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I am quite sure that anyone that wishes to be inspired will choose to go to the website you posted. On the other hand, people who come here are NOT looking for mussar nor to be judged or spoken down to. So I politely ask if we can cut it out and get off that track once again.
Maybe you can quote what Rav Shterbuch says about the internet, I am sure he includes it in his interpretation and yet here you are with the rest of us, so again I say, please stop judging and giving mussar.
Was the bakery called Malman’s?
Bomb, and so is the Rambam, Rashi, and most of the other chachamim and gedolim that are always quoted, obviously you have a problem listening.
In coaching i try to teach my clients to “listen to understand” otherwise listening is pointless.
IR, only you know what the emotional issues are that effected your ex Kallah. You didn’t answer my inquiry if the Kallah had these issues before the engagement or if it is something that developed during the engagement. If these two girls are very close and the girl in question still supports the ex-kallah she will not do anything in the world to hurt her. In addition, there is a huge inyan of not hurting anyone when it comes to fertility and having children. Depending on how you broke it off with your ex-kallah and her family, would it be possible to approach them and say that obviously it was not meant to be, but Hashem does have a plan for all of us, and maybe his plan was not for the two of you, but for you to meet the friend and see her qualities. Let them know that you are not looking to hurt your former Kallah, but you would like her permission to date her friend because you do not want friction between the friends and do not want to break up a friendship. If it would cause her pain, then you should forget about it and move on.
Just her knowing that it might work out for her friend and you, she might love her friend enough to allow the two of you to try. She might not say yes right away, but giving her the opportunity to think about it, she might come around within weeks or a couple of months.
I am saying this because if you cause her additional pain knowing her emotional situation it can effect you and your future wife later on when you are trying to have children. That is a huge inyan. So maybe this is something you really should discuss with your Rav and review your whole situation in regards to the break up, how you handled it. How your ex feels about you right now. How she would feel if you dated her friend, etc. If she has no hard feelings towards you, maybe it is she that you should approach first.
Car 54 where are you?
My mother the car
Rocky and Bullwinkle
The Farmer’s Daughter
Father Knows Best
My Little Margie
Check the Jewish Press.
Funland in Fallsburg,
And what was the name of the bakery in Woodridge and South Fallsburg? They had the best dinner rolls.
Depending on who and what, there are some people who do make a tenaim before the wedding and some who do it at the wedding. If you make tenaim before the wedding and then have second thoughts about the marriage, the Rabbis will still force the marriage to go through because you can’t break a tenaim. In addition, sometimes a couple will have second thoughts, either one or the other or both, or one or the other will find something out that concerns them and either the parents or other advisors like a Rav will talk them into going through with the wedding and yet they still feel it is wrong. That can make a Kallah sad.
Sometimes it is just happy tears and happy emotions (hormones) that just run out of control. Please daven for her that she should be happy and have a bayis neeman.
Momma, here is another easy coaching practice more for you than for her. If she says for instance “that chair would look much better under the window” which of course to you seems like a criticism and that you can’t do anything right…. try saying “do you really think so? I guess I can try it and see if I like it that way. I can always put it back if I don’t.” In that way you validate her opinion which she is entitled to whether it is appropriate for her to say it or not; and you can hear her out without feeling that she is criticizing you rather than voicing an opinion. You can then try it out and see if she actually has a good eye where furniture is concerned and see if you like it that way or not, you never know you might learn to value her opinion. If you don’t you put it back and the next time you can say “mom, it tried putting the chair the way you suggested, I understood why you said it, but I prefer it this way. I appreciate that you tried to help though.
In this way, you are not ignoring her comments, not getting hurt by her comments, showing her that you respect her and hear her and yet showing her that the choices are still yours to make.
In a different scenario where she would comment on your cooking or cleaning you can say “I hear that, so how did you manage to impress YOUR MIL with your cooking and cleaning while raising your family? As you know it is not so easy while raising small kids. What were your tricks when your kids were young and you were expecting your in-laws over? Is there anything you can share with me?”
OK, here is the halacha, Yes Kaved es avicha v’es imecha does apply to in-laws. That was discussed here many times.
In addition being dan l’kaf z’chus also applies to in-laws. I can see and understand that you are very frustrated. All I can suggest that will be extremely helpful is that you learn how to “coach” your MIL. You need to learn how to listen to understand her an not take everything as a negative. When she speaks just repeat what she says so she thinks you are listening and getting it. That is all she wants, then of course it is up to you to make your own choices. You can add a “is that how you raised your kids, thats interesting.” just to sweeten the pot. But remember that it is up to you to make your own choices. By learning how to coach her you can steer her in the right direction without hurting her feelings while feeling like you are in control and not getting hurt yourself. So if she makes a comment about a friend of yours you might say “Ma, why does that bother you?” or “Why do you allow that to bother you, she is not someone you see often or you spend time with so why let that bother you so much?” In that way you are initiating a conversation in a non-confrontational way, and forcing her to face her negativity.
The first thing that comes to mind is this. At any point during the dating process did anyone, meaning your Kallah or her family, make you aware of her emotional (mental) issues? In other words, were things kept from you that should have been revealed to you?
That is an important question. If the kallah had these issues before she was presented to you, and you were NOT told about it, there is no reason what-so-ever that you should have any guilt pursuing any of her friends if one of them is more suited to you. And I don’t think that her friend would have a problem responding in the affirmative either in such a situation.
On the other hand, if the Kallah developed issues during the engagement that she did not display earlier, or you knew about he issues but thought that you could deal with them, then you should be more careful how you go about it. Maybe you should go back to the original shadchan and have her make the call. Or go to your Rosh Yeshiva and have him call the girl’s parents. He can explain the situation better and he can explain that there is nothing wrong with the two of you dating.
Sorry I missed the party. Happy Birthday Goq, may you happily celebrate birthdays with family and friends till 120.
Here is the solution. Hire a sitter and don’t “use” your MIL. If you have complaints about her then you are not building a good relationship with her and are only using her for your convenience when you have grievances against her. If you have grievances against her you should NOT be using her.
Work on your relationship and try to understand where she is coming from. If she is a worrier and you are a calmer person then she is not the type of person that should be watching your kids if you want to go out and relax. If she comes over and asks to take your kids out, that is a different story. My mom A”H, used to ask me when I am coming home and that made me nervous and made me feel rushed when I went out. If I agree to babysit for my kids I never call them to come home and if they call I tell them to take their time and enjoy their night out.
If your MIL worries when your kids are sick, don’t tell her when your kids are sick. If she comes over when your kids are sick, reassure her before she asks that your child has….and that you already took him to the doctor who is not concerned. Then involve her by asking if your husband ever had…. and what she used to do for it. Then you can let her know how things are done differently. In that way you are including her and informing her about today’s methods.
When I am with my grandchildren I have to use today’s methods and not what I did when my children were babies. I know NOT to put babies on their stomachs or even on their sides like when my first grandchild was born. I have to keep up with the changes. So my daughter and DIL’s talk and discuss with me. I don’t complain but I do have questions at times. When I asked why medicine wasn’t given at a time when my grandchild was coughing I was told that medicine is no longer given at such a young age. So that was something new for me. When my kids were that age, they were given medicine.
I took four of my grandchildren to the pool today and wound up meeting 3 more of my grandchildren there. I only brought 5 snacks. Two of my girls said, “That’s OK bobby, you can give mine away”.
When I graduated HS i actually typed 95 words a minute on a manual typewriter. That is how prepared we were to go out in the real world. A roll of film was a roll of film and 35 ml cameras still use them, instamatics were a drop in cartridge. The first tape recorders also had film that were threaded through on two wheels that turned and not tape cartridges.
Why are you trying to make us feel old?
So you met a crazy person who did NOT know the killer is in jail? Maybe he should also be in jail or check himself into a psych ward.
Hey brother, I didn’t say that there is no good stuff in High School, it is probably the best time of your youth and you will make memories you will remember your entire life. You will learn more in High School than any other time frame in your life. Things that will stick with you forever.
I was just explaining the scary stuff. That is the scary stuff, know its coming, that is what it is, get it out of the way and then get on with it.
The scariest thing about High School is that you are NOT at the top of the ladder and YOU are NOT the cool ones or the important ones. YOU are now at the bottom of the wrung. YOU are newbies coming in wet behind the ears. You are the freshies and the lowest of the low and everyone will make sure you know it. That is the hardest thing about your first year in High School. The idea is to knock the “I’m great, I’m grand, I am a graduate” out of your head. As you enter High School you are a nobody just learning the ropes.
Where you might have had 5 or 6 classes a day in elementary school you will have 10 classes or periods in one day in High School. Yes you will have more classes and more teachers than you can count and remember. And yes, they each think they are the only ones. It is up to you to step up to the plate and do your best. You have to get into the swing of things quickly without whining and kvetching about it. Everyone pays their dues and goes through it. Just do your best to get into the swing of things and get your work done. If you don’t know what you are doing ask someone for help so you catch up quickly. Don’t fall behind at the beginning or you will be in big trouble quickly. Don’t show off, yet don’t be shy. Be confident but don’t be bratty and show off because they will zoom in on you and try to trip you up.
Also in many High Schools the Teacher doesn’t change rooms the students do. So have funny running up and down the stairs in less than 4 minutes between classes.
Why would anyone want to go see “real dead people”?
MP thanks,
MG, I love Cesar Milan, now if he could only train people the way he trains dogs, the world would be a better place.
I am a retired bookkeeper/office manager. In my retirement I became a mentor and certified Life Coach. Now I only work for cheesed and to help others. I don’t go out looking for clients. I have never taken a penny from anyone and only work with people Hashem sends my way.
Different city and states, have their own ways of doing things and they are totally acceptable to the Olam. We went to a wedding in Toronto and all they had at the shmorg was chips, pretzels some veggies and sodas. We were very surprised because from the chosson’s side we all traveled very far and were quite hungry. But this was totally acceptable and expected in Toronto and they tried to keep everything on time. Guess how much their shmorg costs compared to what we do here in New York?
And even in NY, many people have chosen to only have a cold shmorg vs a hot one. People are starting to realize that they should cut back and not try to top their neighbors. Do whatever you can afford to do.
My last aufruf I got smart. I decided to have a washing kiddush and then just served dessert to the family that was staying for the speeches and the benching. I did not serve another full lunch after the hot kiddush. I added a few extra things to the kiddush for everyone to enjoy. I saved thousands of dollars by incorporating the two.
You have to think of what you really need to do versus what everyone expects you to do and go with it. Many, many more people are inviting just the family and close friends for the meal and more to the chupah and simchas chosson v’kallah. Do what is most meaningful for you and your kallah and don’t worry about impressing others.
MD, Try this, there are more people reading this thread than were actually standing and doing whatever he saw at the moment and needing correcting at that moment. Therefore, tikun loam. Now many more people are aware NOT to act in that manner.
Halfagirl, you and I both know any guy that says he does not take out the garbage is either lying or is about to receive a long talk from his Rebbe.
Put on anti-friz spray, take an umbrella and mention that “it is so muggy outside, I hope you had a back up plan for the rain”.
I don’t think WIY is being motzei shem rah in the least. He is pointing out a flaw in thinking and acting. It is a tikun Olam that has to be taken very seriously.
Second generation survivors are in a category all their own. People who did not live through it don’t understand it, people who are not in the second generation category do not have the same sensitivities, philosophies, inner strengths, inbred guilts, learned responsibilities, a million and one learned and inherited bits and pieces that only a survivor can teach and give over.
For instance “I can’t” is NOT in my dictionary. My mother a”h always taught us that you never know what you are capable of until you are challenged with it, so never say I can’t, try and see what you CAN accomplish.
If someone snuck in one potato in the bunker where there were 20 women, they would either divide the potato among the twenty woman or decide to sneak it across the fence to the men because they worked harder. Can you even imagine why this foolish UO vs MO controversy is so stupid and hurtful to me????? And probably to so many other second generation survivors? Women in the camps would give the men a whole precious potato not caring if they were chassidim, misnagdim, Frum or frei and here in the CR, some are forcing a debate between MO and UO and the moderators don’t shut it down. The Nazis YM experimented on twins, do you think they cared if they were MO or UO twins or what their philosophies were? Get over yourselves already!!! Sit down and eat a potato together and remember you are lucky to share one!
I disagree, very few didn’t survive. Most rebuilt because they were saved. Most rebuilt because they had no other choice. Most rebuilt to tell their stories so no one would forget. Most rebuilt so those that died, would be remembered that was the fire that grew from the ashes.
Here, here! I second that!
RG, if you have not learn anything from the tone of this thread then I will spell it out for you. Since the “boys” do not give the girls the courtesy they deserve their opinion on whether the date was a bust or the shidduch has no chance is a bit skewered and therefor it is NOT left up to them to make that decision it is up to the young lady involved. However, if she feels it was a bust she will probably choose not to suffer through a second episode.
I will only say that if the family thinks its appropriate, then its appropriate. If the family thinks otherwise then it isn’t. When little Moshe lost his parents in Mumbai, the songs were to be mechazek him and not about him.
Standard:
Thank you so much for your thoughtful gift and for participating in our simcha. (helping us celebrate our wedding). May we all share many wonderful simchas together in the future.
I am fed up with all these “boys” I can’t say men, who are so smug and full of themselves because they have the upper hand at the moment vis a vis shiduchim. Because in the end the playing fields is always leveled out. Hashem has a plan for everyone and no matter how much better you are than the girls who “nebech” do not have as many choices and dates as you do, and have to do the traveling in search of dates, and so on….And you think your in hot demand and hot pursuit and you think YOU are in charge of the picking and choosing. Know this. YOU ARE GOING TO TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE LIKE EVERY OTHER HUSBAND!!!! and be grateful for the privilege of having such an amazing wife no matter who HASHEM picks for you.
Hey there, is there something wrong with your hearing? Don’t you hear me? Turn up the volume.
5. The debate is useless anyway, it is already just bating each other into nonsense.
Please explain why there has to be a UO vs MO. Don’t we have enough “vs” from the outside world?
Project Inspire!
And as we all know the Tzaddik will wind up on top.
As you can see your point was ignored completely!
Every Jew that lived survived and rebuilt. And NO ONE knows what becomes of the families they raised. There is a pintele yid in every Jew who will turn back to Torah and Mitzvos one day. Anyone who thinks or believes differently has no emunah and does not understand anything about the survivors of the holocaust.
So don’t call MY brethren frei, MO, OTD or anything else. Stop labeling them and just be proud to be one amongst many who can spit on Hitler’s plan.
The point of the story as I read it was this…
The 11 year old felt uncomfortable, wisely told his parents, who called the sherriff and went looking for this guy also warning people in the neighborhood. Kudos! Well done.
The parents taught the child well. The child was comfortable enough to discuss with his parents what happened and not ignore it, and the situation was handled appropriate. READ and LEARN.
I will step into the chreidi perspective for a moment, “did anyone ask Daas Torah if this is appropriate??????
Minyan gal I once had to sew my SIL into her gown because it didn’t line up right and was totally off balance. I just zipped as best I could and realigned as best I could with about a thousand stitches.
bein_hasdorim, seriously? Did you miss the title? Do we have to spell it out for you? W-E-D-D-I-N-G D-R-E-S-S-E-S That should have stopped you right there (Yawn right back at ya!) What made you read further?
The demolition garbage container, penalty clause for missing deadline, NO demolition until everything is ordered and delivered (otherwise they demolish your bathroom and don’t come back for three weeks).
Hanging the medicine cabinets
Electric outlets and switches
Lighting
painting
windows & doors
Lead pan under shower and tub
heating/ a/c
Basically everything
And BTW pay for all the raw materials yourself so they can’t put a lien on your house if your contractor doesn’t pay the store. Pay all the subs yourself as well. Make copies of all the checks you pay out and keep clear and concise records. Write everything down including names, times and phone numbers.
Never get ahead of yourself. Make a payment schedule. Pay “x” amount after demolition. “X” after laying tiles. etc. If they didn’t lay the tiles don’t give them the money you were supposed to give them for laying the tiles. If they didn’t install the fixtures don’t give them the money until they are in and work well. Don’t finish paying them until everything is completed to your satisfaction.
I am also second generation survivor and it is a philosophy that rules my life.
bpt, not all of us allow this to happen as you can tell by the debate. I absolutely agree with you. And by the way you obviously were asking a rhetoric question if he was a full time learner. What would a full time learner be doing on the internet? That does NOT compute!
Obaminator, does your wife agree with your decision to be on the internet then too? Does she get a turn or is it just for you?
Mods, are you all enjoying this? And the purpose of all this nonsense is??????? Are you going to let it keep going even though you can already see the direction it is heading?
If that is the only reason, then you can call the Hebrew Free Burial Society or Misaskim and have someone go talk to them. I am sure if someone from the Chevra Kadisha of their neighborhood went to speak to them, something could be arranged from the Hebrew Free Burial Society as well.
Goq, I’m so sorry, it is so sad but that is the truth. You can’t choose your parents, although parents do sometimes get to choose the kids. How ironic.
GAW, but you see such a debate would never happen in the REAL world because Rav Shmuel and R’ Lamm respect each other and would never, ever go there!