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I agree that it is best to have as short an engagement as is possible. However, I believe that only you and your chosson/Kallah and parents involved can decide how often or not you should speak or see each other. Some couples are so shy with each other that they need to get to know each other to just feel comfortable with each other. Some are very friendly and comfortable already and parents might want them to NOT see each other too often or not alone.
I think WE can all agree that WE can always learn from everyone whether they are teen or adult and the only way we can appreciate that is if WE ALL learn to respect each other and be willing to listen to understand. Everyday is an opportunity to learn and you never know “WHO” can be the teacher.
Believe it or not, some people are going to be lonely on Purim. B”H, i won’t be although I will be missing some of the most important people in my life and even though I may be surrounded by others I may still feel lonely and alone. My point being, I am not the only one in my matzav and there are so many others with their own pekel that will feel the same way.
You are correct I would say the opposite is “bound” or “burdened”.
There is also an inyan of a Ruby which brings good luck. I gave my niece a Ruby ring before her younger sister’s wedding last May. She has just finished her Sheva Brochos! B”H, it worked for her. Maybe because it was mine (don’t call me I don’t have any more). But at any rate, Rubies are brought down to have special protective properties so they are beautiful and certainly can’t hurt.
Mod 80, yes but tochacha and discipline must be done with love and not anger. When done properly it is accepted properly. When done coldly, impatiently and with anger it is rejected.
Grandmaster, this is a very unusual question to be asking but lets look at the scenario. A very wealthy person who is a baal tzedakah cares about other people and does not want them to suffer and generously shares his wealth to help others. KEEP IN MIND that a wealthy person NEVER gives only 10% but usually gives generously so he goes above and beyond what is required of him.
NOW he is on the receiving end. Obviously a test for the community. How far will the community go to show Hakaros Hatov to the individual. He is NOT begging for mercy, the onus is on the community because it is a halacha. So would YOU want to see him suffer and move out of his home, the home that so many knocked on the door with their arms outreached? Would you want him to feel different in the eyes of the community than when he was on the top? Does he deserve to be lifted up at his lowest point or should the community decide that he doesn’t deserve to live like a king because HE can no longer afford it. That is the interesting question since when he WAS living like a king the community expecting him to share his wealth with them and help them as if he was a leader and head of the community. Is it his heart, chessed and generosity that made him the KING? Or was it only his bank account?
Did the OP ever respond to any of us?
binahyeseira & MW, the disconnection comes from NOT being taught the LOVE of Yiddishkeit rather being taught the Lav of Yiddishkeit. Everyone is so so busy teaching kids what they are doing wrong instead of teaching them or respecting them for what they are doing right! The best way to TEACH LOVE is with encouragement and positive energy not criticisms and negativity. There is no room for negativity when dealing with children. If you want children to love Hashem, love Yiddishkeit and Love learning you have to make it a loving experience, make it palatable and make it as sweet as heaven itself. The home has to be a symbol of the BEAUTY of yiddishkeit and NOT of how hard it is to be a Jew. The Yeshiva has to be a place where Yiddin are b’simcha and yiddishkeit is taught b’simcha. It has to be taught with love. Every mechanech has to be warm and caring. They have to be invested in the success of their students. It can’t just be a JOB for them. And if they goof and make a mistake THEY have to show that they are human and be accountable and responsible. IF they have to apologize do so. They can’t ignore an error just to teach you have to have respect for the mechanech. THAT backfires. Admitting you were wrong, apologizing and showing respect for the TALMID shows the talmidim that they must doubly respect the mechanech because they are being taught the true Torah Mode. They are taught that EVEN a Rebbe or a Rosh is only Human and NOT on the madreigah of Hashem and can make a mistake, correct it, and keep going. That is a very important lesson for children. Children are made to feel that if they make a mistake their life is over.
Some of us will NOT be able to participate the way we normally do and might just check in to see if anyone else is available. Don’t judge.
binahyeseira, yes I believe so. Your religion and spirituality is all tied up to your emotions. Having bitachon and emunah is tied up in your emotions. Your self-esteem and self-confidence is tied to your emotions. Your friendships, relationships, failures and successes are all tied to your emotions. In my experience when kids go OTD they are running away from who they are because they are hurting and they try to shed their own identity. First comes the tefillin, then the tzisis, then the kipah, then they are mechalel shabbos and then they eat treif. It happens in stages as they first try one thing then the other. But in the end when they finally return they realize that yiddishkeit is not just the levush or the rules. It is WHO they are inside and out. IT is all they know, it is what defines them and not what detracts from them. They can’t shed it because it is not an item or clothing or a thing. It is their mind, body and soul. It is their flesh and their shadow. In the end they realize that you can’t run away from who you are you must embrace it.
In the nail salon they do it for about $40 for 30 minutes.
I believe that if someone truly wants a job or a career they can figure out a way to do it.
chalilavchas, you hold them accountable and responsible for their actions. Firstly for waiting until the child got to that point before working with the child and addressing the issues. Secondly for assuming the fault and blame is with the parents and child and not doing a din v’chesbon on their own accountability and thirdly by holding them accountable for throwing the children out like garbage and not working with them and their parents or finding them a suitable transfer. Yeshivas who have been kicking kids out for minor infractions for years have not made their point at all. They are still kicking the kids out for the same minor infractions. Talking or texting to kids of the opposite sex should not warrant the ruination of the rest of their lives and the Rosh should NOT play G-d with their lives.
ALL yeshivas should have Guidance Counselors, even if they have to ask for volunteers from the community. Even if they have to ask for retired professionals to come in, or others who can give of themselves one day a week. Divide the students among the volunteers, but students need the ability to speak to someone in confidence. Students need the ability to have someone to discuss things with especially if they are feeling badly about themselves or a situation they don’t know how to handle. And consequences should fit the crime. You don’t ruin a child’s life for breaking the rules. There should be very good reason for throwing a kid out with no place to go. All those that do so will have to give a din v’chesbon to Hashem for all the lives they ruined. It is not so simple the achrius they own.
At the instant one has to make that decision you don’t have time to think and your instinct as a Jew is to save a fellow Jew so I think it is instinctive for a Man to be protective of others. For a woman to protect children. B”H I have never been in such a situation but psychologically speaking I think that is the most logical answer. From stories you hear about people stepping the street to save someone when a car is coming or something is falling from a building etc., that is my conclusion.
Love should always be unconditional that is the nisayon of a parent. It is a test. Hashem does not give you the gift of children with conditions. Love this child only if s/he is good and only if s/he listens to me and you. Cast them away if they don’t. Does Hashem cast US away if we don’t listen to HIM? Does Hashem stop loving us? Or does HE always give us the opportunity to do Teshuva and return??????
Hashem loves US unconditionally and we must learn from that. WE must love our children unconditionally. We don’t have to like what they are doing or approve of what they are doing but we love them unconditionally, no strings attached. They are still OUR children born to us, a gift from Hashem and we never, ever take that gift for granted. To do so would be to spit in the face of Hashem!!!! We NEVER ever give up on our children. We love them and we daven for them always and forever.
Anyone that is looking for the easy way out is gong to “hurt” someone else in the end. If you are going to do something do it right from the start. Be the best you can be at anything you choose and put ALL your effort into it.
Couch or sofa?
Dinner or Supper?
It is very relaxing and just what the doctor ordered.
Hashem gives everyone different gifts and talents. Look within and figure out what you like or what you are good at and then try to develop that or incorporate that into some field. If you are artistic or witty, you might go into graphic design or advertising and take courses for that or intern for that so you can get a job later on.
If you like working with your hands you might take courses for computer technician or mechanic or even carpentry. If you are musically inclined you might pursue something in the musical field, etc. If you do something you enjoy or you are good at, you will most likely be more successful at it.
Thanks mods, i’m blushing.
If there were rules in place you have to follow through. Whatever the consequences you set up, you must follow through on them. If you told your child beforehand that if you find them texting to the opposite sex you will take away the phone then that is what you must do. If you never spoke about it then this is the time to sit down and talk about it.
The talk will have to be appropriate to the child’s age. Discuss the rules of their school and the consequences, the home rules. Why you don’t approve, what the problems are. Ask who the other person is, how they know each other, if there are others? Ask to meet that person and speak to both of them and explain why you don’t approve even though you have nothing against the other child and you are sure s/he is a fine person, this is not the right time in their lives that they should be friends. Now is the time to concentrate on their education. Now is the time to establish good friendships with their classmates because they will soon be off to E”Y and they will soon be deciding who they wish to go with. Getting involved with each other even by text can lead to setting up meetings with each other and can ruin their chances for whatever they have planned for the future. They can get kicked out of school, they can lose their friends and so on. Is it worth it for this little bit of fun? They can be playing with fire and they don’t even know it.
Of course they are interested in seeing what its like to talk to each other, after all they are only human and Hashem has made them that way. It is the changes that are taking place in their bodies as they are growing and maturing and again that is Hashem’s way of slowing preparing them for when they will be fully grown and old enough and mature enough to get married. But not yet, they will have to ride the yetzer harah and have patience until the time is right. They will have to reign in their curiosity and interest and hold back, just like they hold back from turning on lights on Shabbos and trained themselves from eating milk after meat, they will have to train themselves to wait until the time is right and they are ready for shiduchim. Then they will be able to satisfy their curiosity date, figure out what’s going on and what type of girl/boy is right for them for their future. And no one will be in control of ruining their future at that time.
Princess123, what rules did you give your child when you gave the cell phone to begin with? What consequences did you put in place?
If these were rules you spoke about then you must give a consequence. If this was not something that you spoke about, then YOU should have. How old is the child? Is it a boy or girl? What were the conditions given with the phone?
If there is NO ACCEPTANCE on the part of the parents and that is one of the reasons he is going off because he is hurt and angry and does not feel unconditional love, then it is very possible that he may never return. So that might be a piece of the puzzle that you don’t know.
One of the best means of return is to love your child unconditionally and to forgive. A child no matter what age they are must know that you love them no matter what. No matter what choices they make you must love them and they must know it. We each have the power of bechira and we each might make good choices or bad choices but our children are our children no matter what they choose and if we slam the door in their face or we cut ties with them we are shoving them down the path of no return. If we show them our love, our unconditional love, we are preparing a path for them to come home to. The more we try to hang on to them and force them to be like us the more they are going to tug on the rope to be free and try it their way. The more slack that you give them to test the waters they will realize that the grass is not necessarily greener on the other side and that their parents love them so much and trusted them so much that they need to return to what they know is truth and not fiction.
Once a child starts off on their dark journey all you can do is love them and pray to Hashem. It is up to Hashem to work out his relationship with that child. For whatever reason he is going through that nisayon, and you are going through yours, it is in Hashem’s hands and the two of them need to work things out. When you said “Boruch shepatroni” you put the ownership of that relationship between Hashem and your child into their hands and they have to now work out the kinks.
However, if you and other family members turn your backs on them, slam the door in their faces, or make them feel like they are not wanted c”v, then where will they return when they have worked it out? To whom will they return to? You are only convincing them that they are right to leave and build a separate life away from you and the rest of their family and friends they have known their whole lives, basically everyone and everything they know.
If you know this family I would tell you to talk to them and tell them NOT to let their pain get in the way of their Child’s pain whatever it is. Ask them to learn to separate the two. Ask them if they love their child and if they do, they must show it before they lose him forever. Tell them to forgive him and to tell him that they love him no matter what and that he should stay in touch with them. That they are his parents and he will always be their son. Tell them they should write him a note he can take with him and he can read over and over again. These are the truths that will bring him back eventually.
I believe the “levush” is a sign that you are always dressed appropriately to stand before the king. Which in essence you always are.
I truly believe that lies tend to be revealed. The truth eventually comes out in one form or another.
Yes, I don’t think there is time to think about it, I think it would be a natural instinct to step in front of a child and protect them.
It is wrong to interrupt someone from their kavanah and davening for your own agenda. That is disrespectful and totally inconsiderate. If you want the mispallelim to be considerate of your situation then you have to have respect for them and be patient.
Sometimes you just need someone to talk to in a safe environment where what you say stays within those 4 walls. Sometimes you just need to feel that you have a support system in which you can say whatever is on your mind and it is a safe place for it to come out. Does that make sense to you?
That is a funny question. No you are not the only one and that is why you don’t get the answers and results you want WHEN you want it. Just because YOU are not the only one, YOU are NOT the only patient and you have no idea how the phone is ringing off the hook, how many lab reports they are chasing down, how much of a run-a-round they are getting from the lab etc.
You are always teaching us to have patience and to dan l’kaf zchus. Please listen to your own advice.
I don’t understand the purpose of having a second screen name. If you feel you gave out too much info why not just change your screen name and start over?
Sometimes you can get a good couch at a good price at the Macy’s Bloomingdales outlet. It usually carries returns and floor samples.
But wouldn’t maternal instinct take over and wouldn’t a women jump in front of “any” child? Isn’t it a woman’s instinct to save any child?
the first thoughts when you have a panic attack is usually “i can’t breathe” so getting into a good breathing pattern and concentrating on your breathing is a good way to STOP the panic attack in its tracks. It is also a good idea to take a walk around the block and get some fresh air. Walk into another room and speak to someone so your not alone and you get your mind off whatever was triggering you.
Lets get back on topic. Whether the parents are paying full tuition or none at all should have nothing to do with what the yeshiva offers in terms of what the students need. The yeshiva should be concerned with the success of EVERY child and that is what the board should concern themselves with. Whether the current slew of students who need this are in the low paying category or not, if it is needed that is a good enough reason to implement it. Do you know that in the future those that need it will NOT be full tuition students. These students are paving the way and opening the eyes of the board to a necessity in the school. WAKE UP and smell the coffee.
It would be a really interesting if you shot back and “who advised YOU to do that?”
Nope, the couples that i know and I have seen, I believe would have been better off otherwise.
I think that was an excellent idea bringing your own mechitza. How clever and honest of him. In addition how kind and generous of him to give you his seat just because you asked. On the other hand, you didn’t realize that other people ask for the isle seat for the same reasons you do. That is something to think about.
Mazal Tov! That is quite an accomplishment. I really respect you for that.
Oh please, the UN and the Arabs blame Israel for everything. Thank G-d for Peter King. Let him put the screws to the Muslims. Lets be real for a change. Yes there are some good Muslims who appreciate living in this country, but there are crazy fanatics who are blowing us up and people and property around the world. They don’t care about lives, not their own and not ours. So lets be clear on this. Let not let our guard down. Lets NOT be so stupid and lets NOT be so PC, better to be realistic and safe.
Feif Un, that’s amazing. How did you feel when you received the response. Did you think he would respond to you? Do you feel you have closure? Were you able to forgive him?
The problem with this is that you are probably repeating the incident in your head over and over. You are probably trying to analyze why that happened. In truth, you are not in control why that person did that. She was having a bad day? She was in a bad mood? She wanted to scream at someone else and you happened to be there? You can’t control others, just yourself. So why not just forgive her for having a bad day and let go of it. If you were not at fault, let it go and stop trying to figure it out. If you were at fault ask mechila and then you will be able to let it go.
Happiest, stay in control and “choose” not to give in to that old illness. Try to think about what is triggering your bad mood and think about how to deal with it or what you can do about it. If there is nothing you can do about it then chalk it up to “it is what it is” and tomorrow is a new day. If there is something you can do about, then think about what you can do in this situation to bring about a different outcome and avoid these bad feelings.
Please, oh please, I am being so good lately. May I please have a subtitle?
Health, unless a husband is willing to share 1/2 the responsibilities in the home he should never expect his wife to share half of the responsibilities in regard to the finances. If they share they should share everything. A husband cannot and should not expect their wives to be superwomen who can and should do it all. This unfortunately is the case in most situations and although there are many men here on this blog who are very caring and appreciative of their wives, it is not the norm.
Furthermore, when you try to do it all something eventually has got to give and in many cases that ends in depression, crashing in some way, choosing career over family where a women feels most appreciated, or any number of other issues. Believe me I tried it. In my case it manifested into many physical and medical issues. My surgeon told me (just as an example) “women were designed to carry babies, men were designed to carry everything else”. I use this just as an example that WE can’t do it all even though we would like to believe that we can. Although WE do wear many hats and some points we have to shut off the music and decide which hat we truly want to wear and who we really want to be.
Divorce is a sad commentary any way you look at it, but sometimes it is a necessary evil that heals rather than destroys. Sometimes it is the marriage that is destructive and the divorce that rebuilds.
My philosophy is “Make you marriage work for the sake of the kids, if there is no way you can, then make your divorce work for the sake of the kids”.
Hey I never got a subtitle, Mods, next time you give them out. Please put me on the list.
It is like name dropping. A reminder that I know this person that you know.
I have been doing wedding/bar mitzvah invitations for myself b”h, and family and friends for years. I always use excel for the master lists and merge with word for the labels and envelopes. I keep a master copy on excel and suggest that everyone keep a master list and make changes to that list as they get invitations from others. Keep that list current with changes of address, etc. Make a copy of that list for your current simcha and use that for the data base and name that your current child’s name. Use that one for sorting, inserting replies, etc.
When making the data base, use separate columns for title, male name, female name, last name, address, city, state, zipcode. It will be much easier to sort and make seating cards later. Even if you split the Title it will make it easier for the seating labels later. Even just for the purpose of finding someone a ride to the simcha, having the zipcode in a separate column is very helpful.
OK, that was my two cents worth of experience. Oh one more thing. If you are going to be putting the envelopes through the printer, MAKE SURE YOU DON’T BUY fancy large envelopes that will give you a hard time, in addition, you will want to have a smooth texture and not the lined ones the smears the ink.
Any job has considerations for a “breather” and a “bathroom” break. It is normal for a photographer who is also human to also have to eat, breathe, drink, sit or use the bathroom. Some even have to take a cigarette break. If you were a “paid” employee you would certainly be entitled to such a break, kal v’chomer a volunteer should not get anything less than a paid employee.