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Hashemwillhelp, please don’t be depressed about this. Go get the tests and do whatever is necessary to bring the joy of children into your life. And don’t look at others, really. Although they have the children you crave you don’t know how Hashem is testing them in other ways. You don’t know if all those children are healthy, you don’t know if their marriages are 100%, you don’t know if they have parnassah, etc. Hashem tests everyone in different ways and you really need to understand NOT to look at yenem with kinah. Hashem has a plan for you and it is special for YOU. Have emunah and bitachon and understand that when you bring your beautiful babies into the world you will appreciate them so much more than if you popped them out 9 months after your wedding.
We don’t know why Hashem does what he does but WE need to trust in Hashem and have the faith to follow the paths he has laid out for us. There is a reason he sends us the shelichim that he does. And no it is not easy, and yes it hurts and we shed many tears because if it. That’s OK, but we also daven to Hashem because of it and we get closer to him and we connect to him because of it. And it makes us understand other people’s pain as well, and it makes us give tzedaka and it makes us do chesed, and it opens our eyes to see the world in a different light. So for whatever reason he has given you this nisayon accept it and step up to the challenge. YOU will succeed with Hashem’s help. Accept Hashem’s help and be confident that he is by your side to bring you your yeshuah.
I say this because I too did not pop out my first child after 9 months, and many of my family members were parents in waiting for a long time as well. But B”H all our dreams were beautifully answered with a capital B. It took some of us 2 years, some 4, 7 and even 13 years, but in hindsight whatever Hashem’s plan was for us we have beautiful children and eineklech as well.
GAW, most people do not revolve their life around TV. That would be people who really don’t have a LIFE to begin with.
Sister Bear, when people have problems most especially women what they need most is a good friend who knows how to listen to understand. That’s basically it. They need to feel validated and heard. They are not looking for anyone to fix their problems for them or to tell them what to do. Really they just need to be heard. Problems come and go, and usually once they get their frustrations out, they can clear the way to finding a solution. You can’t control others, only yourself so be the friend they need to listen when asked. Then be compassionate with “I hear that”, “i can hear how frustrated you are with that” or “have you figured out how you will handle it yet”?
The more faith you have in your friends that they can actually figure it out on their own, and that they themselves have the answers to their own problems the more confidence they will build in themselves. That is the best way to help them and be a good friend to them. However, if you feel the need you can always say “I think you will figure this out on your own” or “I know you can handle this yourself and are just upset at the moment, but if you need my help just let me know and I will see what I can do”.
We grew up with 30 kids in a class
Sean, may I suggest the help of a professional seamstress who can adjust the clothing to make them comfortable and maybe hide the seams with a patch of softer cloth to make them lie flat and smooth and be covered by extra soft fabric which will not induce pain on your daughter.
In addition maybe the website you bought the socks from can guide you where to buy pants, leggings or tights from. But most probably the best bet is to find a good seamstress and a good fabric store so that you can buy fabric that is very, very soft. If you can’t find fabric soft enough, try taking a very soft sheet like 600 count cotton and make leggings or pants from that.
What does the Vaad Harabonim say?
Oomis and there is my point exactly. You spoke to the parent and heard the whole story. As the parent would ask questions and hear the whole story, and so do the police investigators before any accusations are hurled at the alleged perpetrator. But once they have a clear picture of what happened and feel that the child has spoken the truth, there is no turning back. Trust the child.
You can download netflix to any computer even with a filter if you accept downloads. So you can get any kind of movie you want on your internet without being embarrassed in front of anyone.
Anyone who wants to watch shmutz will do so on TV, video, dvd, or internet. Or they can find it in books or magazines or go to a movie house or theater.And anyone who doesn’t won’t. Anyone who thinks none of the above isn’t kosher won’t be able to read any of these comments anyway.
Enough said?
MG, justice will be served. We all have to answer to the same maker after 120, and we all have to give an accounting. Hashem keeps very accurate records for those who hurt and for their accomplices. People who get in the way of justice and in the way of protecting innocent children will reap the fruit of their labor as well.
No, just because you obey the Rabbonim that doesn’t make you more religious. Following Halacha, obeying the Torah and doing what Hashem wants you to do makes you Religious. Rabbonim disagree all the time, so how does that qualify?
mw13, are you married? Do you have kids? Do you honestly think that parents put their own kids through this kind of hell? Are YOU nuts? Which koolaid have you been drinking?
I’m surprised about BY of BP especially for elementary school. I don’t live in BP so to hear this is going on in BY of all places that is a shock to me. Where are the kids getting the videos from at that age?
so right, you are SO WRONG on so many levels! Wise up and hope it never happens to anyone you know!
backer in
Who’s to judge? Why does anyone need anything? Does anyone have the right to judge why? Shouldn’t the owner of any object be the only one that has the right to an opinion on why they “need” anything unless someone else is paying for it.
GAW, don’t be naive, there are lots of non-jews who don’t watch TV. They have already named it the “idiot box” the “boob tube” and other such titles. Many people find it a waste of time, an insult to their intelligence and just stam an exercise in poor taste. For whatever reason people choose to have one or not they have their reasons and they don’t need other people to convince them one way or another. People have the right to choose.
What would it take to convince you to get rid of your internet? Just asking.
oomis, frum kids DON”T make up these stories they are too sheltered to know about this to begin with! If a boy talks to a girl he is going to gehenim remember? So do you think he would make this up and die right on the spot?????
OK, don’t get me started but now that you have here it is. The therapists that planted such ideas happened many, many, moons ago and things like that don’t happen anymore so PLEASE do not use that as an excuse to NOT report any possible situation.
I was one of the original founders of the JBAC and am very proud of that! Kudos to the board for sponsoring the week of prevention and education starting off in Chicago and ending in BP! Kudos for all the Jewish organizations who have finally come on board!
Things everyone needs to know. The reason molestation has been hidden and covered up for so long IS because those, especially those who are Rabbonim and Chashuv people could get away with it because of their positions. Exactly because “who would believe a kid over them”. Think about it. And not just any kid because molesters groom kids especially kids that NO ONE WOULD BELIEVE. Perpetrators are very smart and cunning. They don’t go after just anyone. They will choose kids that are weak or whose parents are weak. You don’t hear of kids from prominent homes or from Choshuv homes. No one would dare go after such a child because then exactly “who would you believe ben Rabbi so and so or Rabbi so and so? Or they would go after a friend’s child because no one would believe that he would do that to his best friend.
Molesters are evil and they should NEVER be run out of town, they should be locked up period! If they are run out of town they take their evil disease and inclinations with them only to hurt other children in their next location. Stop sending them onto new unchartered grounds. Stop protecting your own children at the expense of other people’s children. END their REIGN OF TERROR for good. Pedophiles can not be cured unless they are stopped after their first offense. There is only hope if you stop them and treat them right away. And yes when we say that molesters were molested themselves, we don’t give that information as an excuse. We give that information as awareness to show how it is a CYCLE and if you don’t stop it, you are only going to watch it continue in the future.
If one pedophile has 100 victims each of those 100 victims can have 100 victims in the future which will breed 1,000 victims which can multiply to 100,000 victims. Get it? So why has this been going on for 40, 50 years even longer? Because our Rabbonim chose to look away. They thought kids are resilient and they would bounce back. They didn’t have the means or didn’t choose to study the long term effects of molestation on kids as they grew up and actually find out what happened to them.
Today we know what happens to them and aside from them repeating those actions to others, their lives are ruined in other ways, many turn into homosexuals, many never have normal relationships, many never get married, many go OTD, some commit suicide. Many never recover to be successful in education or other areas in their lives. NO Rabbis, they are not resilient when it comes to this, they do not bounce back and they do not recover! So there is no reason to cover up for your friends and peers. There is no reason to have more rachmonus for the perpetrators and their families. Have rachmonus on the victims and their families AND on the potential victims you can be saving from harm. If not you are literally leading thousands upon thousands of lambs to be slaughtered.
Why allow our yiddishe neshomas to be karbonos just for the honor of those who deserve none? Please, please report any and all suspected and known child abuse and/or molestation to the police department so they can investigate and handle it properly. Do not allow even one more yiddishe neshoma to fall prey to the evil and destruction of those who have this disease and refuse to seek treatment instead of act on its vile impulses. Teach your kids what to watch out for. Teach your kids to yell for help. Teach your kids to run and scream. Teach your kids to talk to you and tell you EVERYTHING especially when someone tells them its a secret or someone threatens to hurt you or a family member. Talk to your schools and camps. Make sure they agree to be mandatory reporters. Don’t take NO for an answer and if you suspect something don’t talk it over with a RAV go straight to the police or your doctor. Your doctor will take the decision out of your hands and do the right thing for your child. For more info go to the JBAC website.
I think its hard to bowl without slits even if your skirt is all the way down to the floor!
“So how are we supposed to give constructive critisism? “
The point is you don’t have to!
I am not a lifeguard and I have taught about 100 people (women and children) to swim because I learned as an adult and understand the fear of water. For some reason kids just trust me and they come with me into the water. I taught and teach my grandkids and when my grandkids are not with me in the pool I “borrow” someone else’s grandkids. Because I understand the fear of water I know how to get someone to overcome that fear without making them feel uncomfortable or foolish about it.
They are not fooling themselves, they are fooling the schools. You can also be selective with the TV and the internet. You can also put parental locks on the tv and locks on the cable boxes. You can also put locks on your bedroom doors, etc. You can also rent a dvd player ONLY when you rent a Jewish video or dvd.
Schools should also MIND their own business and put some faith and trust in the parents. They should have more communication with the parents and less rules. There should be more conferences and workshops with parents and with parents together with kids and less rules and chumras. Work on midos tovos for all involved and stop telling parents what they can and can’t do. Work together as a team to produce the happiest and most productive and successful yiddishe neshomos. Stop forcing parents and kids to lie. Stop raising the bar so that everyone just walks under it instead of aspiring to reach it.
stop sign
I would say the MO bus. It would be the quietest ride. Everyone would have brought their own entertainment either books, ipods, or dvds. They would all have good personal hygiene so they would all smell good. And they probably had their food packed properly in containers and coolers. Or they are all on diets with only shakes and protein bars so no smelly foods.
So I make that choice now because I am in availus. I am not looking to mingle at this time. I am not looking to be a part of a crowd. I am not looking for noise. I am looking for peace and quiet and to find my inner voice and to reflect on my own thoughts and feelings. And maybe also to relax if that is what the trip is about.
truth or consequence
truth be told
When kids talk people say “oh their just kids”. But if you don’t listen to the kids, how will you know what’s really going on?
That is how we got this far and got so messed up. Take the time to listen “to understand” the kids. Ask questions, find out what they are really saying and feeling inside. Find out from what grade they started feeling that way. Find out at what point they started feeling frustrated and when the simcha was forced out of them.
The “system” has covered this up for so long by saying “don’t listen to kids”. I am telling you, kids are smart. Stop shutting them out. Listen to your kids, your neighbors kids, any kids. Just take the time to listen.
Join the Y or JCC and take lessons with the life guard.
We grew up with Italian kids on the block. Kids don’t celebrate the source of Halloween they celebrate the fun of it. It is a secular holiday not a religious one. So as was the case in BP in the 60’s and early 70’s if neighbor’s kids knocked on the door we gave them candy. And came Purim time my Mother would send Shelach manos to certain Italian neighbors with us as we were dressed in costumes so they could taste her delicious home baked goods and they would pay us off as others would. They knew our customs and we knew theirs. And as a side note, the Italian mothers usually made their kid’s costumes as our mothers made ours. People didn’t just run to the store to buy everything so our mothers took pride in seeing as well as showing the “goods”.
Its like Moshiach, l’havdil, we have to be zoche.
baby steps
ramateshkol, WE all started out respecting, honoring and supporting our yeshivas. It is when they no longer deserved our respect that we stopped!
Twisted, I don’t think that is a fair assestment. If you don’t understand where she is coming from you really can’t judge. If someone from outside the daled amos of the Orthodox community does not see or understand the many facets that we do, we need to explain it to them, not judge them for what they don’t know.
People in general as a rule need to learn to be less judgmental and more helpful. And being helpful can mean to wait to be asked and not butt in. It also means to hold your tongue and teach your children to do the same.
In a school environment whether a child is of special needs or just shy and awkward sometimes a teacher or Rebbe should assign a child a “special friend” to be their guardian angel and assist them in their adjustment periods. This friend can last the year, or be friend of the month or whatever the teacher decides to do for that particular class. The mechanech does not have to announce it in public but can speak to another student in private and tell them s/he has a special mitzvah assignment for them that is private just between the two of them and they musn’t divulge the secret to anyone but Hashem will definitely reward the child for the mitzvah. And that a special note will be sent home to the other child’s parent that “your child has a new friend his/her name is “x”.
Who do you think will gain more from this experience in the end?
Do you have to inform his teachers and his friends?
up in the air
Most young adults go OTD not out of choice but out of pain. They are usually pushed or shoved OTD by abuse (sexual, verbal or physical), dysfunctial families, loss of a parent or sibling (or someone else close to them) or a dysfunctial school situation. Others who make it through HS go OTD afterward because they followed the rule “fake it till you make it” and those are the ones that didn’t get answers to their questions and found that by the time they graduated they felt like an empty shell filled with useless information. How does this happen?
Mechanchim are not trained to “watch out for” or “notice” kids who are not eager to learn, excited in the subject, participating in the conversations. All they are interested in is that the girls are tznius and the boys have their tzizus out and wear a hat and jacket for davening. The rest involves spitting out what was fed to them. Oh, I almost forgot, wearing their uniform or get sent home for not doing so. Would you like to take a guess as to how many girls are sent home without even the concern that a parent is home when they do? What would happen if that girl never makes it home?
Mechanchim are also not given a Staff Handbook on how they are supposed to “Behave” towards the students, what to look out for, and what to report. Mechanchim are usually not trained in any way and they are not working at this job because they love it or devoted to it. They are working at this job mostly because of its convenience. Part time, close to home, convenient hours, etc.
Ok, I am speaking about most, not ALL because there are absolutely some excellent mechanchim out there, but I have not had the experience of meeting most of you as I have advocated and worked with so many at-risk children in the past, as well as my own childrens’ teachers. Those of you who are excellent mechanchim would sit and cry with me if you heard the stories I could tell you. And not ALL the kids I know or know of have recovered or returned to Yiddishket.
One mother just called this week and told me that her daughter, now 20 with a baby, asked if she married a goy would her mother come to the wedding. Now this young girl at 17 was turned away both by an at-risk institution in my local neighborhood when the Rabbi lied and said that ALL his girls were Shomer Shabbat and a program in Israel which she was sent home from with no return on her $20,000 investment. Both had the opportunity to work with this girl who was so eager at that time to work on herself and change (ripe for the picking as I said) but they wouldn’t give her a second chance. Each of these mechanchim have a huge achrius in her yeridah in the birth of her daughter and what happens to both of them.
So again I say, they can’t judge their achievements by their success they have to also account for their failures.
LA guy, WIY, Now that’s an Idea, shouls we post in on the invention thread?
minyan gal, it is a shame, but don’t get me wrong. I’m talking about the percentage of failures which in perspective is still small in comparison to the percentage of success stories. Not everyone is turned off, and Thank G-d, B”H it is still a small amount in comparison but too large an amount to ignore. Even if it happened to a handful of kids I would still be up in arms. But one of the many problems is that people choose to be blind to the problems and when WE advocates speak up they find excuses not to hear us. They tell US WE don’t know what WE are talking about or WE are blowing things out of proportion.
The TORAH is the same for ALL Jews. It is there for us every single day, every hour every minute. It applies to today the same way that it applied to yesterday, to last year, to a hundred years ago and so on. The rules haven’t changed and although times has changed and people have changed the Torah is tried and true. And although WE as human beings accomodate our life to our surroundings we don’t accomodate the Torah to our life, WE still need to accomodate OUR life to the Torah and its Laws and customs. That hasn’t changed and that will never change. So no matter how affluent we are, no matter how much we grow as a community or as a people, our roots stay the same and WE can’t forget it. We can’t allow our own personal ego’s to get in the way of our Torah values, and unfortunately that is what happened and that is why our children suffer today.
Our Torah leaders of a generation ago were simple Jews with great big huge hearts, minds and souls. They give of themselves in uncountable ways and they did it humbly and without expecting rewards. They shunned the spotlight and they shunned noteriety. They spoke in the same, manner and style respectfully to a rich man as to a pauper, to an adult as to a child and to wise learned soul as to a beginner. Each one is Hashem’s creation and each one was deserving in their eyes.
Today’s leaders have forgotten what THEIR teachers taught them. They have forgotten to emulate their tremendous role models and have stepped over the boundaries that their predecessors maintained. Too many to count chase after honor, they chase after wealth, they have huge egos and they are not interested in the poor little Jew. And I’m sorry to burst your bublle but that goes across the board whether they are affiliated within the Orthodox, Chasidish, Conservative or Reform groups.
So I will keep fighting for the sake of the kids and I hope you do to no matter what affiliation you belong to, because Kids Count big time in my book.
I sometimes feel uncomfortable when people bring gifts, its always appreciated but I don’t want them to feel obligated to do so, and I would like them to feel like they can drop by any time even if they weren’t officially invited. So I would prefer if they happened to bake something or if they made a particular salad that they love and wanted to share.
The best thing I think is a nice card or note to just say that you always enjoy being part of the family and having a good time with them. But that is me. I think you should do what the host appreciates the most. So there is always a bottle of wine to share, a desert, some candy, etc.
matter of fact
Start from scratch, get an Alef Binah, so they can learn the letters. I once taught a 50 year old. She was a teacher. So I used the Alef Binah and then I put the english letters that corresponded the sounds next to the hebrew letters to help her catch on to the sounds more quickly.
NO! Let him think it has something to do with blogging.
Automatic Lip zipper against loshon hora
keeper (her) in mind
room at the inn
WIY, children need consistency. That means that they need good role models in both their home and in their school. AND they do spend more time in school than they do at home. In addition, in most yeshivas these days they rarely teach kibud av v’em, because they literally tell them they don’t have to listen to their parents they have to listen to THEM, they are more important. And kids see the hypocrisy that is before them, whether it is in their home, in their school, in their shul or in front of their home. It has nothing to do with the goyim and the outside influences it is the inside influences in their own daled amos that are turning them off. THEY forget that kids need to be kids. THEY forget that a kid’s job is to make mistakes, so that he can learn from them. Hashem has programmed kids that way. THEY forget that kids are a matanah from Hashem and that WE are supposed to love them unconditionally no matter what. THEY forget that each little gem Hashem gives us needs to be nurtured and polished till they sparkle and shine to their own potential not roughly cut and tumbled till they all look the same. THEY forget that children are like sponges just waiting to absorb what we teach them and show them so why didn’t they teach and show the love for Hashem and his beautiful religion? Why did THEY emphasize mitzvos lo taaseh instead of Mitzvos Aseh? Why did they not show them how to rejoice in simchas hachaim and apply what they learned in the Torah to everyday life to make it viable, alive and current for them? Why did THEY make our children feel that being frum is a burden and a responsibility instead of a privilege?
If you break one leg can you not use the other and still walk? So then if you are missing your hat can you not still daven? If you are late for minyan should you then daven b’yichidus? How come taking off a day from school to be with the family is “bitul Zman Torah” but suspending a child for 3 days for doing something stupid is NOT bitul zman Torah? What lesson is he supposed to learn from that? How come if a boy and girl start to talk to each other the girl is kicked out of school and no other school will take her literally ruining her whole life, while depending who the boy’s parents are, he gets to ride out the wave? Because a boy and girl spoke to each other, that was a good enough reason to throw them out of school and ruin their lives? That was supposed to teach other kids a lesson and keep them from doing it? Did that help or did they keep throwing more kids out? Oh by the way once they were thrown out wasn’t it easier for the kids to speak to each other anyway? So what exactly was the point of that exercise, how did THEY help the kids?
How does holding back a kid’s diploma so he can’t go to college help get the parents to pay the bill? Why not let the kid go on to have a normal life and put a lien on the house? Or let a collection agency go after them after all business is business as the other thread said. Oh that’s not what I meant to say, how does holding a kids transcripts hostage because THEY don’t want the kid to go to college help the kid? I’m drained I’m sure someone else can pick this up.
Whether that story is true or not there is a lesson to be learnt and it leads us back to the other threads on OTD. We can’t pick and choose our mitzvos. It is a true aveirah to hurt and humiliate another Jew. What do you think throwing a kid out of Yeshiva does? Does that not hurt and humiliate another Jew? How about the entire family? What about molesting a child? What about abusing a wife?
There are many lessons to be learnt at this point in time. There are so many lessons on what we did wrong in the past 20 years. It is so easy to pat ourselves on the back and say LOOK how many men are learning to day? Look at all the mekomos we have built that are Learning centers? But why aren’t they saying “LOOK HOW MANY LIVES WE HAVE DESTROYED?????” You can’t measure your accomplishments by just your success you also have to take into account your failures.
Game On
Princess, I would think about it a little bit. Are you so hurt that you can’t adimit what she said isn’t true? Or did she really get the wrong impression or information? If she is off the mark then wait a few days and then meet with her and calmly ask her why she said what she did. Then you can tell her that you were very surprised and dissappointed that she felt that way because you honestly don’t see yourself that way or you honestly don’t think or act that way whatever the case may be. Set the record straight and clear up the misunderstanding before it escalates into something more than that.
request granted