sharp- thank you for hte encouragment,i do hope to get to the next step soon just need to calm my nerves i guess, as or yom tov i will be getting some books and and staying in my room reading and steadying for school,i will stay out of hte way in my house when help is not needed,and i will do my best when i have to do things around my mother, hte person i want to talk to is awy for peseach and will be returning after

torah613-thank you for the compliments and the number and advice it defenitly makes sense and i will keep it mind!

sw33t- thank you so much for telling me you will be here and giving me advice, it sounds like a great thing you did, when i was younger my first mentor was my teacher and she was nice to me and my class made fun of me calling me teachers pet..and i totally didnt mind cause she made me feel good then when seh stopped with me and went to help a different girl my class kept saying that i wasnt good enought for her,that i was to bad to be a teachers pet,im close to this intern of mine already so i will try with her,and i cant tell you how happy i am that things worked out for you!!

oh shrek- thnx for the input, glad you feel happy in your life

saysme- i hope i make them proud 🙂

adams- what makes you think im not understanding what im going throught? dont you tink i understand the physical and emotinal pain iv had for years not knowing what or when to talking to my mother about something for fear of her getting upset,to not want to leave my room unless my mother is in hers for fear of being told iv done something wrong? or maybeim not aware of what its like for my mother to admit shes choked me holding me against the wall? whats holding me back is as what sw33t said, the pain and emberrasment of what iv been throught, the emberrasment of admitting my deep feelings and emotions to someone… its hard and im trying to be able to get there

selflover72=thank you for your kind words and the numbers!

shimmel- im so sorry to hear your going through tht esame thing, i hope things get better for you soon 🙂 i actually told a friend i met a few weeks ago who doesnt live here that im having some trouble at home,she told me if i wanted seh could ask her grandmother who is a therapist would be willing to talk to me,so i might take that help. iv been looking for along time,and its hard to find someone that would be understanding for me and i would feel ok to talk to,I’YH i will talk to someone soon who i did find and things will get better, thank you so much for your concern 🙂

mod-thanks for the backup 🙂

eli51- i would be terrified of the reaction,but thank you for helping me 🙂 its so nice everyong here is trying to help me,klal yisroel is amazing

sw33t- you understand me so well,thank you for explaining for me it was very nice of you 🙂

mitzvahgirl613- thanks,thats so nice of you to say 🙂

yishusdik-thats a good idea i might do that,thanks!

a mamin- thank you so much for your kind heartfelt sympthy, my mother told me years ago not to look up to her, because she always knew she wasnt someone i should try to be not with things like this more of her frumkeit… thats why for years i have been searching for someone to be like to strive to emulate them. im listeing ot the surviver trust me,i will leave here as soon as i can, and im trying to make arrangments so im away the whole summer this year,im not sure what the year after next holds but i hope to go to seminary in eretx yisroel, thank you for thinking of me 🙂 amen i should have.

i just want to make a general statment, i just want to ask that anyone reading adn replying to mine and others posts here please dont be upset at my mother or her actions or my place in life and what happend.I accept its from Hashem and i know its good for me, i understand it was given to me for a reason im not trying to blame my situation on my mother, im trying to find the way Hashem wants me to take whats given to me and serve Him with it.

survivor-that makes so much sense,everything you saidand im sorry its sounds like a really hard situation with everything and im sure its hard not being able to have a strong relationship with your mother. I still ahve to figure out my future plans what im looking ofr exactly and what needs to be done to get there,but i wont stop trying.

mms601-thank you for the concern,i am working on it:)

brooklineborn-im the youngest in the house so thats not a problem to worry about,one of my major reasons for hesitating is my moms job,she works for the goverment kind of in contact with them and she would ultimitaly get fired,i do need to keep this in the jewish area.thank you so much for the support!

adams-its like you are in my head,exactly how i feel!

survivor- im sorry that you went through hard times in your life, i will look up the book and try to find it,thank you so much for the encouragment it does make me feel good to hear you say i will be able to get on,someimes i feel this is my life and it will be forever no matter what, i dont want to stay after high school(hopefully sem) but im not sure the possibility of it,i have brought the subject up with my mother but she doesnt like the idea really i think she is jusrt scared to loose me because my older brother is going to join the army soon and she wants me to live in our community…. if you dont mind me asking how did it stop,did you confront your mother?

fkelly-thats so true

morahrach-yes i relate to that exactly, one day something majer happens and i dont dare look her in the eye and the next she talks to me normaly,that scares me cause i never know what to expect when,i sorry that those things happend to you:( it sounds really horrible for you when you where younger. recently i did just kind of break under the pressure of everything and i did something im not proud of and to this day i look back and wonder how i did it but i relize i was just in so much pain i couldnt not do it. Yes i know that it will afect me in the future, i just hope in the positve way then negative,my mother has said things to me about moving back here when im married and i look at her and i say i dont think so im looking for something else,witch in honesty i am but a litle bit also is i dont want my children being exposed to anything bad chas veshalom,

yes of course you may, its not the best honestly,they fight very often in front of us,at night throught my childhood i would stay awake in bed listening to the arguments and threats to divorce at one point i davend to Hashem that if its for the better they should just divorce already, they do of course have there good times when they enjoy eachothers company and people have told me they like my parents that they are very kind people, but inside our house it seems to change they have diffrent mings and goals and forget how to act

saysme-thanks for saying im doing good,but i dont feel i am i feel i should just be able to deal with and get on,not have to make a deal about it like comeing in the cr, i do understand with rabbanim their views and things,but in a small community like where i live you cant do that like in this situation i dont feel ok going to him, i understand it and accept it but i think in my community it shouldnt be that way alot of girls feel that way here. yes i am adding details i guess,for years i would look at things and see one thing like ok she yells but what ever then look at something esle seperatly…but i never put all together thats why its taken me so long to try to help myself ,i never saw it as such a big deal i guess.

health-i dont live in ny i live in a small community,i think i might call it or some place like it i just have to figure it all out. i dont realy think the soap thing is abuse. its wierd defenitly,but she hasnt done that in a few years so yeah,and im not used to it i always knew it wasnt right, i once had a conversation with my class and they where telling how their parents punished them and then i said the soap thing and they all looked at me like i was crazy,so i said i was joking and moved on in the converstation and life

adams-thank you for the concern,i never went to the rav,if i really weould ever need i would but i dont feel comfterable with him,he ignores me no matter what weather i hold open a door for him or say good shabbos,my principal has so much going on with others i know for a fact i cant ask her for help but i did ask her for help with my calssmates. in a few weeks when my intern coems back i will be asking her for help,she is the best mentor i can think of that will be easy to talk to,and besides when you ask about a friend you always know its about the person 🙂

saysme- we all did,because noone really understands the goverment programs, if the police here one thing that may mean something they take the kids,then they contact for a place to find out about the parents,because if not they could be blames if things went further,its how minds work and its not the best system. I would never go to the police, i know what they would do,

mitzvahgirl613-thank you very much:) its very kind of you and i know it will help! your right my mothere doesnt really want to act this way,it just happens,she can be really nice and all then she explodes at me because one thing went wrong she didnt like,she always tells me to do things the right way not my way because i always mess things up and she thinks shes perfect.

morahrach-its a great idea,really,thats why i try to do that,i usually read or listen to music when im finidhed with my homework in my room. i dont usually go out if my mom is out of her room,unless i need something for my homework cause i never know

i know none of my classmates or schoolmates have these problems,some have difrent issues.

its odd how many there are with similar stories yet we all felt alone with noone to turn, its just the world unfortunetly, i know its all from Hashem and i accept it its just hard to actually relate to it,i have written a poem about it to help me thorught it so when i read it i feel better,it helps a bit.

saysme-amen!

mitzvahgril613- you are so sweet,thank you so much for the support! thank you for having me in mind if you do,im sure it will help 🙂

saysme-yes he is,he has told me he has and is going but he feels it may not even always work, i will think of talking to my rav,im not sure if i reallly have enough guts to,im just terrigied of the thought but i know i need to and it will be good,i will be getting a mentor im trying to find one that can help me and i really think i have so im davening it should all work out.

thank you again everyone for the support,i cant put into words how it makes me feel to know there are people who actually care about me and what happens in my life:)

yes he ignores me daily when i say good morning to him or anything(our shul is in same building as bais yaakov) and he is the only rav in my commmunity its very small,i will tell my intern and hope she can help me,if not i will call a hotline or something else i will hopefully get this taken care of and soon, i know she doesnt do it out of anger tome,i just dont want to worsen it or let her think i blame her,i feel as a dissapointment to her cause thats how she views me and i dont want ot give her reason to believe that, i thank you so much for helping me like htis,its good to know others feel the same way and im not just crazy

saysme- i cant tell you how much your words are helping me,i know what your saying is true,and the best advice i cant follow but i just dont know,its just so hard to think of myself doing that i cant think of someone i can trust so much, my rav wont even talk to me he ignores me so i cant talk to him and my principal has so much going on already i cant ask her for help . i know the intern may not be sticking around but i know she is someone i cant relate to and lok up to for who i want to be when im older and i know she is good at keeping up because she does with other campers much younger then her so i think that really just leaves her,i ahvent really felt this way about anyone in a while im just scared in general of trusting again im really scared,maybe its me that its to much for them to bare?!?!

i do pity her,because one minuete we are laughing and talking about htings then she yells at me to go do somethithign ishould be doing the hwole time, what if she gets angry for me telling someone our family problems? i have cried more nights then i cant count in my life and i dont know if i can be the cause of our familys porblems being known by others,i have spent so many years putting a smile on and being so happy so noone would know i was dying inside

saysme- again thank you so much for your kind words! the fact that this is happenign in my life wouldnt change the fact of me being proud im a by girl,if anything it has helped to strenghten me,i know Hashem is always there for me and all this is from Him and its for my good, its just sometimes hard for me in my day to day life when it actually happens to know where to turn to physically. my brothers are not married and not living here with me, the thing is about going places for shabbos is i dont really have any places to go and if i would my mom gets upset saying things like i blame her for my life being so bad,and im emberrased by them so i dont want to eat with them…so it would just make things worse! i have found mentors but htey dropped me for a kid`whos parents got divoreced and wasnt taking it well lol it was two diffrent years and they both dropped me for the same girl! thank you for believeing my friends are wrong with saying those things. and yes my humor has always been intact i have been the one who always jokes around in my class i guess i never really htought about why haha

sharp-thank you,yes it was hard but i just want help so much,i wish i had a school counsler but my schoool is so small we dont have anythign like that,thank you i have actually told my principal but she says its just girls being girls so oh well,what can you do, i do try to keep in mind its not me but its hard sometimes