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Because you seem to understand me.
support system
Eclipse, please don’t leave you keep me sane.
It must be your cold and my bronchitis. Lets get better on all counts.
Eclipse, the only problem with allowing the other party to vent a minute or two is that if you are doing that all day, you feel like a shmatta after an hour or two of work and you don’t want to continue. A person needs to either have the patience of a malach or learn some helpful tools to take control of these bad situations.
OK, I will be. When did I say or assume that fear of marriage causes a general sadness and lacking faith? You don’t have to be down in every area of your life. But we are required to be b’simcha in ALL areas of our life and we are required to reach the top madreigos that we can in all areas.
So can’t I give a Bracha and have faith that each of you and others in your situations will find true happiness and fulfillment in the future?
The best way to handle rude callers is to tell them “if you need a few minutes to calm down I can put you on hold and get back to you”. No one wants to be put on hold so that should stop them in their tracks. Once they stop talking you can say, “please don’t raise your voice at me. If you can calmly tell me what your issue is, I will understand you better and help figure out how to help you or to whom I should forward this call.
Fortunately I have learned that I AM NOT a super human and I have learnt (took a long time) to take off my cape and stop rescuing everyone. I never want to go back there again, thank you very much.
To both Eclipse & Health, What I said is not specific to only one of you. I have said this before to Eclipse and although this time I addressed it to you, Health, you will each at the right time, find someone who will complete you and heal you. That person will make you feel like you are royalty and will make you both feel like the important people you truly are.
We can’t control other people we can only control ourselves and make the best choices we can for ourselves. We can also choose to be the best role models we can be for our children and pray that they see the sincerity and honesty in what we do. However, if they see that we do what we do and are still unhappy and miserable, what message are we sending them? A yid darf zein b’simcha. We must do what we can to move forward and be oved Hashem b’simcha. We must do what we can to put the past behind us, live in the present and build a better future.
And no its not easy, not for you and not for me, but we keep on trying every morning when we thank Hashem for another day and another opportunity. We have no idea why we had to have our nisyonos. We also have no idea what else Hashem has in store for us. So maybe the biggest nisayon is to “keep the faith” strengthen our bitachon and emunah and know that Hashem loves us.
Bottom line as always is to USE COMMON SENSE!
I agree that a couple needs to get to know each other before the chasanah and more so they need to feel comfortable with each other. The excitement of getting engaged can fade and doubts can start playing havoc with the brain. As a couple get to know each other and start building a relationship together they get a better sense of security in their decision and better prepared for their marriage together.
eclipse, venting is good for the soul. It is like releasing the venom that poisons the body and makes you ill. Spit it out and get rid of it, better to dump the baggage than drag it around with you forever.
There are a variety of camps to choose from. Depending on age and need, find out where his friends from Yeshiva and Shul are going and what his yeshiva recommends. It is important that he go with someone he knows especially if he is not starting out in the lower bunks.
Once you have made your decision make sure you have a serious and honest discussion with your child about his own personal safety and not allowing anyone (even in a teasing fashion) to touch him inappropriately. This can happen from counselors, swim instructors, other boys all the way up to Rebbeim and Administration. Make sure you explain what his own daled amos are and how no one is allowed to invade his own space and if he feels uncomfortable in any way he should call you to discuss it with you no matter what. Never keep secrets from you. Also keep in mind that nurses are mandatory reporters so if there is ever a problem the nurse is the first area of protection.
Obviously this discussion needs to take place with children whether they go to sleep away camp or not. AND please understand that I am not making these statements to change this thread to a discussion on molestation, I am not and I don’t want to discuss the issue here. I just want to make a first time camp parent aware of what is necessary and important along with looking for the best possible “fit” for his/her child.
Health, no I don’t think you should give up on marriage. I think that there is someone out there for you who will truly appreciate you and complete you. AND when you allow yourself to heal and trust again and look for that person you will find her. AND when you do find her, SHE will be your Bracha, your Mazal and will complete you in a way that you will understand what it means to have a true ezer k’negdo and a true partner.
Health, just because there is a reason why you had to go through what you did, that does not mean that Hashem does not have another plan for you, and does not have Happiness meant for you in the future. There is a woman out there who needs YOU, a wonderful man just like you who SHE can appreciate, admire and respect. Maybe a good and better role model for her own family. Maybe just someone who she can look up to and shower with love and devotion. There is an emptiness in your life and there is a woman out there with an emptiness in her life. When the time is right you will find each other and complete each other to become an amazing partnership.
Here is another situation, a young girl I was mentoring was dating a guy and dropped the shadchan too soon and they starting texting. I told her it was a mistake and they were becoming tooooooooo friendly which was taking them down a few madreigas from real courtship to friendship. I told her to be careful because they were getting too comfortable and that would become a problem. In the end it fizzled out because although she viewed him as her future spouse, he wound up viewing her as another “pal”.
This happened to a second young woman I know. Texting during the dating process is destructive to the end result.
Years ago, a group of young girls I was mentoring were going to shiurim from a young Rabbi that was also mentoring these girls. When I found out they were texting each other I strongly suggested that they stop. I very firmly pointed out to these girls that it was inappropriate. That he was a young married man and that it was extremely disrespectful to his WIFE to do so, even if HE himself didn’t realize it. I then encouraged them to choose a different Rabbi that was older than he was because I felt he was too young and inexperienced and would wind up in conflict with his wife. I told the girls that although he had very good intentions that since he was so young, he should mentor boys and not girls.
What’s your point, you don’t understand the difference or are you looking to cook up some trouble here? YOU CHOOSE THE ONE YOU CAN AFFORD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
There are those couples who don’t hold from nigiah, big surprise. And they post their engagement pics on Onlysimchas. You have a problem with this because you have a yetzer hora to go there and look at the pictures and this becomes everyone else’s problem? THEY are wrong because YOU can’t control your yetzer horah to be on the internet and go look at their pictures?
Are we seriously having this discussion? Shouldn’t we be discussing ways to control your yetzer horah instead?
in all honesty everything happens for a reason and no matter what we have all gone through, had we not gone through it, we wouldn’t have the children we have, nor the grandchildren we have. We wouldn’t have the nieces and nephews we have and love and the other family members etc. Some of us live with the ups and downs no matter what, and some of us got out B”H with at least some of our sanity and dignity in tact. Some of us B”H have many more ups than downs, but no matter what, who, how and where Hashem has a plan for all of us and no one knows before hand what that plan will be. We don’t believe in crystal balls and even if we did we don’t have a way to look into the future to know if we are making the right choice or if we have the right information or even if people are telling us the truth. It is truly in Hashem’s hands. We can only do the best we can and when we are at the point of choosing we all feel we have done our best.
The next step is to not take your marriage for granted and not think it will take care of itself. Marriage is a job onto itself and it needs to be worked on every single day by both partners. Even if both of you are the best people in the world, if you don’t nurture and care for your marriage it can falter and fail. And on the flip side, even if your marriage was doomed from the start you can work on it and nurture it to be the best and most loving and warm marriage in the world. It takes love, care and attention.
My husband asked my nephew the chosson a few weeks ago what was the most important thing he learned from his Chosson Rebbe. His reply was the three “A’s” Attention, Appreciation and Affection. No one is a “Navi” and no one can predict whether or not a marriage will work or whether or not you have all the information or the whole truth about your future spouse. On the other hand, you and your future spouse can choose to make your marriage work no matter who you were in the past. It all depends on what you choose to be in the future.
i think that since middos are hereditary…..
What makes you think so? I cannot say that my sister and I are alike in any way, nor my brother either yet we come from the same home and the same parents. And although my mother and her sisters were alike because of their upbringing and life experience (not hereditary) my father and his brother were not alike.
What if you gave your masser money to another young man in your situation who couldn’t afford to date to help him get married, and then he did the same for you. Wouldn’t that be a way of using masser money as a chessed and tzedaka? Is that a possible loophole to this dilemma?
Or better yet, what if you gave your masser money to hachnosos kallah and maybe you will “find” the money you need to date and get married through the kind and generous chessed that you did. Mitzvah goreres mitzvah! And when you give tzedaka it comes back to you in multiples.
It is important for anyone coming into the parsha to sit down and discuss with their parents what they want in a spouse. They should also listen to hear what their parents “want” for them in a spouse and then decide together what to look for.
It is very sad and wastes so much time and energy of the individuals and shadchanim when the parents spend all their energies setting up dates according to their own wants and not according to their child’s wants and needs. Many times they are way separate issues and it doesn’t lead to a happy or successful conclusion. There is no point in going on date after date with prospects that do not meet your needs.
This is just going to be another one of those threads where those who do what they approve of are frum and those who don’t are not according to them. They will never stop judging others while they themselves will not look in the mirror and see what they are doing wrong. What right does one have to judge what others do, when as many of us keep saying if you are so holy and you know that the gedolim and daas torah do not approve of you being on the internet chatting with others, why are you here?
Why is it that what THEY do is wrong because YOUR RAV holds that way, but what YOU do is not wrong because YOU don’t want it to be.
Instead of wasting his money sending post cards to the neighbors to spread loshon hora, he should have gone to his Rav or his Lawyer to find out how he can collect a debt “the right way”. Something does not smell right about his tactics therefore his attempt to spread loshon horah on your neighbor will only work if YOU fall for it.
It would be a whole different situation if he KNEW YOU personally and asked you to do him a favor and speak to your neighbor b’shtika about a private financial matter between them. Since he chose to spread loshon horah he doesn’t seem like the ehrlich type and therefore there might be something not true about the story. It might just be sour grapes on his part or a completely different issue he is trying to get back at her about. in addition, there is always going to be some kind of “loss” in a grocery store. This is not something new and they account for it by building these possibilities into their prices. They also write these off on their taxes.
So as I said earlier the best thing to do in this case is to chuck it and forget it.
Why ask others does it work in your own family? Are you the same as your mother’s brother. My kids are nothing like my brother. As far as OTD is concerned, the best of the best families, the most chashuv of Rabbonim these days are going through the same nisyonos in this area as any other parents who are on different madreigas. Would you use the same formula for judging a girl if she was the daughter of a very chashuv family or Rav even if one of her brothers were currently OTD?
Personally I would say check into the girl and her parents to see who her role models are. Check into her friends to see the crowd she hangs with. That is more important.
Rip it up and throw it out. Then forget it ever happened. Anyone can put in a check for collection when funds become available, if indeed a check bounced. Furthermore, if he knows where YOU live he knows where she lives so he can go knocking on her door or camp out on her lawn. You don’t know anything about the situation between the two, so consider it junk mail and forget about it.
observanteen, like I said before, Rikki has the same right to be RESPECTED for her own choices, needs and beliefs as her brother everyone does, it is not a matter of keeping her distance. When a person understands what their own needs are and how they need to be respected they have a better understanding how to respect others as well. They also have a better sense of self and are stronger when dealing with others. Hatzlocha to all and remember that Hashem is with each of us through good times and bad. He never leaves our side so don’t be afraid to call on him for help, strength and guidance.
observanteen, You have to RESPECT another person’s right to make choices whether you like the choices they make or not. So if HE chooses to be mechalel Shabbos that is HIS choice and it is between HIM and Hashem and they will have to work it out together. He is still Rikki’s brother whether he is shomer shabbos or not. AND her lover for her brother does NOT go away because he has sinned. Guess what? Hashem does NOT stop loving US because we sin!!! He still loves us and still keeps his arms open awaiting for us to return to him betshuva! HE never turns his back on us.
I feel sorry for you that you were not strong enough in your own relationship with Hashem and that your friend was able to confuse you. Honestly, those kids who are in pain and going OTD are not looking to take anyone with them. Those who are already off, will help others in pain. If YOU argue with them or try to prove them wrong they will fight you hard. That is probably where YOU faltered. Not everyone can work with OTD kids because not everyone knows how to reach them. And if you don’t know what to do, you will hurt them more and they will do their best to hurt you back. That is probably what happened to you. That is why those who do not understand the parsha are rarely successful dealing with the parsha.
You have a problem with sinning and you should and you should be very careful not to. However you have no right to judge someone who is going through a nisayon because you have no clue what kind of pain they are in nor why. Did your friend tell you why they were doing what they were doing? Do you know why your friend went OTD? Did she tell you what happened to her that she went “sour”? You have no clue what is going on with Rikki’s brother so please don’t judge him either. And you are not in a position to advise Rikki either. None of us know his story.
No Miri, you don’t have to go out with everyone redt to you, but if you find that you are dating for years and “si geit nisht” (it is not going anywhere) then maybe it is time to take a look at your list of requirements and realize that rarely does anyone get what is on their lists because that is not what Hashem takes into consideration when HE matches people up. Ask anyone you know if they got what they had on their list. Obviously there are things that SHOULD be a deal breaker and those are your values and hashkofos, those are things you should never compromise on. Other things you will realize are not that important in the scheme of life. That’s all I am saying. How important are those things today that were so very important to you when you were 16? Your opinion on certain things will change with age and maturity and certain things will remain the same because they are part and parcel of who you are. Some of the things that will change can and will be who and what you are attracted to as with style and fashion. Some of the things that will not change or will not change much are values and hashkofos because they are really a part of you. They may get stronger and hopefully not weaker but that is really what you are looking to match up on. The other things are more superficial. You are not going to look for someone with blue eyes because you have blue eyes, or someone with brown hair because you are partial to brown hair.
My son swore he would never date a redhead and he actually turned down many shidduchim with redheaded girls. Guess who he married? A beautiful redhead! I told you, Hashem has a very interesting sense of humor! What’s meant to be is just meant to be.
I wish all of you mazal and bracha and that you should all find the right one at the right time!
Mazel tov! May you continue to shep nachas from these couples and the rest of your children.
It must be a mixture of both or can be either or. I am very much a product of both my parents. My sister is totally different than me and my brother is also. I also am very much like my aunt and I am told I am very much like my grandmother. Did I pick up on things my mom and aunts told me about her when I was growing up? That could be, and maybe I learned things from my mother and my aunt.
Sac and Dunno, here is a serious question for both of you. What if Hashem’s plan for you is to marry someone shorter than you. Would you be more comfortable “not” marrying at all or marrying someone shorter? I am serious here, because you are still young and maybe do not understand the seriousness or the difference of finding your bashert or finding Prince Charming. At some point you have to realize that what YOU are looking for might not be who Hashem has in MIND for you. Hashem has a very interesting sense of humor. Just look around and see who he puts together. Although it might seem like it is OUR choice really he has already chosen our zivig for us way before we even gave it a thought.
All I am trying to relay to you is to really consider how much importance you are giving to any one issue. WHY does it make you uncomfortable? Why are YOU hung up on that? WHY should it be such a big deal to you? What is it about this issue that makes it a deal breaker for you? This is really something that you should discuss with someone you truly trust and admire.
I truly believe that in my generation the bulk of tall men married short women (such as my case) and we produced tall daughters and short sons. The bulk of young men in this generation is of average height not tall yet the bulk of young women are above average height, not short. There is no way to control the distribution of the much sought after tall boys. However, if there is a shortage of young men in general and a shortage of tall young men to boot, aren’t you cutting yourselves out of the running if you hold out only for tall men? Aren’t you really limiting yourselves and possibly denying yourselves the opportunity of meeting your true zivig?
I am not trying to annoy you in any way. I am simply trying to impart to you something that you might realize a few years down the line, and something that I don’t want you to HAVE TO realize a few years from now. I would like you both to find your basherts tomorrow and not have to wait one extra minute. So maybe those who are my age and have had more life experience than either of you might know things and see things that you have yet to learn and understand. WE don’t want you to have to learn those lessons. We want you to be happy and fulfilled and we don’t want you to suffer the nisyonos and challenges that others who have been stuck with deal breakers have suffered. Since I don’t know either one of you, I can’t advise you and certainly would never tell you what to do. I am just asking the both of you to discuss this with someone you truly admire and trust to fully understand if you can get over this uncomfortable feeling and see where it is coming from.
It is not a new trend, it has happened this way for many decades. Some couples and families don’t see any reason for couples to date or shlep for a long time. They feel a few dates and their good to go. Some Rabbonim hold that this is fine, some hold that a couple need more time to be sure. Different people have different shitas.
riki, while your brother is going through his nisayon you are going through your own as you have already realized. The pain you feel for him, the confusion you are feeling yourself and the sadness you feel for your parents. There are all kinds of thoughts, feelings and emotions you are going through some of which may run from loyalty to fear. Each member of your household must feel that their lives have been turned upside down. You each want answers and yet there are no answers for you. You each want to know what to do and yet there is nothing for you to do but give your brother unconditional love. You might not approve of what he does and you might not accept his actions but he needs to know that you accept him and love him no matter what.
Having said that, you also need to know that your needs and your feelings are also extremely important. The world does not revolve around your brother’s issues although it might seem like it does at the moment. As a sibling you might be able to reach your brother on a level your parents can’t even penetrate. But first you have to understand who you are. How do YOU need to be respected? What are your values? What is important to you? Plant your feet firmly on the ground and make sure that you take an accounting of who you are and what YOU represent.
Why is this important? Because your brother is still your brother, your flesh and blood no matter what he chooses to do or what his journey may be. You are not in control of that and there is nothing you can do to change that. He has to work through his own issues and he is in control of his own choices. He can choose to get help and bring his issues to the surface. He can choose to trust your parents with whatever is bothering him and trust in their support. Or he can choose to try to handle whatever it is on his own and go down this dark journey.
You have the same power of choice. You can choose to stake your claim and be proud of who you are and what you represent. YOU can choose to tell your brother that YOU love him unconditionally and that you would hope he feels the same about you. Just as he wishes that YOU and everyone else would respect his choices, so too do you have a right to ask him to respect yours. In other words, you have a right to say “if you choose to be mechalel shabbos I have to respect that but by the same token YOU know how important it is to me and the rest of the family, so if you are not doing this to hurt us please RESPECT our choices as well and do so in a way that it is not in our face. Is it really necessary for us to hear your computer or TV? Isn’t it enough that we know that you are not respecting OUR Shabbos; do we have to actually hear you or see you doing it? I will admit that I have no clue what has happened and why you are making these choices at this time. But I will also admit that you are my brother and that is more important to me than the choices you make. Can we just agree to respect each other?”
If that sounds like something you can handle, then go for it. The point is that as a family you have to support each other through good times and bad times. Life is a challenge and sometimes the challenges we face are a lot more than we bargained for. The most important thing right now is to keep your brother safe, but that doesn’t mean that your lives stop or the world stops spinning because he is going down this path. If you can convey your love and support and keep the line of communications open you might be handing him a lifeline. As for your life, why should you worry about going off the derech? This is not a contagious disease!!! For whatever reason your brother is going through this nisayon why do you feel it will effect you the same way? YOU are your own person, and YOU need to believe in what you believe in. If you believe in Hashem and have true bitachon then maybe saying Tehilim for your brother will help YOU and maybe even help him. Having your own private conversations with Hashem will help you to feel more connected to him and less disconnected and “free falling”. Please understand that whatever he is going through he really doesn’t want to take you down with him.
B”H, I am lucky to have my kids & grandkids come visit me in Miami.
Your pediatrician would absolutely have more experience (and have spoken to more Rabbonim, gone to more conferences) to know when and if there is an issue halachacly or otherwise; what to look out for and when to stop. Does anyone here have more experience than a pediatrician?
Maybe the way to teach savlanus is to have savlanus and show it. If you give it some thought do WE as parents, mechanchim, etc. show the salvanus needed to teach it? Do we show other midos and are the best role models we can be in order to teach the midos WE need to teach?
Since your Bashert is already chosen for you, maybe you should pray that YOU should be wealthy and that you AND your zivug will be happy, healthy and successful in the future.
I don’t think it is sheer stupidity or anything other than not giving shorter guys the opportunity to “wow” you with their personality, charm, good looks, good midos, good manners, etc. How would you know that you are uncomfortable if you don’t give a guy a chance? And what makes you think you would NOT be a attracted to someone that is shorter than you JUST because he is shorter than you. Would a not so handsome man who is taller than you but not so up there in all other mailahs be more attractive than a shorter guy will ALL other mailahs? How do you know that you would not rearrange your list of priorities if you met the right man?
More so, how will you ever realize that your priorities are not in the right order if you don’t give these guys a chance?
If WE could only learn this and teach this to others, I am sure will will hasten the coming of Moshiach. Truly we are too harsh on other people and maybe we should be a little harsher on ourselves to keep from judging others. EVEN if you DO know the whole story because you only know what people allow to get out and NOT what goes on behind closed doors.
Sometimes you see someone and you may not know if they are on their way up or on their way down. Maybe she gained a few pounds and the skirt is riding up and it used to be longer or it came back from the cleaners and shrunk and she didn’t realize. These things do happen, do we ever think about it or do we automatically have an evil and bad thought in our mind?
We need to train ourselves to mind our own business and not be “got’s farzorger”. A pleasant smile and a warm greeting for those who go a madreigah further will make a good impression on another person. The more people who make good impressions on someone the more they will want to aspire to move up a madreigah. The more negative stares and comments the more they choose to be in your face.
The reason they probably did both an endoscopy and colonoscopy on the child at the same time was to avoid giving the child the anesthesia twice.
Health, since you are in the medical field, and I don’t mean any disrespect to you, YOU should know that the scariest and most serious part of many surgeries on children IS in fact the anesthesia. Putting children under general anesthesia can be a very dangerous situation. A procedure such as endoscopy or colonoscopy does not use heavy duty anesthesia and therefore the risk factors are heavily reduced. However, we avoid putting any child “to sleep” as much as possible because the outcome CAN turn sour.
The publications who run the ads, etc. give huge discounts to the tzedakas and are lucky if they get paid at all in the end. So don’t even wonder about what was paid for the ads it should never be your daigah, because you never know if someone sponsored the ads, if they got a discount or if the publication donated the ad space.
As for where to donated money. Everyone need to support the mosdos or tzedakas that THEY feel and choose that are most important to them. If it is a hospital, a yeshiva, a bikur cholim. Whatever touches your heart, that is where you contribute the bulk of your tzedaka and where you should consider getting involved. You don’t choose a tzedaka by the size or quality of their ads.
The best way to do it is to get your marriage certificate BEFORE your chasunah. Your mesader kedushin will sign it and mail it in after the chupah. If you neglected to do so, you may go get your marriage certificate by googling “NY marriage certificate” or any state you live in and follow the instructions. It is always easier and faster to get it in the suburbs than in the city. Take it to your Rav with your kesubah and he will handle it for you.
BTW, Rav Moshe Feinstein Z”L was very adamant about getting a marriage certificate before the chupah. He liked to do things by the book.
For those who are truly interested it is currently VERY difficult to get a nursing job in a hospital. There are plenty of jobs in the home care field but it doesn’t have the same salary or advancement as a hospital offers. Of course a home care job offers more flexible hours. Home care will not give you the work you need to continue on for your degrees. Nor will it help you get sponsored for scholarships or financial aid, which hospitals might help you with.
The only problem I can see with men getting involved with nursing is that the pay is capped. So once you hit that cap there is no where else to go to bring in more parnasah. If you are the one who is being depended on for parnasah that pay scale me seem very comfortable as a single person, but as a family man with many mouths to feed and many tuitions to pay, it might not work out down the road.
work ethic
Just as you would say, “my parents cannot afford to buy us furniture” or parents would say “my budget for the chasanah is very minimal, I can’t afford real flowers and would prefer using g’mach fake flowers, etc.” that is the time to say “we can’t afford to buy a diamond ring, we don’t want the Kallah to feel badly so if she wants, we can buy a nice real setting with a CZ stone, or we can buy a very small real stone, etc.”
Did you happen to ask your pediatrician their advice on the subject?
The anesthesia is probably the scariest thing but it is nothing like the heavy forms used in surgery. It is usually some form of valium for adults, so you can figure it being something light like that the baby will wake up from very quickly after the procedure. They will give the child something to drink and crackers/cookies to eat within 10 to 20 minutes after waking up. There is no throat pain afterwords just some grogginess till you sleep off the remainder of the anesthesia.
Daniel, firstly let me say that the tide has turned for many people in this terrible economy. Even those who were on top a year or two ago, are having difficulties meeting their obligations. So that might explain this dilemma for you.
Taking this a step further, let me just remind you that nuch 120, everyone has to give their own din v’chesbon before their maker. All the “illegal” and inappropriate stuff are clearly written on their page and it all has to be accounted for. Please don’t waste your time trying to figure it out, compare your values to theirs, or keep score. Hashem is in charge and believe me, everyone will get what they deserve in the end.