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Somehow i am not as concerned right now about you overdoing it as i am about the person who told you to be careful. It sounds to me that the person is either burnt out or is a little bit selfish.
As a bochur it is quite admirable that you go out of your way to do cheesed. When you are older and have more responsibility it will be more difficult for you to do some of the things that you find so easy to do at the moment and you will not be so able or willing to do them later on in life. So going out of your way to do a favor, or a cheesed that makes you a little late now and then, and doesn’t bother you right now should not be a concern for someone else.
Everyone has their own ways of doing Chessed and they can change over time depending on one’s circumstances and responsibilities. Right now you don’t have many obligations other than to yourself. Later on you will have obligations to your wife, children, maybe a boss, etc. and your time, and money will no longer be just your own, so the way you do cheesed will change. Of course the things you do today strengthens your heart in the right direction so you will ALWAYS be willing to do cheesed in whatever ways you will be able to. So please do NOT worry about it and just be yourself.
I am sorry that your mentor left you. Did that person feel that you were relying too much on them and not enough on yourself? If that was the case then you have to give some thought to that and think about what YOU need to do for yourself in this situation that is causing you so much pain. What can YOU do to bring about a different outcome without relying on others? What have you learnt from your mentors? How have you built on your strengths and strengthened your weaknesses with their help? What have you accomplished with their support? How much better off are you today than you were before they came into your life?
If you can answer in an affirmative way then B”H, they have helped you and have given you some basic tools that you have to reach for to continue. If you can’t answer in a positive manner then they were not the right shelichim and you have to keep looking, don’t give up. You need to keep on searching for answers and looking for the right sheliach to empower you.
In addition, sometimes when you find that life is just too difficult and challenging, helping someone else in need gives one a feeling of accomplishment and fulfillment. It is “nice” to feel needed and appreciated no matter who the source is or where it is coming from. It makes a person feel involved and NOT invisible.
Hatzlocha
Coffeefan, now that you brought it up, I believe you have an achrius to say something to her. Let her know how much you appreciate her and all the lifeguards first. It is always better to start off saying something nice. So say that and then mention that you don’t feel as comfortable as you should since each time you glance over at her she has her phone in her hand and is texting. Couldn’t she possibly put the phone away while she is on her shift before something tragic happens or someone complains to her boss? Maybe you can say you “think” you heard women talking about it.
If he is not paying you appropriately then what makes it a good job? Start looking for a new job while you are still working there. Take the time you need for interviews by going first think in the morning and coming late to work when necessary or going during lunch break. Take a longer lunch break if necessary and don’t feel guilty about it. When you find a new job give him a week’s notice and leave. If you have any vacation or sick days coming to you, use them before you give notice.
That is very hypocritical of the Agudah and sets a very poor example.
Before you go defending this person you should check out the facts. Just because a person is a Jew does not make them right. I don’t know the whole story either but what was reported right here was that he was drinking beer and he poured it over the head of the Muslim woman next door. There is no excuse for that. NONE! He knew better than to do that and if he chooses to act like a thug he obviously will have consequences. If he had a problem with his neighbors he should have or could have taken a different route. Just because he is Jewish does NOT give him the right to break the law. Most probably had he done it to a male neighbor it would not have made headlines. The fact that he acted like an animal and did it to a female is what got him in trouble.
Happiest, I am so sorry this happened to you. No wonder you are going through such trauma now and need all these meds. Please continue to work through your issues with competent therapists. I understand where you are coming from. I work with victims and do my best to advocate for them. As a matter of fact I started an organization years back for this very purpose.
For anyone who does not believe the severity of this situation it is because you choose NOT to believe it. Please take your heads out of the sand and understand the truth. That is the only way to stop it. And please understand the reason why R’ Eliyashuv said a molester is a rodef and should be reported to the authorities. A molester does not stop after one attack nor after one victim. On the average a molester will attack 440 times (these are the statistics) in their lifespan. That could be one victim 440 times or up to 440 different victims. If you turn the molester in at the beginning of his career, look how many potential victims you save. However if you cover up for him and protect him, look how many victims you COULD have saved.
Happiest, I agree with you 100%.
Ask the director what the rules are for the lifeguards in regards to cell phones? Then don’t say which one it is just say that one of the lifeguards is constantly on the phone and it can result in a serious situation because it probably is distracting her from the job. Let them come into the pool discretely and watch for themselves or speak to all of them.
Be Happy, You are so right. So many women and girls wait and wait for an opportunity to get closer and closer and women who are upfront (and of course others) do not show the proper respect. While we try to daven with Kavana and of course not turn our backs when we walk away, others seem to take it so for granted as if it is just a park or play ground to visit. Women exchanging recipes, or answering their cell phones or having everyday conversations. It is appalling. I myself have stopped my own davening to remind some of these visitors where they were.
If you need to make a comment then you should try. If it is inappropriate it won’t get through. If it is written inappropriately but the topic is appropriate the MODS might edit it.
You are NOT wrong. Isn’t it sad?
People are hurting and they need to vent. They find it easier to vent anonymously than vent publicly, so there is a need to discuss what is bothering them and talk it out with others. If we can’t find a way to talk about what is truly bothering us, it will eat us up. It is a sad commentary that there is what to speak about and there are issues that need to be addressed on these subjects. Better that they don’t give us what to speak about than we have what to complain about.
No but men should be aware of tznius as well as women.
Take it seriously and listen to your doctor. Lose the weight and truly watch what you eat. You really have to understand the difference between a lifestyle and a diet. If you think you need to go on a diet you are not going to succeed in beating this. If you understand that you need to change your lifestyle then you can get this thing under control. When you start to avoid carbs you will have less cravings for carbs and it will get easier. When you start avoiding sugars, your body will stop craving sugars and it will get easier. When you make the changes to avoid the foods your body can’t handle and eat the foods your body needs, you will get your “LIFE” under control.
Romimu is July 10th, stay off the roads if you don’t have visiting day!
I’m going to be in the mountains this weekend and am already thinking about “dropping by” Erev Shabbos with a bag of rugelech for his bunk.
I never heard of a timeshare in Miami Beach. If you find one, it most probably won’t be where you want to be. You can get great deals right now in the Frum areas so you have everything covered.
Yes, it is better to change the subject. You can say “why are we speaking about such a “sad” subject or something like that and immediately go into something different.
This is the first year in many that I have to once again, B”H, deal with visiting day. This is our first year as grandparents having to visit a grandchild on visiting day. It is a whole new experience.
Oomis, my father also came to me After shiva in a dream that seemed so real. He told me he was fine and not to worry about him, just to take care of my mother. I tried to reach for him and woke up. I started screaming for him to come back. I tried my hardest to have him come back again but he never did. My Mother has NOT come to me in a dream and I am chalashing for her to visit me. Somehow I need it.
Ursula and to all it applies, hamokom yinachem eschem b’toch sh’ar Avlei Zion v’Yerushalayim.
BDE, so sorry to hear. There are so few halachos, mostly only minhagim. The basics of an one is davening and brachos. There is no availus when you are an onen, so you can shower, cut your nails, wear makeup, sit on normal chairs, listen to music, do anything you would normally do except for davening and brachas.
always runs with scissors fast, when my first grandchild was born and I bought a car seat my daughter asked me why I need a cars seat, she would never “allow” me to drive alone with her baby. I laugh about it every time I think about it. Now I am asked to “car pool” take three of them places, watch all 4 including the newborn, take them and my other grandkids, etc. Kids are so foolish, they haven’t got a clue.
Coke, when you take a job you should make it clear what you are willing to do and what you just can’t do. So if you are uncomfortable folding personal items that is what you should say. “I don’t mind folding general laundry or young children’s clothing, but I am not comfortable folding personal items such as parents’ or young adults’ underwear. Be upfront about it.
If there is someone in charge of sending girls out to do cheesed, then you can ask them to let the clients know about a young person’s sensitivities to this issue.
It really does take time to get used to it. You have to keep your mouth closed and breathe in and out through your nose. Don’t try to force yourself to sleep through the entire night the first few nights if you can’t. Use it for as long as you can the first few nights as you get used to it. If you force it, you will not be relaxed about it.
Wow, wolf, Abraham, Martin and John? Haven’t thought about that for years and years.
Finding the right therapist and finding the right rave to help with a certain problem is the same. You have to search for the one that has the expertise in the field. Most Rabbonim are NOT trained. So lets not generalize on this issue.
Not every Rav has the knack, the patience, the knowledge or a real vested interested in Shalom Bayis. And when you get the wrong Rav involved it causes much more harm than good because all they do is quote halacha and not apply halacha to what is happening in life. In addition they tend to force couples to stay together no matter what, instead of really and truly listening to each side and helping each side. Only those truly immersed in the dinim of Shalom Bayis should be trusted with a precarious marriage.
The same goes for a therapist, if you need marriage counseling don’t go to a therapist that specializes in trauma. Search for the right individual and the help that you need according to whatever the issues are.
As with everything it is easy to be a “big shot” until you are standing firmly in the situation. Your daughter has NOT experienced the miracle of having a child. She also has no experience with couples who are childless. Too many young people have no clue what a blessing having a child is. They take it for granted that they get married and “poof” within the year, they have a child. Isn’t that the way it is supposed to be? And then what do I do with it? I can’t be stuck at home with it, I will be bored..and such.
Well there are some facts that your daughter needs to learn, and that is every baby is precious and one has to think long and hard before one decides to “dump” a child on a babysitter. When it is your child, your baby that you carried for 9 months in your belly and watched grow through the sonograms, it is NOT so easy to just have that kind of attitude. It just isn’t that simple, as all us parents and grandparents already know. One must never ever take a child for granted.
One thing I do know it gets very HOT in Paris in the summer and not every hotel has Air conditioning. In August, many, many places close for vacation. That includes kosher restaurants and shopping areas.
I usually google “Kosher….” whether it is Paris, Italy or wherever we are going and try to follow the suggestions they make or find something near where they suggest. Hatzlocha and have a wonderful trip.
Thank you, yes that was quite a beautiful song.
Sender. we had a discussion on another thread about feeling Hashem’s presence. There are two psukim to keep in mind almost like a mantra “shivisi eschem l’negdi tamed” and “da lifnei me atah omed”. When a person is tempted to a do an aveira but has these psukim going off in their head as a reminder that you stand before Melech Malchei Hamelochim and everything you say and do is being recorded like a video tape, it is easier to make a better choice.
Think about it Sender, if you are always walking in the presence of the King, or in a more realistic scenario your “father” is always walking by your side, would you do the things you say you are finding easier to do? So even though you did it before, if you realize that your father is at your side to guide you, would you keep doing it?
DY,
I am NOT saying that the OP does not deserve to get compensated, and I am not saying that she should not get compensated. I am saying that there is nothing she can do or should do at this point. She did her job. Yes, EVERY SHADCHAN HAS to get paid and DESERVES to get paid. But that mitzvah and that INYAN falls on the shoulders of the families involved. It is NOT the job of the shadchan to collect the payment unless there was an payment agreement before hand. That is what I am saying, so please understand that and don’t try to twist my words and read anything else into it.
A professional shadchan has a contract whether verbal or written. The finances are discussed and agreed upon at the first meeting before any work is done. There is no opportunity for miscommunication as far as financials are concerned.
I have never heard of any non-professional shadchan persuing a family for non-payment of a shidduch.
Of Course, I did NOT say you are wrong. I am agreeing with you. You should get compensated, you are supposed to get compensated. It is wrong if they don’t compensate you and there are dire consequences if they don’t. That is what I said. I don’t understand what you don’t agree with me about. Do you want to confront them about payment? Do you feel you should? Do you feel it is your job to go after payment? And by the way, there is no “going” rate. People give what they feel like giving, what they can afford to give or what they “think” the shadchan would appreciate. Payment according to the “rules” does not have to be more than a dollar, that is considered payment. Of course that would not be nice, but that is the truth.
It is very clear cut. The Shadchan has a huge mitzvah for making a shidduch. On the other hand there can be very bad consequences for a couple who didn’t pay the shadchan.
DY, unless they had a specific financial agreement, then there is nothing she can do, and nothing she can say. She did her job and that was the mitzvah of making the shidduch. It is well known that the shadchan has to get paid, that is the job of the parents or couple. A shadchan cannot force someone to pay her especially if she is NOT a professional. This is NOT a business she runs. If it were, she would know to make a contract and agree on terms before. It doesn’t sound like that is the case here. If you do it l’shem mitzvah then you did your job and thats it. Then it is up to the Baa’elei Simcha to do their job because as I mentioned earlier there can be very devastating consequences.
You don’t do a mitzvah and then “tell” someone they have to pay you for it. And you don’t do a job for anyone, if you are working for them, without telling them how much you expect or you will charge beforehand. So if it was l’shem mitzvah she did her job and the payment is up to the families involved. If she is a professional shadchan then she is NOT supposed to work until the financials are discussed and agreed upon. If you are NOT a professional you can’t “CHARGE” a fee after the fact.
So NO DY, I wouldn’t say the same for a loan or compensation for a worker because it doesn’t fall into the same category. There is a loan contract and when you hire someone to do a job you agree to pay them with the amount clear and upfront. The OP did NOT say she was HIRED, nor that she was a PROFESSIONAL shadchan who runs this business and counts on the money for parnassah.
Sender, if you had that memory don’t fight it and don’t force yourself to remember because the harder you try, the harder it will be to remember. Try to just relax or maybe watch the movie in a relaxed atmosphere and be prepared just in case you have any memories or emotions. Keep the remote handy so you can pause. Keep a pad and pencil handy so you can write down what you recalled. Then let it go and continue watching and just see what happens. Write down everything you remember.
The inyan of paying a shadchan is huge, even to the point of fertility issues. But the onus is NOT on you to collect. That is out of your hands. The ONUS is up to them to pay. My daughter told me that her Kallah teacher told her that it was very important to pay the shadchan before walking down to the chupah. She made me nuts, literally. My nephew was the shadcahn and we bought them a beautiful silver vase @ $1,000. We usually buy silver because it is usually friends or acquaintances that made the shidduch. For my younger son, I found a beautiful sterling tea set for the shadchan, there was only one shadchan for both, so the mechutanim and I chipped in for it. The shadchan couple were in shock when they opened the box. Don’t get too excited, we got a very, very good deal. But, on the other hand, they in their 30’s had a sterling tea set.
IMHO, that is a very dangerous avenue to go down. There is nothing wrong with teaching kids to earn their own money and have responsibility but before they start it is important for parents and kids to sit down and set up some basic financial planning and ground rules.
For instance, if a teen is earning their own money, and this usually starts with babysitting, should they pay for their own clothes, or should that money be put away for something really important? Don’t jump to answer, really think about it. If you choose the option of your kids paying for their own clothes, you have to set the guidelines first. In other words, just because they are paying for it that doesn’t mean they can go out and buy whatever they want because it is their money. In that case It is YOUR house, and if they are earning money, maybe they should be charged some rent or some cleaning fee. There is a way of discussing this before you go down that path. Have the discussion before you get there. You would not want to be in a position where you have a yelling match an you throw it out at a child “pay me for room and board!” or something as heartless because they bought jeans when it is against house rules. So make sure you define the house rules and the consequences before you get into trouble.
It is a good idea to introduce them to a savings account, maybe even bonds or something that will grow but is not easily liquidated. So you might choose to open a custodial account for them and they can deposit money in there. They also can’t take money out until they reach a certain age. So that money is safe. You can work out a budget with them. Obviously they should give masser money and then a percentage should go into savings and then discuss what they can spend the balance on and how. Don’t be caught off guard.
Should I say I don’t play so I can’t say? Naw, we all dream. Ok, so here it is, Tzedaka is a given so Maaser comes off the top, that doesn’t or wouldn’t belong to me anyway. Then of course I would help my kids and put aside money for my grandkids “cause you never, ever know!” Yes I would do that before I opened the doors or answered a phone call. And then I would help my nieces and nephews that need help because family comes first before strangers and of course their parents.
OK, so I covered family right? OH gee, I forgot myself. Well I am entitled to do the things I always wanted to and finish the projects we never got around to or never had money to do right or complete. If there was money left over after that, I would keep doing what I have been doing until now and help those Hashem sends my way. That does NOT mean collectors at the doors or Yeshivas who all of a sudden found out I existed but didn’t know me when my kids needed a place to go or I was trying to help a client with one of their kids. I would never, ever give $$$$ to a yeshiva that throws kids out. Sorry, that is OUR policy. And I wouldn’t support a Kollel unless the talmidim had farhers and tests and had an actual plan of getting semicha and becoming Rabbonim and Poskim. That is my shita. I think it is wonderful that so many men learn these days if they can, but just because every Rosh Yeshiva needs to make a parnasah so they open their “own” kollel does not mean I have to support their dream. MY dream is helping kids, so if I met a yungerman who loved learning and needed support to become a Rav and a posek because he had a true ahavas yisroel, then I would support that particular man and not necessarily the mosad he chose to sit in. I would concentrate on the people themselves and how THEY needed my assistance because I don’t trust our current institutions. Sorry, but truly I don’t trust the system and I don’t trust anyone involved in orchestrating, promoting or administering it. I deal too much with its failures.
But that’s me, what’s your dream?
Because sometimes the music is just that good!
We had this discussion before on other threads. Many and I will say it again because “many” of us disagree but “MANY” women “dress to impress” other women. And the concept of “dressing to kill” is that the other women should c”v drop dead when they seem them. lol.
On the other hand there are many women who have no clue, absolutely without a shadow of a doubt, that they look to put it mildly “over the top” in many cases they don’t even realize how borderline or questionable their tznius level is. They look away, make an excuse or whatever. Others as one said just look to see how their elbows, knees and neckline is covered and not in what way.
And that goes for makeup as well. The idea of makeup is to have it enhance your natural beauty. Anyone with any degree of “class” does not slather on makeup or have it stand out like a marquee flashing “look at me”. When they look in the mirror they think they look good. When we look at them we don’t even see them, we see ruby red lipstick, false eyelashes, blue eyeshadow and lots and lost of mascara and maybe even hairspray. It might not be that non-tznius if we don’t really notice or recognize the person beneath it all.
I am not sure what the question is. Are you talking about people’s bad taste in style and fashion or are you talking about the tznius aspect of not drawing attention to oneself?
When one goes to a wedding you tend to do your best to look your best. Now depending on your stature, style, grace and financial status, people will dress to impress to the best of their ability. And again I would say stop blaming the women and start speaking a bit to the men, the husbands and the fathers. It is the nature of a woman to dress up and it is the nature of a man to enjoy that. So if it is inappropriate a man should learn how to speak to their wives and daughters in a nice manner and suggest that they try NOT to look better than the kallah or her mother.
BSD, I believe it is something that happens through life as you experience different things and you see different things. When you are young and you “think” that this or that is the most important things in life. And then things happen and Hashem truly shows you who is in charge, and you realize that those things were so superficial. These things happen through simchas and through loss. Or as we age and we see tragedy in the world and we also see miracles. The more life we experience we just see “yad Hashem” more and more. The more I work doing “chesed” and helping people, the more I see how Hashem directs me and puts people in my path. The more you experience Hashem’s presence and Hashem’s nissim or his ma’asim you develop a sense of Hashem being with you all the time. If that is the case then you know that you are always standing before Hashem. And when you do, it is also hard to understand how others don’t. Do you understand what I am saying?
I also believe that women are more in tune than men because of all our private mitzvos. We all understand that there is always temptations. Who doesn’t want an nice cold delicious Ice cream on a hot summer night? But Just as you are about to take it out of the freezer you remember you had fleishigs for supper. Who will know, no one is around, no one sees, no one is watching or are they? What is keeping you from eating the ice cream before the six hours. Well we stand before the King. We know Hashem is watching, we either pass the test or fail. Women have our private mitzvos for taharas mishpacha. Who knows, who watches, no one but the woman. But that is not true because Hashem knows. If we don’t believe that, then the whole premise of taharas mishpacha is really and truly on shaky ground. Because if women were not sensitive to the fact that we stand before the King always, and we KNOW who we stand before, there would be a lot of cheaters.
minyangal, I am so sorry to say this to you but the teachers in these schools are NOT educated and licensed. They did NOT go through the training you assume they did or should have. At best, they went to seminary. This is the biggest problem in our Yeshiva System. WE pay a fortune for many (I am not saying all because there are many good teachers) ill equipped and untrained teachers who are supposed to be the best “role models” for our kids while our counterparts in public school get a free education by trained, qualified, educated and licensed teachers.
Yes, why not? The teacher is getting paid for 10 months worth of work but is getting paid over 12 month period for the convenience of the Yeshiva. This is NOT done in any other industry. You are saying straight out that they are getting paid for WORK that they did over a 10 month period however the employer is spreading out their payment over 12 months.
What about schools that are late in paying their teachers. Does that mean if a teacher gets fired but is NOT paid up to date, they can’t collect for the weeks that they receive a check in the future? Unemployment does NOT go according to WHEN a person gets paid, it goes by when a person WORKS and gets paid for that work. So just because it is more convenient for the school to distribute the payment to their employees over a 12 month period, why shouldn’t the teacher start collecting from the very first day after the 10 months are up? That is the very first day that s/he is unemployed.
Spa or classic music can help. Massage works wonders especially reflexology which is a foot massage because the nerves on the bottom of your feet corresponds to different organs and areas all over your body. So when you get a foot massage it helps you to relax all over your body. So as your body relaxes your mind relaxes as well.
Long walks also helps. It also helps to be around bodies of water so if you can go to the beach or near a lake. Water is very calming.
Arizona
It also says “da lifnei mi atah omen”.
Yes I think about those two psukim very often and I do have that concept on my mind constantly. In addition I wonder how most people don’t. Like when they cheat, lie, steal or even more so molest or hurt other people. Do they honestly believe Hashem doesn’t see?
Why not search for the books you are looking for online? Then you don’t have to see everything out there and you don’t have to see what you are trying to avoid.
On the other hand, a store like Barnes and Noble has books laid out according to category and they are very helpful. You could probably go right to the section you are looking for without having to wander through the entire store.
Either way depending on what your needs are I would suggest that a parent go on a field trip themselves before taking their children with them so they can decide whether or not they feel the store is age appropriate or spiritually appropriate for the child in mind.
OK, here is a question for you. How old do YOU think is too old? How long have you been a counselor? Do you enjoy it? Are you good at it? Do you get paid well? Will you wind up being a camp director? Do you have something better to do? Is someone on your case? Why are you asking?
OK, spill the beans. Who told you not to?