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TBT, you are 100% right. People should concentrate more on what Hashem has in mind for them than what their friends’ opinions are. That is why shidduchim should be private and you shouldn’t discuss your dates with your friends. Yenta’s will have a rude awakening when they give their din v’chesbon nuch 120!
Hey the B11 hasn’t changed since I was a kid, wadya know!
Why not? Are they not entitled to happiness like everyone else? Who said they should be alone for the rest of their lives?
When you are talking about older men and older women it is not an issue. But when you are talking 18, & 19 year old girls and older guys it is an issue. I know of these glick shidduchim who made it as far as 3 weeks before the wedding when both parties realized they had nothing in common and called it off. So we can all pull something out of our memories whether it worked on not, but it is not a good idea to begin with.
When you are talking about girls in their upper 20’s and boys in their 30’s they are both on a different level already and in a different maturity phase and life experience phase and age shouldn’t make that much of a difference at that point.
Some people habitually lie. The first lie is always the hardest but once you get past it and you go for the next and keep going without guilt, it becomes a habit and you just lie about everything. Once a liar always a liar. They will lie about how much sugar is in a recipe, how much time it took to drive somewhere, how much something cost, how much they ate, how old they are. It doesn’t matter the subject, they wouldn’t know the truth if it stared them in the face.
tro11, sorry I disagree, she obviously was shocked and upset and needed to vent about it but not to anyone she knew and anyone who might know him. If he does read this blog then let him learn from his mistake and it was a huge one if HE takes dating seriously. He did NOT plan a nice date, it seems he didn’t plan anything at all but flew by the seat of his pants. It almost seems like someone forced him into the date and he was trying to show her that he didn’t care about it. If that is not the impression he wanted to relay then he should know he did everything wrong and needs to use a different approach at the next opportunity.
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every
The point of getting Married is to find their other half, to be complete. Who says their missing half is everything that they want. Maybe they should be looking for what is truly missing in themselves that would complete them? Maybe they should be looking for what Hashem has in mind for them and not for the fantasy date or shtusim that they think they deserve? Are they so perfect that they think they are deserving of the perfect mate? Maybe these guys should take a reality check and ask ten other people not necessarily guys, maybe sisters and cousins to rate them and see if they come out a perfect 10. When they find their bashert it will be perfect for both of them but neither of them on their own are perfect. No one is perfect on their own. When are people going to realize that?
I know of a guy who is close to 35 now. He literally wanted an anorexic girl, not too short but not tall because he is short. He is still looking for his perfect girl but I think people have given up on him and stopped calling him. No matter who they brought him she was still not the perfect girl he had in mind. The girls got married one after the other but he is still looking for his dream girl at 35! Need I say more?
This “job” is not for everyone and it is not fair for anyone to impose on you. This is a voluntary situation for those who CAN do it. My husband and I have had 11 kids at some point or other stay at our home for various amounts of time in the 15 years that we live in our current home. Some we really parented and some were just part timers that just basically were drifters or just needed a place to be for a short period of time. You have to be at the right place in your life and your children’s lives to be able to do this. You can’t just “want” to do this, your family and home setup has to be right.
Like you can’t take in a girl if you have a bunch of boys and vice a versa. You can’t take in a kid if you barely have enough time to devote to your own kids. And you can’t take in a kid if you are not a full time mom and homemaker because you just can’t be there for that kid the way they need you to be. These kids need a Co-parent. They are in need of something their own parents can’t provide for them. And if your home is not set up to do that then you are not in a place in your life where you are ready to take on this challenge. It is not a matter of room and board, it is a matter of bringing a child into your heart and soul. It means you are going get hurt at times and you are going to have tremendous nachas. There will be ups and downs and you will worry, laugh and cry just like with your own kids. They need love and attention and it is not fair to take that away from your own kids when they are little because this young person is so needy even if they claim they aren’t and they appear to be so tough and untouchable.
So you need to know what your family dynamic is. You need to know if your spouse is on the same page as you. You need to know if your family is willing to do this along side of you and put in the effort to give this child the time, attention, love and support that this child needs and understand that you are doing this as a family and that means mommy and tatty will have to pay attention to that child even if it means it will take some of their time and attention away from them. If you are all in agreement and they understand that this child is coming in for help to be a better person and that no matter what they do and say they are doing so because they are hurting inside and that WE are here to teach and not learn bad habits from them, then it might be something to consider.
If you do get involved, you are going to have to take baby steps to get to know her and not smother her. She won’t trust you at first and it will take time to build a relationship and some time before she opens up and starts talking to you. I hope this helped in some way. Hatzlocha.
I think it is nuts that older guys are still looking for 18 and 19 year old girls or girls who just got back from seminary. They have absolutely nothing in common. It shows a lack of maturity in those boys if they need someone that young. AND young girls are 100 percent discouraged from going out with someone more than 3 years their senior. Again for the same reasons, they are on a different wave length and they have nothing in common with them.
At that stage of life, every year makes a big difference in maturity and life experience. A 26 year old guy is not the same as a 22 year old or even a 23 year old. So for reference sake you should know that an 18 year old girl is no where near the maturity level of a 23 year old. So a 26 year old guy should be looking in the pool of 23 year old girls and leave the 18 year old kids to the 21 -23 year old guys.
I know some professional women who since they already work choose to continue to work under their maiden name and not go through the hassel of changing their licenses to their married name, however they did take on their husbands last name officially.
I have a hard time saying “NO”. My doctors want me to work on that (for years now).
You can delete your facebook account in a second if you choose to. Can you say the same with smoking?
There is another variable to this equation and that is the stupid questions mothers ask and the nonsense and standards they keep in looking for a shidduch for their sons. By the time boys take over the process of looking for a shidduch for themselves they are already in the “older” category. Boys have certain criteria and then their mothers add to that. They really don’t have any normal mashpia telling them to look for a wife and not a fantasy, or look for their zivig and not the ideal that they have created on their lists.
I have said it many times. Take a walk on your main street and see what a sense of humor Hashem has. You would never think of matching up the happy couples Hashem has put together. Throw away your lists and start thinking seriously about what Hashem has in mind for you. An inch or two here or there should not make such a difference. A year or two here of there should not make such a difference. When you are a year or two or more into the dating scene you have to think hard about what is truly important.
You do realize that Calvin Klein is also a designer???
The point is when you buy a better product that is made with better fabric and better care you are buying something that you plan to wear for a long time. Many people buy staples for their wardrobe and they don’t mind paying the extra bucks for something that will last a long time. An Italian designer who makes his clothes in Italy makes a quality product that you won’t get from a designer that makes his clothes in China. There just is no comparison.
However, someone your age should not be concerned about it because you are not thinking of buy a classic suit that you will wear for the next 10 years. It is not your mindset and it is not in your budget. You are not in that madreigah neighter mentally or financially so it is not something that should worry you. As a matter of fact, everyone should keep all their purchases whether clothing, cars or homes within their own means and own budgets and stop following the trends and keeping up with what others do. No one knows what goes on behind the other’s closed doors. No one knows what goes on in someone else’s bank books and to try to race them or keep pace with them is stupid.
Do what is comfortable for you, be your own stylist, wear what suits your budget and suits your personality and if you find some designer piece at a good price or even second hand and you really like it, go for it. Give it a second chance to shine with a new owner.
Yup, I am always in second generation survivor mode.
Keep their names alive so they will always be remembered.
Most Edited – Aries
willi, reference to you being married before i think was to point out that this wasn’t a very young bochur who should have known better.
NO, I don’t think it is proper to take a train late at night even if HE likes to. If he likes to ride the train he should amuse himself at any other time, not when he is on his first date with an experienced woman. Secondly, if he takes you all the way to the city he should have at least taken you for desert and offered you a little more than a bottle of water. “Can I get you a drink? Soda, juice, water, etc?” It is awfully strange to offer someone just water. Taking it home with him is equally strange unless he asks you, would you like to take that for the train ride home.
And again, a train ride if agreed upon would be OK for a day date but not for a night time date. In addition, as someone else mentioned, it is not mentchlich to not pick you up before the date nor walk you home after. This is quite selfish and shows he was only thinking about his own convenience the entire night. I don’t think it has anything to do with being poor. Cheap and stingy is more like it. Poor people still have manners.
If you are friends and you eat in their house you would have a hard time convincing them that they can’t bring something into your house. The only thing you can say is “when I come to you I will let YOU do all the cooking, and when YOU come to ME let me do all the cooking. But honestly if you trust her when you eat by her, it makes no sense that you shouldn’t trust her when she brings things to you. It really should be either or.
If you are looking for Chayas is Sister “Bear” automatically accepted? As an Aries (Ram) am I in?
I don’t like to see men in OUR salon. My manicurist knows not to seat any man near me. I personally feel that there are enough nail salons around that if men in our neighborhood want to, they should drive an extra 20 minutes to the next town.
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As a mother I believe that by the third or fourth date you should check the numbers and not continue until you have the results. There is no point in getting your feelings and emotions involved only to get bad news and have to break up.
I also don’t believe you should check before you go out, that is just foolish. Because the odds are in your favor, so making yourself nuts for every shidduch would be pointless.
ItsJustMyOpinion, I don’t think you should start off on a first date bearing your soul especially if you don’t know whether or not there will be a second or third. As I said this is also the opinion of most Rabbonim. It is not lying unless you don’t tell at all before things become serious. Once you see that there is a possibility with the other person, you have to start being serious and letting the other person know about you.
I think people don’t truly understand the meaning of the words being “your brother’s keeper” or “kol yisroel areivim zeh l’zeh”. It doesn’t mean we are supposed to stick our noses into others business and pry, it means we are supposed to help when needed and be concerned about each other. But it has turned into prying and “HAVING” to know everyone’s business which is absolutely the opposite of being anov and eidel.
The only way to stop others from doing so is NOT to give them information, NOT to listen to L”H, and NOT to give them anything to talk about.
Seriously, keep the office door locked, and buzz them in as necessary. It will teach them that the office is not a hang out and that it is a private area for business only. When kids think that the office is THEIR lounge they tend to take liberties. When YOU show them that it is indeed a business office they will get the message.
Whatever you do, do a healthy diet and exercise plan. If you go on a fad diet and lose too much too soon you will be losing water and muscle and not fat. Then when you start our normal eating habits again you will gain it all back plus.
So the best thing to do is learn how to eat healthy and change your eating habits to normal healthy eating that you can maintain for life. Eat healthy and exercise and even though you will only lose a pound or two a week, you will be losing “fat” pounds which will stay off, and even if you don’t lose much you will be gaining muscle which will aid in burning fat so you will “SEE” results even if it doesn’t show on the scale. Work with a doctor or nutritionist who will explain to you how many calories you should be taking in and how many you should be burning up. In a addition they will teach you how to read the labels and what to watch out for. Calories and fat grams are not the only things to look out for.
Eclipse, do you think they take the deleted posts and hang them on the wall in the lounge???? i’m wondering….
nachas, that was my first good laugh of the morning. Thank you!
Yup, you got us all to jump into the pool!
woman
I’m still waiting to see the “vort” brought down where it says you can’t!
Just because people have an alias here, we still know they are real people and Jewish people with real souls who hurt if we insult them. So when we speak L”H about someone here on the CR it really is L”H and when we are rude to someone here it is absolutely wrong. We don’t know the person’s real name and we might not know what they look like or who they really are but we certainly do know them, we chat with them on a daily basis. So yes I believe it is L”H and we do have to be accountable for it.
You are right, step parents are NOT necessarily witches, but not every step parent is prepared to take on the responsibility of someone else’s kids, nor do they always treat ALL the kids the same, mine and yours. Honestly YOU are very lucky. Your family is not the norm and your parents are really great parents. If only every parent was that smart, seriously I am not kidding. I have dealt with some very unfortunate kids and their parents.
It is wrong to force your own opinion on someone else. To each his/her own. The obligation of a husband is to be m’pharnes his family. The obligation of a mother is to raise her children. If you choose to do otherwise that is a choice that you make to accommodate a lifestyle you choose to live. But for someone to tell another person they are wrong to want to live the lives they are obligated to live is ridiculous.
bjjkid, you are very lucky that you came out of a divorce and a remarriage/blended family OK. Halevai others were as lucky as you. Unfortunately not ALL parents care what is “BEST” for the kids and only care what is “BEST” for them. Their reasoning being “Aren’t I entitled to be happy?” Sure you are but only after you make sure your kids are happy and healthy. And that takes a lot of love and healing. Kids need to feel safe and secure before you make any further steps in your own life. Obviously your parents and step-parents were very considerate of you and your siblings best interests. And that is a lesson many of today’s parents can learn from them.
Just one more thing. Even though young children may not be old enough to know what’s best for them or old enough to have a say THEY SHOULD ALWAYS BE TAKEN INTO THE CHESBON!
The best thing to do is go with a tour. There is no possible way for you to get to ALL the choshuv places safely without getting lost or wasting your time.
You can look up Artzeinu Tours who is very good.
Rabbi Simcha Hochbaum at the Hebron Fund gives the best tour of Chevron, Kever Rochel, Maaras Hamachpelah.
One Israel Fund/Yesha takes you places on one else takes you, but not kevorim.
Look up Gershon Kaufman who I believe still does Kevorim tours. Ask friends and family. Ask these tour guides if there is a special kever you want to go to, they might be able to hook you up.
You didn’t mention how old your sister is. She should get an education no matter what. She should however think of what she could do in a part time situation that she could work around her family and not work her family around. That way she can help her husband with parnasah if she needs to, and she should date boys who know they will be responsible to make the parnasah for the family. So even if they are still learning, as long as they have a plan or are also in college the two of them will be on the same page even if he isn’t currently working.
Sometimes we have to realize that people say stupid things. That doesn’t necessarily mean they are stupid they just say stupid things. What can you do, don’t take it personally, just laugh at the stupidity of the comments.
That does not sound like a good idea. I believe that you shouldn’t even discuss your dates with your friends let alone introduce your friends to your potential mate until after you are engaged. Double dating will only give the other girl or boy opportunity to compare the two of you for pros and cons. This is never a good idea. After you are engaged or married the commitment is in place, but before that where things are still up in the air, I would say it is risky business.
memo, Rabbonim say that if someone has an illness they shouldn’t say right away, only let the other person know after a few dates when they have a sense of who you are and you have a sense if they can handle the information. Of course if you have a serious illness, it wouldn’t be fair to the other person not to disclose it to the shadchan and to work with a Rav and a shadchan who know how to find the right shiduch for you.
In addition, in many cases if you have a past history and you have turned your life around, many Rabbonim say that you don’t have to disclose this either until you get to know the other person a little so they judge you on who you are today and not who you were when you were much younger. If your past was not revealed when the investigated you, then waiting a few dates according to the Rabbonim will not make a difference. Some Rabbonim according to another thread hold that you don’t have to disclose this information at all. I disagree because when your spouse finds out after marriage, or your chosson or Kallah find out after engagement, it can bring about disastrous results.
shev143, ahhhh so now it is obvious that tmb must be single!
TMB, why not start the FREE JEWISH LEGAL AID SOCIETY since you can afford it and while your at it you can also start the TUITION G”MACH, MORTGAGE G’MACH, a few local FOOD PANTRIES, FREE CAR SERVICE for KOLLEL COUPLES, etc. If you do, maybe more mothers could stay home and raise their own kids.
If my hubby gets a bottle that we don’t finish, we lock it in a dining room cabinet where our help doesn’t know about.
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Oomis, a newly single person might want to jump back into the pool right away, but the people they are looking to date would be very wary to jump in with them. It is a very scary prospect because no matter how great the newly single person is, one always has to wonder who is telling the truth and what really ruined the marriage. So I believe people really do expect that newly single people do wait a respectable amount of time before jumping in again. THEY don’t want ghosts being brought into THEIR new relationships. That’s all i’m saying.
Newly single people know how badly they were burnt and how their children are hurting. That is the unknown factor for their prospective dates. If it was your child being redt to a newly single person what would you advise them to do?
ItsJustMyOpinion, witholding information is not exactly the same as lying. It is ok to give information slowly as you get to know someone and feel you can trust them, that is what most Rabbonim will tell you. However, lying about something and then being found out is something entirely different.
Question, what does it say about a person who jumps into the dating pool immediately after a divorce? Just asking. Who would really want to go out with someone who’s ink isn’t even dry yet on the papers? Wouldn’t you be wary of someone who jumped in immediately?
Men seem to miss out on the social skills, the normal things a woman teaches them. The manners, the niceties, the taming of rough edges. There are many Rabbonim who lecture about this. I have heard them say, “I send the guy out on a date and when he comes back he is so confused that the woman doesn’t want to go out again. So I ask about the date and what I hear is geferluch. He has no social skills. He doesn’t know how to talk to a woman. He doesn’t know how to listen and take an interest in what she has to say. He doesn’t know how to ask questions or be interested in her life, etc.” So I had to start from square one and coach him how to handle a date.”
You can see this when you have single men for Shabbos meals. They tell the off colored jokes forgetting that they are sitting in mixed company. Their conversations revolve only about their own lives and problems and they take very little interest in whomever else is sitting at the table.
I am not talking about anyone in particular, this is a general perception about men who have never been married.