling because s/he does not meet all the criteria on your list, then my advice to you is “throw out your list”. Most people never get even 20% on their lists and that is why the lists we make up are foolish. We only THINK we know what we are looking for and that’s because we really are not looking for OUR bashert. We are looking for our dream and fantasy of a spouse. What we really need to be searching for is who Hashem picked out for us. So he might be shorter than what we really wanted but that doesn’t mean he isn’t our bashert. She might not be as thin as planned but that doesn’t mean she is not the right one. Are you getting my point? That is not called settling, that is called understanding.

If you date someone and you find the qualities and values in that person that you can respect and admire those are things that are important and you should continue to see where it will lead. If there are minor things that irritate you, then maybe those things can be discussed to see if they can be fixed or if they are really important enough to give up on the shidduch. For instance anyone can change their appearance with a little bit of help. A person can buy new glasses or even contacts. And with a little help in the wardrobe department, a shleppy looking person can be taught to dress a little more dapper. But you can’t change a person from the inside out. Height and weight are not as important as a good heart and soul.

On another note, not all guests have the best midos nor the best etiquette. Some because they just don’t have it, and some because they are just plain nervous being in as new place, strange environment or are uncomfortable among strangers. Sometimes they feel on the defensive because of innocent questions that they might not feel or understand are just innocent and are small talk, they might feel something asked was an invasion of privacy or someone in the past asked the same question and was actually prying. We don’t know why people get ticked off or say stupid or hurtful things.

If WE are going to host strangers, WE need to know and understand that it is up to us to run the show smoothly, learn how to change subjects and move on quickly, ignore things that might seem to us as insults if it came from “other” people, and just keep things on a lighter note. Don’t get involved in their lives and don’t ask questions that you really don’t want or need answers to. Keep conversations pareve. If you are having guest not on your economic level, DON”T necessarily take out your finest or your best. Set a beautiful table but don’t go to the point where they might feel you are showing off and they might feel awkward. Make them feel honored and welcome but don’t go overboard. Make them feel comfortable and at ease. If something spills or breaks, it should not be a big deal or be of a huge consequence. If things go smoothly you will be happy to invite them again, and they will be more comfortable the second time around.

References are a double edged sword. What does a mother expect to find out from another twenty something, the prospect’s very good friend. Would the young woman give a reference that didn’t think she was the cat’s meow? Of course her references would absolutely “die” for her. And any mother that checks her references by calling her friends deserves whatever she gets. The only reason someone should call those references IS to hear how wonderful the girl is. Other references are usually Teachers, Rabbonim, and other adults. When you decide to call young people it is only to confirm the good things you already heard.

If you steal you are a ganuf whether you steal from a jew or a goy. Hashem sees everything you do and knows your intentions. What is the point of this discussion?

care bear

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TT,

It seems that YOU have it all worked out for your children for the moment. However, as your children grow up and go outside all by themselves, if they are armed with your guidance will they make the same choices as you? Will they choose the small pharmacy and avoid the mall? Will they walk past the magazine and book racks? If you explained to them why YOU are doing it, they probably would. If you didn’t they might not.

Firstly sit down with your wife and “discuss” a budget and discuss what you need versus what you want. Then figure out what you can actually do without before asking anyone else for advice. Try to figure things out as a couple and then as a couple ask for ideas from the other couples in your community. Sometimes it pays to buy in bulk and split things with a neighbor or two so you all get the benefit of the savings. So for instance if one couple hosts Friday night and one couple hosts Shabbos day, you each wind up spending on just one meal and it really comes out cheaper than both of you spending on two meals.

Walking and carpooling if you can work that out with your neighbors will save on gas and/or car insurance or car payments. Using extra sweaters or heavier blankets can save on heating bills if you pay for heat. Buying on sale is always a good idea and then making up menus with items you find on sale works as well. You don’t necessarily have to be stubborn about the foods you eat, try new foods because they are on sale.

But most importantly disscuss everything with your wife and make sure you are on the same page.

It is not ok to let a 5 year old and a 3 year old fight and hurt each other. It is better to help them understand why each of them are doing what they are doing and to find ways to communicate with each other. Don’t forget that communication is the key and that fighting will not be contained only between them and in your own home. If they don’t learn to communicate they will do what they do to each other to outsiders as well.

EH, then I would suggest that you ask the librarian to assist you and give you a list, then start reading them and cross off anything from the list that you find objectionable and allow your kids to read anything on the list that you found OK. If you start when the kids are young, you will be way ahead of them and you can keep the lists as the kids get older so you don’t have to repeat this process for your younger kids, just keep going and add books to the list as your kids get older.

Keep the lists as per age order, you can even divide the lists and share it with a friend or family member so you can get through a lot more books. And since you and your peers can read a lot faster than your kids, you can cover a lot of ground in a very short period of time.

I went into a local seforim/Judaica store last weekend and asked them to make a list according to the publishers or with the publishers help of books according to age. Since when I as a grandparent and parents come into the store to shop for age appropriate books and we have no clue which books are recommended for which age, we usually just get frustrated and walk out, it would be so much more convenient to have a printed guide to follow and choose from.

The scale is not a good measure of what you are losing or how you are losing. There is a big difference in losing fat or losing muscle and water. If you want to lose weight the right way do it with a doctor who can watch you appropriately to make sure you are not losing muscle but building muscle. Sometimes you might get on the scale after eating appropriately all week and exercising appropriately all week and still not lose a pound, maybe even gain a pound. But with the right doctor and the right scale, he might be able to tell you that you gained 3 pounds of muscle and lost two pounds of fat so you actually did very well that week. However, if you got on the scale at home you would feel frustrated and dejected because you would feel like you gained weight not understanding that you actually lost bad weight and gained good muscle.

I agree with apushitayid. Just as a young wife has to take her job and making the parnasah seriously so does the Kolel yungerman have to take his job seriously and that means zerizus in going to minyan on time and in learning. No one is deducting pay from him for coming late and he is not at risk for losing his job if he slacks off. But he is at risk of losing his wife’s respect and admiration. He is also at risk for gaining his wife’s resentment for having to work hard to support him when he is not working equally as hard to deserve that support.

So if a wife is taking her job as “Ezer K’negdo seriously and finds that she needs to remind him or push him, then there must be a good reason for it. A husband who shows his commitment to his davening and learning by going on time or even early, who comes home exited about his shiur and wants to share a good vort, shows a wife that he doesn’t need a mashgiach watching over his time. A husband who asks his wife if she needs his help and specifically tells her he can run errands before or after zmanei tefillah or davening shows his wife that she does not have to be on top of him. In addition, such a husband does not mind when his wife reminds him of the time. Aderabah he appreciates that she is helping him do what is important to him.

myfriend, sorry to tell you but i don’t buy it. No Rosh Yeshiva would allow any Talmid to use the internet with filtering for the purpose of blogs or chatting. The only way a Rosh would allow a talmid to use the internet with filtering is if it were necessary for parnasah or research for school. So before we bring heterim from Roshei Yeshivas lets be very careful what we imply and lets understand very, very well that Roshei Yeshivas have banned the internet. So if WE want to be on the madreigah of the avos or imahos, or aspire to be on the madreigos of Roshei Yeshivos or Kanaim then seriously WE HAVE TO STOP MEETING LIKE THIS!

Dvd’s, magazines and books are also in pharmacies, shopping malls, and other stores. All these things you fear from in a library can easily be bought or read while shopping. Do you take your kids shopping? Do you send them on their own? Where did the now 40, 50 and 60 year olds get the things they shouldn’t have gotten before dvd’s and vhs as well as internet were invented?

Teach your kids appropriately. Be the best role model you can be. Keep the lines of communications open. Let them understand the reasons why you are guiding them away from shmutz.

Really you can’t lose weight for anyone else but yourself and you can’t do it for any other reason than you really want to do it and you are really READY to do it. If you do it for a quick fix you will gain it back just as quickly. So YOU have to decide that you want to make a life change, eat healthy and be healthy. Just because you love to eat doesn’t mean you can’t learn to love to eat healthy foods. And just because you love to eat doesn’t mean you have to eat fattening and unhealthy choices.

Maybe the best thing for you is to seek out a good nutritionist and go for a medical checkup. Found out where you are holding medically and know what you have to do to bring any medicalissues under control. Discuss your weight loss issues with your doctor and then take that information to your nutritionist. She will help you learn to read labels, learn to make substitutions in your favorite recipes and meal plans and understand portion control. You can eat a lot of food on a good diet plan and never be hungry as long as you are eating the right foods for your particular body type and medical issues.

When you make those changes in YOUR diet and meal plans those changes carry over to your family meals which will automatically help the rest of your family learn to eat better and make healthier choices. As these choices start to have a better effect on your body you might have a little more energy to take on the exercise you have been avoiding.

I believe that one should remember where they are and where they are going. I don’t believe it is appropriate to play sports in a suit and therefor it is not appropriate to go to shul in sports attire. I don’t believe it is appropriate to present yourself in front of an Aron Kodesh in anything less appropriate than you would present yourself in any other court of law, judge or business meeting. After all you should definitely consider your meeting with Hashem in prayer just as important. If not why are you there?