aries2756

Do you babysit? Can you join a choir or dance group? Do you swim? Can you tutor? Do you like word games? Can you take up art? Music? Do you play a musical instrument?

Happiest, Did you read the book “HUSH”. I just read it over Shabbos. The author tells her own story about this issue and how she dealt with it.

How did I miss this thread? Mazal Tov!

Chein, I agree about whatever works for the couple. If the couple has a good strong marriage it is not a problem. If they don’t they have problems no matter what.

Sometimes machutonim get so caught up in the planning of the wedding and who has to pay for what, and this cost more than that, and you were supposed to pay and you didn’t, and I asked you to do this for me and you didn’t want to, that it gets completely out of hand and causes tremendous machlokes. Sometimes it is about support for the kids. Whatever it is, they are not the only partners in the shidduch, Hashem is as well. Sometimes these things work out and sometimes they don’t that would all depend on how much work these kids want to put into their marriage and how important their marriage is to them. They should never allow either side to get in between them. If the parents don’t get along, it is their loss.

Happiest, if you are in danger then go NOW and don’t think about it. Call Hatzolah and go, they will give you the support you need. If you are 18 and over they will NOT tell your parents what the issue is if you ask them not to tell. They will tell you what the local Rabbonim paskened on whether you can return on Shabbos or not. In my neighborhood, Hatzolah has an account with a local car service so people can come go home. They give a card to the patients and the hospital calls for them.

Happiest, please don’t wait till Shabbos begins. Just know although the complications because of chill Shabbos just makes the anxiety worse. If you are not capable of getting the issue under control and feel that you should be in a hospital let Hatzolah take you otherwise you will be sitting in the emergency room forever and a day. Refuah Sheleimah

Yiddin need to understand how lucky we are to have been born into Yiddishkeit. Seriously. We do have ups and downs but we have to have emunah and bitachon in Hashem and that is what gets us through the hard times. It is unfortunate that our religion is taught negatively with the list of don’ts when it should be taught positively with the list of do’s. A Yid should be b’simcha and be happy to serve Hashem. When you are surrounded by the positives you don’t look at the lo tasseh’s as negatives you look at them as gedarim, boundaries and safeguards or how compassionate our religion is because it does not allow us to do certain things that will effect others or ourselves negatively.

For instance when I explain not eating milk and meat together to a goy, I say we are a compassionate people. How could we possibly cook a calf in the milk of its mother? I speak about how Hashem thought everything out to the Enth degree even to avoid such a minute occurrence.

That’s very interesting, I hope you don’t mind if I bring something else up that I see as well. It has nothing to do with this, but it is also something that I learned as a kid and reiterated in Kallah class and yet I see women forgetting and/or ignoring for convenience sake.

At the nail salon, many women including Frum women often ask to get their mani/pedi done at the same time to speed things up and save time. That means that two women are working on you at the same time. I was always told as a child, that only on a “mais” are more than one person allowed to work on the same person. For instance when dressing a child, the mother can’t put on the hat and coat while the father puts on the boots. Or a Kallah, someone can’t help her into her shoes, while another girls is zipping her dress.

I explained that to my manicurist and whenever they suggest I do it to speed things up, I tell them “I’m not dead yet” and we all laugh. But seriously, is this halacha or just superstition? Did I just believe this to be halacha because we took it so seriously all our lives?

Goq, the kids called my aunt a shiksa so she asked them “how do you know that I am a shiksa?” in perfect yiddish. (she learned 7 languages as a child in Czechoslovakia). The kids said because she doesn’t cover her hair. She didn’t miss a beat, she told them (again in yiddish) that she never married and therefore didn’t have to. They were shocked.

Mod-80, good point!

My aunt who is 89 b”ah, lived in BP for a few years about 10 years ago. These little boys on her block called her a shiksa. She is an Auschwitz survivor and she was a pre-school teacher. She asked them in Yiddish, “vi zoi veis tu az ech bin a shiksa?” So they said that because she doesn’t cover her hair she is a shiksa. So she said, “Ech bin nisht farheiret ech darf nisht!”. They were so shocked she left them with their mouths hanging open.

My aunt unfortunately never married. But she is one of the smartest women I know.

PBA, wearing helmets is a NY State law for a very good reason. I have seen how a helmet cracked in half when my friend’s child hit a rock on the road while riding his bike and flipped over. That could have been his skull that cracked in half. B”H he was wearing a helmet. That is a very serious issue and parents NEED to implement that rule. No helmet no bike. It is absolutely negligence if a parent does not enforce this rule. If a cop sees this a parent gets a fine and should be fined. Children are NOT dispensable and parents should STOP taking them for granted. Every parent needs to check that the area they are playing in is safe.

On the other issue neighbors have to be good citizens and good neighbors and not think that the world was created just for them. It has nothing to do with chasidish, yeshivish, Jew or gentile.

s2021, I don’t believe you can control an emotion until it happens and you understand the emotion and why you are feeling it. Anger is an emotion. You can take control of it only at the point that you understand it. So most probably the first reaction is to “feel” angry and once you realize that you actually gave instructions to do this and therefor are responsible for this the anger will subside and you will probably find it funny.

Happiest, unfortunately you are NOT alone, there are many feeling exactly what you are feeling, but B”H, you are capable of voicing your feelings. There are so many in your parsha who have not found their voice yet, let alone a support system. So even though that person has taken a walk for now, WE are here for you, and you have already accomplished so much just by finding your voice, speaking up and looking for support in the first place. Please do not let this set you back. There are survivors around who are willing to step up to the plate and offer support. There are support groups, and people who are willing to listen. Not everyone is cut out to carry such a huge burden on their shoulders. Believe me as painful as it was for you to experience it is also painful for someone that cares about you to imagine and accept that someone can do that to you, this great and wonderful and innocent being who couldn’t defend herself. Sometimes, that burden and knowledge just gets too difficult to bare.

So please reach out to those who can handle the pain and support you through your struggle.

Kallah, yes you have good instincts and you are on the right track. It would be appropriate for you to bring something. The suggestion that you bring pictures in a nice album or a nice picture of you and the chasson in a very nice frame if you haven’t done that already is probably the best idea.

The next to the best idea is to bake chocolate chip cookies (who doesn’t like them), which are the easiest cookies to bake and bring them on a very nice platter that they would be very proud to use again.

Those are the two simplest and least awkward things to do. The next in line is flowers, but that is something that is not so special because your father-in-law might get his wife flowers on a regular basis.

My daughter-in-law came with a cookie jar filled with home made chocolate chip cookies the day she came to meet us. That was an unusual move and totally not necessary but very impressive and thoughtful.

Keep it small and thoughtful.

CM, B”H you came to the right place.

Thank you all, I truly appreciate it. Goq I noticed but of course I am always mochel. Goq, now that we are entering Elul and Tishrei I just wanted to give you a Brocha that you have a year filled with bracha and simcha, and that you find what you are looking for.

workinonit, Please work on NOT apologizing so much. That is not good for your self-confidence and self-esteem. There is no reason for it. So that is one thing you can work on.

Second, rejection hurts and it is a bit humiliating but it is not life threatening so we just have to get used to it breathe through it and move on. It certainly is NOT comfortable but it happens to all of us. We all have to learn to deal with it some time in our life. So add a few friends of friends to your circle and try. Keep adding to your circle and keep participating it will become easier and easier as you practice. Life can’t be safe all the time. But you have to keep working on it and trying. After an experience good or bad stand in front of your mirror and tell yourself “that went well” or “That didn’t go so well, but here I am still in one piece, I will have to try again.” How does that sound, do you think you can try it?

momma, no one knows what is going on behind closed doors. When someone sees you they don’t know the truth either. People learn to become excellent actors so please don’t compare yourself to others. No one really knows the truth and what anyone else’s pekel really is. Please try to remember that. One person might be battling a serious illness in the family, one might be having in-law problems, or a learning disability in the family. On the outside everyone else’s life always looks fabulous and the grass always looks greener on the other side.

Please find yourself a support system that can offer you the kind of support you need, or come here and ask us. We will always be here for you and will be available to you any time of day or night. You are carrying a very heavy burden and it is not easy dealing with such a sick individual. I am very happy that you are NOT allowing yourself to be his victim but you are taking a survivors stance and choosing to survive anything he “throws” at you 🙂 for the sake of the kids. Please make sure you are safe and I hope that you are putting emergency money aside for yourself in case there comes a time when you have to make a run for it.

For the Best, I advocate for victims and I can tell you that a victim CANNOT in any way control the situation. That is why the abuser picked you. If you were the type of person that could stand up for yourself or the type of person that would run and tell, you would NOT be a good candidate to be a victim. Abusers look for victims they can groom and those who are vulnerable in a way that they can control. Those that they can threaten and those that they can be sure will NOT tell and will NOT be able to fight back.

It was absolutely, positively NOT your fault, and there was NOTHING you could do at the time. YOU were not prepared, taught or trained HOW to protect yourself, what to do if you were approached by such a menuval, and how to behave in such a horrific situation. NOW that you are grown up you are in control of your own choices and NOW you can choose to no longer be a victim and be a survivor. YOU can choose to never be anyone’s victim ever again and YOU can choose whether you are ready at this time to press charges against him or if you still need more time before doing so. You may never be ready, I can’t know that, only you and your therapists will know. But the choice is yours.

There is a very famous story about a Rav who went to be menachem avail and just sat with the family and cried. He said nothing just sat and cried when he left others asked him what happened why he didn’t console the family. He said “what more could I say. I cried with them to share their pain and ease some of the pain off their shoulders”.

sorry Bomb, thats what they named it.

CM, when someone comes to the home of shiva and feels their loss, or feels that they themselves have suffered a loss through this petira, it only shows the aveilim “mi kamcha yisroel”, that they are not alone and not forgotten. They don’t need people to cheer them up, they need people to understand their loss.

Goq, just trust in Hashem,

It depends on the style you are looking for. Satin is stiff and has a lot of body to it. On the other hand charmeuse is more of a clingy, drapey shiny fabric mimicking a chiffon or jersey type of fabric in the way it falls and lays.