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Loshon Horah pure and simple.

Oomis you and I both, I have no idea what happened. Honestly I don’t want to know, I just hope those who were in the wrong learned a lesson from this mishap and that AYC comes back.

Amen.

The only way to help a troubled kid is unconditional love. You respect the person but you dont have to respect his choices. You support him in his sobriety but never his addiction. You can offer him food but never money that he can use for drugs. You love but never trust. You listen to understand. You ask him what kind of support he needs? You ask him what kind of support you can offer him.

You never leave your car keys or money where he can be tempted to steal them. You invite him for dinner or lunch. You make sure he has a warm coat but if he loses it (sold it for drugs) then you don’t ask him what happened to it or offer to buy him another one. You tell him that you care about him and that you are his friend and whether you think he hears you or not he does. It will mean a lot to him. He will remember your words when he is alone and hurting. It is very important for kids who are hurting and are in pain to know that they are NOT alone and NOT forgotten; That people care about them and there is a reason for them to care about themselves and work towards getting help and climb out of the dark place.

The most important thing to remember is who YOU are and that YOU have to keep moving up and not let his pain and his problems bring you down. Misery loves company so make sure YOU are NOT the company. It is very easy to fall into the trap of feeling another’s very real and very agonizing pain and trying to be in the moment with them to understand them. That is NOT how you are supposed to understand them. You are supposed to understand that their pain is very real, but you are supposed to also understand that self medicating that pain to avoid the causes of the pain is destructive and detrimental to his emotional and physical well being. The right way to handle it is to seek therapeutic assistance. Most kids don’t know how to ask for help or how to find the assistance they need to heal from such pain. The more support a kid has to find the appropriate help they need the more chance they have to reach out to get the appropriate help they need to recover from their demons and their issues that cause their burdens and their pain.

Bubby, you are right. The chosson gets to decide and also his family gets to pay for it, so that is one thing off your list. In addition, the music usually coordinates with the venue. If you are holding the wedding in a small place a one man band might be fine and in line with the type of wedding you are planning. On the other hand, if you are planning a large wedding with many guests in a larger venue, that might not be appropriate.

Now is a good time to compare prices online for various big ticket items. Pots and pans can be expensive as well. And if you are NOT looking for fancy and frilly linen, but still nice quality cotton, try Smartbargains.com; overstock.com; and even amazon.com. You will be surprised at the great buys and good quality of matching duvets and sheets. In addition to pillow, blankets, towels, etc.

The first thing to do is make a list of what the Kallah is looking for. Then google it to see where you can buy it the cheapest. Don’t forget to include tax and shipping charges so you have a true comparison.

Hatzlocha and Mazal Tov.

Since I had heard that he had said that I have not bought one item that he sells. Whether it is true or not, I am perfectly fine not buying anything from this designer. Where there is smoke there is usually fire. A rumor like that didn’t get started for no reason at all. Even if he hadn’t said it in public it must have said it somewhere in private and that is how it came into public knowledge.

The lie about the rumor was that HE was not her show before that appearance, so it was a big fat lie that he made such a statement on her show. But not that he never made such a statement.

I am backing Romney. As for Cain, he proved to me he is a fool, and I can’t deal with another fool in the white house. Cain vs Obama would be an Election over which is the best of the worst?

Not only is Cain a predator, he is inexperienced (even less than Obama was) and not even interested in world events. Being on the campaign trail is no excuse for not knowing what is going on in the world. To me that means he is a narcissist who only cares about what is going on with his campaign and himself. That is a dangerous quality for head of our country. So lets NOT make that mistake again.

The Power of Choosing Wisely

“hoieche fenster” just one more of those yiddishe phrases that don’t quite have a good translation, it means “airs about them”, “above the rest”, exact translation would be “high windows” so that could me a “penthouse attitude”.

I have redt many shidduchim and B”H was zocheh to be matzliach with at least one, for my own niece. No it wasn’t easy but each one told me I was on the right track. At least it was comforting to know I didn’t waste my time and I understood what they were both looking for.

Personally in this day and age, I feel that finances is something that needs to be discussed right from the start. There is no point putting two people together only to have to tear them apart because they or their parents are in two different planets as far as the finances are concerned. If a boy wants support that is something that needs to be said upfront. If a girl is going for her masters and the husband will be expected to take on that cost, that has to be said upfront. If you know that one or the other has a background or a history that the other family would never approve of, move on to someone else and don’t even try or go there.

As a shadchan there is certain information and questions that you must ask so that you are prepared to give the appropriate information and answers. Asking for an updated resume from both parties is appropriate and can save a lot of time and headaches. If a boy is NOT working at the time the shidduch is being redt then it is appropriate to ask how he plans to support his wife and family because that is a question that will be asked of the shadchan.

One thing that I truly believe has sabotaged the shidduch scene is dropping the shadchan too early in the process. Kids today think that they know everything and can handle everything on their own. They are so wrong and they mess up so badly. In today’s technical society, kids drop the shadchan and start texting each other very quickly. They become too familiar too soon and drop to the level of “friends” instead of “prospects”. They forget they are in a “courtship” and forget to be on their toes. In a courtship, one doesn’t call unexpectedly and one always puts their best foot forward, treating the other with the respect and holding the other in high regard. Texting is faceless and voiceless and you write things that are curt and short and on the level of other friends that you are very familiar with. That takes things down quite a few notches to a lower level of courtship.

You are NOT supposed to be friends. You ARE supposed to be “possibilities” finding out about each other and NOT “hanging” together and that is the difference. When you start hanging together you forget to treat the other as the most special person in your life. You are removed to the level of “friend”. This kind of courtship usually fizzles out fairly quickly. After a month or so. Usually it is the boy that ends it because he is NOT looking for a friend, he is looking for a wife. The girl meanwhile, feels like things are moving along because they are becoming best friends and buddies. They see each other quite often, they text or call a lot. But really the relationship is not growing and not going anywhere because they are not courting they are “friending” and they don’t have the middleman to guide them and build the excitement and anticipation of going slowly and not being so familiar with each other. This not only gives them time to think about the other person a lot but build excitement for the next phone call, the next date, and so on. I have seen too many shidduchim go this route and to top it off the boy always ends with “but we can still be friends, right?” WRONG!

Kids today are too confused. They don’t know what they want, and why they are looking to get married. They are more caught up with the engagement, the wedding, the gifts and the shopping, than the marriage itself and the reality of living and growing with their partner. Because of peer pressure and parental pressure, they are not sure what they should be looking for. Should they go after what their heart and brain tell them, what their parents tell them, their Yeshiva says, or what their friends tell them is right? Should they do what everyone else does, or should they decide for themselves? “If I choose this girl, my mother will make us miserable for the rest of our lives”, “If I go for the money, I won’t have to worry about anything and my life will be simple”, “Everyone says I should work and look for a learning boy, a true ben Torah but I really want to raise my own kids, what should I do?”, “I really want a learning boy, but my parents have no money to help us, what should I do?”.

What happened to “if you are old enough to get married, you are old enough to make your own decisions?” Not in this society; yeshivas tell their talmidim to listen to their parents. Parents of boys think they “own commodity stock” and make the girls feel like they are department store stock, to be sorted and picked through. I can’t even count how many times I have sat with a bunch of yentas who told me “there just aren’t any good girls around”. I have been known on occasion to pick my self up and walk away but not before saying, “I guess you haven’t really opened your eyes to see what’s available, there are much more “good” girls than good honest and ehrlich boys available.”

We all know about the stupid list of questions that keep growing year after year. Who really cares or rather why should anyone care if the female in questions was toilet trained early or not? Why should anyone care if her mother serves with crystal glasses on Shabbos? Who’s business is it if they use a white or off white table cloth? These things are what is important in life? These are what makes or breaks a shidduch? This is what will determine whether a boy or girl will make a good wife and mother or a good husband or father? This my dear friends is what causes the shidduch crisis. Picky parents with hoieche fenster who raise the bar higher and higher each year.

When my daughter was dating, a family member chased after a boy for her for over a year. She called us and was so excited that she finally got a “yes” for her. She started to give me information on the boy. She finally said to me that the boy was going to Law School and the parents wanted the mechutanim (girl’s parents) to foot the bill. I told my sister-in-law, no thank you. I will pass. Say “NO”. She said “What?” are you crazy, do you know how long I was chasing this shidduch?” I didn’t care, I said “Is he no longer their son once he gets married? Why should I or anyone else take over their responsibility of teaching their son how to make a parnasah? What does this mean then, they are selling him to me? I am NOT interested.” At any rate, he finished law school and was working in the field. My daughter was married over 10 years before he got married. So his parents paid for his school in the end anyway. They were well to do people, and could well afford it. So what kind of mishugas do these people have? Why do parents insist on ruining their children’s lives?

If you want to look at the truth why there is a shidduch crisis, there are many pieces to the pie. In addition, there are many “advisors” than need to change their tune and help children make the right choices as individuals and not as robots all trained to do the same thing.

One more thing I would suggest. It would be very productive to make a balance sheet with income on one side and expenses on the other. On the expense side list the most important in order from top to bottom so things like mortgage, tuition payments, etc. are listed at the very top.

Then go over it together to see where you can make cuts, and write down questions for your accountant. These are questions I would very much suggest that you ask.

If you and your partner and your wives each have your own cars, I would suggest that you and your partner share a car since you are together most of the day at your home and that you lease the three cars from your business. That way you can write it off as an expense through the business which you can’t do on your personal income tax.

Your medical insurance should be written through your business for both you and your partner because it would then be a group (even with just two people (families) and it would also be an expense through your business and can be written off as an expense also you won’t have to pay tax on that money as income and then pay more out of pocket cost for higher premiums on pre-taxed money.

In addition, you probably can take a tax break on your personal income tax for using your house, but ask the accountant if you can pay rent to yourself from your business and have a rental income on your personal tax return. The rental income might be taxed less that work income. I don’t know so you should ask. Also the rent is a business expense and can be written off as an expense on the business side.

All these adjustments can be made and then your accountant can tell you how to adjust your pay accordingly so that you benefit the most both for the business and your personal pocket.

In addition, you can see where else you and your wife can cut back on your monthly expenses. If you are in the red every month the both of you will need to make sacrifices. You will have to discuss that calmly. When she sees the balance sheet, she will have to decide whether she would rather give things up or work more and bring in more income. So things like cable TV might be on the “can go” list, as well as full time help which might have to be cut back to part time and your wife will have to pick up some of the slack. You might have to look for cheaper utility companies and maybe even get a business plan for your cell phones.

You might have to cut back on the wardrobe budget, entertainment budget, food budget, etc. The both of you will just have to have a reality check and do some real work until you bring the budget closer into balance.

The way I always saw it done was somewhere near the end of the wedding on the women’s side the couple are seated and the immediate family dance around them, with the brooms. Extended family like the parents brothers and sisters might join in at the end. Then the parents might join at the very end to dance with the kids and sweep them out especially the chassan and Kallah.

It can be very emotional and touching, especially if there are grandparents involved who were zoche to see their children marry off all of their children.

You are asking a very vague question so you can’t expect a straight forward answer. If you are talking about a molester, rapist or murderer you should definitely go straight to the police to keep him from harming anyone else. If you are talking about a ganuf go speak to a Rav.

WOI, sometimes you just have to sit down face to face and ask, what do you feel will make you happy and put this marriage back on track? Don’t be afraid to ask the question, just be prepared to hear the answer and don’t be offended. Don’t answer right away, think about what she is saying, even write it down. Stay calm and ask questions if you are not sure or if you don’t understand.

Make a list or ask her to make a list of her priorities. Then discuss them. I will give you a couple of coaching techniques.

Ask open ended questions, not questions that require a “yes” or “no”.

Speak in terms of “we” or “I”.

Try to speak in terms of “agree”.

Try to use terms of appreciation, respect, and admire.

Repeat what she says or give feed back by saying “I hear that”, this validates her feelings and thoughts.

Having said that these are some appropriate questions:

I can appreciate what you’re saying, I would like to do some of those things as well. How do you think we can go about working towards those goals?

I respect your opinion, have you thought about a way we can manage that?

What do you think we can do to handle that?

If we were to make a list of what our responsibilities and jobs entail so we get a better understanding of what we are each doing so we don’t take each other for granted, what would be the first five things on your list?

I really admire the hard work you put into getting your masters degree, you are so good at what you do. I really appreciate the hard work and effort you put into your cases. These kids are really lucky to have you. Your hard work in school paid off b”h, not everyone can say that.

If it were up to me and I could just wave a magic wand I would grant all your wishes, but unfortunately life is not that simple or that easy as you well know. So is there a way we can work together to set mutual goals we can both work towards?

WOI, these are just suggestions and obviously you have to set a calm and safe environment to open this type of line of communications. Again, this is a way of sharing responsibility and accountability for whats going on and working together towards a solution. If you stay calm and not accuse you might be able to accomplish or at least open a path towards accomplishing something. Try to use what we call the two breath method. Don’t respond in anger. Take two deep breaths before responding so that you have a chance to think before responding. Don’t just respond instinctively or you might take the bait for a fight, or you might respond because you are not understanding or misunderstanding. So take two breaths to assess what she says before responding. Try to keep on track. Repeat what she says and ask if you are understanding her. Make an agreement such as…”So can we agree to think about what we both just said and sit down again tomorrow and continue this conversation to work on the problem?” or “So can we agree on this goal? Can we agree that this is the top priority for both of us, can we agree to put this at the top of the list?” Then proceed to make a list, write that down and move on to the next item.

If you can work through the issues in that fashion you would then work on ideas and agreements how to reach each goal and assure your wife that neither one of you should pressure the other to overwhelm yourself with all the things on the list. Work towards one goal and once achieved move on to the next.

Vacations are really great and everyone needs a vacation. But you can’t look at what other people do for vacation. You don’t know if their parents paid for it, if their parents are babysitting for them, if they borrowed the money, paid by credit card and will be paying it off slowly or if they actually have the money to do it. People tend to spend money whether they have it or not and that’s how they get themselves into trouble.

For all the people you can point to that take amazing vacations you can point to just as many that take a ride in the country and have one sleep over in a cabin or something like that or go to the poconos for an overnight. To those who can only afford that, they truly appreciate that they can have that vacation. Some people have a 10 bedroom house and some only 3. Some people have 10 kids and some don’t have any. Hashem is in charge and if you want something you can’t expect it to just be handed to you. If it doesn’t just fall in your lap, there is a reason for it, and you have to roll up your sleeves and work for it. Only the tzadikim had the “manna” delivered to their doors, the rest of am yisroel had to go out and collect it for themselves.

It is really nice if parents can afford to keep gifting children with everything they want and need. It is really, really, nice. But kids can’t go on their entire lives expecting that from their parents, and kids can’t go their whole lives expecting their spouse to pick up where their generous parents left off.

I hope this helps somewhat.

flowers, I don’t see that either. I see a person who is hurt, tired and exhausted. Someone who is a bit misguided and misdirected. Don’t forget when a person thinks he is right and speaks to his buddies who all agree that he is right, it is hard to see the other side.

The worst thing a person can do is discuss his marital issues with his friends, or her friends as the case may be. Each set of friends will try to boost their own friend and build their confidence and self-respect by agreeing with them and telling them that they are right. That is the worst thing a “friend” can do unless there is abuse involved. A true friend will encourage a person to try to see things from the spouse’s perspective and come to a compromise.

This terrible economy has caused tremendous strain and conflict in many marriages. It is necessary for ALL to realize this and to see what a nisayon it is. The marriage itself should NOT be the korban of the economy. Couples should understand that they have to do whatever is necessary to strengthen the marriage, circle the wagons to protect it, because it is a great nisayon. A husband should remember how the wife circled him seven times at the chupah. How did he feel then as a chassan? I woman needs to feel her husband circle around her and protect her from all evils. A woman needs to feel safe and secure. That means emotional security, physical security and financial security. Men need to understand that.

A man believing that his wife is “superwoman” does not make her feel good. The woman would rather feel that her husband is “superman”. Both are foolish expectations, but if you have to put it in perspective, superman is a hero, and a woman needs to look up to and respect her husband in all areas of the marriage. When a husband flips that around it throws the marriage out of balance. A husband has to understand that. So if that is a necessary evil, what does HE need to do to make it work and put more balance into the relationship?

My son’s Rosh Yeshiva, when giving a shmuz to his talmidim, always starts his speech with “Before I start, I just want to thank my eishes chayil “name”, for allowing me the opportunity to be here tonight, and spend this time with you. This is her time and she permits me to share it with you.” What does that show you? It shows tremendous respect and hakaros hatov to his wife. It teaches his talmidim that his wife deserves his time and attention and that without her permission and agreement, he would not be available to his talmidim in such a capacity. It shows a commitment to marriage and to spouse. It shows he does not take his wife for granted.

So in a case where a husband, the one responsible to make a parnasah, relies on his wife to bring in the bucks, how does he show his wife respect and appreciation? WOI, that is a question that you need to answer. You are the one that needs to put the balance back into the relationship and see if that makes a difference. WE here have given you tools in which to do that. An excellent suggestion was made. Sit down with your wife and put a time limit on how long you need to make your business work. If it doesn’t take off by that date, then give it up and find a job. That is fair and reasonable. Ask your wife if she is willing to work a little bit harder until that date? Ask her what you can do to help her a bit if she does. Talk things out. Learn to listen to understand. That goes for the both of you. Ask her what her concerns are and how you can help her alleviate some of her stress.

Don’t give up on a marriage because of financial stresses. That is a nisayon that you just have to work through.

That was my problem too! Now since I am not machmir on cholov yisroel I drink a slimfast low carb chocolate shake (2 net carbs) every morning. It has 20 grams of protein. That is more than eggs, yogurt or any other breakfast and it is filling for me. I get it online and have it shipped. You can’t get it in stores. I don’t know the sugar content but I can check for you if you are interested. It really helped me. So far this go round, working with my endocrinologist I have lost 40 lbs of fat. I could not have done it without his guidance and help.

ilovetheholyland, hi, i haven’t seen this thread in a while. Did you check in with a nutritionist? If you hadn’t yet, one can really help you read labels and figure out what is the best options for you. Labels can be very confusing especially trying to figure out what are good carbs and bad carbs and how “no sugar” items still turn into sugar because of the flour/carbs in it. So don’t be fooled by sugarless or sugar free items. She can also teach you how to substitute didn’t choices for your favorite foods.

One more thing, it is important to have protein within an hour of waking up, to fuel your metabolism. It is also important NOT to skip meals and to be careful not to eat to little. If you do, you will weaken your metabolism and keep if from burning fat. So you need to learn how to eat the right foods and in the correct portions. You also have to be careful with fruit. Many fruits are very high sugar content such as grapes, apples and oranges.

Which kid doesn’t like a good burger? Make your burgers from better, healthier cuts of meat like shoulder steak, or tenderloin. Mix beef with veal when making burgers. Grill chicken on the BBQ, it is hard to resist. Throw vegetables even corn on the grill as well.

Try cooking meats and fish differently to make it interesting. If you are used to well done steak or meat, then cook it rare and juicy. Cook it in a sweet marinade or hot sauce if they like spice.

Fish sticks can be warmed up with some cheddar cheese on top. Tuna fish can be mixed into macaroni and cheese. Eggs are a good source of protein and you can cook them up in many different ways.

Try offering them bites from your own plate and not giving them a plate of their own. If they refuse to try things then use their logic. When they want to do something like watch a NEW video or game, you say “I don’t like that, I only like what I like and what I know. I don’t want to try anything new” If they want to go to a new store or new park “I don’t like that place, its new I only like what I like and I don’t want to try anything new”. They will get the message. In most cases it has nothing to do with what they like or dislike it is just a matter of being stubborn and not wanting to make changes.

Maybe the answer is “they have to teach it to someone”. Just kidding. You bring up a very good question and one that should be brought up to Torah Umesorah. Why are you stressing our girls out so much? Why are you bearing down on them so hard and teaching them things that boys never learn and it is NOT their job to know.

The girls are trained to be smarter and smarter and then the boys they date can’t hold an intelligent conversation with them. Every year they come up with more and more ideas of what to teach the girls. Every single year they raise the bar on the girls. Every single school tries to outdo the next. They try to outsmart, outfrum and outbuild each other to the detriment of the kids. They just refuse to allow kids to be kids.

Working on it, it seems that we might have scared you off. I certainly hope not. No one is blaming you c”v. Since you are the one that posted and not your wife we are just trying to help you see things from your wife’s perspective and to understand a female point of view. That is not to say that you are NOT entitled to your feelings or that you are wrong, it is to point out that maybe you are both right and that is why you are miscommunicating. You both have valid points that you are holding strong to and that is the problem. If you could each understand that you need to validate the other’s fears and opinions you would be working on a different platform.

Since the husband has a stronger and more powerful presence it is up to him to open a safe dialogue and start to show some level of validation and understanding. The more you demand of your wife the more she will feel used. After all it is the husband’s responsibility to support the family and she is being understanding when she accepts the role in helping out and being a second income or in this case the main income. That is a huge responsibility and not one that a wife wants on their shoulders. Especially if they feel pushed and prodded into it and not respected and appreciated for it. The feeling might be “why should I work so hard while he plays at being an entrepreneur? This is too hard for me, too much responsibility for me. Why can’t he just get a job?” Your feeling might be, “why can’t she support me as I supported her with her schooling?”

Here is the thing. When she was in school, you earned a decent living and it did NOT take away income from the family. YOU were the hero. Now that you are trying to build a business and not working for someone else, YOU are taking away income from the family. YOU both have to be in agreement on that to make it work. She has to be in it with you mind, body and soul. She probably wants to, but is scared to death about the money. And you still have to be a hero. It might be hard to always be the hero, i am sure that it is and hard to live up to, but a wife needs a husband to be a hero, a wife needs to feel that a husband will always protect her in all areas including financial security.

On the other hand, she feels that it is NOT her job to bring in the big bucks. She might not even like what she is doing and therefor it is a huge sacrifice for her. If that is the case how do you make this work? How do you make her believe in you?

Do you believe in her? Do you believe in her because she can make money? Or do you believe in her because she is a great wife, great mother, eishes chayil, etc. If you believe in her because she is a great earner, then you are making her feel used and abused and that is tearing down your marriage. If you believe in her because she is a great wife, mother and eishes chayil then you have to make her feel that.

The more you push her to get more cases the more she will feel used and abused. The more you show appreciation and respect, the more she will feel loved and cared for. There is a book that most chassanim are asked to read “The River, the Kettle and the Bird” (?). It explains how a woman is a nurturer by nature and like a kettle she keeps giving and giving but if you don’t keep refilling the kettle it will eventually run dry. A woman will give her love, attention and devotion to her husband willingly and without expectation, but eventually, if it is not returned and not refilled with love, attention, devotion, appreciation and respect, she will run dry and not want to give anymore.

My nephew got married a year ago. My husband asked him what he had learned from his Chassan Rebbe. He replied the 3 A’s, Affection, Attention and Appreciation. Sometimes when life gets tough we forget about these very important top three. We forget to fill the kettle and take things for granted.

Maybe from your perspective you see an amazing woman, smart, intelligent, capable and you don’t understand why she can’t take over for a while as you are building for the future. That is logic at its best. But logic has nothing to do with marriage. Marriage needs emotion, kindness, generosity, security, balance, understanding, effort, etc. What you might see as stubborn and unreasonable might very well be your own stubbornness and unreasonableness to understand the underlying truths.

As I said before, maybe if she sees you trying to take on another job, she will see how much you are sacrificing and she will try to do the same. If she sees how concerned you are about how hard she is working, she will give back to you a little too. If you ask her how you can pick up some slack for her at home if she picks up more cases she will see that you are trying to help her while she is trying to help you and you are not taking her for granted.

So again, you may both be right in what you are thinking and what you are feeling. But here is the most important question that you must ask yourself a thousand times during your marriage. Would you rather be right or would you rather be happy? In many cases you can’t have both.

Ezehu chacham? Sh’ lomeid m’kol adam!

2qwerty, my thoughts exactly! Can you imagine how Hashem feels that WE his people take all the things he has given us for granted? Can you imagine if people do not have hakaras hatov for people who are doing nice things for them which are palpable and recognizable on the instant that it is done, kal v’chomer how can they possibly show the proper hakoras hatov to Hashem who gives them everything, life and breath itself?

Hummingbird, doing mitzvos and helping others in and of itself should make you feel good. That is what WE are supposed to do. Just knowing that you are doing the right thing should make you feel good. If you are thanked and appreciated that is the cherry on top. Seriously, don’t ruin the good feelings about doing the right thing be clouded by a receiver who forgot their part of the equation. After all when we do a good deed, or we help others we are not doing it for recognition, we do so because we are ovdei Hashem and we are here to please HIM and do his bidding. Know that every time you do a good deed Hashem says thank you and he bentches you for your kindness and generosity. If you can accept that then you won’t need thanks from anyone else. It still would be nice, but if it doesn’t come you won’t be so upset.

MP, absolutely, the only thing I had to add was that if you don’t listen “to understand” you are missing the point.

Working on it, one thing I forgot to ask. Does your wife work in one school or in several? Does she work with boys or with girls? All this makes a difference. Not all teachers are cooperative when it comes to services especially for boys. If she goes to more than one destination that means travel (which she does not get paid for) looking for parking (which is not always close to the client) and shlepping her bag of tricks to the appointment. And here is the kicker, they don’t usually call to cancel so you waste your time. What you might consider picky and choosy, she might consider being careful or having been carefully warned about the client.

All these are possibilities that need to be considered.