aries2756

Working on it, you are not married all that long and finances seems to be your major issue. Here is an eye opener: If you can’t make it work on your income as a married couple you can’t afford a divorce. It will cost way more than living together with combined income. Having said that, what is the solution?

How much do you understand your wife or women in general. That is a key component in building a happy and successful marriage. Since you can’t afford another therapist right now, I am going to suggest very strongly that you both read “Men are From Mars, Women are from Venus” by Dr. John Grey. I would strongly suggest that you read it first and then ask your wife to read it as well. This in addition to “Choice Theory” as I suggested earlier. Firstly it will give each of you a better understanding of the other gender, how they think, what they need, and how they feel. So you don’t have a feeling that it is “MY WIFE” or “MY HUSBAND”. Men and women are created differently. Our brains function differently, our hormones are different and therefore we think differently, we feel differently, our needs are different, and we react differently to the same situation.

Women are frightened when their husbands don’t bring in enough income to cover the bills. Women need to feel financially secure. She might not even realize that she is sabotaging herself and the family by being picky and choosy about her cases. There could be an underlying hurt, anger based on fear. You didn’t say what kind of business you have, but she might be afraid that you will work and work and still not see it grow into anything. She might be getting these ideas from her own fears, or from comments from friends and family.

After reading these books, you might have a better understanding about having a real conversation about these issues. Then there is another issue called Respect and Appreciation. You might feel that you paid for her education and she should appreciate and respect you for that, and you are right. On the other hand are you showing her respect and appreciation for the work she does do and the money she does bring home? Are you showing her respect and appreciation for helping with the finances no matter how much or how little they are?

Respect and appreciation is a key element to a happy and successful marriage. The failing economy has put a strain on many a marriage, but the marriage is the most important element in a person’s life. It is glue that holds a family together, it is the life lessons for the children to follow, it is the chinuch that you teach your children, it is their safety net and their security system. A failed marriage is equal to a dysfunctional family. So what wouldn’t you do to save a failing marriage?

The way to begin is NOT to look at what your partner should be doing to make things better, but to look at what I can do to make this better? What can I do differently to bring about a different, better and successful outcome?

WIT, I believe that you are stressed out and are working hard to build your business. At the same time, your wife is working very hard as well. She is after all a wife, a mother and a case worker. So both of you are working hard and are stressed out. You both need to understand the other’s perspective here. Although you were the sole earner when your wife was in college, she was actually working hard at the time as well. School is hard work, as well as doing it while married and with kids. So lets appreciate that.

At this point you feel it is important that your wife takes on more cases so that there is more income. How can she be compensated so that it is something she can handle? Do you have help at home? Are there responsibilities at home that you can take upon yourself? Can you help more with the kids? Having more cases by day also means more paperwork at night and at the end of the month. How can you show your wife respect and appreciation for making that effort?

On the other hand, what does your job entail? What are the hours for your job? Is there something you can do extra? Can you tutor a couple of times a week? Can you take on a part-time job on the weekends? Maybe if you are willing to do more, your wife would be willing as well.

Hashem is in charge, and he creates opportunities to allow the truth to come out.

Believe it or not Almonds are also a great protein and a great snack. So whether you just munch on them or you throw sliced almonds into a salad for texture, they will help.

I am very bad about this, but try to stretch your muscles before exercising you will have less strain and pain. If you didn’t you might want to ice your knees, calf and thigh muscles a bit. They might be a bit sore tomorrow.

Try parking your car at least a block or two away from your job so you get a bit of a walk to and from work. Use the stairs instead of the elevator. Every little bit helps. If you sit most of the day do some muscle tightening exercises at your desk.

Humus in moderation is great as well because it is protein (chick peas) carrots dipped in humus is a very good snack. So if you get a bag of baby carrots (no prep) and a small individual Humus pack that will be great for mid-day or mid-afternoon. Don’t forget that many fruits have too high a sugar content such as apples, oranges and grapes.

If standard therapy did not get you past the road blocks and the issues that keep coming back, then maybe you should try a Life Coach who is trained to get people passed road blocks and reach their goals. In coaching we believe in holding our clients accountable. So when you say “everything is your fault” sarcastically, are you willing to admit that you do have fault and are you willing to be accountable and take responsibility for your part of it? If yes, then there is still a chance. Because if YOU are then maybe a Life Coach can get your wife to see where she is at fault and get her to be accountable as well. A coach can also show you how to let go of the small stuff and keep your eye on the whole picture, the important piece which is the marriage and NOT the issues. If the marriage is the prize then the small little things that you fight about is not worth fighting over and you learn to compromise and let go. Obviously it is NOT so simple but that is the gist of it. Please don’t give up just yet. Try to make your marriage work for the sake of the kids. It would help if you both read “Choice Theory” by Dr. William Glaser.

I will give you an example. I have a client who tossed something to her husband and he blew up and chased her around the house. She swears she tossed it, he swears she threw it at his head. They are looking at the same incident from two different perspectives. She may very well have tossed it “to” him. But something in him triggered a memory or an incident where he saw the item coming at him and he honestly believed that she threw it “at” him. No matter how many times they go over the scenario he swears she threw it at him. How do they resolve this issue?

I told them both that it is not what she did that caused the blow out, it is what he perceived that she did that caused the problem. Since they now both know how he will react if she tosses/throws something at him consciously or sub-consciously so she should choose a different action. She should either choose to take a few extra steps and hand him things or put it down next to him. Or just put it down and tell him where she put it. It really had nothing to do with her. If someone else would have done it like his brother, he might have reacted the same way. She had to choose to work around his issue and he had to work on his issues and not react violently towards his wife no matter what. They each have to unlearn bad behaviors and learn different behaviors, keeping in mind that the marriage is the most important part of their lives and everything they do has to be for the benefit and strengthening of the marriage.

They each had a responsibility in the fight, they each are accountable to the marriage and they each have to choose to make the changes that will benefit the marriage and their relationship.

yeshivabochur123, in previous generations it was not proper for young women to go to college and get careers. Their jobs were to be good mothers and wives. And therefore they were NOT on such a higher intellectual and mature, sophisticated and polished level than their counterparts. They married young to spouses their own age who didn’t know much more than they did, and they grew up together.

So sorry to hear about your diagnosis but please know that even though we only know you by your cyber persona you have many friends here who truly care about you. So that is important. You are not alone and people care whether you take care of yourself or not.

I hope you are working with your doctor and nutritionist.

I would suggest that you DON”T weigh yourself often because it could be very discouraging. When you don’t see the numbers you want you get discouraged and depressed and that can lead to cheating and lack of motivation. On the other hand when you do see a change on the scale that could lead to rewards which are counter productive. In a addition the scale can’t tell you if you lost water weight or fat, or if you gained muscle, water or fat. So the scale is deceiving. If you exercise seriously and keep to your diet and you gain a pound, you can be very confused and angry. But what you won’t realize is that you might have gained a pound of muscle which is a very good thing and will help you burn fat. So the scale is NOT your friend. It is better to work with an endocrinologist that has a bmi scale that can tell give you a true evaluation of your weight loss if you really want to know.

A good reason to work with a nutritionist is because they will not only explain the foods that are good and bad for you, they will teach you portion size, substitutions for what you normally eat, and how to read labels to determine the actual carb count, the actual fat count, etc. depending on what type of carbs and fat they are. IT is very confusing.

In addition, do the kind of exercise you enjoy. Start by walking just to get into the flow and limber up. If you enjoy swimming, or basketball, go for it. If you enjoyed rollerblading as a kid, put pads on and go for it. You don’t have to get to a gym and get into serious exercise until you feel you can handle it. Do some fun things that motivate you and get your weight loss started. Once you see some movement and you are more motivated you can move into more serious forms of exercise and toning. The most important thing about health is to start moving.

2cents, like Bloomberg? Yeah he did a great jobs closing hospitals, fire houses and police stations. Everyone in NY is just so happy and chipper with the way he is running things. The cops are the most corrupt they have ever been, the sanitation department stinks, and the city is run like it has no leader. Is that what you want for the entire country? Not me.

PBA, at the time that R’ Yaakov made his observation kids actually did kid things and were predictable. Today’s generation of kids are not the same as back then. Mothers are NOT at home raising them, teaching and guiding them. The leniency as well as the problems that kids have to know were not part and parcel of the problems and issues that R’ Yakov and his constituents were faced with.

I am quite sure that no one asked R’ Yaakov whether his child should take medication for ADD or ADHD at the time, nor were there so many sheilos about the shiksas in the home or all the therapies that a child needs. Parents had different roles then, they were more present in their kids lives and they were more a part of their everyday interactions.

So no I don’t disagree with R’ Yaakov, it was an appropriate observation at the time.

A maidaleleh??????????? Oh no!!!!!!

BSD, but the system has sent girls out into the real world. The system has sent girls to college to earn careers so that they can support their husbands. The system has educated the girls and left the boys behind. This is how the system has made them unequal and imbalanced. The system itself has kept these boys from growing and maturing.

As for NASI, I ask again, since I wasn’t answered, both sides have to pay shadchanus so why aren’t the fees for the boys listed as well? This would make it more palatable and fair for all? Obviously a 25 year old girl will not be set up with a young man younger than 27 so he is also considered an “alte bochur”. So why pick on the girls and make this just a girl’s crisis? If there are unmarried girls out there it stands to reason that there are unmarried boys out there, or what would be the point of this project? So be fair and post the fees for the boys as well. Let them sign up and you already have a pool of candidates.

I didn’t see it, but I lost respect for Cain. I didn’t back him to begin with because I believe a President should pay his dues in the trenches. If you have no experience in the political arena and no history or record that people can check on in regard to how you helped your constituency, then you have no business expecting Americans to trust you and vote for you. We learned a great deal from the fiasco that is the current presidency.

It is best to “teach” children to make good choices from the get go. So when you teach a child that what they are saying or doing is not nice or not proper you are teaching them to make a choice to filter and to choose another way to play or to make jokes or whatever it is they are doing. In the future as they grow older they will have learned the lesson to make better choice in each area of their life. It also teaches them to respect others just as they would want others to respect them.

If they are running on a table, of course they won’t run on a table when they are older but they will sit on a table which we find unacceptable as well. So by teaching them when they are young that it is unacceptable and why, and asking them to make a different choice we are teaching them the art of making better choices from the get go.

Isn’t Sir Paul McCartney the only one left? He has always been a gentleman and always conducted himself as a true British citizen as far as I can recall. Yes I will always be a Beatles fan. Not because of the antics or the publicity stunts but because of the Music and some of the messages that sent. I don’t recall them ever to be vulgar or irritating while their counterparts use shock value to gain attention.

OOM, I don’t know that they do, but it is NOT enough for the girls to have classes. They are only half the problem and half the equation.

I think Marriage should be taught in school. And it should be noted that it is a serious commitment not to be taken lightly. One should understand that it is NOT disposable and that one should understand how the shechina suffers when there is a lack of shalom bayis and when a couple destroys a family and breaks up. Also it should be noted that when a person marries without a true commitment to build a life forever, they steal an opportunity from someone else to build a life with the other person.

Kids need to be taught how to choose a partner for the right reasons and not for the reasons others are choosing. Kids need to be taught to marry for the marriage and not for the excitement of the wedding. Kids need to be taught that marriage is real work and without the work necessary and the understanding necessary from each partner you can’t build the foundation on which a committed successful marriage and family can thrive.

This has to be taught before the shidduch and dating process. This has to be taught before the fun begins. Finance and budgeting and the reality of managing on your own needs also to be taught because that becomes a rude awakening.

Maybe, just maybe it is the shadchanim running scared because they are either not doing their job properly or are charging too much money and people are finding other ways to make matching. They are running scared because their jobs will soon be obsolete. So maybe the NASI project is an idea to promote shadchanim. More and more local community groups are taking it upon themselves to do shidduchim. More cyber shiddich groups are opening. More shiddich clubs and shidduch weekends are having more success. Shadchanim are known for working thier “magic” on those who can pay and have the qualities that are easily sold such as money and yichus. Those are the clients they are looking for and they don’t really put much effort into other types of clients. In many cases that is why gilrs linger around to an older age. Because they put their faith in shadchanim who didn’t do anything for them. I have redt many shidduchim and although it is not easy, it wasn’t that difficult either. B”H i made one shidduch and it was for a family member. It is not a full time job like NASI makes it sound in the article. People are NOT available 24 hours a day. Furthermore, shadchanim don’t do the legwork and the investigating. All they do is set two people up and encourage them to go out with each other. They are phone people. They don’t check out references, speak to Roshei Yeshiva, or find out if anything on the resume is true. When they make a shidduch they are basically taking what looks good on paper and trying to make it work. Do they really remember the interview and the people behind the resume?

The shandchanim that really care about a couple are the friends and relatives that make a shidduch. They are the ones that put the most effort into a shidduch. They are the ones that really work the hardest and know the couple the best. They are the ones that can answer the questions and give the best guidance. They are the ones that can zoom in on a prospect and say “that’s the type” that’s what we are looking for. BINGO!

BowWow, I agree this new Nasi proposal is deplorable. What exactly makes it new? Those who have the big bucks go to shadchanim. Those who don’t are ignored. Shadchanim work on cases they think will be easier to handle and ignore others. Why do they speak to more clients than they can handle. I have had so many girls tell me, “I was offered an interview and when I got there she didn’t eve give me the time of day. Her phone was ringing off the hook and she kept answering it.” So a shadchan should decide that she can work on 5 clients at once and then turn down others until she has another opening. Then give those five her full attention. Maybe that would allow her to be more successful.

In my neighborhood they started something that I wrote about years ago. The shuls are taking charge. There are representative in every shul that are collecting applications from all the singles in the shul and they are going to meet up with reps from other shuls to try and make shidduchim. The shuls and Rabbonim are finally getting involved. This should make a big difference in the networking process.

Most of my husband’s paternal cousins are not frum. When we go to such a wedding we first check the caterer to make sure it is glatt. If it isn’t we get special meals. WE don’t go into the chupah if it is a reform or conservative synagogue that is being used, they know this. Our entire family, who attend the wedding, will go in to the smorg, to mingle with the family and give Mazel Tov, and then NONE of us will go into the ceremony, but will rejoin them at the dinner. My shver a”h who was their uncle didn’t allow it and we all followed the rules. If it is just in a catering hall where a chupah is set up then we participate. If it is a glatt caterer then one of us speaks to the mashgiach.

B”H we did not have an incident that any one of them married a goy. Although they are not frum, not even one considered marrying out of the faith. Our family history is very strong and public. Although the orthodox element is not necessarily there, the jewish identification, ideology and spiritual connection is very strong.

The concept of going to the wedding anyway if one marries a goy is probably to show the relative that they are a JEW and they remain a JEW and when the marriage fails, they will still be a JEW. Probably because we don’t accept the marriage and we expect it to fail.

If you press on latest reply it goes straight to the latest reply.

Everyone and anyone can choose to change anything about themselves if they are sincere and honest about the commitment to make the change. But you can only change yourself you can’t change anyone else.

When one spouse snores they steal the other parnter’s sleep. If this happens on a occasion one can deal with it. If this happens often it is a serious issue and takes a big bite into one’s shalom bayis. It is a very serious issue, it is not a joke and it is not funny at all. Imagine not being able to sleep night after night. If earplugs work for you, you are lucky. They can be very irritating and in many cases it does not drown out all the sound. You can try a sound machine to help drown out the noise if it is not too loud.

Try whatever you can until you find a solution that works as a couple because sleep is very important, even if the one who snores has to sleep in another room.

By giving an addict money you are helping to feed and support his addiction. The only chessed a person can do is support a person’s sobriety so if you wish you can offer a hot meal or a coat to keep him warm or a referral to a therapist or rehab.

Charlie, Israel is NOT a necessity! It is NOT a NEED, it is a want. And it is something that not everyone can afford. It is a decision that parents need to make according to their own variables and circumstances and not because of peer pressure.

Of course there will be kids that will go with confidence and happily and it will still not work out. But they have to be willing to try and keep trying until they know for sure that they are not cut out for it. They have to be committed to their decision until they understand fully and completely that they made the wrong decision. There has to be a level of maturity and accountability there.

Midwesterner, seminaries are in the business of making money and that’s the bottom line. They don’t return money. That is a given. They don’t care if you mortgage your house to send your kid. They want your money and thats that. They take $100 and up for each application they receive. Why? They get over 1,000 applications for what 100 spots? Does it cost $100 to read an application and process it? Seriously, they should refund the $100 with the rejection letter. Why don’t they? Because they are in the business to make money period. Every spot is worth $20,000. That is their budget as you said. If they return any funds, they will be out of balance. They don’t gain more because it does NOT cost them any less if a girl goes home and they are NOT willing to take a cut in their profits.

Does every girl come home at the end of the year regaling over their amazing experiences? No. There are many, many complaints. Like being treated like kids in grade 13, being forced to wear uniforms and being locked in each night. They don’t feel like they were treated like mature adults basically ready to get married. So you have many coming home thrilled and happy and many who just survived the experience. It is NOT for everyone and it is high time that both parents and kids realize that from the get go.

So where does that leave everyone? What are the options? Being more careful about the decisions we make in sending our kids there. Opening up more seminaries at home and saving the additional funds for our kids’ weddings. Possibly having a summer seminary in Israel that will allow a taste of the experience and then continue it at home. Everything starts with an idea and parents who choose not to conform to what others push for.

When you make a commitment to a seminary or yeshiva in E’Y you should NOT take it lightly. This is a discussion that one HAS to make with their children before you sign on the dotted line. This is NOT a weekend in the mountains nor is it a summer in camp. This is a major experience and a major lesson in independence and in problem solving. Finances is another discussion that one must have with their children. Believe it or not NOT everyone winds up having the privilege and opportunity to go learn in E”Y. There are yeshivas and seminaries in the states and kids don’t always go because families just can’t afford it and there are not enough scholarships to go around. So when a child does get the opportunity to go, they should NOT take it for granted nor take it lightly. On the other hand, many kids choose NOT to go because they just don’t want to. They prefer staying here, getting college started, or feel they are independent enough to not need that experience.

Maybe some kids are just NOT cut out for it and they should figure that out before they choose to go and take someone else’s spot. That is the reality of the situation. There are just so many beds available in seminary. Each student needs to be accommodated and cared for. When you are accepted it means that someone else was rejected. That is a great honor and something again not to take lightly. High Schools should do more to prepare kids for the experience and maybe there should be some sessions with Guidance Counselors or parents should recognize that some kids should go to therapy before making these decisions to truly qualify if your child should separate from the family and go on this adventure alone.

There are many elements that need to be considered. There is the fact that s/he will be on their own taking care of themselves. That means grooming, cleaning, laundry, shopping, meals, making arrangements for shabbosim and yomim tovim, and staying on a budget etc. Then there is the learning and the work involved in that as well. Then there is the intetgration and getting along with the other students/roommates that they are thrown together with. In addition to being in a country that they are not fluent in the language and they don’t know the currency or their way around. This can be very overwhelming to some kids that are used to having everything done for them and everything figured out for them. And for those who are NOT accustomed to listening to rules, this can also be a recipe for disaster.

As fas as such a case where a child calls early on and wants to come home, without pointing to this particular family, it is too difficult to make the call if it is the right or wrong thing to do since one cannot settle into a routine until after the Yomim Tovim because everyone is scattered all over and there is no real routine in school until everyone comes back and Yom Tov is over. Everyone is basically on their own forced to make their own arrangements for the entire Tishrei until they settle back after the Yomim Tovim. Most schools say that the real bonds and the real flow cannot really be determined until Chanuka time.

So NO there is no rule that says that you must send your kids to E’Y for seminary or yeshiva. But if you choose to do so, make sure you all know what you are getting yourselves into from the start. Don’t take it lightly. Know what your commitments are and what the costs will be both emotional and financial and how they effect everyone involved.

It is not fair to say whether it is a good price, fair or crazy. You have to decide for yourself depending on your previous experience. One has to take all variables into account. The color for one thing is a very important variable. A blonde sheitel with different highlights cost more than a dark sheitel. Red hair is also more expensive because it is less available and harder to match. Better hair and a better well known company will charge for their experience and quality. The price usually includes the cut as well, so one has to take into consideration the experience of the stylist you are buying from and how much that is worth to you.

The fit of the sheitel is also very important. If you are hard to fit, or need custom sizing that is a consideration as well. If you will wear the sheitel everyday or if it is a Shabbos sheitel that won’t get as much use is another consideration. Is the piece a quality piece that will last a long time? Is it from someone you can trust? Usually you get what you pay for.

Many women look to buy a cheaper piece because they buy more often and therefore they justify each purchase with “it wasn’t such a good piece or I didn’t spend so much on it”. If you intend to use it for a long time, make sure it is a quality piece.

These are some of the reasons I am saying that one shouldn’t take it upon themselves to comment so quickly without even knowing the variables. Buying a sheitel is not as simple as buying a pair of shoes or a purse. It is an individual choice depending on ones individual circumstances.