aries2756

The problem with getting caught up in the “looks” issue is that everyone has a different opinion of what good looking is. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Everyone has a right to get married even someone who is not so good looking. But what you might overlook when “looks” are at the top of your list is that you might be passing up the most wonderful person who’s midos far outshine his looks and maybe when you get to know him you will find his charm to be very appealing and it makes him quite handsome after all. Would you rather have a handsome man that treats you like his servant or a not such a good looking guy that treats you like a queen. Sometimes that is something worth considering.

Eclipse, I know that I don’t have to spell it out for you, YOU have a support system here. You can whine to us and blow off steam and ask for advice if you need to. We are here for you. You are going to ride the waves for a while so get yourself a surfboard you will need something to hang on to. But I guess we will do just as well if not better.

Take a deep breath and take it one day at a time, things can change on a dime and you have to be aware of the changes good and bad. If possible allow her friends to come over so you get to know them and so she doesn’t feel you are rejecting her or them. If they are by you then you know where they are. If you start talking to the boys and gain their respect they might have more respect for your daughter as well. If you are the good listener and the adult with the large shoulders and open heart, you might help more than just your own child. It is going to take some time and lots of baby steps. She didn’t go OTD overnight and she isn’t about to turn around overnight and she probably won’t trust you overnight either. So just hang in there and don’t give up. (just saying, I know you won’t).

Take a break, walk around the corner and come back to it. then just start putting it together and don’t fret it doesn’t have to be perfect. You have the ability to go back and polish it up. The important thing to do is just start. Do the “fun” part first so you get into it and leave the boring parts for last once you got your groove.

Isn’t she the baby that fell down a well?

eclipse, if she is smoking, drugs are either in the picture or will be soon. If nothing else then pot for sure. Girls don’t leave their home at 3:00am and stay out all night because they are eating milk and cookies. Furthermore, they are not sleeping over at their girlfriends’ home so taking her to a gyn might be a good idea. Discuss that with her. Let her know that you have questions since she hasn’t been living with you and you are not sure how long this has been going on. Let her know that you love her and want to make sure that she is healthy and does not expose herself to any health risks or pregnancy. YOU ARE her mother and YOU have to think straight and not have blinders on. Sorry that I have to bring this up, but it is quite obvious what is going on. Girls are looking for love, compassion and affection because of their dysfunctional situation and are confused so they turn to the boys thinking they will get it from them. Boys make the same mistake. There is an old song “looking for love in all the wrong places”. And it describes our kids at risk to the tee. She is looking for a sense of normalcy and in her world at the moment that is what is normal. Unfortunately neither she nor the rest of her group will know understand that it is not until they are much older.

There is nothing wrong with coming as long as they do the work. Some parents don’t like to leave home and they prefer that the kids come, but that shouldn’t mean that the elderly mother or even NOT so elderly should do all the work!

On the other hand, some of us parents are ready, willing and able to go to our kids for Yomim Tovim.

An exercise that works to calm someone especially in an anxiety attack is to try to hold hands look straight into their eyes and ask the person to breath with you. Then do deep breathing by breathing in through the nose hold for the count of 3 and then release slowly through your mouth. As s/he concentrates on following your breathing pattern s/he will calm down because whatever was triggering them will be replaced by this concentration.

Ofcourse, my niece just got married at Tiferes Mordechai. To tell you the truth I didn’t love it because it is not up to MY standards. But it was fine. It is pretty. It was clean and the food was excellent. It is small and there are things they need to work on, but the problem was NOT really with the caterer it was with the baalas simcha. She invited too many guests and did not have enough seats for them because the Hall and caterer does not allow for it. HER head was on her previous weddings yet her budget was on this one. So again, the onus is on the parents.

I recommend you read the book “Choice Theory” by Dr. William Glaser. You would be very surprised to find out how much of what we do and what we experience is a matter of choice, and how we can Choose to do and react differently to what is going on around us.

For me its a toss up between Wolf and Eclipse. I can always count on them to be the voice of reason.

TT, why are the caterers at fault? They deserve to make a living the same as everyone else. They have expenses as well. Just because the price is high that doesn’t mean they are making a fortune. Shop around and choose a caterer and a venue you can afford.

If you want a fancy wedding then you have to pay the price. Why should YOU be treated like a Queen if you don’t want to pay for it? If you want ordinary prices then realize that YOU are an ordinary person that can’t afford extraordinary frills. Its as simple as that. If you pay $10,000 for a Kleinfeld gown, then why should the caterer have rachmonus on you? Or the band or the photographer for that matter? Keep it simple all the way around and you won’t go overboard. Go overboard and you will drag everyone with you.

I have been to many a plain wedding with silk flowers in a small hall with a cold smorg, etc. And guess what? The couple are still married, with a beautiful family!!!! Isn’t that the point????? I have also been to these fancy weddings where the parents blew $50,000 and upwards on a wedding that didn’t last a year. Guess what it had nothing to do with the kids. It was a beautiful, enchanting evening out for my husband and me, and all my friends at the expense of the hostess. It could have been a holiday get away, or a vacation with a dress up night, or a fancy ball, a presidential dinner, or whatever but again, it had very little to do with the bride and groom.

If you already asked the sheila, what was the answer?

I agree with flyer, lets take the blame off the “kids”. Kids don’t ask for a huge wedding, only that their friends are there. They don’t have 250 couples, they usually have 10 to 15 couples. The rest are the parents’ guests. The kids want a dance floor so the wedding is lebedig. Other than that they don’t get involved in the hall. Again that is the parents’ business. So lets address the adults here. Whom are you trying to impress, seriously.

Why do you have to make the wedding of YOUR dreams? Why do YOU have to invite everyone you know and then some? Why do YOU have to top your sister, neighbor and friend in shul? Or even try to do the same thing? Look at your own finances and how close your own next simcha is and stay within your own budget. Go to a gmach for gowns if you can’t afford to buy them. Use less expensive flowers if you want real ones or go to a gmach that arranges to get flowers from a simcha the night before. Invite only the have to’s and leave the want to’s for the chupa or dessert. Although the music is very important the pictures are the only thing that lasts forever (along with the marriage) so invest where it is important to invest. And NO it is not necessary or even important to keep the liquor flowing. You don’t need an open bar. Wine is enough you don’t have to serve alcohol which is again a huge expense. You don’t have to have 10 hot dishes at the smorg but do keep in mind that people are coming hungry from work, and you should feed them.

You don’t have to serve a 5 course meal, and chicken will do. You also don’t have to give out fancy benchers. You can use standard tablecloths and dishes. And guess what, no one will remember. They will only remember how amazing the Choson and Kallah were.

Mikehall, I tip my hat to you!!!

Oh please, I just checked out the photos of the vandalism. This wasn’t a bus shelter. This was on a building. These heroes climbed up on a soda machine to actually reach this advertisement and even spray painted the faces of the models. They were wearing clothes, tops, dresses and pants, not underwear or bathings suits which is what one can assume from their actions. This whole entire billboard could have been ignored since one has to look up to see it. This was completely done out of mischief and not out of heroism. They are wrong and should be punished. They are no better than graffiti artists defacing other people’s property.

If you paint over a billboard don’t you think people will go closer to take a look at what was covered up? Ignoring it, or covering it with a tarp, or calling the company asking them to exchange the ad with a children or men’s clothing ad would have served the community better.

What they did was draw more attention to it and give H&M more publicity.

Try role reversal. Move to Lakewood and have the kids support you. I have news for you. I did not support my kids and when my third married child bought his house and my friend called to give me mazal tov, I told her what is the mazal tov for? I have 3 kids with mortgages I am never going to sleep again!!!!!!!!!!!! And don’t think we didn’t go through the wringer 2 years ago when the economy crashed. Two of my kids were at risk of losing their homes. Its no joke. B”H they are back on their feet again, but for a long time we were very, very scared.

There is nothing you can do but let them suffer through it. You can’t spread yourselves so thin that you will go into debt or put yourselves into an early grave. If they can’t afford it they can’t have it. Let them learn to deal with it and stop looking at what others have. “Live the Torah life and don’t be mekaneh other people. If Hashem wanted you to have what they have he would have made you them and them you.” Tell them to get chizuk from the Rosh Yeshiva or be mispallel for what they want.

I was always the “youngest” and had to sit on the backwards seat. It made me car sick!

PBA, here is another little tidbit for you. When you are invited to a bris, the seats that are set up are also meant for the “Adults” and not for the kids who’s parents seat them leaving adults standing. Same goes for a kiddush in shul where parents have the chutzpah to seat their children and become oblivious to the adult invited guests who have no where to sit.

Although children are important and special too, they are NOT the first to be considered in these cases. They are young and have the koach and were-with-all to stand through it or sit on their own parents’ laps.

And just to satisfy your curiosity, yes, I would have had no problem asking Esther to have her daughter switch seats with me if I found the other seat too uncomfortable. As Esther said herself, her daughter is very petite and would have had no problem sitting in a seat facing the wall. Esther was being a bit stubborn which she herself admitted. It was as simple as just moving down a seat and there would have been no incident at all. WE women do it all the time in shul. It is NO big deal and that is why this whole story was so upsetting. Young women don’t usually have a makom kavuah but many older women do and WE usually respect that. Other than that, we are always moving around accommodating or just depending on who is there. So being stubborn about a seat is NOT the norm for women and I am sure that the older woman was a bit surprised by Esther’s response.

By the way PBA, is this how you raise your children? Is this what you would have done? My kids and grandkids would give up their seat for an older person even if it meant they would stand!

Well maybe it is because I said I was appalled, or in the way you are reading it not in the way that I wrote it. Try reading it again without the defensive attitude. In addition, why do you say that the other woman was bullying her? Where did you get that because she said that you can’t save the seat? Maybe she felt Esther was being disrespectful and bullying her by saying she is saving the seat for a child.

I stand by what I said. The older woman WAS in the right and I will take it one step further. If your mother was the older woman and came home and told you that this is what happened to her what would you say? “I was in shul and told this young mother that I would like to sit down and she said she was saving the seat for her child. But the other empty seat was facing the wall, so I chose to sit down anyway and figured she would seat her child in the other seat. Would you believe she had the chutzpah to put her child on my lap? I couldn’t believe the nerve of this young woman, and in shul none the less”. What would you tell your mother that she was wrong or that the young woman should have moved over and tell her child to sit in the empty seat? Be honest here. And go even one step further, ask your RAV who was right and who was wrong. I would be very interested to hear what he says, seriously.

You may think that I am over the top but what do you call putting your child on someone else’s lap? Is THAT not over the top? Have you ever done that? What would YOUR child feel like? Would they feel like you are sticking up for them or would they feel mortified? The same way that she put her child on the corner of that woman’s seat she could have placed her on the corner of her own seat or not embarrass her and moved over and allowed her to place herself on the seat. Or as stated before just switch seats to begin with and the child could stand up to see her father at any time. Why would you or anyone think that the child would have the same or more right than the adult just because she got there first? Does she deserve special treatment because her father was laining? Well my son-in-law lains twice at night and twice in the morning every year plus every shabbos and yom tov and even HE doesn’t get special treatment nor does he expect it.

OK, so I am older and of a different generation so does that mean what I was taught doesn’t apply any longer? What I taught my kids doesn’t apply any longer? The rules of derech eretz and respect your elders doesn’t apply any longer? What exactly did that woman do wrong? She wanted to sit on an empty seat that a young woman was holding for her child who was obviously much younger than the elder woman. What exactly was wrong with the woman expecting the younger woman to accommodate? Nothing. What exactly would it have cost Esther Malka to accomodate? Nothing. Why did this incident have to take place. No reason. What good came out of it? Nothing. What bad came out of it? Obviously bad feelings all the way around. What can we learn from this? You will have to figure that out individually for yourselves. This was NOT a good way to teach a 10 year old child to stick up for themselves. Next time you want to teach your daughter such a lesson it would be better off taught on the playground with children her own age.

jonas, they sell affordable children’s clothes and affordable coats, hats, shoes, and yes even skirts and tee shirts. Much more affordable than the stores in the neighborhood. They sell all kinds of things, you don’t have to buy things that are not tznius. So yes the women in the neighborhood do shop in the store. So if you don’t know what you are talking about maybe you shouldn’t be talking.

No one has the right to deface another person’s property. You do however have the right NOT to look and to boycott the store or the owner of the property in question. You also have the right to call either one with complaints. As far as covering it up, that is also an option, probably not legal but less problematic. Anyone has a right to advertise anywhere. AND for your information there are a lot of people even in Boro Park who do shop at H&M. So whether the ad was appropriate or not, the store was IN their targeted market and they do have a right to advertise there. Whether or not the owner of the spot should have reviewed the ad or should have the right of approval is another story altogether and maybe the community should take that up with them.

The Bochurim who took matters into their own hands should be punished and explained what they did wrong. The ad costs the advertiser a lot of money and THEY should be compensated.

At times when you are unhappy you do something that makes you happy and if shopping makes you happy then go shopping. However, which part of shopping is the high for you, the act of trying on clothes or the act of “spending the money”. If trying on the clothes makes you feel good about yourself then go ahead and do it. Fill your cart with all sorts of items but then before you get to the register choose just one thing, the favorite of the day and tell yourself “I deserve something special” and feel good about yourself and doing something nice for yourself. It really isn’t necessary to buy everything and then feel bad later. If the high is in “spending” the money then remind yourself that you did spend money on yourself by purchasing that special item for yourself. Appreciate the moment and the purchase.

It isn’t necessary to go overboard and ruin the experience by having to feel guilty later. Train yourself to respect yourself and appreciate the experience. YOU deserve to “gift” yourself and “treat” yourself to nice things and special days. So go ahead and have a treat to make yourself feel better just don’t go overboard.

2qwerty, just as he gave to the community before, he would NEVER want to be a burden to the community at any time that is because his generosity doesn’t stop just because his luck has turned. His heart is still always going to be “gold” and his spirit is always going to be one with Hashem. So if the community does what they are supposed to do, HE too will do right by the community.