Forum Replies Created
-
Posts
-
There is no room for negativity when dealing with children, surround them with positive energy!
Somehow I don’t find this thread amusing!
What do you think will happen with kids sitting on the fence right now after the Agudah’s declaration to the mental health community? Number one don’t trust Rabbis, Number two don’t trust therapists.
What do you think they will feel about anyone who agrees with Zweibel?
Yup, he puts Obama to shame.
And the rest? Jewish females?
I will add just one thing. Let someone give the baby a relief bottle whether you pump it or give her formula, but allow yourself to get into a deep sleep and a long stretch of time. Just you and your pillow and no distractions from anyone. YOU need sleep, real sleep, not just rest, you need real, deep sleep. Mazel tov.
Photographs can sometimes be useful as well as an article of clothing that has the person’s smell on it. Being able to visualize the person and feel the person via the smell can be calming and help lessen the anxiety. Breathing techniques while looking at the photo and smelling the article of clothing will help ground the person and keep the anxiety at bay.
One thing I can tell you that too many young people got caught up in. If you play games or find something that is too good to be true, it will come back to haunt you. Stay on the straight and narrow, go by the book. It will take longer to get where you are going but you will always be on solid footing.
The first thing you need to do is build good credit. That means don’t have a lot of credit cards just one or two and pay your bills on time. Don’t fall for the store gimmicks with the 15% off when you sign up. Mortgage lenders do NOT want you to have 15 credit cards. Yes department store cards are considered credit cards. So stick to the minimum.
#2. Pay your parking tickets on time. That will come up when you are being researched for a loan. If you have outstanding parking tickets or other DMV issues you will NOT get the loan.
The next thing is to save as much as you can and then do not go overboard. Look within your budget even though you would love to do more. If you can’t afford a house you might be able to afford a co-op or condo that will build equity. That might be a stepping stone for you. You might want a one family but that might not be feasible for your budget and an income property might be the way to go so what you want versus what you need is something you should figure out with a financial advisor.
In addition be realistic about what you can live with and what you really have to do. Remodeling is not only very expensive it is draining. It is never what the estimate or contract states. You will always want to do more and you have to figure in hidden and unexpected costs. So even though you hate the bathroom or kitchen as long as it is functional stick with it if remodeling does not fit into the budget for now. Use your own resources to make it feel more like home. Paint it yourself if you can’t stand the color. Wait a year or two to recover some financing before redoing the kitchen. Be creative with new towels, curtains, etc to camouflage what you don’t like. The space and location is more important than the look. Look at the bones of the house rather than the decor. You will be surprised how much you can do on your own. I learned to wallpaper all by myself in one of my apartments.
You can get a great deal on something ugly but something that has great bones. My first house was considered the “haunted house” on the block. It was empty for a while, the paint was peeling off on the inside, the garage was falling apart. No one wanted it, it was being sold by the court, etc. What I saw was a 40×100 lot in Flatbush. A completely detached house with a private driveway and a 3 bedroom with an attic which could be a 4th bedroom. My mom a”h told me I would be sorry if I bought it. I was never sorry and SHE was so proud of my house she told everyone they should be as smart as me.
Was it the perfect house? My dream house? Exactly what I wanted? No, of course not. But it was a great first house for my family and gave us room to grow. We lived there for ten years and it tripled in value. Which gave us the base we needed for our current house.
I see things but I can’t say because the moderators don’t post it.
No, they will get their fare share in their bill and their commission respectively.
mybat, Mazal Tov!!! Tizku L’mitzvos!
Yes it is customary to speak to the boy first. And yes the boys get hurt too, but since the boys get more calls than the girls, there is a much higher risk of the girls getting hurt much more often.
Listening to the lyrics of the music the child is listening to can clue you in to trouble before it starts. If kids are listening to music about drugs you had better beware and start to discuss drugs with them. If they are listening to music about suicide you had better pick up on that and look for signs of depression in your child. Sometimes what they are listening to is indicative of their mood and underlying issues.
Really, shlishi, how old are you that you remember only the Kallah wearing a gown? When I was a kid I wore a gown to my cousin’s wedding and so did my mom and her sisters who were aunts, so did the sister of the bride and the sister of the Chosson as well as both mothers. That was 45 years ago. And that was an extremely yeshivish wedding. As a matter of fact that chosson is still sitting and learning till this day. A father of 15 and a grandfather of…………………
You have to pick your battles. Going to war over small issues especially when kids are sitting on the fence is like putting your foot on the middle of their back and shoving them in the wrong direction.
It is important to respect your child and love him/her no matter what. Love the child no matter what you feel about what they are doing. Love the child unconditionally. That is the point. If the child is listening to secular music, ask them which group they are listening to. Ask them to turn the volume down so you can hear it too. Ask them what they like about it and sit down and listen. Is it the melody or the words. Ask them what is it about the melody or the words they find enjoyable or they are connecting too. Discuss it with them.
It is better to be “in it” and be a part of what is going on than have them be in a bubble with you on the outside. If you are involved they might open up or you might have a clue as to what is going on and what is troubling them. If you fight them on it, you become the enemy, the one who refuses to understand and then you shut the door on communication with them.
I would rather my son-in-law do what he chooses to do and I would much rather stay out of it!
The way to get offer a fear is to face it and conquer it. The first thing you need to do is to sign up for driving lessons at a professional school where the instructor has a duo foot break and sometimes even a duo steering wheel.
Once you start your lessons you will realize that the fear comes from the unknown and that you will be more comfortable behind the wheel than in the passenger seat. Driving is freedom. It is a huge accomplishment and gives you the freedom to go as you please and to be the one who does the chessed.
Pac-Man time to turn the tables.
Are you male or female?
What stage of life are you, married or single?
If married, married with kids or just starting out?
If married with kids, young kids or are you marrying them off?
If marrying them off are you a grandparent yet?
Just asking. And BTW “housewife is so yesterday, “homemaker” is the correct title.
always here, I am hoping that he takes a look at what his opportunities are and doesn’t just give up and stay stuck in a job he doesn’t love because he feels thats the best he can do. That is really sad. We can always try to strive for better and can always find the help to move us forward. Considering the fact that Goq is an older Bochur and truly wants to find happiness in marriage and family, I would hate to think that he is giving up on himself and not consistently working to improve his lot in life.
We once had a thread about what to say to people looking for shidduchim. Do you confront them and show them that they are really not doing their utmost in presenting themselves as a good prospect? Or do you just shrug your shoulders and sigh with them about their problem? I believe that Goq could do more to be a happier individual, a more productive financial provider and a better shidduch prospect if he changes his attitude about “its the best I can do”. Even when we think we hit the top, we still keep going to try and elevate ourselves even further.
One should do for a husband what one would do for anyone else they love, respect, admire and appreciate but take it one step further.
Pac-Man, I don’t know how old you are or what you have experienced but your knowledge is lacking. IT is NOT halacha by any means. If it were then the likes of the greatest Rabbonim such as Reb Moshe Feinstein, Rav Avrohom Pam, Reb Yaakov, the Lubavitcher Rebbe, etc. would insist that this “halacha” be followed or they would not be mesader kedushin for the couple. OK is that enough for you? It is a minhag/custom/shita whatever you want to call it according to where you come from, which group you belong to etc.
Many of us “married” women here on the CR did NOT cover our hair till the next morning according to our own customs and guidance from our own Rabbonim.
YoYo, people have different natures. Some people do stare, some people look. Someone’s look to another can be exaggerated into a stare. Friends can do that in their immature excitement. What I would suggest to you is that you take it all in stride. If you are a pretty girl consider it a compliment. If your friend says something tell her your not interested so just ignore it. If you do, she will soon stop telling you about it and the two of you will pay more attention to what your talking about then who you think is staring at you.
Goq, what is holding you back from doing better? Everyone can learn a trade, improve their skills, go back to school, etc. Whatever one needs to do. So is there something or someone standing in your way from doing better for yourself? Is there a reason why you can’t learn something new after work that will help you do better in the future?
If I wasn’t home then they went to the neighbors. After my youngest was born I had a housekeeper.
Goq, you haven’t answered the other part of my post. Why stay where you feel unappreciated and not respected and where they don’t pay you well. Why not look for something more rewarding and something that will give you a better financial footing for shidduch purposes?
Thanks haifa girl. Pac-man, covering your hair the chupah is a minhag not halacha.
Honestly if you truly want to know whats with the OTD teens talk to them directly and stop talking about them. Stop assuming, stop thinking you know why, stop looking in from the outside. Go have a sit down, offer them dinner or lunch and ask them why is this happening. Most of them will give it to you in a one word sentence “HYPOCRISY”.
Mike, I have seen too much alcohol abuse especially in kids and in young marrieds. It is pretty ugly and very dangerous. So yes, I like to leave it to Shabbos kiddush and special occasions.
Goq, “everyone” feels like a non-entity at some point for some time in their lives. Everyone goes through different nisyonos and some point in their lives. We are all tested and we all have to ride the waves and weather the storms. Everyone including me, I can write a book of all my ups and downs, or rather downs and ups. No one is immune.
However, if you feel that way you have two choices. You can choose to rise above it and not let it get to you. Or you can choose to find a job that is more satisfying and fulfilling for a man of your age. Maybe it is high time that you felt the urge of confidence and you looked for something where you felt respected and appreciated. In addition a job that paid better wages would definitely put you in a better position as far as shiduchim are concerned. After all you will have to support a wife and a family and working for a yeshiva, getting paid very little cannot put you in a position where that is going to be the most beneficial to do that.
In addition being surrounded by women all day is NOT the best sevivah for a man, do you agree? It must drive you crazy. I know you are used to it and probably have gotten very comfortable in your position but comfort isn’t everything. Sometimes you have to spread your wings and fly and this might be the right time and the right impetus for you to try. You know the saying “meshaneh makom meshaneh mazel”. That is really something to think about.
I worked most of my married life. It was NOT our plan, it was not my choice and not my intention. It is what my husband wanted. I resented it.
adorable, what is your hangup with hair? There is nothing wrong with a kallah wearing her hair any way she chooses. If she wants extensions that is her choice, this is the last opportunity she has to wear her own hair in public.
mewho, seriously if she is nursing why would she be on a date?
When will the boys learn. Smoking and drinking do not impress women. Adaraba it turns us completely off.
These things happen and it is in your best interest to rise above it. You will never know what really happened and the baal simcha has so much on his mind preparing for the simcha that whether it was an oversight or he really cut back and didn’t feel he had to invite someone that he didn’t have much to do with or his wife handled the invitations and she had more to do with the women than you; he has no idea that it is bothering you and you are giving it way too much importance. These things happen all the time. Maybe Hashem is testing you. What will you choose to do about it?
Everyone does chessed in their own way as the opportunity arises. And not everyone can do what others do. Some people drive for Bikur Cholim and take patients to their doctor appointments. Some volunteer for Hatzolah which is one of the biggest chassodim you can do. Some help others with homework, which is what an 8 year old can do for someone who is NOT up to the level of the class. Some babysit or cook for others who are ill. Some work with teens and mentor them. Some join organizations. Everyone had different gifts and talents. We also have different schedules and lifestyles. So we find the time to do what we can and when we are faced with an opportunity we do our best to meet the challenge.
Goq, I have been curious for a while. Why do you work there. You don’t always come across as being happy at your job. At your age maybe you would be much happier in a more fulfilling environment one that can satisfy your own needs better.
I imagine that would depend on the age of the couple dating and the environment they are in. If it is a young couple, I would be very wary of it.
You really can’t set a specific age. It depends on the child’s development and social skills. It also depends on the child’s social needs. If she needs to be around a social environment with friends and things to do and is not as happy being home all day just with mommy, then it is something to consider as long as the child can communicate. A child that does not speak and communicate should not be in a school setting yet because it will only lead to chaos, IMHO.
Some schools want the child to be toilet trained before enrollment, others are willing to help you with the process. So that is NOT the biggest issue. The biggest issue is their ability to speak and socialize with other children.
I don’t believe in alcohol. And someone who has no problem ordering alcohol on a date is someone to be wary of. I dont’ think it is appropriate in the lounge, in the bowling alley or elsewhere. If the bochur has a need to have a beer to chill, then there is a problem.
Pac-man ease up already. The photographs are NOT for you. They are for the chosson and Kallah and for their parents to remember the chasunah by. It is nachas, pure nachas to keep looking at the pictures. Again, if you haven’t been there and experienced it you just don’t understand, I hope one day you will. Please understand that the Good Photographer is also being mesameach choson v’kallah because they and their parents do not get to experience the wedding while there. It whirls by so fast and it is over in a minute. Only through the photos and the video do they really get to experience what happened and who was there. That is when they truly enjoy the wedding.
Group think is the yeshiva system in general. It is not the learning/chavrusa method but it is the system. This is what is right, there is no “other” right. There is no other way of thinking. If you don’t conform to our right your are wrong and you are out. There is no room for discussion or explanation. Even if it doesn’t work it doesn’t matter because it is what it is and it is right in our opinion therefor it is right and you all have to agree with us. We will not change our ways because we are right. Even if we are wrong we are right and you have to accept that.
if the world would have ended i would not be here to answer your question
adorable, they wear more makeup so it lasts through the night and so the pictures show her off to the best advantage. The kallah has to be the most beautiful woman in the whole entire room.
Firstly it is a parents’ dream to walk their child down to the chupah. This is customary and obviously they walk down an isle to the Chupah. What else is there to walk down. And the isle should be long enough to have meaning to the parents. It is a very special and amazing moment. If you are NOT a parent that hasn’t experiences this Brocha you probably will not understand.
People have different minhagim. I was at a Chasuna in E”Y where the parents walked the Chasson to the outdoor chupa and the men followed and then the parents walked the Kallah and then the women followed. So there was no isle per se. When there is an outdoor Chupa, there might not be an isle either because there is no seating and people just stand around the sidewalk.
But that is the custom and if you choose not to follow that custom it is your choice at the time your child gets married. In addition, who are you to complain about the Kallah’s dress? The Kallah dresses like a queen on the day of her chasana. She will dress in the same tsnius manner that she dresses always. If she wears more cut out always she will carry that into her wedding dress as well. If she is extremely tznius it will show in her wedding dress as well. Everyone does according to their own standard and their own custom. It is foolish to have this discussion and have another go round picking on a Kallah this time.
Try to tell your Kallah, or your daughter not to dress up on the day of her chassanah. See how foolish you come off. Go ask your Rav if you are in the right? I have been to many chassidk weddings where the Kallah’s gown had everything on it except bells and whistles. To me it was too much, but to the Kallah she felt like a princess so kol hakovod, she is supposed to feel that way and no one should deny her that.
PBA, you have to choose carefully who you open up “what” to. I didn’t say not opening up with anyone. Nor did I say keeping difficult secrets to oneself. There are always options of whom one can trust with difficult secrets.
Young people rarely understand this concept and play the “promise you will never tell anyone what I am about to tell you” game. This rarely works.
Everyone needs to laugh and be silly too! That’s also a part of life. You can’t have one without the other.
adorable, this is how a child repays a parent. By being the best you that you can be. By showing hakaros hatov properly. By accepting the love they give and reciprocating. By never missing an opportunity to say “I love you”. By being patient with them and learning to understand them as they try to understand you. By understanding that relationships keep growing as you do and that you will always be their baby till 120 i”h.
wanderingchana, We are all Hashem’s children therefore equal in HIS eyes. That’s all that counts 🙂
ZK, what do YOU mean by that?