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Eclipse, you had me worried. I need you here and I am glad to see you back. And I am very happy that WIY understood that it was up to him to offer a sincere apology to bring you back.

WIY, i appreciate your apology as well, and hope that you learned something from this fiasco. Please notice when you post on various threads that many of us choose to skip them and not post because we don’t have knowledge and/or experience in those areas. We might ask questions at times but we don’t offer advice because we can’t it is an area that just doesn’t apply to us. For instance when you get into a discussion in Gemara or Talmud I am out of it as are many of the women because it is not in the realm of our knowledge or expertise and it would be foolish of us to offer an opinion.

A person does not need to know another person’s story, you just need to understand not to assume or jump to conclusions. You also need to understand that certain threads and certain posts are written for others to “listen to understand” and not to judge and analyze. That is when you put on your thinking cap before answering to figure out what the poster “needs from us”. Are they looking for chizuk, guidance, advice, etc. And that is when you check if you can answer the call. Do I have the knowledge and experience to help. That is different from posts that just ask for opinions or halachic answers.

You also need to understand the nature of people. Not everyone is like you. Even though you don’t take things personally, or comments don’t bother you, you can’t judge how other people will feel by your own barometer. You are very young and have not experienced what others have experienced. So people react differently than you do, and you can’t fault them for how they react to comments made to them, whether we know who they are or not. They know who they are and hurtful comments hurt, as you recently found out for yourself. You yourself thought it wouldn’t bother you but in the end you begged the moderators to close the thread. So I guess we can say lesson learned. Hatzlocha WIY, and lets move on from here with the knowledge we all gained.

OK, let’s keep it that way.

So Right, that was his apology!

If you already have a band ask them who they recommend. They work with a variety of singers.

blue, do you have any idea how many kids grew up hating their parents and rebbeim for hitting them? And lets go a step further, do you know how many never got over it and haven’t forgiven them? I don’t have the statistics on this but there are many.

Thanks, Blinky. Actually, I didn’t and I am so far from hungry, I still feel full from my morning drink.

One of the problems of one of my medical issues. No appetite and no I don’t get hungry. I do get a headache which is when I realize I forgot to eat. And I have all these yummy yogurts I filled my fridge with, but I need to get to the fridge to see them.

In our neighborhood, our Pediatricians recommend Dr. Delitzky (I’m not sure of the spelling) in Manhattan.

APY, I wasn’t responding to you specifically I was still responding generally and to the original OP. Please don’t jump to conclusions. Had I meant to address you personally I would have prefaced my post with your name or initials as I did here. And as originally posted it was a girl in question and the name in question was “Hencha”.

Smile E. Face, I want to let you in on a secret. Even parents make mistakes. But no matter what, no matter what we say, no matter what mistakes WE make. No matter what mistakes YOU kids make WE never stop loving you. WE always love you and YOU are always the most important people in the world to us. WE might not always show it. WE might not even always know it because we can be blinded by circumstances and by other people. But OUR love for our children is like breathing itself. WE just can’t live without it.

When working with kids I was mentoring my rule was to get them to rebuild their relationships with their parents. It wasn’t easy and in many cases it was a long process, but it was always the goal. (And by the way, it wasn’t difficult to love someone else’s child either. Hashem gives us that capacity to love a yiddishe neshoma, so just imagine if we could love another’s child kal v’chomer how much more so is our love for our own children?) Back to getting them to build a relationship with their parents….many times parents were just plain too stubborn to see the forest for the trees and truly acting immaturely. Many times I had to tell the kids “one of you are going to have to be the adult in this situation and it looks like it is going to have to be you”. And do you know what? The kids stepped up to the plate and made the first move to correct the situation with the parent. But once they made the first move, that was all that was needed to open the door.

Rebuilding relationships is a step by step process. But someone has to make the first step. Never doubt that Hashem loves you and that he is always by your side to help you. And never doubt that your mother loves you. No matter what. No matter the waves you ride together, no matter the arguments, no matter the circumstances. Life is not easy at times. Different families go through different and sometimes very difficult circumstances, but it is the love a parent has for a child and vice a versa that gets them through in the end.

Hatzlocha rabah!

roll cake

I agree with the points you brought up. It has nothing to do with how much the sheitel cost. And I feel bad that Georgie was brought into it and she seemed strained on the video. I don’t feel R’ Hoffman should have gotten involved in this. I think he is only adding more fuel to the fire because although he thinks he answered all the questions he only answered the ones HE wanted to but opened it up for more questions because those that others wanted answered were not answered.

It would have been best had he not gotten involved and just let the entire incident just die down slowly.

Rockerfeller

Of course its an emotional issue and it is a family issue not a halachic issue. That is why I suggested more than once that the OP discuss it with the family members involved and come to terms with it one way or another so that they minimize the hurt. That is why others suggested that the name was a nickname and that the poster ask the parents if the given name was actually something else. Exactly because it is an emotional issue and it is a family issue.

Look I love all my grandchildren the same and have an amazing relationship with my oldest granddaughter who my son and granddaughter chose not to name for my mother-in-law. It hurt at the time but it does not take away anything from our relationship with the child and it doesn’t take away from our relationship with our kids. We forgive our kids anything and everything. Believe me, we all know that kids hurt their parents in many ways. I am just saying that this is one way they should show their own generosity and especially APY said, because they knew their grandparents and so should feel the connection.

But every case is different and we all gave our own personal opinions based on how we each feel. This is how I feel, it doesn’t make it wrong because YOU think it is wrong. This is how it is in my family. It means a lot. If in your family it means nothing, or it doesn’t bother you that your parents don’t have a name, then that’s it. It doesn’t bother you. So we disagree. That doesn’t mean either side is wrong, it means we have a difference of opinions. As far as asking a Rav, the question asked is usually, “do I have to give a name my mother wants me to…..” How many times honestly is the real issue asked. “It is very important to my mother than a name be given for her mother. They were very close and she was just nifter. It is their minhag to give names for their parents, etc. I know she will be very devastated if we don’t name for her mother, but I don’t like the name. What should I do.”

Maybe if the question was really posed as the situation really is, the Rav would ask more questions such as what the nifteres was like, how close was the new parent and his grandmother, etc. before he came to his answer. He might still give the answer to name your own child what you want, or he might change the new parents way of thinking without even giving an answer just by the discussion process. Who knows. All I know is that the answer you receive usually depends on the way the sheilah was presented.

Anyway by now the baby must have been named so what happened?

RB, C”V, no absolutely not, but that wasn’t the question presented, the question was about the Rebbe. In some instances depending on the age of the child a parent might find that a potch on the behind serves a purpose, like a child running into the street, where a discussion about the danger of doing so will have no effect. Again depending on the age of the child and circumstances.

And, RB, a potch on the behind for a dangerous circumstance is not equivalent to smacking a child which is only done in anger. A rule for parents is to take two deep breaths before reacting. If you try to calm down before reacting your reaction would be more logical and not physical. You would either remove yourself to calm down or tell your child to walk away till you calm down.

As far as the Rebbe is concerned, there was a great Rebbe in that yeshiva which both my boys had I think in the 5th grade I am not sure. The Rebbe I believe is still there. At any rate, whenever the boys did something wrong and needed discipline he would tell them “remind me later that I owe you a potch”. That was it. He got his message across without touching anyone. And this is the same Rebbe that played basketball, dodge ball and arranged trips for them. Did this Rebbe love his talmidim? Yes, every one of the them. And that’s why he is a Rebbe.

NO, NO, NO, NO ABSOLUTELY NOT!!! There is no excuse, none. If a Rebbe loves a talmid he can find another way to discipline a child. On the flip side, it is obvious if a Rebbe does NOT love the talmid he has no place at all potching a child because it is only done in anger. So that knocks ALL their excuses out right from the start.

It is “ABUSE” any which way you look at it. In this day and age, the rules of “don’t touch others’ children” are VERY, VERY clear. If a Rebbe hits your child he is out of control and does not belong in the classroom. And if he hit your child he has hit others before.

Many, many moons ago, when my boys were in elementary yeshiva in BP (actually a chasidish yeshiva) I was head of PTA. At any rate, I was carpooling the boys and one of the boys mentioned that the Rebbe swung his belt with the buckle out and knocked out a child’s tooth. This was the 4th grade. I was appalled. I dropped off the kids in the front of the building and went to park my car. I went back to the classroom and peeked in the window of the class. It was a zoo. The Rebbe could not get control of the class. It was obvious why he resorted to the dangerous tactics that he did and that he didn’t have the knowledge and training he needed to be a Rebbe for that age boys.

I knocked on the door and called him out to speak with him. I asked him about that incident. I asked him if he had ever touched my son? I told him that he is not allowed to touch any child. He told me that he would not hit my child again. I told him that he is lucky that the parents did not sue the Yeshiva for what he did and even more lucky that he only knocked out the child’s tooth and not his eye or bust his eardrum! I told him that he didn’t hear me correctly. That if I heard that he touched ANY child again, I personally would call the police and have him removed from the building.

My next stop was to the Rosh’s office to relay the events that just occurred. I warned the Rosh, who was a very warm and loving man, that they were at risk for a law suit because of this Rebbe and he needs to set him straight. I also repeated that if I hear that he touched another child I personally would call the police. The two of us had years of history and understood each other very well.

She was hurt by something WIY posted on her “What I learned from my Teen” thread. So much so that she divulged something very personal about her situation and walked away from us. Personally I understand how hurt someone can get from attacks even though they are anonymous and I mentioned this many times to no avail. I only hope that Eclipse takes the advice she herself gave me, and sees that there are people here who really care about her and wish to be mechazek her even though we are all anonymous to each other, chizuk is chizuk!

APY, you have. I have said it to my kids and I will explain it to you as well. For all the things that we do for them, for all our acts of generosity and kindness, from monetary to physical help even before the grandkids arrived, and then when they did, the only thing we ask is that they honor our parents with a name. My husband and I don’t even go any further than just our parents, not grandparents, just our parents, that’s it. And we find it hard to understand that our children or anyone’s children cannot give back to their parents for everything they do for them and be a little generous in return when it comes to this small thing about honoring the grandparents with a name and perpetuating their memory.

Why should a parent keep giving, and giving generously when a child cannot be as generous? That is all I am saying. That generosity should work both ways and that a child should recognize an opportunity to give back to a parent in this way if it means so much to them. Why is it such a big deal and why is that considered bribery? That is common decency and kovod Av v’em.

As far as children inheriting what once belonged to their namesake, that’s not bribery. Grandchildren get loads of things from their grandparents, believe me they don’t lose out. However the heirlooms that belong to those particular grandparents will automatically go to the ones that share their name. Is that bribery? No, that is logical.

My mother was niftar 2 months ago. I found my father’s silver becher in her breakfront. It isn’t fancy or big. It is the only piece of silver she hadn’t already distributed among the kids and grandkids. She kept it because my father made kiddush on it every Shabbos and Yom Tov. I gave it to my oldest Grandson. He is only 8 but he is the first one named for my father. He is not the only grandson named for my father. My sister and brother have grandsons named for my father and they have other grandsons, but mine was the first named for my father so he got it. It was logical.

I have my mother’s diamond ring. My daughter will inherit MY diamond ring after 120 and my first granddaughter who is named for my mother will get my mother’s diamond ring. That is my logic. I have b”h have 7 granddaughters at this time. I have other jewelry that they will inherit, but my mother’s ring will go to the one i”H that will carry her name. What is wrong with that?

Cherry, which words did I transform? Yes I have many years experience working with the at-risk population and all the well-meaning, yet not-knowlegeable helpful people who made suggestions to parents: or social workers and rabbinic intervention who kicked kids out of school and “sent” them out of town where they would be better off.

Please list for me the schools out of New York, where kids are away from their families and they were highly successful because I would love to be able to refer others to them. I myself had called only one that I know of but couldn’t get any in for lack of space and a place for them to live and be supervised. FYI I have also spent much time, effort and $ getting kids into rehab, so regarding the yapping factor, please provide real information or don’t accuse others of yapping.

And by the way, what are your credentials in this regard

True, sefardim live to have children named for them. Greeks as well.

It is not bribery at all. It is just the natural order of things. If a child is named for someone you naturally talk about that person to that child. If you have something that belonged to that person, your natural inclination is to give it to that child because it would have some meaning to that particular child, while it would hold little meaning to a child who did not feel the connection. How is that a bribe?

When I gave my daughter something that was her grandmother for whom she is named after it had some value to her and she appreciated the history of the piece, more so than something of another family member. She wore it with a different sense of pride.

Eclipse, pleaaaaaaaaaaaaaase don’t leave me, I need you. I come here for chizuk from you. I certainly know how you feel and I feel terrible that you felt the need to share something so personal because of someone so foolish and hurtful. You shouldn’t have to share anything you don’t want to share. I know how that feels and how you feel the need to explain yourself because of some mean and cold individuals. But Eclipse, he is just a kid, wet behind the ears. Don’t let his lack of understanding and ignorance of our adult situations get to you. Please, please do what you told me to do and ignore, ignore, ignore. Take the love you shared with your child and know that you are loved and valued, very, very valued and don’t let the foolishness of an anonymous blogger hit you where it hurts the most.

Eclipse, I would also rather know, and I have also figured out most. You can tell a lot by what they get tzihizt over.

Oomis I agree with you and it is frustrating when everyone hides behind halacha to make things the way they want it to be. There are even different shitas from what I have heard about using your own hair to make a sheitel. I was extremely surprised about this because I was taught that you could not grow your own hair as a girl and cut it to make your own wig. Which made sense to me. What would be the point, wouldn’t you then be showing your own hair? Years ago, in the country there was this vabel from Lakewood that told me she was making a sheitel from her own hair and her Rav told her she could. I was very surprised, but if she asked her Rav and he told her she could who was I to question that.

I am also quite sure that every Rosh Yeshiva would have a very frank talk with all their talmidim if this were a halacha, And there would be no need at all for this discussion if in fact it was a halacha because the issue would be moot.

SR, b”h, may they continue to be blessed both with children and riches!

I was thinking about this and I realized that it my be a European vs American background. As a second generation Holocaust survivor we were raised to honor those that lost their lives in the Holocaust. When we had our children we asked our parents for a list of names to choose from. It could have been their brothers or sisters as well as aunts, uncles, cousins and grandparents. We chose from the list they gave us and it didn’t even occur to us to just pick a name from a book or whatever. Maybe others, who didn’t have that experience and didn’t have the same connection being a descendent of survivors don’t have that same strong feeling or conviction. It might also be a strong family tradition brought from the “alter heim” which we just feel is very important as the other traditions that we hold on to in our families. That might just be it, it might just be a family thing.