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S1, when my kids were dating there were specific questions that I asked. I wasn’t really interested in turning over every stone and finding every skeleton in the closet. But the answers that I needed about the parents were this. “Will they be good role models for my children and grandchildren”. That was very important to me.
Any good marriage is a result of hard work. It is also a result of each spouse putting the other’s needs before their own. You don’t need a crystal ball to tell you that if you do that you will have a good marriage. You don’t need to have a Rav hold your hand to do these things. You might need to be reminded by your Rav every once in a while that YOU are not the most important person in the equation, but those are the basic rules for a good marriage. I also don’t believe that marriage is about “give and take”. Marriage is about giving. If you both keep giving you will both keep getting without having to “take”.
Most women have a “need” to be married and to have children. It is an inner yearning and today’s society which looks at you and puts a “time” frame on what has to be done when doesn’t help any. If everyone had their own crystal ball and could possibly know that everything will be fine and they will be married at a certain stage in their life and they will have children b”h at a certain time in their life, they could relax and enjoy each day as it comes. But our society puts so much pressure on young people that when they say “Modeh Ani” each morning they cannot even have the true kavonah for that.
Hashem has a plan for all of us, we need to forget about the yentas around us and work on our own individual emunah and bitachon. Keep your eye on the prize and don’t let anyone get in your way.
Settlers of Catan is a game my 24 year old plays every Shabbos with his friends and sometimes during the week. THEY ARE OBSESSED!!!!
I just bought a LEGO game for my 8 year old grandson, that might work. Risk is a good game and takes thought, Stratego, Mastermind makes them think as well as Othello.
Again it is find to disagree, I have been involved in shidduchim for many, many years so I know what I am doing. Anyone I know personally who trusts me, trust my judgement. Anyone who I don’t know, I don’t owe them anything. I might say I don’t know them that well, maybe you should ask someone else. Again, I have no idea who is on the other end, and rarely do they introduce themselves so I am not obligated to divulge anything to strangers.
a mamin, then we will just have to disagree on this point. There is no reason that I have to tell someone about another person’s past so they can repeat it to another and then another. It is enough for me to tell someone I really know that the shidduch is not for them because I know that they will nix the shidduch if they know that. They either trust me or not. If they trust me they know I have their best interest at heart. If they don’t trust me they can ask someone else. It is NOT necessary to speak L”H on other people. My friend from out of town called me about a young man in my neighborhood. He is a great guy today, he wasn’t 5 years ago. I told her it wasn’t for her. She asked me why and I said I can’t tell her but I know that if she knew what I know she would not accept the shidduch. There is nothing wrong with the boy and he would make a great shidduch for someone else but I know what she is looking for and this is not what she is looking for. (she is very particular). B”H her daughter is married and she got exactly what was matim to her family and what was appropriate for her daughter. B”H I did not spread anything about this boy’s past because I care about him, respect him for what he has accomplished and am friends with his family. There is just no need for it. Whoever knows knows and whoever doesn’t has no need to. It is up to him to disclose his past to his future spouse and not me.
Why should I ruin his chances of getting married when he turned his life around and is no longer the same person he was 5 years ago. Can you compare a 23 year old to an 18 year old or 17 year old? Kids change and why should I spread information about his past? That just isn’t right. Again if someone called me and told me then know about his past what is he like today, I would have a real conversation with them, but I still would not disclose what I know about his past just discuss what I know about him today.
Well everyone is entitled to their opinions and everyone has the right to choose. But being a singer does not automatically make you a bad shidduch prospect.
Not taking on goyish holidays is a chumrah? Sorry I didn’t know that!
Sac, you touched upon a very serious issue with huge consequences. YOU have to be so totally careful NOT to hurt anyone during shiduchim. There are so many stories of couples who are childless that have to go back and ask mechilah from the ones they hurt during the shiduch process. It is no joke and something that has happened over and over again. BE VERY CAREFUL.
About a year or so ago the father of a young girl my son dated very seriously when he was 19 years old called me. (MY son is now 30). He said his daughter was married (and I know to whom) and they had only one child but for some reason that was it. His Rav suggested that she call my son and ask mechilah from him. The father made them break up because I said that I had no objection to the shidduch (they met in college) but that there was no way I would allow him to marry before he was 20. I just felt he was not mature enough and needed to work on himself in order to be a good husband. I told this to his Rosh Yeshiva and actually told the Rosh Yeshiva that although I never met the young lady I spoke to her on the phone and I felt that the Rosh needed to work with my son to smooth out his rough edges.
At any rate the father got tzehitz and said his daughter was ready then and there and he didn’t want her shlepping around and broke them up. At this point he was concerned about his “couple” and wanted to make a connection between them so that he could be moichel her. I told him there was no way I would allow her to call my son and bring ghosts into his marriage. I assured him that my son was extremely happy in his marriage and that he had 3 children and does not give his daughter a second thought. I assured him that he was completely moichel her if not right away then for sure the day of his wedding when he was moichel everyone and any one that hurt him and that it was not because of my son that she was in that situation. I bentched him that he should have great nachas from this couple and from all his children and grandchildren. We never heard from them again.
For those hosting the party, it probably has some religious significance. Are you asking because you want to party? Do we not have enough holidays of our own, do we have to celebrate extra goyish holidays? Can’t you hold out for another week till Purim?
If it is a business situation IMHO tell them that you can’t really make it but you will try to stop in to say hello. If it is friends let them know that you don’t celebrate St. Patricks day and unless you are “lunching” in a glatt kosher restaurant you really can’t attend.
One way to improve your middos is to go out in the real world and put others first. Help people. Look around you and you will find that people all around you needs some sort of help. Hold a door open, help someone with their bags. Help someone carry the stroller down the steps. Say good morning, offer a smile. Walk someone to shul. Offer someone a ride, say a kapital tehilim and pay attention to what your saying.
Use the two breath method. Take two breaths before responding so your brain has a chance to catch up to your mouth. Think before you speak “how will what I am about to say be received? Maybe I shouldn’t say it?” Remember to say “please” and “thank you” and mean it. Do things you are supposed to do before you are asked to do them.
If you don’t think to much about it and just go out and do it, you will be surprised how much better you will feel about yourself.
The bag could have ripped when they lifted it and they put it back down. They could have told them inside what happened and this is what they were told to do rather than have one bag short till the next delivery. Obviously if the bag was ripped for a long time, there would be spillage in the truck and the bag would not be full and therefore they could not charge the full price for the bag, therefore there would be a discussion about it. They couldn’t just sneak it in.
We really need to be dan l’kaf zchus in all areas of our life and stop looking for the wrong and the bad in every situation. WE can think of so many scenarios when we come upon a situation but we really are just letting our imagination take control. WE really don’t know what truly happened.
DY, the only problem is that “everyone” takes it personally. If you take too long to get back to the shadchan with a “yes” everyone’s ego gets out of whack. If you take a long time checking out prospects you should tell the shadchan “she is in middle of something at the moment I will get back to you if she becomes available”. In that way the boy that says yes and his family have no idea that you are taking 2 weeks to check them out. Of course you are risking the opportunity that he won’t be available when you are ready, but you take that risk anyway when you take too long to give an answer.
Shidduchim is such a sensitive balancing act.
When someone I don’t know calls me for information I don’t feel obligated to say everything I know about someone. Why should I? How do I know who they are and what they are hiding? Maybe its a perfect shidduch. It is not my job to spread L”H about anyone.
On the other hand if someone I do know calls me about a shidduch and I know something about the prospect that won’t sit well with them. I tell them it is not for you. If they push me and ask why, I simply say “you called me for information because you trust me. I know you and I know that this is not what you are looking for. It is not important why I say this because it is not important for you to know what I know. It will be a perfect shidduch for someone else and people are entitled to their privacy. For you, it is not a good shidduch.
I know a lot of young people who have B”H recovered from their teenage years. Today they are wonderful bnei Torah, you would never recognize them from 5 or 6 years ago. Does that mean they shouldn’t get married? They need to be judged on who they are today, not who they were back then. But some people understand that and some people just don’t. Is it necessary for me to tell someone about a particular person’s past and spread the information or is it enough if I just say “the shidduch is not for you” knowing that they would never forgive the prospect’s past?
If someone asks me I know this person had a very troubled childhood what are they like today? I can be truthful and honest with them and tell them what I know about that person.
If a boy says “yes” he should give the girl a week to answer, if she doesn’t answer after a week, there is no reason why he can’t give a “yes” to another girl and take it from there. If the second girl gets back to him first there is no reason why he shouldn’t go out with her first.
Hashem is in charge, we are only players in HIS game. If it is meant to be that the first girl is the one for him then the date with the second girl will not work out. On the other hand, if it does that is what was bashert for them. The point is that you have to be mentchlich but not stupid. You can’t wait around for every answer because it could be a “yes” or a “no”. So after waiting a week which is fair and you don’t get an answer move on to the next one.
No, but when they call back they are usually met with “Oh he has just gotten a yes back from someone else so he is busy right now”. You never know if that is true or not.
Maybe you were married to a not very nice person who happened to be an aspiring singer. He would still be a not nice person if he was an accountant.
Most of the time you won’t find out everything you need to know before you start dating. Here’s a secret “people lie when they give information”.
The point in dating until you are sure is to get to know the other person. If you find things out about the other person whether face to face or through information that doesn’t sit right with you, or that you can’t live with, you call it off. You don’t necessarily need to nor do you always find everything out in the week you research the shidduch. Some times it goes well the first few dates and as it gets more serious and you talk about more serious issues you find out that you are not that compatible or your family styles or values don’t mesh.
Correct, some wear a ruby on a necklace.
PBA, that’s just the nature of the beast, that’s how its done. That is dating etiquette.
PBA, honestly you can’t control whether or not people get back to you quickly or not. Everyone is “important” these days. In addition, people travel, have busy lives are always on the run. Just because you make your phone calls b’zrizus does not mean that people call you back b’zrizus. Especially if you are calling Rabbonim or Roshei Yeshivas.
Not taking it personally just making a point.
s2021, seriously. Someone told me about it years ago. If someone doesn’t have kids they should wear a ruby, if someone miscarries they should wear a ruby. It is brought down somewhere. So I had bought some rings with rubies in them. My daughter took one and one I gave to my niece. It worked for both in different capacities. I’m not going to argue with success. I told my niece she should consider passing it around in the family.
A girl usually does not know when a shidduch is presented to a boy and they shouldn’t. Once the boy said yes, you have to give the girl’s side at least a week to work on it. Anything under a week is ridiculous and it puts too much pressure on the family for an answer. A week is a respectable amount of time to get information and make a decision. If they take longer than a week, they risk the chance that the boy says yes to another girl as well and he won’t be available when they get back to the shadchan.
I never heard about twice. I know only about once in 7 years.
OH, i’m sorry I forgot to mention Avraham Fried, I’ve met him, his wife and kids on many occasions. Yeah, no problem with him either. Nice family. BTW, Shlomie Dachs was my son’s shadchan he is very involved in mitzvos and helping others. As are many of the band players. Does anyone who have negative thoughts know any singers personally?
TBT, did I say I don’t like shidduch dating? Where did I say that??????? Do you know the problem with assuming?
BTW, where do you get your statistics on divorce? You talk about it a lot. Please bring a source that shows that shidduch marriages last longer (just because you threw it out there).
An attorney can also be sucked into the gayvah and other negative middos, so can a doctor, as a matter of fact a Rabbi can let his kovod and popularity go to his head as well. Let’s see a real estate developer who makes tons of money, yes for sure. At the height of the economy, the mortgage brokers, title closers, bankers, stock brokers, etc.
That comment can be said about any professional at the height of their careers. It always depend on the person, who they are and whether or not they know that their mazal and parnassah come from Hashem.
My niece got engaged last spring. I told her older sister that a Ruby has special segulah properties so I want to lend her my ruby ring to wear until she replaces it with an engagement ring. She happens to be an amazing young woman and was absolutely totally psyched and happy for her sister. Well B”H she is getting married in March. She is the first girl her chasson went out with, she just had to wait for him. And she absolutely told him the magical powers of my special Ruby Ring (and her special aunt).
That is probably one of the problems with shidduch dating. If two people meet on their own and like each other they usually don’t find these things out until they have already become friends and realize they want more than a friendship. By that time they know the whole person and don’t look at them as a disease. It just comes along with the territory.
On the other hand, with shidduch dating, you turn over every stone to get the scoop on the prospect and their family so if one toe is longer than the other you will know about it and nix the shidduch.
We are illogical when it comes to these things. Hashem can give us these nisyonos at any time. He can give it to anyone even to a perfect couple with no signs of illness before a wedding and poof someone gets sick after a wedding and has to deal with the same thing. We are truly blinded by perfection and do not have enough bitachon and emunah to know and understand that Hashem has our zivig picked out for us and some may come with bumps and bruises, not everyone is a perfect peach.
bygirl93, points taken, you see you have to put everything into perspective. Even if you are a Kollel couple yet you flaunt your expensive sheitel and your expensive jewelry and you go out with your friends thanks to your parents’ credit card (as was so aptly pointed out) you just can’t claim poverty or a need for chessed when it comes to paying others. Fair is fair.
No, it is a general comment for whomever wants to know.
cube steak
We have been through this last year. You can look it up. If you want to know which Rabbonim pasken on this, you can google it from YWN to Hatzolah. There is a lot of information on the subject.
In the control panel there are settings for keyboard, mouse, etc.
firstly I apologize I was typing on my phone. Could you tell????
If you don’t want to ask the sitter ask the sister. She might be coming to you as a favor but she is not babysitting as a favor. She is babysitting to make money. So be honest with your friend and tell her you really appreciate that her sister is coming and you want her to be happy coming to you so please either find out or tell her not to be ashamed to tell you directly what she wants to get paid.
As far as chesed is concerned, it is chesed hours when kids go after school to help kolel couples who can’t afford help. But it is not chessed when kids babysit so you can go to the movies or to eat out with friends.
I know two frum singers Shloimie Dachs and Yisroel Wulliger. May your singer be as eidel and good as these two and may you be zoche to build beautiful families like they have.
Check the settings you might have put the keyboard on slow.
Everything depends on how he is doing in school and if he can keep up his grades while doing it. In addition you should be prepared for the financials involved. The parents pay for all the expenses including the costumes and trips and hotel fees. The kids “DO NOT” get paid from what I remember hearing. So it is just for the fame and the fun. So the question is, can your child handle the fame, the time involved and the fun without it getting to his head and get in the way of his educaiton?
Leizor, I just read this thread, what is behind this issue? Do you know why they refuse to give gifts? Are you the first chosson in their family? Was this done before? What does your Kallah say about this? What is your relationship with the parents?
It is appropriate to just drink more than you would normally drink to feel the effect of the wine. Be sure that you and your wife are on the same page about this so that there are no hurt feelings or embarrassment. If you are not home for the seudah make sure you have a designated driver to get you and your family home if you plan on drinking more than usual. Also be sure you will not be making a fool of yourself, throw up, or do anything else your wife will be upset about. Also keep in mind what impression and example you are making on your children. Things have gotten way out of hand on Purim the past few years and many, many Rabbonim have become extremely stringent about NOT getting drunk on Purim.
Then you should ask your friend how much her sister charches. If your friend woes it it is a. Favor if. HR sister. Does it it is business.
Nah! He just wants to get the right answers.
ABUSE is NOT ACCEPTABLE and should be called out at the very first sign!
DO NOT WAIT till the abuse continues. STOP it from the get go. Hold the abuser accountable and don’t accept the apology without therapy. Never accept “I will never do it again” without having the abuser accountable to someone other than the spouse! Make sure someone knows about it from the get go whether it is a therapist, a Rav, your parents. DO NOT keep it private. Don’t make a nothing from it, it is a something. Don’t make excuses for it, whether s/he was drunk, upset, depressed whatever. Each of these issues are issues and the result is bad. The issues have to be dealt with so the end result does not happen again.
So the question is what else does he do? What is his family like? What does he have to fall back on? As I said, you don’t marry a profession you marry a person.
I found Fruend’s to be the best. Don’t know why I love it but I do.
Daas Yochid, if they are “shy” ask them what they normally get paid and they will answer you.
Unfortunately when a child picks a chosson or Kallah that doesn’t necessarily mean WE are picking OUR mechutanim. But we can only argue and/or negotiate so far without tipping the apple cart and causing issues for the couple. Most of us do what we have to in order to make sure it is smooth sailing for the couple. If you push too far or say “no” too much you fear that you will break the shidduch. You have to know who you are dealing with, and obviously “always here” was in a difficult situation that she felt she couldn’t maneuver out of without causing problems for the couple.
No one wants to be the one that puts her foot down and breaks the shidduch. It is a very difficult ballet and balancing act to maneuver through till after the chupah and sheva brochos when you are done with the mechutanim. In many cases you are walking on egg shells. Some times it runs very smoothly and you are both on the same page, but in some cases it can be a real challenge.
Why do you think she is reading this when she said she is turning off her computer? Don’t you have faith in her? I do!
Hashem gives different talents to different people. You don’t marry a profession you marry a person. Think about it!