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I used to have this problem until I switched yeast. I was using the 3-pks of dried yeast which were always hit or miss in terms of rising. I now use the dried yeast that comes in the 1 lb pkg – usually the Gefen brand. I keep it in a sealed tupperware container. I have never had a problem since I switched. I put all the Water, Sugar and Yeast for the recipe into the mixer and let it sit for 10 minutes. If the yeast is good – it should start bubbling.
My recipe is:
4-5 Cups Warm Water – the more water the stickier the dough but the lighter the challah
1 1/2 – 2 C Sugar
4 T dried Yeast
Combine the above and let sit for 10 minutes
Add:
4 Eggs
5 lb bag Flour – High Gluten preferred
1 C oil or ( 1 stick Margarine + 1/4 C Oil)
4 T Kosher Salt
Let double – punch down and braid. Let rise again for 30 min and bake at 325-350 until golden brown.
I’ve had 3 different incidents over the past 20 years.
B”H each time the stone passed on it’s own.
One tip that I haven’t seen mentioned here is drinking cranberry juice. It is supposed to be beneficial in preventing the kidney stones.
That and drinking water.
I am not a huge drinker in general so am surprised that I’ve only had these 3 incidents.
As for the pain – they say it is comparable to child birth.
Having experienced both – I would say that they are about equal – but at least after child birth you end up with a baby so its easier to endure.
A few years back a Mizrachi cousin of mine made a chasana. There was mixed seating though no mixed dancing. My cousin of course invited her uncles. One is a very choshiv Litfish Rosh Yeshiva whom everybody has heard of. The other was Chasidish. The Chasidish uncle refused to come while the Litfish R”Y uncle came and sat at the table with my family members (who are not related to him).
He sat there with his wife and married children and he spoke very normally to my mother and my siblings – both men and women. He is a very very frum man and heads one of the most stellar Yeshivos of our time. It was all very normal and pleasant.
If you look at pictures of chassanas from 50 years ago – there was mixed seating there as well. I am not advocating mixed seating – but it is not the biggest Aveira as we can see that our Gedolim participated many events that had it.
We are family friends of an alter Yid from Litta who is in his 90s and related to many Gedolim of yesteryears (Reb Moishe, Reb Yaakov etc.) I have seen pictures of his chassanaha – and all the R”Y are sitting there – with their wives – at the same table.
Of course – they are not teenagers – LOL.
Why are people proposing that boys start dating at 19 instead of girls waiting to date until 22/23. That makes so much more sense given the fact that in the Yeshivish world girls are expected to support the family and by waiting until 22/23 the girls will have the time to get an education which will allow them to hopefully get a more lucrative Parnassah than what they would get if they married at 19 and have no education. It also alleviates the financial strain for the parents who now have to either support the kids until the girl finishes her education – or forever because the girl did not get an education. I understand that most parents are not going to want to wait around for their girls to go out until 22/23 for the fear that they will be left behind but if that was the Takana – and people were keeping to it – it sounds a lot more logical. I know that I – the mother of Beis Medrash boys who are not yet in shidduchim – would rather have my boys marry girls who have a degree and are a little older and mature than girls who are 19 years old. 19 is very young to be juggling marriage, job, and hopefully a baby. I think it makes sense to give these girls some breathing room and allow them time before jumping into marriage.
80- kol hakavod to your children as they are the exception to the kollel rule in terms of not taking govt money.
Most older kollel families I know are living off of the US govt. While I truly believe in the kollel lifestyle (having B”H lived it for 15 years without any parental or govt support) the way it is currently done is not the correct way in my opinion.
The US govt does not have to pay between $1000-$1500 for a kollel families food and probably the same or more for both their insurance(Medicaid) and HUD. That is not what these programs are made for.
They are made for families where the parents are looking fr work but are unable to find it.
It should not be a way of life and certainly not a chossen and kallah’s plan on how they are going to live.
It should be a Bidi Eved and not a Lichatchila. And I say that for those that are on the programs legally and not the ones who are getting HUD for homes owned by relatives (which is totally illegal but very widespread)
What I really wonder is how many of these kollel couples would still be learning if all govt programs disappeared?
As for parental support – it is a beautiful thing to want to contribute to your child’s Torah learning but should not be expected.
If you want a life of kollel – you can prepare for it by getting an education and anticipating a lot of hard work.
I’m not saying that it s not worth it because it is but you shouldn’t expect to be able to do it by working a half day and having your summers free.
With the younger couples I would say that a lot more of the girls today are being responsible and going to college so that they can make it on their own.
Of course all is from Hashem – but we do have to do our hishtadlus!
One of the reasons that parents with autistic children claim that vaccinations cause autism is because their children started to show symptoms of autism after vaccination. The problem with this reasoning is that typically these symptoms start to show between 18 and 24 months regardless if a child was given vaccinations or not. That is just the age that autism usually hits. We all know that toddlers get a lot of vaccinations so because of the timing parents now have something to blame for their terrible misfortune. One minute they had a healthy baby and then all these symptoms. But in many cases – that is just the way the autism progresses. Like a poster said before – study after study has shown that there is no link. Also want to point out that there is no evidence that the measles outbreak a few years back was due to parent not vaccinating. In fact – all of the cases that I heard of were in boys who had the vaccine.
The only vaccine that I would not give is the HPV vaccine targetted to young girls as that vaccine is for sexually transmitted diseases. Mothers have to be aware because I know of many doctors who are trying to push this vaccine and we B”H do not have to give that to our daughters. So while all vaccines have risks and in most cases the benefits outweigh the risks – in this case – there is no need to expose our daughters to these risks.
You have to make that decision based on what is important to you.
I was in the same situation for years but each family’s dynamics are different. I didn’t take my children out but instead had a babysitter in the home who helped with the housework and my husband pitched in as well. I was not so makpid on getting my kids to bed early – because by the time I got home at 5 – I wanted to spend some quality time with them – so they went to bed more in the 8-9 range. I was out of the house by 7:30-8:00 and usually got home at around 5.
I always felt that it was important to be more relaxed than tense with getting the perfect suppers ready and keeping the house perfect – clean was very important – neat not as much – but again I did have help in the house. If that is at all possible – it is a huge help.
We must tell our children never to go with anybody – even if they are asking them to do a Mitzva. I know a child who was molested because a frum man asked him to show him where the mikva was and then asked him if he wanted to do a mitzva and dunk. It used to be that we warned our children not to be tempted by candies now we have to tell them not to be tempted by Mitzvos R”L. I have told my children for years that even if a very frum looking man asks you to show him where the shul is – just walk (or run)away. It is unfortunate – but that is what we must do to protect our children. Unfortunately frum looking people can be dangerous too and our children have to understand that.
We must tell our children NEVER to get in a car with anybody unless they were told to do so by their parents – even if they know them. Once they are in the car – their chances of returning safely are much worse. But we do have to give our children advice on what to do if they are lost. We have to tell them if Chas V’Shalom they are lost to find a Mommy with Kinderlach and ask them – even if there are frum men there and not frum women with kids – I say go for the Mommy.
When my father A”H was in shidduchim (in the 60s) he went out with a granddaughter of an illustrious Tzadik of the previous Dor. After the date – his Rebbe/Rosh Yeshiva asked him if he thought she was special. When my father replied that she was nice but he didn’t see anything out of the ordinary in terms of middos or Yiras Shamayim – he was told to drop the shidduch. His Rebbe felt that someone with that Yichus should have portrayed exceptional middos and if that was not the case then this was not a shidduch worth pursuing. So I would have to say that Yichus is a plus only if the descendants have absorbed the traits of their ancestors.
Thanks Poppa – I did mean insulated – typing fast and did not proofread!
Tzvi…while it is a good idea to have a musar sefer on the table – I believe the second part of your statement is even more important – to show our children from our actions how to treat others.
When you talk about your cleaning lady as the ‘shiksa’ or the ‘goyta’ instead of referring to her by her name – you imply disrespect – that she is not worthy of being called by her name due to her ‘lower status’. Treat others as you would like to be treated.
Whenever we took vacation – we paid our babysitter/cleaning lady for the week we were not there.
Friends were always so shocked – and I said – hey I am getting paid on my vacation – why shouldn’t she be paid.
My mother once worked with a lovely non jewish lady who was down on her luck – lost her job – lost her home. My parents welcomed her into the home for a few weeks until she could get back on her feet. It made my father a bit uncomfortable – but that did not stop them from doing chessed.
We had an open home to many frum people – and this was just an extension of what we constantly saw. We were taught to always treat others as we would want to be treated.
Now that I have my own home I see the pressures of keeping it open to others and respect my parents even more.
When our children are told stories about the evil Poretz – it makes them think that all the Goyim are evil.
Let’s face facts – of course I know that there is anti semitism around but B”H we don’t live in Europe – either pre-war or even now. There is no Poretz oppressing us and stealing from us in the U.S. – or E”Y.
We live in a wonderful country that has opened its borders and hearts to us – let us pay them back with Hakoras Hatov to all – and with Kiddush Hashem – not only because treating others is a Mitzvah – but because it should be natural to us to act nicely – that is what we should aspire to.
As has been said previously in this thread – we should be a light unto the nations!
We are the chosen nation of Hashem – let us strive to be the chosen nation of the world as well through our actions.
Years ago – my husband and I traveled to E”Y right before Rosh Chodesh Ellul. As you can imagine the flight was packed with frum people. When it was time to daven shacharis – there was a line by the bathroom for people to wash negel vaaser – and I guess it was too long for some people to wait – so they just started taking water from the galley and washing their hands right onto the floor. It was such a Chillul Hashem. I was mortified. Then sitting next to us was a man making Aliya with his wife and 9 kids. The kids were running up and down the aisles. When we were approaching the airport – the sterwardess asked the man to please make sure his kids were sitting down and strapped in. He told them ‘At home they are my responsibility but on the plane they are your responsibility – you get them to sit down if you can!’ In my entire life I was never so embarresed to be frum. The stewardesses were talking very negatively about the people on the flight – and you know – they were right about what they said.
We are constantly taught that we are Am Hanivchar – but that doesn’t mean that we should walk around feeling that we are better than everybody else and act like we expect them to recognize it. Yes Hashem chose us – but we are supposed to be a light unto the world – in Middos and in Torah. We have an extra responsibility to make a Kiddush Hashem wherever we go and B”H a lot of us do – but many of us fall short.
I think that when people are from a small town and have more exposure to non-frum people they tend to understand that they are just like us – people whom we have to respect and act nicely to.
When people are from a large frum community and very insolated – they tend to demonize the non-frum and non jews – and this breeds negative behaviour towards them.
We have to be careful to teach our children that just because a person is not frum or not jewish – does not mean that they are trash. I am not talking about just talking nice to them – I am talking about teaching our children to recognize and respect their good qualities. There is good to be learned from most people – we just have to look for it and recognize it.
I feel that a lot of people today don’t have empathy for people who are not like themselves – and I understand that this might be a holocaust mentality – which is understandable – but it’s time to change that.
Kollel is not a right that you are entitled to – it is a something to be acquired through hard work and sacrifice. If you want to do it badly enough – you will find the way to do it on your own. That is how I determine in my mind who should be sitting and learning. When I got married – I knew I wanted a husband sitting and learning for a long time – but my parents had barely enough money for themselves and I didn’t dream of asking them for anything. I got an education, a job, and a great guy – who learned in Kollel for 15 years. We actually gave our parents money when they needed it. I have many friends who did the same thing. My husband would not go out with any girls whose parents suggested that they go on programs and he didn’t demand support from anybody. We both didn’t feel that it was anybodys but our own responsibility to support us. We didn’t ask anybody for money to buy a house, a car – or anything. B”H – Hashem provided for us. My husband also (in addition to learning at least 14 hours a day) helped take care of the house, dr’s appts, and tried in every way to make my life easier as he appreciated what I was doing to help us continue in our chosen lifestyle. He also did things on the side to earn money. IY”H when my children decide to get married – if they decide that they want to live a Kollel life – while I would love to help them out – and will if I can – they know that if they are old enough to get married – then they are old enough to figure out how to support their families. While I don’t believe that ‘I’ was responsible for providing for our family – and truly believe that Hashem is in charge – I did my Hishtadlus – got an education – and didn’t decide to be a Bais Yaakov teacher making $15K a year – and depend on handouts for the rest. We have to teach our children responsiblity – that Torah must be earned and is not just a free for all. For all these commenters who believe that it is the responsibility of the Klal to support Kollel – that is not when 90% of the Oilam decides to learn in Kollel without much struggle. Why should I kill myself all year working and then give money to a family where the wife works 3 hours a day – and is off in the summer – and buys more expensive food than I (because they are on food stamps). Not that we don’t give money to individuals in E”Y who are the real MCoys – we do – but when I see these young kollel couples going to florida on vacation – while their mother’s and father’s are working 2 jobs to support them – it makes my blood boil. As I’ve said before – it you take away all the govt programs and parental support – how many people currently in Kollel would still be there? Once you have your answer – those are the people that I believe should be the ones sitting and learning.
Bais Yaakov D’Rav Meir is closed Monday.
The main thing is to live a life of Emes. If you can be in Kolel and do it by totally honest means and by not being a tremendous burden on your parents – then Kol Hakavod! But if you have to do it by acting dishonest – then it defeats the point. Not getting married legally to stay on your parents insurance is dishonest. Having Hud pay your mortgage by buying a house in your mother in law’s name is dishonest. I personally don’t agree in govt programs for Kollel couples – but I won’t say it is dishonest if you actually are eligible for them. While I don’t think it is the responsibility of the US govt to pay for a Kollel life – I do very strongly disagree when people are dishonest. When I was first married and we were starting out in Kollel (where we stayed for 15 years) – we put our chassana money in a CD that was paying about 9%. When my husband told his chaveirim in Yeshiva about it – they all told him that they couldn’t do it because their chassana money was in other’s name so that they could get programs. That is wrong! So Emes is the main thing. Hashem does not want your Torah if you have to lie to live that life. And I can’t believe that He wants your parents to kill themselves to support you either. So if you can do it yourselves – go for it. But please remember – Dovid Hamelech – Sheperd, Mosheh Rabeinu – Sheperd, Yaakov Avinu – Sheperd. The Shevatim all worked – you can’t have a world where everybody is learning all day. Education is important. High School for Boys is important. College is important. Yes there are people who made it without it – but the Teva here is America is that college increases your chances of supporting your family in a Bakovodika and Honest manner.
And let me just mention that I truly value a Kollel lifestyle. My husband learned for 15 years in Kollel – but we did it without expecting money from our parents or the U.S. govt.
It can be done – you just have to want it badly enough – to be ‘Moser Nefesh’ for it.
I understand that maybe every woman is not cut out for a life where she has to work full time – but then maybe she is not cut out for a Kollel life either.
I just wonder – if there were no food stamps, wick, jerseycare, and hud – how many people would there be being Moiser Nefesh for Kollel.
I personally believe that everybody has the choice of whether they want to be in kollel or not but it is their responsibility to pay for this lifestyle.
In years past when maybe 1% or less of the population was sitting and learning – maybe it was the responsibility of the Klal to do so. But now we shouldnt’ be asking others to pay for our lifestyle choice. Especially when the wives stay home or work half a day.
Mesiras Nefesh is not just living without – it is sacrificing for what you believe in and I just don’t believe it is Mesiras Nefesh to decide on a certain lifestyle and expect others to support you.
I have a great and simple recipe. It is a sweet egg challah made with 8 ingredients:
4 1/2 – 5 Cups Warm Water (the more water the lighter it will be but sticky to work with)
1 /2 – 2 Cups Sugar – it matters how sweet you like it
4.5 T Dried Yeast
5 lb bag Challah Flour (can use regular also)
4 Eggs
1 Stick Margarine + 1/3 C Oil or 1 Cup Oil (if you don’t want to use margarine)
4 T Kosher Salt
Mix the first 3 together and let sit for 10 minutes
Add the rest of the ingredients and mix for 10 minutes.
Make Bracha and transfer to oiled bowl.
Cover and let rise in a warm room.
Once doubled punch down and braid.
Egg the challahs and let rise again about 30 minutes
Preheat oven to 350 and let challahs bake until golden brown.
This Challah is a hit. I know so many people who use this recipe and they all get tons of compliments.
Enjoy!
When I first got married I used to commute from Lakewood to NYC. I would sit on the bus for 2 hours and since I was not used to my shaitel – it was very uncomfortable. So the minute I got home I used to quickly change into an alternate head convering.
One day (about 3 weeks after I got married and not so used to having my hair covered all the time) I got home – threw off the shaitel and went to get a tichel. My husband had done the laundry – so the tichels were not in their regular place. I went to get one and got distracted by the raw chicken waiting on the counter and started making supper. I realized I didn’t have veggies – so decided to go to Shoprite. I went to the car – and while I was openning the door – I saw my reflection in the window and totally freaked out. I had left without anything on my head. Luckily there were only a few little boys outside who saw me shrieking and pulling my coat over my head.
I can laugh now (its been 20 years!) – but I was literally shaking for hours and convinced that everybody must have seen me from the windows.
The fact of the matter is that in the U.S – nobody gets refused medical treatment based on inability to pay – so you might end up bankrupt – but you will be alive. As opposed to Canada – where you have the right to universal healthcare – but by the time you get it – you might be dead. I personally know of numerous cases where (in addition to the one I mentioned earlier ) where people were told they had to wait months until they could obtain critical care of operations. My uncle in Toronto needed quadruple bypass – luckily he was a dual US citizen. A friends husband needed brain surgery – same story. So while agree that in theory it is nice to offer universal healthcare – the reality is that people come from all over the world to the United States -not to Canada for the best health care and if we implement the same policies as Canada – the quality and accessability to care will suffer.
Or – we can have market rates apply to health care – like they apply to everything else. Because in today’s insurance driven system we are totally out of the loop in terms of cost. For example – when Lasik eye surgery first came out – the costs were about $5000 an eye. This treatment was not covered by insurance -so guess what – once the costs were in the hands of the people – the price went down – because nobody was going to pay so much money. The problem with our current system is that because we have insurance we don’t shop around for the most economic price – we don’t care if our insurance company is billed $3000 for an MRI. If we only had catastrophic insurance – and everybody would be paying for routine tests and appts ourselves – the prices would go down. One more factor is the huge malpractice premiums that US doctors pay to protect themselves against frivolous lawsuits. I definitely agree that there should be a financial penalty if a doctor makes a careless mistake (like taking out the wrong kidney) but today everybody is out to make a mountain out of a molehill and the doctors have to protect themselves. Those costs are passed down to us. Until we have Tort Reform – prices will not go down.
To: Minyan Gal – yes in Canada you have universal insurance but in many cases – the wait is too long for it to do any good. My cousin was diagnosed with aggressive Melanoma in June. He was given an appt to start chemo for mid Nov. B”H he has a lot of money and has been coming to the U.S. for treatment – because waiting until Nov would have been fatal. So yes – we need reform in the U.S. but copying Canada’s model is not the answer. Neither is Obama care. I get insurance through my employer but have been contributing 7K a year towards it. Due to Obamacare – my premiums went up $2400 this year. And this is with a large deductable even if going in-network. An alternative is buying catastrophic insurance – which will not cover most routine doctor’s visits and has a huge deductable – but will cover in the case of C”V a catastrophe.
The problem here is not that the father is learning – it is that the girl wants to marry a learning boy – but is planning to be dependent upon her father for support. The girl is in her late 20s – what has she been doing for the past 10 years to increase her education and earning power? If she wants a boy who is learning – it is her responsibility to try to make it work.
I had parents with absolutely no money but I wanted a learning boy. I went to school and got a good job and supported my husband in Kolel for 15 years. It was not easy. I did not have summers or Yomim Tovim off like my friends who are teachers (or work half a day for that matter). But B”H – we were able to do it without taking money from anybody or going on any programs. I know that Parnassah is from the Aibeshter – and am not saying that it was me – but I did do my hishtadlus and did not expect my parents or inlaws to support us. I have many friends who did what I did – and we all had Kovodik parnassah. There is no reason for a girl to settle on making $15,000 a year because she has no education. You can get Pell grants if you can’t afford it. Teaching is beautiful and very idealistic – but is incompatable with a Kollel life unless you want to be on govt programs or have rich parents.
Shabbos Food is whatever makes you happy and feels special for Shabbos. If a treat for your family is chinese food – and you reserve that for Shabbos – then that is Shabbos Food. Nobody can tell you what is Shabbosdik or not – that is up to each individual. I have heard for years that sweet potato is not a Shabbos food. Well my kids love it – it is easy to make – so it is Shabbos Food. If you make cholent each week and throw the entire thing out – because nobody in your family likes cholent – then don’t make it – even though it is cholent food.
A few twists you can try is Salmon over Sesame Noodles, or tunisian fish cakes over couscous – instead of Gefilte.
You can get the fish cakes recipe on epicurious.com.
You can also make Asian Steak salad which is a nice twist and inexpensive because you just need a $15 piece of London Broil.
The Asian steak salad is in one of the Kosher by Designs or you can use the one from Levana Kirshenbaum (salmon recipe from there as well). Lately I’ve been making Won Tons and Deli Roll (mixture of raw chicken cutlet, pastrami, fried onions, sour kraut and dijonaise) – which are both pretty fattening – but my kids are all in the ‘I need to gain weight’ mode. This would not be a good idea for those watching their weight.
A great and easy chicken recipe is a mixture of cream red wine (or any sweet wine) and soy sauce (equal measures of both – about 1/2 C each) with fresh ginger and fresh garlic thrown in. Marinate if you have time and pour over and roast.
One more that is a staple in our house is Sushi Rice – 2 cups rice, 3 C water, 2 T Sugar, 2 T Rice Vinegar, 1 T Salt. Boil and cook for 20 minutes (or until water is out) then add 1/4 C Oil and 1/4 C Soy Sauce. Mix in 3 sheets of Nori – and it is like you are eating Sushi – but without the hassle. It can be served warm or cold.
Hatzlocha!
The problem here is that girls are never taught the reason for Tzniyus. There is no chinuch – there is just control. Maybe a Bais Yaakov does not want to teach a girl about the yetzer hora of men in regard to tzniyus. I don’t know. My daughter is 12 and has no clue about any attractions between men and women. She looks like a little girl and for the life of her has no idea why she can’t wear short sleeves. She listens of course – but it is a real mystery to her. I of course will try to guide her as she grows older. But if all she hears from school are rules – and let me tell you in some of the Bais Yaakovs in NY there are insane ‘Tzniyus’ rules – then I am afraid that she might rebel. Some schools tell the girls that a pony on the side is not tzniyus, that their bangs are not tzniyus, that their long skirts are not tzniyus. One tzniyus teacher in a BY in brooklyn looks under the girls sweaters to see if their tzniyus button UNDER THE SWEATER is unbuttoned! Of course this turns off tons of girls.
Girls have to be taught the meaning behind tzniyus – they just can’t have rules shoved down their throats. It might be a touchy subject – but it has to be done. The schools have to Mechanech – not just preach!
I went through Bais Yaakov and heard many classes on Tzniyus from very frum Rebbetzins and NEVER did I hear anything about a requirement for loose fitting sleeves!
As long as the elbow was covered – that is what we were told the Halacha is. I for one think it is great that shells are now worn under clothing. There are many people used to wear short sleeves or low cut shirts and and now that wearing a shell has become the norm – their arms and neck lines are covered more than they have been in the past.
Let’s be grateful for this idea and how it has caught on.
That being said – the layer on top should not be very tight or it defeats the purpose.
There are a few issues here. First of all a lot of girls today get married with the idea that ‘I don’t want a long time learner because I want to stay home with my kids!’. Well that is very nice – but in today’s world – most families need two earners.
I also know other girls – who have degrees – decide that it is better to be on govt programs because ‘the most important job I have is to be a Jewish mother and stay home with my kids’.
There has to be some responsibility when people get married. Whether you decide on Kolel or not – you can’t expect to live off of other people or the govt. It has become the norm for young couples (both Kollel and Non) to not get married legally in order to stay on their parent’s insurance plans. That is totally dishonest. If the insurance company knew that a religious ceremony had taken place – they would kick them off.
I pay full tuition for 5 children in Brooklyn kids tuition – which comes to $40,000.00. With mortgage, food, insurance and other expenses it is tough but we make do without other things. We don’t go on vacations or have 2 cars. With this economy I have not gotten a raise in a few years. Our tuition keeps going up but my husband refuses to ask for a break. He fully believes that we should sell our house before we ask the Yeshiva to take less.
As for cleaning help – I do have it twice a week because I work full time (out of the house at 8 return home at 6). It is a necessity if you work.
In NYC – in many yeshivos and Bais Yaakovs – once children are in 7th grade – they must take public transportation to go to and from school. My children have been mugged. When my son was mugged he was on the phone with me and the perpetrators got scared when he screamed ‘Mommy come’ and ran off.
I don’t know how many of you have been on the busses and trains but most child will feel much more secure if they have that phone. As with all issues – we much teach our children how to behave responsibly. If we let our children know that we are proud of them and trust them – they will work to retain that pride and trust that we have in them. I have seen many homes where the parents forbid all types of things – and poonk in those homes – the children felt that their parents did not trust them – and rebelled. That being said – everybody knows their own children. If I had a son who was a trouble maker all during his childhood and constantly testing the limits – I would be hesitant to give that child a cell phone.
When I was dating (over 20 years ago) a Shadchan called my mother to ask if they would support. My mother replied that I was in computers – making a good salary – and would support myself. Then the Shadchan (not being satisfied with that answer) asked if I had saved money over the years that I had been working. My mother replied that I had. So the Shadchan suggested that my parents take the money that I had saved and pretend its theirs – and then support me with it!!!
Needless to say – I did not go out with that guy but did live a Kolel life for 15 years.
I recently went to a chasanah that a cousin of mine made for her son. There was mixed seating. One great uncle of the chosson refused to come because of the mixed seating but another who is a well known choshiva Litvish Rosh Yeshiva (in his 70s) had no problem coming to join his niece’s simcha. While he is from the other side and not a relative of mine – he sat at the table with my side of the family and he and his wife engaged us in conversation. This is a Rosh Yeshiva from an extremely frum yeshiva and this man is considered a Gadol B’Torah and B’Midos by all.
EDITED
When my daughter turned 12 – she herself realilzed that now she is Mechuyav in mitzvos and made sure to be more careful.
She now makes sure to daven each day (hasn’t missed one yet), is more careful in her tzniyus (gave up bobby socks) and is in general more in tune with her obligations. She is also trying to be more stringent in Kibud Av V’Aim and Bain Adam L’Chaveiro. She constantly tells me ‘now that I am Bas Mitzva’ I have to do this. My husband is a firm believer in not pushing the kids to do things until they are ready – and he is 100% right. Some children need more time to mature and understand the mitzvos. But once she hit 12 – she was mature enough to take on more obligations B”H. We made a Bas Mitzva in her school with the only men in attendance her father and grandfather (no brothers were allowed as per school rules). Her class and girl relatives attended. She gave a D’Var Torah and spoke about her namesake and her obligations. There was dancing, great food, and a lot of healthy fun. It was truly a beautful milestone in her life.