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RB, in addition maybe he had a point by saying it is a bizayon but then maybe his point was to his own kehila about not trying to top each other.
RB, are you yelling at me???? And no I am not arguing with someone I don’t know and not having a conversation with silly boy! I am having a conversation with YOU. It is not MY BUSINESS what this particular Rav’s shita is, no matter how chashuv or not chashuv he claims to be. It is NOT MY BUSINESS how much money he forced his congregants to spend on HIS shul to show off to his neighborhood. It is also NOT MY BUSINESS nor ANYONE else’s HOW MUCH ANYONE spends on PESACH HOTELS, or VACATIONS, or whether they advertise KING beds or buy KING beds.
MY point is that the argument of what people should do with their money can turn in any which direction if you choose to look into every vinkel and corner. Do you get my point? If you want to talk about the wealthy spending money on Pesach hotels while yeshivas close and Rebbeim are not getting paid how can you justify spending $7,000,000 on building a shul? That TOO would pay a lot of tuitions and Rebbeim in that particular neighborhood.
It was Gips, and I think she is doing it in a store front now, not in her basement. Google Brookly Gemachs.
Shalom Bayis does not happen on its own. It is a commitment and each partner needs to be committed to the other. Wandering eyes lack commitment (don’ blame the women, there are goytas out there as well). Childhood issues need to be addressed through therapy and not dragged through a marriage, that lacks commitment to Shalom Bayis. Each spouse needs to be responsible and accountable for their own part and their own commitment to the marriage and Shalom Bayis.
over – worked, burdened, extended, stressed………..
Because they are lazy. Just because we are registered democrats does not mean we VOTE the party line. WE vote with our heads and not with our registration. WE choose who we feel is the best candidate and lately that happens to be the Republicans IMHO.
CS, explained that she dropped him because he was NOT yeshivish at all and not what he was presented to be. Why do you imply that he was redt to her because that is the type of boy she give the impression she is looking for. She said her parents checked him out and the Rebbeim confirmed he was straight it was he himself who confirmed he was playing a game. So why would her parents or she herself consent to the shidduch if they felt he was too frum or yeshivish for her? And how would the shadchan know he was a faker if most everyone around him didn’t know?
Sender, we see the Rav and we recognize him immediately, he is but one. He sees us and he sees many, many people he loves and admires but he doesn’t immediately place the name and the face, the face and the family, etc. Sometimes, unless we have a serious and personal ongoing relationship with our Rav, it is difficult for them to connect the dots on the spot and needs to be reminded who we are and what we are going through. A teacher who teaches 5 periods a day will recognize a student, one out of a possible 150, but might not know his name unless he is sitting in the classroom and the student is sitting in his seat. Out of place and context, it is difficult for a teacher to remember everyone unless he is reminded and might say “I believe you are a student of mine, remind me who you are and what class of mine you are in”.
pba, what exactly is your problem with CS? Your posts are becoming outright rude!
There is an ART to being a good guest as well as being a good host. Each one in turn should practice to perfection.
nfgo3, you don’t need to know anything about her parents to advise her on what is best for her OWN family unit. This is just the beginning of things to come. So it is up to her and her siblings to decide to have peace and harmony in their own homes.
RB, so does that make any sense at all? Yes a makom Kadosh should be beautiful but not when you fall on hard economic times and the people who daven there can’t pay their mortgage, need tzedaka to put food on the table, and the Rebbeim in the Yeshiva are not getting paid. AND if yeshivas are closing down. IS it right to spend $7,000,000 to build a shul? So it should be in the face of other shuls and Rabbonim that their shul is not as grandiose? That too can cause jealousy and a race to be the biggest, grandest, etc.
Where do we stop when we start pointing fingers???
The problem with Shalom Bayis is the lack of personal responsibility and accountability. Stop making excuses like men looking at women in the street, or being abused as a child therefore being abusers. Everyone needs to take responsibility for themselves and being accountable for their own actions. One must understand the purpose of getting marriage, the importance of marriage, and the proper way to conduct a frum marriage. Each partner in the marriage is responsible to do their part to make the marriage work and to make the other one feel loved and respected.
Firstly, I am sorry for your loss. Secondly, life goes on for everyone except for those who experience the loss. For us, we wonder how everyone else just continues on as if nothing happened? People forget very quickly that you have just suffered a loss because of all their own responsibilities and issues. My own good friends keep inviting me out for dinner and a movie and I have to keep reminding them I am in aveilus for my mother and can’t go. This is my own good friends how do you expect a Rabbi or gabbai to keep in mind what may or may not be going on in the heart or mind of a niftar’s grandchild.
On the other hand, if you need to speak to the Rav and tell him that you are still suffering and would love to talk to him about it or about any stories he can relate about your grandparents I am sure that he would gladly oblige and be there for you. A Rav’s day, week, months are filled with obligations happy and sad not only to his own kehilah but to the community in general. That is a huge burden on one’s shoulders. Please do not hold this against him, just ask for some of his time and I am sure he will make the time you need.
It is your obligation to invite both parents. Having said that you must tell both parents that you are inviting both to the party and it is in the children’s best interest that they both come and behave themselves. IF THEY feel that they can’t do that then they should decide to take turns and choose which one will come to this simcha and which one will take the next turn to come to the next one because you will keep telling your children to invite both their grandparents always and to love ALL their grandparents the same.
Let them each know that it is not YOUR job to be the referee between them and you have no intention of being pulled into their nonsense. Just as you teach your children to stay out of it, you are choosing to stay out of it as well. It is THEIR problem not yours. YOUR issue and obligation is to keep shalom bayis and peace in YOUR family and in your HOME. THAT is what YOU must teach YOUR OWN CHILDREN.
One can also argue that why do yeshiva buildings and shuls have to be built so fancy these days when yeshivas are faltering and so many kids are kicked out because of lack of funds to pay tuition. Why not refrain from all the brass, marble, glass and granite and use that money for tuition and paying the Rabbonim? That argument is just as valid? Yes we are supposed to make our makom kedoshim mehudar but not at the expense of not paying the Rabbonim that work there!!!!
Do you see how any argument can be made if you choose to??????
CS, he was wrong and your vibes were right on the mark. He now sees that you had his number from the get go and he isn’t winning at the game he tried to play. He is now interested because you beat him at his own game and tweaked his interest. Too bad he didn’t play by your rules, his loss. Gut Shabbos from sunny Miami.
Midwest, YOU have no idea JUST HOW MUCH money they already give to Maos Chitim!!!!!
People who have a hard time looking at these ads SHOULDN’T look and they should practice NOT being mekaneh other people. Hashem has his plan. PEOPLE who advertise do so to make a parnassah and they do so because the competition is fierce. Please stop judging and start understanding something about marketing and competition.
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Look for internship jobs which doesn’t pay but you can learn a lot and looks great on a resume.
My niece ran for HASC her future sister-in-law ran for Chai Lifeline! Yasher koach, may you be zoche to continue racing year after year!
Cough still going strong, I feel like my back is coming right through my chest.
Oh Miami Beach?????? Its where the chickens go to roast!!!
I believe NY’ers are very fast paced and are extreme multi-taskers. I don’t think they mean to be rude and not get back to you I believe their lists are so long they can’t keep track of what they promised whom and they are just truly running behind and can never catch up. When they say “I’ll get back to you” they really mean “I’ll add you to my list and get to you when I get to you”. They truly intend to get to you somewhere down the list. If they really don’t want to be bothered NY’ers are straight forward enough to say “Sorry I don’t have time or really I can’t be bothered with that!”
It is scary and no matter what happens in Egypt it won’t play out well for Israel. WE can basically consider the peace treaty with Egypt null and void once Mubarek is out. If another militant group takes power in this Arab state Israel will be surrounded on all sides by hostile enemies and no lies that Obama offers will be worth even the breath spoken with them.
In this case, the shadchan would be happy to oblige and teach the young man a lesson in dating! What he did was wrong and she deserves to know about it for her sake in the future. Why should she be involved with such a person who is not only disrespectful to the young women she presents to him but also gives her a bad name.
I became an extension of a local yeshiva. I told the bochurim and at times girls, the first time you are at my home you are guests the second time you are family. That meant don’t wait to be served and don’t wait for others to clean up for you.
The best guests help to set, to serve and to clean up. It is not really necessary to bring gifts, the help is worth its weight in gifts.
The reason one might give a cell phone instead of the house phone is because of nosy siblings who might answer the phone instead of the intended. However whether before of after the first date “texting” is a no no. And the reason this guy did not set a date or said he would text might be because he was calling two girls at the same time which is also a big no no. DROP HIM like a hot potato his midos are off the charts in a bad way. He doesn’t deserve a chance because he has no respect for you and certainly not for the shadchan’s reputation either.
As I ALWAYS say: You can change a person from the OUTSIDE in but not from the INSIDE out!
Look for a Lev Tov first and foremost followed by good midos, good charachter, good hygiene……
Health, you would be surprised to know that not all parents impress upon boys, or maybe not all boys choose to learn, the necessity of deodorant, showering every day and/or when married showering at night before bed, brushing their teeth twice a day and using mouthwash, changing their shirt every day, etc, etc, etc.
Not all men know these things or are considerate enough to put their dirty clothes in the hamper, their dirty dishes in the sink, take out the garbage without being asked, etc, etc, etc.
All of which puts a huge strain on a marriage as you can imagine if the shoe were on the other foot so to speak.
Wolf, sad isn’t it how far people will take just simple ordinary things?
mytake, that is the most beautiful thing I ever heard. Thank you!
Always here, sounds like heaven. No matter where I am for Pesach, I always clean, clean, clean from top to bottom as if I am home. Cleaning for Pesach is a chiyuv for me, no matter what.
Eclipse, sorry, not necessarily on this thread, harping in general because we have done this before on other threads. What is this round two, three, four or more in judging what others do and what they should do with their money instead of what they are doing? How does anyone really know what anyone truly does with their money and how much they give to tzedaka as well?
Eclipse there is no comparison to what Bbubbee brought up, which has been raised many times before. Yeshivas close because they are mismanaged or because they no longer have the support they need to stay opened. Yeshivas who have the support always find the money. Someone just told me that his child’s yeshiva admitted to him that the actually tuition was only 3/4 of what he is paying and agreed to give him a donation receipt for the rest of it. They agreed that 1/4 of what he was being charged for tuition was for covering kids who did not pay or did not pay full tuition. Well that is smart accounting in my book because if you are honest with your parent body, they will be more supportive of you. Why call it tuition when it is not. If 1/4 of what you are charging for tuition is not meant for the tuition of that child but for another then you are in fact exacting a donation from each parent paying full scale. Those parents ARE then entitled to deduct that donation from their taxes. Fair is fair.
A yeshiva who is honest in that way, will get better support from their parent body and will not fold so quickly IMHO. As far as Tomchei Shabbos is concerned, there will always be a need, and as I said before Hashem is in charge of who has and who does not. So don’t be mekaneh those who have because they are the ones giving the big bucks to tzedaka as they are supposed to and many, many, many give much, much more than required so why keep harping on what they choose to do with the rest of their money?
Health, it might be the URI that triggers or accompanies the bronchitis and drowns the bronchial tubes with phlegm, etc. Maybe that is what the anti-biotics is for so the inhaler can work to clear the bronchitis.
Rarely is anything done l’toeles! People just convince themselves that the loshon horah they are spreading or the reason they are butting into someone else’s business is l’toeles. Rarely is someone in a position to really help someone make a true tikun in their lives. Rarely is someone kind, generous and knowledgeable enough to know how to give mussar or be metaken someone so that they take it the right way and want to make that change. If you try to be metaken someone and the way you do it will not have a good affect on them, then you have no business minding their business. If you know they will not listen to you then it is asser for you to approach them because you are making the situation worse. So again, as I said, rarely is any of this l”h or busybody business l’toeles.
So the first thing you would need to do is OWN up to your responsibility and be accountable for your “MISTAKE” and learn from it big time. Then do whatever you can to correct it by first apologizing to the person that you hurt. Then speaking to everyone and anyone who heard this rumor and letting them know that YOU were the source of the rumor and you were 100 percent mistaken and that you take full responsibility for speaking Loshon Horah and saying things that turned out to be untrue. You should also let them know what a huge lesson you learned from this experience.
cshapiro, I’m happy to tell you that this young man broke protocol and I doubt if he will follow through so YOU can call the shadchan and tell her after the phone call YOU have decided that it is best to drop it. Any young man who phones the girl is supposed to set up the date during that conversation. Anyone who doesn’t is certainly sketchy especially if he says he will “text” you. That is totally inappropriate. So do not be afraid to follow your instincts here, there is definitely something off. Go ahead and call the shadchan and tell her “thanks but no thanks”.
You always have a choice and so do your parents and in-laws. At the beginning of marriage kids go back to their parents for yomim tovim and parents love to have them, but as parents age, don’t kid yourselves it gets harder for them. Why not invite your in-laws to you if you are ready to stay home? WE did it when we bought our own home and were ready to make Yom Tov on our own. We did not want to miss out on their company or cheat the kids of not having their grandparents at the seder table. Once I and my siblings were at this point, my parents took turns going from one of us to the other. Now it is MY turn, we now go to our kids for Yomim Tovim.
We are not talking about loss here just pain. Physical pain is easier to treat and deal with than emotional pain.
I don’t live in Miami, I winter in Miami and my docs are in NY. This would be the third year I got bronchitis and both times earlier I needed antibiotics to knock it out and an inhaler. Last year the first round of normal anti-biotics didn’t do the job and I needed a second round of very strong antibiotics. I believe the anti-biotics, plus the inhaler, plus other meds that I was taking through me into a RA situation with my knees Pesach time where my knees would not bend. I was in agony.
The bronchitis causes me severe back pain, since the coughing pulls on my spine. Sometimes my spine snaps. It is also draining my Koach. My regular doctor for sure will not prescribe for me over the phone, so I will have to call a friend for a favor. I thought I would wait it out to be sure, but I am in the pool every day teaching my grandkids to swim and I am so exhausted. But B”H the grandkids are making tremendous progress.
When you get bad vibes, end the conversation and stay away. You get that feeling for a reason so trust your instincts no matter what anyone else tells you.
When you look towards the future you have no idea what it holds, it is vast like a huge ocean. But the past happened already and its like a book where you can rifle through the pages or just glimpse at a summary. You can think back and remember so many things so quickly as if time passed so quickly. Wasn’t it just yesterday that you learned how to use the computer? Wasn’t it just yesterday that your child was born? Nope it was 33 years ago……really, I remember it like it just happened. My how time flies. But…if you are thinking about your child’s bar mitzvah in 3 years, or graduation, or your 25th anniversary when you are married for 15 years it seems like forever away.
I used to read every thread, now I am more picky. I have also learned to filter, I don’t jump in and answer everyone either.
Here we go again. Try to be dan l’kaf zchus. Hashem is in charge of who has what and why.
Many of the Pesach programs closed last year because of the economy. This is how these people make parnasah for the year. Those who need to go away for Pesach, those who can afford to go away for Pesach, those whose family count on the Pesach reunion each year, are way more than just grateful to the ehrlich groups that run these glatt kosher programs for both gebrochs and non-gebrochs families. Many Chashuv and popular Rabbonim count on these programs as well and actually attract many families who otherwise would stay home.
As far as advertising “king” size beds. There are many people who CAN use large beds and have the room for them and there is nothing wrong with it. Believe it or not, there are many people whose bedrooms are so large these days they can put two in, and in addition, some people put it in a kid’s bedroom or guest room. In a master bedroom, a King headboard can be furnished with two sets of twin mattresses so the beds are separate and can be separated. They don’t necessarily get attached to the headboard. This is a different option for couples who want the beds together and have two night tables but don’t have room for two 48″ beds, or don’t want to buy twin headboards. Furthermore, older couples might have no problem having a king size bed and it is no one’s business if they do. So why be “choshed” anyone and why take such offense to it? Why be so bothered by it? It means nothing and has nothing to do with tznius. A single person can have a King size bed as well as a widow, widower, divorcee. Why immediately do you have to think everything is wrong! Stop worrying about what is going on in someone else’s bedroom and behind someone else’s closed doors. Why do we have to make everything OUR business. It isn’t! So can we stop turning everything into a sour situation and just let everyone be?
I also do not understand why people need to go to far away European or exotic places for Pesach or other Yomim Tovim. It doesn’t seem balbatish or Heimish to me. But that’s me and it is not MY place to say what someone else should or shouldn’t do. In many cases this is the only vacation the family takes for the year or for many years. This is THE big vacation and if they choose to combine it with Pesach, how or why should I or anyone else not fargin the woman of the house to have a real vacation? It really is none of our business what others choose to do. If they get there and they realize it lacks the “tam” of the Yom Tov, they will learn for themselves not to do it again. If you or I tell them “you will miss the tam of Yom Tov” they will not hear you or believe you anyway.
I have been home for most Yomim Tovim and I have also had the pleasure of being in a Hotel for Pesach. Each choice has its own pros and cons, but I can’t say that we lacked the tam of Pesach by being in a Hotel, it just is not true. It certainly was different than being home. It sure was. I didn’t see a kitchen for 8 days! I didn’t wash a dish and I didn’t burn my hands or cut myself even once. I didn’t have to set, serve or clear off. I also didn’t have to shop or shlep the food, plan the menus, prepare of cook. Actually I felt like a slave that was freed from Mitzraim.
Goq, you don’t deserve to get yelled at and no you were not hired to take abuse for your boss! If that were in your job description I highly doubt you would have taken the job!
No one has the right to be nasty or abusive on the phone just as no one has the right to answer the phone and be nasty and abusive. We already covered these issues in a thread called phone etiquette. No matter what anyone says here, YOU ARE RIGHT. People who call in have no right to take out their frustrations on you. They do have a right to say they are upset and angry, and they do have an obligation to apologize if they get out of line with you, but in no way are you obligated to take any form of abuse from anyone.
Since you do work in a yeshiva, you might consider discussing with the Rosh or Rav what would be the most appropriate approach to take when this happens. Should you respond, should you put the caller on hold, should you give them a warning that you will hang up if they don’t cease the abuse and then follow through, should you just transfer them to his line to leave a message, etc. It is best to have a plan rather than fly by the seat of your pants. If you have a system in place, it will be easier for you to handle these types of calls more efficiently and you will not be effected by them so much because you will just practice the plan you have in place and not listen to the abuse.
Eclipse, isn’t it better to talk to us than to talk to yourself or to the wall? Honestly. You vented a few normal thoughts, concerns and issues. Yes it is true whether you are divorced or just concerned about “what if”. The thought of starting over with someone new is terrifying.
However, if you are starting over with an adult forty years and over, someone who was married before, they should have learned the basics. They should smell clean and fresh when you meet them and date them. They should look clean and put together, if not you probably should move on. I don’t think you need to worry about the basics and definitely should not have to put up with simple things like personal hygiene the second time around.
Eclipse, we are too alike. I lost my voice a week ago and am coughing. I think it is bronchitis. I am in Miami so am reluctant to call my doc for antibiotics.
Who would the “someone” be? Are your parents speaking to you, a 16 year old, about dating? Are they preparing you for the future?
Anyone else speaking to you about dating would be inappropriate and should be directed to your parents. What I would advise you to do is simply say “I am only 16 and not in the parsha yet.”
I think that the more things we do b’shtika the better they work out. That is why we are supposed to do shidduchim b’shtika and not blab about it till its a done deal. Those that do usually work out better.
We are not supposed to tell anyone about a pregnancy until it is past the first trimester. That is considered the safe zone.
We don’t tell anyone about a new job, a raise, anything that is about to happen until it has happened and we are certain of it.
We say this because we don’t want to give it an a”h, but maybe it is because it gets a special brocha if it is done b’shtika.
“No one is perfect..” You can say that again, and again, and again……
I too catch myself and apologize for being so frustrated and angry and say ” I don’t mean to yell at you I am just so upset, I know it is not your fault but…… can you help me out?”
As far as the rude client is concerned the only way to deal with him is to tell him “excuse me, please understand that yelling at me and abusing me is still not going to make this happen any sooner. If I could miraculously have it ready for you sooner believe me being rude to me would not be the best way to make that happen. And if you continue to yell at me you will leave me with only two options one to put you on hold for a few minutes to allow you to calm down and regain your civility or two to consider this conversation over and hang up.”
That would be like throwing a bucket of cold water in his face.
Many years ago I worked for an accounting office in Boro Park. This one client called in and started to throw his weight around. He wanted to talk to the boss and I politely asked who he was. He blew up and started yelling at me, you don’t know who I am? I am so and so and how do you not know who I am, I am your most important client, on and on and on. When he finally calmed down I said “Well Mr. “X”, you might be the most important client and you might be a client here for 10 years, but I just started here last week and I have yet to learn all the clients so do you really expect me to know who everyone is already?” That humbled him in zero to 60. He was so apologetic, after that each time he called he introduced himself and asked how I was doing.