aries2756

Health, one thing I agree is that they didn’t see through his disguise before the marriage and that is what young girls fear, the other not so much. That happened to you but that is NOT the norm, it can happen by either spouse and by meddling in-laws and friends. But for whatever reason a couple go the divorce route, if there is no pre-nup in place, whether it is the husband or his very foolish or greedy advisors they can ruin a woman’s life forever. That is something every young woman knows and can be very afraid of.

This is a problem every year in every store. The pesach isles are open as well as the chometz isles. The refrigerator is mixed with Pesach and non-pesach products with a sign that everyone should check the labels. This is very confusing but much easier for the store than separating sections for Pesach two or three weeks early. It would be more beneficial for the Olam if stores would NOT put out Pesachdik products until they divided the fridge, separated the isles, and put the Pesach signs up.

It is better to deligate one fridge and post a sign “Passover Only” for those who do not wish to check every label, such as children shopping for their moms or even husbands who are NOT used to shopping. And NOT put end of the isle Passover products in any other place than the Passover isles because it confuses the Olam when one end has Passover specials and inside the isle has chometz or the next isle end has chometz.

Health, I believe it is NOT really a lack of maturity, it could be the fear that if it doesn’t work out they can be held hostage as an agunah for the rest of their lives. I like to suggest to chassanim and Kallas to sign the prenup but many people frown upon it. When a couple love each other or at least like each other very much before they marry, they should care enough about each other to sign the prenup in regard to giving and accepting a get in case it doesn’t work out. That is the best thing for all concerned. Why wouldn’t a man agree at that time when he cares about his Kallah to give her a get if it doesn’t work out. Nice young men can turn into monsters when it comes to giving a get. For no reason at all they can become very vicious when it comes to giving a get.

MW, you want to argue with me but I don’t want to argue with you. I brought down points that were discussed in the other thread but you want to credit them to me personally.

This one thing I will tell you which is my shita. You don’t give tochacha to someone you don’t know because in order to give tochacha or help someone to make a correction you have to know that they will appreciate what you tell them and they will make the correction. If they will not listen and make the correction YOU are NOT allowed to give the tochecha because it makes their “knowledgeable” action worse. That is why it is so very important WHO gives the tochacha, HOW it is given and to WHOM it is given. So NO you can’t just go over to a person in the street and try to “HELP” them. YOU can’t just give someone you don’t know your words of wisdom.

There was a very frum older woman in BP who used to walk over to every young woman and any woman and point to their open collar and tell them to close their top button. Most women did NOT appreciate it. They left their top button open because they wanted to and they did not close their top button because she told them too. So did her tochacha help or harm? Was she doing the right thing? Even is she said it nicely like “you forgot to close your top button”. The response was not “thank you” it was “no I didn’t”.

Of course its eaten, its the best desert.

It is just so annoying and hurtful to see yidden not being YIDDEN and not behaving the way YIDDEN are supposed to behave. How can moshiach come when there is so much selfishness and cruelty among us? It is so easy to just be accepting and loving of our fellow Jews.

Again, Mw13, WE have discussed this inside and out. I have stated many of the items that was brought to the surface in previous discussions and that is why I suggested that you go back to those threads and read them. There is really no reason to do this over again, when it was reviewed chapter and verse bringing down many sources for both perspectives. I posted some of the things I remembered from that thread. As mentioned before it was thoroughly reviewed and there is a lot to learn from reviewing it, seriously, I wasn’t joking. I am NOT interested in arguing the points with you, line by line or otherwise, all these points were dissecting before by many posters.

Mw13, firstly 2 is not a majority. Secondly we have been through this discussion many times before, this is not the first thread so you might want to look up the other threads that were started, heated up and then closed. Tochacha is supposed to be given ONLY from a proper authority and only if the person will gain and listen. That is why a proper authority is needed. It is NOT to be given if the person will ignore it and keep doing the aveirah anyway. It is a true balancing act and therefore a reason NOT to get involved and butt into things that are not your business. It is best left to rabbonim and people that are close to the individual or at least know them and know their circumstances who know how to guide them in the right direction. It should never be given in a “negative” or “critical” way but in a way that is positive and guiding. There was a lot of information given back and forth in those discussions, it pays to review them.

Really, this is nothing to joke about. Some kids are very innocent and naive and they can actually be extremely terrified. Sometimes they hear horror stories of the wedding night from their friends which is really a cruel thing to do and so they don’t know better and if they don’t have a good person to talk to and help them have a better understanding they can really freak out. This can be very serious and very damaging to a young person either boy or girl. If that happens to be the issue.

On the other hand if she has a fear of the chassan himself, because of something he said or did, or something she found out about him, she really must talk it out with her parents or someone she trusts to help her figure out if she should move forward of call it off. She needs to know if it is just nerves or if it is her inner voice telling her to be smart and not make a mistake.

I don’t know and I bow to the halachic experts on this one. But I did here something today that did disturb me and I thought I would share it with my friends on the CR. I was at the nail salon when I heard some young women speaking. They were speaking about Gebruchts vs. non-gebruchts and how it is just a minhag and one said that she used to go to Gateways and she didn’t hold from non-gebruchts so she put matzah in her soup anyway. So how do people who are makpid on keilim go to hotels for Pesach? I was quite appalled so I joined the conversation and told her that people who wish to broch at a non-gebrochts hotel are supposed to “ask” for plastic dinnerware so they do NOT ruin the keilim for the other guests. THAT is how it is done. One needs to be considerate of the other people. The caterer and the olam that go assumes that the people who choose to go to a non-gebrochts hotel follow the shita of non-gebrochts and respect the minhag vis a vis the dining room and the keilim. It is those who choose NOT to follow the OLAM and majority that are there who need to ask for special accommodations and they will be accommodated.

She looked at me shocked and said “it is NOT my problem” so I told her it certainly was her problem because the assumption is that everyone who comes is following the “rule of the minhag of the caterer” to break the rule is rude and unacceptable and causes problems for the rest of the olam when a problem need not arise and you could be accommodated to do as you wish with disposable keilim.

Her respnse was, why would anyone who brochs understand the minhag of NOT broching? I told her that you learn that in school when you learn the dinim and minhagim of Pesach. That is part of the standard curriculum. Am I crazy? Do they NOT teach this in school? Is it possible that young women and men today to not understand these very important customs? Is it normal that someone will have a meal in someone else’s home and just do as they wish possibly giving someone else a heart attack? I just can’t believe this is true.

TBT is on the mark, spend whatever is necessary before the wedding, it will cost a lot less than what you have to spend to get a “get”. No one should have to be talked in to marriage. If the Kallah has serious doubts about the chassan then she should NOT be forced into the marriage. It is a disaster waiting to happen and she should speak ONLY to a qualified person to hear her out and help her out.

However, if she has nervous qualms about marriage or intimacy, she should also speak to a qualified person to hear her out and help her out, because that has nothing to do with a good guy. It has only to do with the fears of the unknown and inexperienced and she needs to have her questions answered by a sensitive and caring person.

composer, what is she scared of? Is she scared of “getting married” or is she scared of her future husband. Those are two different things. If she is having doubts about her chassan, she should talk to her parents and maybe a therapist. If she is scared of “getting married” she probably does not want to discuss that with her parents and maybe she needs to go back to her Kallah teacher or a very close friend who can calm her down.

binahyeseira, I interchanged the words “young person” and “child” throughout my comment to make a point. From OUR perspective they are children taking babysteps into adulthood especially when they are afraid or needy. They are also young adults and deserve to be treated like a young adult. Whichever way we perceive them we still need to treat them with respect. From their perspective they are already adults.

We need to understand that they come here looking up to us for our knowledge and experience, just as a child to a parent.

Is that all you got from my comment?

When a young person comes here to vent there worries or concerns and people do not think twice of whom they are making fun of? They don’t feel for the needs of a child? They don’t understand the sensitivity needed to speak to a child no matter what the age? Just because s/he is old enough to post here does not absolve you from your obligation to be kind, gentle, caring, sensitive and understanding to a young person.

Many of you blast others for speaking about certain topics saying there are children that come here too, but then others have the nerve to write off a child as if they were older and wiser and can take a hit like their buddies and pals. SHAME ON YOU for chasing away a child who does not feel she has someone to turn to and confide in. SHAME ON YOU!!! It is NOT your job to analyze her or figure out what is going on in her heart or mind. If you can’t help move to another thread. If you can help, offer valid advice. Not everyone is meant or cut out to help everyone, help those you can and leave those you can’t alone. Don’t make their lives or their situations worse. And please, don’t meddle with kids, you don’t know how much you can hurt or effect them.

Reb Wolf, for me. Always the voice of reason.

I believe what they mean is they want someone with a “plan”.

TBT, in your over-zealous need to argue with me you assumed too much. I did NOT say in any way that the sons “molested” their mother. I said they abused her, and they did. It came out in court. The father YMW is in jail today. It is all public knowledge previously discussed on this blog.

put on the shower and go in the bathroom with the baby. Sit in there for a while so the steam helps the baby breathe. Use a cold air vaporizer in baby’s room. Depending on how old the baby is, you can use a nasal aspirator very gently or possibly vick’s vapo rub. Call your own pediatrician.

I never heard the term “ambient abuse”, it is a modern term for gaslighting which is a well known term for someone undermining someone else’s self-confidence, self-esteem sense of self making them believe they are crazy, incapable and basically losing their minds. For instance lets say you put your keys down on the desk and you are pretty sure that you did but you find it in the fridge. You rack your brains to remember how and when you put them in the fridge. You think it is odd, your spouse tells you that you must be under a lot of stress, so don’t worry about it. Then other strange things happen and he seems very supportive but you begin to feel you are losing your mind. HE is setting you up to feel you are losing your mind and HE is actually moving your keys and creating the scenarios that are making you freak out. He is making you feel like you are losing your mind which causes you to feel incapable and unsure of yourself. This causes you to feel weak and depressed. Which makes him the hero for caring for you, and he gains all the sympathy for having a crazy wife or a wife that is going crazy.

It can go as far as making someone lose their mind and force them into a psyche ward.

I usually make pesachdik sweet and sour meatballs bedikas chametz night. It tastes very good and I make a double recipe so I freeze it and have it for one night chol Hamoed.

WE are NOT liberal. WE are expressive!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!:)

Eclipse is not the only spouse that has been burnt. There are many such stories and there are many children who have ignored and disrespected a parent because they have been brainwashed. WE don’t know what the future holds fore Eclipse and her children so don’t be so quick to judge what she should and shouldn’t do in the future. As I said, everything is in Hashem’s hands. And IF the time comes, when her children will need to know the truth if the future. Again I say IF and again I say in the future, not when they are young but when they are old and wise and need to have more wisdom then Hashem will lead them to the truth, but the truth needs to be available.

Please do not forget about the case nebech where the father molested the daughter and not only abused the wife but had the sons abuse her as well. He brainwashed all the children against her and took them all away from her. She is now remarried and I hope one day they will all ask mechilah from her and remember the truth about both their parents. The truth about the evil father and the battered, bruised, humiliated and abused mother.

It is NOT so simple TBT as you say. YOU don’t know what goes on in the mind of an abuser. YOU don’t know what thoughts he can plant in the mind of impressionable children. He can tell them that Eclipse didn’t want them and that is why he took them to raise them. He can tell them that she was crazy and he saved them from her. YOU don’t know. Therefore she must write it down because they are not going to confide in her what he says to them, and one day they might want to know the truth and the truth has to be available to them because they might want to ask mechila from their mother. It goes so much deeper than the surface.

Hey guys, some of you should take a good look in the mirror. Girls don’t want fatsos either! But they don’t ask if the boy is a 38 or 42. They don’t say the largest boy they will go out with is a 42 tall or 36 waist do they? Why is it that Shadchanim have no qualm presenting a 42 inch waist to a size 0 girl. That is enough to crush her and make her stop breathing. So why doesn’t everyone take a reality check here? Boys and girls are no different in that area. Everyone wants a good looking and healthy looking spouse. But if a guy is looking for a size 0 girl you had better know that she is looking for a 32 in waist. So just as you guys expect the girls to diet, you had better give up your bagels and doughnuts as well and hit the gym.

Furthermore, for all you genius guys out there. Guess what happens when your tiny wives become pregnant? They can gain anywhere from 25 – 50 lbs and not all of them are going to lose all that weight. And if they have another one the next year they are going to add another 25 – 50 lbs. Get the message? A size 2 can become a size 8 or 10 very quickly if not larger. And if you have a healthy appetite and she is cooking to your heart’s desire, she might just join you or keep up with you. What then, she might just start fitting into your pants.

So both young men and young women, parents and shadchanim have to have a better outlook on this situation as well as mechanchim and Roshei Yeshivas. As for you don’t lose weight to get a shidduch, lose weight because you need to be healthy for yourself and you need to feel good about yourself. If you like yourself at this weight then embrace yourself and your body and be happy for who you are.

Pumper, everyone was once single. And everyone had to go through their own nisayon to find their bashert. Sometimes twice. It only looks easy from the outside and no one knows what goes on behind closed doors. Not everyone has a happy marriage or an easy marriage.

So the best thing to do to keep your spirits up is to remember that Hashem is by your side and the right one will come at the right time. Count your blessings in the mean time and do what YOU need to do to get your end result. Many young women found that if you daven for someone else to find their bashert, and they daven for you, both your prayers get answered.

Some people can just go on auto-pilot. Not everyone. But men can be one dimensional and compartmentalize. They don’t necessarily think about ten different things and ten different tasks at the same time. So when they look at one tax return that is all that they see. While when you look at one tax return, your mind might wonder to 10 others,or a list of 10 other things you need to do.