Forum Replies Created
-
Posts
-
It is painful to watch. I can’t even fathom such a thing. How could any person do such a think in public and it seems that his wife instigated the entire thing. For shame on both. B”H someone had the guts and Yiras Shamayim to stop him. It seemed like this young girl was used to this treatment. Imagine being thrown on the stone ground like a rag doll aside from being hit over and over again. The wife, who couldn’t possibly be the girl’s mother c”v, turned her back as if she could care less. In addition, others passed without doing anything, it took this “Gibor” to shove the father and make him stop and that point others also got involved and one woman poured a drink of water for the child, and a policeman got involved as well.
All this happening on the steps to the Kotel.
Methinks, the video is NOT a chilul Hashem. What this man did to his daughter, is the chilul Hashem and everyone should watch it to understand what “abuse” looks like. People need to see how ugly it truly is and how some parents treat their children and this isn’t even the worst of it. Take a good look and watch how the child doesn’t even run away or try to protect herself. This is how children are trained to be victims. Watch how the brothers just stand by like they are used to it.
workinonit, that is so sad. So lets be friends. What is your favorite food? What is your favorite color? What is your favorite book? How old are you? Everyone, who wants to be friends with Work-in-progress?
But Hashem wants us to respect every thing that he creates so in that sense, if you want to thank the cows go ahead. At the very least respect them.
Be the best person you can be. It is easy when your spouse does the same.
Sukkos in Israel is a pipe dream for most of us. It is big bucks and so are most of the hotel programs depending on how many are in your family. Don’t you have neighbors with sukkas that will invite you for meals? Or you can join if you cook for yourself?
Firstly, you can choose NOT to be their victim. I don’t remember how old you are, Can you tell us?
No wonder you feel so alone and isolated and can’t bring yourself to tell your parents thank you or that you love them. You should definitely find yourself a good friend and spend as little time as possible at home. What your parents choose to do to ruin their lives is NOT within your control. However, it is within your control what YOU choose to do with yours.
You can let your parents know in no uncertain terms that you do NOT wish to be a part of their arguments and that they should NOT count on you to take sides. They should kindly leave you out of it. If you don’t have the strength to say that outright, then write them each a letter and leave it where they can find it or write them a joint letter to “Dear Mommy and Tatty”. You can write something like the following:
It is very difficult for me to take the initiative and write this to you. You might not have noticed my struggles with all that is going on between the two of you. But what is going on between the two of you is affecting me negatively and I can’t stand it anymore. I don’t know whether or not you care about your marriage or not because it does not seem so from my perspective, but I care about my family and I don’t want to be dragged into it or be the scapegoat for everyone’s bad feelings and attitudes. I don’t deserve it and it is so unfair to me to be put through this. You are leaving me little choice but to go to a RAV to help me deal with the fall out. You have no idea or show little concern to what all this is doing to me, and believe me it is playing havoc with my life. So maybe the two of you can decide to work on begin a family together with me, or maybe we can figure out whom I can stay with so I won’t be negatively affected by what is going on between the two of you. I deserve to have a normal and happy life.
Thanks for listening.
Workinonit, this might be the wake up call they need to see the truth or the big elephant in the room that they are avoiding. The other part of it, is maybe you should talk to your Rav. Hatzlocha.
Ursula, you are a mentch first before all else.
Lets all give a bracha to the entire group of students, parents and mechanchim that they start off this year with a new understanding that they are working as a team for the success of the students and nothing else. It is not about the pride of the parents, teachers, or schools. It is not about building the schools’ or teachers’ reputation and it is not about outdoing or outshining any other institution or showing off who can outfrum or outclass the others. It is purely about the success of every single student. So lets keep that in mind and pray for it. Lets all give a bracha, that every person that is involved with a student looks upon them as Hashem’s child, worthy of love and attention, worthy of compassion and respect, and chooses not to listen to one word of lashon horah about them. Let this year be a year aimed at personal growth, accomplishment and success for everyone. Amen.
everything, can you do a little accounting for yourself and evaluate where you you think you are right now to where you were 6 months ago, and how seeing this therapist has helped? Then ask the therapist the same question. “I was surprised by our email and it made me think. What do you feel I have accomplished in the past 6 months since I have been coming here?”
If you both recognize the same accomplishments then you are on the same page. If you are not on the same page then that is some you should be discussing.
I have a question for all those who are against this. Why are so many single Frum girls going to Nursing school. Do you think they don’t do a rotation in labor and delivery?
You give them the attention they need for a while, and then you intervene and say, oh really that is not that important to me, I don’t really care about that. I am happy just being myself and not keeping up with all those shtuyos. YOU show that YOUR midos outshine all of that and that is what makes YOU a great person, someone she should want to emulate.
The point of goals is to be able to choose them in the order of being able to achieve them to build confidence and self-esteem. There are short term goals and long term goals so make sure to break them up accordingly.
Try to set 3 short term measurable and attainable goals that you can look back on an asses your progress and accomplishments and move on from there. As you accomplish these goals, move on to the next group. For instance what do you hope to accomplish in the next 2 months. Set those goals and really work on them. We can help you with that, if you state them on the cr “MY short term goals for the next 2 months.” We can advise you, encourage you an motivate you to keep you on track. At the end of the 2 months you can assess if you have reached your goals or how close you have come. Then you can choose another 3 goals for the next 2 months. At the end of the year you can look back and actually see how much you have accomplished and grown in the entire year.
Just looking, I would say have rachmonus on a lost soul.
No bad idea, not everyone plays nice in the sandbox.
Happiest, if you feel that you need mechila, of course we are mochel you, but it saddens me that you think that you did not show proper hakaros hatov or that you owe any of us anything. Absolutely not, we all have a very high regard for you. Please do NOT take even one step backwards and have even one negative thought. You have never done anything here that was NOT supportive and appreciative of other posters.
collegegrad, I am really sorry that you feel that way. In all honesty when I say that, I say it from love and not from pity. If I give someone a bracha it is because I care and I feel their pain.
It is a Segula for a couple who don’t have children to be Kvata at a bris. If we have to worry that they would be insulted by the phone call and the kibud then no one would give this kovod and z’chus to childless couples.
I understand your sensitivity in this issue, but how do you know that all these brochas do NOT help one find their zivug? Maybe all these brachas are being a meilitz yosher for the single person and is helping along with their own tefilos to reach Hashem? It is common for everyone to wish each other I”YH by your children as well, not only to singles. So please be aware no one is purposely going over to singles to “single” them out. But I do appreciate what you are saying and how sensitive you are.
Is it possible that you are just not receiving it in the way it is meant? Specifically because you are so sensitive about it? Obviously you don’t have to discuss your situation with any yenta, but a bracha is a bracha. And you never know where your shidduch is going to come from. I apologize in advance if I offended you in any way, it is not my intention. I truly understand what you are saying, but it is almost rude to not offer a bracha and good wishes to another person.
The best way to STOP feeling lonely is to “volunteer”. Give of yourself and you will feel a lot better about yourself. Everyone has some gift they can share with others. You say you are a teacher, maybe you can tutor some kids after school who can’t afford to pay for tutors. Maybe you can volunteer at a nursing home or hospital to work with kids who need to keep up. Maybe you can volunteer to read to others.
Another way to keep from being lonely aside from reading is keeping a journal. Be very tough on yourself and give yourself a time frame or page frame. YOU must write for at least half hour each night, or you must write at least 3 pages every night. Try to get into routines and good habits.
Another thing you can do is take up a musical instrument. When you do that, much of your spare time is taken up with practice and you get a sense of accomplishment as you progress.
If you are taking up reading, you can choose an author and read through his/her entire collection of books, or join a book club whether online or in person at the library. There is something I always wanted to do, and maybe you can do it for your local book store or for the school you work for (library). When I go shopping for my grandkids, the bookstore has no clue what books are appropriate for what age group. I would love to have a written guide according to book or according to author. Who better to do this than someone that has time on their hands and is bored? You can go into your local bookstore or school library and discuss it with them. Then you can call publishers and get their suggestions and start working on it. Who knows you can become famous for the first person that put together such a guide. Also it would be great if you can make a guide/chart for parents to print out for their kids, so they can keep a record of which books they have read so they, their parents and grandparents will know which books to buy and which to steer clear of in their appropriate categories.
happiest, I wish I could give you a hug and make you feel better so here it is:
? Huge Hug ?
Now, there is something you need to keep in mind. You can’t control other people only yourself and you can’t change other people only yourself. AND men are so different from women. The only person you can really count on 100% is you. There is no way of knowing how someone else is going to react to your problems and issues, your moods, your ups and downs, or anything else. Some people appear to be strong but are really just mush on the inside and some appear to be very weak and really step up to the plate when they have to.
Women expect men to be really strong, and someone we can lean on. That is not always the case. Sometimes they can just cave and go “What do you want from me? This is too much for me to handle” It is only when a man is totally committed to the relationship that he doesn’t find it to be a burden because then your pain is also his pain, and your problem is also his problem. “just a friend” is not really a committed relationship like a parent to a child or siblings or a husband to a wife. It is terribly painful when we think, that a person is our rock and they are our support system no matter what. It really takes a very mature person to be able to be that support system and be there for us through our pain and our tribulations.
Happiest, I know that you don’t need additional pain to add to what you are already going through and you didn’t need another betrayal. But he might have felt he was getting sucked into a relationship that he didn’t want and couldn’t handle. You might NOT be on the same page and that is very frightening to feel that a girl may care about you and rely on you way more than you are willing to care for them and want them to care and rely on you. He might be getting advice from his friends and family to cut and run.
While you are still in recovery from your issues, it is probably not a good idea or a good time to get involved with anyone on such a close or personal level. As you can see it could be too devastating and hurtful when it is not going well. In addition, it is never a good idea to rely on anyone else too heavily and it would be much more beneficial for you to find your inner strength and learn to rely on yourself and trust yourself. It is important to have a support system. But support is different than reliance and you really need to be able to differentiate the two.
Happiest, if your health depends on this person, there is a huge problem here and you need to speak about it with your therapist not with your friend. I hope this helps in some way.
workinonit, it sounds to me that you are going through too much for you to handle on your own. Sometimes lifes burdens are just too much for one person, a young person, or at least they seem to be. There are two ways for you to deal with it. Either find someone, an older person, a life coach, or a therapist, that can get you through the bumps. Or write down the whole big picture in a journal and then break off small pieces and just deal with them one at a time.
Sometimes life can seem very overwhelming. It is that way for many of us. But for a young adult it can be suffocating. But when you choose to deal with just one issue at a time until its conclusion and then bite off another one, until you muddle through as many as you can it is less overwhelming. That is how most adults tackle their problems. We can’t handle everything at once, so we just deal with what we can, the worst or the most pressing and then we move on to the next, and then the next.
Is that something you think you can do?
When my kids were little we lived in BP. We started out in a chasidish school because the pre-school was top notch. I didn’t take them out because the pre-1A rebbe was great and then the first grade Rebbe, an so on. We had a TV and the most I would allow my kids to watch was Sesame Street, The Big Blue Marble and Mr. Rogers. My boys came home talking about Ninja Turtles, and pretending they had nunchucks. I asked where they learned that from and they told me the other boys in yeshiva. I was quite shocked because I tried to keep them away from that.
I told them that those characters did not emulate god middos, they were always fighting and I didn’t want my boys to fight and so on. The yeshiva didn’t really care at the time because they told me boys fight. B”H your boys are normal, they fight.
blabla, you are going through your own nisayon right now, but you are not alone. And I am not talking about all the other people who carry their own burdens. Hashem is always by your side so please try to draw some strength from him. Even at the worst of times. Please also understand that Respect works two ways. Yes you have to respect your teachers, but you are also Hashem’s child and they have to respect you as well. So at the first sign of a teacher opening her mouth to you in front of the class please try to find your inner strength to say. “if you have something to say to me, Please do so in private” or “since you have no understanding of my circumstance I will be mochel you for yelling at me” that should get their attention and stop them at the very first instance. It will teach them a lesson they will never forget. If they afterward apologize and ask you what happened, you can say that “under the circumstances you obviously have a lack of trust in teachers and can’t share, but you will try to share with the guidance counselor, just know that it is not because of a lack of knowledge, ability or caring that sometimes my participation is lacking.”
blabla, in this week’s Mishpacha, there was a letter to a teacher similar but not quite, about how a child was dreading the first day of school each year when the teacher always asked them to write about their summer vacation. Since her family could NOT afford to send her to camp or take a summer vacation she was always embarrassed to write her composition and it always made her dread school. She asked the teacher to please realize that NOT everyone is lucky enough to enjoy summer vacations and to please stop giving that foolish assignment.
Blabla, it is time that the administrations taught teachers to be more sensitive. In these difficult times there are many issues that children go through. There are many issues due to the economy, there are a lot of illness in the home as well as shalom bayis issues, and emotional problems. There are financial issues that cause many arguments and problems. Everyone is very stressed out and no one knows the reasons why some kids are just not doing well. Teachers need to be sensitive and realize that there could be a variety of issues going on with any number of students. If a student is NOT doing well the first thing a teacher should do is ask how they can help the student and NOT put the student down in any way, shape or form. They should ask if the student understood the assignment, if they understood the work, if there is something going on that the child could not concentrate on the assignment. Is there something the child wants or needs to explain.
Blabla, you do NOT have to explain what your issue is, but you can tell the guidance counselor that you were in the ER last night until whatever time it was and that is why you didn’t do well on the assignment and that the fact that you were in the ER is confidential. The GC can send a note to the teacher to allow you to redo the assignment. It probably is best to work with the GC anyway than try to handle the teachers on your own. The GC can say that you are working on an issue that is effecting you but are making tremendous progress so it is not going to effect you in the future. That she is not very concerned about it but it is confidential and she can’t talk about it. I am sure that you and the GC can figure something out.
KA, every person is different. Some people are very private and do not want anyone knowing their business. It is very difficult for such a private person to share any of their business. They might discuss such an illness with only their mother or one other family member or Rebbetzin, someone they can trust NOT to share it with.
Other people, share their pain and emotions with their friends and family so they can offer support and advice. They also can help with research, with the kids or any other areas that a choler can use help. One very important thing is to reach out to Hashem and to strengthen your emunah and bitachon. It is very hard to go through such difficulties if you lose that. The only real way to get through difficult times is to trust in Hashem and be one with him. The truth is you get the most strength from emunah and bitachon.
Also, here at the CR, we are really good at offering support. So at any time, if you need to vent or you need our support, we will be there for you.
Photo, maaser money is NOT ours no matter what. So giving tzedaka from maaser money should not be too difficult to do. As long as we understand that the 10% that comes off the top of our income for tzedaka does not belong to us.
As far as Hashem making things difficult for us, I never heard of that, but Life happens. Not everything is a test, somethings just happen. But if it is a test from Hashem then it might be something like… will you feel badly that you just gave your money away and now you need it, or will you realize that it was NOT your money and that had nothing to do with what happened to you. Perhaps had you not given the tzedaka something worse could have happened and the fact that you did give the tzedaka, you only had to buy new tires.
bein_hasdorim, it is so nice to hear you say that. Unfortunately that is NOT the case in many homes.
JL, that is so sad. Why would a person do that? Isn’t it sad that a person would not be happy with themselves and have to fabricate lies to be accepted by others? Why can’t the others accept him for who he is and make him feel welcome without having to compete and keep up with an image that others expect of him?
Yes chief it is disgusting and b”h we are not as blind and selfish in my neighborhood, we are a real community here. The shuls are at the forefront with new neighbors. They send a welcome package, and the neighbors are all very helpful and all get in line to invite the newbies for Shabbos Meals. Sometimes it can take 2 months or more before they have to make a Shabbos meal on their own. Hachnosos Orchim does not just apply to inviting your own friends and relatives.
First decide how important it is to you and what is the most you are willing and able to spend. Then do some research to determine which company is worth the money and will last the year. When you find what you want Google it to see where you can get it for the best price.
Because Mommies don’t always have the Koach to do everything and sometimes Tatties have to help and partake in the mitzvah too!
NY
Everyone is entitled to be hugged by their parents. If you need it, go get it. They might not realize it and you have to open their eyes. Many people were brought up in cold environments especially after the war. Some parents were extremely affectionate and some were afraid to be because they were afraid they would lose those they loved too much. Don’t lose out. I had a very shy client that lacked self esteem and self confidence. She could barely speak up and tell me what was bothering her. A lot had to do with her relationship with her mother. I told her the same thing. I told her if she needed a hug from her mother she should ask for it. She did. Her mother was so shocked but of course accommodated. She said her mother cried. She didn’t even realize that they weren’t hugging and that her daughter needed it so badly. Her other kids were NOT like that.
B”H that girl is married today with children.
You are always supposed to be mehudar mitzvah on Shabbos and use your finest. So you might not treat your family to the finest all the time, or trust them with the finest, but you do try your best when you have company to at least do so at that time. It is NOT necessarily for the company it is l’kavod Shabbos AND the company.
workinonit and kylbdnr, sometimes when you are teenagers, parents think you need yours space and you don’t want to be hugged anymore. They are afraid that you will push them away. If you need a hug, please don’t be afraid to ask for it, and even demand it if you have to. You are entitled to be hugged by your parents. Tell them I said so, ok? 🙂
There is no way for the CR to monitor when kids get on. It is up to parents to know and understand at what age they should allow their kids to be on the internet. I certainly did NOT allow my elementary aged children on the computer at that time, and they did not use the internet when it came out until they were past high school. I don’t believe that my grandchildren will be on the internet any time in the near future and we are NOT chareidim. If their parents are giving them access to the internet then it is their responsibility.
There is no way of knowing what age or gender any poster is until they come out and tell us.
Health, you are entitled to your opinion. As far as I am concerned book knowledge without common sense is worthless. My friend the doctor always said, do you know what they called the guy who was at the bottom of class in med school, the neb?…………………………………………………………………………Doctor! I have had enough experience being the patient in the hospital to tell the newbies with no experience and those with experience. I had one doctor who came over to me in the emergency room when I was taken in by Hatzolah for dehydration, the nurses quickly got me set up and were all over me. This idiot comes in and says, I don’t see any reason to keep you here, so I promptly sat up and threw up all over him. The nurses couldn’t stop laughing.
BH, It would depend on what you are thinking. Many women take vacation with their mothers while the men stay home continuing their regular routine work and Kolel. There is nothing wrong with that and that should have no negative effect on anyones marriage. I don’t see why you would think it does. I don’t think that men taking Las Vegas or AC vacations are good for anyone’s marriage. However, when men go to Meron for 3 days for Lag B’omer, as long as it is OK with the wife, and it is ok with the finances, for brachas, etc. I don’t think that should be an issue either. That is what I am talking about in a strong marriage. Things that are thought out and worked out.
I don’t give free passes. Husbands and Wives have to put each other at the top of their priority lists and not let anyone or anything get between them. Neither family or friends; and vacations with friends to get away from spouses is not my idea of vacations that help marriages. But when a husband realizes that the wife who supports him and works so hard needs a vacation and she goes on vacation with her mom who can help her with the kids, or even watches some of the kids while she takes some of the kids, that strengthens a marriage because it shows hakaros hatov. When a husband and wife decide that HE should go to Meron because they need the Brachos and they save the money for him to do that, that shows trust and emunah in the husband and that strengthens a marriage. He is going for the purpose of helping the marriage and not fooling around with his friends.
workinonit, please understand people change all the time, even at my age. We are always but a work in progress always trying to improve and reach for higher madreigos. We are always changing and improving in some ways. No one stays the same, firstly that would be boring, secondly that is NOT what Hashem wants of us. WE are always learning new things, form shiurim, from one and other, from reading, from new mephorshim that are presenting. We are not stagnant people. We all change and we all keep evolving. So in a sense we all grow and we all change especially teenagers. Every day is a new experience and everyday you are supposed to grow and surprise your parents with something new about you.
Don’t worry, they are expecting new and different surprises every day. It is ok to surprise them. You are NOT the first teen to do that. Please surprise them, with “thank you’s” and “I love you’s” Surprise them by doing the dishes, surprise them with having new friends. Surprise them with leaving notes for them telling them you appreciate them, or just telling them about your day. Parents love these little surprises. OK? Maybe they will surprise you as well. Maybe you will find a $10 bill under your pillow. Wouldn’t that be a nice surprise?
MP, mishaneh makom mishaneh mazel. You are a grown up now in charge of your own life. Your community does NOT deserve you. They are NOT willing to learn anything from you and they are NOT willing to change. Unless of course you decide to stand up in shul and let them all know how they let you and your family down. If not what is keeping you there? Why not go make a change. Go find yourself a new community where no one knows your past and start living a normal life. Join the shul, join the Yeshiva, join the gym. You are not your father’s son. You are Hashem’s child. You are entitled to be loved like any other Jew. You have carried this burden long enough. Leave this baggage behind and find a community that will welcome a great guy like you. You have your whole life ahead of you. You don’t owe them anything and you certainly don’t owe your father anything. Spread your wings and fly.
Don’t you want people to think and believe your nice? Is there something wrong with being nice? Do your parents NOT think that you are nice?
Health, I disagree completely. Life experience is much more valuable than book knowledge and common sense tops them both. But if you can link all in a chain and use all tools together then you are using every possible means Hashem has provided for you. Life experience without book knowledge is more valuable than book knowledge without the life experience. But these are just statements that have no value without practical application. Wisdom is acquired in many ways and from many sources. A wise person knows how to guide another whether through experience or through professional assistance. If a person ignores all the resources available then they aren’t as wise as they think they are.
What makes you feel so scared? Many times the emotion is so much bigger than the truth. Is it possible to talk about your fear?
If I were redt to someone I knew, I would somehow feel the Abershter at work.
“All I’m asking for is that girl have a little self respect and put on a nice dress and heels for her potential husband.” YOU equate self-respect with wearing heels??????? You need to have a long talk with your rebbe.
Aishes Chayil, is that all you got out of my post? That no girl will say No to a tall boy? Where are YOUR smarts??????? Obviously everything else has to check out as well. Anyone with any smarts understood that. I’m surprised such a post got through, but don’t worry. I’m moichel you for your foolish comment or dig whichever it was. After all it is Elul right Aishes Chayil??#@!^&
The person with the most knowledge is the one that has the most experience. Book knowledge is not always as valuable as life experience.
If height is such an issue for you, why are you agreeing to go out with girls shorter than 5’5″ or 5″6″. Do you know how many tall girls are out there who can’t find a tall boy like you? The average boy today is 5’9″ and many are even shorter. I think it is because the tall men in my generation married the short girls and we produced tall daughters and short sons.
Why is it that tall boys still go after us short women and then expect us to wear these 4 inch heels to make up the difference? Honestly is that fair? Every girl wants a tall guy and no girl is going to say “no” to a tall boy. It is really up to the guys who have an issue with height to look for a tall girl.
Jewish bookstores sell it as well.
workinonit, didn’t your parents make you say “thank you” while you were growing up? Shouldn’t that come automatically?
Are you too shy to say “thank you” to your parents? Or do you think what they do for you is coming to you? Do you tell your parents that you love them? Here is a little trick you can use to work on this, seriously I am not joking about this.
Stand in front of the mirror, you can hang a picture of your mom or dad in the corner of the mirror, and just do it. Practice it. “That was really good, thanks mom.” “That was nice of you, thanks dad.” Seriously, it will get easier if you hear yourself doing it.
No, I haven’t used it in years, not since I started going to a salon. Check in the Nail supply isle in the pharmacy.
There is a spray for nails but it is NOT hairspray. It is a quick dry for nails that comes in a can that looks like hairspray. It is cold air in a can. It is supposed to harden the polish.