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Mike, I agree with you. Thanks for proving once again how ludicrous this is. BTW UO usually stands for “unorthodox”. So much for labeling.
I would still like to understand the need for the separation and labeling.
Also no matter where you get the gown or who makes it, make sure you have at least 10 pre-threaded needles at your wedding and safety pins as well as a scissor just in case. That’s called insurance.
My daughter complains that they have too many toys and games so she came up with a a great solution. She has a rule, for every new toy, new game, new doll, etc., they have to pick one to give to tzedakah. That way they never have an overflow that gets out of control and the kids are involved in doing chessed.
I also wanted to mention that it is important to get into a bedtime routine so the kids know what is expected of them and they know the routine. But you have to be involved in that routine and be committed to it if you want it to work You can’t just expect them to do it because you tell them to and not do it with them because you are tired. I know this isn’t easy especially as you get older and you have already been through this with your oder kids, but if you keep having kids, they are as entitled to your attention as your first was. Children need their parents to help them settle down and get into the bedtime mood. They love to have you there when they brush their teeth and say Shema, and if they can actually do that within a good time frame, what would be better than Mommy reading them a bedtime story. Eventually, they will do some of this on their own, and maybe your older kids and hubby will take turns with you or help out at bedtime.
You also have to decide when a child keeps climbing out of the crib if it is better to put her in a bed than have her risk falling down. You can start with a mattress on the floor or go straight to a bed with a safety bar.
There are products over the counter on shelves in the drug store that are quite helpful. I believe when my kids were younger we also used a vinegar rinse. The best thing to do after you use the comb is to go through the entire head and clean them out. The comb doesn’t get them all out. You also have to strip the linen and immediately put it in a plastic bag tied tight for 24 hours then wash in the hottest water possible. You also have to spray the entire bed with anti-lice spray. That goes for the clothes she was wearing. Tie up her hair after cleaning and tie up other kids hair as well and don’t let anyone use the same comb or brush or even towel.
When I grow up I want to be a wise woman.
observanteen, I am surprised at you. You said that you feel so close to Hashem and yet you want to see another knock out drag down fight? You know it doesn’t belong here on the internet where everyone is anonymous and not face to face. Where no one knows the other person or even cares to respect them or even tolerate them. Were you NOT the one that started the sensitivity thread?
Shein, because if he pled guilty there would not be a dragged out trial where all the morbid and tragic details would come out. If he pled guilty he would be sentenced by the judge without a trial and then we wouldn’t have to hear about him ever again.
This discussion has taken place so many times. When has it turned out “nicely”?
No one has the right to damage anyone’s anything, and the woman involved didn’t. But the poster feels he was wronged and doesn’t see that he was WRONG. And that is the shame of it. He is angry that bicyclists have “nerve” to even feel that way and yet, he doesn’t see the other side of the coin that motorists have “nerve” to yell out the window at bicyclists. What right do they have and did he have to do so? Why does he feel “HIS” perceived right supersedes theirs?
That is the point here and that is a lesson for everyone to learn before you just jump in feet first. Why do your needs supersede someone elses’? He is just looking to fault others but has not taken responsibility for being wrong in yelling out the window at her. What right did he have to yell at her?
Obaminator, why not ask your wife?
I think you should shut down this thread. DIDN’T WE HAVE ENOUGH OF THIS NONSENSE ALREADY? What is this obsession about? If you have such a major issue about MO you need to see a therapist. Mods again please shut this down.
There is a reason why this is anonymous. However if there was a conference announced on YW about people getting together to discuss common issues at a convenient location I would go.
Do you have any idea why they chose cremation?
Sorry that was so long. I just wanted to mention that when my kids were little I didn’t have “good” clothing that went to the cleaners because their hugs even with dirty hands meant more to me than good clothes. I didn’t have good linen because when they crawled into my bed in the morning and sometimes their diapers were soaking wet or they peed through it, I didn’t want to get angry. I didn’t use my good dishes or good silverware, because when they wanted to help set the table and they dropped something I didn’t want to get upset, their smiling faces when they felt grown up and helpful was worth more than a fancy table. Especially when they stood on a stool and washed the dishes or loaded the dishwasher. I didn’t care that my floor wasn’t as clean as it should be because my 5 year old son really wanted to mop it for me and vacuum for me as well. Isn’t that worth more than perfection or good stuff?
I once came home late from work and my Frum electrician a”h was in my home and the walls were black and the house smelled of smoke. He met me at the door and said don’t say a word. Seriously don’t say a word. The kids wanted to surprise you and make latkes for you. It didn’t turn out well as you can see. They are exhausted from trying to clean up the mess. All good intentions. Sometimes you just have to look away and move on.
There doesn’t seem to be a problem with your kids, there might be a lack of control in your home. It seems that you have a wide age range in your home. You also didn’t mention how many children you have or what your house rules are. BTW your description of your kids was very enjoyable to read. Yes of course because it is NOT my kids and I don’t have to deal with it. But I don’t have to deal with it because I have rules and I dealt with them even if it meant I had to participate in the consequence and it meant that I missed out as well.
Lets first start with a simple issue as cereal. It is best NOT to give kids more than two choices for breakfast. “What would you like for breakfast choice “A” or choice “B”? If they say something else you say “I am sorry sheifeleh, that is not one of mommy’s choices so what will it be?” And then YOU have to be strong enough to stick to it. Yes even if they scream and yell and cry. THEY need to learn that crying doesn’t change anything. So the next step is saying “If you are going to cry and scream at me I will just go into the other room and give you a few minutes to think about the choices I just gave you. I don’t have to stay here and listen to you misbehave”. Then leave the room. They will be shocked. But they will soon realize that you mean business and strait beginning to understand the reality of the situation.
About two years ago my daughter complained that her then 4 year old made her crazy in the mornings because she couldn’t decide what she wanted to wear and made everyone crazy and she missed her bus or carpool and it made her late for work, etc. I told her that she is making her daughter crazy because you don’t give a 3 or 4 year old so many options leaving the choice wide open. It is too much for her to handle. Give her two choices and thats it. Since she likes to feel grown up and likes to feel like she made the choice, choose to options and let her choose between the two and then say “good choice”. So she started trying that and low and behold the first two days there was still a struggle but then things fell into place as they both got used to the rules.
Yes this even works with two year olds. I was babysitting my son’s kids for a week. The two year old was eating breakfast with her big sisters. She was sitting in her booster seat and I made them eggs. She was enjoying her eggs and all of a sudden she starts screaming “I want macaroni and cheese!” I looked at her and said “Bobby is not making macaroni and cheese for breakfast”. She started pounding her hands on the table yelling “I want macaroni and cheese”. I stood up an just looked at her eye to eye and said “If you yell at me I am going in the other room” and I walked out. Then I hear “Bobby come back” so I went back and she says “Bobby sit down” so I sat down and she goes “Bobby you please feed me my eggs”. Ya gotta love them.
If you take your kids to the mall or supermarket you give them the rules before you leave the house and then again in the car. If they misbehave you are going to take them back to the car and go home and they will lose the privilege of coming shopping with you. Then back that up by doing it. Don’t threaten with something you won’t do. Even if it upsets your day or it frustrates you. Take them by the hand or dump them back in the stroller and tell them, I told you if you misbehave we are going home and then go home. They will get the message that YOU are in charge and you are NOT kidding.
Dealing with toys is the same story. Set the rules whatever you choose they should be. They can play with only two toys at a time. If they get tired, put those toys back and take out something else. That way it will be easier when it is time to clean up. If they don’t listen let them know that you will move the toys that are not cleaned up into a locked closet and they will not be able to play with them for 2 days, or a week or whatever you think is appropriate for their age. Then do it. As far as things on a high shelf are concerned the rules are they are there because they are not for them to play with, they are for the older kids, or they must ask you or one of the older children to get it for them. If they don’t listen and do something dangerous like climb and break things, they will get a time out. Then give them a time out, even if you have to sit outside their bedroom door for the 15 minutes while they have it.
Bedtime for a child that climbs out of a crib is not that much of a challenge. Take the side bars off the crib and let her sleep in the crib without it. It is safer that way and it won’t be so much fun getting out of bed when she is not climbing out. Then put a tall gate on the door or let her know that there will be a consequence if she gets out of bed or leaves her room. Once you establish that YOU are in charge, and they have to follow your rules, they will get the message that they have to listen. She might call you a hundred times the first week, 50 times the second, week but she will stat to get accustomed and settle in.
As far as markers and the like, get washable markers, or throw out all the markers till they learn to listen to the rules.
My grandkids know that if they want to go out with me I have rules. No whining, No crying and No whining. So in the past I didn’t take the younger ones, just the older ones. The bigger kids told the 2 year olds, “you whine and cry so you can’t come with us”. No one whines and cries with me. We all have a great time and I can take 6 with me at once and that isn’t a problem.
A few years ago in Miami there was a family from Canada with a few kids. The mother was yelling at her 5 year old son all day, every day. She kept yelling at him, get out of the pool, stop doing that, etc. And she was threatening him that she is going to put him on a plane and send him back to Canada himself. He ignored her and she yelled at him to stop ignoring her. After a few days of that I went over to her seeing her frustration and i said “do you know why he is not listening to you? Because you are threatening him with a consequence that he knows you will never follow through on. If you offer him a consequence that you will actually do, he will believe you. If you tell him that you will come get him and take him upstairs for two hours and he will miss the pool time for two hours he WILL believe you. She told me nothing will work. I told her to try it and NOT yell at him, just speak regularly but with authority. She tried it, he looked at her and thought about it for a minute or two and came out of the pool and sat down next to her. She looked at me in shock.
I think what we would all like to hear is that he finally pleaded guilty, told the whole entire truth, how he tricked Leiby and was either jailed for life or committed to an insane asylum for life so he can never hurt anyone ever again.
Obaminator, the girl is already considering that the boy should NOT give up too much time from learning by coming into his home town to date him. That is the Good Girl doing her part. If you don’t realize this, you are too closed minded and not ready for shiduchim.
If you had a tana you should have taken it up with the proper authorities and not started up with the bicyclist. That was rude of you. Had you been walking in the street would you have told a burly man that he crossed the line and taken up two parking spots? It is just as wrong and as illegal. You were rude and got your face slapped for it. You did not like the answer you received and you brought it here because you felt wronged. But had you NOT screamed out your window feeling so righteous you would not have received that angry and what seemed to you abusive reply. To that bicyclist you were just as abusive.
People need to be more respectful to each other. She noted to you that she can’t use the bike lane because people don’t respect it and block it by standing in it and throwing garbage in it. You don’t seem to care about that. That is NOT your problem or your issue. Your only issue is your rights and not the rights of the bicyclists. You felt that you had the right to speak your mind to that particular cyclist. You did NOT expect her to respond to you, nor did you expect to hear how frustrated the cyclists are when people like yourself speak up to them or react to them. There are two sides to every story and issue and that is something to consider before you scream out your window. I suppose that this time you were lucky that it was only her and NOT someone that would have acted in the manner she described.
cshapiro, I just saw an ad by a Frum wedding shop and I looked carefully how she covers the strapless dresses. What she does is overlays the top till the waist then belts it with crystals bringing attention to the waist and away from the neckline. The top is the same fabric as the bottom, so it is more sheer like organza but still kosher and you still see the bodice of the gown, so you still have the strapless look showing through. So it is as if she made a blouse on top of the gown that has the neckline and sleeves but ends at the waistline out of the bottom fabric. Do you understand what I am describing? So if you can get two less expensive gowns at David’s Bridal or one and order more fabric that matches the bottom of the gown, that can be a solution.
ZD, I agree, in NY it would never work. It must be in a smaller community.
MP, not at all. I have said my peace and I will choose to just ignore them from here on in. They have a right to their opinion as I have said all along but they don’t have a right to judge me or tell me what I think, what I know or what I do. Obviously I don’t need them to tell me what to do or who I should speak to as they don’t know where I have been, whom I have spoken to and what I have seen. I have a lists of people they can speak to as well which I am NOT publishing. As I said they will think what they choose and do what they choose. I can’t control anyone but myself and I can’t change other people. Everyone has bechira and it is up to them to make the necessary changes in themselves to learn and grow as you yourself learn every day.
What I am wondering though is if Ben Levi and Shlishi are one in the same.
Any young man who can not understand why he should commit to a second date is not understanding enough to be dating girls from out of town to begin with. If you are only concerned with yourself then you are not ready to get married.
It is a segulah and I don’t know where it comes from. I don’t know if it brought down in a sefer or it was brought over from Europe but I know that it is something that was handed down for generations.
A Rebbetzin in my neighborhood once told a friend of mine who was having an issue “never put anything in writing, you never know when it will come back to haunt you”. That was very, very good advice. And that was in a situation where she was willing to apologize for something that she wasn’t even in the wrong about. The Rebbetzin told her tell her your sorry if you wish just for the sake of Shalom but don’t put it in a letter because if things don’t work out, she could use that as an admission of guilt and use it against you.
The power of the pen is something to be very careful about, even if you mean to do good. One must be very careful with their words and what they choose to relate.
Dave, A young friend of mine lost her baby girl just a few days after she was born. She suffers the pain that Naomi writes about. She has not been able to cope and I feel it in everything Naomi said. She does have another child and yet she has not reached that level yet that she can receive enough from him to cover her loss.
Our losses as yidden are huge and there are many who still wish to destroy us and divide us. we must always keep that in mind when the yetzer horah laughs at us as it works so easily to make us divide and destroy each other from within. That was our downfall in the past. And that is why the Yetzer Horah laughs at us, because we have yet to learn our lessons.
Just because you committed to a second date does not mean that she committed to a second date. She might just say no to a second date and let you off the hook.
Yes if she is the one spending the money and making the effort to come in she deserves two chances. She may be tired and feel awkward on the first date. After all the situation in itself is awkward. You are not picking her up from her home, where you are meeting her parents. She is not meeting you on her own turf where she is comfortable and accustomed to her surroundings. She might have forgotten her best shoes at home, or her favorite sweater or something. The first date is going to be awkward for her. But the second date might be better, since she has already gotten past the first stage of awkwardness.
So the best thing is to make her feel as comfortable as possible on the first date and help her past that stage and then consider the second date for her the first date for you.
Ben Levi, you don’t know reality from fiction. Because you don’t know anything about me, yet you keep speaking as if you do. You have no clue what I hold from Rav Elyashuv and to make such a comment is as ludicrous as everything else in your post.
Do I know you? Do I analyze you or shlishi? Have I commented on either of you personally, what you think or what you hold by? And there is the difference between having a discussion with a normal person and having a discussion with someone who is promoting their own agenda and lies. That also ties in with the other thread about labeling and Holier than thou assumptions.
Middlepath, lets not talk about your father in particular. If you choose to bring it on another thread that will be your choice. Let’s talk in general terms. If Rabbonim assign someone to supervise or shadow a molester 24/7 then they are protecting the public from him. In that case, they can be sure he will not harm anyone. He can not go to the mikveh, he cannot go to the children’s park. He cannot start up with a child on the street. He has someone by he side 24/7 that he walks with and talks to so he can do no harm. There is no question about this.
Therapy doesn’t work because as you said he does not wish to admit or own up to what he is doing, and he does not have control over his impulses. But if he is never alone and cannot act on his impulses there is less of a chance of danger. A door man or 24 hour surveillance in the building does not monitor what any perpetrator does outside the building or to anyone that wanders into one’s home. So as you said the Rabbonim could have handled it better and they do become lax as the years pass.
Shlishi, you have changed the subject from sexual abuse and molestation to parental physical abuse and removing the children from the home (which is also a terrible issue but not the issue under discussion). Is this the way to prove your point, by changing the subject to reflect the answer you are looking for? Obviously everyone can see what you are doing. I’m done trying to have a normal conversation or debate with you.
Not according to Rav Eliyashuv. Please google his p’sak and read it for yourself so I don’t influence you.
Here we go again. If the Man who is a molester is NOT being watched 24/7 and is left to his own devices then it is still possible that he is harming children. As long as the Rabbonim arranged that he was watched 24/7 THEY had control of the situation to some degree. Once they no longer chose to maintain that control they no longer kept the community safe from him and the danger he presents.
If Shlishi chooses to see this as an attack on Rabbonim then he chooses to be blind and ignore what is being said and pointed out. He just chooses as always to ignore the problem and just argue with me. I choose NOT to argue with him just point things out to the rest of the CR.
Rabbonim cannot control these predators. They can try but rarely can they keep up a 24/7 surveillance on them. They can insist that they go to therapy but they can’t make therapy work. Statistics prove that therapy does NOT work. Nor can they keep up year after year to make sure that the perpetrator is still going and following the rules they set up for him.
The reason a 30 year old would have a 15 year old friend is that a teenager would look up to that person and find that person easy to talk to and someone they can trust and open up to. So there is an attachment there and the 30 year old is a friend, mentor, big brother/sister. However you want to put it. It is hard to put a name to it other than “friend”. But still a 30 year old can find something they can admire, respect and appreciate in that a teenager.
adorable, I don’t agree that Hashem is crying with us especially after reading some of the posts this week. I believe Hashem is crying BECAUSE of us.
MP, then the Rabbonim DID NOT do a good job!
People seem to misplace their common sense at times and they also lack common courtesy.
If my husband invites meshulachim in I always put cold drinks on the table. Something my mother taught me.
MP, I am sorry for you and your tzar. Is your father monitored 24/7?
A friend is someone you can trust and you can count on. A friend is also someone you admire and can learn from. Is there really and age limit on that?
I apologize for the typos, the computer automatically changes the words to what is in its dictionary. The correct word was “ANUV” obviously. Please see the humor in this.
I hope you just waited for him to tie it up by himself.
aries~ IMO good rock ‘n roll is music from the ’60’s & ’70’s.
OTOH– hip-hop, & “Gangsta rap.. a subgenre of hip hop.. reflects the violent lifestyles of inner-city American black youths.” with “lyrics [that are] more violent, openly confrontational, and shocking… featuring incessant profanity.”
Obviously those were not the ones I was suggesting he listen to. OTOH, there are a lot of fun upbeat hip hop tunes that do NOT contain vulgar, violent lyrics. And I never said “RAP”. That is a whole different genre that I happened to despise.
There are two things I would suggest. Never put the child directly behind you. Always put the car seat diagonally behind you so your peripheral vision as you turn to check the seat next to you sees the car seat. Second, put your cell phone next to the child. That is usually the first thing you grab when you leave the car or the first thing you search for when you get inside. Also get an extra wide rear view mirror so you always see the car seat and the child each time you check your mirror.
Yaela, I realize that, what I meant was, they should not depend or turn to their children for help and solutions. You are entitled to live your own healthy and separate lives.
Next…..
I Love the Barney song. I sing it with my 2 year old granddaughter every day. And I can’t even begin to tell you what I feel when she says she loves me. There is nothing in the world like it. “I Yuv you Bobby!” YUUUUUUUUUMMMMMMMY!
If I take my granddaughters to the rest room with me, and they are finished and it is my turn they stand in front of MY door with their feet where I can see them. If it is a single bathroom they stay outside the door talking to me the entire time so that I hear them. They are not allowed to walk away from the door and they all have to either sing a song or talk to me through the door. If I am in the restroom with the girls and my grandson is outside, he has to keep talking so I hear him the entire time and know that he is there. If he is in the restroom alone I am outside the door. I don’t care if every man walking out thinks I am nuts, I am yelling in from the outside “E, are you ok? and he has to answer me”.
Yup, he changed things didn’t he?
You are right you should stay out of it. Your parents are adults and they should look to other adults for assistance.
Shlishi, finally WE agree! Mazal tov! Except for the fact that the Agudah never changed their position one iota. They did change their position which was to always go to a Rav. Now they have finally agreed with Rav Elyashev’s psak.
As a matter of fact at their recent conference with Mental Health professionals, they instructed them to go to a Rav and not report to the authorities even though they were mandated reporters. It was definitely a welcome change on the part of the Agudah! As much as you wish to believe otherwise it won’t change the facts. People who have been begging and pleading as well as petitioning the Agudah for change know this to be true. If you are NOT involved in the parsha on any level you would not have anyway of knowing this. So I don’t expect you to. I will not debate this any further with you. The K’lal needs to be educated, period end of the story.
Yaela, I think you have a good handle on the situation. You are probably right and it seems like he never took rehab seriously. Five months for a career addict is not serious work. A year in rehab and then living in a sober society would be more like it. How does he support his habit?
BTW, there was a pole done in a magazine recently an women were asked “what was the most Romantic thing your husband did for you in the past month?” You would be very surprised with the answers. They included:
Took out the garbage
Mowed the Lawn
Watched the kids while I slept
Gave me a Gift Certificate to the Spa
Did the grocery shopping
Told me I looked great
Made me dinner
Do I need to go on?
Halevei life should be that simple for little children.
shlishi, I am NOT changing the subject at all. I am praying that HE didn’t molest Leiby. It just doesn’t make sense. Why did he take him? I also don’t believe that Leiby asked him for directions nor that Leiby changed his mind and agreed to go with him to Monsey. I am not buying any of these lies. I am also saying that the complete truth has yet to be disclosed. YOU choose to believe that the whole truth has already been disclosed. WE obviously disagree. YOU claim I have an agenda, I feel YOU have an agenda and that is to keep sweeping this issue under the rug. The Agudah and the RCA has come out and said to go to the authorities. That has been long in coming for the Agudah and now they are finally where they should have been a long time ago. Could Leiby have been saved? Yes possibly. Was it Leiby’s time to die? Only Hashem knows but in my humble opinion if it was his time to go probably NOT in this horrific way. And if it was his time to go, there still could have been a meilitz yosher who could have intervened for him. Again in my opinion.
My problem is with people who keep interfering with the need to teach parents, mechanchim and children of the internal and external dangers facing our children. This danger unfortunately presents itself both in the home, in the school, in the shul, in the mikveh and in the streets. Everywhere where you think you can relax because it is a safe haven, can still be a danger zone. Unfortunately, we can’t take anything for granted and educating the K’lal is extremely important. Unfortunately when a chochem like you keeps piping in with your nonsense claiming you know what I am thinking and what I want, what I know and what my agenda is, trying to drum up some support you get in the way of educating the public.