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Eclipse, on the high rode, the sun is so much warmer and brighter, the flowers smell so much nicer, and the grass is so much greener. It is a much nicer place to visit and an even much better place to stay.
Metro, I believe his attitude comes from his frustration, but I agree with you. It our job to always be mentchlech no matter what especially when dealing with people older than we are.
I was also taught that two fingers was permitted but i also do my best to keep everything under wraps. I believe the old saying if you give an inch they take a yard comes into play. When anything is offered as allowable, it is exaggerated to be whatever anyone’s interpretation it becomes.
I don’t know any Rav who said a woman can take out any length of hair and intergrate it with their sheitel or over their fall, and yet it has become too common a practice. Whether it is from the front, the sides or the back. And I know that many husbands are too afraid to say anything and if a mother says anything a daughter will say “my husband didn’t say anything”. A Rav in a shul does not wish to chase away their kehillah and make the women mad at them so they say nothing. Men do not want to criticize their wives because that is not appropriate. So unless women choose to go to a shiur where they hear it is wrong and choose to take that to heart or unless they are having trouble conceiving and their Rav suggests that being very makpid in covering our hair appropriately is a very big inyan, then we really need to just lead by example.
The sheitel machers are really the ones who should tell the truth in this case. If they are asked they SHOULD know the halacha and speak the truth. They are very capable of making young women look gorgeous without taking out their hair. So maybe it should be a shiur given to sheitel machers and ideas given to them how to give over this information as well as Kallah Teachers.
If you are always thinking “I am on a diet” you will sabotage yourself. If you think I need to eat healthy or “I don’t need that” instead of “I shouldn’t eat that” you will psych yourself up to do better. Each time you think “I shouldn’t” your yetzer hara tells you “yeah I know, but one small bite won’t kill you” and then one bite turns into the whole portion. So when you tell yourself “I don’t need that” you are making a positive confirmation.
The only thing friends of friends can see (I believe) is comments you post on their wall. Otherwise if you do not allow “everyone” to see your profile they can’t see anything about you.
Everything is a matter of one’s own self control and maturity. I wouldn’t advise you allow a pre-teen, or teenager to have one. I certainly would advise to monitor to your best ability your kid’s account even if they are 18 because they still may be naive. But you have to use your own common sense.
I have a facebook account originally to keep in touch with kids I mentored, then it grew to family which is great because i can see pics they posted of the kids. But I don’t read every feed that comes in and I don’t go on it every day. There are times that two or three weeks have gone by and I didn’t open it. You have to filter. The pics with the feed are so tiny, you don’t have to look at them and you don’t have to get involved in everyone’s business. Keep it real folks.
You need to eat protein for breakfast within an hour of waking up in the morning to fuel and kick off your metabolism. If you are not eating a healthy low calorie breakfast that includes protein within the hour, you are starting off the day working against yourself.
If your lease says “as is” then that’s what it means. Many landlords put it in the lease. Anything that is visible (not within the walls) is your responsibility. There are many landlords who wont change a broken fridge or even stove. It is all in the game they play to keep from spending money. There is many a tenant moving with their own Fridge.
If you ask a Rav you should get the psak in writing. He will probably ask you why you didn’t take it off the rent immediately when it happened which is a good question and shayach and he would probably want to see the receipt for the work. It would probably have been acceptable to take it off when it happened and the landlord wouldn’t have had too much to say about it at the time. Taking it off the rent when you leave might be a different issue.
So lets forget about fantasy, in reality if this happened to you or someone you knew what would you do or advise Gila to do.
A financial advisor should be a salaried position. An insurance salesman is a commissioned job and something that doesn’t always always pay the bills. Don’t be fooled by the double title.
When you fix something in your own apartment you fix it for your OWN benefit and for your own use and not for your landlord’s benefit and use. If it is NOT nailed to the walls or it will not ruin the walls you can take it with you such as carpet, window treatments, etc. However, if it will do damage, you can’t take it. And no you can’t deduct it from your weight.
Different people need different things. It isn’t a script that everyone follows or that works the same way for everyone.
Withholding the rent will only cause more friction and will only cause more bad attitude from your landlord. Do you really need him to be motzi shem rah on you. Do you really need him to tell the neighbors that you are NOT paying your rent? Is that really necessary? How does that help you or help your situation? You know your are using the property and you know he is due the rent except for the last month which you already paid for and for that you should give him a note saying you are using your security deposit or you have already paid your last month rent when you moved in. What he does is not in your control and really won’t effect you because if you look at the scenario, if you were called to court and the judge told he that your landlord wants you out, and you showed him the title or contract on your new house that would be the end of it. The judge would tell him, you are moving and he will just have to wait.
So again, why stoop to his level. Be a mentch and be matzliach that is what’s most important.
Chaya’s precuts.
An eviction can take years. That doesn’t mean that you can just thumb your nose at your landlord and do whatever you want. You have to actually actively look for another apartment or work something out with your landlord if you don’t want to move, some kind of compromise. You don’t just get to ignore him and do whatever you want, that wouldn’t be mentchlich. So if you really do want to move for instance and you want to be mentchlich with your landlord let him know that you are actively seeking an apartment. If you don’t want to be pressured, tell him you will give him something in a raise if he will give you a one year lease and that you will keep looking to move in that time but he will have to let you out of the lease without consequences when you find the apartment. Let him know that you will give him notice as soon as you find the apartment and that you will let him show the apartment as soon as that happens.
Yes he can, but you don’t have to accept it therefor you basically remain at the old rate until you move out.
There is another method you can use by asking “well if what you have been doing till now hasn’t worked what do you think you could change or need to change to shake things up and make it work?” and listen to what they say. They might know that they have to make changes but don’t know how to go about doing it.
kfb, it is lousy to be young and the insurance field. Trust is a big issue. You need to be confident but not cocky. I was in insurance for 9 years and I can tell you the key to being a good insurance agent is “service, service, service”. Forget about 9-5, it doesn’t work. You “ALWAYS” have to be available to your clients. When they have an issue or a question you have to be Johnny on the spot, you have to have the answers and you have to have the best price for them all the time. Don’t expect them to be loyal to you, you have to be loyal to them.
It is a lousy field I don’t know why you want to get in it. I would stay away from insurance if i were you. Once you have called all your relatives and friends you will find that there is no one left to sell insurance to. YOU are talking about life insurance right?????????? I will tell you another secret. Commission does not pay bills on time. You are better off with a salaried job. Every Life insurance company hires and hires and hires. Do you know why? Because it doesn’t cost them anything. They just have to pay commission. So they have a revolving door. When these guys don’t make it they leave and other newbies take their place over and over and over again.
kfb, think about it. In this economy, who has money to manage, and who is going to buy insurance they don’t want with money they don’t have. Look for another job you are qualified today and make sure you take home a paycheck at the end of the week.
TLC, it really doesn’t pay to fight with them. YOU and I are both lucky that we had the landlords we had because it pushed us to buy our own homes B”H. When we are too comfortable with our landlords we get lazy and push that step off for too long. It is like baby birds leaving the nest. Believe it or not they did us a favor although it is not a comfortable situation. My daughter’s landlady made her nuts but she wound up in her own house as well. As much as we dislike them and are frustrated by them it is a brocha in disguise. So do the right thing for yourself and your wife. Be mentchlech because that is how the two of you were brought up and that is how you want to role model for your own children.
You are leaving after all. You are the proud owners of your own home. YOU are the winners in the end and they are the ones with the revolving tenants. They will always lose. So as I said if they get nasty you don’t have to show the apartment. If they play nice in the sandbox, why not. But if you really feel that people should know the truth about them you are in a dilemma that you should discuss with your Rav because you really can’t be motzeh shem rah, on the other hand you don’t want others to fall into the trap you feel you were in. So what do you do. You can tell the landlord if he brings anyone up you will be happy to show the apartment at your own convenience but you will not lie if you are asked any questions. Or you can do as I mentioned before and give the prospect your name and number. If asked you should only say it is not easy living with difficult people. The apartment is great, the neighbors are great. But you should know you will have to fix everything on your own, they won’t do anything for you. Know that before you sign the lease. If you are looking to be in this location and you love the apartment and that’s all that counts go for it. It is like having an absentee landlord when you need something, but he is always around when he wants something. If you are not specific and you don’t say anything nasty I think that would be alright.
I would start by asking them about their friends. What are their friends like? Who do they hang with. What have their friends suggested and have they taken that to heart. You might get an opening there.
If that doesn’t work, try asking them what are they looking for in a girl. If they talk about looks in a girl, then you have an opening there as well. Because you can ask, what does that mean? What does pretty mean to you? What does a good dresser mean to you? What does a nice smile mean to you, what does appearance mean to you and so on?
Then you compliment them on their honesty and the things you can compliment them on and gently move on to the things you can help them with. Would you be open to a new look? Girls put a lot of effort into looking good for their dates and most young men show their appreciation by doing the same. Your look is quite unique but a little too unique for most girls, do you think we can tone it down a bit? And for the other guy, “You know you really have a winning smile, but a trip to the dentist can make it even better. It could use a little whitening and brightening and then no one will be able to resist you.
Yes, I had to look into it when we were close to evicting a tenant of my mothers. And when WE didn’t accept a raise we also paid the old rent until we moved. The same with my daughter. In addition, you can use your security deposit which you are told when you rent your apartment is your “last month’s rent”. Never ever trust your landlord to return it to you.
Yogi, outsider specifically said he came here to instigate why do you even bother to answer him. Let it go, don’t even read what he writes. Most people understood your situation and gave you the chizuk you needed. There is always going to be someone who is going to come on and just be nasty and in your face. It has happened to all of us. Just do your best to ignore him and don’t take the bait. Just because the Mods let him through it does not mean he is right in any way or he deserves a response. It just means he has a right to post an opinion even though he admitted he is just trying to stir things up.
Tell them your Rosh told you to follow the Lakewood minhag so right now your in the FREEZER. Sit your mom down and tell her the same thing. Tell her you choose do things in the order of your priorities. This will make you a better husband and be able to put your wife first once you find her and marry her. Its called putting your priorities in order.
Unless a landlord specifically tells a tenant “this is your can and you are responsible for it” the tenant is not responsible to move the cans.
Its like when someone keeps hurting you and just thinks they can fix it with “sorry”. Things don’t work that way. These are loop holes that need to be closed and sewn up, never to be used again.
I don’t know why they would NOT be allowed to partake because they were in a state of ONEN, but they probably did NOT feel like partaking or were in shock.
If you don’t have a lease you pay what you paid before. Lets say that your lease is coming due and the landlord raises your rent. You do not accept the raise and you choose to move out. You are entitled to a reasonable amount of time to find another apartment but you still have to pay rent until you find that apartment. That doesn’t meant that you have to be on the street the minute the lease is up. He has to give you sufficient time to find a similar and/or accommodating apartment according to your family’s needs that you can afford. That is why trying to evict a tenant takes so long. In the mean time you don’t have to pay the raise you didn’t accept but you still have to pay the rent you were paying till now. That is what the court will tell you. In fact this could take years if he in fact tries to evict you. Since in this case the OP already has a place to move to it is not a problem worth more than a couple of months and he should be menthlich and pay the rent minus the security deposit.
I know of a situation that a parent was sitting shiva. He was required to get up from shiva and go to the wedding.
looks like you figured it out for yourself
Shlishi, yes at a normal hour. It would not be normal to run it at 3:00 am or even 6:00 am. Let me ask you something. If you lived upstairs and you heard the downstairs baby crying all night and then you hear quiet beginning about 8:00AM. Would you turn on the washer or would you have rachmonus on the mother and the baby?
apushatayid, and he is obviously right, but according to city ordinances it is not normal to do the things that Yogi’s neighbors did. Had she called the cops (which she didn’t) and they heard the computer and the phone conversation from Yogi’s bedroom at 1:00am, or they listened to the floor shaking and the sound of the woman running on the treadmill at 12 midnight from Yogi’s apartment they would definitely have gone upstairs to tell the neighbors to shut down the noise at that hour. Because the cops would have told them it was NOT NORMAL noise for that hour of the night. And although they can run the treadmill at 9:00pm and blast the computer at that time as well, after 10:00pm they can no longer do so.
Anyone who does not send response cards is looking for financial disaster. No one knows if others have another obligation or if they will be out of town. In this economy it is a very, very foolish thing to do.
My rule of thumb is if a person doesn’t answer call them. Mail does get lost and it also goes to the wrong address. There has been many a friendship broken because people were insulted that they didn’t get an invitation. Don’t assume that people are lazy or inconsiderate (which is also the case) and didn’t answer. Make the call. Even for those who never answer, try to get hold of them. The problem with not chasing people down is they take someone else’s seat and you either wind up with people squishing in at the table or someone who is supposed to seat there looking for a seat elsewhere. But you can only do your best so make seats only for those that responded and those you know for sure will show up even if they didn’t respond (like your sister and mother).
It might not be classy but it might not be a bad idea to put alternate methods of RSVP on the return cards such as an email address or a phone number. Sometimes people do wait to the last minute and are embarrassed to call (and will pretend that they mailed it in buy oh my you didn’t get it?) but they won’t mind sending you an email because they don’t have to see you or hear you. An email two days before the wedding still allows you to accommodate them and it is much better than them taking someone else’s seat.
As far as how many people don’t show up that say they will. I would say less than 10%, but then again about 5% come when they didn’t answer they are coming. So unless it is really inclement weather about 5% of the expected guests won’t show up.
Of course if you invite the entire world to your simcha, you can expect a bigger let down. If they truly don’t have a real connection to you, anything will be enough of a reason not to show up.
You certainly will stand out like RED thumb!
shlishi, although nekama is never warranted, sometimes people just need a little taste of their own medicine to come to their senses and realize that Hashem created the world for ALL of us and not just for them. That THEY don’t live in this world alone and they are surrounded by other people who DESERVE and have the same RIGHTS and NEEDS as they do. What Yogi did was NOT nekama it was a simple reminder. It was meant to remind them that now I need YOU to hear me, and YOU in turn NEED me to hear YOU like when YOUR boiler needs adjusting. WE all need each other at one time or another and therefore we should ALL be considerate of one another if not for the sake of plain common decency, then for that reason alone.
outsider, maybe you can choose another coin to flip. Most of us feel that Yogi has gone through enough, so much so that she felt she was forced to move (to b”h a nice landlord and neighbor) and that is never an easy proposition. So maybe you can show compassion or just drop it while she unpacks and settles in. At the moment she could use some support and not a born and bred instigator rilling her up.
TLC, they do not have the right to raise your rent. Well the have the right to do whatever they want but you do not have to pay it. YOU just have to pay what you have been paying till you leave. YES, you DO have to pay it and don’t have the right to withhold the rent. They can still start eviction proceedings but it will not effect you, it will just cost them legal and/or filing fees. If you get a notice of eviction you can inform the landlord that you will not allow him to show the apartment because of the notice.
Do you know why he told you it would be best if you part ways? Did he hear from someone else that you bought a house? If that is a possibility then I would not play hardball with a grouch and I would be nice and show the apartment at reasonable hours as long as it is convenient to you an your spouse. If it is not a possibility and he is just plain nasty you have a choice of showing the apartment and giving the prospective tenant your name and phone number so if they have any questions they can call you. If you do this one time, he will not bring another couple up while you still live there.
outsider, you sound like one. There is such a thing called common courtesy. No one said that they were talking normally and Yogi heard them. She said he was talking on the phone over the noise of a blaring computer. Your reading comprehension seems in line with your compassion here.
Not Brooklyn
No my point is as they had more kids and they realized they were making more noise they should have made rules for the children because they had tenants downstairs paying them rent for the privilege of living downstairs in peace. Their attitude was “it is my house and my kids can do what they want, that’s why I have my own house and I am not a tenant like you”.
Again the same as Yogi, in our face we don’t care about you except….keep paying us the money.
I would want to see enough changing rooms for both sides of the family and a separate room for the Kallah so she can concentrate on her tefilos and not be distracted by the makeup lady doing everyone else’s makeup. That is one of the reasons Rose Castle was very popular they were very accommodating in that regard. Also a nice clean Yichud room that no one else was using so the couple have their own private, and not messy place to go after the chupah that has a clean bathroom with mirror.
I would like it to have a good acoustic system so it is not necessary to hire a sound system and have an added expense. I would like to see it have a nice place for photos for both the chasson and the Kallah whether inside or outside. I would like to see a large Chupah area so that it is not crowded by the photographers and no one gets to see the Chassan and Kallah. I would like to see the Chupah area have more than one exit so no one feels like they are in a fire trap and have more than one way to get out.
I would like to see it have a nice size dance floor but not look like a Yeshiva Gym. And have telephone reception so that we can get emergency phone calls if necessary. If there are actually mens and womens entrances then they should not lead to a common hallway or coatroom. That just seems ridiculous to just go through a separate door and wind up in the same place.
And personally I like to have separate rooms for the different parts of the wedding. I would rather move from room to room that been shoved around like a piece of furniture.
I would suggest you get that from your Rebbe or RY, it should be appropriate and reflect your yeshiva.
Looks is all in Hashem’s hands.
A cousin of my husband’s was having a difficult time in shidduchim. She finally got engaged but wasn’t sure. She really wanted a tall boy and he wasn’t. Her friends were making her nervous. This one told her it is assur to see him, the other told her it was asser to even speak with him, and here she was totally unsure to begin with. I had told her that height and looks is not what is important, what is important is who is and if he has a tall middos and a good heart. Maybe Hashem did not choose a tall good looking boy for her. Have bitachon and get to know him. I told her she should stop listening to her friends and she should get to know her chasson, he has to be her best friend and not the girls she was used to.
PS I kept encouraging her right up to the day of the wedding. I have to say I thought he was cute although he was not much taller than her, a little chubby and had a beard. A few weeks after the wedding she called me and said “He treats me like a queen. I have never felt so important in all my life! I never knew someone can make another person feel so loved and so cared for. Hashem definitely sent me a gem.”
DY, when we moved in they didn’t have 7 kids. That was a surprise. My next apartment we moved upstairs and our landlords were also holocaust survivors. Our landlady was extremely nervous and paranoid. I wasn’t allowed to go down to the basement after 10pm. Then didn’t say anything to us but I understood that the kids jumping on her head on Shabbos, her only day home to rest (she worked) would make her very nervous. But we had a playroom in the front of the apartment and we taught the kids that when they woke up in the morning they should go into the playroom and that Shabbos afternoon they should also play int he playroom and not make noise in the bedrooms. We were excellent tenants. WE shoveled the steps and the walk. We made sure to put out the garbage and put the cans back and we always made sure that the side door was locked because she was paranoid. However, they did not give enough heat and HE told us to stuff the windows with newspaper. The kids would listen for the radiators to hiss in the evening so they could take a bath. But B”H it forced us to buy our first house.
When my first child was born I lived in the ground floor apartment and my landlord lived upstairs with already 5-7 kids. They did not give a hoot about the tenants. They made noise whenever. They did not inform us when a new baby arrived. I literally got up every time her baby cried because I didn’t know she delivered and thought it was my baby crying. At any rate, one day I was giving my baby a bath and I hear banging and banging upstairs and the lighting fixtures falls off in the bathroom barely missing myself and my baby. They had started remodeling upstairs and didn’t bother to tell us or give us any warning. It was not enough that the kids bounced the balls on our heads or played jumprope upstairs, they did construction on top of us without giving us the opportunity to move out for a month without paying rent. It was a disaster for us. More than that it was a nightmare.
I fully understand what Yogi feels.
I think people grow and mature each year and therefor they need to re-evaluate their lists. It seems that although they mature their lists don’t seem to budge much. But lists are not all that realistic. Just as they are not the same at 25 as they were at 18, their lists should not and do not reflect the same person they would need at 25 as they needed at 18. If someone wanted a “learning boy” at 18 and finds themselves at the age of 27 and still not married, then maybe they should rethink that. How many 30 somethings are still sitting and learning and not moved on to support themselves? I have a family member in this situation and it is painful to watch that the list hasn’t changed.
You have to be realistic at some point and look for a honest and true baal torah and mitzvos even if they are working who you can encourage to learn more. Who wouldn’t want a hiatus from their job to get in an extra year or two of learning? Or just someone who has really learned wholeheartedly and successfully and lives and breathes Torah in his daily routine? Once you hit a certain age, life becomes reality and you move on whether it is your dream or not.
The House of Dior did not have to fire him nor do so in such a swift manner. People are forgiving and they forget. They would NOT have lost their business if they would have kept him under suspension for 6 months until it died down, and no one would have known if he quietly went back to work.
So again KUDOS to the House of Dior of taken swift and precise action against this Jew hater!!!
Maybe the point is that he is telling HIS people not OUR people so THEY stop blaming us.
Eclipse, hope all is going well.
Willy, We can only advise you about what we have experienced ourselves or what we have done to help others. You can accept what we say or wave us off with excuses. After all you can only lead a horse to water but you can’t make him drink. Please excuse the analogy. You are not our client or patient and we don’t know your full history or story and we are NOT asking you to disclose it, we are just trying to be helpful according to the little bit that you told us. And from the little bit that you have revealed it sounds to many of us that you are stuck and need some help to move forward. We are NOT judging you nor do we wish to argue with you. NOT every therapist is a shidduch nor is every therapy a success at first. It all depends on how much the patient/client accepts what is offered and how much work they put into it. Of course that depends if they recognize the truth or if they deny what others see. In addition, if the patient/client does not feel comfortable with the therapist they chose they will never accept the proper help from them. That happens as well but one should not feel discouraged by that they should seriously consider finding another therapist that they feel more comfortable working with.
Whatever you choose and whatever you do, you should just know that people do care about you and love you and wish you well. Whatever is keeping you from moving forward is not an immovable force. You just need to define it and find a way to get around it. Hatzlocha rabbah!
There is no such thing as “most” guys. No one knows what the guy you happen to date likes unless the shadchan or he tells you. If you try to second guess you are always wrong. If you don’t wear enough make up they have a tanah about that; if you wear too much they have a tanah about that, if you curl your hair they like straight, if you straighten your hair they like hair with body, etc. You have to be yourself and do what you are comfortable with, take it or leave it.