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What could I say, Please bentch me to go in your path and be worthy of Moshiach.
It helps not to discuss your dates with friends to begin with. Friends have a tendency to help you romanticize and read more into the situation than what is actually happening. A parent or dating coach will help you hold back a little more until “HE” shows he hand first.
I think every girls starts to picture herself “married” to the guy to see what it would be like. The more you date the guy the more comfortable you get with the idea. As you discuss it with friends they push you more into the fantasy and tell you “for sure, yeah he is in to you, wow he said that, and so on…” What you really need to do, is just take each date for what it is and wait it out logically to see where it is heading.
How does one get over it? Everyone is different. If you can pull out your bitachon and emunah and lean on that, it would help a lot. Know that it is going to hurt a lot, but that this one is going to bring you closer to your real true zivig. Understand, if you could, that everything happens for a reason. Try to realize that if it wasn’t meant to be, it is better that you found that out now and not further down the line when you would have been even more devastated.
Do something nice for yourself. Take a spa day. Surround yourself with positive energy so you can feel and believe that it has nothing to do with YOU and may not have anything to do with HIM, it is just not meant to be this particular match. LOVE yourself and surround yourself with people who love you. Go to the pet store and play with the puppies.
Not everyone uses a graphic designer, not every graphic designer is talented. What can I tell you? People need to use common sense when advertising. Everyone thinks they are talented at what they do or their kid is. “Look how adorable this ad is that my daughter made, lets go with it.” Does it make sense? Not necessarily but my daughter did it, isn’t it adorable? She is so talented. NOT!
There are many advertisements that you see that don’t make sense, that is impossible to read, that you can’t really tell what they are trying to sell, or are too crowded to even bother with. It is not worth “discussing in a shiur”. It was supposed to be cute. The advertiser thought is was cute and it would promote business. Obviously she was wrong. It wasn’t worth devoting an entire shiur to. When she realizes that it didn’t do anything for her bottom line, she will change the ad.
As for the shiur, I am sure the time would have been better spent on something more appropriate.
The best thing to do is wear layers so that you can adjust if you get hot or cold. Also try to wear things that don’t get crease easily so you wont be fixing yourself to not crease or feel like you just went through the wash/dry cycle by the time you get off the plane. Wear shoes that slip on and of easily so you don’t feel constricted in lace ups for so many hours. The blankets they give are really not warm, the pillow is tiny. So if you can stuff your favorite pillow into your carry-on you will sleep better.
If you are in business class they will give you ear-plugs and an eye mask. If not buy your own to help you sleep. You might shut your light but your neighbor might not. You might want to sleep and your neighbor might be very chatty or there can be a baby crying next to you the whole way.
If you don’t mind changing, you can always take a change of clothes in your carry-on and change in the bathroom half hour or so before landing. Don’t bother worrying what other people think or do. Everyone does what they are comfortable doing. Men will fall asleep in their suit on the couch at home anyway, so don’t go by that.
My first question would be WHY did he break up with her? That is a very important question. I would definitely be careful not to get hurt the same way that she did. Obviously things were going well for a while if she is so hurt and can’t get over him, so what happened? That is important for you to know and for you to be objective about. Don’t bend over backwards in either direction not because you want to sympathize with your friend and call him a jerk, nor sympathize with him because you want to go out with him.
Then really think it through. What made him right for your friend to begin with and what made him wrong that they broke up? How alike are you and your friend and are you looking for the same thing? If this could really be someone that has the same values and lifestyle as you, discuss it with your friend and see what she says. A true friend who honestly loves you and believes he was a good man would tell you to go ahead, just like a sister would. A jealous friend who would say she would never forgive you is not a real friend who has YOUR best interests at heart. I would tell her that you are not looking to hurt her but that Hashem is in charge and that you will have to continue the conversation with your Rav.
When it comes to Pesach hotels, this is such a touchy topic. The costs are so high that people try to nickel and dime even by squeezing as many kids into one room as they possibly can even against hotel and fire code regulations. The Group NEVER tells the guests that tipping is mandatory and they would never include it int he bill because they want to look like they are reasonably priced. THIS is the biggest chilul Hashem since it is they who are the biggest perpetrators of the scam. PEOPLE in general are NOT aware that hotel staff are NOT paid a wage and are reliant on the tips they make. The groups that run these programs should be obligated by law and by halacha to tell their guests or include it in the bill to avoid making a chilul Hashem. I think Kashrus organizations should discuss this and include this item in their contract when giving a hechsher on these hotels. They are the only ones that can control this issue because they are the only ones that have any control what-so-ever over the Pesach programs.
They should insist that each contract either has the tips included in the bill or a line that says that TIPS are mandatory and not optional. And that includes TIPS to the counselors who are not getting paid much either.
RB, my apologies, from your post it sounded like you did not tip, and most people seemed to assume that you didn’t. The delivery man did ask the appropriate question which was how much change would you like. HE could have assumed that you were giving him the entire amount as a tip, which he didn’t.
As far as claiming FREE DELIVERY is concerned….it is still considered FREE delivery since the STORE does not charge the fee, it is totally up to you how much YOU decide to tip. $3.50 is not a big tip on a $50 order. It would be a very nice tip on a $20 order. If you regularly receive a delivery from this store and it is holiday time you might have given this regular delivery guy a $20 tip. So it is FREE as far as the store is concerned since they are not receiving the payment, it is totally up to the customer how much he chooses to tip.
Our grocery stores do not advertise FREE DELIVERY and does charge a $6 or $7 fee for delivery. This is specifically to pay the driver. I don’t feel it is necessary to tip the delivery man because I know that I had already done so at the register. When I did have FREE DELIVERY, I used to leave a tip with the cashier knowing that I would not be at home when the delivery was made. When I took groceries home with me and had someone help me to the car, I tipped him as well and if it was raining or snowing I tipped him very handsomely.
iyhbyu, good point
Another good point to make, is to apologize when asked to.
or if the boy’s purse didn’t match his coat!
MDG, thanks for he tip!
OK, it did come out wrong and that is why I avoided it. Thanks for explaining I appreciate it. I don’t argue for the sake of arguing with TMB and I am doing my best to filter. There are just those times where I just HAVE to jump in and set him straight or at least try.
This is always the difficult part. Just say that the mom thought you sounded like a great guy but that she had something different in mind. If he pushes just say she didn’t give you any details. There is no reason to get into it and hurt him. Just tell him you will keep your eyes and ears open and do the best you can for him.
“I can’t believe this thread made it past 10 posts without aries or oomis arguing with him!”
That’s because we have more SEICHEL than you, but thanks for proving it to everyone else.
I believe the only way a blog makes money is by its advertisers. So that is something you have to think about. What would your blog be about and what type of advertisers would you solicit?
What gift or talent do you have that you want to share with the world? (we know you have many) How would you moderate your blog? Would it be private, members only? Would it be based on one particular topic like parenting, health, environment?
What safeguards would would you install? How hi-tech are you, or do you have friends who can help with the technical stuff?
Hatzlocha Eclipse, reach for the stars!
If you lie it will always come back to bite you in the behind. The truth has a way of always coming out and the worst time. Once you are found out to be a liar you will never be trusted.
In today’s economy TIPS are not optional, tips are not only expected but relied on. Anyone who doesn’t TIP is just plain cheap and chuzpadik! YOU can no longer go back to the former definition of the word TIP because it is no longer defined as such. TIP or gratuity is no longer based on performance and it is no longer based on whether the customer chooses to be gracious about it. The server is DEPENDENT upon the TIPS s/he collects. That is usually his form of income and WE the customers/consumers NEED to be aware of this NEW phenomenon and get used to it.
RB, the next time you pick up the phone and ask for home delivery don’t be surprised when they tell you to come PICK UP your order instead. The delivery guy has every right to refuse to go back and deliver to your home since you were so stingy and cheap! You are not the only one calling in the snow, cold and rain. The restaurant does not have a group of delivery people, they are lucky to have the one willing to go out in bad weather to all those too lazy or too cold to make the trip to the store themselves. The delivery man will be happy to keep delivering to all those who treated him graciously, which I am sure are many especially in bad weather. Without a doubt he told the owner that he will not go back to your home. So whoever else lives in your house with you will have to suffer your bad manners as well.
Please understand that once upon a time people got paid a normal wage and tips were “extra” revenue. Today, employers take advantage and in some type of jobs employees depend on tips because their pay is very minimal. Employers practically guarantee that they can live off the tips. One such trade is waiters/waitresses and if you have noticed that many times the gratuities are automatically added to the bottom line of the bill. I was shocked to find out that they do not earn a wage or salary from the restaurant but are hired for tips only.
Mods – this is a double thread.
Obviously you have to make an initial phone call, but you should do your best to get an appointment for a personal interview. Once a shadchan has an opportunity to meet with you and see a bit of your personality as well as your overall appearance, it will have more of a lasting impression on them and give them an impetus to set you up.
Did you try craigslist?
BP, that should definitely psych them out!
men
In that case I think the boys should all chip in for the cost of dating as far as the girls are concerned. There is of course the wardrobe, make-up, haircare, etc. The boy can wear the same suit with a different tie and who will know the difference. The girls on the other hand even if they don’t go out with the same guy a second time, still needs different clothes because they don’t want other people to keep seeing them in the same outfits. Girls have a reputation to uphold because of all the yentas around.
I think everyone should stop feeling so sorry for the young men. They have the upper hand these days and have many more opportunities and many more dates than the girls do. Let them do their homework and be creative. Find ways to have a good time without spending a lot of money. And no the girl should not have to chip in or split the bill. Lets stop finding ways for men to stop acting like men. Lets stop finding ways of taking responsibility away from them. Let these young men step up to the plate and prove they are ready, willing and able to get married.
One never knows who their sheliach will be. Everyone has the choice to do what they feel is right for them. Those that are professionals would not be in business if they were not successful and did not have a good track record. So if you choose to go to a professional make sure you do the research necessary to know that they are a good fit for you and their clients are compatible with the type of match you are looking for.
Of course, you should always listen to whatever shidduch comes your way no matter who brings it to you because you never know who Hashem will choose as your sheliach.
For all those who have an aversion to the “apikorsim” who go to college, please stop banging on our doors, ringing our bells, calling our homes and sending us letters for money. After all YOU don’t hold from JEWS going to college! YOU consider us apikorsim! YOU look down on us and therefor have no right to demand, ask or expect anything from us at all.
Furthermore, for those who claim that college is assur especially for girls, how are they supposed to make a parnasah for all their wonderful hubby’s who are sitting and learning and not paying the bills. Just how many “morahs” does a community need? Should a young vabel be a cashier? How many cashiers do kosher groceries need? Should she work in an office? Well how kosher would an office environment be if a college environment is assur? Where exactly should a young wife work and how should she make the money necessary to support her family.
Every Askan I know who’s bell is always pressed and who’s home is always filled with requests for tzedaka have gone to college and worked hard to achieve what he has. And yes they are still talmidei chachamim because they made time in their busy schedules to learn. One of which is a family member of mine whom Rav Pam z”tl handpicked to run a special organization to fulfill his dream. He couldn’t have picked a finer person, a better Ben Torah, a bigger Talmud Chacham or a more generous askan in both $ and actions. And no he wouldn’t be where he is today had he not gone to college.
Lakewood Dude, like with anything else different strokes for different folks. If you don’t want to go there, or it is not right for you don’t go. Why are you looking to find fault with E.Y. or find reasons why others should not go? Lakewood is not for everyone either. Aren’t there Yeshivas in Brooklyn, Montreal, Chicago, California, etc.?
OK, as long as we are being honest here about line cutting. How about when someone asks if they can cut in front of you. Are you ALLOWED to?
Shouldn’t that person have to start at the back of the line and ask every single person in line if he can cut ahead? Because if he only asks you because he knows you and you are in the middle of the line, how can you possibly be giving permission for everyone behind you? And if you don’t get permission from everyone behind you, you are making them wait longer, etc. So for any instance, whether it is standing at the washing station at a simcha or in the lunchroom or waiting on a grocery line, isn’t then just as wrong to allow someone to cut ahead of you?
Frumlady & PY, please lets not discuss that case here. Yes we have differing opinions and they are most probably very fierce on both sides. Are WE entitled to opinions? How much do we really know? WE really do not have the facts and we never will. The information we were able to get was devastating and no child deserves to go through what this child went through. The fact that she had another child after that incident proves nothing about her mental status nor her ability to parent or mother children. Those that defend her and say it was the hospital at fault, do not have any information other than the charedi community complaining about the hospital. They are there WE are here. We don’t know the woman, we don’t know the hospital staff involved. We just know the conclusions WE each individually have realized. Is there something wrong with her or is the hospital covering something up on their part? Only the parties involved and Hashem know the truth.
Health, I agree with you, and since no one has stated the statistics of unfortunate outcomes of homebirths this has been a one-sided discussion which obviously does not give all the true facts.
As far as epidurals are concerned, obviously there are risks with any procedure but they have been greatly improved since the 1980’s. In addition YOU can choose NOT to have an epidural. YOU can choose to have your child completely without any drugs at all. That is your CHOICE as the patient and the mother. WE did it way back when, it was called Lamaze. We used breathing techniques to help us through the labor pains. Others used hypnosis.
The point is that YOU should be in control of how you choose to deliver your baby. But that has to be an educated choice with consideration of the advice the doctor you CHOSE and supposedly trust has given you. If you prefer not to use drugs CHOOSE a doctor who has the same mindset and methodology as you. Don’t go with one doctor and then complain about his normal procedures. It is up to you to do your research when choosing a doctor in the first place. Discuss everything before you get to the end of your pregnancy and make sure that you and your doctor are on the same page.
Mevakesh1, I hear your pain, but you haven’t answered my question. Have you and your husband made an effort towards your brother-in-law?
There might be one of two things going on or both. He might be a very controlling person which is what you are afraid of. Or he might not feel that you have made any effort to be a family with him, just your sister and therefor he is only comfortable with his own family. After all, neither your sister nor he have a relationship with her parents so that is already one step removed, and if he doesn’t feel that you and your husband are making him feel warm and welcome into your very small circle, then don’t expect him to be the one making the effort. He is comfortable among his own and probably wants to give his wife a true sense of family.
Either way the question is what can YOU do to bring about a different outcome? If he refuses to make time to see you, then it would be up to YOU to make the time and effort to go see them. Maybe when he realizes that you are NOT a threat to his marriage or his other relationships things will slowly change. Maybe your husband can find himself in their neighborhood and stop by for dinner and to see the kids just to test the waters, etc. Usually, the men won’t see the other men in the family as a threat. Hatzlocha.
Cedarhurst, Yes, if you don’t tell the people behind you that you are holding the space for your mom who is coming with a load of groceries it is wrong. IF you do tell then it is the same as standing there with the loaded wagon, and the other person can choose whether to wait behind you or go on another line. Obviously if your mom does not come back when it is your turn, people behind you will go first but you will have to continue to say that you are holding the space for your own wagon full of groceries.
In that way you are not being gezeilus daas. You are not fooling or cheating anyone.
Interesting question. It is probably OK, if you let the people behind you know that you are expecting a wagon full of food. People choose lines according to what they think will be faster, whoever has less items in their wagon. So by telling the person behind you that your mom is coming with a large wagon you are warning them ahead of time.
Since the guys get to date more they should pay more. After all they are not the ones sitting at home waiting for the phone to ring, right???????? Should the girls also have to pay for that privilege. Oh please, we already had this conversation on another thread.
I think one should always stay within their means. If you show off on the first date, you will be expected to keep up. Don’t be cheap and don’t be extravagant. Do something decent. Young men usually do not take a girl out to dinner on a first date exactly for that reason, that it could become very expensive. So if you can’t afford to do it each time, think of something fun or interesting you can do on a first date that is not expensive but does not make you look like you are stingy.
BTW, girls also feel bad when boys spend a lot of money on a first date and then they turn them down for a second. So I would suggest you keep it fun and not extravagant.
The dating question is different for divorce than it is for the loss of a spouse, obviously but still one really needs to take a din v’chesbon of the situation and understand what they are doing.
As SJS said, are the children prepared for this next step? This is a very important question, and NO you don’t have a right to get on with your life UNTIL you make sure your children are ready. They did not have a say in your decision to divorce and they are not at fault with what went wrong in your marriage. But THEY are your first priority and your first obligation so make sure they are stable and secure before you go and bring a stranger into their lives.
Secondly, understand why you are considering dating. Are YOU really ready for this next step whether it is 6 months down the line or whenever? Are you doing this for YOU or are you doing this to get back at your EX? That is also an important question. If you are truly ready to find someone to share your life with and move on and the kids are ok with it, go ahead. If you are doing it for the wrong reasons you are going to wind up hurting others and hurting yourself in the process.
I believe that at a kosher shiur I attended with a lecturer from one of the big agencies, he mentioned that kashrus agencies rely on each other for certain basic ingredients such as flour, sugar, salt, spices, etc. Each organization does not have to supervise the production of each ingredient. As long as each ingredient used in the production of the products they supervise has a good hechsher IF it needs one, then its fine.
The companies under supervision must list all their products and submit them to the supervising agency for approval. I believe that by means of their contract, they are not allowed to switch ingredients without approval of the supervising agency.
The reason we find out that things are mislabeled or that things are no longer under a certain supervision, can be attributed to the fact that the agencies are doing their job and inspecting, investigating and supervising. In some cases it is just a matter of shopping for the best price a company can get for supervision.
smartcookie, l’chatchilah a wife becomes nidah very soon into hard labor or if she sees the mucus plug earlier. B’deved a husband of course is allowed to do what is necessary. However, WE don’t count on doing things that we are not allowed to do l’chatchilah. So we have to take that into consideration and because anything can happen and because frum people do not invite a crowd in at birth, as I mentioned before l’havdil to the goyim, you have to take into consideration that the midwife will need the help of the husband. Since we do have to take all issues into consideration and plan for all events, we have to take that into consideration as well and not just say, “well in the case of an emergency, we can ignore the fact that the wife is nidah”. You can’t, that fact is always a given. Even so much as “hold the baby while i cut the cord”. Is that mutar if the baby is still connected to the mother? Yes of course, in an emergency situation everything is mutar, but to plan it that way???????????
We can all say how this is nice or that would be nice, but WE can’t give a couple a heter to do that. If a couple is planning to have a homebirth with a midwife they had better also discuss it with their Rav so they know exactly what is mutar and not and how to be prepared for all occurrences. Hatzlocha to all whichever choice they make.
There is a nice boat ride in Bayside the Island Queen Cruise.
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election results
I have two nieces who are nurses and I young woman who is like my daughter. It is very difficult at this point to get hospital jobs in the NYC area, especially if you are frum because you can’t ask for specific hours if you can get your foot in the door at all. There are so many experienced nurses out of work because of the closing of so many hospitals that they won’t even interview you if you don’t have at least 2 years of hospital experience. The only real openings will be night shift if you are lucky enough to have pull to get in.
On the other hand, there are home care jobs available as well as doctors’ offices. If you are looking for high pay and benefits that the hospital would offer, these days are not good ones for nurses.
Sac, I apologize but obviously I “didn’t know your story” because you explained it later on. I only thought I understood your story from what you inferred being the only one giving in and making concessions. The problem with a situation such as yours IMHO, is that some shadchanim do not listen to their clients (and I am not talking about professional per se, just those who are dabbling or trying) and match you up with who THEY think will be perfect for you. Unfortunately they put two people into really difficult situations. Because although their personalities might match, their looks and height might match, and even their values might match, if their hopes and dreams are not on the same path what is the point. If someone is really looking for a learning boy and you set her up with a working boy and vice a versa, what is the point?
Two young people will like each other and start having feelings for each other only to realize that it can’t possibly work out because in their heart of hearts, one of them will have to give up their dream or the life they really wanted to live. How is this shadchan helping either of them? Both are very nice ehrlich individuals, you can’t say anything bad about either and yet, as much as they have in common the difference between them is as wide as an ocean.
Now the shadchan may say, so what? What’s the big deal, they should compromise. But it is not the shadchan’s life that we are talking about. It is not the shadchan that has to compromise about learning or working or who will be working. That is a huge compromise and a huge decision to make. THAT is a deal breaker and that is something that the shadchan should have known beforehand. Parents need to know this as well and need to discuss with their children whether this is a deal breaker or not. It is not fair to say “Yes” and then wait for one side or the other to give in on such a major issue.
Compromises can be worked out on whether you live in BP, Flatbush or elsewhere. Compromises can be worked out on a 1 bedroom or 2 bedroom apartment or whether they need a car the first year or not. Compromises can be worked out on many different issues. But when it comes to the basic lifestyle of how you want to live your life, that is really not up for negotiations.
Again Sac, I apologize, one is not selfish or spoiled when it comes to this issue or one similar to it. If you compromise on the basic foundation of marriage it will only lead to disaster. Hatzlocha to you and to him as well. You will both find the one that will complete you.
I believe you are allowed to sing in your own home without worrying who is listening outside. That would be a d’eved on their part. At any rate YOU are allowed to sing, the onus is on men who are not allowed to listen to you. So if they don’t come knocking on your door asking to come in and listen to you then there should not be a problem. If they don’t put their ears to the floor to hear you more clearly that should not be a problem either. Whatever they do hear is distorted and filtered through the floors, walls, insulation, etc.
Ask your Rav for peace of mind and then enjoy yourself. May your tefilos reach Hashem through your voice in song.
I can tell you this. “once a liar always a liar”. Be wary, don’t get involved with liars. The more they lie the easier it gets.
Its a beautiful idea but the baby deserves the best care and a pediatrician is not sitting in the home with you waiting for you to deliver. The best thing for the baby is to have a staff of medical professionals at its beck and call and of course that goes for the mother as well. You never know what can happen at birth. Any type of complication can arise and for frum women the husband cannot assist and frum women do not have a score of mothers, mothers-in-law, sisters, friends, etc. along for the ride, in the home and in the room for the event!
So although the thought of it sounds more peaceful and calm, it won’t turn out to be that way if there is a problem.
Whether marriage is legal or illegal is off the topic. However, a religious marriage can never be illegal. What I think you are trying to say is that it is NOT recognized in the secular world. So if you ONLY have a religious marriage and do not get a marriage certificate you are not recognized as a married couple for any legal reasons such as insurance, next of kin, medical decisions, etc.
Rav Moshe z”tl was very adamant about getting a marriage certificate and he himself took care of mailing it in. He was our mesader kiddushin, and he would not shtel a chupah without it.
RB, it has nothing to do with being litvish, chasidish, mo, or anything. Alcohol is poison for minor children and for adults who have a tendency for the disease. Until a “body and brain” is fully matured alcohol is a very dangerous drug and it can affect the development of the child even to the point of being lethal. It is not something to be taken lightly nor to joke around about. It wasn’t funny in our neighborhood (and I am sure in others) when Dr. “W” was called in b’shtika Friday night because the other kids involved didn’t want a whole blow up, but they did have the common sense to at least run to his house and get him, when these young kids of 15 and 16 went back to shul for ONEG and got themselves drunk. One passed out and could not be revived. They realized that something was seriously wrong with him so they ran to Dr. W, who when he got there immediately called other members of Hatzolah and transported him high level emergency to the hospital. The child was diagnosed with alcohol poisoning which began shutting down his organs. Had the kids just left him there to “sleep it off” he would have been dead within a few hours.
It was such an eye opener that the shuls here went dry, grape juice only. WE rarely have wine at kidushim in shul. That is how seriously WE are taking it.
I can’t force anyone to understand what I am saying. You are going to choose to believe what you want to believe. I can tell you stories one after another, how I got called because a 15 year old was throwing up after consuming beer and mashke and he told his friends to call me because he was afraid to call is own parents. When I got there I had no choice but to call Hatzolah and have them call his father. They spent the night in the emergency room. It is a problem across the board whether they are rebellious kids or not as in the story with Dr. W. When you introduce alcohol to kids at any age YOU can never know how it will effect them. Will they enjoy the buzz, will they like the burn. Will they want more. Will their friends egg them on. Will they discuss it with their friends. Will they listen to their parents, will they sneak it behind their backs. Will they go from house to house when there is a shalom zachor and help themselves.
If you tell them that it is against the law and they are not allowed till a certain age, just like driving and other things that come with age, then they have to learn to deal with it. And you still pray that they will listen. If you tell them that it is dangerous for them because their bodies are still developing and it can have a serious effect on them, that is even better. Give them the facts and let them know the truth. But don’t be hypocritical. Be a good role mode.
RB, there is nothing more I can say. Again you didn’t relate what your father the Hatzolah member has to say about all this. I know what Hatzola’s view as an organization is on this subject. I would like to know what your father says their view is.
Wolf, anyone who likes to drink or likes to argue will say anything here to make people believe they are right. The post begins with what we think of Rebbeim giving kids mashke at a tish, and then it turns into a major discussion about minors and drinking. Unless you have seen the problems in action you are just NOT going to believe it is a problem. That is true for many of today’s issues, unless it affects you it doesn’t exist for too many!
RB, I obviously don’t know who you are and don’t know who your father is. Maybe you can google some articles on the subject written by Dr. Moshe Werzberger who is also a Hatzola member.
Frumgirl, if you are asking whether you are “allowed” to do something then you are not asking the right people. That you should ask from your own RAV and not a group of people who will basically give you mixed opinions and mixed views. If you are looking for opinions you have come to the right place.
I would definitely save them for the future and not use them while dating.
Do you ever speak to your brother-in-law? Does your husband or is it just a relationship with your sister?